thought of the week

welcome to a new feature here in my corner of blogsphere: thought/quote of the week. over the past few days i've been listening to the wildbirds golden daze quite a bit, as evidenced by my recent blog. & i've been doing a lot of thinking. one thing i realized is that very often a day, or a week, or even a phase, of my life is framed by the music, books, or movies that i am immersed with, & very often a quote that takes on special meaning to me. so i've decided to share the love (& the voices in my head) by posting a quote a week along with my personal musings. because of my recent infatuation with the wildbirds, the quote of the week for this first week is from their song "slow down," which is currently one of my favorites on the album.

 

hold on, this ain't gonna be easy

slow down, you've been moving too fast

~the wild birds~ golden daze

 

lately i do feel as if i've been moving at warp speed. i've been flitting from one thing to the next like a freakin hummingbird, not taking time to settle & do any one thing with the intensity or voracity to which i think is required. i do know quite a few people that seem to thrive on that kind of momentum (my sis, my dad, & the fabulous dev to name three). & while i do sometimes thrive on stress & the rush of the adrenaline & i push myself to do just one more thing, just one more mile, just one more book, just one more blog, just one more errand, before the sun sets again. it wears on me at the same time. i think even the above trio of speed would agree that sometimes a person needs to stop, take a deep breath, & re-evaluate. that's the place that i'm at right now, trying to put the brakes on without tripping or crashing into a tree so that i can stop, take stock of where i find myself.

 

right now i'm trying to do some major things all at once. i'm trying to (once again) lose weight, get back into my fanatical (some might say) work out routine, & finish my master degree with not one but TWO thesis (yeah, i'll admit that one is pretty mother effin psychotic). any one of those things would drive a normal person insane. but i'm doing it while living in st. paul, working in minnetonka (read 21.2 miles each way) & actually working two jobs, not just one. now i'm not asking for a pity party (but if i WERE to ask for one, would you come? bring me a pressie wrapped in a pink bow? we'd have punch & pie. . .cause more people will come if we have punch & pie ).

 

thankfully losing weight goes very well with my fanatical workout schedule, so once i find my exercise mojo i'll be in like flynn. & by fanatical i mean that i was working out a minimum of two hours a day, every day of the week, a combination of yoga/pilates & cardio/weight lifting. this was back in spring of 2005. granted, when i was working out that much i was taking one class & only working part time (read 24 hours every other week). so working out that much was no thang. it kept me out of trouble & off the streets. & you know what happens when poets are allowed to run the streets wild. there's nothing worse than poets run amok, it's like girls gone wild meets sylvia plath, without the oven, but with the booze. true story.

 

the two thesis, well, even in a perfect world that is no small task. once again, not asking for a pity party, jus statin' da facts mac. i will readily admit that doing a book of poetry & a novel would be MUCH easier if i was only working part time again, ah those days of minimal work hours! & if i didn't live so far away from work. & if i wasn't trying to lose an olson twin (there will be a future blog on this subject, stay tuned!) but that's not the case. & i am by no means bound to finish both projects. hamline did not require me to sign anything in blood (i was grandfathered in before they started doing that for thesis candidates). by now it's a matter of pride. i've told everyone & their grandmother that i'm doing two projects for my thesis. my parents, especially my mom, have been bragging me up to anyone who will listen, & several people who really didn't want to listen. & i feel like i would be a colossal failure if i gave up on this. to their credit, my advisers at hamline have been very supportive of me no matter what i want to do, although, i have been given that look that says "say what?! you crazy wench!" which i totally deserve. cause here's the dirty little secret: it doesn't affect my actual degree in the slightest if i finish two masters projects or if i decide i'm satisfied with just one. one is all that's required. the WORST part gang, is that i have enough poems that i could finish my poetry book & be done with everything by december & all set to graduate (read walk) in may. *eye roll* i know. completely idiotic. i should just "finish the book of poetry & be the feck done with it" to quote miss sinead.

 

but, hrm, i went into this program saying i wanted to write fiction, that i want to be a novelist. & i really feel that i NEED to finish the novel for my own soul. there is something inside me (once again, those voices) that says if i don't finish a novel now, i may never finish one. & i know that i have it in me. i just KNOW it. i love my poetry too, my poems are like my babies, little pieces of me that i send out into the world to make their way & revolutionize society. but a novel, the thought of a novel feels bigger, more substantial, a novel has heft to it. even though it is most certainly NOT true, i sometimes get the feeling that the thought runs rampant that anyone if they have a general grasp of written language & the ability to rhyme can write poetry. for the record i strongly assert that is more definitely NOT the case. just because you can make cart & fart rhyme does not mean that you are compelled to do so & call it poetry. yes i'm kind of a snob when it comes to writing, i never deliberately hurt anyone's feelings, but that's just the way i feel. i won't apologize for it. but, writing a novel, that's something that takes time & dedication to finish, even a crap novel is an accomplishment of sorts. yes yes, twisted logic, i know.

 

& while i have a lot that i want to get done, that i feel like i need to get done, i also feel that going at a frantic pace every day of the week is not going to bring me any kind of lasting joy, satisfaction, or enjoyment. so here we go, *deep breath* cause really,  hold on, this ain't gonna be easy. slow down, you've been moving too fast true story. & while toys, gadgets, & status are really nice amenities to life, how can you enjoy the journey if you never go anywhere?

the wildbirds-golden daze : a music review

i was first introduced to the wildbirds by jenn, who is good friends with "the boys." i recall hearing about them all the way back in our training days at our previous company, in the wintery cold of january 2006. back then what i recall most was her shock that they were officially dismantling their band, number one fan, going back to the drawing board, and re-inventing themselves: as a band, as a group, & their style. well, maybe not so much shock as kind of a grieving process. she loved the boys as number one fan & was, & still is, extremely sad to know that her beloved band is no more. i was also with jenn through the process as she, friend & fan, was privy to the evolution of the new band: new songs, new name, the whole shebang as she hung out with the boys on their frequent trips through the cities here. & as she ventured on a few occasions to appleton, wisconsin just to see them play. on a personal note, i have to say it was quite thrilling to see an artist make that transformation & see how it affects those who love them, on a personal & professional level.

so, onto the music review portion. i'd like to note that jenn is not twisting my arm, nor is she in anyway prompting me to post this. BUT, as someone who has gained a genuine affection for the wildbirds music (& their previous incarnation, number one fan) i want to be out front & promote these guys, maybe gain them a fan or two. i genuinely feel honored that i've been given the privilege of hearing many of their songs before the full album release through jenn's ipod over my cube wall when she got the EP at its release & introduced me to the songs that she had been raving about for months & months. (for anyone who, like me, has no clue what the eff an EP is, basically, it is a teaser of the music to come on the full album. it has some of the songs, but not all of them. according to jenn, EP stands for extended play. now, why, a shorter teaser version of an album is called an EXTENDED PLAY i have no fricken clue, just sharin' the knowledge, sharin' the love.)

the wildbirds music, in a way, reminds me of music from bands gone past. they have a bit of a tom petty feel for me (ala the wildflowers album), also a bit of some 60's & 70's rock. there is even a track that is slightly tarantino-eque, as in quentin. since i am a complete music history novice i won't pretend to be able to speak with supreme musical sophistication on the exact genre that they fall into, nor would i try to classify their music into any one spot. the album is, from start to finish, an emotional journey, that, depending on the mindset of the listener, can drastically change the emotions the songs illicit. it consists of eleven tracks, but they flow together so well that it seems that there are both more than eleven songs, and less than eleven songs, if that makes sense. when you listen intently to the songs you, of course, can tell the change from one to the next, but if you have the cd playing in the background as you drive or work or are otherwise distracted from active listening, it feels like an opera with many different scenes.

i have listened quite intently to the album since i got it on wednesday, hoping to do it justice as i try my hand at a music review. with each listen through i find something different that i love, that intrigues me, that makes me think, & that surprises me. at this exact moment i have four songs that are my favorites, but my favorites have also changed several times through out my first days with this album. currently my favorites are "it's alright now," "where has all the goodness gone?" "slow down," & "suzanna."

"it's alright now" is the song that is somewhat tarantino-eque, it was actually used in a commercial that won a contest for vegas.com (the commercial itself starts at about 6:08 on the player). i know it sounds a bit bizarre to say that a song is tarantino-esque, just have a listen & you'll see what i mean. the second one, "where has all the goodness gone" is the slowest song of the album, almost a ballad, but i hate to pigeon hole any of the songs into a specific genre. but, it is definitely a welcome interlude in the otherwise mainly fast paced album, it allows the listener to stop, take a deep breath, & refocus. "slow down" is a song that i can't stop playing, even as i blog it's playing on my itunes. the chorus is one that, in jenn's words, i can see being really catchy. but it's also really profound & simple at the same time, & is suited perfectly for the place that i am at right now. the last song listed, "suzanna" is the last track on the album, but is definitely a strong track in it's own right. it's the kind of song that you almost HAVE to listen to with the top down, or, at the least, your windows. it is a beautiful song with a wonderfully strong bass beat while at the same time feeling like a rock ballad/love song. each time i hear it i try to focus on a different element: lyrics, drums, guitar.

the wildbirds are definitely a band to watch. they'll be coming through the twin cities again on september 2 at the triple rock social club. i have heard that while their album is phenomenal that it pales in comparison to seeing the band live. the show that night is super cheap, according to the website only $6, it is a 21+ event. but if you're in the cites & free that night, i highly recommend seeing the show. unless you have a personal in with the guys i doubt you'll ever be able to see them play for less. besides, you can't even see a movie for $6 anymore, & this is live in person entertainment.

a whole new world

this will be short & sweet, but all i have to say is:

hallelujah & thank the gods for fire fox!

i've been having trouble blogging from home since blogger upgraded, for some reason when i was blogging using safari i was having horrible connectivity issues. i was only able to post via html, when i tried spell checking i got a mesh of incomprehensible mess & it was just ugly & inconvenient to the max.

i've used firefox over at miss jenn's & miss april's & i decided it couldn't be any worse than the issues i've been having using safari. (yes, i know, i theoretically could have been using internet explorer, but i can't stand it, so no IE for me.

so i googled firefox, found the free down load & then. . . .

& then. . . .

& then. . . .

well, that brings us to now, i'm blogging on firefox, my dashboard is showing beautifully. i'm so happy i could dance.

blogging is made easy at home again for me. yippee!

no wonder marines are so cranky

last night was another fabulous new experience at the y, & that is not at all meant with the dripping sarcasm that one may intuit, honest injun! so jenn & i finally attended the famed boot camp class led by the intimidating holly. honestly, holly is one of those women that is beautiful, fit, & looks like she could totally kick your arse from one side of the planet to the other & barely break a sweat. she's definitely not someone i would want to cross. incidentally, jenn & i first met holly in the kick box d'oh class, she was a co-instructor one night. after class she told us we should come & see her at boot camp class. jenn immediately said "will do" & looked too peppy for someone who had just finished kick boxing class, & my response was "yeah, i'll work on that" meanwhile shooting jenn the you are mother frickin crazy daggers with my eyes.



well, oddly enough, i was the one that pushed jenn to go to the class last night with me. i think i just heard a thud, someone must have passed out from shock. well, they'll rejoin us again very soon. typically jenn is the one that takes me kicking & screaming, almost literally, to the classes (like body pump & kick box d'oh) but, for some strange reason, last night i was feeling particularly energetic & i told her that we should take the class. that was after we did some laps around the track, about a mile and a third, the last half of it we alternated between walking a lap & then jogging a lap. don't worry, i won't break my arm patting myself on the back, BUT, i am pretty flippin pleased with myself that not only did i make myself go to boot camp, but i got jenn to go along with me.



now, i will admit, i was having some serious shooting pain in my left ankle & my right hip was twinging a bit after the jogging, but there was something inside me that said i just had to go to boot camp last night, it was like a life or death pinnacle moment for me. usually i can't tell those pivotal moments in my life until they're in the past, the ones on which an entire future turn, but i know that last night was one of those moments, & going to that class would be, IS, the event that changes everything. i can't see what it is changing for me, but i know it is. to quote a song miss jenn & i listened to last night during our mc-crack fix: "the past is just the future with the lights on." btw, i /heart that line & i think it's really a motto to live by. it's deep man, super deep.



i'm not even going to pretend that boot camp was a cake walk. mmmm, cake. but, i'm also not going to say that it was impossible, because it wasn't! it was a challenge. since neither of us had been to the class we didn't know all of the moves. & our bodies are still not at the michelle kwan flexibility stage yet, but they're getting there. so one move, the garbage picker, neither of us did very successfully. basically you start a couple feet away from a stepper, you hop in, put your hands on it, hop just your feet back keeping your hands on the step, do two push ups, then hop your feet forward & stand up. yeah. i know. read it a second time. my reaction when holly showed it to us was: WHAT?!



&, at one point, mentally, i did pull out the "homey don't bend that way." much like last week at power down, holly very calmly said (while everyone was sitting on their step): "put your right ankle up on your left knee, ok, now put your hands behind you on the step, & slide yourself forward off the step, feel that wonderful glute & hamstring stretch." now, to my credit, i held in the snorted laugh that i was tempted to let loose, but i did give her my patented homey-don't-bend-that-way-look. & i did do my best regardless. i crossed my ankle over my left leg, i leaned back, & i scooted my butt forward as far as i could. i knew that if i moved my butt off that step that i would proceed to fall & crack my head on the studio floor. which is bad for business. interestingly enough, the staff at the Y don't like their members passed out & bleeding all over their floor. i know, how rude.



once again, this is a class that i would like to attend again. the big down fall of boot camp is that on tuesdays it is from 5:30pm-6:35pm & the power down class i like is on tuesdays from 6:00pm-6:40pm. yeah, that makes me a bit of a sad panda :( there is a yoga class after boot camp called power yoga, so once i feel a little less awkward from boot camp i'll have to try that also. luckily, boot camp is offered twice a week, so i could always drag my butt the 25 miles from my apartment to minnetonka to go to that some morning with the fabulous miss jenn.

boot camp did live up to its name, definitely! today i am one hurting unit. interestingly enough i have found glute/thigh muscles i didn't know exist. & my chest is hurting in ways it never has before, all of which is very good. if your local Y has a boot camp, i highly recommend it. holly was great about pushing everyone in class (we even got an extra set of running steps because no one told her their glutes were hurting. . .i won't make that mistake twice!), but she was also great about showing everyone adaptations of some of the tougher exercises so that those of us who aren't yet able to do all of the exercises, could keep pushing along. she also came up to jenn & i at the end of class & made a point of telling us that we did a really good job for our first time at boot camp *beaming*

with that said, boot camp gets an over all grade of an A from me. a really great workout, i can feel it the next day, but also very adaptable for different skill levels, & not nearly as intimidating as it sounds.

auntie em, auntie em, it's a twister, it's a twister, oh wait, no it's not

so i'm a wee bit north of tornado alley, that's typically the area of the united states also known as the bible belt (short aside: is it a coincidence that the area of the country known for bible-thumping-tent-revival-fire&brimstone-jeZUS-died-for-your-sins is also plagued by the majority of tornadoes? hrm, that's a noggin scratcher. . .not that i have anything against bible thumpers, i'm related to a few) so, even though we're a bit north from that infamous area of the country, we've been getting hit by some major storms over the past few days. this past satruday morning, in the early wee hours, or late friday night depending on your perspective, we got hit pretty hard. there were large tree branches, & in some cases, entire trees, downed by the storm. quite a few people lost power for a few hours, & some people even lost their power for a few days, actually, i think a select few are still without power from the saturday storm.

 

well, mother nature decided that we needed a little more of the wet stuff here in the twin cities. last night during the eight o'clock hour the meteorologist kept cutting in on hell's kitchen to give updates of the impending storms descending, quite literally, on the twin cities. normally i am a really huge fan of storms, i love curling up in a comfy chair or on the couch with a fuzzy squishy blanket & a book & just let the rain beat a beautiful rhythm on the roof while i lose myself in the wonderful world of fiction. but last night was the season finale of hell's kitchen.

 

as of late i have been trying very hard to distance myself from tv, watch less tv, read more, that whole schtick. i really believe that tv is making me dumber. this realization came after the fact that i was watching the simple life & actually enjoying it. yes, i was watching it willingly, i was not in anyway tied to my chair & there was not a gun pointed at my head. now, i had not yet gotten to the point where i was willingly hunting down the simple life, but while i was at the group home, my second job, i was watching it because another staff person turned it on for the residents (they like comedies). so after i woke myself out of the reality tv induced mental coma, i decided tv was sucking my life away & i have too much i want to accomplish to just sit & let my life & soul be sucked out of me by the boob tube. i actually don't even have a tv in my room at my apartment, my roommate has one in the living room, but i left my tv snugly at my parents' house.

 

one of the few exceptions to my personal ban on the one eyed monster, is chef ramsay night. my mom & i will get together on monday nights, watch hell's kitchen, have a spot of supper, & converse during commercials & laugh as chef ramsay tells chef after chef to "fuck off" or quit trying to serve up "baby shit." now she & my dad are on their two week anniversary get away up north in da-lut, so i had to go it alone for chef ramsay night last night, which was fine, i was recording it for her, & i plan on taunting her by saying "neener neener neener, i know who wo-on." the one wrench in my was mother nature & her sudden appearance of storm *angrily shaking my fist skyward*

 

just before nine pm, about quarter til-ish, the storm was really kicking up, the station rearranged some commercials & kept breaking in, they were kind enough to at least give us some of the show, & they did let us see the moment when rock & bonnie turned the handles of their doors, rock's opened, bonnie's didn't, so he was the winner, and then- back to the weather. to which i had my own little profanity break. ok, now granted, there were three storms converging, all with "tornado ripe situations" & they were bearing down on blaine & coon rapids, both of which have some fairly large trailer parks, but seriously, if there's a tornado knocking on your door & you live in a trailer & you're STILL sitting watching tv, well, you have bigger problems.

 

i'm not necessarily saying that fox 9 should have ignored the whole situation, but would it have really killed them to give us the last couple minutes of hell's kitchen? just another two minutes so we could see rock get all teary eyed (i'm guessing) & see bonnie's graceful admission that rock is the better chef (once again, just guessing). who knows, maybe there was a major knock down drag out between the two finalists. maybe bonnie found out that julia, while on her team, was rooting for rock & POSSIBLY not doing her best job for the blond nanny? seriously, anyone who's come up with a pink plus sign on a pregnancy test when they were hoping for a minus knows that A LOT can happen in a minute, or less even. true story.

 

so alas & aleck, i know that rock won, but not the nitty-gritties. as far as i know we didn't actually get any tornadoes in the cities here. we got some pretty fierce winds, some more power outages, quite a bit of rain, & one hell of an ass kicking my mother nature, but luckily she saved the big guns for another day. but i am still very disgruntled regarding the season finale of hell's kitchen. i publicly petition fox 9 to rebroadcast the season finale for all of us who really wanted to see the entire show. i feel gypped. once again, i feel like everything was building to this wonderful climax & it was rudely yanked away. like someone falling asleep a minute too early. true story, a lot can happen in sixty seconds.

it's all in da know, babe, all in da know

i've heard for years from more people than i can name, "WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW." & i've always wanted to write about what i know, i have the desire to pull from my life & my experiences to influence my writing, but i've also always thought that my life is boring. who would want to read about my life? it's an interesting dichotomy, the desire to use the things, people, & experiences that have brought me to this point in time, but at the same time feeling like all of those things are so ordinary, so completely blah that they would bore the amish to tears. but, somehow today, i came to the realization, that all of this only SEEMS boring to me because, well, because it IS my life. it's not really boring or lame, i just perceive it to be because it's the reality that i live with everyday of my life.

i am a big enough chick to give credit where credit is due, so thank you much josh for making me realize all of this! i was talking to josh earlier today & he was telling me a story about his night last night in philly & the realization of the actual fullness of my life hit me hard, as if i had been physically slapped, i actually stopped breathing for a moment. now, i won't steal josh's thunder & relate the story because he told me he's going to blog about the whole evening. so once he gets his blog posted i'll link it up & maybe that will be an extra little motivation for josh to post a new blog *winks*

but josh's story was just the catalyst, the blasting cap if you will, that made me start thinking about some of the other people in my life, the stories that i know because of them, & all of the amazing experiences, both large & small, that i'm privy to because of the people i've surrounded myself with thus far in my life.

for instance, jenn, who, even though she doesn't see it, has led an amazing life in her twenty-some years here on earth. she had a great paying very secure job straight out of high school back in vermont & she gave it up, sold most of her belongings, packed what little she had left, to move halfway across the country to build a new life for herself in minnesota. yeah, ballsy. she's one chick with moxie to spare. & if that wasn't enough, she knows some fabulous people, i won't drop names, but she's really close friends with some pretty big name bands, not just local to minnesota, but very well known. & even though she won't admit it, she is a great musician & a fabulous song writer (from the one song i was lucky enough to see of hers).

another one of my friends that i admire the hell out of is sinead, her blog is linked up to mine just off to the right there, it's diary of an irish woman. i first met her three years ago, when i was a mess, i'll admit that up front, still reeling from everything that went on during my seven years of hell with TSSOB* but trying to put myself back together. & she has been a big sister to me, a role model, a best friend, a mom, & everything in between. besides also being a chick with moxie to spare (read her blog & you'll see!) she is also one of the most loving people i've ever met. but she doesn't pull punches either. just like jenn she uprooted herself from her home in ireland, moved to the states, first to the east coast & then to the west. she also never settles for second best, she knew what she wanted out of life & she wouldn't take something less, especially in love. & she now has the best guy on earth & they're expecting their first baby in just about a week.

& then there's the fabulous miss tina, who means the world to me & i love just like she was blood. unlike sinead & jenn she didn't uproot from her home & move thousands of miles away, but she's fought for what she's wanted & believed in. tina is the first person in her family EVER to go to collage. she was a presidential scholar, graduated with honors, & worked her ass off. she's now a new mom with a beautiful baby boy. she's courageous in so many ways. for her job she works on helping abuse victims make their way through the court system, but she never brings that burden home. instead, she lives every day of her life full of love & compassion for each person she meets.

when it comes to stories & tidbits of life, no one tops my dad. he has lived about five lives in his 59 years. he was essentially orphaned at 13 & raised himself, he went to vietnam & came back without a single injury on him, he raised some other man's child as his own, he's met famous people time & again & has never been star struck, treating them all as regular people. he's had so many brushes with death that he knows death's first name is really jerome. & i have never met someone who knows how to tell a story with such grace & finesse that every person within ear shot is literally hanging on his every word. & besides that, he is fiercely loyal to his friends & family. when the chips are down & i need someone to have my back, i know that my dad will always be there for me in any situation, no questions asked, ever.

there are so many other little experiences i've had with different people i know. friends, casual acquaintances, even just work colleges & people i see only once in my lifetime. like matthew from the airport when i flew out to cali for my birthday. oddly enough i saw him in minneapolis, we were on the same san fran flight, then on my way back home, he was on the same red eye as me heading out from san fran back to the cities. both times we sat & chatted in the airport. a really nice guy going out to see his little nephew who was having heart surgery.

i have been analyzing the types of books that i like to read, the types of movies that i like to watch, the music i like to listen to, & i have finally figured out that i don't need to write for anyone else, but just for myself. if i continue to try writing in a style that i *THINK* will appeal to someone else, i'm never going to find my stride, i'll never get my writing mojo, or, my wr-jo. it's all about the beginnings, that's where it comes from. case-in-point: stephen king. when he first started writing, he did it for the joy of the craft, for the fact that it was the thing that he loved the most in the world. (yes, i do realize we're doing a flash back to blogs of christmas past here, but sometimes repetition is good for the soul).

now, i'm pretty sure that stephen king's prom didn't end in a blood bath, or that a deranged evil spirit dressed as a clown lived in the sewers of his child hood neighborhood, or that his car actually came to life & killed for him, but my guess is that there's a lot of the little details that are true. actually, if you read his book, "stephen king on writing" he talks a little bit about how carrie is a compilation of a couple of girls he really did know in high school. so that is sorta based on real life, in a way.

so, it's all in da know. i just need to use what i know to create a compelling novel. easy peasy lemon squeezy, right? well, maybe not so easy peasy, but yeah, that's the attitude. & obviously the raw material is all here, right at my finger tips. so, to all my friends & family, the question becomes: are you ready to be immortalized? *GRINS*

*the southern son of a bitch

proud auntie beckah

last week, on monday july 30th, my absolute bestest friend in the whole wide world, miss tina ann, gave birth to a gorgeous little boy, lucas james. while tina isn't technically my sister, she's just like family to me. she's an only child so my family has kind of adopted her, & her family has adopted me & my sister. so i really am auntie beckah.

i was at the hospital when baby boy was born, not in the birthing room though, i wouldn't have wanted to be ring side! luckily tina's hubby frank took one for the team & was in with her *grins* but i got to chill with my sis, rachee, & the whole tina/frank/lucas cheering section in the family waiting room. by the time i got to see little lucas on his birthday i was super tired & i didn't hold him because i was afraid i would drop him because i was that exhausted. but i went back the next morning & i was holding him when he turned twelve hours old at 10:21 am!

i'm not sure this will successfully post since my work has blocked blogger & i have to post remotely, so if little lucas' picture doesn't show i'll fix it in a day or two. i am so happy for tina & frank, they are going to be such wonderful parents & i'm happy that i can spoil lucas & then send him back to mom & dad!

homey don't bend that way

ok, OK, so yeah, i'll admit it, i did enjoy my workout last night. not while i was doing it, but afterwards. to be honest, while i was on the elliptical doing my time i kept thinking "holy god this is boring, dammit i want off this ride!" & jenn didn't have her esp turned on, i kept glancing over at her giving her my i-am-dying-&-want-off-this-thing look, but she didn't look at me once. then again, she could have been observing my pathetic plea for mercy from her peripheral vision & ignoring me, which is always an option. in the end i'm glad i stuck it out though. because once i finished the grueling time on the elliptical we went to the power down class in the mind/body room.

 

i'll give this to the Y, i'm loving all their free classes. while i really love getting my aggression out & getting the gloves on in kick box d'oh, so far my favorite is the power down class. for anyone who hasn't attended one, it's a combination yoga/meditation class. it is very relaxing, although, a bit challenging also. the challenging part is that i'm pretty well convinced that you need to be a direct descendant of gumby to be able to do all of the stretching exercises. at one point in time, fairly early in the class, we were laying on our backs, knees bent, the instructor said "now put one of your legs up on the knee of the other" so i obliged, crossing my legs thinking, huh, this feels kinda nice, she then said "now reach between your legs, grab that bottom leg & pull towards your body" yeah, about that. i reached my arms straight out, trying for all my might, trying to use the force, thinking to myself, USE THE FORCE, to get that leg to pull up to my body. somehow i managed to do it without intervention, but it was not easy at all.

 

oddly enough, even though this is only the second time jenn & i went to this class, & the first time was probably a month ago, i feel like i was able to bend a bit farther, stretch more, & in general just a wee bit more flexible. although, i still hold to this blog title in that "homey don't bend that way." mainly cause it's fun to say.

 

today my back is twinging up a bit, not necessarily full blown aching, & not the sharp kind of pain where you really want someone to punch you out, but just twinging. my lower back feels all tight & curled up on itself. i think i would feel better if i could just grab a chin -up bar & dangle there for a while. unfortunately i won't be able to do that until i get off work, in five-ish hours, & get over to the Y. yup yup yup. planning on hitting the gym again. i'm kinda bumming because miss jenn won't be going tonight because she has to work late, which means no kick box d'oh for me. so sad. i know i don't NEED jenn in order to attend a class, except, i really do need a partner for kick boxing. they request that you show up in pairs. & even though it's tempting, i think there would be something slightly wrong about me hanging out in the fitness center going "pst, hey, you, what are you doing tonight from 6:15-7:15? can i throw punches at you for half an hour? i'll let you do the same. really, it'll be loads of fun." **ponders** yeah, i just don't see that as being a viable option. that kind of behavior could get me an invitation to not return, for at least a little while.

 

& on that note, i'll close this by saying, if anyone knows the hottie who was weight lifting at the Y last night in the fire & rescue t-shirt, please give him this message: hey baby, you can come rescue me any time. & twice on sundays.

exercise: my favoritist drug of all

ok, maybe not my FAVORITIST of all time, because i'm a pretty big fan of caffeine. & the mccrack cone at the golden arches. but it's definitely a very close runner up. as my blog from yesterday indicates fairly well, to those good at reading between the lines, i was in a wee bit of a blue mood. not necessarily related to any one thing in particular, just kind of a compilation of a bunch of little things that when taken as a whole were a hard pill to swallow.

 

but, last night, i wound up at the Y with miss jenn. & the sadistic chick made me do an hour on the elliptical. ok, well, she didn't hold a gun to my head or anything, but she was doing an hour & since we were working out together i also felt compelled to clock an hour. & then every time i felt myself starting to get lazy & ease off on my pace or intensity i felt her glance my way, even though i didn't catch her in the act & so then i put my head down, gritted my teeth, & pushed harder.

 

now while i was at the Y glistening like a pig i wasn't all warm & fuzzy about the exercise schtick. i was kinda wishing i was lounging in a recliner curled up with my lappy cruising random websites & watching bad tv, yes yes, i really DO know how to live it up. yo.

 

but post workout, after i was able to shower & get into fresh clothes, i felt a lot better. i won't lie & say that i felt a million times better & like clicking my heels together for joy, but i felt more presentable, more put together, more relaxed, & just better able to cope in the big bad world. isn't that amazing?

 

yeah, i think i've come to this same conclusion in a previous blog. er, several previous blogs perhaps? i will say that with the impressive amount of random bullshit that i can memorize & store for years i find it incredibly amazing that i continually forget uber important things about myself. like, that i actually enjoy working out & it makes me feel loads better. or that writing keeps me sane & balanced (ok, once again, won't lie, as balanced as i ever am, but that's still pretty balanced, sorta). selective memory? too bad you can't clean out your brain like the memory on a computer. if i could there are several memories that i would like to rid myself of. including the embarrassing moment back in high school when i was blithely walking along, minding my own business, miserable in my own teenage awkwardness when i did a full on slip on the ice, my feet came out from underneath me, ass over teakettle to quote my dad, & i landed hard on my tail bone. yeah, that's one i could do without. & if that's what i share with people on a blog you can imagine what i have hidden in my grey matter. oy.

 

so, guess this means when i get off work i should head to the Y right? & that i'm all excited & uber motivated to get there & sweat out all those negative feelings that may be lingering & the tension & stress of a tuesday in a call center? yeah, not so much. while i know that it will make me feel better, i'm not super jazzed at this moment to head over to the gym. i know i'll go. i know i'll feel better when it's all said & done, especially post shower when i'm in my jammie-jams curled up with my lappy & able to say "yes, yes i did work out today."

 

then again, a habit doesn't become one over night, it takes time, takes perseverance, hard work & a few slips. i've had quite a few of the last as of late. & by slips i mean things ala my above story from my high school gory days. but i'm really trying to get back my gym-jo. if for no other reason than #1 it's fun to say gym-jo & #2 there are some cute weight lifting boys at the Y that i wouldn't mind ogling.

anyone know where a girl can find a rudder?

despite the fact that i'm very grateful that obviously a lot of people love me & care that i'm not dead or horribly maimed, i'm still having some issues on a day-to-day basis keeping my spirits up, keeping my faith, & doing the things that i want to do to cement my future as i dream it. the things i know that i need to do. & not just need to do as in the obligations of life: a long list of the things that one MUST do just to keep going (like laundry, grocery shopping, or putting gas in your car), but the things i need to do to make it to where i know i'm destined to be.

 

~i need to write, every day, no matter what

~i need to finish a novel, any of them, but i need to finish

~i need to develop a thick skin

~i need to put my emotions into my writing instead of curling up around myself like a wounded caterpillar

~i need to treat myself like a writer instead of an aspiring writer

~i need to have faith

~i need to believe

 

it's funny, but sometimes i look at old pictures of myself & i don't recognize that person. especially looking back three years to my burning man self. i came back so focused from the playa. ready to light the world on fire & dance while i watched it burn. ready to be larger than life & so in control of everything. occasionally i still see glimpses of that girl in my eyes, something deep in the green-gold-hazel-ish undertones of my brown eyes. i have a picture of myself that i took that day, in the airport, on the way back to minnesota, a wonderful myspace-sque self portrait. looking at the picture i have such a deep longing to be able to meld my current self with that former self that it feels like a razor in my chest, a sob that just won't bubble up completely.

 

i do know that somewhere within myself i have the answers to all of this. i know that i know how to accomplish all those things i need to do in order to have the life that is meant for me. but right now i'm feeling a lotta-bit lost, like someone changed the topography & forgot to give me a new map. it's a lot harder to follow the right path when you can't even see the road.

thankful for the little things

i know this may seem a wee bit trite & over sentimentalized, but sometimes thing happen that make me very grateful for the little things in my life. & that make me realize exactly how many people really do love me & care about me every single day. as i'm sure everyone is aware of, on wednesday august 1, 2007 the 35W bridge, just north of interstate 94 collapsed suddenly into the mississippi river. when this all happened i was blissfully unaware browsing at the target in minnetonka. (for those of you unfamiliar with the geography of the twin cities, minnetonka is a suburb of minneapolis, about 20 minutes west from down town minneapolis, give or take & depending on traffic). after strolling out of target with purchases in hand i made my way over to the byerly's to get some last minute supplies for a chicken noodle salad i had to bring for a going away pot luck at work.

in the space of fifteen minutes i received three frantic phone calls. first from my brother demanding to know where i was. at first i thought something happened to my parents or one of my pets. my brother said something broken about my grandmother calling him, telling him a bridge over 35 collapsed, & wanting to know if i was ok. it didn't make any sense, but i told him yes i was fine. he said he had to call my sister & hung up. i was left standing in the frozen foods aisle of byerly's holding a box of ring noodles & a bag of frozen sweet peas looking at my phone utterly confused. as i checked out, paying for the noodles & peas, my phone rang again, this time it was my dad's cell phone number. i think it's completely rude to talk on a cell phone while completing a business transaction so i didn't answer. as i was walking out of the store, about 30-60 seconds after the first call, my phone rang again. it was my mom, calling from my dad's cell phone, in a sheer panic. she kept asking me over & over where i was & was i ok. i told her i was in minnetonka, i was fine, & what the hell was going on. she said something about a bridge on, or over, 35W collapsing & she wanted to know if i was ok. it still didn't make any sense to me, i said i was fine, just doing some errands & about to head home.

even though i had talked to both my mom & my brother & they had both said basically the same thing, i was still left shaking my head, utterly confused about what was going on & why they both were so panicked. i was just leaving byerly's when i got a call from jenn. it wasn't until the call from jenn that the entire situation really sank in. so, once again, i was asked where i was & if was i ok. i told her that i was just leaving the byerly's near her apartment, i was fine, & what was going on?! she told me that part of 35W, a bridge crossing over the mississippi, suddenly collapsed into the river. & that she thought i took that way home. she knew i was going to target but she had no clue if i was still in minnetonka or on my way home or on the bridge. & she was watching the news coverage, looking for my car in the river. that's when i got the chills. for anyone who hasn't seen my car, it's a bright summer blue saturn, with a moon roof, rear spoiler, & detailing on the side. it's a very unique looking car in a special edition color. so if it was in the river, & visible, it would be pretty easy to tell who's car it was. there was something about hearing that jenn was looking among the wreckage of the bridge for my car that made me sick.

i am completely touched that she cares so much about me that she wanted to make sure i was ok & was looking to make sure that my car, & myself, were not involved. but it made me sick to think of the what if. that bridge is not one that i take on a regular basis, but anytime i want to go to roseville or vadnais heights i would take 35W up to 36 east. it's usually a random last minute decision. wednesday, on the drive back to my apartment, east on 394 & then east on 94, i had a full flown panic attack. emergency vehicles were tearing past me on the highway, heading to the scene of the accident as i drove up 394. the 35 W north exit from 94 was barricaded off when i passed it on the way home. & i cried. a lot. not that on wednesday i had any intention at all of heading that way, but the gravity of the situation fell on me all at once.

in the days since this happened i've found out some things. one of them is that while i suspected it, my sister would travel that bridge quite a bit since she lives in north east minneapolis. thank the gods this didn't happen while she was on it. i'm so grateful for everything that led her to not be on that bridge when it collapsed. i also found out that an acquaintance of mine had just finished crossing the bridge & saw it collapse into the river. & my cousin john had planned on taking the bridge route to get home to his apartment near the U of M, but at the last minute took a different route because of the road construction on the bridge. he saw it fall from a different road. while i'm not one to randomly quote biblical passages (& i'm not even 100% this is EVEN a bible passage) but, i'll say it anywhere: there but for the grace of god. . . .

so even though my cousin drives me batty, i'm thankful for whatever caused him to change his travel that day. i'm glad my sister's day took her in a different direction. i feel genuinely bad for all the families that lost loved ones on august 1st, but i also have to say, thank goodness that MNDOT was doing road construction, that the lanes were reduced, because the families mourning the dead & the lost would be a lot higher without that construction. & thank god it was still summer & not the beginning of the fall semester at the U. this was a terrible tragedy that is going to radiate through the cities, especially with those of us raised here, for a long time, but it could have been so much worse.

my biggest thanks goes out to all of my friends & family, coast to coast, that called me & text messaged me just to say hey. there are some times in my life where i feel a bit forgotten, a bit cast aside, & a smidge unloved. & the next time one of those times comes around i'll remember: tina calling me just home from the hospital with newborn baby lucas, sarah calling at 6 am thursday morning just so she could hear my voice even though she got a text the night before, april texting because the phone lines were jammed, & all the other texts, IMs, calls. & when i think of any one of those things, particularly the sum of all of those messages & "i love yous" i'll remember that the dark times really aren't so dark when you have that many people that love you unconditionally.

the power of suggestion

the human mind & body are amazing machines in their complexity. they can function under extreme stress, duress, & pressure, sometimes for extended periods of time. but then again, while they are amazing in their strength & versatility, they can also be incredibly weak at times, & easily bent to another's will or persuasion. sometimes one person intends to influence the other, bending their will & breaking their spirit, as in cases such as kidnappings, cults, prisoners of war & the like. when someone in power makes it their mission to assimilate the person under control. another way that people exert their will on another is more insidious, by just simple repetition of suggestion. sometimes even just one comment can plant a seed of doubt in a person's head that will stay with them for the rest of their life. & even though the body is the most complex & dynamic machine on earth, it is very delicate in that the mind has complete control over the body. if the mind believes that the body is sick, even if it isn't, the body will become ill.

in a way it's very sad how much power a small suggestion can have over the arch of a person's life, if that suggestion is said in the right way, by the right person, often enough. while this is something that i've known for a while, it's something that i have recently realized is very present in my life.

there's three words that i've heard almost ever since i can remember. "with your knee. . ." ever since i injured my right knee for the first time when i was eleven i've heard those words. those words kept me from: skate boarding, skiing, climbing trees, running. . . doing just about everything. i became so fearful that i really would hurt my knee again causing me to be subjected to knee surgery, always said in a whisper as if speaking those two words aloud (KNEE SURGERY) would some how cause the universe to inflict this punishment upon me.

lately i've been purging my life of negativity, including ridding myself of issues from my past that are holding me back. & as i jogged around the track at the Y the other day (more about the sudden phenomenon of beckah's new fond love of jogging in another post) i came to the conclusion that i am not afraid of injuring my knee because i'm really actually afraid, but because my parents are afraid for me. they're afraid that i'll do something to fall & hurt myself again causing serious damage to one or both of my knees. but the catch-22 of the entire situation is that: if i don't exercise & push myself, my body, specifically my knees, will get weaker & weaker, where as, if i do exercise there is a risk of another injury. however, i am starting to think that the risk of injury is significantly less than the good i will do by actually pushing myself to do things that i've previously avoided, like: kick boxing, jogging, & basketball.

from now on i believe that every time i exercise i strengthen my body as a whole, my muscles, my joints, my cardiovascular system, pulmonary system, & even my soul.

post secret

this was posted on post secret for the week of july 8-14th. i thought it was pretty appropriate for how i feel right now.

kick-box D'OH

so, after talking about it for many months, jenn & i finally went to the kick boxing class at the Y. & i'll preface this by saying: yes, i enjoyed myself, & yes, i will be going back again. with that said, it was quite an experience.

even though i know enough about exercising, and especially group exercising, to know that you always do some kind of warm up, i just spaced that fact. so the VERY first thing the instructor says, after making sure we're all paired up with a partner, is "let's do some jumping." my immediate gut instinct response is to think, "fuck jumping, i'm so out of here." & even though the last thing i really wanted to do was jump, i did indeed start jumping. & we kept jumping. up & down. left to right. front to back. bouncing all over the fucking place like picachu on speed. for me it was more like semi animated stepping & less like jumping because, well, i need to work on my jumping. & my jumping muscles.

then we went on to the punching. & the kicking. the instructors would show us three different combinations & then we'd get to do them on our own with lovely background music, some of which really did make me want to punch someone or something. i was completely willing to let jenn be first puncher & i was willing to be the first target, but she insisted that i punch first. i have to say, at first i was a little bit hesitant & scared to punch. i was afraid i'd hit jenn in the face accidentally, or that i would look like a total ass, or that i'd fall flat on my fucking face. but i didn't do any of the above. i may not have been the most graceful person in the gym, but i did a good job of keeping up. one of the instructors even came over to me & told me that i could slow down if i wanted to since it was my first time taking the class. which i took as a compliment that i was working hard enough to impress. or, possibly, i looked like i was going to keel over dead.

but obviously i made it through the class alive & kicking. which, we did do some kicking too. i actually enjoyed the punching more. i planted my feet & tried really hard to put as much power as i could into each punch. imagining that i was beating the hell out of, uh, a certain someone. with miss jenn's encouraging, of course.

jenn did great too. actually, she scared the hell out of me. if she & i were to get in a fight, she would kick my ass ten ways from sunday, trust me. she's a serious hard core scraper. then again, she did grow up with older brothers. i, on the other hand, am the oldest. & way tougher than my brother. i kind of think when she was punching she was holding back alittle because i'm not as strong as she is, so i wasn't quite able to be a steady target, if you know what i mean. but i think she still got a decent workout.

the only downfall to the kickboxing class, & this is kind of a big one, is that the communal gloves are, well, a bit funky. & not funky in a good way, but, a bad way, really bad. let me put it this way: after having the gloves on for 20-ish minutes & removing them, i couldn't get my hands far enough away from my body. so, note to self: if i'm going to continue kick boxing, i need to invest in my own gloves. that's a recommendation to anyone who is interested in taking kicking boxing.

meeting abbae

for no good reason at all, i haven't put my tattoo pic up on my blog yet. i have no clue why, but here she is. my green fairie, abbae.

world, meet abbae, abbae, meet the world.

further thoughts on mimosas

so, here's one thing i learned tonight: mimosas taste really fucking good with nilla waffers. yeah, i know, who'd've guessed? it's nothing i would have ever put together straight away. but i do recommend them if you're having a mimosa at a time other than brunch & need something to accompany the beverage. which, actually, if you think about it. mimosa is just a fancy way of saying "i feel like getting fucking sloshed before noon." though, today, instead of drinking a mimosa in the morning i had it late at night. which is good too. it has to be ten am somewhere, right?

i actually didn't even plan on drinking this evening. but i ran across a bottle of champagne that my mom had been given a while back when i was hanging out at my parents' house today. & since i was planning on spending saturday night at their place, i said "why don't we toss this bitch in the fridge & we'll have some champagne & toast my non marriage when i get home from work?" yes, around my mother i do actually say things like "let's toss this bitch in the fridge." she is, well, both her & my dad, are not necessarily your factory model parents. they've had a few adjustments including the optional profanity filter removal. & it's definitely not worse than anything my parents have said. er, even anything my mom said during errand earlier today.

so, before i went to work at the group home we threw that bitch in the fridge. i got home, my parents each had a bit, & i made mimosas out of the rest of the bottle. i'm not very fond of champagne straight up. yeah, i know, evidently it's a luxery, but i can't stand more than a few sips on its own. but if you mix that shit with orange juice, then i'm all over it like a dog on a steak. same with vodka. i'm not fond at all of vodka straight up. can't stand it. but if you mix vodka up with a bit of orange juice? mm-mmm good!

i wound up pairing the nilla wafers with the mimosa because i needed a wee bit of food to make the medicine, er, alcohol, go down. & for the briefest of moments i did consider an omelet. but, that seemed like too much work, & a bit excessive for midnight on a saturday. nilla wafers just involved a wee little box shake & that was that. an omelet does sound tempting for sunday morning. too bad i'll be out of mimosas by then. but, probably a good thing since i have to work sunday evening again at the group home.

& that ends this segment of: further thoughts on mimosas. thank you for tuning in. this episode has been brought to you by the number 69.

drinking mimosas from a coffee mug~a poem

normally i don't post my poems on my blog. but today, i will. the following is a poem that i wrote today. it's pretty self explanatory. thanks everyone. love much, beckah.

drinking mimosas from a coffee mug

today was supposed to be our wedding day.
instead, i went to target for wash cloths &
razor blades, picked up some sourdough bread,
milk & ramen noodles on the way home from
working my second job. clad in faded blue jeans
& flip flops, my hair back in a soft-worn gray
bandana instead of a princess dress with my hair
in big ringlet curls & a tira flashing like stars,
as i’d once imagined myself wearing this night.

i haven’t heard from you yet, but somehow
that’s ok, because i really don’t want to hear
your voice, or see your number show on my
caller id. i don’t want to think too hard about
the fact that you’ve already moved on to someone
new. & not because i love you anymore, because i
don’t. not in the slightest. not even a tiny little itty
bit with a hint of nostalgia. but because i want
you to think today about what you could have had
& miss me. & call yourself a fool. & wish for just
one more second chance, that i wouldn’t give.

so i’m sitting at home, a smile on my face & in
my eyes, drinking mimosas from a coffee mug,
toasting myself & thankful that i’m still alone,
depending on myself for strength, confidence, &
hope. writing a poem for myself, for my future.
knowing that in the end, i’m wiser for the time
i lost, better for the lessons i gained in the end.
& happy that i didn’t tie my life to yours today.

happy independance day

ok, so it's july 3rd & not the 4th. but this is a different kind of Independence day for me, that just so happens to fall around the Independence day of our country. for me, today is the day that i can FINALLY dump TFF's (The Former Fiance) cell phone off my verizon plan. we broke up in december, coincidentally just about two weeks after he lost the damn phone. but because i had put him on my account as a second phone, i still had another six months left of his plan before i could give his phone number an adios & fare-thee-well from my cell phone plan. which, yes, did totally suck. & then, because he had lost the damn phone, i had the account on hold for 30days so no one could find the a fore mentioned damn phone & charge calls to guam on my account. which pushed the date from june 3rd, to july 3rd, for me to be able to call verizon & get the number dropped once & for all.

this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.

it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.

but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.

i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:

The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.

& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.

it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.

so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.

home sweet apartment

for those of you that i don't talk to very often, i got a new apartment. yippee & congrats to me! *happy dance* my apartment is in st. paul, with a beautiful view of the mississippi river & two wicked cool roommates. ok, i've known my roommates for all of two weeks tomorrow, but still, thus far they're wicked cool : )



i have the majority of my stuff moved in & i've actually started staying there. & it's good. to be honest, it's still a little bit surreal. i did have a place with my sister for a while, & when i moved back with my parents two years ago it was just supposed to be for a month or two, six months maximum. fast forward two years & i was still living there & it just wasn't where i wanted, or needed to be.



yes, i do realize, at 30 i should've been out on my own with my own apartment for a long time. but things with my family are complicated. & it wasn't even always necessarily that i didn't want a place of my own, at times it was because i really felt like my parents NEEDED me to be there with them, if that makes any sense at all.



& my mom took it a lot better than my dad. my mom has known for some time that i was wanting to get my own place, like for, oh, the last year & three quarters, basically just a few months after i moved back in 2005. but my dad has always wanted me & my siblings to live with him forever. he just has this thing about wanting to keep his family close so he can protect us. it's very sweet actually.

but i'm there & very happy about it. the view is spectacular, & the river walk is literally outside my door. this is a very good thing.

someday, someday

so, i'm not normally one to forward emails. as all of my friends can attest to. i don't believe that a swarm of killer bees will descend upon my house & give me the plague if i don't send every chain letter to my closest fifty email friends. this one, i did forward. to a couple of people that i thought could really benefit from it.

& i ran across it again today when going through my email. i have no clue who wrote it, or when, but i'm posting it here because i think it's important for me to remember. & for everyone to remember.


A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package: "This", he said "isn't any ordinary package." He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on and was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it." He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing's he was taking to the funeral house.

His wife had just died.

He turned to me and said,"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion."

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family and less at work.
I understand that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day.

I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it.

I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning. This nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters that I wanted to write.. "One of these days".

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brother and sisters, son and daughters, not enough times at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives.

And on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day.
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it "One of these days" , remember that "One day" is far away... or may never come.

It holds useful messages for the soul.

~ANONYMOUS

the twin theory: minnesota beckah vs cali beckah

i've known this for a while, but reallly have two distinct sides to my personality. this is something that i just vocalized for the first time to whitney on thursday though. ok, well, vocalized & actually processed what i was saying, on thursday. i have minnesota beckah, and cali beckah. the person that i am when i'm in minnesota is very different from the person i am when i'm in cali. it isn't even necessarily that it has to do with real life versus vacation. there is a small element, i'm sure, to the fact that when i'm in cali it ISN'T my normal life, my normal routine, or all of the normal things that i have weighing me down. but it's much more than that. when i'm in cali i feel like i'm given the freedom to be whoever i want to be, without judgement.

don't get me wrong, i love my friends & family VERY very much. it's not that i don't love them at all. but when i'm in minnesota i feel this oppressive judgement no matter what i seem to do. i will throw a disclaimer in here that it is not ALL of my family & friends make me feel that way, but enough of them do that it is a very mentally & emotionally unhealthy atmosphere for me.

if i was left to my own devices i would be much more of a hippie than i currently am; i'd live my life in a more bohemian way. what i mean by that is that i enjoy surrounding myself by artists, writers, musicians. by people who don't necessarily subscribe to the middle class middle of the road lifestyle that seems to be surrounding me lately. not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's the kind of person that you are. for me, it's not who i am. & i almost can't breathe when i imagine my life taking that kind of a path.

& i'm afraid. afraid that if i stay in minnesota, & keep doing the same things i'm doing, day after day, that all of a sudden another ten, fifteen years, will pass & i won't have anything that i'm proud of to show for that passage of time. right now i'm very ashamed & embarrassed about the way that my life has gone thus far. i know that i've learned a lot through the things that i've done, but it's still frustrating.

nearly three years ago, i did something that changed my life. something that was so scary, so foreign, & so completely out there for anyone in my family, but it made an incredible change in me. i went to burning man. this is something that i talk about a lot, but in a way, i don't talk about at all. the thing about burning man is, you can't ever really adequately explain it to someone that's never been there. you can do your best, show them pictures, send them website links, but it's no substitute at all for the actual experience of burning man. it's also kind of like vegas in that there's a code about burning man, in a way, what happens on the playa stays on the playa. it's an odd dichotomy, to say the least.

but i was scared out of my mind to go. really kind of fearful i'd die. but, something amazing happened. not only did i NOT die in the nevada desert. but i actually THRIVED as a person. it was like plucking me up out of minnesota, shaking that midwestern shame off me & plopping me down in the desert was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me in my life. i came back focused & loving my life. trying to just make the most of every single minute. i was so in awe of everything! & then, well. i'm not going to dwell on what happened then.

it'll suffice to say that instead of wasting seven years of my life learning a lesson, i did it in two. so my learning curve is getting better. but i won't dwell on the past.

& so now. now. NOW i need to take a look at my future,figure out what i want, how i'm going to get it & then go after it. that's all there is to it. really. i also need to figure out how to reconcile the twins. i'm not happy as minnesota beckah. but i think she has good qualities that i wouldn't want to totally abandon. somehow i'm going to need to combine the two & reconcile this to one happy medium.

my sister: the prophet

the morning after my 30th birthday & i'm still alive & kicking. but in just a wee bit of pain. i had thought my sister was kind of being a smart ass telling me not to do anything stupid, as it turns out, i think she was being prophetic.

yesterday dev was a total sweetheart & loaned me his convertible for my birthday. all i can say about that car is: O-MY-GOD i'm in love! it's this zippy little nisson in a deep metallic blue. & goddamn that little fucker is fast! a girl could get in trouble driving a car like that every day. but, then again, i also definitely see myself owning a nice little sports car like that myself one day. something like my saturn with just a few more ponies under the hood *winks*

now, even though i am a quarter indian, for some reason those genes have receded from my skin & left nothing but the whitiest of the white to control my skin tone: german, polish & norwegian. yeah, i know, i have no hope. i'm a pretty white white girl. & that's something that somehow i completely forget when i got into dev's car yesterday & made the 60 mile drive north from campbell to pleasant hill. i was basically just in the car with the top down for an hour. which, should be no big thang, right? uh, well, not quite.

& here's the saddest part of the entire thing. when i was getting ready to leave dev's apartment i thought that i should put a little sun screen on my arms & face, but then i got distracted & thought "well, it'll just be an hour, i should be fine." *shakes my head* not a good idea. a really not good idea. i showed up at final sin to get my tattoo & my shoulders were pretty pink. which was fine for the left one because i've had that tat for a year & it's healed up. but for my right one, the place of my new tattoo, the sunburn was not such a great thing. & this tattoo took the longest of all three, i was in the chair for 6 hours. getting tattooed on top of a sun burn. jesus bobby. i'll be completly honest, it was the most painful of the three. even today the burned areas sting a little bit, but aren't too bad. but my tat is more than a bit sore.

tasha didn't say anything about the burn having a negative effect on my tattoo. she's a really talented artist & i know that if she would have thought it wasn't a good idea for me to get the tattoo she would have told me. because if my tattoo doesn't turn out well it also reflects negatively on her. well, not exactly, but if it doesn't turn out well it's not good advertising, if that makes any sense. so far my fairie is looking pretty good. a little scabbed over, oozing just a bit, but my other two did the same thing.

but, i will say that i have learned a very valuable lesson, in that i need to slather myself in sunscreen any time i'm going to be out in the sun at all. not like anyone actually ENJOYS a sunburn, but i really really REALLY hate it. hopefully it'll start healing very quickly so then i'll just have to worry about the mild discomfort of a new tattoo. the slight pulling & itching. it will be about a month or so before it, my tattoo, starts healing enough for me to be able to tell if there's going to be any issues with the design due to the burn.

ok, so yeah, i know what stupid is

PS: i missed noting the one year anniversary of my blog, but this is the 200th post. so thanks for being with me & here's to a long future. CHEERS! *glass clink*

don't do anything stupid

those were the words of wisdom my sister gave me when i said good-bye to her tuesday night after she came over for our pre-birthday/pre-father's day dinner at my parents house. & at first i just gave her a hug, laughed, told her i loved her & no i wouldn't do anything stupid.

then, about 12 hrs later, as a i was leaving for work wednesday morning i thought "hey, HEY, what does she mean by don't do anything stupid? it's my 30th birthday & i'm going to cali, what the HE-ELL can she mean by THAT?!" & i'll be totally honest, i'm still not sure exactly what she means by that because, well, every one's definition of stupid is different.

i am definitely a little bit different than the rest of my family. i'm the one with the tattoos & the piercings. i'm the "whimsical" one who has the big ideas & grand plans & wants more than just middle class middle of the road mediocrity. i won't say that i'm exactly the black sheep. because they don't ostracize me for being different. they don't mock me (well, most of the time) & they don't shun me. so i definitely don't have the whole black sheep syndrome going on here. it's more like, i'm that blonde chick in the original adams family. a little bit different, but still one of the gang. except she was the "normal" one & the family were the "freaks" in main stream society & it's just flip-flopped.


NOW, if by stupid my sister meant getting tattooed again. then yes, i am being stupid. it's just after ten am here in cali & i'll be leaving my friend dev's apartment in about an hour to head up to pleasant hill to final sin body modification to get my third tattoo from the wonderfully talented tasha. for those of you who have been IN-THE-KNOW on my tat so far, the design has been switched up a little bit, but it's WICKED awesome & very perfect for me. i'll get some pics posted on my blog once i get home to minnesota. i forgot my camera chord at home so i can't upload my pics. which is a bit of a bummer, but i'll get over it because it's still at home & i can still get the pics loaded once i'm back there on monday.


& then, well, tonight i'm going to a party here in cali. i'll say more about it tomorrow. for now i'm not saying much of anything except, well, it should be an interesting time to say the least. i have my mini skirt & my fishnets. i'll have a brand-new tattoo & things'll be grande.

one final note: 30 years ago today, at just after 7pm CST in the small town of linton north dakota, i was born on a muggy june night, the umbilical chord wrapped around my little neck, & that's what started it all gang.

j-boys & addicts need not apply

my 30th birthday is just three days away & it has me in a contemplative mood. well, contemplative when i'm not ready to throw a first class hissy fit that is, more about said hissy later on. & one thing that i've been saying for a while, but realized is really really true, is that there are some people that are just plain poison to me. they're like kryptonite to superman, a sports car to james dean, mcdonald's to president clinton, speedball to river phoenix, & so on. the people i'm talking about are j-boys & addicts.

the addicts part is pretty self explanatory, but let me expound on the j-boys part. simply put, j-boys are any male who's name starts with the letter j. once again, pretty simple. for some reason i seem to attract both of these, most often combined into one person. & it winds up being a very bad thing for me.

like my friend sinead says: "beckah, you have the broken arrow syndrome. you want to fix all the broken arrows out there, and you just can't." & even though she been saying this to me, oh, about three years now, ever since we met basically, i think it's finally sinking in. yeah, i know, i'm a slow learner at times. & it's not that i didn't KNOW what she said, or ignored it completely. i agree with her wholeheartedly that i do exactly that. i try to fix people, fix their problems. i don't know, maybe i feel like if i can help someone else out & fix THEM it'll fix whatever happens to be wrong in my life. & that's a problem.

i know that i personally have an addictive personality. anyone who has been in my life through one of my video game fits (super mario, star fox, & WoW to name a few) knows that when i get hooked on something i like it's a scary scene. i am working on funneling that energy into a good addiction, like healthy eating & exercise. & i'm sorta kinda getting there. but two addicts together is not at all good. i have a bad feeling about that one.

& the j-boys. *sighs* what can i say about them? for me, they're just straight up poison. there's nothing else i can say to that. i am planning on getting a past life regression done later this summer, some time this year at the absolute outside. & i'm kind of wondering if there is something in one of my past lives. or, i don't know. there is SOMETHING in me that keeps attracting these guys that are no good for me!

& FOR THE RECORD: i am not one of those chicks who blames all of her problems on men. because, i take full responsibility for the fact that i get myself into these relationships. i allow myself to be taken advantage of men, um, well, men is over stating, BOYS that don't seem to want to grow up & be responsible adults. instead they'd rather suck the life, soul, & light out of someone who is dumb enough to care about them. & even though that does sound bitter, i think that all of my real life friends would agree that my previous statement is very true.

so, to sum up: if you're a boy & your name starts with j, i'm not interested. same is true if you are a current or former, drug addict or alcoholic, cause i can't deal with that shit.

you really can't take me anywhere

week before last, thursday to be exact, jenn & i had hit the Y to try to get back into the tuesday/thursday girl swing of things. which basically means actually going to the gym four or more days a week, eating healthy, & lifting weights. ya know, the TTG* way of life. our gym return was less than triumphant. we did some upper body stuff, some time on the ellipticals & then we were done. so over the Y for the night. this was post the mean boys at the gym, but we were still trying.



i was getting ready to drive jenn home & offered her some crack, er, mcdonald's ice cream. we have developed this VERY bad habbit of going to mcdonald's for one of their ice cream cones. per jenn they are about 150 calories per cone if made according to the corporate specifications. & now it's almost kind of like pavlov's dogs: i leave the Y & i want a mcdonald's ice cream. i can even tell you how much two cones cost, with tax, at the plymouth mickey d's. $2.13.



but me & my crack, er, cone habit, are not the point of the story. the point is the absurd things that happen when i'm allowed to go out in public. so jenn wanted to get a salad when we went to mcdonald's because she didn't have anything to eat at home, er, nothing that was semi healthy. which, depending on the dressing one chooses, the mcdonald's salads are not terribly bad for human consumption.



so we roll through the drive through & order two ice cream cones & a salad, their new south western salad or whatever it's called. so we get to the drive through window, & we're in my saturn so we're riding pretty low to the ground. the guy hands us jenn's salad, then the two cones & goes away. jenn checks the salad & they gave her whatever the dressing is that matches up with that salad, & it had about a billion calories in the package. & she wanted a low fat dressing. so she & i both turn to our left & stare up into the drive through window. & we sit. & we stare. finally the guy turns around, looks startled, & then comes over to the window.

"uh, can i help you?" the mcdonald's dude asked.
"yeah, do you have any light or low fat dressing?" i asked while taking a lick of my ice cream cone.
"yeah we have a balsamic vinaigrette and, uh, yeah, that's it," obviously confused & disjointed.
"can we have the vinaigrette?" i flashed my dimples.
"one minute." he disappeared momentarily, the drive through window snapping shut.
as soon as his back was turned and the window shut, jenn pipes up, "yes, yes i did just order ice cream & i'm asking for light dressing with my salad."

if my life were a movie jenn would have actually said her comment to the drive through dude, as it was, she just said it to me, but it was still pretty hilarious none the less.

*tuesday/thursday girl AKA TTG is my own creation, don't swipe it or i'll beat you severely with wet spaghetti noodles. & trust me, if anyone knows how to inflict pain with pasta it's a fat girl