nearly two years later

nearly two years after my surgery and it's time to take stock of what has happened since feburary 11th, 2008 when i went into HCMC and had gastric bypass.

on the one hand things have gone well. i've lost about 100 pounds, and pretty much kept it off. so that's a big win there. i haven't gotten pregnant, which is a big no-no in the first two years post surgery. i'm now able to eat just about anything in moderation (which is fricken AWESOME considering some people can never eat certain foods).

i'm still struggling with my eating disorder. it's pretty much put me off the map in so many ways. yeah. it sucks. and yeah. i'm dealing with it. on the upside, if there is one, of having an eating disorder, i'm on the mend. and i'm much better now than i was a year ago. i still have bad days where i binge. days where i eat little to nothing. but those are few and far in between. and i'm going forward and hoping to switch to a different type of therapy. i'm investigating EMDR. basically it's supposed to be a lot less painful than standard talk therapy.

this year i'm taking two days off work, the day of my surgery anniversary and the day after, to celebrate, reflect, and take some time for me. right now i'm not super psyched about it. i was dating someone who recently broke up with me saying "you need someone better than me. i'm not good enough for you and will never be." wtf is that supposed to mean? so i've had a bit of rage about this and i'm trying to work through it.

family and friends tell me i'll come out stronger on the other side. they tell me i'll be better in the end. that i'm always stronger. that the universe has some other plan for me. well, right now, i would like to give the universe the finger because i'm sick of it fucking with me. yup. i said it.

welcome 2010

i'm refusing to do resolutions this year. i'm starting to feel it's a good way to set yourself up for failure. instead of trying to do "big ticket" goals this year i'm going to strive each day to make the most of that day. to be true to myself. to be happier and more content with who i am at each given moment. maybe those are goals, maybe not. but watching jenn drive off today made me realize how blessed i am. to have the people in my life that love me and cherish me for who i am. and i need to have faith that they see in me something that i may not always fully see myself.