my milkshake, er, bandana?

after work today i got all changed into my work out clothes, put my bandana in my hair & was leaving the building when this guy who never says anything to me even though i always smile & say hi gave me this huge smile & said something along the lines of "you have yourself a good night."

so when i got out to my car i realized i couldn't find my ipod. i was not too happy, mentally dropped an f-bomb & everything. went back into work to check my desk for it. on my way back into the building i passed by two guys, both so hot you just bite your lip & go mmm-mmm-mmm. & with each of them they gave me a HUGE smile said good night/good bye in some fashion & went on their way. now, yes, on the one hand, maybe they were just being polite? but seriously, their mouths were saying good night, but their eyes were saying hey baby, you look bendy. true story.

now, i'll be honest. by this time, i was a bit freaked out that i had nipple showing or something that i couldn't see. i did a covert full body check & i seemed to be properly covered. who knew yoga pants & a black&white camo bandana brought out the randy in boys? so, this is now my new favorite bandana cause evidently it makes boys drool. hard core.

&, i love this picture of me cause, well, i look totally hot in it.

thought of the week: september 23-29

i see it around me, i see it in everything, i could be so much more than this, i said my goodbye's, this is my sundown, i'm gonna be so much more than this
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american

once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.

i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.

100 things about me

for the record, i'm totally ripping this idea off from a blog, bleeding espresso, that i've recently discovered. i read exactly one of her posts & realized that i need to read more of them. & that i totally have to make a list of my own.

1. i'm a writer

2. first & foremost: see #1

3. i'm the oldest of 3 or the middle of 5, depending on how you count my siblings

4. i'm 30

5. i feel like i'm 21

6. i look about 21

7. my favorite band is bon jovi

8. i won't apologize for #7

9. my parents are still married

10. i've always had a pet since i was born

11. my parents currently have custody of my pets due to my living situation

12. my dog worships me

13. one of my cats loves me but doesn't show it

14. the other worships me. . .& is plotting my demise

15. i'm happier now being alone than when i was engaged

16. at least once a year i re-read the book "the face on the milk carton"

17. i refuse to re-read "where the red fern grows" because i cried too hard

18. when i get furious i need to hit someone or cry

19. i usually cry when i'm furious

20. star wars geek i am

21. i miss my grandpa paul

22. i never met my grandpa paul, he died 16 years before i was born

23. the only bone i've ever broken is the tip of my middle finger on my right hand

24. my favorite tv show as a kid was dukes of hazard

25. i used to want to be a barker's beauty when i was a kid

26. my mother regulated our tv time with coupons. 30min on a school night, an hour on the weekend

27. i had to cooperate with my siblings to watch a movie

28. if my dad was watching tv i could watch with him & not use a coupon

29. chips was my other favorite tv show

30. i still have a crush on the duke boys (the duke boys then, not now)

31. i've been boy crazy since birth

32. my dad reminds me of the father in my big fat greek wedding

33. he did actually say to me once "why you want to lea-ave me?!"

34. i randomly quote obscure movies

35. i love everything orange flavored

36. i really don't like the color orange, at all

37. when my mom was pregnant with me she ate a bag of oranges a day

38. the last time the vikings made it to the super bowl i was a fetus

39. my favorite numbers are 13 & 69 & 77

40. i was supposed to be born on june 13th

41. my birth was delayed by 2 days because 4 other babies had the audacity to want to show up

42. i am so happy that i don't have kids at this time (see #11)

43. two of my best friends had baby boys exactly three weeks apart

44. i still buy happy meals, for myself, sometimes just for the toy

45. my favorite color is pink

46. my second favorite color is black

47. i'm addicted to the mc-crack

48. i /heart going to the Y

49. i hated gym class when i was a kid

50. i loved playing outside & running around until i was 7

51. when i was a kid i wanted to play hockey

52. my mom said "no daughter of mine is growing up without teeth."

53. hockey is the only professional sport that i even semi follow

54. they'll always be the north stars to me

55. i never cried when my grandma ginger died & still haven't

56. i cried when we put my dog anastasia down & went to class drunk that night

57. once in a while i still look for my cat tommy who ran away 14 years ago

58. i still miss my white german shepherds snow & tillie

59. i really don't miss my ex-fiance, at all, in the slightest

60. i like creating acronyms

61. guys with vast vocabularies & large intellects are a turn on

62. #61 is not a euphemism

63. i'm slightly dyslexic

64. i'm a gemini

65. i'm a gemini

66. 64 & 65 repeating was deliberate

67. i believe in reincarnation

68. i've had memories of a past life

69. in case you missed #39 this is my FAVORITIST number

70. i was raised catholic

71. technically now, i'm a recovering catholic

72. my mother doesn't find #71 funny

73. i have 3 tattoos

74. the plan is to do all my back & full sleeves on both arms. . .& maybe more

75. my family hates my tattoos

76. i fly to pleasent hill, cali just to get tattooed

77. my first tattoo is in memory of my baby nephew, logan, who passed away in 2003

78. logan's death saved my life

79. going to the dixie chicks with tina was one of my pivotal life moments

80. i rarely listen to country music much any more

81. recently i was described as "an alternative chick"

82. people THINK i'm a good girl from minnesota. until they see my nose. my tongue. & my tats

83. i loathe being called a good girl from minnesota

84. i totally have a crush on eminem (it's my dirty little secret)

85. anyone who calls my phone between 8pm-8am hears dirty little secret while they're waiting for me to pick up

86. my voicemail is completely ridiculous, but completely based on a true story

87. most of the true stories in my life are completely ridiculous

88. i'm so happy my life is not pastel & boring

89. nothing in my life is pastel & boring

90. i shop at victoria secret. . . for make-up

91. tyra banks is one of my role models

92. my mom is one of my heros

93. this list is harder to write than i thought it would be

94. i'm confident enough to tell my friend "i love you"- - -to their face, on the phone, in writing

95. i did not inhale, true story

96. i actually got grad school credit for going to burning man

97. wikipedia is my new favorite website

98. now that i know how to create hyperlinks i hyperlink all over the joint

99. i like turning nouns into verbs (ie i should've thesaurused that word)

100. i have enough ego for three people, but i'm not egotistical (& that's why i will one day rule the world)

if i'd've known i'd've built an arc

we had a bit of a storm today. ok, that's like saying there was a little leak in the titanic. we had a huge frickin rager of a storm here today in the twin cities. i really WAS going to head to the Y tonight with the fabulous miss jenn, but i was wiped out by the end of the day. i had a second interview for a new job at work. & that is always a bit of an adrenaline rush, going through the interview process, trying to do your best to impress & hoping that it was good enough. along with the fact that i 've been up late most days this week for one reason or another. & the cough is still hanging on like i'm its new best friend (even though i have SO told the cough we're breaking up, it's kinda like when your 3rd cousin twice removed on your dad's side comes to visit for a weekend & three months later he's become one with your couch & your remote control & the local liquor store is sending you thank you notes for the vast amount of natural ice he's buying on a daily basis. extreme measures may need to be taken, for both cousin chuck & the cough).

so i wound up hijacking miss jenn for some mc-crack. & a happy meal. the sky seemed to be getting a little dark as i was eating my cone, but i really didn't think much of it because we've been getting a lot of thunderstorms here lately. & i seemed to recall something during the day about a chance of rain, so i really didn't think much of it. & as we rolled out of mickey d's & headed back to work it started sprinkling a bit, but nothing too extreme. well, for about a minute & a half nothing too extreme. but the closer we got to work the harder the rain started to fall & i knew we were in trouble when the temp dropped ten degrees in the space of a minute & the light poles in the parking lot were swaying wildly as the rain fell sideways in sheets. yup, houston, we had a problem.

i really thought it was one of those flare ups where the rain heightens, beats down, & then just lifts a bit. but it wasn't. by the time jenn was getting into her truck the rain was heavy, hard, & cold. . .first figuratively & then literally. she opened her truck & tossed her purse in, 20 seconds later when she was opening my car door to get her gym bag hail started to fall. like acorn-ish pieces of hail beating the crap out of her, she actually almost fell into my car with the first one slammed into her lower back. after being pelted by mother nature jenn made it safely back into her truck, but she did look kind of like one of those sad little kittens left out in the rain, just completely drenched from head to toe. i felt super bad for making her go get the mc-crack with me.

i was actually worried that i was soon to have a moon roof & a hole in my windshield because the hail was so vicious. i could barely see anything & i was presented with three options: head to the highway & try to get home, drive to the covered parking at work & wait the storm, or find somewhere else to hole up & wait. i drove towards the underground parking thinking that i didn't want to go much farther than that, knowing that i was not going to get on the highway because i somewhat value my health, & i wasn't sure where else i would go. & there was a small part of me that was freaked about my car getting beat to little bits.

jenn pulled up next to me & asked me what i was going to do. almost instantly the tornado sirens went off. since i was raised in minnesota i know not only what a tornado siren sounds like, but that they only sound them when absolutely necessary (& the first wednesday of every month at 1pm). i asked her what she thought i should do & this was her response:

"i've never seen a tornado before, i come from a state that doesn't offer them. i don't know the protocol."

i have to say, even in a potentially life threatening situation jenn is frickin hilarious. if i WAS ever to be in a situation like the titanic where the shit was not only hitting the fan, but being pushed through as a steady stream, i'd like jenn to be there with me because i know that some how she'd make me laugh & make the situation just a little bit better.

now, i do come from a state that offers tornadoes & i've had the protocol drilled into my head ever since i can remember: don't go out chasing them, don't stand near a wall of windows, get to an interior room or a basement, make sure you have a flashlight, & for god's sake stay eff-ing put! so, the smart part of me thought we should park our cars & get into work fast as can be even though we were technically off work & jenn's house was only a mile away, give or take a couple yards. & then there was that OTHER part of me that figured we should just head to jenn's house in the hail & zero visibility because we were only a mile away & we'd both be more comfy, her especially since it's her digs. so, that's what we did, leave the shelter of the parking garage & head out into the storm. awesome. sometimes i'm a frickin genius i tell you what.

with the whole zero visibility thing & the fact that i drive a little saturn sports car it just seemed like a recipe for trouble, & it was. the whole way to jenn's apartment i drove as carefully as i could & just kept praying that i wouldn't stall out or hit any big puddles. & i made it all the way to her complex without doing either one. i did manage to stall out in her parking lot though, which was awesome. jenn was a bit ahead of me in her truck & i didn't see her go through the water because of where i was at, but she said she just barely made it through in her truck. my car, to give him credit, made it most of the way through, & by the time i realized how much water i was actually in, he stalled out. i know jenn has told me in the past that the bottom lot floods with a lot of water or a fast spring melt, but i think i just spaced it.

to her credit jenn did try to call me to warn me, but by the time the call came through to my phone my car was dead in the water, literally. jenn was able to help me push my car out, she waded into the water, shoes & everything to get behind my saturn & help me get it out. now, i was in my interview clothes, if you recall, so i wound up taking off my shoes & socks & trying in vain to roll my pants legs up to get out & push. a little aside, once again, jenn is crazy strong & i wouldn't want to get into a street fight with her. i put my car in neutral & before i was out of my car i realized the car was moving in a forwardly direction & jenn was pushing me in my car out of the water. jesus bobby. i did hop out & do the whole push-on-the-door-frame-of-the-car-with-one-hand-while-steering -the-car-with-the-other schtick. & we had almost cleared the puddle/pond when a guy ran out into the rain to help us get the car out. by then we didn't need any help. but, thank you dude, that was quite kind of you. my car did wind up starting once it was out of the water, but it was not happy with me by any means & kind of gave me a few scares on the way home just as payback. so, lucky i own a small car, eh? it i had something huge like a navigator, well, probably would have cleared the water, but, IF i got stranded & had to push something like a navigator i would just curl up in the backseat & take a nap.

while things turned out ok with me, jenn, our cars & the storm, back home my parents had a few problems of their own. as it turns out, the rain was so fast & so heavy that it flooded the basement, coming in along the walls on the southeast corner so quickly that the water brought silt along with it. yeah, lovely. evidently at one point my brother looked down the stairs & saw actually flowing water. oh, jesus bobby. luckily my brother can be a super awesome person & he went into the basement & got everything up off the floor & got the water up too. which, for those unfamiliar, my parents' basement is where i have some of my stuff still. i have a small room there for when i go home & hang out just to get away from my roommates. so i was a lot not happy when i learned that it was my room was now playing the theme song "i am a rock, i am an island." but, thanks to my brother's quick action nothing of value was ruined. still need to go clean it all up, but he did the hard part.

but, in the end. me, my family, & my friends are all safe & sound, which is the biggest concern. so, just 'cause it's fall in minnesota doesn't mean we've left the severe weather behind. & in the words of the weatherman on the news in regards to storms like this, here is my sage advice: "for your sake, for your next of kin's sake, if you're safe & protected stay there!"

thought of the week: september 16-22

heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment .
~spill canvas, the tide, sunsets & car crashes

i think i've mentioned this recently in my blog, but spill canvas has become of my must listen to bands on a daily basis lately. they remind me quite a bit of jimmy eat world in the story telling nature of their songs & they also have a similar quality on their albums in a nice balance of rock & ballads. this song itself, the tide, is actually quite sad if you listen to it, but this little piece of it, is so beautiful & the words are so true that i just had to use it this week.

it's not as if i'm going to focus only on this moment in my life & not think towards my future because that is simply ludicrous, but i'm doing my very best to find the joy & beauty in every day, every moment if possible. & then when i find those moments of my day, my week, that make me feel that way, i'm going to try to make the most of them & to multiply them. it really is sometimes about those small things.

i've already starting identifying some of those things that make my senses hyper-aware. & one thing i've noticed is my workouts. which, incidently, i've been benched from for two weeks now. but i'm headed back to the Y tonight, lingering cough & all, just because i really miss it so badly. i may not be able to do very much tonight, but if i can even do just 20 minutes on the track i'll be one happy little camper. the upside is that, except for that small very annoying lingering cough, my bronchitis seems to have cleared up & i'm anticipating that by the time the weekend is over that my cough will be gone. i also really think getting back to the gym, getting back into my workout routine & reminding my body what it's like to have all those happy little endorphins swimming through my bloodstream will bring me back to that happy healthy place.

save the endorphins.

yes, cheesey, i know, but i couldn't resist. it's all those little endorphins rushing around that create that feeling of euphoria, that place in time where you really feel alive & zinging with energy that help keep your mind & body going (i'm sure that thrill junkies like skydivers & bungee cord jumpers can back me up on this one). i actually read somewhere that all of those little feel-good chemicals in your body really do help with mood, fighting depression, & even some illnesses. so everybody really should get behind the "save the endorphins" campaign, we'll make up t-shirts & buttons & have a fundraising dinner. i bet if we go green in the process we can get some hollywood celebs to make speeches & donate items for our silent auction.

it can be hard, when those blues set in to keep going out & finding those things that make you happy, alive & electric. but it's exactly those times when it's the most important to be dilligent in taking the best care of yourself as possible. so i'm going to the gym, curling up with a good book & cup of tea, playing with my puppy, & reconnecting with friends. so, those moments don't have to be huge earth shattering events, though they definitely can be.

aargh, shiver me timbers!

for all ye scallywags not in the know, today is international talk like a pirate day.

 

pull out yer eye patch, polish that peg leg, & do it up right with a bottle of rum.

 

yo ho ho.

 

 

sometimes, my dad is right (but i'll never admit it to him)

i am continually amazed by people.

& rarely in a good way.

i have recently had, we'll call it an interaction, with someone who made me shake my head in utter disgust. now by interaction i mean emails & one conversation over coffee folks, nothing more than that.

& some how he seemed to not only think it was some how more serious than that, but also that he had the right to not only try to comment on my life, but try to control my life in his own warped passive aggressive way.

yeah, the response you're looking for is: what?!

so my dad is right, the internet is full of crazies. &, my friends are often right. miss april told me about two weeks ago to just stop responding to his emails, block him, & pretend that i never ever met him. well, i tend to be too nice so i didn't do that. & i feel like, in retrospect, i should have listened to april & two weeks ago just said "thanks, but no thanks." & if that didn't work, pull a chandler & say "i'm moving to yemen."

so for those that are keeping track: no j-boys, no addicts, & no crazies.

damn bronchitis: i spit in your general direction

so, i'm a very sad panda right now *pouts* i was, at this exact moment, supposed to be in a rental car cruising my way towards yosemite, or possibly at the front desk of a hotel checking in late after leaving LAX & heading in the general direction of yosemite, with my fabulous pal julian, fellow burner. instead, i'm coughing & trying with all my might to convince my lungs that they really are happy inside my body & there is no need to jump ship & battling a severe case of acidy stomach brought on by the generic robitussin with codeine prescribed to suppress the a fore mentioned cough.

no, i'm not bitter. not at all.

ok, well, maybe a little bitter. i was diagnosed with the bronchitis last week thursday when i spent some time in urgent care. fabulous. the doc put me through my paces including an EKG & a chest xray because i made the mistake of saying the chest pressure & breathing problems set in the night before after my workout. . . .i did tell her i knew it was bronchitis, but she must have had to CYA so my family couldn't sue if i dropped dead later. so i was sent on my way with antibiotics, told to stay away from the gym for a while, take it easy, have a cookie, you'll be fine in no time.

right.

so on tuesday afternoon at the end of my shift at work i suddenly got dizzy, light headed, lost my balance & nearly fell over. jenn had to drive me to urgent care. she then sat with me. & sat. & sat. & sat. we waited so long generations of fruit flies were born, died, & reincarnated. examination & blood tests later, the conclusion: a virus causing my cough, related to the bronchitis, was causing the symptoms. more meds for the cough. an order to start eating & drinking (since i hadn't felt much like either over the previous days) & an offer for a note to get out of work later & i was off for a mc-crack before heading home.

before my tuesday urgent care visit i really thought i would make it to LA. i was even hopeful wednesday, even though julian was super concerned that i would keel over on the way to yosemite & he'd be stuck driving my corpse to the nearest hospital & then frantically convincing the authorities that i really did die of natural causes. meanwhile, back in the bat cave in minnesota, april was concerned that if i went to LA i would wind up hospitalized next week. . .which could have been the case, the world will never know. yesterday though *sighs* i knew i wouldn't make it. i barely made it through the day at work. i almost passed out driving home because i was so exhausted. so i officially told julian i wouldn't make it, canceled my ticket, & cried a little bit. ok, not really on the crying, but i did a pretty good pout & wanted to cry.

in the end i guess it's ok that i'm home this weekend. i do need the rest. & i don't plan on doing a damn thing more than i abso-fucking-lutely have to over the next 48hrs. & i plan on spending as much time passed out, er, sleeping, as possible. or at least in bed with bad tv on in the background curled up with a book. i have class monday, which, i thought i was going to miss because i wasn't scheduled to land in MSP until tuesday morning, so i have to make sure i get my stuff done for class. & i feel like a first class ASS cause i told my prof i wouldn't be in class, i had to even switch project days with someone because i thought i was going to be gone. BUT, i'm going to be in town with no reason to miss class, & with as much as i pay for school i should drag my butt to campus & get my money's worth, right? right.

so that's my life right now. but it's all good. it's all a learning experience right? & i'll make it to yosemite another time. maybe i'm meant to win the power ball tomorrow night? i better get out of my jammies & into jeans long enough to go get a ticket. in the mean time, i think i'll listen to a bit more spill canvas & pass out for the night.

thought of the week september 9-15th

the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
miss jenn, text message, june 18th, 2006 (from "if i am" by nine days)

there are definitely some song lyrics that have been borrowing their way into my head recently, especially jimmy eat world & spill canvas, but, this quote from the fabulous miss jenn seemed the most apropos to my state of mind today, &, as it turns out, she was quoting me song lyrics *winks*.

as i was cleaning out my cell text messages i found this one that i've had saved for well over a year now & i realized that it is SO true. which is part of the infuriating beauty that is this thing we call life. it is also reminiscent of that lovely old adage "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or "man plans, god laughs." except, this is a little sweeter, gives us a little more credit in the script writing of this crazy play.

my life today is nothing that i would have guessed or planned when i was younger. do i regret that? it really is hard to regret or morn something that you never had in the first place. what i can say, is, even though lately it occurs to me: what a long, strange trip it's been (yes, i did sneak some more song lyrics in *winks* can you id the artist?) i kind of like the place that i'm at right now.

i won't even lie & say that if i could go back & do it all again that i'd do it the same way. cause i can't say that i would. i do love the person that i am & the people that are in my life. i am friends with some of the best people in the world. the universe even. & i guess if i was told that changing everything would mean i wouldn't have them in my life, THEN i may reconsider. but, there is a selfish part of me that wishes i could change some things about my past. the events that still cut like fresh wounds. the ones that have scarred, but never really healed. that sometimes still haunt me in restless nights.

the flip side of that thought is that, aside from losing the wonderful people in my life, i would most likely not be the same person if i were able to erase those painful parts of my past. i have honestly tried to learn from everything in my life. & what i've learned is so much greater than the sum of those individual lessons. does that really mean i'd do it the same all over again? i still don't know.

so i keep fumbling & doing my best to not repeat the same stupid mistakes of my past. but i've also stopped dwelling on those mistakes. & every day i try to ignore the itching & throbbing of those old scars. i pay enough attention so i don't have to go through that again, but not so much attention that i'm not able to look forward. focusing too much on past misdeeds is a sure way to never move forward.

even at this exact moment i'm making it up as i go along. i'm starting another class tonight at school, even though i probably have enough credits for two masters degrees. trying once again to finally finish my damn novel. finally get my masters completed & move on with my life. not that i don't love school, because i really do, but as i was headed home from work last night at the group home i realized, i'm over school. & i'm ready to be done with it.

does that mean that i'll never go back. uh, yeah, probably not. i love learned way too much, & i'll most likely eventually go for a phd so i can legitimately have people call me doctor. *winks* i also may wind up taking guitar lessons just to jump start my re-learning the guitar goal (since i'm almost a third through my 1001 days & i still haven't made any progress in that direction).

maybe that's what makes some people more "successful" than others. their ability to adapt. which, also brings to mind, the saying "it's not a sin to fall, it's a sin to stay down." i'm definitely not staying down, because that's just ludicrous, not as in the rapper. & totally a waste of time, to spend your time wallowing in the dirt because things aren't going the way you planned. so, i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down (name those lyrics & artist).

as always, from the dark side of the moon, with much love, beckah.

thought of the week: september 2-8

and i don't know, this could break my heart or save me, nothing's real until you let go completely, so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving, so here i go with all my fears weighing on me. three months and i'm still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
~kelly clarkson, sober, my december

yes, we're on a kick with the song lyrics. & i thought briefly about not doing lyrics just because i used them last week & the week before, but this is another song that i've been listening to a lot lately & has taken on special meaning to me.

right now i am in that transition place. a year ago on this exact date i was engaged, planning my wedding, i had my wedding dress on order & was freaking out because i had to find another bride's maid since i all of a sudden had four boys & three girls lined up for the wedding. now i'm single & so much happier, like night & day between the two. i have a gorgeous wedding dress hanging in my parents' house. i have my own apartment & i'm actually getting along with my parents again.

i have gotten rid of a lot of elements in my life that were strangling me, keeping out the sun from my heart. the biggest is that not only did i break off my engagement, i broke off the relationship, & i haven't spoken to my ex in a couple of months now. he owes me money & so he's avoiding me. & for my part, i'm trying to surround myself with positive uplifting people & he is very negative & so i want absolutely no part of that kind of state of mind. i have decided that instead of being upset about the money he owes me & will not pay back, i see it as a small price to pay for a very valuable life lesson.

it can be lonely, going from a relationship to being single again. especially when two of my best friends are not only happily married, but just gave birth to beautiful baby boys in the past month. & there is a small part of me that is sometimes afraid that maybe i won't find that one person that i want to spend my life with. the one person that makes me trust them completely & unequivocally with my heart & soul. & it was one of the hardest things ever, to say that "yes, i've made a mistake, yes i need to call this off, i cannot marry this person, i will not spend the rest of my life with them." i am still very happy that i did not get married, but it's still one of those tough things, to admit on such a large scale that you were wrong. to have to face everyone in your life saying, "i made a huge mistake, but i'm fixing it."

even though it can be lonely at times, i'm enjoying my year of freedom, my year of being selfish & doing what i want to do. last night i stayed out until after 4am because i was having fun with my friends & i wanted to stay out that late. & i'm not willing to just jump into another relationship just because some nights it sucks being alone. i would rather do what i'm doing now, loving life & enjoying myself alone, than compromise who i am for the sake of being able to say that i have a boyfriend.

this song is one that is not only beautiful, but makes me remember why i am doing all of this. i'm stumbling along a bit, i have my tough days, but i'm getting there. each day it's a little bit easier, & each day i learn something more about myself that i didn't know before. the song also reaffirms something that i've been saying for the last nine or ten months, that i need to surround myself with positive people with beautiful souls. in my life i really have picked the weeds & kept the flowers.

it's hard at times, cutting people out of your life that are negative, that you realize are dragging you down. there are a few people that i have not been able to completely cut out simply because of the fact that they are related to me, but i have been fairly successful at, mostly, cutting down the time spent with those people. this is something that i have learned in the past: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they are poison to you & so you need to distance yourself in order to keep living every day.

the wild birds at the triple rock

i have recently fallen in love with the album golden daze, which is evidenced by the fact that my blog has recently been inundated with talk of the wildbirds. last night i was actually able to see the boys play live & in person at the triple rock in minneapolis. & my first response is, wow. jenn was completely right in that they are really powerful & even more phenomenal in person.

it is one thing to be able to put together a beautiful album, it's another to be able to go live in front of an audience & deliver better than on the album. last night i saw not only better than the album, but a performance that enthralled me from start to finish. now, granted, i know the songs by heart, so after the first couple of seconds i knew what they were going to play, but i really watched the band, not just listening to the music but watching them play, perform. & i was so impressed from start to finish.

while the wildbirds played i tried to watch all of them simultaneously & take the entire thing in, which was completely impossible, but i was able to focus during different songs on the artistry of the band as a whole & on each member as an individual. what i can say is that they are each very talented in their own right & as a band they are completely magical.

i was especially in awe of the energy & power that nick, the lead singer, put into each & every song, from the very start to the very end of their set. i was also equally intrigued watching jon, the drummer, through out the show. matt, on lead guitar, & hugh, on bass, were also awesome ( i don't want to leave anyone out), but it really was nick & jon that kept repeatedly grabbing my attention.

the great part about the show at the triple rock last night was that it was a small venue. we were close to the stage, i could lean against the wall & feel the music. i know that one day these guys are going to be huge, playing places like the xcel or the target center, so i am going to take every chance i get to see them in small venues while i still have the chance. i said it once & i'll say it again, watch the wildbirds, get their album, go see them next time they roll through town. you don't want to miss this chance.

burn, baby, burn

last night was the burning of the man out in the black rock desert in nevada at the burning man art festival. some burners (people who are now, or have in the past, attended burning man) see the burning of the man on saturday night as the celebration of a new year. that's how it was explained to me back in 2004 & it's always stuck with me. it's celebrating the end of one year & looking forward to the beginning of a new year.

i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.

even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.

somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.

tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.

so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.

come play with the cool kids

well gang, tonight the wildbirds will be playing in minneapolis at the triple rock social club. it's a late show, but, tomorrow's labor day, so i don't have to work, so my ass is totally going to be there! (along with the rest of me, of course).

i have yet to see the wildbirds live & in person, but i have fallen in love with golden daze & expect tonight to be fantastic. so i'll be the cute brunette in the dark blue applebottoms.

see ya there.