thought of the week: december 30th, 2007-january 5th, 2008

i'll say it straight and plain, i know i've made mistakes, i've always been afraid, i've always been afraid . . . can you tell me, you say that love goes anywhere, in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
~jimmy eat world, polaris, futures

so, if you look up the whole set of lyrics, this is a kind of sad song, but there is something beautiful & poignant. & i've been listening to it repeatedly over the last few days or so, & so what better lyrics to end one year & begin the next?

& it's true. i've made lots of mistakes. & i have been afraid, of SO fucking many things, it's semi pathetic when i think back. BUT here's the pay off gang: my past doesn't predict my future. & i'm not afraid anymore. isn't that grand?

& i know that i'm loved. i'm cherished. that there are at least four people on earth who would literally give their lives for mine because they love me that much. & ya know what, that is a pretty fucking cool place to be.

it can be hard in those super dark times to always remember that kind of love is there. but, i'm very fortunate in that i have family that loves me deeply. but even more fortunate that i have friends that feel the same way. i take it for granted that everyone has that kind of love & support in their lives. & i'm trying very hard not to take it for granted anymore.

so i've made my mistakes. & i'll make more. because that's the way this game is played. it's how you learn the rules & how you get better. but i'm not afraid anymore. & that's the best part.

so happy new year everyone. stay safe. be as good (or as bad) as you want.

much affection, beckah

2007 goals: revisited

with 2007 coming to a close it's time to revisit the goals i set out at the *almost* beginning of the year. on january 1st i'm going to post my 2008 goals. i liked the categories of the goals for this year. i liked the fact that there were five & they all started with the letter f. i think i'm even going to keep the same categories for 2008, but obviously not the exact same goals. new year, new goals, right? right. & some of these, like the push ups under fitness, are already on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. so in a way it almost feels a bit like double dipping for using them in more than one place.

i'm also going to do my best to pick things that i want to do, but that are also attainable & meaningful to me. i think too often new year's resolutions are created just so that we can later break them & feel guilty about it. i may even limit myself to just three goals per category so that i can make sure that these are things that i can focus a lot of time and energy on in the next year.

fitness
~work out an average of 4 days/week for 60+min/day
i was doing excellent at the working out for a damn long time, then kind of lost my steam/my focus/my dedication. but i've been missing it so much lately that i am getting back to it & fitness is going to be at the top of my 2008 goals.

~be able to do 10 real push ups
not even close, not even gonna lie about it. but, tomorrow is another day. & tuesday is another YEAR. so i'll get this one onto my 2008 list.

~run for five minutes without dying
i think i came kinda close to this one when i was heavy into the jogging before i got the bronchitis in september. damn you bronchitis! *waving an angry fist* but once again, i KNOW i can do this in 2008.

~by year's end be able to do firm videos without dying
let's see. last time i did a firm video was. was. uh, um, can't recall? so i'll say no go on this one too.

~increase flexibility (for use in "fun" category)
i am more bendy now than i was a year ago. not as bendy as i'd like. but pretty dang bendy regardless.

finance
~pay off at least two of my credit cards
this is still a work in progress, but i'm miles ahead of where i was last year this time. so i'll keep trucking on it. i've also decided for 2008 that i hate shopping. please remind me of this if i tell you to the contrary.

~put money into my savings with every check
i did actually do this one religiously & i'm pretty pleased with myself about it. & i even most of the time put the money in my CD & not just my savings. my bank has a CD called a reward CD that you start with just $100 & then you can add to it. a lower interest rate than a traditional CD, but a great way to save money!

future
~finish my novel
no, not finished. but i've made a great deal of progress on it, most of that within the last four months. so i know i'll be all done with it very very soon.

~finish revising my poetry book
one again. nope. but this WILL be done in '08 because i plan on graduating a year from now.

~submit to at least 5 publications this year
uh, yeah. submitted to none. but, i'm not down on myself about it because sometimes there are things that just take more time. & while i have a ton of confidence in myself, in my writing, i'm still somewhat a tidge intimidated by the submission process. but i'll get over that by april 1st, 2008. why april 1st 2008 you say? because that's one third through the new year. & i'm a math geek & i like it.

fun
~get my 3rd tattoo
yup yup yup. june 15th, my 30th birthday, my 3rd tattoo was born of ink, sunburn, and a smidge of blood on my right upper arm.

~party like it's 1999 for my 30th
on my actual birthday i had sushi with dev & whit, wimpered from a sunburn, had sparkling cider & ice cream cake. the next day i DID party like it was 1999 at mr. floppy's flophouse with dev, mike, & whit and some absinthe. woot. so yeah, i did this one too.

~enjoy the last of my 20's & the start of my 30's
i really have enjoyed the end of my 20's start of my 30's. for all the ups & downs this past year has had for me, i really did enjoy it.

~end the year with ZERO regrets
there are things i would rather not have happened because they were not so fabulous. but i won't say i have any real regrets. because everything that i experienced has brought me to who i am at this exact moment. & i really like me. & i think everything that has happened this year has brought me greater knowledge, wisdom, & the ability to be a better person.

focus
~work up to meditating 5 times a week by years end
i am not formally meditating at all right now. but, i think when it comes to clearing my mind, my mental/emotional space, & taking inventory i am in a lot better place than i was in the beginning of 2007. but this is also a great thing for me to keep working on too.

101 list: 1 year later

here's an update to the list i posted one year ago today. i've completed some things since my last update. i'm still optimistic that i can get the rest of this done before my 1001 days are up. i've only used 365 so far, just a bit over a third :)

now, since 2008 has 366 days, one year from now i'll be at 731. so i've also gone through & put a little * in front of the ones that i know i want to complete by this time next year. i've got 26 down as the top ones i want to complete withing a year from today. i didn't include any of the travel ones, but i do want to travel in '08.

the tally is:
9 completed
2 unable to be completed
4 pending completion upon further examination

i did not do too well in 2007 on this list. BUT, i did get some stuff done, & 1 year later i haven't forgotten about this list, which i think is a pretty wicked cool accomplishment.

*1 learn to play the guitar
2 re-learn french
*3 finish my novel
*4 finish my poetry book
*5 graduate with my mfa
6 see disney world
7 go to ireland
8 get my third tattoo (completed june 15, 2007: abbae my green faerie)
9 pierce my belly button
10 pierce my upper ears (pierced the tragus on both ears, 10.31.07, i'll call this one complete for now)
11 bungee jump
12 sky dive
*13 snowboard
*14 weigh less than 200lbs
15 learn to drive a stick (bought manual tranny car 10.11.07, can drive said car, complete)
16 fly first class (completed 6.13.07 msp to sfo)
*17 get out of credit card debt
18 buy a house
19 visit seattle
20 become a sophmore burner
*21 learn to swim
*22 get my passport
23 become an expert at reading tarot
24 complete the breast cancer 3 day
25 visit vermont (completed 12/30-31/06)
26 go to canada(completed 12/31/06-1/1/07)
*27 go roller blading again
28 visit & return from mexico
29 write a song
30 see the salt flats in utah
31 have a spa weekend
32 finish my bartending classes
33 make a quilt entirely by hand (made a quilt for my cousin adam's son riley, completed august '07)
34 celebrate mardi gras in new orleans
*35 go skiing
36 go to italy
*37 make my own candles
38 take swing dancing lessons
39 go scuba diving
40 get my 4th tattoo
41 get my 5th tattoo
42 go to the garlic festival in gilroy, ca
43 enter the pillsbury bake-off
45 make my own spaghetti sauce from scratch
46 spend a week in alaska
*47 complete NaNoWriMo (@ least 50k words)
48 pull taffy
49 spend a year being selfish (on jan 1 '08 i'm going to take a look at this past year, i'm leaning towards calling this complete)
50 learn another language (other than french)
51 do a past life regression
52 have at least one end game character on WoW (completed 1/14/07)
53 practice palmistry
54 play in the ocean
55 see new york city (not by plane)
56 go the grand canyon
57 tour hoover damn
*58 invent a cocktail
*59 try a REAL martini (not-a-freakin-fru-fru-it-ends-in-tini-so-it's-a-martini)
*60 find my spirituality
*61 become ambidextrous
62 run for more than a minute (i have done this several times pre-bronchitis at the Y, but my run is like someone else's leisurely jog, so i almost don't want to call this complete yet)
63 become lost
64 find myself
65 finish my james dean collage
*66 read "the inferno"
*67 write a fan letter to stephen king
*68 write a thank you letter to stephen thayor
69 send my mom flowers for no reason (completed 02/27/2007)
*70 take my dad to a movie for no reason
*71 surprise my grandma with lunch/dinner
*72 get up to enjoy the sunrise
*73 watch the sunset
74 get to at least 30 states on my list
75 go to hawaii
*76 make home made chili
77 rollar blade around lake phalen
78 win a game of cribbage against jenn-jenn (i did win a game of cribbage, but jenn said it didn't count because it was on a travel board. what do you think dear blog readers: does a travel board count? i'm thinking yes)
79 drive to california
80 dance on myrtle beach
81 make my parents proud of me (12.30.07 OK, so they CLAIM they're already & have always been proud of me. so i'm not sure what i'm waiting for to cross this one off)
*82 forgive grandma ginger
83 talk to my dad about vietnam
84 go to the top of the empire state building
85 have my dad teach me glass etching
86 make kuchen with my mom
87 have matt teach me how to change the oil in a car
88 help matt restore my dad's mustang
89 save $5,000 & keep it in the bank
90 write my dad's story
91 learn to lucid dream
92 create a garlic recipe to enter in the gilroy festival
93 take a photography class
94 become a pool shark (ok, reasonably good at pool will suffice)
95make a new year's resolution that i stick with for one whole year
96 go to a wild game with my dad
97 see a cirque de solel performance
98 interview grandpa caruso for a west 7th street book (sadly my grandpa caruso died this past spring so there is no way i can complete this item)
99 do 10 real push-ups without dying
100 let myself write at least 30 minutes a day
101 finish this entire list in 1001 days (because of my grandfather's death i will not be able to complete all 101 items. as of 12.30.07 i can still complete 99 of them)

busted out at the Y

~note: this blog was started on december 11, 2007~

jenn & i were at the Y tonight, & yes, it's been a while since we've been there, since, obviously, there's been a lack of blogging about. (right before i got promoted so did jenn. & with promotion comes extra responsibilities & longer work hours & less time to go stare at pretty boys, i mean, workout).

so we were back at the gym tonight & it was packed, which was annoying. but we did half an hour on the machines that are like a gazelle, i have no idea what the name is, probably some kind of cross trainer. then as a cool down before we left we did a half mile walk around the track.

when we got done on the track we were just leaving when we heard a voice say "hey, where have you been?"

busted.

it was holly, the girl who teaches the boot camp classes & helps with the friday night kick box d'oh classes.

so jenn & i basically stammered & stuttered & somehow explained the past few months with my bronchitis, her promotion, my promotion, & all the adjusting that new jobs require. yeah, it was lame, but we didn't have to drop & do any push ups right then, so that was good.

by the time we left jenn wound up promising we'd be at the tuesday night as well as the saturday morning boot camp classes. d'oh! & not as in kick box. not that i'm opposed to hard work, because i'm not in anyway, but i had been struggling at the boot camp classes & that was before i'd taken a several month vacation from the gym. i do know that i need to make friends with my local Y once again. i always feel better when i work out.

thought of the week december 9-15th

~note: this blog was originally started on december 14th, 2007~

oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can I sail through the changing ocean tides can I handle the seasons of my life? mmm mmm I don’t know, mmm mmm. . . but time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too ~ stevie nicks landslide

this song has had a special place in my heart for oh, four years now? i went to a dixie chicks concert with tina in the summer of 2003, i want to say it was june, but i can't recall off hand. i just know that it was summer. & i think it was before my nephew was born. which would be june or early july. not like the exact month makes much difference. so it was at the concert that i realized that i was not at all at a good place in my life. i was still seeing TSSOB at the time, & i was not happy in the relationship or doing what i wanted to do with my life.

all of this hit me suddenly while at the concert during the dixie chicks rendition of "landslide." it's also been a song that i turn to time after time when i need a soundtrack to think. something to help me focus as my thoughts swirl around me like a F5 tornado. this song is the thing that helps ground me & gives me something to hold onto.

so this song has come up again recently for me. i've been listening to it, the smashing pumpkins version mostly, & once again it helps me think. i'm not even sure where i'm going with this, except that once again i'm finding myself in that place of flux.

i'm also finding that life is very cyclical. i've recently started hanging out again with people that i first met back in 2004. not that i haven't had any contact with them since then, but we're just talking more now than we have since we first met. it's also sort of weird because of the changes that have happened in the past three years. so i'm finding myself in a similar place to where i was three years ago, but it's like i'm there with a better map of my surroundings.

santa baby: a letter to santa

dear santa,

i know it's the last minute, with you well on your way & christmas having arrived in other places around the world already, but i hope i'm not too late, & please, just keep in mind, this wish is just for some time in 2008. i'd appreciate sooner rather than later, but i know i can't be pushy.

my christmas wish is for a boy. a super crazy smart boy, who's beautiful to boot. someone who loves the fact that i'm a writer & is willing to support me in the insane venture of becoming published. if he's artistic that would be a wonderful surprise, especially if he's a writer too, but not at all necessary.

he needs to be loving, sympathetic, generous, honorable, loyal, passionate, sensual, & confident. he should be close to his family & his friends. & he understands that i'm close to my family & friends. he needs to have his own life & can't expect me to drop mine just because he requests it. he wants to be independent with me (if that makes any sense at all).

my christmas boy should love me, pamper me, worship me, but all well within the normal bounds expected by any princess. he thinks it's cute that i have enough ego for three people but he also knows that i am generous, loving, compassionate. he knows that i'm the first one there to help when any of my friends really needs me.

i want a boy with goals, with drive, with ambition coming out his ears. someone who strives to make something of himself, of his life. someone who is NOT content to be pastel. a boy who wants to go to burning man if he hasn't already, cares about the impact he's making on the environment, knows what trader joe's is & shops there. he buys organic because it tastes better. supports local businesses. he's like me: both a yuppie & a hippie (he's a yippie).

my boy likes to work out & thinks it would be great to go to the gym with me. he encourages me to try new activities & shows an interest in my hobbies. he likes the art museum & the science museum & traveling. but he also likes those lazy nights on occasion, curled up together on the couch watching a bad movie, or a good movie, or a really good/bad movie.

he wants to, one day, have kids, but not right away. & when, in the future, we have kids. he wants to raise them as i do: globally. our kids will have passports as babies. they'll be multilingual & understand that our country is just one little corner of the big world. our kids will be like us: bright, vibrant people, not in anyway pastel.

i don't expect a prince charming with no flaws. i just want someone who will compliment me. someone who i want to see morning after morning before either of us has brushed our teeth.
i want a boy who challenges me & makes me think. someone to curl up with & listen to the thunderstorms.

so santa, that's my christmas wish this year. in the past i've wished on every star, eyelash, and pinch of salt. picked out the fortunes without breaking the cookie. done it all, & decided it's time to go to the big guy on this wish. so i don't expect him naked under my christmas tree with a big red bow. while that would be lovely i think it'd freak the fuck right out of my parents & siblings. if you'd like to deliver him christmas day i'll sign by the X & accept the delivery, but i'll look for him later in the year.

thanks much,

beckah

ps: i left you pineapple juice & rum, help yourself to the leftovers in the fridge. i figure you've had enough cookies for one bloody night.

& this was

ok, not exactly, but close enough.

& yes, i do wanna be a gansta.

& no, i didn't do my tps reports.

bad day

& the play of the day goes to (language warning)

so, i'm going to preface this with there has been a lot of bullshit going on regarding my living situation. which i've not written about due to the fact that one of my roommates has my blog address. but. i've decided i am not going to stifle myself anymore.

& if i don't mention them by name in anyway, then why the fuck not write about the bullshit? it'll amuse someone, i'm sure. horrify others, but amuse at least some.

so, update: i have two roommates a boy & a girl. from here on known as b-r & g-r, for boy roommate & girl roommate, pretty obvious, then again, there are lots of pretty obvious things that need to be spelled out.

the bullshit revolves around g-r. (& for all of you curious about the boy drama: here's the cliff notes version) there have been a lot of little things that have made me shake my head & wonder out loud, more than once "what the fuck?" since i moved in here, but the thing that made me finally decide that things are completely & totally fucked & also completely irreparable is the boy situation.

i'll admit my boy free year wound up being more like nine months. but it was more than enough. so in september i started seeing a guy that i've been friends with for three years. we were dating & etc. one day both g-r & i happened to be home & she asked about the boy i'd been seeing, i foolishly showed her his online profile.

suddenly the two of them are flirting & IM-ing each other & becoming a little more involved than any girl should be with her roommate's boy, or any boy should be with the roommate of the girl he's dating. they both basically blamed the other one saying most of the culpability lay with the other party. (for the record i think they're both fucking lying & they're both more responsible than either will admit)

needless to say, not really seeing that boy anymore.

i was willing to write that off as a one time lapse in judgement on the part of g-r. & the boy was a huge flirt, so i could see him pushing things. & since i didn't have any delusions about keeping him around for a long term anything, i wasn't super broken up about it. i would have preferred to have more of a say in things, but, whatever.

SO. in the midst of all the bullshit with that boy going down, i was seeing another boy. who evidently g-r knew from online. according to her she didn't like him, he'd been pursuing her for years & she was horrified that he knew where she lived. she saw him leaving the apartment one day, but he didn't see her.

i took her at her word, once again, foolishly.

a few days after she saw second boy leaving the apartment he & i are talking & he says he can't see me anymore. he had no clue she was my roommate & he refused to step foot in my apartment again. he actually said it was best we not see each other at all. just cause i live with her. OH, and BTW: he mentions in passing she's talking shit about me behind my back.

i know.
i know.
i know.

& for all of you that have known me for years: yes, i did, & have thus far, resisted the urge to punch anyone in the face. i know. it is a fucking miracle.

so boy two wouldn't say what she said.

his story is she has been chasing him & he doesn't want anything to do with her. her story is the same but with him chasing her. once again, i don't completely believe either one.

but riddle me this, batman: now, how did the second boy know she was my roommate? because she fucking instant messaged him the second he left the apartment. (& she admitted this to me)

seriously. if there was someone you've been dodging for years, why would you instant message them the second they walked out of your apartment to tell them they were just in your apartment? that is completely illogical & asinine. so i'm more inclined to believe the boy on this one. because if my roommate brought someone home who creeped me out & i'd been dodging, i would tell them & ask them to not let that person know i live there.

yes, that is what anyone would do. you don't IM your creepy stalkerish boy & tell him "dude, you were just at my apartment."

i'm not even going to pretend that g-r & i are/were in anyway bestest buddies, but the whole boy drama basically assured that i will never be best buddies with her. it's just wrong on so many levels.

"so, beckah, after sitting on all of this information for two months, why suddenly go into it now?" very good question.

& this will seem bizarre to some: but the reason for tonight is all about the booze. i had an open bottle of tequila rose in the freezer. for anyone not familiar with this liquor, it's a cream based liquor. an open bottle needs to be kept cold (DUH). well i like to keep mine in the freezer. so i had it happily in the freezer chilling out until i wanted it.

tonight i was making dinner & i opened the freezer & noticed it was gone. & i don't deal well with people messing with my stuff. i happen to look up & the bottle is on top of the fridge. i feel it & it's fucking room temperature. which means the damn bottle has been out of the freezer for quite some time to lose all of the chill factor, because the thick black glass gets frosted when it's in the freezer.

how do i know it wasn't b-r? let's see: he's been gone for the majority of the past few weeks. & he has completely given up on attempting to use our freezer. & there was a package of frozen vegetables where my booze had been. hmmmm...yeah, that pretty much does add up to g-r.

SO, in addition to interfering with my social life, she's fucking with my booze. unacceptable.

i call: roommate foul, alcohol abuse, & intoxication interference.

ok, funniest frickin thing at work this WHOLE week!

i'm on my lunch break right now & i happened to stroll by miss jenn's desk after i heated up my lunch. the sad part about us both being promoted is there is not really a chance any more of us having lunch together. because i'm on lunch from noon-1pm each day, and while i'm on lunch she's primary back-up on my helpline. so yeah, that unequivocally sucks, but i'll get over that & it's not really relevant to the story at hand anyway.

 

so i bounced by her desk with my lunch (grilled chicken cordon bleu along with cheese stuffed spinach tortellini with spray butter & a diet coke to drink). i was thinking if she was free i'd spend my lunch hour visiting with her. as it turns out she had one of the newbie reps there & was helping her with an issue. so i said hi anyway & jenn was kind of craning her neck & peeking & trying to see what was in my tupperware. so i set it down on her desk and she says to me "don't set that down or i'll eat the WHOLE thing."

 

well, i don't listen, do i? nope, hardly never. (yes that's a double negative & i'm ok with that. but i still don't listen much :) )

 

so i open it up and tell her & the newbie what i have for lunch & i tell jenn i have extra of the pasta & the spray butter in the fridge if she wants some. she declines but then reaches in & grabs a tortellini, which i'm fine with. & the newbie is asking me to make jenn take a lunch & actually eat some food. the newbie & i agreed jenn really should be taking a lunch & eating real food & she says to us "i'm fine. that will hold me over."

 

to which the newbie responds "that will hold you over? who are you, kate moss?"

 

i did laugh pretty hard about that one & even gave the newbie a high five. good newbie.

 

IN OTHER NEWS: at work we're doing the weight loss competition again. i'm corralling fifteen people. YES, fifteen people. jesus effing bobby. we've got three levels of winners & we're doing this for twelve weeks. so check the farm people blog again, i'll be updating it once more. & once more i'm getting my butt handed to me. after week one i'm in 4th place. yeah, 4th of 15 isn't bad, but it's still not enough to get me into the big money! so i shouldn't be gnoshing on the tortellini either. . .or the popcorn i had for a morning snack. . .or the wine i had with dinner last night. . .or the dark chocolate m&m's i had yesterday afternoon. . .ok. . .i'm in 4th place for a good reason. but more on the farm people blog!

last night of class

so tonight was the last night of my class, how to write a suspenseful novel. i loved the class & i'm actually kinda bummed it's over, i really can't believe it's finished already. it really does seem like i just started the class.

when the class started i only knew one other person in the class, a guy that was in my class last spring, who is, simply awesome. he's a fabulous writer, funny as hell, & just kind of the sorta laid back guy that it's just fun to talk to. & he always has the most interesting point of view on, well, everything. not like i didn't like my other classmates, cause i really do/did. but sometimes it's nice to have that one familiar face. it's one less name for me to remember : )

everyone in class was/is so talented i would read their work from week to week & i was just simply gobsmacked. as far as genres go we had everything from romance to fantasy to young adult to mystery to everything in between. i'm not sure where i would put my book, somewhere in th middle maybe?

one of my goals for the class was to finish my current novel to determine if i was going to do a thesis with concentrations in both fiction and poetry, or drop the fiction piece. basically i put the assignment on myself that i had to finish my novel by the end of this semester/calendar year in order to be able to finish thesis with both. i had the notion that if i didn't finish the novel by the end of this class i never would.

well. WELL. yeah, not so much finished. but i feel pretty damn good about it. which is a damn sight better than i was feeling back in september about this whole thing. so i'm not giving up on my novel, just yet. the class helped me get a really clear vision of what i want/need to happen. i also found out a lot about my character that i didn't know at the start of class (some day i'll write a blog: inside the mind of a writer. . . but for now i would rather stay outside a mental ward & unmedicated, thank you very much!).

i actually feel, just a wee bit, at peace with my writing right now. it's a good place.

the girl who knows it all

on friday october 12th the official word went out at work that i was given the newest QA (quality assurance) position at work. so i went from being a phone rep to being a QA. now instead of just being the girl who thinks she knows it all, they've officially made me the girl who really does know it all.

yeah.

SCARY.

don't get me wrong, it's awesome, but frightening at the same time too. i started my new position monday november 5th, so i've been doing it for about a month now. & so far so good.

basically being a QA involves two main components: doing call evaluations & manning a helpline. my helpline just officially opened last week, so i haven't been doing that too long. i'm the only QA for a select group of reps, so i have a separate helpline from the other QAs. yeah, no pressure there ; )

as for the evaluations, those are pretty easy to do. in a way it's a lot like when i was teaching. we have a rubric that phone reps are given that tells them what they need to do in order for the call to be perfect, just like when i was a teacher i gave my students rubrics letting them know what they had to do on their paper/project to get a perfect score. in theory everyone could always get perfect scores. doesn't happen, but in theory.

there are a couple things that i really love about my new job: i'm salaried so i have more flexibility in my hours & i like the fact that i'm able to help other reps with their issues. i like not being tied to a phone for every second of my day (just my helpline hours). i also like being able to help the other reps become more knowledgeable. i also get to help in the training classes with the newbies. which is really uber awesome.


so, as far as my work goes, that's the latest 411 from beckah world. exciting stuff, eh? i'll update on the other stuff soon. three blogs for one day is a lot :)

thought of the week: october 14-20 (late entry)

i've been away for so long (so long), i let you go for so long, it's a nice day to start again (come on), it's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again, (pick it up), take me back home, there is nothin' fair in this world, there is nothin' safe in this world, and there is nothin' sure in this world, and there is nothin' pure in this world, look for something left in this world, start again, come on

billy idol, white wedding

so, my older sister paulette got married on saturday october 20th in litchfield, connecticut. i was there along with my parents. some of paulette's family from her mother's side was there also, two of her aunts, two of her uncles, & her cousin. (for those not up to date on the beckah geneology, paulette has a different mom than i do, she's my dad's youngest daughter from his first marriage). it was a really beautiful wedding at a gorgeous location with lots of great food, free wine tastings, & lots of swag. you have to love east coast weddings.

i picked this quote for two reasons: the first being that paulette's older sister used to tell her that she always thought of paulette when she heard this song (they really WERE children of the 80's, paulette 7 years older than me & her sister 9 years older). the second reason is that when reading the lyrics they seemed oddly appropriate. & here are the reasons why, lyric line by lyric line:

~i've been away for so long (so long)

true story. when i pulled into paulette's driveway on wednesday the 17th it had been over four years since i'd seen her. the last time i had been out east to see her was right after her son died (the one who inspired my dragonfly tattoo)

~i let you go for so long

once again. true story. non fiction. i had let go of her. i was too wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, &, in a way, i feel guilty because i wonder if i did abandon her when she needed me the most. it's not like i came back to mn in the fall of 2003 & never called her again, cause i did call her. but while i was dealing with breaking up with TSSOB, redefining my life & bridesmaid-ing for tina, paulette was left with an empty house & her own SOB (logan's daddy was not nice). & eventually, over the months, she moved & i couldn't find her. i had to wait for her to get in touch with me. we actually didn't talk for probably well over a year, almost two years actually. & that makes me sad. really frickin sad. i missed her.

~it's a nice day to start again

& once again: true true story. it was a gorgeous day in connecticut on satruday the 20th. it started off a wee bit over cast, a little gloomy, but that didn't last long. she had an evening wedding & by the time it was time for her to leave the house the weather was perfect. gorgeous fall colors everywhere we looked. the sky was clear with just a few poofy little clouds. & on the way to the vineyard for the wedding i actually saw a rainbow. & not just a faint section, but we could see the whole rainbow over litchfield. wicked cool.

~take me back home
now, i'm not delusional, & i know paulette will never move back home to minnesota, but there's something about seeing her again that feels like home. i won't pretend that she & i were extremely close when i was growing up, 'cause we weren't. she is 7 years older than me, which can be a big age difference when it's 7 and 14. there were other mitigating circumstances too. but the point is, going to see her, be there for her wedding, it's taking me back to an emotional home, that i've really missed.

~there is nothin' sure in this world, there is nothin' pure in this world
ok, pessimistic view, thanks billy, but it's also kind of true. there isn't really much that you can count on besides yourself. friends & family will, usually if they're worth a damn, will do their best to do right by you, i mean, they won't deliberately screw you, once again, if they're worth anything as friends/family. now this has less to do with paulette & her wedding & more to do with me in general in my life. & i'm sure i'll go into this more in an upcoming post: but people in general can be major asses. & i've recently learned the hard way to keep more to myself & to not trust people further than i can throw them. & i can't throw most mother fuckers very far.

~look for something left in this world, start again
& this is what i'm trying to do. i think it's what we're all trying to do in a way. & there's not really much more i want to say at this point about this.

so, we'll call this done.

the oddest damn case of insomnia

so gang, i've been suffering from the oddest case of insomnia. for the past couple of days i haven't slept a single night straight through.

it started this past week, it was wednesday night, well, technically thursday morning. i work up thursday at a little before 5am. for no reason. no alarm, nothing. just dead asleep one second & then the widest of wide awake the next.

my first reaction, while staring at my ceiling in the dark was:
FUCK!
FUUUUCK!

I got up, went to the bathroom, crawled back into bed, curled up in the most comfiest bed in the world, and tried to go back to sleep.

NO DICE.

so i did what any insane girl living in minnesota would do at 5 in the morning when she can't sleep: i packed my bag for work, got dressed, went to the Y for an early morning workout, and then went to work.

of course.

my sleep has been pretty fragmented since then. i've been sleeping in small few hour at a time segments since then. saturday morning i woke up somewhere around 4:30-ish am, ok, PARTLY cause a boy from OZ (australia) called me & hung up after like a nanosecond cause he thought i was asleep. but even without that call, i would have been up much earlier than i intended.

& now, i'm typing this at almost half past five am. i've been awake for about an hour and a half. for no good reason. just am.

what do we say boys & girls?

yup:

FUUCK!

this sucks.

maybe it's the universe's way of telling me to use the quiet morning hours to work out? or better yet, write?

so if you're bored at 4:30am. call me. i'm probably awake already.

yes, i am bragging

so, i am posting this blog from the group home via my iphone. i won't post like this very often cause touch screen typing can take me a while. but had to try it & see if I could & i can & that makes me a happy panda!