the whole truth

i'm ready to be honest with myself, my blog readers, & the whole world wide web (aka universe). so today, on the life of my ferrets, i swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. so help me god(s). amen.

i've let a lot of stuff slide as of late, one of the main ones has been my blog. not that i don't love my writing, my blog, or my readers (if any are still left as of this date). i've been absent because i've been healing. i'm finally at a good place, a great place, a place of peace. some place that intellectually i knew existed, but some place that i was never quite sure i would see in this life time.

today i find myself firmly in recovery. & yet, i'm not quite sure yet if recovery is a forever road, or if i will one day find myself totally recovered from the evil demon that is my eating disorder. i eat now. i get my three meals & my three snacks. it's not what the peeps at HCMC would prefer since i'm a post gastric bypass patient, they'd prefer the three meals, but my body just doesn't work that way. & for my physical, mental, & emotional health i need to make sure i'm eating every couple of hours.

for the most part i'm not restricting (starving myself) & for the most part i'm not binging. once in a while i will have a day where for whatever reason i think it's a good idea to push my body & i wait much too late to have breakfast. or i'll skip lunch or under eat at dinner. on the flip side of that coin when i'm stressed i some times find myself reaching to munch on something. the old habit of using food as an emotional band-aid. the difference now is that i recognize myself doing these things & i stop myself. i stop myself because i know that i'm worth fighting for. that it's just food. it's fuel. & if i want to accomplish all the AMAZING things i have planned for myself i need to treat my body as a machine. ya know, rotate the tires, get the oil changed, fill the gas tank, get the engine detailed....oh wait, that's the list of maintenance for my saturn.

what has happened thus far in 2011? so many things! the year is almost 25% done and already i'm on cloud nineteen (yes, i'm still a drama queen with a flair for melodrama after all this time). just on friday i had my defense for my MFA thesis. &{drum roll please}: i passed with no revisions required! which means i need to just get the final copies of my thesis to the office and then i graduate. it's been 9 years that i've been in the MFA program & i'm finally graduating. when i think on it i'm so happy that i literally want to cry.

cry? why for you ask. thanks for asking. {hint: here's where the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth part comes in} i cry because i realize how terribly close i came to not making it to this day. back in 2009 when my uncle joe died i missed his funeral because of how sick i was with my eating disorder. & while i was honest about this on my blog i wasn't brutally honest. the brutal honesty is something that i've come face to face with in the past month as i finished my thesis & really done some hard core introspection on my time in the MFA program. there was something about facing the end of the student era of my life & preparing to move onto the next, as of yet unnamed, phase that has made me rewind time and re-watch my life.

my plan is to use my poetry to change the world. i want to take my message about living with & recovering from an eating disorder to help keep other girls from going through the same hell. & as i prepare to do that i've realized that even though i'm in recovery i have not been completely honest with the people i care most about. my eating disorder nearly killed me. i'm not being melodramatic. i'm not asking for sympathy, for pity, or for tears. i just need to be transparent about what really happened.

2009 was a total craptastic year in so very many ways. but it was a year that i needed. that year tested me. when i was at the sickest & allowing my eating disorder demon to control me i was so weak that each day i was in pain. this is not a metaphor. yes i was in emotional & mental pain. but i was in physical pain. my back hurt, my tail bone hurt, my chest hurt. every day it hurt to breathe. i'm not even talking deep breaths, i'm talking regular breathing made my chest hurt. but i was scared to say anything because i did not want to be hospitalized.

when my therapist told me that she thought i needed to be hospitalized i balked. i know if i would have told her about the chest pains i probably would have been committed against my will {which was the only way, i told her, i would be hospitalized} at one point she said that i was so malnourished & dehydrated that if i did not start eating i would probably be placed on a feeding tube. i was in such a dark place that secretly i wanted that to happen. because if i had a feeding tube then i wouldn't have to deal with food. as i type this & remember sitting in her office with that reality it does make me sad. she was trying to use it as a threat & the me at that time saw it as a golden ticket.

the thing that i have not confessed to anyone until recently is how close i really came to death. i'm convinced now as i look back at that time that i was much closer to dying than i realized. every week i thought about dying at least three or four times. sometimes it was multiple times a day. it was not that i wanted to kill myself. to me that was selfish to slice my wrists open or over dose on pills. but i was slowly killing myself. every day it hurt to open my eyes, i drank a gallon of coffee a day just to get myself enough energy to drive the 3.3 miles to work & hunch over my desk. i put a smile on my face when people were looking, a grimace when no one was looking.

at least twice a week i would tally the people in my life. my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my grandma, each of my friends. & as i thought of each one i would tell myself they would be okay if i didn't wake up the next day. if my heart just stopped beating from the strain, the stress, not enough food, not enough water. & as i thought of each of them i did feel a bit of guilt, what would happen if i did die. but i also told myself they would be okay. i told myself that then my parents wouldn't need to worry anymore. that my dad wouldn't tell my sister that because we work at the same place it's her responsibility to go to my desk each day & make sure i'm eating.

even my ferrets. i thought of them & what would happen to them. i knew my family would make sure they were taken care of until they crossed the rainbow bridge. cassie & sunny d, my first two boys. they'd be sad, but they would get over it. podo & doodle are strong & would carry on. marley, linus & lucy were young & resilient. they'd all be okay. except for my nyddah. my little rescue from the humane society. i knew that if i died nyddah would not be okay. she would not be okay just living with my parents.

she crawled into a deep crevice in my heart when she reached up & licked my chin at the shelter on august 16, 2008. i've heard people say soul mates are not always human. in a way i feel nyddah is my soul mate. i love that little furkid more than i ever thought i could love another soul. just as she crawled into my heart i know i crawled into hers. it was miss nyddah & the thought that my death would kill her that kept me getting up day after day. it kept me fighting. i know that it will probably hurt those that i love when they realize that what kept me going was nyddah instead of one of the humans in my life.

but as i type this i don't hang my head in shame. {statistics are slippery things & i try not to use them, especially in my blog, however....} about 20% of people with eating disorders will die without treatment. even receiving treatment 2-3% of people with an eating disorder will die as a result of their disease. sure, that's a low statistic. however. i tend to defy the odds. there was a minuscule chance, less than 1%, of the type of complications i had post gastric bypass, & yet i had surgery again four months & three days after my bypass because of complications. my tonsils were removed twice because they grew back. i was born with only three wisdom teeth. i tend to be an odd conglomeration of weird medical issues.

& the point of all of this? honesty. i want to change the world with my poetry. i want to stand in front of millions of people & read my poems & change their lives. i will open people's hearts & minds & change the way people with eating disorders are viewed. i will open the dialogue so that there is no more shame. it's a disease just like breast cancer or seizure disorders or alzheimers. no one blames someone for getting cancer or having seizures or alzheimers, why attach shame to an eating disorder. & to be the role model i know i can be, to revolutionize the way people see this disease, i need to make sure i'm honest with myself, with those around me.

to thank nyddah for saving my life i've dedicated my poetry book to her. i realize she's a ferret and {probably} can't read. but, for me, i needed to acknowledge how close i came to dying & who saved my life. so, miss nyddah: i love you, always. thank you for saving me.

holy long absence, batman!

so after poking a facebook friend to read my blog and then i'll read hers i decided to see how long it's been since i blogged and was gobsmacked to find out it's been two plus months! then again, the past two months have been very full. just two days after my last blog, on august 8th, my sweetheart fry was in a very bad car accident and nearly killed. thank the gods he was able to walk away. here's what happened:

he was headed north on round lake boulevard in anoka. it's a two lane highway, the speed limit is 55 mph. a car was stopped to make a left. so the car in front of fry stopped. and fry stopped. and there's where it got ugly. the 20-something girl behind him "looked down for a second" when she looked up everyone was stopped. she jerked the wheel to the right and slammed on her brakes but hit the back right of fry's yaris hard enough to bend the axle and plow his car into the car in front of him and into oncoming traffic where his car was then hit again by a full size dodge ram pickup. his car was completely totaled out. and everyone who talked to us in the weeks after said usually the driver doesn't live in accidents like this:


even now with him sitting next to me eating bbq pringles and watching a very bad "meteor destroys earth movie" knowing he's safe. knowing he's ok. i get panicky and tears threaten to run because i came so very close to losing him. my heart races and my throat closes and i want to drop to my knees and thank the gods for sparing him.

he did actually WALK away from this accident. he got himself out of the car. called me when i was on my way to my part time job and said "i was just rear ended, do you think you can give me a ride?" i asked if he was ok and he said yeah, fine, he just needed a ride. thankfully i didn't see the car until the next day when i went to empty it for him. he didn't even want to go to the hospital, i made him because he had the seat belt mark embedded in his chest and kept saying he wanted to sleep and i was worried about a head injury. thankfully the full extent of his injuries were deep bruises, some slight ligament tears, and partially detached muscle. minuscule in relation to what could have been.

august was filled with helping fry recover. find a new car. both of us learn to be ok riding in cars without fearing the person behind us was out to kill us. i still sometimes feel anxiety when driving. and even more so when i'm passenger. his sister came up to visit from hawaii. we saw weird al at the state fair. life was getting back to normal.

and then bad news from the west. my uncle john, my uncle joe's younger brother, was getting weaker. my aunt sharon emailed us asking for prayers. not prayers for a cure or a miracle. but prayers for comfort and peace and no pain. then in the evening on wednesday september 8th, a month to the day after fry's accident, my cousin rico called to tell us the doctors said my uncle would be lucky to make it 24 hours and they would be simply shocked if he made it through the weekend. my dad packed a bag. tossed and turned all night. and headed west early on the 9th. he made it to the hospital in north dakota just before 2pm on the 9th. he spent a few final hours with his best friend/brother before my uncle john died on september 10th just before 5am.

so with a lot of fear of driving, cars, and dying behind the wheel: i got in my saturn and drove west to say good bye. i returned to the town i was born in. a town i hadn't seen in 30 years and 2 months and 29days. all in all i spent less than 24 hours in that north dakota town before returning east again. to home.

now, not like any of this is ALL about me, but i had just started to gain my balance again and completely had the pins knocked out from under me. my uncle john was my godfather. one of the steadies in my life. i still have both my parents, but i always thought that when the time came that i lost one of them my uncle john would be the one to hold me up and give me strength and he would still be there to take care of me. i wanted to see his face when i received my mfa from hamline. i thought he'd dance with me at my wedding. that he'd hold my babies and they'd call him grandpa john. i've had to learn to live again in a world without him. and, honestly, i hate that. but i'm trying not to resent it too much. trying not to have too much animosity towards the heavens for taking him.

it's exhausting to be thanking the gods for sparing fry while at the same time cursing them for taking my uncle john. oh, and then, the day my uncle died it was announced that i got a promotion at work. seriously. talk about an emotional mixed bag. but. blessing too? because i needed something new at work. a new challenge to better use my talents and skills. i'd been in my previous position for nearly 3 years and it was time for a change.

sum up? so, the past 2 1/2 months = nearly losing my lover, my uncle dying, and a promotion.

did i mention that i also have stopped seeing my therapist & nutritionist and decided i'm well enough to tackle this whole eating disorder thing on my own? but, you know what? maybe i am. because all of this could have sent me into a serious spiral and caused me to starve myself again. and it hasn't. i have my moments of poor choices, but everyone does. it's called being human.

insomnia: again? really?!

so. sitting on the couch in the living room. eleven ferrets wrecking havoc on the house. three in the kitchen. eight in the living room. and i can't sleep. one attacking my slipper. it's not doodle. it's cass. holy fucking hell. i know, it's obvious why i can't sleep: there's eleven ferrets tearing ass around the house making noise and trashing the place. that's not it. i'm not sure why i'm not sleepy. i thought i would be. work has been a steady pace lately. and sometimes emotionally challenging. it's tough being big brother and telling people they messed up. it's even more difficult having to tell someone that no, you won't change your mind, and try to nicely get them out of your cube so you can leave work on time.

but i'm actually very content, work life aside. fry and i have a nice home with our furkids. now and again when the temps are decent at night and the bugs're scarce we'll have a bonfire out back and make s'mores. we are very much into cuddling on the couch and watching netflix streaming through my wii. lately we've been on an xfiles kick. (i'm an xfiles junkie from way back so i like to skip around and watch my favorite episodes...currently the rain king...fry is an xfiles newbie so when we watch together we have started from the beginning).

there is a lot on my mind lately. i've finally come to terms with the fact that i very much do have trouble with collecting things. i think i've known it for a long time. and it's something that i've been working on with my therapist for the past few months. part of it is i have a very good memory. i can look at a knick knack and i remember who gave it to me and why they gave it to me. and then i feel immense guilt if i think about giving it away/throwing it away/donating it. as if that person may be hurt that i didn't hang onto whatever it was they gave me. it's not that i'm a spoiled princess and ungrateful for the thought. i very much am grateful to be the recipient of the gift. and most times i've gotten quite a bit of use out of the item it's just that it is now something that i have outgrown the use for. or else, i see something and think "well, i should get rid of X because i don't need it." but then i start thinking about how useful X item would be in Y situation. and then i keep it because otherwise if i have to buy whatever X is later down the line to do Y job then i'll be upset that i didn't keep the previous X item that i had. i grew up very very poor and so i can't stand to see something go to waste or waste my money.

in addition to having extreme issues parting with belongings i also have an extremely hard time passing up a deal. if i see something for 90% clearance at target i'll stock up, even if it's something like burnt orange pillar candles which i have no need for in the near, or even foreseeable, future. i keep a box of "gifts" in case i need to randomly give something to someone. all items that i got on massive clearance and i've stock piled. ugh. stock pile. that's a phrase that gives me the heebees, the geebees, shivers, and dry heaves all at the same time.

my dad used to get mad at my mom for "stock piling" food on the shelf we had in the basement. he'd get mad that she would squirrel away extra food. and in a way i did too. but i also remembered that day from my childhood. all the cabinets open. the fridge too. my mom crying because we had no food at all in the house and my siblings and i were hungry. something like that makes an impression on you. for me it instilled a deep fear of being hungry. or, of not having food. so when i see chef boy ardee on sale 10 for $10 i want to fill my cart with mini lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs, and beef raviolis because then maybe i'll feel safe.

when i go grocery shopping i'm so tempted to use my coupons and the sale ad to fill my cart. even though the cupboards at home are literally stuffed and nearly over flowing with food. fry tells me we have enough. that we have more than enough. that i don't need to buy so much. we're only two people. he reminds me we should work through what we have at home before we get new stuff because otherwise we will wind up throwing stuff away. i nearly threw a fit when he suggested i give some of my scooby gummies and fruit by the fruits to his friend's three year old kid (yeah, me throwing a fit over gummies is a WHOLE other issue in the realm of beckah & her dysfunctional relationship with food). in the end i did give 1/3 of my gummies away to fry's friend's kid, and another 1/3 to my friend april's little girl. but that took SO much of my will power and strength in order to do that. i know. it's ridiculous. and at the same time it filled me a bit with a sense of panic.

i decided today to sell some of my stuff on ebay. the stuff that maybe i can make a buck or two off of instead of donating. i was all set to donate it. but fry suggested we try selling it instead. some backpacks that are in excellent shape, it's just that i don't need them. seriously, how many backpacks does one adult REALLY need? in a way it was easier on me to decide to give them away than sell them. isn't that odd? and i know i have some furbies in the garage. those should sell on ebay too. maybe this will be another small forward step in recovery? cleaning and getting rid of stuff is empowering. but it's also SO scary for me. so very very scary. then again. didn't i just say i was ready for scary? that i am welcoming it with open arms and want to face the scary all on my own? well. i'm thinking maybe i shouldn't be completely on my own. maybe i do need some help. just a wee bit of emotional support from friends and family. i'm still resolved to quit therapy. or rather, bring my need for it to an end. but, that doesn't mean i can't lean a little on those who love me. showing weakness. asking for help. those are positive steps for me.

update on my uncle joe

hey all. my uncle joe passed away sunday morning. i'll be honest, with all the other stuff going on in my life i don't know how to feel. i haven't cried at all & i don't know if i will. i was not particularly close to him. my dad was close to him & my brother knew him better than i did. however. i'm sad/upset on behalf of my dad & my uncle john. but, i'm relieved for joe. from what i read on his caring bridge site his last days were not quality days. & for someone who was a very active & vibrant person that's pretty much hell on earth. so i'm strangely happy that he is no longer suffering.

last week when i was told that things were pretty bleak & it was near the end i had briefly considered driving to st. paul & going to visit him with my dad. but then i thought about it. & the strongest memories i have of my grandpa are the ones in the last moments of his life as he lay in the hospital bed not even remembering my grandmother anymore. i'll get into it another time, but they really did have a beautiful love story & she was his whole world. & in the end he looked at her with unknowing eyes. & that memory pushes out others when i try to think of him. it takes more effort to remember him smoking his pipe & playing solitaire. or sitting in his chair watching football on thanksgiving. or all those other little things that are now fuzzy for me.

i decided that i'd keep that last good memory of my uncle joe. when we all went out for dinner this past summer out on west 7th. & my mom borrowed my pink floyd zip up hoodie because she was cold. & i sat next to my aunt sharon wishing that she & my uncle john lived closer. & watching how happy my dad was to be with his oldest friends. & seeing something in him that i rarely see, a pure joy & genuine smile in his eyes. & joe's booming laugh & handle bar mustache. & the conversation that rolled around cars & engines & so many things that didn't interest me, but i was glad to be there. THAT is my last memory of my uncle. & that is what i'll forever keep with me. my dad & his brothers. having dinner on a random summer weeknight on west 7th. old friends. old stomping grounds. & love. that's what was there.

today is the wake with the funeral tomorrow. it looks like the sun may actually appear today for the first time this week. maybe that's fitting that we see the sun today. i hope it's out tomorrow for the internment.

perspective

my life, my struggles, & my issues have just been shoved into stark perspective for me today. today i got an email from my mom saying that my uncle joe is really sick, the cancer is winning, & he probably doesn't have much longer. i don't even know how to react to it, in a way i'm just kind of numb. obviously i'm sad & i've cried. i've cried today at work while thinking about it. i'm not as close to him as i'd like to be. i'm closer with my uncle john who is also my god father.

quick interjection: joe & john are not biologically related to me. their family took my father in after my grandfather died. the carusos basically raised my dad, called him one of their own, & treated him as one of their own; it was an unofficial adoption basically. i was raised with joe & john as my uncles. their parents as my grandma & grandpa caruso. & it never occurred to me that we had no blood relation, that they had just "adopted" my father & raised him from the time he was 13 & on.

even though john lives in north dakota i'm closer to him than joe. maybe because my dad is closer to john. maybe because john is my god father. maybe because somewhere in my memories i still hold onto the three years i spent in north dakota where he & sharon & jason (my cousin) were my closest family besides my parents. but while i'm closer to john, my uncle joe is someone that i really enjoy having in my life.

he's the kind of a guy that there aren't many around anymore. not saying it's good or bad, just is. he still lives over in the "old neighborhood" where they all grew up in the west 7th area of st. paul. he restores old cars & rides a motorcycle. he has a deep, gruff, gravely voice. his laugh reminds me of santa. if santa was a smoker. besides john he's my dad's oldest friend. not many people hang onto friends that long. my dad'll be 61 in june. he's known the carusos for so much of his life he probably doesn't remember a time without them. i know that i don't have any friends like that. i have some that are close, but not quite.

my uncle joe's time is being counted down now. if each life has a certain number of grains of sand his is almost empty. my dad tried calling his house earlier today & there wasn't any answer. joe may be on his way to the hospital again. my uncle john is stuck in north dakota because of the flooding & now snow that has pretty much shut the state down & isolated them. i'm stuck in limbo just waiting to hear something from someone. i really hope my dad gets to see joe one more time. i know that no one wants their last memory of someone to be when they're sick. but i also think it's important to get another chance to tell someone how much they matter in your life.

for me, one of the last times i saw joe was this past summer at a restaurant down on west 7th. i think it was this past summer. i was there with my parents, my uncle john & aunt sharon, & my brother. it was an italian restaurant & this was after my surgery so i didn't eat much, i only had a small salad. & i couldn't stay long. i don't remember now why i had to rush off. in hindsight it must not have been that important, the reason i couldn't stay. but it seemed like it at the time. but we had a good time, all of us talking & laughing. & it's always so bizarre for me to see this side of my dad, when he gets together with joe & john & they talk about the old times & the old neighborhood & all these stories bubble up about my dad, his childhood, his antics, all these things that i never even knew about. things i never even suspected.

the time i remember before that is at my grandma caruso's funeral. uncle joe was wearing a suit, which is much different than what he usually wears---jeans & a leather jacket is what i always remember. & i read a poem at the service that i wrote for my grandma caruso. & i met his daughter for the first time that i could remember. & her kids. & i had to leave the funeral early to go to a friend's wedding. & on that day i found out that my best friend tina's grandma died. may 13 2007 was one hell of a day, really.

here's some pictures of my uncle joe. i pulled them from his caring bridge website (which is linked above in the first paragraph). i'll update as i find out more. in the mean time, i'm sending lots of love & energy & healing into the universe for my uncle joe, my uncle john, & everyone that loves joe.

intimate details part three: the writer in the suburbs & the fam

things have been rocky for a while with my family & me. i don't always mention it in my blogs, but it's true. we're all five of us very passionate & strong willed people which can create problems when we come to a situation with very different points of view. a lot of my problems with my family have been a lot of my own doing. i have not necessarily been very happy with myself, which makes it hard for me to be at peace with those closest to me, if that makes any sense.

it's been over a full year now that i've been out of my parents' house, the longest that i haven't lived there since the year i lived in the dorms at hamline. & that has helped a lot. i think we needed the space to strengthen our relationship, if that makes any sense at all. i talk to my mom quite a bit. we email each other at least a couple times a week. i also try to stop at their house once a week, or every other week, just depending on what's going on.

while living in the suburbs was a big mental adjustment for me, it's been really good too. i live close enough to my parents that if there's an emergency i can still get there in a reasonable time, but i also live far enough away that no one ever just drops in because they're in the neighborhood. i live about 25-30 miles away depending on the exact route, which, given gas prices, is a pretty long haul. a round trip to & from their house is two gallons of gas in my car, more than that for any of their trucks, & when gas was around $4 a gallon it would make me seriously consider if i wanted to head out there or not. luckily E lives in minneapolis, so i'm not too far from him at all.

my apartment rocks. i like the fact that it's MY place. i don't have to answer to a roommate. if i want to leave my laundry sitting in the living room until i feel like folding it i can. i don't, but i could if i want to. i'll admit, it's a bit cluttered because it's so small & i have ferret toys all over the place. i pick them up each night before i go to bed, but when the fuzzies are running around they need to have access to their toys!

i'm even getting used to the burbs. there is a 24 hour perkins & a 24 hour holiday just around the corner. the grocery store is less than a mile from me & that's also 24 hours. i have a movie theater, post office, & lots of restaurants (both fast food & sit-down) near me. even target is just one exit down 494 from me. it kind of sucks that it's all "BIG BOX" stores in the 'burbs. i like going to unique mom & pop stores, but those are becoming more & more rare. when i make it to st. paul i go to those quirky places (i've even introduced E to little oven & he LOVES it!). i especially like the woman i rent from. she's really nice. i also get along with her daughters, who are just a few years younger than me, & their friends. it's a very harmonious living situation. i credit a lot of my being able to write to my living environment. i have my space. but i can be social when i want too.

it's also really awesome that this is only about 3.5 miles from my full time job, so i save money on gas & commute time. if i really want to i can head home for lunch & then go back to work. i don't do that because i would want to stay home just because once i'm home i like to hang out there for a while. i know i've said it lots, but i just LOVE where i live. it's perfect for me right now. it's a cool little place that is just me. totally me.

OKAY!

so i'm super freaking lame.

i've come to terms with this.

i know it was BEFORE my sister's wedding that i wrote anything substantial. & i feel i need to do so soon, i miss my blog, & i think my blog misses me.

here's the cliff notes version of my life in the last month:
~got a new car
~got promoted at work
~went to ct for my sister's wedding
~had lots of family drama in ct
~had LOTS OF BOY DRAMA back home in mn
~started nanowrimo

doesn't seem like much when i type it all out like that. but it's been very all consuming. i am still planning on doing my thought of the week segments. & plan on catching up on the past ones. how many is it now? one million? *winks* but. i miss blogging. a lot.

so harass me with comments when i get lazy.

is anyone still out there?

bueller?

bueller?

a wee quick note

i am currently in connecticut, my older sister got married yesterday. now that the wedding is over i'm hoping to post two thoughts of the week later today & get back to blogging. this has been one long strange trip this week.

oi.

proud auntie beckah

last week, on monday july 30th, my absolute bestest friend in the whole wide world, miss tina ann, gave birth to a gorgeous little boy, lucas james. while tina isn't technically my sister, she's just like family to me. she's an only child so my family has kind of adopted her, & her family has adopted me & my sister. so i really am auntie beckah.

i was at the hospital when baby boy was born, not in the birthing room though, i wouldn't have wanted to be ring side! luckily tina's hubby frank took one for the team & was in with her *grins* but i got to chill with my sis, rachee, & the whole tina/frank/lucas cheering section in the family waiting room. by the time i got to see little lucas on his birthday i was super tired & i didn't hold him because i was afraid i would drop him because i was that exhausted. but i went back the next morning & i was holding him when he turned twelve hours old at 10:21 am!

i'm not sure this will successfully post since my work has blocked blogger & i have to post remotely, so if little lucas' picture doesn't show i'll fix it in a day or two. i am so happy for tina & frank, they are going to be such wonderful parents & i'm happy that i can spoil lucas & then send him back to mom & dad!

post secret

this was posted on post secret for the week of july 8-14th. i thought it was pretty appropriate for how i feel right now.

the twin theory: minnesota beckah vs cali beckah

i've known this for a while, but reallly have two distinct sides to my personality. this is something that i just vocalized for the first time to whitney on thursday though. ok, well, vocalized & actually processed what i was saying, on thursday. i have minnesota beckah, and cali beckah. the person that i am when i'm in minnesota is very different from the person i am when i'm in cali. it isn't even necessarily that it has to do with real life versus vacation. there is a small element, i'm sure, to the fact that when i'm in cali it ISN'T my normal life, my normal routine, or all of the normal things that i have weighing me down. but it's much more than that. when i'm in cali i feel like i'm given the freedom to be whoever i want to be, without judgement.

don't get me wrong, i love my friends & family VERY very much. it's not that i don't love them at all. but when i'm in minnesota i feel this oppressive judgement no matter what i seem to do. i will throw a disclaimer in here that it is not ALL of my family & friends make me feel that way, but enough of them do that it is a very mentally & emotionally unhealthy atmosphere for me.

if i was left to my own devices i would be much more of a hippie than i currently am; i'd live my life in a more bohemian way. what i mean by that is that i enjoy surrounding myself by artists, writers, musicians. by people who don't necessarily subscribe to the middle class middle of the road lifestyle that seems to be surrounding me lately. not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's the kind of person that you are. for me, it's not who i am. & i almost can't breathe when i imagine my life taking that kind of a path.

& i'm afraid. afraid that if i stay in minnesota, & keep doing the same things i'm doing, day after day, that all of a sudden another ten, fifteen years, will pass & i won't have anything that i'm proud of to show for that passage of time. right now i'm very ashamed & embarrassed about the way that my life has gone thus far. i know that i've learned a lot through the things that i've done, but it's still frustrating.

nearly three years ago, i did something that changed my life. something that was so scary, so foreign, & so completely out there for anyone in my family, but it made an incredible change in me. i went to burning man. this is something that i talk about a lot, but in a way, i don't talk about at all. the thing about burning man is, you can't ever really adequately explain it to someone that's never been there. you can do your best, show them pictures, send them website links, but it's no substitute at all for the actual experience of burning man. it's also kind of like vegas in that there's a code about burning man, in a way, what happens on the playa stays on the playa. it's an odd dichotomy, to say the least.

but i was scared out of my mind to go. really kind of fearful i'd die. but, something amazing happened. not only did i NOT die in the nevada desert. but i actually THRIVED as a person. it was like plucking me up out of minnesota, shaking that midwestern shame off me & plopping me down in the desert was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me in my life. i came back focused & loving my life. trying to just make the most of every single minute. i was so in awe of everything! & then, well. i'm not going to dwell on what happened then.

it'll suffice to say that instead of wasting seven years of my life learning a lesson, i did it in two. so my learning curve is getting better. but i won't dwell on the past.

& so now. now. NOW i need to take a look at my future,figure out what i want, how i'm going to get it & then go after it. that's all there is to it. really. i also need to figure out how to reconcile the twins. i'm not happy as minnesota beckah. but i think she has good qualities that i wouldn't want to totally abandon. somehow i'm going to need to combine the two & reconcile this to one happy medium.

merry christmas!

it's december 25th again & all over people are celebrating christmas. for each person christmas means a different thing. for some it really is a true religious celebration. for some it's all about the gifts & getting that perfect gift (how many people elbowed old ladies this year to get their hands on a wii?) & for some it's just an annoying day that all the stores are closed & you can't even get a big mac at mickey d's.

for me, christmas is about family. unfortunately, most christmases my dad has to work, 8am-4pm, which sucks, a lot. then again, there have been quite a few years that i had to work on christmas day also. the gifts are nice, don't get me wrong. but in a way i'm more excited about giving to my family, seeing their faces when they open those packages that i put so much time into picking out, & not so much time into wrapping.

right now it's 2:30pm & all over america kids are blissed out from playing with their new presents, tvs have wii controls embedded in them, & adults are half schnockered from too much egg nog. & here at my house, we have tbs' 24 hours of a christmas story on the boob tube, the dog is wandering around looking confused, my brother just woke up & is in the shower, my sister is plotting her day after christmas sales plan, my mom is making a sandwich, & i'm curled up with my laptop & my cleo cat. all of us waiting on four o'clock when my dad will be home & we can really start enjoying the holiday.

my fondest memories of christmas from when i was young is the look on my dad's face when my mom would show up at his work, with all of us kids, bags stuffed with sandwich meat, dollar buns, chips, cookies, kuchen, cans of pop, & vhs tapes with our favorite christmas movies. & we'd invade my dad's work for a few hours, eating a christmas lunch, talking, watching movies, drinking hot cocoa. & it made his day just a little bit better.

no matter what you are doing today, i hope your day is good, that you get at least a small christmas miracle.

being thankful

as 2006 winds down in the frenzy of the holiday season, i'm trying to approach the end of the year with a positive attitude & optimistic outlook on life. since thanksgiving typically starts the beginning of the holiday season, now is a perfect time to work on my new attitude. & since thanksgiving, historically, is a time to count your blessings & say what you're thankful for, that's how i'll start my end of the year.

things that i'm thankful for:

~my family who supports me no matter how much i annoy them
~my friends who always stand by me, even when i'm not the most likeable person
~my dog walker who makes me feel like the most important person on earth
~my cat cleo who keeps me humble
~my cat toes who reminds me that there are normal animals out there
~that i'm able to wake up every morning in a free country
~that i'm able to move on my own accord
~that i'm a strong person who's able to help support those around me
~that i have two jobs that i enjoy
~that i have a college education
~being able to follow my dreams

so it's a little bit touchy feely, a wee tad emo, but i really am thankful for all the blessings in my life. it's so easy at that time between thanksgiving & christmas to become so self absorbed in getting to all that places you just have to be, getting the right gift for each person, getting things wrapped & shipped & baked. it's hectic & crazy. & here in minnesota it's generally cold as a mofo outside so you just want to stay in & eat lots of comforting fatty foods & drink lots of hot chocolate heavily laced with baileys. which makes it hard to be thankful or greatful or joyous about anything.

& at this exact moment, the thing i'm most thankful for is that jenn has made me her pity project & keeps me on track by dragging my butt to the Y & giving me that, "oh, you dirty whore" look when i eat chocolate. & the competition does help, because i just realized we're competing for enough money to buy one of us a new ipod. mmmm....now that'd be a sweet sweet christmas present to myself.

maybe tomorrow i'll just have a salad.

it's cold in them thar basement

yeah, so our furnace went out, again. which means we need to get the repair guy in, again. i swear, ever since we've had our furnace replaced we call in a repair person once a year at least to fix the stupid thing. & it's always when we start freezing that we realize it's not working. grrr. so last night i slept in long underwear & thick fleece socks, laying on a heating pad, with four blankets on top of me. luckily it was enough to keep me warm.

&, if you recall from post a few days ago, NaNoMoWri i was talking about cleaning & ridding my house of a bunch of junk. & because there's so much junk, i have to get a ton of it cleaned up before the furnace guy can come out & repair the thing, yeah, we won't talk about the details on that one. but needless to say, even though i was in iowa this past weekend, i wound up doing a bunch of cleaning last night so that our house can once again have that wonderful modern invention of heat.

i also did venture a little bit into the area that is to be known as my office, & it is a bit scary. lots & lots of work do need to be done back there. most importantly it's a lot of dusting, vacuuming, & picking up because no one has been back there for several years. it has a great deal of potential though, which i'm excited about. & i really think that i can have it all straightened away by the end of this coming weekend. i need to work on it each day & just keep plugging away at it.

once we have heat again it'll be lots easier. the basement is a bit nippy right now. but it does look better after the work that i put in last night, & i'm going to try to get in at least a half hour of work tonight even though i have to go grocery shopping tonight & get gas & i have to be at work at 7 am tomorrow, which means i need to be on the road by about 6 am at the latest. EEK! but at least, after 8 pm on wednesday, i'll have some time off work, from both my jobs, a whole four days! i am really looking forward to that chill time.

i'm especially chomping at the bit to be able to give myself some writing time. there's just ten days left of the NaNoMoWri, & if i really want to finish with the 50,000 word limit then i'm looking at doing 5,000 words a day for the next ten days. yeah, i know, get off my keister, quit with the blogging & get with the novel writing! so here i go, again on my own.

luckier than some

my mood, my blog, & my person in general have been fairly dark lately. not goth-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-cause-pain-is-fun dark, but more just melancholy & very un-beckah like. & i won't apologize for it, because there has been a lot weighing on my mind lately, besides of course my butt. & with as hard as i tried to conceal my emotions, somehow they came out in little ways, in my blogs, my off hand remarks to friends, in my interest, or lack there of, in certain activities. & i'll admit it, i've been fairly upset over the past couple months about a lot of stuff going on in my personal life.

but this blog isn't about that.

ever since i posted the blog last week stating that my wedding was being postponed with no reschedule date, i've received a lot of support from my friends, family, coworkers, & my writing advisors. & while i've been keeping myself wrapped up, coccooned in my own little sphere, others have been noticing, & caring, & doing what they can to help.

what i realized today on my way into work is that i'm very lucky. instead of being alone in all of this with no one to talk to, turn to, or cry to. i'm surrounded by people who love me, are willing to listen without offering advice, people who are there for me without strings, without needing repayment, without asking anything of me. & in that way i am so much luckier than many people.

& that feels so great. to know that i have so many people in my life who love me & care about me & genuinely want me to be happy. i know for some people this is a NO-DUH kind of thing. & in a way i know that i have people that if i'm in dire need of help that i can call them & they'll be there no matter the time of day, night, or windchill. but it's so unexpected to know that there are more people than i knew concerned for me.

i'd like to take the time to say thanks much to everyone who's helped me over the last couple of weeks. even if it was just exchanging text messages, playing phone tag, or one line emails. it's all really helped me get through those really tough days & helped me to finally start to see some kind of good that can come from all of this. so thanks much, everyone. i really appreciate it.

on the fa(s)t train

so right now looks like i'm on the fa(s)t train to surgery. i had my meeting monday morning with the nutritionist, christine. i brought my information on my multivitamin, we went over my questionnaire that i handed in at the information session, & went through some other standard questions that she had to ask of me at our first meeting. & i was brutally honest with all of it.

she was really happy with what i have been doing & said that i was an ideal canidate for surgery. she also said that she hadn't met anyone for quite some time that she thought was as ready & as perfect a canidate as yours truly. she also said that because of my insurance i would need to meet with her for a minimum of three times & she apologized for that. when i told her i didn't mind & that it would give me time to get mentally ready for the surgery that seemed to impress her even more. i even told her, it took me years to get this big, i know that it will take time to change that.

so i'm having to meet with her a total of three times, with a month, or more, in between each session. she said that i may be having surgery as early as january. & that my next steps are to get my personality evaluated & my head shrunk. which, of course, she didn't say it in quite those terms. but i do need to take the mmpi (minnesota multiphasal personality invintory) & then see a psychologist after that. i also may need to see their on-site internal medicine doctor, i think that i need to do that anyway for my insurance. so january would be nice, but if it's later that's fine too.

christine basically told me to just keep doing what i have been doing. i have all of the big changes already done that they want people to do before they get gastric bypass surgery: no snacks- just 3 meals/day, no calorie beverages (more than 10 calories/8oz=calorie beverage), & exercising regularly. she did say she understands with my back being all broken & messed up that i haven't been working out as rigorously, but i have been trying to do more walking in smaller chunks to make up for it.

for my next meeting with her i'll have my daily sheets that i've started keeping. i track my exercise, water, vitamins, meals, daily steps & comments on the day. i'm also keeping track of my weights, starting this friday. & it's all in a nice little white three ring binder which is so handy for travel.

in addition to josh & marty, i learned that my sister's roomie & good friend crystal recently had the GB just at the beginning of october. i wish her well with the results & a quick recovery. i mentioned to rach & tina that i was thinking about doing this & they're supportive of what ever i decide to do. as are the fabulous miss jenn (already of blog-fame) & the blonde miss jen (who also works with me & miss jenn). so far all of my peers are very positive in whatever i choose to do. unfortunately, my parents are going to be tougher to get on board.

i broached the subject last night with my mom & she was adamant that i not even think about getting the GB. she said that i shouldn't do anything as drastic as permanently alter my body just to lose weight. & i understand that i'm her baby still & that she worries about me & doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. but i'm also going to be going to hcmc, which is one of the best places in this region. my insurance also has "centers for excellence" which are the hospitals/centers that they have certified to be the best & this is on their list. i feel very comfortable & confident with the medical staff that i've met there thus far. my mom even suggested that i try either a hypnotist or an accupuncturist to help me lose weight. yeah. my mom who thinks that wiccans will go to hell 'cause they're devil worshippers is suggesting alternative medicine to me as a way to lose weight. she even suggested a chiropractor, which she loathes the entire profession due to personal issues.

uh, yeah, it's not going to be pretty. & i haven't come to this decision lightly either folks. i have tried. for years. & years. i have tried everything from south beach to weight watchers to manic exercising. i have met with dieticians & doctors. i've auditioned for the biggest loser. i am light years from where i was at 19 when i drank 4-6 cans of regular or cherry coke a day. i barely drink soda & if i do it's diet. i used to hate working out with a seething white hot passion. & now i love it & i'm super upset that i'm being benched again due to my back. i hated water & refused to drink it until i was around 23 or so, now if i don't get my 64+ oz a day i feel like somethings missing. those are three huge things right there. & i still seem to be stuck. i know that i can't do this on my own. i know that i need some kind of help in order to get to my goal.

& while it would be lovely to be a svelte size 2 & incredibly gorgeous, i have no such lofty ideals in my head. i want to be healthy. i want to be able to RUN again. i haven't really ran since i was in first grade. i want to go sky diving. horse back riding. snow boarding. mountain biking. bungee jumping. i want to be able to do it all without being winded. i want to go to a doctor's office & not have to sit on the bench or stand because the chair arms will cut into my thighs. i don't want to have to analyze the tables at a restaurant so i can pick the "big" side so that it's not cutting into my stomach. i want to have energy to do all of the crazy travel that i possibly can. i want to ride a roller coaster again. to go shopping & not have to be limited to lame giant or the other fat chick stores. i mean, yea for fat girl stores 'cause they weren't around when i was in high school, i had to order my clothes through the mail & hope that they fit. but i want to be able to go shopping at any store that i please. i want to spend a day walking the streets of paris & not worry that my feet & knees will ached & i'll be miserable for a week because there's too much weight on them. instead of sitting on the sidelines & watching my life i want to be out there actually living it.

48 hours & not the tv show

so about 48 hours & josh & i will be headed into minneapolis to go to hcmc for my informational meeting on bariatric surgery. i still haven't made my decision yet, but i'm so utterly sick of being sick & tired. i want to feel healthy again & have energy to go out & do stuff again.

i've decided that my game plan will be to go ahead as if i'm going to do this. go to the meeting, get set up with the nutritionist & all that jazz. & then work my hardest to work my BIG butt off. i will follow nutritional guidelines. give up booze. chocolate. all of that crap. workout three to five to seven times a week. do everything within my power to change things.

with that said, in a way, i've come to terms with the fact that no matter what i do on my own, it really may not be enough. i've been trying on my own since i was eleven. every year i vowed to change things. to work out & lose THE WEIGHT. & every time, year after year, i fail miserably. december is a very depressing time at my house. me, surrounded by cakes & cookies that my mother insists on baking, thinking back on the past year & all the things that i could have done to change me health & didn't do. & inevitably my hand reaches into the cookie bucket & i kinda go numb.

did i mention last year my mother made nine gallons full of cookies?! i am not exaggerating. nine kemps ice cream pails full to the top with peanut butter kisses, peanut butter bars, four cup cookies, ginger snaps, snicker doodles, sugar cookies. and all of it completely covering out kitchen table, some buckets stacked on top of each other. & then there was the two pounds of baklava ordered from swiss colony, and the petite fours, & the christmas candy filling every dish in our living room. have i mentioned that my mother is a diabetic? no, i guess i didn't.

wtf mate, right? no wonder i haven't a snow balls chance in hades of doing this on my own. with family like that, who needs enemies??

i do love my family, but i feel like they're out to sabotage me on this whole thing. sometimes i don't even feel like jack is 100% on my side. when i'm trying to be really good he'll say how he wants to get some take out, & wouldn't burger king be really good right now? or i'll want him to go for a walk with me & the puppy when i get home from work & he doesn't want to just then but maybe later on (which never happens).

yes, i know, being totally an externalist at this moment & blaming everyone but myself for my being a fattie. but trust me gang, i've got enough guilt & shame on that one to satisfy an entire weight watchers meeting.

i just want some help. i need some help in order to do this. i don't want my kids to be fat. it's not a good way to spend a childhood. & i don't want my kids to know ME fat. i don't want them to be ashamed 'cause their mommy is bigger than all the other mommies. because kids point & laugh & call me names when i'm not there. this isn't a battle that anyone else should have to fight for me.

state of mind: pensive
music: just my own resilient click-clack-keystrokes

yeah, so that didn't last long

i'll write more later. but i'm so upset right now. i tried on my dress last night, & i was so excited & hopeful & my mom just sat there looking at me with this scowl on my face like i was the most worthless piece of trash on planet earth. the entire time we were there she didn't smile once. not once did she say "oh, honey, you look beautiful. you look just like a princess." all she came up with was, "yeah, it's different. i guess bold is a good word to describe it."

last year she gushed when i tried on white wedding gowns.

this one, the gown of MY dreams, she shunned.

i cried myself to sleep last night.

happy happy joy joy

EEK! ok, i'm beside myself. here a beckah there a beckah everywhere a beckah beckah.

just got a call from the bridal shop & my wedding dress is in! i ordered it all the way back in april & they said it would most likely take a solid six months for it to get it. luckily it's here a whole month early! it's really great news because i'm so neurotic that i would've been panicking if i wouldn't've had it by the end of this year even though the wedding isn't until next july. the only bummer part of it is that when i ordered it my measurements were between three sizes, & being a vain person (my chinese zodiac sign IS the snake after all) i ordered the smallest of the three. so i'm nervous that it may be pretty snug right now.

the good thing in all of it is that i do still have quite a while before my wedding, a whole eight months plus some change! so i guess i'm not too worried, but definitely time to put this fanny in gear! i got a pedometer at work today. they were doing something for charity & they had pedometer's that you could get for a $5 donation. so i picked up one. it's neat, it had a clock, you put in your stride length so it accurately measures the miles walked & you can also have it play music when you're using it, & the faster you walk/run, the faster the music goes. super cool. & i also set up a diary on fitday.com to help me keep track of what i'm eating. the site is nice because if you have the nutrition info on your food you can enter it in & create your custom list so that you aren't guessing at the information. i will say, the bad thing about fitday is that they don't have a lot of activity choices, so that's a bummer. but i'm using it mostly for the food diary portion.

today i'm actually working the early shift at work, 7am-3:30pm instead of my usual 11:30am-8pm, so i'll be going grocery shopping tonight with my mom & then heading over to the bridal shop to see my dress! i will try it on of course. now it's all kind of seeming real, for the first time.

now, my lovely readers, i'm sure that some of you are wondering what my dress looks like. & i would love to give you a link, or put a picture up, but i'm trying to keep it secret from my beloved. what i can tell you is it's a strapless ball gown with a sweetheart neckline with crystals, it is NOT white, ivory, or any kind of pastel. it is a bold dress to match my personality. it will also look smashing with my pale skin & my dark reddish brown hair. i will be one smokin' hot sexy vixen of a bride. jack & i will make quite a couple that day, his tux is a zoot suit. & yes, he will be wearing a fedora, the long gold chain, & two tone shoes. his groomsmen will also be wearing the zoot suits, & my girls will be in spaghetti strap black tea length dresses, the specific style as of yet to be determined.

i'm so excited & nervous & just ready to quite literally bounce off the walls of my cube. & i think that jenn may be ready to smack me. she's been in the office for about twenty minutes & already she gave me that look that tells me that i'm being way too excited about this & could i please just settle?

so, prayers, good thoughts, & all of that would be most appreciated right now as i once again try to do this wicked tough journey we call weight loss.

words of wisdom

"you don't have to run the fastest, just faster than whoever you're with"

that was what jenn said to me this morning when we pulled into the parking lot at work. she then smirked. yes gang, she smirked. now, not being one to back down from a verbal sparring, i responded that my goal was to then be able to run faster than her. so there.

to be fair, this wasn't out of the blue, it was prompted by the fact that i established a new parking spot for us. at the exact other end of the parking lot from the door to the building, right in front of the security box. yeah, then again, if someone's about to attack me & my choices are a) hit the button for security or b) get in my car & run his punk ass over, hmmm, let me think on it, this is a tough one. . . .yeah, i'd pick b & totally turn the attacker into road tar-tar.

yes yes, i understand the skepticism, i've claimed motivation & dedication several time since starting this blog in may! here's the thing. i really think losing weight & keeping it off is the hardest thing i've ever done, or will ever do, in my entire life. i have friends who are smokers & say that losing weight is tougher than quitting smoking. i myself struggled with alcoholism, & this is worse than that. i know someone who used to be a heroin addict, & he claims that it was easier to give up heroin than to lose weight. this all goes back to the issue of with booze & dope you don't actually need those to live.

let me tell you, pre surgery josh lost 20 lbs on the liquid diet his surgeon prescribed. basically it was like slim fast, except instead of a sensible dinner he had another shake. or a yogurt smoothie. basically it was an all liquid diet. lots of water, nothing actually chewable. after seeing those results i have to admit that it's tempting to try the all liquid diet just to see how it would work for me. then again, now that he's post-op josh is on a diet that consists of one to two bites at a time. if i was only eating two bites of cottage cheese per meal you can bet your sweet biscuits that my ass would be rapidly shrinking.

which brings up the issue of will power. i stumbled across a blog called almost gastric bypass. the basic story is that this guy got ahold of a copy of the prescribed diet for gastric bypass patients & followed it exactly to the letter. that along with exercise & he's lost a massive amount of weight, about 130 lbs in a year. yeah, phenomenal. if you link the blog he has kind of fallen off the wagon, & regained some weight, but he's trying again to follow the diet & re-lose the 30 lbs & some more weight on top of that. now, i have to say, major kudos to this guy, that's a freakin hard thing to do, follow that diet on sheer will power alone. i know that gastric bypass patients can have very serious problems if they don't follow their doctor's post op orders, things all the way up to death can be the result. so at least they have that additional push to stick to their diet. this guy i just going on his own inner strength.

i've heard people say that fat people have no will power at all & they're fat because they're weak. i would like to say, oh contraire mon frere, fat people have lots of will power & inner strength. anyone who keeps trying to diet, again & again, even after they fail time & again, man, that's someone with fortitude, with moxie, with hutzpuh! now of course i don't want to remain chunky for the rest of my life, but it isn't all about will power, or lack there of. there's more psychology to all of it, at least in my case. it's almost like being fat is a lechorous cancer that has bored it's way into every part of my life & who i am. i feel like the fat is separate than me, kind of like a life sucking leech that's attached itself to me, with long tentacles that have wound themselves into my body & around every tendon, bone, ligament, weaving through my ribs & burrowing their way into my heart, climbing my spinal column vertebra by vertebra & slithering into the core of my brain, wrapping it in in thick dripping cords of fat. & it feels almost like there's nothing that can be done. literally like when a doctor finds that tumor, but finds it too late.

but then again. when i was in fifth grade, so i was probably ten years old, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. my mother came into my sister & i's room where we were tucked into our four poster full size bed. she knelt down & said in a very calm, low voice, that grandpa was sick, the doctor told him that he had cancer & didn't have very long to live. she then grasped our hands tight, one of mine & one of my sister's, & said that we should say an extra strong prayer that night and ask jesus to help grandpa. though she didn't articulate it, even at ten i knew that if his only chance was our prayers, it meant the cancer was bad. & it was bad. the oncologist basically told him to go home & die, that modern medicine had nothing to offer to a grown-up boy from rural nebraska, former farmer, father of eight, grandfather of seven.

he didn't go home & give-up. my grandpa lived another ten years past those six months the doctor gave him. he investigated homeopathic remedies, my grandmother took up massage therapy & every night worked on his feet. he walked & took shark cartalidge supplements. he was there to see me win a math award & get my name on a plaque at murray junior high, to see the birth of the rest of his grand children, for my high school graduation & acceptance into hamline, to see all of us grow-up just a little bit more. & in the end, it was only the last six months that were really bad, but he was able to fight off his parasite for a while, to claim the life that he wanted to live. he had a good last ten years. & i think there's a lesson in there for me.

one day, a good four or five years pre-cancer diagnosis, my grandpa & i were walking along, i was holding his hand, & i stopped to pick up a penny. he asked me why i would bother to stop & pick up a penny, it wasn't much money at all. to which i replied, "pennies add up to nickels, & that adds up to dimes, & that adds up to quarters, & you wouldn't throw away a quarter, would you grandpa?" & in so much as every little bit helps, whether it's one more penny in my bank account or one more ounce gone from my body, it really is the baby steps that make the biggest change. i mean, what else did we learn from bob? & seriously, what about bob?