thought of the week: december 30th, 2007-january 5th, 2008

i'll say it straight and plain, i know i've made mistakes, i've always been afraid, i've always been afraid . . . can you tell me, you say that love goes anywhere, in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
~jimmy eat world, polaris, futures

so, if you look up the whole set of lyrics, this is a kind of sad song, but there is something beautiful & poignant. & i've been listening to it repeatedly over the last few days or so, & so what better lyrics to end one year & begin the next?

& it's true. i've made lots of mistakes. & i have been afraid, of SO fucking many things, it's semi pathetic when i think back. BUT here's the pay off gang: my past doesn't predict my future. & i'm not afraid anymore. isn't that grand?

& i know that i'm loved. i'm cherished. that there are at least four people on earth who would literally give their lives for mine because they love me that much. & ya know what, that is a pretty fucking cool place to be.

it can be hard in those super dark times to always remember that kind of love is there. but, i'm very fortunate in that i have family that loves me deeply. but even more fortunate that i have friends that feel the same way. i take it for granted that everyone has that kind of love & support in their lives. & i'm trying very hard not to take it for granted anymore.

so i've made my mistakes. & i'll make more. because that's the way this game is played. it's how you learn the rules & how you get better. but i'm not afraid anymore. & that's the best part.

so happy new year everyone. stay safe. be as good (or as bad) as you want.

much affection, beckah

2007 goals: revisited

with 2007 coming to a close it's time to revisit the goals i set out at the *almost* beginning of the year. on january 1st i'm going to post my 2008 goals. i liked the categories of the goals for this year. i liked the fact that there were five & they all started with the letter f. i think i'm even going to keep the same categories for 2008, but obviously not the exact same goals. new year, new goals, right? right. & some of these, like the push ups under fitness, are already on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. so in a way it almost feels a bit like double dipping for using them in more than one place.

i'm also going to do my best to pick things that i want to do, but that are also attainable & meaningful to me. i think too often new year's resolutions are created just so that we can later break them & feel guilty about it. i may even limit myself to just three goals per category so that i can make sure that these are things that i can focus a lot of time and energy on in the next year.

fitness
~work out an average of 4 days/week for 60+min/day
i was doing excellent at the working out for a damn long time, then kind of lost my steam/my focus/my dedication. but i've been missing it so much lately that i am getting back to it & fitness is going to be at the top of my 2008 goals.

~be able to do 10 real push ups
not even close, not even gonna lie about it. but, tomorrow is another day. & tuesday is another YEAR. so i'll get this one onto my 2008 list.

~run for five minutes without dying
i think i came kinda close to this one when i was heavy into the jogging before i got the bronchitis in september. damn you bronchitis! *waving an angry fist* but once again, i KNOW i can do this in 2008.

~by year's end be able to do firm videos without dying
let's see. last time i did a firm video was. was. uh, um, can't recall? so i'll say no go on this one too.

~increase flexibility (for use in "fun" category)
i am more bendy now than i was a year ago. not as bendy as i'd like. but pretty dang bendy regardless.

finance
~pay off at least two of my credit cards
this is still a work in progress, but i'm miles ahead of where i was last year this time. so i'll keep trucking on it. i've also decided for 2008 that i hate shopping. please remind me of this if i tell you to the contrary.

~put money into my savings with every check
i did actually do this one religiously & i'm pretty pleased with myself about it. & i even most of the time put the money in my CD & not just my savings. my bank has a CD called a reward CD that you start with just $100 & then you can add to it. a lower interest rate than a traditional CD, but a great way to save money!

future
~finish my novel
no, not finished. but i've made a great deal of progress on it, most of that within the last four months. so i know i'll be all done with it very very soon.

~finish revising my poetry book
one again. nope. but this WILL be done in '08 because i plan on graduating a year from now.

~submit to at least 5 publications this year
uh, yeah. submitted to none. but, i'm not down on myself about it because sometimes there are things that just take more time. & while i have a ton of confidence in myself, in my writing, i'm still somewhat a tidge intimidated by the submission process. but i'll get over that by april 1st, 2008. why april 1st 2008 you say? because that's one third through the new year. & i'm a math geek & i like it.

fun
~get my 3rd tattoo
yup yup yup. june 15th, my 30th birthday, my 3rd tattoo was born of ink, sunburn, and a smidge of blood on my right upper arm.

~party like it's 1999 for my 30th
on my actual birthday i had sushi with dev & whit, wimpered from a sunburn, had sparkling cider & ice cream cake. the next day i DID party like it was 1999 at mr. floppy's flophouse with dev, mike, & whit and some absinthe. woot. so yeah, i did this one too.

~enjoy the last of my 20's & the start of my 30's
i really have enjoyed the end of my 20's start of my 30's. for all the ups & downs this past year has had for me, i really did enjoy it.

~end the year with ZERO regrets
there are things i would rather not have happened because they were not so fabulous. but i won't say i have any real regrets. because everything that i experienced has brought me to who i am at this exact moment. & i really like me. & i think everything that has happened this year has brought me greater knowledge, wisdom, & the ability to be a better person.

focus
~work up to meditating 5 times a week by years end
i am not formally meditating at all right now. but, i think when it comes to clearing my mind, my mental/emotional space, & taking inventory i am in a lot better place than i was in the beginning of 2007. but this is also a great thing for me to keep working on too.

101 list: 1 year later

here's an update to the list i posted one year ago today. i've completed some things since my last update. i'm still optimistic that i can get the rest of this done before my 1001 days are up. i've only used 365 so far, just a bit over a third :)

now, since 2008 has 366 days, one year from now i'll be at 731. so i've also gone through & put a little * in front of the ones that i know i want to complete by this time next year. i've got 26 down as the top ones i want to complete withing a year from today. i didn't include any of the travel ones, but i do want to travel in '08.

the tally is:
9 completed
2 unable to be completed
4 pending completion upon further examination

i did not do too well in 2007 on this list. BUT, i did get some stuff done, & 1 year later i haven't forgotten about this list, which i think is a pretty wicked cool accomplishment.

*1 learn to play the guitar
2 re-learn french
*3 finish my novel
*4 finish my poetry book
*5 graduate with my mfa
6 see disney world
7 go to ireland
8 get my third tattoo (completed june 15, 2007: abbae my green faerie)
9 pierce my belly button
10 pierce my upper ears (pierced the tragus on both ears, 10.31.07, i'll call this one complete for now)
11 bungee jump
12 sky dive
*13 snowboard
*14 weigh less than 200lbs
15 learn to drive a stick (bought manual tranny car 10.11.07, can drive said car, complete)
16 fly first class (completed 6.13.07 msp to sfo)
*17 get out of credit card debt
18 buy a house
19 visit seattle
20 become a sophmore burner
*21 learn to swim
*22 get my passport
23 become an expert at reading tarot
24 complete the breast cancer 3 day
25 visit vermont (completed 12/30-31/06)
26 go to canada(completed 12/31/06-1/1/07)
*27 go roller blading again
28 visit & return from mexico
29 write a song
30 see the salt flats in utah
31 have a spa weekend
32 finish my bartending classes
33 make a quilt entirely by hand (made a quilt for my cousin adam's son riley, completed august '07)
34 celebrate mardi gras in new orleans
*35 go skiing
36 go to italy
*37 make my own candles
38 take swing dancing lessons
39 go scuba diving
40 get my 4th tattoo
41 get my 5th tattoo
42 go to the garlic festival in gilroy, ca
43 enter the pillsbury bake-off
45 make my own spaghetti sauce from scratch
46 spend a week in alaska
*47 complete NaNoWriMo (@ least 50k words)
48 pull taffy
49 spend a year being selfish (on jan 1 '08 i'm going to take a look at this past year, i'm leaning towards calling this complete)
50 learn another language (other than french)
51 do a past life regression
52 have at least one end game character on WoW (completed 1/14/07)
53 practice palmistry
54 play in the ocean
55 see new york city (not by plane)
56 go the grand canyon
57 tour hoover damn
*58 invent a cocktail
*59 try a REAL martini (not-a-freakin-fru-fru-it-ends-in-tini-so-it's-a-martini)
*60 find my spirituality
*61 become ambidextrous
62 run for more than a minute (i have done this several times pre-bronchitis at the Y, but my run is like someone else's leisurely jog, so i almost don't want to call this complete yet)
63 become lost
64 find myself
65 finish my james dean collage
*66 read "the inferno"
*67 write a fan letter to stephen king
*68 write a thank you letter to stephen thayor
69 send my mom flowers for no reason (completed 02/27/2007)
*70 take my dad to a movie for no reason
*71 surprise my grandma with lunch/dinner
*72 get up to enjoy the sunrise
*73 watch the sunset
74 get to at least 30 states on my list
75 go to hawaii
*76 make home made chili
77 rollar blade around lake phalen
78 win a game of cribbage against jenn-jenn (i did win a game of cribbage, but jenn said it didn't count because it was on a travel board. what do you think dear blog readers: does a travel board count? i'm thinking yes)
79 drive to california
80 dance on myrtle beach
81 make my parents proud of me (12.30.07 OK, so they CLAIM they're already & have always been proud of me. so i'm not sure what i'm waiting for to cross this one off)
*82 forgive grandma ginger
83 talk to my dad about vietnam
84 go to the top of the empire state building
85 have my dad teach me glass etching
86 make kuchen with my mom
87 have matt teach me how to change the oil in a car
88 help matt restore my dad's mustang
89 save $5,000 & keep it in the bank
90 write my dad's story
91 learn to lucid dream
92 create a garlic recipe to enter in the gilroy festival
93 take a photography class
94 become a pool shark (ok, reasonably good at pool will suffice)
95make a new year's resolution that i stick with for one whole year
96 go to a wild game with my dad
97 see a cirque de solel performance
98 interview grandpa caruso for a west 7th street book (sadly my grandpa caruso died this past spring so there is no way i can complete this item)
99 do 10 real push-ups without dying
100 let myself write at least 30 minutes a day
101 finish this entire list in 1001 days (because of my grandfather's death i will not be able to complete all 101 items. as of 12.30.07 i can still complete 99 of them)

busted out at the Y

~note: this blog was started on december 11, 2007~

jenn & i were at the Y tonight, & yes, it's been a while since we've been there, since, obviously, there's been a lack of blogging about. (right before i got promoted so did jenn. & with promotion comes extra responsibilities & longer work hours & less time to go stare at pretty boys, i mean, workout).

so we were back at the gym tonight & it was packed, which was annoying. but we did half an hour on the machines that are like a gazelle, i have no idea what the name is, probably some kind of cross trainer. then as a cool down before we left we did a half mile walk around the track.

when we got done on the track we were just leaving when we heard a voice say "hey, where have you been?"

busted.

it was holly, the girl who teaches the boot camp classes & helps with the friday night kick box d'oh classes.

so jenn & i basically stammered & stuttered & somehow explained the past few months with my bronchitis, her promotion, my promotion, & all the adjusting that new jobs require. yeah, it was lame, but we didn't have to drop & do any push ups right then, so that was good.

by the time we left jenn wound up promising we'd be at the tuesday night as well as the saturday morning boot camp classes. d'oh! & not as in kick box. not that i'm opposed to hard work, because i'm not in anyway, but i had been struggling at the boot camp classes & that was before i'd taken a several month vacation from the gym. i do know that i need to make friends with my local Y once again. i always feel better when i work out.

thought of the week december 9-15th

~note: this blog was originally started on december 14th, 2007~

oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can I sail through the changing ocean tides can I handle the seasons of my life? mmm mmm I don’t know, mmm mmm. . . but time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too ~ stevie nicks landslide

this song has had a special place in my heart for oh, four years now? i went to a dixie chicks concert with tina in the summer of 2003, i want to say it was june, but i can't recall off hand. i just know that it was summer. & i think it was before my nephew was born. which would be june or early july. not like the exact month makes much difference. so it was at the concert that i realized that i was not at all at a good place in my life. i was still seeing TSSOB at the time, & i was not happy in the relationship or doing what i wanted to do with my life.

all of this hit me suddenly while at the concert during the dixie chicks rendition of "landslide." it's also been a song that i turn to time after time when i need a soundtrack to think. something to help me focus as my thoughts swirl around me like a F5 tornado. this song is the thing that helps ground me & gives me something to hold onto.

so this song has come up again recently for me. i've been listening to it, the smashing pumpkins version mostly, & once again it helps me think. i'm not even sure where i'm going with this, except that once again i'm finding myself in that place of flux.

i'm also finding that life is very cyclical. i've recently started hanging out again with people that i first met back in 2004. not that i haven't had any contact with them since then, but we're just talking more now than we have since we first met. it's also sort of weird because of the changes that have happened in the past three years. so i'm finding myself in a similar place to where i was three years ago, but it's like i'm there with a better map of my surroundings.

santa baby: a letter to santa

dear santa,

i know it's the last minute, with you well on your way & christmas having arrived in other places around the world already, but i hope i'm not too late, & please, just keep in mind, this wish is just for some time in 2008. i'd appreciate sooner rather than later, but i know i can't be pushy.

my christmas wish is for a boy. a super crazy smart boy, who's beautiful to boot. someone who loves the fact that i'm a writer & is willing to support me in the insane venture of becoming published. if he's artistic that would be a wonderful surprise, especially if he's a writer too, but not at all necessary.

he needs to be loving, sympathetic, generous, honorable, loyal, passionate, sensual, & confident. he should be close to his family & his friends. & he understands that i'm close to my family & friends. he needs to have his own life & can't expect me to drop mine just because he requests it. he wants to be independent with me (if that makes any sense at all).

my christmas boy should love me, pamper me, worship me, but all well within the normal bounds expected by any princess. he thinks it's cute that i have enough ego for three people but he also knows that i am generous, loving, compassionate. he knows that i'm the first one there to help when any of my friends really needs me.

i want a boy with goals, with drive, with ambition coming out his ears. someone who strives to make something of himself, of his life. someone who is NOT content to be pastel. a boy who wants to go to burning man if he hasn't already, cares about the impact he's making on the environment, knows what trader joe's is & shops there. he buys organic because it tastes better. supports local businesses. he's like me: both a yuppie & a hippie (he's a yippie).

my boy likes to work out & thinks it would be great to go to the gym with me. he encourages me to try new activities & shows an interest in my hobbies. he likes the art museum & the science museum & traveling. but he also likes those lazy nights on occasion, curled up together on the couch watching a bad movie, or a good movie, or a really good/bad movie.

he wants to, one day, have kids, but not right away. & when, in the future, we have kids. he wants to raise them as i do: globally. our kids will have passports as babies. they'll be multilingual & understand that our country is just one little corner of the big world. our kids will be like us: bright, vibrant people, not in anyway pastel.

i don't expect a prince charming with no flaws. i just want someone who will compliment me. someone who i want to see morning after morning before either of us has brushed our teeth.
i want a boy who challenges me & makes me think. someone to curl up with & listen to the thunderstorms.

so santa, that's my christmas wish this year. in the past i've wished on every star, eyelash, and pinch of salt. picked out the fortunes without breaking the cookie. done it all, & decided it's time to go to the big guy on this wish. so i don't expect him naked under my christmas tree with a big red bow. while that would be lovely i think it'd freak the fuck right out of my parents & siblings. if you'd like to deliver him christmas day i'll sign by the X & accept the delivery, but i'll look for him later in the year.

thanks much,

beckah

ps: i left you pineapple juice & rum, help yourself to the leftovers in the fridge. i figure you've had enough cookies for one bloody night.

& this was

ok, not exactly, but close enough.

& yes, i do wanna be a gansta.

& no, i didn't do my tps reports.

bad day

& the play of the day goes to (language warning)

so, i'm going to preface this with there has been a lot of bullshit going on regarding my living situation. which i've not written about due to the fact that one of my roommates has my blog address. but. i've decided i am not going to stifle myself anymore.

& if i don't mention them by name in anyway, then why the fuck not write about the bullshit? it'll amuse someone, i'm sure. horrify others, but amuse at least some.

so, update: i have two roommates a boy & a girl. from here on known as b-r & g-r, for boy roommate & girl roommate, pretty obvious, then again, there are lots of pretty obvious things that need to be spelled out.

the bullshit revolves around g-r. (& for all of you curious about the boy drama: here's the cliff notes version) there have been a lot of little things that have made me shake my head & wonder out loud, more than once "what the fuck?" since i moved in here, but the thing that made me finally decide that things are completely & totally fucked & also completely irreparable is the boy situation.

i'll admit my boy free year wound up being more like nine months. but it was more than enough. so in september i started seeing a guy that i've been friends with for three years. we were dating & etc. one day both g-r & i happened to be home & she asked about the boy i'd been seeing, i foolishly showed her his online profile.

suddenly the two of them are flirting & IM-ing each other & becoming a little more involved than any girl should be with her roommate's boy, or any boy should be with the roommate of the girl he's dating. they both basically blamed the other one saying most of the culpability lay with the other party. (for the record i think they're both fucking lying & they're both more responsible than either will admit)

needless to say, not really seeing that boy anymore.

i was willing to write that off as a one time lapse in judgement on the part of g-r. & the boy was a huge flirt, so i could see him pushing things. & since i didn't have any delusions about keeping him around for a long term anything, i wasn't super broken up about it. i would have preferred to have more of a say in things, but, whatever.

SO. in the midst of all the bullshit with that boy going down, i was seeing another boy. who evidently g-r knew from online. according to her she didn't like him, he'd been pursuing her for years & she was horrified that he knew where she lived. she saw him leaving the apartment one day, but he didn't see her.

i took her at her word, once again, foolishly.

a few days after she saw second boy leaving the apartment he & i are talking & he says he can't see me anymore. he had no clue she was my roommate & he refused to step foot in my apartment again. he actually said it was best we not see each other at all. just cause i live with her. OH, and BTW: he mentions in passing she's talking shit about me behind my back.

i know.
i know.
i know.

& for all of you that have known me for years: yes, i did, & have thus far, resisted the urge to punch anyone in the face. i know. it is a fucking miracle.

so boy two wouldn't say what she said.

his story is she has been chasing him & he doesn't want anything to do with her. her story is the same but with him chasing her. once again, i don't completely believe either one.

but riddle me this, batman: now, how did the second boy know she was my roommate? because she fucking instant messaged him the second he left the apartment. (& she admitted this to me)

seriously. if there was someone you've been dodging for years, why would you instant message them the second they walked out of your apartment to tell them they were just in your apartment? that is completely illogical & asinine. so i'm more inclined to believe the boy on this one. because if my roommate brought someone home who creeped me out & i'd been dodging, i would tell them & ask them to not let that person know i live there.

yes, that is what anyone would do. you don't IM your creepy stalkerish boy & tell him "dude, you were just at my apartment."

i'm not even going to pretend that g-r & i are/were in anyway bestest buddies, but the whole boy drama basically assured that i will never be best buddies with her. it's just wrong on so many levels.

"so, beckah, after sitting on all of this information for two months, why suddenly go into it now?" very good question.

& this will seem bizarre to some: but the reason for tonight is all about the booze. i had an open bottle of tequila rose in the freezer. for anyone not familiar with this liquor, it's a cream based liquor. an open bottle needs to be kept cold (DUH). well i like to keep mine in the freezer. so i had it happily in the freezer chilling out until i wanted it.

tonight i was making dinner & i opened the freezer & noticed it was gone. & i don't deal well with people messing with my stuff. i happen to look up & the bottle is on top of the fridge. i feel it & it's fucking room temperature. which means the damn bottle has been out of the freezer for quite some time to lose all of the chill factor, because the thick black glass gets frosted when it's in the freezer.

how do i know it wasn't b-r? let's see: he's been gone for the majority of the past few weeks. & he has completely given up on attempting to use our freezer. & there was a package of frozen vegetables where my booze had been. hmmmm...yeah, that pretty much does add up to g-r.

SO, in addition to interfering with my social life, she's fucking with my booze. unacceptable.

i call: roommate foul, alcohol abuse, & intoxication interference.

ok, funniest frickin thing at work this WHOLE week!

i'm on my lunch break right now & i happened to stroll by miss jenn's desk after i heated up my lunch. the sad part about us both being promoted is there is not really a chance any more of us having lunch together. because i'm on lunch from noon-1pm each day, and while i'm on lunch she's primary back-up on my helpline. so yeah, that unequivocally sucks, but i'll get over that & it's not really relevant to the story at hand anyway.

 

so i bounced by her desk with my lunch (grilled chicken cordon bleu along with cheese stuffed spinach tortellini with spray butter & a diet coke to drink). i was thinking if she was free i'd spend my lunch hour visiting with her. as it turns out she had one of the newbie reps there & was helping her with an issue. so i said hi anyway & jenn was kind of craning her neck & peeking & trying to see what was in my tupperware. so i set it down on her desk and she says to me "don't set that down or i'll eat the WHOLE thing."

 

well, i don't listen, do i? nope, hardly never. (yes that's a double negative & i'm ok with that. but i still don't listen much :) )

 

so i open it up and tell her & the newbie what i have for lunch & i tell jenn i have extra of the pasta & the spray butter in the fridge if she wants some. she declines but then reaches in & grabs a tortellini, which i'm fine with. & the newbie is asking me to make jenn take a lunch & actually eat some food. the newbie & i agreed jenn really should be taking a lunch & eating real food & she says to us "i'm fine. that will hold me over."

 

to which the newbie responds "that will hold you over? who are you, kate moss?"

 

i did laugh pretty hard about that one & even gave the newbie a high five. good newbie.

 

IN OTHER NEWS: at work we're doing the weight loss competition again. i'm corralling fifteen people. YES, fifteen people. jesus effing bobby. we've got three levels of winners & we're doing this for twelve weeks. so check the farm people blog again, i'll be updating it once more. & once more i'm getting my butt handed to me. after week one i'm in 4th place. yeah, 4th of 15 isn't bad, but it's still not enough to get me into the big money! so i shouldn't be gnoshing on the tortellini either. . .or the popcorn i had for a morning snack. . .or the wine i had with dinner last night. . .or the dark chocolate m&m's i had yesterday afternoon. . .ok. . .i'm in 4th place for a good reason. but more on the farm people blog!

last night of class

so tonight was the last night of my class, how to write a suspenseful novel. i loved the class & i'm actually kinda bummed it's over, i really can't believe it's finished already. it really does seem like i just started the class.

when the class started i only knew one other person in the class, a guy that was in my class last spring, who is, simply awesome. he's a fabulous writer, funny as hell, & just kind of the sorta laid back guy that it's just fun to talk to. & he always has the most interesting point of view on, well, everything. not like i didn't like my other classmates, cause i really do/did. but sometimes it's nice to have that one familiar face. it's one less name for me to remember : )

everyone in class was/is so talented i would read their work from week to week & i was just simply gobsmacked. as far as genres go we had everything from romance to fantasy to young adult to mystery to everything in between. i'm not sure where i would put my book, somewhere in th middle maybe?

one of my goals for the class was to finish my current novel to determine if i was going to do a thesis with concentrations in both fiction and poetry, or drop the fiction piece. basically i put the assignment on myself that i had to finish my novel by the end of this semester/calendar year in order to be able to finish thesis with both. i had the notion that if i didn't finish the novel by the end of this class i never would.

well. WELL. yeah, not so much finished. but i feel pretty damn good about it. which is a damn sight better than i was feeling back in september about this whole thing. so i'm not giving up on my novel, just yet. the class helped me get a really clear vision of what i want/need to happen. i also found out a lot about my character that i didn't know at the start of class (some day i'll write a blog: inside the mind of a writer. . . but for now i would rather stay outside a mental ward & unmedicated, thank you very much!).

i actually feel, just a wee bit, at peace with my writing right now. it's a good place.

the girl who knows it all

on friday october 12th the official word went out at work that i was given the newest QA (quality assurance) position at work. so i went from being a phone rep to being a QA. now instead of just being the girl who thinks she knows it all, they've officially made me the girl who really does know it all.

yeah.

SCARY.

don't get me wrong, it's awesome, but frightening at the same time too. i started my new position monday november 5th, so i've been doing it for about a month now. & so far so good.

basically being a QA involves two main components: doing call evaluations & manning a helpline. my helpline just officially opened last week, so i haven't been doing that too long. i'm the only QA for a select group of reps, so i have a separate helpline from the other QAs. yeah, no pressure there ; )

as for the evaluations, those are pretty easy to do. in a way it's a lot like when i was teaching. we have a rubric that phone reps are given that tells them what they need to do in order for the call to be perfect, just like when i was a teacher i gave my students rubrics letting them know what they had to do on their paper/project to get a perfect score. in theory everyone could always get perfect scores. doesn't happen, but in theory.

there are a couple things that i really love about my new job: i'm salaried so i have more flexibility in my hours & i like the fact that i'm able to help other reps with their issues. i like not being tied to a phone for every second of my day (just my helpline hours). i also like being able to help the other reps become more knowledgeable. i also get to help in the training classes with the newbies. which is really uber awesome.


so, as far as my work goes, that's the latest 411 from beckah world. exciting stuff, eh? i'll update on the other stuff soon. three blogs for one day is a lot :)

thought of the week: october 14-20 (late entry)

i've been away for so long (so long), i let you go for so long, it's a nice day to start again (come on), it's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again, (pick it up), take me back home, there is nothin' fair in this world, there is nothin' safe in this world, and there is nothin' sure in this world, and there is nothin' pure in this world, look for something left in this world, start again, come on

billy idol, white wedding

so, my older sister paulette got married on saturday october 20th in litchfield, connecticut. i was there along with my parents. some of paulette's family from her mother's side was there also, two of her aunts, two of her uncles, & her cousin. (for those not up to date on the beckah geneology, paulette has a different mom than i do, she's my dad's youngest daughter from his first marriage). it was a really beautiful wedding at a gorgeous location with lots of great food, free wine tastings, & lots of swag. you have to love east coast weddings.

i picked this quote for two reasons: the first being that paulette's older sister used to tell her that she always thought of paulette when she heard this song (they really WERE children of the 80's, paulette 7 years older than me & her sister 9 years older). the second reason is that when reading the lyrics they seemed oddly appropriate. & here are the reasons why, lyric line by lyric line:

~i've been away for so long (so long)

true story. when i pulled into paulette's driveway on wednesday the 17th it had been over four years since i'd seen her. the last time i had been out east to see her was right after her son died (the one who inspired my dragonfly tattoo)

~i let you go for so long

once again. true story. non fiction. i had let go of her. i was too wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, &, in a way, i feel guilty because i wonder if i did abandon her when she needed me the most. it's not like i came back to mn in the fall of 2003 & never called her again, cause i did call her. but while i was dealing with breaking up with TSSOB, redefining my life & bridesmaid-ing for tina, paulette was left with an empty house & her own SOB (logan's daddy was not nice). & eventually, over the months, she moved & i couldn't find her. i had to wait for her to get in touch with me. we actually didn't talk for probably well over a year, almost two years actually. & that makes me sad. really frickin sad. i missed her.

~it's a nice day to start again

& once again: true true story. it was a gorgeous day in connecticut on satruday the 20th. it started off a wee bit over cast, a little gloomy, but that didn't last long. she had an evening wedding & by the time it was time for her to leave the house the weather was perfect. gorgeous fall colors everywhere we looked. the sky was clear with just a few poofy little clouds. & on the way to the vineyard for the wedding i actually saw a rainbow. & not just a faint section, but we could see the whole rainbow over litchfield. wicked cool.

~take me back home
now, i'm not delusional, & i know paulette will never move back home to minnesota, but there's something about seeing her again that feels like home. i won't pretend that she & i were extremely close when i was growing up, 'cause we weren't. she is 7 years older than me, which can be a big age difference when it's 7 and 14. there were other mitigating circumstances too. but the point is, going to see her, be there for her wedding, it's taking me back to an emotional home, that i've really missed.

~there is nothin' sure in this world, there is nothin' pure in this world
ok, pessimistic view, thanks billy, but it's also kind of true. there isn't really much that you can count on besides yourself. friends & family will, usually if they're worth a damn, will do their best to do right by you, i mean, they won't deliberately screw you, once again, if they're worth anything as friends/family. now this has less to do with paulette & her wedding & more to do with me in general in my life. & i'm sure i'll go into this more in an upcoming post: but people in general can be major asses. & i've recently learned the hard way to keep more to myself & to not trust people further than i can throw them. & i can't throw most mother fuckers very far.

~look for something left in this world, start again
& this is what i'm trying to do. i think it's what we're all trying to do in a way. & there's not really much more i want to say at this point about this.

so, we'll call this done.

the oddest damn case of insomnia

so gang, i've been suffering from the oddest case of insomnia. for the past couple of days i haven't slept a single night straight through.

it started this past week, it was wednesday night, well, technically thursday morning. i work up thursday at a little before 5am. for no reason. no alarm, nothing. just dead asleep one second & then the widest of wide awake the next.

my first reaction, while staring at my ceiling in the dark was:
FUCK!
FUUUUCK!

I got up, went to the bathroom, crawled back into bed, curled up in the most comfiest bed in the world, and tried to go back to sleep.

NO DICE.

so i did what any insane girl living in minnesota would do at 5 in the morning when she can't sleep: i packed my bag for work, got dressed, went to the Y for an early morning workout, and then went to work.

of course.

my sleep has been pretty fragmented since then. i've been sleeping in small few hour at a time segments since then. saturday morning i woke up somewhere around 4:30-ish am, ok, PARTLY cause a boy from OZ (australia) called me & hung up after like a nanosecond cause he thought i was asleep. but even without that call, i would have been up much earlier than i intended.

& now, i'm typing this at almost half past five am. i've been awake for about an hour and a half. for no good reason. just am.

what do we say boys & girls?

yup:

FUUCK!

this sucks.

maybe it's the universe's way of telling me to use the quiet morning hours to work out? or better yet, write?

so if you're bored at 4:30am. call me. i'm probably awake already.

yes, i am bragging

so, i am posting this blog from the group home via my iphone. i won't post like this very often cause touch screen typing can take me a while. but had to try it & see if I could & i can & that makes me a happy panda!

bring the boys to the cities!

attention everyone!

number one fan is doing a farewell tour & to get them to come to the twin cites we need to request them! so please, click the link & bring the boys here. these guys are phenomenal. look them up on myspace or go out & buy their cd!

OKAY!

so i'm super freaking lame.

i've come to terms with this.

i know it was BEFORE my sister's wedding that i wrote anything substantial. & i feel i need to do so soon, i miss my blog, & i think my blog misses me.

here's the cliff notes version of my life in the last month:
~got a new car
~got promoted at work
~went to ct for my sister's wedding
~had lots of family drama in ct
~had LOTS OF BOY DRAMA back home in mn
~started nanowrimo

doesn't seem like much when i type it all out like that. but it's been very all consuming. i am still planning on doing my thought of the week segments. & plan on catching up on the past ones. how many is it now? one million? *winks* but. i miss blogging. a lot.

so harass me with comments when i get lazy.

is anyone still out there?

bueller?

bueller?

more work inappropriateness

once again, i /heart my friends! this was created for me by a friend who's moving on to a new job *tear* but she wanted to leave a little something to remember her by. & YES, once again, my friends are so work inappropriate, but i LOVE them for it!

now. there is a story as to why she drew me a pole dancing snow person. my new cube has a big frickin pole between my cube & my neighbor's cube, so we've been nicknamed the pole dancers of the team. awesome, eh? &, then there's the fact that i do have a pink feather boa in my cube just because, well, it's fun.

& YES, that is a snow man waving a dollar bill down in the "pit" for our lady in pink. . . ever seen a snow person in fishnets before?

this says it all, yo

my friends are wholly inappropriate, even at work,
which is why we get along so well.

with that said: this pretty well sums up my life right now.

interpret that however you will.

i know i do.

happy halloween!

i hope everyone had a great halloween. i wasn't able to post yesterday, but here's some pics of me in my costume & then me with my new ear piercing. cheers!

thought of the week: october 28-november 3

and i say oh...seems like i'm always on my own, seems like i'm never coming home, seems like i'm always on my...ohhhhhhh, all the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...
~augustana, stars and boulevards, all the stars and boulevards

there are some days that end & i think to myself, that i really wish i could get a do over because i feel that i didn't do myself right by the end of it. today, is one of those days. ok, well, maybe not TECHNICALLY today, cause it's technically 4am on sunday & i haven't really done enough to royally fuck up the day.

but saturday. for saturday i wish i could have a do over.

not that anything significant really happened: good or bad. but i just got home & realized that when all was said & done, the checks measured against the balances, everything weighed out & measured: i really did myself a disservice. the exact details are not even really that important, so i won't even mention them, but the general tone & over arching path of the night are what is the important part. & what happened was, once again, in the end i acquiesced to someone else's wishes & gave up too easily on what i wanted to do, what was the best for me.

like i said previously, nothing bad happened, nothing good either. but i don't feel good about the path of the events of my night. i allowed myself to be persuaded from my plans to do something that, in the end, was not nearly as enjoyable or satisfying, to my mind, as what i could have been doing. of course, i can't say for certain that things would have been better had i stuck to my original plans, but i do feel i wouldn't have this feeling of discontent with myself.

how does augustana & the above lyrics fit in? there are a couple of ways the lyrics fit into this rambling rant. for one, the first actually, is that i was sitting curled up in bed with my lappy & that song was playing on my ipod. & i caught those lyrics as i was listening to my ipod & the tone of the song & the lyrics peaked my attention & i realized the song is doing a great job of mimicking my emotional & mental state right now.

i just suddenly realized how disappointed i am for not following through on my original plan, what i wanted to do, & letting myself be taken along on this ride. & i also realized for me, it's not just the big battles, but the everyday small ones that actually seem to matter the most. & it's those small little issues daily, or every other day, or how ever often they happen, that are the things that will shape the arch of my life the most.

jenn was right when she texted me earlier: i was "not happy" tonight. it's not that i was sad per se, or depressed, or even upset; but i was not happy either. i was at that point where i was not happy, but not really anything else either. a sort of emotional limbo zone. partly because there was something in my brain that knew i would not be ok by the end of the night if i continued on with the way things were, but the feeling wasn't well formed enough for me to vocalize it to jenn, much less to my self.

it's the small things i need to stand up for.

getting glimpses of my home, but i just can't quite get there. it's like which brings me to the second reason for the lyric choice for today's writing. coming home is not just a physical place. it's a mental & emotional state of being. & lately i do feel that i'm on a track & i roll through my home town, but something keeps preventing me from getting off the train, so i see home, i'm there for a moment, & then i'm rolling through it, away from it, having to wait to circle around again to try to hop off the train & finally go home for good.

i guess that's progress, a bit anyway, to start to identify my problem. according to AA, (from what i've been told anyway, i'm not actually in AA), the first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one. this is nothing new either. just different packaging on the same thoughts. except, previously the lament had been mn beckah vs cali beckah, so in a way it's much simpler now. as sinead put it in her comments to me on a previous blog: i've always been both of those people, they're the same person, just different facets, & i'm both all the time always. which means, even while i'm not being true to myself, on nights like tonight, i still have that stubborn girl inside me who is standing with her feet planted, eyes steady & serious, saying: NO, i will do what i want, i will do what's best for me, & you can fuck off if you try to interfere.

this is NOT to say that i am opposed to compromise, because i'm not in anyway opposed to a little give & take. when it's appropriate for the situation. but i can't always be the one to give on what i want. if i am always going to bend the most on my opinions, feelings, plans, everything, then i may have well stayed with TSSOB & i know that's not a place that i would have been ok. i'm smart enough that usually i can tell what issues are worth dying for (to quote my mother).

each day is a new chance to turn it all around again, right? right. so i'm going to bed now, for a while. then, when i wake up. it's my new chance, once again. & i'll keep reminding myself, through every action of my day, that i need to be good to myself & put myself first. because, gods know, if i don't put myself first, no one else is going to. just the rules of the game, fats. & ya can't win the game if ya don't know the rules of the game.

a wee quick note

i am currently in connecticut, my older sister got married yesterday. now that the wedding is over i'm hoping to post two thoughts of the week later today & get back to blogging. this has been one long strange trip this week.

oi.

& i /heart my friends because:

~going through my email tonight at work & i found the following message from miss april & it seems so appropriate, just had to share, this was in response to this blog posting (& yes, i do realize lately i've been spinning around the same few topics. i'll try to be more well rounded & whine about being fat more often)~



Yep.


I don’t really know how to respond to your post! *l*


It sounds like you want to be this person who


You were when you were coming back from the Playa, and


You’re stuck being MN Beckah. Seriously? You keep


Approaching this theme in your blogs…and you keep


Outlining plans of attack (YAY!!) but again, it’s like the


Same conversation you keep having with Kat and John…


It’s not going too far ….


Be selfish and cling to your alone time to write and ponder


Those wondrous ideas and thoughts I know you have. Make some


Headway with your goals. :-) You’ll feel better.


Goal 1) Work


Goal 2) Work Out


Goal 3) Write


Goal 4) Travel!


Simplify the way you live your life. :-)

thought of the week: october 7-13

hey now now, don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
~counting crows, big yellow taxi

i heard this song this morning & i've always loved it, even though it's kind of sad, despite the upbeat tempo. for all of you that have heard it before i'm pretty sure you're humming it now, right? i'm right, aren't i?



the reason i've picked this song is that while it's not outwardly deep, ie jimmy eat world or some of the other lyrics i've been posting recently, it does make me think, which is always a good thing. & this is something that seems to be fairly prevalent at times, taking away the beautiful & replacing it with something more utilitarian, more ugly, with a whole lot less soul. near my parents' house recently several wooded areas have been bulldozed & replaced with town homes stacked upon each other. changing the face of st. paul, one block at a time from a city full of neighborhoods to house upon house upon house with no green space.


it's not that i'm against progress, because, really i'm not. but sometimes we each need to identify the things in our lives that speak the truest to us, the most beautiful, the most sacred, the things that we are absolutely unwilling to part with at any cost. & when we find those, we need to shield them, shelter them, protect them at any cost. & that's where i find myself at this exact moment.


i'm back in class right now. my very LAST in classroom class for my master's degree. i know i've thought that before, probably even said it, but this really is it. after this i won't take another one. this is the do or die moment for me. i'm taking a class called writing the suspenseful novel. by the time the class ends in december i will have made a decision. i will either a: give up the idea of doing two thesi* (one in poetry & one in fiction) & come to terms with the fact that i am not superwoman & settle for an mfa with just a poetry book or b: i'll have enough progress done on my novel to finish it up & go ahead with the insane plan on writing & defending two thesi. i've been told by plenty of people, miss sinead the loudest (with lots of love of course) to quit messing around & finish the damn degree already. & i really want to. finally. i'm ready to be done with school.


but, this isn't about school. it isn't even about being in a holding pattern. it's about me. beckah. beckah the good little worker in her cube. beckah the writer. beckah the sister. beckah the daughter. beckah the friend. beckah the lover. & how do i combine all of these into a person that i love completely every day? someone that i'm proud to be? not that i'm ashamed of who i am now, because i am not in anyway. i've done things that i would rather not have flashed across the front pages of the strib or the pioneer press, but everyone has those things in their past. anyone who doesn't is either very boring or a filthy liar.


what this is about is the fact that last night during class while listening to one of my classmates talk about working just part time & being mainly a full time student i wanted to cry. not just cry, but sob. that deep down cry that settles so deep in your chest it feels like it will never be gone. the kind of cry that leaves a wound in the center of your chest on your sternum. the kind of cry that lingers because even when the tears are gone, the hurt is far from being gone & you're left with an ache & a longing & a pain so deep it defies definition. that's how i felt.

cause.

cause.

i miss it so so bad. at that moment, listening too my classmate talk about waking up at noon and still getting to write for four or more hours before class i was so envious for a moment. not the deep seated dangerous green jealousy that come from money, power, or lust. but the envy of the freedom of that life style. the passion & the dedication. the drive & desire. the fact that somehow i've lost that in my life. i'm trying to remember when the last time was that i really made my writing a priority. & there's moments when i wonder, have i traded all that in for someone else's dream? i never strove to be white collar, that was my sister. how have i found myself at this point?

yes. yes. yes. yes. i know. same self centered self-pitying line of the past. except. maybe not. because, i was so happy to feel that ache. it meant that i still really care. & that is priceless. because if i didn't hurt it would mean that i don't care that i'm not writing. that it doesn't matter if i have writing as a priority in my life. that really would have been the worst part of it all. if i had listened to my classmates talk about their several hours of writing that they do each day & it was no more than mild interest to me. then i would have had a problem. but, since i got so upset it's actually a very good sign for me.

i met with deborah, my advisor today. & we're putting in a plan of action. i'm going to graduate in 2008. planning on defending my thesis in december of 2008. & then i'll walk in may of 2009. & so i'm trying to get myself back to that obsessive girl that didn't go anywhere without her notebook & pen. the one who sneaked in writing time where ever she went. the girl that lived, breathed, & died by the written word, at all times. that's the beckah that i miss so much. & that's the one who can be everything else: sister, daughter, friend, lover.



*i do realize thesi is not a word, but i like it better than thesises which is a real word

thought of the week: september 30-october 6

you think for too long and then your chance is gone, the choice we're meant to make, is one we'll never take,

~jimmy eat world, jen lyrics

is there a time limit on a dream? on a wish? can years of inaction make any future action impossible? not that i'm in a dark place thinking that my time has passed me by, but these lyrics are somewhat haunting me none the less.

i've been resting on my laurels much too much lately. for instance, this is LAST WEEK'S thought of the week! & i'm just now getting it finished on october 9th! i've been in my master's program for six years come this february. i've been "working on losing weight" for, um, well, let's not talk about that one. my friend joey called me in june & i still haven't returned his call. just a lot of things that have been on my to-do list for far too long.

& it makes me wonder, what have i let slip through my fingers by my tendency towards inaction? or rather, delayed action? how has this impacted me? i don't know that i'll ever really know the true answer to that question. because you can imagine the road not taken, & postulate where those choices would have maybe led you, but there's no way to step out of this time that we're in & go live that parallel life. the one where i make decisions quickly & absolutely. where i'm a flutter of quick decisions & i don't look back on all the "maybe i should'ves" that are left behind me. & i don't think so long on something that my chance to make a choice is taken & i'm left with someone else's choice made for me.

so, here's to being decisive. to being on top of things. to not letting my to-do list pile up into an impossible task.

my milkshake, er, bandana?

after work today i got all changed into my work out clothes, put my bandana in my hair & was leaving the building when this guy who never says anything to me even though i always smile & say hi gave me this huge smile & said something along the lines of "you have yourself a good night."

so when i got out to my car i realized i couldn't find my ipod. i was not too happy, mentally dropped an f-bomb & everything. went back into work to check my desk for it. on my way back into the building i passed by two guys, both so hot you just bite your lip & go mmm-mmm-mmm. & with each of them they gave me a HUGE smile said good night/good bye in some fashion & went on their way. now, yes, on the one hand, maybe they were just being polite? but seriously, their mouths were saying good night, but their eyes were saying hey baby, you look bendy. true story.

now, i'll be honest. by this time, i was a bit freaked out that i had nipple showing or something that i couldn't see. i did a covert full body check & i seemed to be properly covered. who knew yoga pants & a black&white camo bandana brought out the randy in boys? so, this is now my new favorite bandana cause evidently it makes boys drool. hard core.

&, i love this picture of me cause, well, i look totally hot in it.

thought of the week: september 23-29

i see it around me, i see it in everything, i could be so much more than this, i said my goodbye's, this is my sundown, i'm gonna be so much more than this
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american

once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.

i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.

100 things about me

for the record, i'm totally ripping this idea off from a blog, bleeding espresso, that i've recently discovered. i read exactly one of her posts & realized that i need to read more of them. & that i totally have to make a list of my own.

1. i'm a writer

2. first & foremost: see #1

3. i'm the oldest of 3 or the middle of 5, depending on how you count my siblings

4. i'm 30

5. i feel like i'm 21

6. i look about 21

7. my favorite band is bon jovi

8. i won't apologize for #7

9. my parents are still married

10. i've always had a pet since i was born

11. my parents currently have custody of my pets due to my living situation

12. my dog worships me

13. one of my cats loves me but doesn't show it

14. the other worships me. . .& is plotting my demise

15. i'm happier now being alone than when i was engaged

16. at least once a year i re-read the book "the face on the milk carton"

17. i refuse to re-read "where the red fern grows" because i cried too hard

18. when i get furious i need to hit someone or cry

19. i usually cry when i'm furious

20. star wars geek i am

21. i miss my grandpa paul

22. i never met my grandpa paul, he died 16 years before i was born

23. the only bone i've ever broken is the tip of my middle finger on my right hand

24. my favorite tv show as a kid was dukes of hazard

25. i used to want to be a barker's beauty when i was a kid

26. my mother regulated our tv time with coupons. 30min on a school night, an hour on the weekend

27. i had to cooperate with my siblings to watch a movie

28. if my dad was watching tv i could watch with him & not use a coupon

29. chips was my other favorite tv show

30. i still have a crush on the duke boys (the duke boys then, not now)

31. i've been boy crazy since birth

32. my dad reminds me of the father in my big fat greek wedding

33. he did actually say to me once "why you want to lea-ave me?!"

34. i randomly quote obscure movies

35. i love everything orange flavored

36. i really don't like the color orange, at all

37. when my mom was pregnant with me she ate a bag of oranges a day

38. the last time the vikings made it to the super bowl i was a fetus

39. my favorite numbers are 13 & 69 & 77

40. i was supposed to be born on june 13th

41. my birth was delayed by 2 days because 4 other babies had the audacity to want to show up

42. i am so happy that i don't have kids at this time (see #11)

43. two of my best friends had baby boys exactly three weeks apart

44. i still buy happy meals, for myself, sometimes just for the toy

45. my favorite color is pink

46. my second favorite color is black

47. i'm addicted to the mc-crack

48. i /heart going to the Y

49. i hated gym class when i was a kid

50. i loved playing outside & running around until i was 7

51. when i was a kid i wanted to play hockey

52. my mom said "no daughter of mine is growing up without teeth."

53. hockey is the only professional sport that i even semi follow

54. they'll always be the north stars to me

55. i never cried when my grandma ginger died & still haven't

56. i cried when we put my dog anastasia down & went to class drunk that night

57. once in a while i still look for my cat tommy who ran away 14 years ago

58. i still miss my white german shepherds snow & tillie

59. i really don't miss my ex-fiance, at all, in the slightest

60. i like creating acronyms

61. guys with vast vocabularies & large intellects are a turn on

62. #61 is not a euphemism

63. i'm slightly dyslexic

64. i'm a gemini

65. i'm a gemini

66. 64 & 65 repeating was deliberate

67. i believe in reincarnation

68. i've had memories of a past life

69. in case you missed #39 this is my FAVORITIST number

70. i was raised catholic

71. technically now, i'm a recovering catholic

72. my mother doesn't find #71 funny

73. i have 3 tattoos

74. the plan is to do all my back & full sleeves on both arms. . .& maybe more

75. my family hates my tattoos

76. i fly to pleasent hill, cali just to get tattooed

77. my first tattoo is in memory of my baby nephew, logan, who passed away in 2003

78. logan's death saved my life

79. going to the dixie chicks with tina was one of my pivotal life moments

80. i rarely listen to country music much any more

81. recently i was described as "an alternative chick"

82. people THINK i'm a good girl from minnesota. until they see my nose. my tongue. & my tats

83. i loathe being called a good girl from minnesota

84. i totally have a crush on eminem (it's my dirty little secret)

85. anyone who calls my phone between 8pm-8am hears dirty little secret while they're waiting for me to pick up

86. my voicemail is completely ridiculous, but completely based on a true story

87. most of the true stories in my life are completely ridiculous

88. i'm so happy my life is not pastel & boring

89. nothing in my life is pastel & boring

90. i shop at victoria secret. . . for make-up

91. tyra banks is one of my role models

92. my mom is one of my heros

93. this list is harder to write than i thought it would be

94. i'm confident enough to tell my friend "i love you"- - -to their face, on the phone, in writing

95. i did not inhale, true story

96. i actually got grad school credit for going to burning man

97. wikipedia is my new favorite website

98. now that i know how to create hyperlinks i hyperlink all over the joint

99. i like turning nouns into verbs (ie i should've thesaurused that word)

100. i have enough ego for three people, but i'm not egotistical (& that's why i will one day rule the world)

if i'd've known i'd've built an arc

we had a bit of a storm today. ok, that's like saying there was a little leak in the titanic. we had a huge frickin rager of a storm here today in the twin cities. i really WAS going to head to the Y tonight with the fabulous miss jenn, but i was wiped out by the end of the day. i had a second interview for a new job at work. & that is always a bit of an adrenaline rush, going through the interview process, trying to do your best to impress & hoping that it was good enough. along with the fact that i 've been up late most days this week for one reason or another. & the cough is still hanging on like i'm its new best friend (even though i have SO told the cough we're breaking up, it's kinda like when your 3rd cousin twice removed on your dad's side comes to visit for a weekend & three months later he's become one with your couch & your remote control & the local liquor store is sending you thank you notes for the vast amount of natural ice he's buying on a daily basis. extreme measures may need to be taken, for both cousin chuck & the cough).

so i wound up hijacking miss jenn for some mc-crack. & a happy meal. the sky seemed to be getting a little dark as i was eating my cone, but i really didn't think much of it because we've been getting a lot of thunderstorms here lately. & i seemed to recall something during the day about a chance of rain, so i really didn't think much of it. & as we rolled out of mickey d's & headed back to work it started sprinkling a bit, but nothing too extreme. well, for about a minute & a half nothing too extreme. but the closer we got to work the harder the rain started to fall & i knew we were in trouble when the temp dropped ten degrees in the space of a minute & the light poles in the parking lot were swaying wildly as the rain fell sideways in sheets. yup, houston, we had a problem.

i really thought it was one of those flare ups where the rain heightens, beats down, & then just lifts a bit. but it wasn't. by the time jenn was getting into her truck the rain was heavy, hard, & cold. . .first figuratively & then literally. she opened her truck & tossed her purse in, 20 seconds later when she was opening my car door to get her gym bag hail started to fall. like acorn-ish pieces of hail beating the crap out of her, she actually almost fell into my car with the first one slammed into her lower back. after being pelted by mother nature jenn made it safely back into her truck, but she did look kind of like one of those sad little kittens left out in the rain, just completely drenched from head to toe. i felt super bad for making her go get the mc-crack with me.

i was actually worried that i was soon to have a moon roof & a hole in my windshield because the hail was so vicious. i could barely see anything & i was presented with three options: head to the highway & try to get home, drive to the covered parking at work & wait the storm, or find somewhere else to hole up & wait. i drove towards the underground parking thinking that i didn't want to go much farther than that, knowing that i was not going to get on the highway because i somewhat value my health, & i wasn't sure where else i would go. & there was a small part of me that was freaked about my car getting beat to little bits.

jenn pulled up next to me & asked me what i was going to do. almost instantly the tornado sirens went off. since i was raised in minnesota i know not only what a tornado siren sounds like, but that they only sound them when absolutely necessary (& the first wednesday of every month at 1pm). i asked her what she thought i should do & this was her response:

"i've never seen a tornado before, i come from a state that doesn't offer them. i don't know the protocol."

i have to say, even in a potentially life threatening situation jenn is frickin hilarious. if i WAS ever to be in a situation like the titanic where the shit was not only hitting the fan, but being pushed through as a steady stream, i'd like jenn to be there with me because i know that some how she'd make me laugh & make the situation just a little bit better.

now, i do come from a state that offers tornadoes & i've had the protocol drilled into my head ever since i can remember: don't go out chasing them, don't stand near a wall of windows, get to an interior room or a basement, make sure you have a flashlight, & for god's sake stay eff-ing put! so, the smart part of me thought we should park our cars & get into work fast as can be even though we were technically off work & jenn's house was only a mile away, give or take a couple yards. & then there was that OTHER part of me that figured we should just head to jenn's house in the hail & zero visibility because we were only a mile away & we'd both be more comfy, her especially since it's her digs. so, that's what we did, leave the shelter of the parking garage & head out into the storm. awesome. sometimes i'm a frickin genius i tell you what.

with the whole zero visibility thing & the fact that i drive a little saturn sports car it just seemed like a recipe for trouble, & it was. the whole way to jenn's apartment i drove as carefully as i could & just kept praying that i wouldn't stall out or hit any big puddles. & i made it all the way to her complex without doing either one. i did manage to stall out in her parking lot though, which was awesome. jenn was a bit ahead of me in her truck & i didn't see her go through the water because of where i was at, but she said she just barely made it through in her truck. my car, to give him credit, made it most of the way through, & by the time i realized how much water i was actually in, he stalled out. i know jenn has told me in the past that the bottom lot floods with a lot of water or a fast spring melt, but i think i just spaced it.

to her credit jenn did try to call me to warn me, but by the time the call came through to my phone my car was dead in the water, literally. jenn was able to help me push my car out, she waded into the water, shoes & everything to get behind my saturn & help me get it out. now, i was in my interview clothes, if you recall, so i wound up taking off my shoes & socks & trying in vain to roll my pants legs up to get out & push. a little aside, once again, jenn is crazy strong & i wouldn't want to get into a street fight with her. i put my car in neutral & before i was out of my car i realized the car was moving in a forwardly direction & jenn was pushing me in my car out of the water. jesus bobby. i did hop out & do the whole push-on-the-door-frame-of-the-car-with-one-hand-while-steering -the-car-with-the-other schtick. & we had almost cleared the puddle/pond when a guy ran out into the rain to help us get the car out. by then we didn't need any help. but, thank you dude, that was quite kind of you. my car did wind up starting once it was out of the water, but it was not happy with me by any means & kind of gave me a few scares on the way home just as payback. so, lucky i own a small car, eh? it i had something huge like a navigator, well, probably would have cleared the water, but, IF i got stranded & had to push something like a navigator i would just curl up in the backseat & take a nap.

while things turned out ok with me, jenn, our cars & the storm, back home my parents had a few problems of their own. as it turns out, the rain was so fast & so heavy that it flooded the basement, coming in along the walls on the southeast corner so quickly that the water brought silt along with it. yeah, lovely. evidently at one point my brother looked down the stairs & saw actually flowing water. oh, jesus bobby. luckily my brother can be a super awesome person & he went into the basement & got everything up off the floor & got the water up too. which, for those unfamiliar, my parents' basement is where i have some of my stuff still. i have a small room there for when i go home & hang out just to get away from my roommates. so i was a lot not happy when i learned that it was my room was now playing the theme song "i am a rock, i am an island." but, thanks to my brother's quick action nothing of value was ruined. still need to go clean it all up, but he did the hard part.

but, in the end. me, my family, & my friends are all safe & sound, which is the biggest concern. so, just 'cause it's fall in minnesota doesn't mean we've left the severe weather behind. & in the words of the weatherman on the news in regards to storms like this, here is my sage advice: "for your sake, for your next of kin's sake, if you're safe & protected stay there!"