it's bunnicula!

when i was in elementary school there was a series of books all about bunnicula. a bunny who was also a vampire. but he just drained the life from veggies leaving them white & lifeless, not actually draining blood from humans. now, i haven't thought of those books in a, well, probably good decade & a half at least. but, i saw something tonight that not only gave me the chills but made me think of that long ago series.

even though i just got my ratties a month ago i've been contemplating getting a chinchilla. i love dogs & cats, but my life right now is best conducive to an animal(s) that lives in a cage. when i was at petco picking up some stuff for my boys i saw a lil gray chinchilla curled up asleep in his cage & went to the net & started researching. so i've been looking on craig's list to see if i can find the right chinchilla for me in need of a home. which does bring us back to bunnicula.

i like looking at pics of animals so i opened a post titled "2 cute bunnies" & was confronted with pictures of a rabbit that scared the bejesus out of me. the post is for a bonded female/male(fixed) pair of rabbits. & i'm not necessarily a cujo believer. i don' really think animals are evil or have the capacity for evil, i think that's more a human trait. i will concede that a mistreated animal will become mean as a defense mechanism. but, the pictures that follow are making me shiver just a little. i know. the poor bunny is probably sweet as can be. but check out the second pic with the other bunny. looks pretty evil, eh?

filter? we don't need no frickin filter!

WARNING: this is not work appropriate. this also may be offensive &/or an overshare. read at your own risk.

jenn continually reminds me that the filter between my mouth & my brain is seriously damaged. or possibly missing. it may take extensive testing to determine which, but the end result is i almost always say things that either offend people, or would offend them, or are just plain wrong in so many ways. today i nearly said something that would have been highly inappropriate. however, somehow, i managed not to say it.

the set up: i was at walgreen's picking up a monistat combination pack & a pack of today's sponges (i need to stop having surgery, the fucking catheter gives me yeast infections...they even pumped me full of antibiotics too! go figure). so i'm getting these two items, the cashier is a middle aged white woman with ashy blond hair & she asks me "how're you doing today?" i almost started to say: "except for the extreme feminine itching & worried about getting knocked up-FANTASTIC!"

it took every little ounce of my willpower to literally bite my tongue & say "great, thanks. how're you?" i've texted a bunch of my friends this little story & the consensus was that everyone wished i would've really said it. i've actually had a couple people tell me they'd pay me to say it. i may actually go with my friend steph this sunday just she can be a witness. not like i'll need more monistat then, but it has an amazing shelf life. sinead actually suggested i should've said that & asked if they had a pine car-freshner to get rid of any odors (which there are not, in case you're wondering). BUT, if i'm going to open mouth & insert foot may as well do it to my hip instead of just my knee.

in about an hour i'll be leaving my parents' house & heading to HCMC to go under general anesthesia again. this time i'm having an exploratory laprascopy & an EGD (i can't recall the exact name, but they're sticking a tube down my throat). about a month ago, may 15th to be exact, i went into the ER at methodist hospital with abdominal pains so bad all i could do is cry. a coworker had to drive me in actually because i couldn't drive myself. they did some tests in the ER but couldn't find anything emergent, so i was sent home with orders to follow up.

pn (park nicollet the medical system my main doctor works from & the medical system of methodist hospital) decided i have an ulcer, put me on meds, & said we'll see what happens. i went to HCMC & my surgeon disagreed. pn called me last week to schedule an endoscopy, i nicely told them my surgeon disagreed with them & could they please call HCMC & come to a conclusion on a diagnosis. yeah. that didn't go over well. if you want to feel seething indignancy try telling a private practice doctor that your county doctor thinks they're wrong.

went back to HCMC yesterday for my surgical follow up & because i've had two bad attacks in the past two weeks (one last wednesday & one this past monday) my surgeon decided the best course of action is to go in & look around to see what's going on. i found this out yesterday morning. he had mentioned surgery when i saw him two weeks ago, but my brain somehow deciphered it to mean i'd only have surgery if things got bad enough for me to go to the er. i didn't really comprehend that if it was still bad over two weeks that i'd be heading back under the scalpel. ye-haw. *eye roll*

i did start to freak out yesterday, i won't deny that. but my surgeon doesn't seem terribly worried, evidently it's just a simple in & out outpatient procedure. he said i'll be fine & dandy by sunday to head to the science museum with my dad. i'll be honest, i did ask if we could do it later because sunday was my birthday & he said i probably shouldn't schedule this around my social calendar. but we could wait if i wanted, but he didn't feel it was the best option. yeah. evidently when faced with possibly life threatening medical diagnosis my first response is denial.

flashback eight years: saturday of easter weekend in 2000 my parents took me to regions hospital er because i was having crippling stomach pains, all i could do was cry. they did some tests & realized i had pancreatitus, which can be really serious if untreated. they said my gallbladder had to come out, i had stones & it was causing serious problems, but they couldn't take out my gallbladder until the pancreatitus resolved so the er doc wanted to admit me. my response was "i have a final project due on monday, can i go home & i promise i'll come back monday afternoon?" the doctor looked at me as if i was completely loony tunes & off my lithium & said "no, you're not leaving. this could KILL you." most people would accept that, but me being me & being one fucking stubborn bitch, i still asked him if it was open to negotiations. it wasn't.

time to shut down my computer so i can get off to the hospital. i'll be blogging later today, hopefully, if i'm not too nauseous from the anesthesia. whatever they gave me last time for anesthesia made me SO sick. omg. that was horrible nauseous. i'm contemplating spewing now as i recall the sensation. but, at least this time it's not as serious as it was last time. wish me well!

checking in, body dismorphia, & you're craving what now?!

one of the big questions i get a lot is "how much weight have you lost?" not a question i mind answering at all, & i realized i haven't answered it here on my blog in a while. when i weighed in yesterday morning i was 192.8. which means that from my all time high of 323 i'm down 130.2 lbs. yeah. i've lost a whole human being. & not just a kid or an olson twin, but a real sized human being! i've lost almost what hcmc told me would be my ideal weight if i have never been morbidly obese.

i actually have such a hard time wrapping my head around the numbers sometimes because they seem so unreal. but they're true. & i have to say that even though i did wind up going the surgery route, i did lose a pretty healthy chunk of weight on my own prior to surgery. just before i started the liquid diet i was hovering around 258 or so, which means i lost a good 60+ pre-surgery on my own, which is a damn good accomplishment.

i've taken to staring in mirrors. i mean. i'm one sexy bitch. i was a sexy bitch even at 300+ lbs, but i'm just dead sexy now *winks* but seriously. i'll look in the mirror at times & i kind of can't believe my eyes. i also have taken to running my hands up & down my sides. i can feel ribs now. i don't recall that sensation before. i've also become obsessed with my hip bones. when i lay on my side watching tv they jut out just a little bit & i can bump my fingertips along the bones. it is the damned oddest thing to suddenly experience. but i'm really enjoying all these new experiences.

last week i had an OMG, you're frickin kidding me moment. rachel & i went to the death cab for cutie show (i will be writing more about this soon). afterwards i wanted to get a t-shirt. so i asked the girl selling them if she had any larges or extra larges. she handed me an extra large. i then asked rachel if she wanted one (my treat cause this was her birthday gift) & she said yeah. she also held up the xl & said "becks, i think you'll need something smaller." so i gave the xl to rachel cause it fit her & asked the girl if they had any larges, which they didn't. so i got a medium. as rachel & i were walking out of the orpheum i said something about it fitting me in a few weeks or so.

when i got home from dropping her off at her place i held it up & realized it looked about the same size as one of my other tees i've been wearing, so i figured what the hell & tried it on. & it fit. yeah. the fucking medium tee fit me. i almost died. i then wore it to work on tuesday to work & then proceeded to tell everyone my story of the t-shirt saga. i think fairly soon some people i know may start punching me in the face over the size thing. i do often tell people when i get into a new size. i just find myself gobsmacked & need to share my sense of wonder. then again. i am cognisant that my wonder is not everyone's.

it's so odd because i really have no clue at all what size i wear. it seems to vary so widely lately that i really can't keep up. & i think that because i've lost so quickly, which yes, i realize was part of the point of getting this surgery, but because i've lost so quickly i think my mind is having a hard time coming to grips with all of this at times. i hold up clothes, think "yeah, that'll fit over my left thigh, if i'm lucky" & the thing fits perfectly, or is a little bit big. i'm sure that once i'm a year or more out from surgery & the weight loss stops i'll get a better handle on all of this. & i'll be able to look at clothes & tell if they'll fit or not, or at least do it with a bit more accuracy.

with as rough a time as i had early on, things are getting better. i'm able to eat a bigger variety of foods. i'm no longer a vegetarian (thank heavens, that almost killed me!) i still don't get hungry, but i do find that i'll have a food that actually tastes good, or if it's easy to digest, i'll wind up craving it for a while. which is the strangest damn thing, because i really don't feel hunger, yet i get cravings. for a while there i was on an eggroll kick. but it had to be vietnamese eggrolls from village wok. & then after that i went through a chili phase. part of that may have been that i had enough to feed the eighth army in my fridge. last week was chef salads. this week i'll be eating plenty of chili again because i thawed some of the stuff i froze. not sure if i'll be craving it or not.

let's see, what else. OH! & i've developed intolerance to both milk & sugar. for a while i was drinking milk three times a day & it was my sole source of nutrition. now i get really sick & feel sluggish & icky when i drink it. which makes me sad. as for the sugar. i can have a little bit, but i can't have really sugary things or i get sluggish & sleepy & feel general malaise. so no byerly's cake for my birthday as in years past. the frosting is too harsh for me. instead my family is getting the reduced sugar cake mix, making that, using sugar free jello, & light cool whip to make a "poke cake." & i'm hoping that will be ok & not make me sick. the sugar thing is tricky because while sugar makes me sick, i still have an incredible sweet tooth. yeah, there's a nice loop the universe threw at me. BUT! i've found a way to cure my sweet craving without getting sick. i just eat one of two of the strawberry frosted mini wheats at the end of my meal. i get my sweet craving taken care of, i don't get sick, & they're not horribly bad for me.

there is plenty more to update in my life, but my computer is telling me it's near midnight. my eyelids are drooping. & they boys (anthony & leif) are giving me dirty looks because i'm still awake & all up in their kool aid. either that or they're pissed because when i got home from work i gave them carrots instead of yogurt drops or frosted mini wheats or life cereal. they're definitely spoiled little boys :) either way, more to come soon.