mother nature is a bitch

so, in a grand april fool's day joke mother nature dumped a bunch of snow on us today. & by a bunch of snow i mean we had something ridiculous like a foot of snow. here are some pics from my back yard today when i got home. even though i don't speak bird, i'm pretty sure this bird was saying: "what the fuck? where the hell is spring? i came back for this shit?!"

thought of the week: march 24th-30th

i've lost count of the times i given up on you, but you make such a beautiful wreck, you do, there's a tavern on the corner called the milky way, and you look so at home there it makes me afraid

~shawn mullins, beautiful wreck

for once i'm not blogging about myself. i heard this song about a month ago & it reminded me of a friend of mine, B, & i had made a mental note to do a blog, then i spaced it, forgot, heard the song again yesterday & this time made a physical note instead of just a mental one (my memory has been spotty at best lately). sometimes a song, or part of a song, or something will just tug at my heart & this one does, especially when i think of B.

he's someone that i've known for sometime. we've been in & out of each others lives for a few years, & there is something about him that just makes me want to cry sometimes. he's got a sadness behind his eyes, even on the rare occasions that he smiles that sadness is still there. i know that i have a tendency to attract people that "fixer-uppers" because there's something about me that i attract people that need a nurturer in their lives.

but maybe why i keep B as a friend is because he doesn't take advantage of that. & while i do try to help people & have tried to fix people in the past, somehow i've never tried to fix him. & that seems odd to me. but in a good way i think. all i've ever been is his friend. no judgements, no questions, just his friend. & sometimes all anyone needs is a friend.

the past couple years things have been rough for me, not gonna lie about that. & i know B's had a rough time of it too. we've both been kinda wrapped up in our own personal demons & struggles. i think i'm finally coming out on the other side, but i know he's still stuck in a pretty dark unhappy place. & i don't know how to help. & it's so fucking hard. i love him. not in love with him, but i love him & i can't help & it hurts.

happy easter!

i'd like to wish everyone a very happy easter (or if you don't celebrate easter then a very happy sunday march 23rd). i spent this weekend at my parents' house to celebrate with them, ya know, do the whole family thing. i was even a good daughter & went to church with my mom & sister this morning. did the catholic calisthenics. not like i have anything against catholics or anything, it's just a lot of up/down/up/down/up/down. we were in the "bad monkey" overflow section
because we got there so late all the pews were taken, so luckily we didn't have to do any kneeling because we didn't have the padded kneelers in front of us. in addition we got to see all of the interesting goings on of the church hallway during the services. there are a whole lot of little kids that run up & down, going to the bathroom or just getting out some extra energy while the rest of the parishioners go about their worship.

it's been a rather good day here at the family homestead. my mom made us caramel apple french toast & bacon for breakfast. & for dinner she's making tator tot hotdish. usually on easter she'd make a ham & some kind of potatoes & some sort of veggie. kind of a large dig in kind of meal. but she decided to opt for tator tot hotdish this year, partially because i may not be able to eat the ham, but i'm more likely to be able to eat the hotdish. *crossing my fingers*

yesterday i ate about 1/6 a piece of bacon. it did make me a bit sick, but i kept it down. & then this morning i was able to eat a whole slice of bacon! i was so happy i almost did a dance. it's an easter miracle. i know it seems silly to some people. but i was starting to worry that i was going to be a vegetarian for ever & it was making me super sad. i honestly believe that i'm not eating healthy unless i have dead animal on my plate twice a day. today may be a good day if i'm able to eat the tator tot hotdish tonight.

not much else to say today. gonna watch spaceballs & head home to the west end of the cities after dinner. hope it was a fabulous day & the easter bunny was good to you (or that at least there are no rotting hard boiled eggs in your yard).

thought of the week: march 16th-23rd

i'm a new soul i came to this strange world hoping i could learn a bit about how to give and take.
but since i came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

~yael naim, new soul

so good news & bad news. i'll start with the bad news: last night my ibook g4 decided it had finally had enough of me & broke up with me by giving me the finger & deciding to have a major hardware issue. i took it in to the apple store, they looked at it, said it was hardware, & said it'd be at least $400 to fix it, maybe more depending on what has to be done. so $400 or more to fix a computer that is 3 1/2 years old. hrm. yeah. not such a fabulous thing. i did some thinking. called my mom. whined for a while. & came to the decision that it was time to get a new lappy. it's about a year ahead of schedule, but being in school & still trying to finish thesis & all that i am one of those people that really does NEED their own computer.

since i first saw the guided tour i've been lusting after the macbook air. but i figured it'd be something i'd look at getting next year because i didn't need a new computer. but with my old one breaking up with me i really did need a new one. i knew i would be getting another mac because pcs & i don't get along, at all. i looked very briefly at the regular macbook, but then i quickly moved on to comparing the macbook air & the macbook pro. i finally decided on the macbook air with the solid state drive. definitely more money than i really was planning on spending now. but, once again, after talking with my mom, i decided i may as well get what i really want right now instead of settling for something else & then not being happy with my purchase. a new computer is a lot to spend in one place for something you're not wholly in love with.

i also got the external optical drive because my new baby is my main computer. the macbook air is simply frickin awesome & i love my new baby boy. we're still getting a bit used to each other. & i am still semi in mourning over the early demise of my other mac lappy. it's the first mac that i've ever had a huge problem with, so i'm kind of unsure how to take all of this. *sighs* oh well, i took that lappy coast to coast, everywhere in the twin cities, and put lots of time on it. it was a very well loved, cherished, & tenderly abused computer. we had a good run. & luckily the geniuses at the apple store are going to be able to transfer all of my documents & stuff from that computer to this one. YIPPEE! at least i didn't lose my work. i was a bad monkey & hadn't had everything backed up. *hangs my head in shame* i know. i should take a clue from writers before me who put their work in the freezer in case of fire. this time i'm going to take advantage of the online storage space i have thanks to my dot mac account & i may wind up getting an external hard drive too.

a closing thought: apple should totally pay me to be a spokes model. i'm a mac girl through & through. i have an ipod, iphone, & macbook air. . . i think i bleed apple.

my body is not my own

first, a disclaimer: this is not in anyway at all aimed at anyone person, should not be taken personally by anyone, & is not intended to alter anyone's actions or interactions with me. rather, this is simply an observation that is the sum of my experiences post surgery.

my title is very apt because i'm feeling that my body really is not my own lately. i feel that everyone i come across owns a little piece of me except for me. & every morning i wake up & my body is a little different than it was when i went to bed the night before. sometimes it's my weight fluctuating by two or more pounds, sometimes it's that i can't stand cheese when the day before it was all i could eat, sometimes it's that i gag on just plain water, sometimes it's that i feel a new curve or bony bit that wasn't there previously.

of course going into all of this i knew that my body would change rapidly. & at times, like those days where the scale doesn't budge or moves by just one tenth of a pound, i want to stamp my feet & throw a first class temper tantrum because i feel that only eating a total of a cup & a half of food a day i should see some more movement on the scale, damn it. but mostly i just kind of stare at the scale as it ventures downward into numbers i've never seen before & try to feel & see the differences that everyone else says are so blatantly evident.

i'll admit, sometimes when i can't sleep at night, which happens often lately when the rest of the world is deeply sleeping, i'll wonder why i can't see what everyone else can. how can i have lost SO much weight & not feel it somehow? it was suggested to me yesterday that maybe i'm still psychologically fighting the surgery. that even though i had the surgery done that there is something in the dark recesses of my psyche that is making me miserable, making my recovery more difficult, making there be that disconnect between what i see & what the world sees. i would hate for that to be true, but as i've admitted, i really am my own worst enemy. & it probably doesn't help that my mom keeps asking me if i regret it & saying she wishes i had never had surgery at all. that has to fuck a person up, i'm guessing.

but back to feeling that my body is not my own. everyone has those sacred things in their life & the most sacred is your body. it's one of the few things that each person really & truly owns, has domain over, & is completely responsible for. & along with all of that comes the control to hide away & camouflage those flaws that you'd prefer no one else saw, or the things that you want to covet & hold for your own because you want to keep them sacred, or just the things you don't want to share with the world for whatever reason. & in my life lately any, all, & more than that have been fair game it seems.

now i don't blame anyone for being curious. this was a huge thing that i did with my life. it was a huge change physically (first the surgical change of the way my body functions & subsequently the actual change of losing so much weight so rapidly). but at times, it can get a bit much. i'm asked so often how much weight i've lost that the mystery of how much i weigh/weighed is no longer a mystery. i've been asked if i've had sex since the surgery. have i been more gassy since surgery? has my hair started falling out? did i have a catheter during the surgery? have i been constipated? & no, these are not questions asked by doctors but by just random people i know. some people i don't even know well enough to give my blog address to! basically the only things i haven't been asked is what size jeans i'm wearing & how big are my tits.

yeah, it gets to be a bit much. i don't mind answering questions about the surgical procedure, my eating habits, or even how much weight i've lost. but sometimes i really want to wrap myself up in a blanket & curl up & keep somethings safe for my own.

happy st. patrick's day!

*even though a papal decree moved the official st. paddy's celebration to this past saturday i'm celebrating today, yeah, i'm a rebel like that*

i'd thought about taking a picture of myself wearing one of my st. patrick's day tshirts (one is white with green trim that says magically delicious the other is white with green trim has a pic of the lucky charms leprechaun and says someone's after me lucky charms). but, to be honest, once i got back to my apartment from my parents' house & unloaded my car i was ready for a nap.

maybe i'll take one later this week & post it. but if i don't: hope everyone had a fabulous day & got a chance to drink some green beer. have a bit for me too cause i'm off the beer. didn't really drink it before, but definitely not drinking it now.

MY chair is here! uh, yeah, not so much

about a week before moving into my new place the fabulous miss jenn went furniture shopping with me (yeah, she IS an awesome friend, she dislikes shopping but went anyway). she helped me pick out a cool funky couch in sage green (the picture below is from the hom furniture website, so not my apartment & not my actual couch). it's actually two "cuddlers" (basically a fancy name for chair & a half) & an ottoman & they are curved & fit together to make a really comfy lounge piece.


in addition to the couch i also ordered a chair, a really fucking awesome chair. it's round with squishy pillows & it swivels. i also got the little ottoman for it called a "jelly bean" which is a fancy way of saying "i'm paying too damn much money for this itsy bitty footstool because it matches my chair & is wicked cool." now the picture is also from the hom website & not my actual chair. i ordered my chair in a purple color, i think it's technically called aubergine, but a really deep purply/plum color. it looks cool with the sage & really very ME.

because i ordered the chair in a color that is not normally stocked they said it'd take 8-10 weeks. yeah, a royal pain in the ass, but i wanted that color so figured i'll deal with it. my couch was in a stock color so i had that delivered the day after i moved into my apartment, so i had a couch to lounge on, i could wait on the chair. especially since my bedroom is GINORMOUS & i decided i'd put the chair in my bedroom as a reading chair. i got a call on thursday saying that my chair had arrived & i could arrange delivery. i wanted it as soon as possible, but sunday (today) was the earliest they could get it to me. so i scheduled the delivery for today.

i was so excited to get my chair, it's super comfy & i was finally going to be able to finish hanging up my pictures & feeling settled in my apartment. well, not quite yet. the guy pulled the ottoman off the truck & i was looking out my window & i right away said "oh no, we have a problem." the chair & the ottoman were red, brick red. yeah, not at all what i ordered or have been expecting for the past two months. i met the delivery guy at the door & told him we have a problem, i ordered purple. i think the delivery guys were less than pleased that they carried the chair off the truck & down to my place & then had to take it back up the hill & put it back in the truck. they did ask if i wanted to use that one until mine got here & i told them no, i don't NEED the chair & i'll just wait.

my room is still chairless & i'm looking at another month or two before my purple chair arrives. i called the store & talked to the sales lady that wrote up my order & told her that my chair showed up in brick instead of purple & that we had to get it corrected. i wasn't bitchy or mean, i was very matter of fact that i refused delivery because it was wrong. so she is getting it corrected, she's going to email the manufacturer & see if there is anyway possible to rush the order for me. it really sucks that my chair isn't here yet, but hopefully it'l be here before the end of april.

pimping for post secret

miss jenn introduced me to this website, post secret, & i find it fascinating. each sunday they put up new post cards that people send in with their secrets. they've also published some books with post cards in them that have been sent in over the years.

thought of the week: march 2nd-8th (late entry)

and all along, i should've known this wasn't your dream, it was mine, i know you wanted me to give up this life to be, everything i was back when you had the hands my heart was in

yellowcard, firewater, punk goes acoustic

this really will circle around, but it's going to take a bit to get there. last wednesday my mom played hooky from work & the two of us went to the barnes & noble in maplewood, bought some books & hung out in the starbuck's there sipping coffee & chatting. first off i'd like to say my mom & i had a really nice heart-to-heart. she's still not on board with me having gotten gastric bypass, but she will eventually get over it. while we were sitting there i asked her if she had heard about what dad did after TSSOB* & i had broken up. she had no clue what i was talking about so i told her what i had just found out in february when my dad helped me move into my new place.

for whatever reason my dad started telling my cousin all about the fiasco that was that relationship. & i'll be honest i was barely paying attention just because sometimes my family, while seeming to be well meaning will bring up my past mistakes in a way that reminds me of rubbing a puppy's nose in his misplaced piddle. so i was pretty much ignoring him, only half listening when he said something that was news to me.

my dad then says that after i had broken up with TSSOB he kept calling my parents' house asking for me & by some incredible stroke of fate he kept getting my dad. & my dad basically ran interference on my behalf. he told the guy i was at school, at work, out with friends, out on a date, just whatever he felt like saying. & then my dad goes on to say that at one point TSSOB breaks down & starts crying while on the phone with my dad, saying that he made a huge mistake by letting me go & that he loved me & that he needed me back in his life. my dad told him to get over me because i'd gotten over him. according to my dad this went on for months. in this time i had seen TSSOB's phone number come up on my cell phone, but i never answered when i saw him calling because i didn't want to deal with him.

by the time i finally answered one of his calls it was august of 2004, almost a year since my nephew died, almost a year since those silent days in connecticut with my sister, almost a year since i broke up with TSSOB, & almost a year since i had taken my life back. i was in california leaving an office max after picking up some supplies for my poetry book to give away at burning man driving my rental car, a silver ford focus. & i answered the phone annoyed that he was intruding on my california oasis. annoyed that he still hadn't mailed my stuff back to me (of course, now it makes sense why he didn't). & just generally annoyed at his sudden appearance into my life. & i let him know it. i don't recall much of what i said, but i do remember it was the verbal version of a bitch slap.

if i would have found out that my dad had been lying to this guy & basically being my goalie for close to a year any earlier i'm honestly not sure how i would've reacted. but by now i've gotten enough time & distance that i see it as so sweet that he continually did that for me & never once told anyone in my family about it. sometimes it's nice being a daddy's girl.

as for the boy. it was mismatched from the beginning but neither of us had the experience to be able to tell it any sooner. as much as i'd try to tell myself i'd be fine with small town life in the south i really wouldn't have been. i would have been miserable. & while he thought i was what he wanted, i really wasn't. now that i'm being honest & true with myself i am probably opposite of what he would have wanted. i'm a city girl. i love my tattoos, my piercings, the look of downtown st.paul lit up for the holidays, the convenience of living in the city, & the pulse that the city has that is lacking in small town america. or, lacking for me at least. we both really did want the other to be what we thought they were, or pretended to be, but not the truth.

in the end, what woke us both up was my writing. he told me to give it up & i realized it was the one thing that i never could give up. & i'm so thankful that i have my writing in my life. maybe i'm not always as productive with it as i'd like, & maybe i write a lot of tripe, but it's my tripe, it's my lifeline. & it's the essence of who i am.

now the million dollar question: do i miss the boy? not in the slightest. i write about this with a studied indifference. i've had the time & distance & healing i need to keep me from any strong emotions at all where he is concerned. i will say if he suddenly popped into my life again i would have some strong emotions & strong words for him & possibly even a well aimed punch, but that's only because i've permanently closed that chapter of my life & never want it reopened again.

*the southern son of a bitch

pictures & updates

first off i'd like to say: this is the 300th post to my blog! yippee! break out the suger-free gum & celebrate.

recently pensive pearl asked for some updated pictures. the first picture is me & my dad back in october when we were in connecticut for my sister's wedding. it's not a fabulous picture of either one of us, but it'll do. the second picture was taken last night after i got my hair cut. in the second picture i'm wearing my old glasses, not quite sure why i put them on yesterday, & my stylist always does my hair as if i'm living in the 80's, but it's as new as possible.

as for my weight, this morning i weighed in at 218.8. it's very surreal to me at this point. i still can't believe it, i don't really feel it, & i don't really see it when i look in the mirror. but other people are seeing it so i have to start believing it pretty soon.

& yet another interesting phrase

so i'll admit, i'm a biggest loser junkie. just got home a bit ago, so i missed the first hour of the show, but i'm happily watching the last half, kind of paying attention, kind of messing around on my computer & i hear this:

"me, bob, & roger tossed some salads." -dan from biggest loser 3.11.08

i laughed, truth be told kinda even a bit of a snort laugh. now, if you read that & don't immediately laugh because you don't know the other not approved by network tv definition of that phrase, please go to urban dictionary.com & find out. i suggest doing that at home & not at work (hint: it's not the definition having anything to do with caeser).

thought of the week: march 9-15th

it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then i kick the living shit out of me

lit, my own worst enemy

sometimes i am my own worst enemy, i know that. & it's been pretty true in the past, but it's also something that i've worked hard to rectify in recent years. i know i'm kind of a weird girl in that i have been able to have physical relationships with guy friends & remain friends. not like i make a habit of sleeping with my friends, i'm really making myself sound worse than i am, but it's something that i've done in the past. i guess i always took a different view on it & i saw it as a good thing that after the physical relationship was done i was able to remain friends with my former lovers. i've always said that i'm unlike most girls out there. & i'm now starting to believe that i'm really unlike most people in general.

last night i got into a pretty heated argument with a guy because he has issues with the fact that i am still friends with former lovers & that there has been one that i've been with somewhat recently. my friend/former lover & i both know there is no chance of a relationship between us ever & we're both ok with that. we have a really awesome friendship. we can hang out & not be physical, but when we are it's satisfying for both of us & there's not guilt or complications or issues. so this guy i was talking to on the phone last night, we've been out a couple times & he basically told me that if there is a chance for a relationship between us that i would need to agree to never be alone or go out with my male friends that i've slept with. as in i couldn't even go to perkins for coffee. i retorted by saying no one will ever tell me who i can & can't be friends with.

i can understand a guy not wanting me to go hot tubbing with a former lover, or go away for a snowboarding weekend, or go to vegas, but perkins for coffee? the more i think about it the madder it makes me. seriously furious gang. when i am in a relationship with someone i am the most loyal person ever, more loyal than a german shepherd. right now i'm not in a relationship with anyone so the only person i really owe my loyalty to is myself.

after the phone argument i talked with a few of my friends about all of this & my friends consensus was basically: fuck him. if you're not even dating him exclusively & he's already trying to put limitations on your life & control you this will be a bad thing. now that's a composite of what i heard from a couple different friends, & some had a more eloquent way of saying it, but that was the basic sentiment. & it's not like i want to keep any kind of physical relationship with my friends when i'm dating someone, but i want to still be friends. in the past when i've ignored my friends relationship advice i've been burned. think i'm going to listen this time.

as for the quote, it had been suggested to me that maybe i'm being a bit self destructive. i don't think i'm being self destructive by remaining friends with former lovers. but since my surgery i haven't taken the best care of myself. i need to force myself to drink more water, make sure i'm having three meals a day, getting in all my vitamins, & getting enough sleep. i also have a long history of trying to do too much at once & stretching myself too thin. in that way i really am my own worst enemy. but i'm working on a truce.

body check

after thinking about the reality of how much weight i've lost & after seeing jenn & crystal yesterday i started thinking about the differences that have been happening in my body. many of my clothes i still don't notice a huge difference in how they feel, but there are a few of my clothes, mainly shirts, that are becoming looser. i've also come to grips with the fact that i did previously wear most to all of my clothes pretty tight. not obscenely tight or anything, but i do lean towards fitted clothes when given a choice. i kinda think that comes from years of poor self image coupled with feeling like the ugly duckling with no chance of turning into a swan (i spent years wearing baggy clothes before they were made popular by rap) & then waking up one day & realizing i'm one sexy bi-atch & i shouldn't hide behind over-sized clothes.

one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.

my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.

there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.

it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.

a week of doctor's appointments & medications

on monday i just wasn't feeling well so i called my clinic & begged to see my doctor. they managed to squeeze me in on wednesday. even though i had been on cipro since last tuesday, the night i went into urgent care, i just didn't feel like my urinary tract infection was recovering the way it should have. she ran some tests & confirmed what i figured. the good news is my UTI is no longer severe; it's been down graded to mild. the bad news is that in addition to the UTI i managed to get two more infections. jesus bobby. so another 7 day stint for the UTI, then a one dose antibiotic (yippee!), & then a 7 day stint on yet a third antibiotic because there isn't one that kills all three infections. i know. insane.

i had no problem with the one day antibiotic. it was one tiny pill, went down easy, no worries. the other pills have been, um, more difficult. the one for the UTI is a capsule, so pretty easy to swallow, but it is incredibly huge (i'll have to take some pictures, these are the biggest capsules i have ever seen in my life). the kicker is that i have to take it with food. so i have to take the pill with a small sip of water & then eat right away. the other antibiotic is the devil in the form of a pill, i swear to god. this one is also huge, it completely covers the pink part of my fingernail. it's a white tablet (once again, i need to get a picture, biggest tablet i have EVER seen in my life. . .& i handle medications at the group home so i've seen LOTS of meds!). the pill isn't coated & tastes horrible. not only is it the biggest pill on earth it is the nastiest tasting pill ever created. the pharmacist also said it can cause upset stomach so to take it with food. yeah, cause that'll work well.

wednesday night i took the capsule then the tablet then tried to eat & wound up vomiting. somehow i managed to keep the tablet down but lost the capsule. fabulous. thursday was a good day in that i was able to keep my pills down, both morning & night doses. but yesterday was not good at all. the second dose of the tablet didn't go well at all. it upset my stomach so bad that i threw up my dinner & kept gagging & retching until i threw up the entire tablet. not to be overly graphic, but i have never puked that hard in my entire life. i actually threw up so violently that i managed to burst blood vessels in my face around my eyes (above my eyes right under my eye brows & then under my eyes are dotted with small red bruises from the burst vessels). this morning i decided "fuck it" i'll take the capsule, call my doctor's office monday morning & find out if there is ANY other option to the tablet. it is just making me much too sick for me to keep taking it. i have to get my nausea under control & it's really aggravating my
system way too much.

yesterday morning, before the pill incident, i had two follow up appointments at HCMC. one with the internal medicine doctor & one with the dietician. those appointments went ok, but just driving out to minneapolis completely wore me out, not to mention the back to back appointments. the internal medicine dr was concerned about my nausea & lack of energy. he ordered a blood draw to see if they could indicate anything to point to my extreme fatigue.

the dietician is concerned because sometimes the nausea is causing me to skip meals. she wants me to have some slim fast or milk or another liquid meal if i can't eat. even though i'm supposed to be completely on solid foods & off of calorie liquids, she said it's really important for me to make sure i'm getting enough calories in. because i'm not eating any meat yet she also gave me some protein mixes & gave me some tips on how to get more protein into my diet. i really don't want to wind up with a protein deficiency. that would really really suck.

because i was so sick & this was my one month follow up they want to see me back again in a month. normally i'd be at the point where i wouldn't need to see them again until three months from now. i had kind of been telling myself that everyone has a rough time of it & i'm having a normal level of difficult. obviously i've been lying to myself. lying like a cheap rug. the truth is i'm having a much rougher recovery than most people. it sucks, but i'm glad to know that i'm not just being a whiny little bitch.

on the upside, my weight is at 229 according to HCMC (yesterday my home scale said 225). my BMI is officially under 40 which means i'm no longer considered morbidly obese, i'm now simply obese. who knew i'd be happy to be considered obese? but the most exciting news is that when i weighed myself this morning at home my weight was 222. why is this so significant? at my highest weight i was 323. so i've now officially lost over 100 pounds! 101 to be exact! while the surgery has contributed to that quite a bit, i had lost & kept off a little over 60 lbs on my own. it is such a monumental moment for me. according to HCMC i have a ways to go yet, they've figured my ideal weight to be around 137, but all of this is really now virgin territory to me. the lowest i'd ever been in my adult life was 229 prior to this. other than that, the lowest weight i remember being was 180 when i was 14.

i'm still not sure that i feel like i've lost that much weight. i still can't really tell the difference in my clothes, which makes me wonder if i was just wearing everything really fucking tight before. but other people can see the difference. jenn & crystal took me to trader joe's today (field trip!) & they both said they could see the difference. it's nice to get the external validation from other people. i'm sure in the weeks to come i'll see the differences myself. & i'll get some updated pics taken to post here.

staying home

i'm lonely. frustratingly lonely. staying home really bites. my life is in this horrible limbo right now that consists of bad day time tv, crippling nausea, & dehydration. i spent this past weekend at my parents' house just because it was a change of pace. i know that everyone else still has to work & keep going with their lives. i'm not so horribly vain to think that the world really DOES revolve around me. but it's hard to keep emailing, calling, IM-ing, & texting with no response. i'm starting to feel like maybe i should just tuck into my apartment & wait out the last week & a half of my medical leave.

i've contemplated trying to go back earlier, but i'm still incredibly weak. it's actually quite amazing how weak i am right now. & since i went to the doctor & extended my leave i need to relax & rest & do my best to feel better. i can't head back to work early just because i'm bored & lonely.

honest, i'm really trying hard not to bitch about about how i'm feeling because, like i keep reminding myself, i chose to do this. but it is hard. just drinking water is difficult. & i'm now a vegetarian, not by choice, my body just can't handle digesting meat yet. i tried chicken on monday & it was just ugly. i am such a carnivore it's seriously disturbing that i can't eat meat. *sighs* i know, it'll be worth it in the end. but today, lately even, has just been damn tough.

featured comic from xkcd

this is too sweet (& where's the person who will say this to me?!):
[this comic can be found here at xkcd]

three weeks out of surgery: faqs

my surgery was three weeks ago today & i've come to realize that a lot of people have the same questions about my life now, the surgery, & what will come for me as i continue to live with this change. somethings i have answers to, but others i don't yet have the answers, but i know they'll come eventually.

will you ever be able to eat normally again?
~that depends on the definition of "normal." will i ever be able to get my money's worth at an all you can eat buffet? no. will i ever be able to eat a wide variety of food again? yes. right now while my body is still healing from surgery i am on a somewhat limited diet. when i was sent home from the hospital i was on a liquid diet for a week, & now i'm on a softer diet, slowing adding in new foods as i can tolerate them. i currently eat 1/2 cup of food three times a day. my dietician said that i will eventually eat up to 1 cup of food at each meal.

how much weight have you lost?
~i know that when people ask this question they mean "how much weight have you lost[since your surgery]?" but because i'm me & difficult i like to break it up. so this morning i weighed in at 227. at my highest weight i was 323. since my highest weight i've lost 96 lbs. since i started the liquid diet i've lost exactly 30 lbs. since my surgery i've lost 15 lbs. this is all on my home scale. i go back to HCMC on friday for some follow up appointments, so i'll have some "official" numbers then.

will you have loose skin?
~honestly, i have no idea. & the doctors have no idea. because i've been obese, ok, technically morbidly obese, for so long it is fairly likely. but the human body is also wonderful at adapting, & as i lose weight my skin should "tighten up" a bit too. & then of course exercising will also help too. but overall this is one of those things that i will just need to do a wait&see on.

will you still be able to have kids?
~in a word: yes. i need to wait until my weight stabilizes. the official word from the surgeon's office i need to wait at least 18 months. now, it's not like i have anyone waiting with baited breath to impregnate me, but it's still good to know i have to wait that long, for my health & the baby's health.

would you recommend this surgery to someone else?
~this is a tricky question because the decision to have weight loss surgery is SO personal. i would never tell someone they should or shouldn't have the surgery because each person needs to make that decision on their own because no one else lives in their body. if anyone i know is interested in having gastric bypass i am more than willing to talk to them about my experience & answer any questions that i can. for me this was the right choice.

i tried to cover all of the questions that i've been asked frequently about the surgery, but if there's a question i forgot to answer, please ask & i'll answer it.