the power of suggestion

the human mind & body are amazing machines in their complexity. they can function under extreme stress, duress, & pressure, sometimes for extended periods of time. but then again, while they are amazing in their strength & versatility, they can also be incredibly weak at times, & easily bent to another's will or persuasion. sometimes one person intends to influence the other, bending their will & breaking their spirit, as in cases such as kidnappings, cults, prisoners of war & the like. when someone in power makes it their mission to assimilate the person under control. another way that people exert their will on another is more insidious, by just simple repetition of suggestion. sometimes even just one comment can plant a seed of doubt in a person's head that will stay with them for the rest of their life. & even though the body is the most complex & dynamic machine on earth, it is very delicate in that the mind has complete control over the body. if the mind believes that the body is sick, even if it isn't, the body will become ill.

in a way it's very sad how much power a small suggestion can have over the arch of a person's life, if that suggestion is said in the right way, by the right person, often enough. while this is something that i've known for a while, it's something that i have recently realized is very present in my life.

there's three words that i've heard almost ever since i can remember. "with your knee. . ." ever since i injured my right knee for the first time when i was eleven i've heard those words. those words kept me from: skate boarding, skiing, climbing trees, running. . . doing just about everything. i became so fearful that i really would hurt my knee again causing me to be subjected to knee surgery, always said in a whisper as if speaking those two words aloud (KNEE SURGERY) would some how cause the universe to inflict this punishment upon me.

lately i've been purging my life of negativity, including ridding myself of issues from my past that are holding me back. & as i jogged around the track at the Y the other day (more about the sudden phenomenon of beckah's new fond love of jogging in another post) i came to the conclusion that i am not afraid of injuring my knee because i'm really actually afraid, but because my parents are afraid for me. they're afraid that i'll do something to fall & hurt myself again causing serious damage to one or both of my knees. but the catch-22 of the entire situation is that: if i don't exercise & push myself, my body, specifically my knees, will get weaker & weaker, where as, if i do exercise there is a risk of another injury. however, i am starting to think that the risk of injury is significantly less than the good i will do by actually pushing myself to do things that i've previously avoided, like: kick boxing, jogging, & basketball.

from now on i believe that every time i exercise i strengthen my body as a whole, my muscles, my joints, my cardiovascular system, pulmonary system, & even my soul.

post secret

this was posted on post secret for the week of july 8-14th. i thought it was pretty appropriate for how i feel right now.

kick-box D'OH

so, after talking about it for many months, jenn & i finally went to the kick boxing class at the Y. & i'll preface this by saying: yes, i enjoyed myself, & yes, i will be going back again. with that said, it was quite an experience.

even though i know enough about exercising, and especially group exercising, to know that you always do some kind of warm up, i just spaced that fact. so the VERY first thing the instructor says, after making sure we're all paired up with a partner, is "let's do some jumping." my immediate gut instinct response is to think, "fuck jumping, i'm so out of here." & even though the last thing i really wanted to do was jump, i did indeed start jumping. & we kept jumping. up & down. left to right. front to back. bouncing all over the fucking place like picachu on speed. for me it was more like semi animated stepping & less like jumping because, well, i need to work on my jumping. & my jumping muscles.

then we went on to the punching. & the kicking. the instructors would show us three different combinations & then we'd get to do them on our own with lovely background music, some of which really did make me want to punch someone or something. i was completely willing to let jenn be first puncher & i was willing to be the first target, but she insisted that i punch first. i have to say, at first i was a little bit hesitant & scared to punch. i was afraid i'd hit jenn in the face accidentally, or that i would look like a total ass, or that i'd fall flat on my fucking face. but i didn't do any of the above. i may not have been the most graceful person in the gym, but i did a good job of keeping up. one of the instructors even came over to me & told me that i could slow down if i wanted to since it was my first time taking the class. which i took as a compliment that i was working hard enough to impress. or, possibly, i looked like i was going to keel over dead.

but obviously i made it through the class alive & kicking. which, we did do some kicking too. i actually enjoyed the punching more. i planted my feet & tried really hard to put as much power as i could into each punch. imagining that i was beating the hell out of, uh, a certain someone. with miss jenn's encouraging, of course.

jenn did great too. actually, she scared the hell out of me. if she & i were to get in a fight, she would kick my ass ten ways from sunday, trust me. she's a serious hard core scraper. then again, she did grow up with older brothers. i, on the other hand, am the oldest. & way tougher than my brother. i kind of think when she was punching she was holding back alittle because i'm not as strong as she is, so i wasn't quite able to be a steady target, if you know what i mean. but i think she still got a decent workout.

the only downfall to the kickboxing class, & this is kind of a big one, is that the communal gloves are, well, a bit funky. & not funky in a good way, but, a bad way, really bad. let me put it this way: after having the gloves on for 20-ish minutes & removing them, i couldn't get my hands far enough away from my body. so, note to self: if i'm going to continue kick boxing, i need to invest in my own gloves. that's a recommendation to anyone who is interested in taking kicking boxing.

meeting abbae

for no good reason at all, i haven't put my tattoo pic up on my blog yet. i have no clue why, but here she is. my green fairie, abbae.

world, meet abbae, abbae, meet the world.

further thoughts on mimosas

so, here's one thing i learned tonight: mimosas taste really fucking good with nilla waffers. yeah, i know, who'd've guessed? it's nothing i would have ever put together straight away. but i do recommend them if you're having a mimosa at a time other than brunch & need something to accompany the beverage. which, actually, if you think about it. mimosa is just a fancy way of saying "i feel like getting fucking sloshed before noon." though, today, instead of drinking a mimosa in the morning i had it late at night. which is good too. it has to be ten am somewhere, right?

i actually didn't even plan on drinking this evening. but i ran across a bottle of champagne that my mom had been given a while back when i was hanging out at my parents' house today. & since i was planning on spending saturday night at their place, i said "why don't we toss this bitch in the fridge & we'll have some champagne & toast my non marriage when i get home from work?" yes, around my mother i do actually say things like "let's toss this bitch in the fridge." she is, well, both her & my dad, are not necessarily your factory model parents. they've had a few adjustments including the optional profanity filter removal. & it's definitely not worse than anything my parents have said. er, even anything my mom said during errand earlier today.

so, before i went to work at the group home we threw that bitch in the fridge. i got home, my parents each had a bit, & i made mimosas out of the rest of the bottle. i'm not very fond of champagne straight up. yeah, i know, evidently it's a luxery, but i can't stand more than a few sips on its own. but if you mix that shit with orange juice, then i'm all over it like a dog on a steak. same with vodka. i'm not fond at all of vodka straight up. can't stand it. but if you mix vodka up with a bit of orange juice? mm-mmm good!

i wound up pairing the nilla wafers with the mimosa because i needed a wee bit of food to make the medicine, er, alcohol, go down. & for the briefest of moments i did consider an omelet. but, that seemed like too much work, & a bit excessive for midnight on a saturday. nilla wafers just involved a wee little box shake & that was that. an omelet does sound tempting for sunday morning. too bad i'll be out of mimosas by then. but, probably a good thing since i have to work sunday evening again at the group home.

& that ends this segment of: further thoughts on mimosas. thank you for tuning in. this episode has been brought to you by the number 69.

drinking mimosas from a coffee mug~a poem

normally i don't post my poems on my blog. but today, i will. the following is a poem that i wrote today. it's pretty self explanatory. thanks everyone. love much, beckah.

drinking mimosas from a coffee mug

today was supposed to be our wedding day.
instead, i went to target for wash cloths &
razor blades, picked up some sourdough bread,
milk & ramen noodles on the way home from
working my second job. clad in faded blue jeans
& flip flops, my hair back in a soft-worn gray
bandana instead of a princess dress with my hair
in big ringlet curls & a tira flashing like stars,
as i’d once imagined myself wearing this night.

i haven’t heard from you yet, but somehow
that’s ok, because i really don’t want to hear
your voice, or see your number show on my
caller id. i don’t want to think too hard about
the fact that you’ve already moved on to someone
new. & not because i love you anymore, because i
don’t. not in the slightest. not even a tiny little itty
bit with a hint of nostalgia. but because i want
you to think today about what you could have had
& miss me. & call yourself a fool. & wish for just
one more second chance, that i wouldn’t give.

so i’m sitting at home, a smile on my face & in
my eyes, drinking mimosas from a coffee mug,
toasting myself & thankful that i’m still alone,
depending on myself for strength, confidence, &
hope. writing a poem for myself, for my future.
knowing that in the end, i’m wiser for the time
i lost, better for the lessons i gained in the end.
& happy that i didn’t tie my life to yours today.

happy independance day

ok, so it's july 3rd & not the 4th. but this is a different kind of Independence day for me, that just so happens to fall around the Independence day of our country. for me, today is the day that i can FINALLY dump TFF's (The Former Fiance) cell phone off my verizon plan. we broke up in december, coincidentally just about two weeks after he lost the damn phone. but because i had put him on my account as a second phone, i still had another six months left of his plan before i could give his phone number an adios & fare-thee-well from my cell phone plan. which, yes, did totally suck. & then, because he had lost the damn phone, i had the account on hold for 30days so no one could find the a fore mentioned damn phone & charge calls to guam on my account. which pushed the date from june 3rd, to july 3rd, for me to be able to call verizon & get the number dropped once & for all.

this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.

it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.

but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.

i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:

The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.

& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.

it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.

so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.

home sweet apartment

for those of you that i don't talk to very often, i got a new apartment. yippee & congrats to me! *happy dance* my apartment is in st. paul, with a beautiful view of the mississippi river & two wicked cool roommates. ok, i've known my roommates for all of two weeks tomorrow, but still, thus far they're wicked cool : )



i have the majority of my stuff moved in & i've actually started staying there. & it's good. to be honest, it's still a little bit surreal. i did have a place with my sister for a while, & when i moved back with my parents two years ago it was just supposed to be for a month or two, six months maximum. fast forward two years & i was still living there & it just wasn't where i wanted, or needed to be.



yes, i do realize, at 30 i should've been out on my own with my own apartment for a long time. but things with my family are complicated. & it wasn't even always necessarily that i didn't want a place of my own, at times it was because i really felt like my parents NEEDED me to be there with them, if that makes any sense at all.



& my mom took it a lot better than my dad. my mom has known for some time that i was wanting to get my own place, like for, oh, the last year & three quarters, basically just a few months after i moved back in 2005. but my dad has always wanted me & my siblings to live with him forever. he just has this thing about wanting to keep his family close so he can protect us. it's very sweet actually.

but i'm there & very happy about it. the view is spectacular, & the river walk is literally outside my door. this is a very good thing.