weekly weigh in #20

so weighing in a day early, does that mean i theoretically could weigh less if i did my weigh in tomorrow on my normal day? can a person lose ten pounds overnight without the loss of a limb or liposuction? probably not. but it's nice to hope that i'd have a better number if i had just 24 more hours to work my butt to the bone. owie, now that sounds painful!

in all seriousness though, i do need to start taking the competition with jenn more serious, not just because of the money thing, but because it's kinda my last chance to do this on my own. & i want to give it my all.

one thing that i know that i could be doing, but haven't been doing at all lately, is my pilates videos. in the past when i started doing them not only did i lose inches & tone up pretty fast, but i also lost lots of weight. i have no clue what it is about pilates, but it is really great for anyone looking to get fit quick. when you're doing it the workouts seem easy, but then you wait a day & you're beggin for mommy & some advil & really feeling it! but it's a good feeling. & i miss that.

so, here's the stats, better than some weeks, & halfway down to the 250's, but still, kinda a bummer since i was at this point a couple of weeks ago! but still, four pounds lost is four pounds lost.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 269 lbs
this week's weight: 265 lbs

& i found the tubby catepillar ticker, so i have to use it since this is going slow, & i'm tubby, & it's pink. & of course measure progress with a star, cause' i'm a super star! hehehehe.

i never used to believe in writer's block

i always went through life thinking that each day you had the control to shape the day as you pleased. i never understood when i heard people complain about writer's block. sure, there were some days that i had more trouble concentrating & writing than others, but over alli never really had a problem, until recently. my advisor has told me that it's probably due to stress & all the bullshit going on in my life, combined with the fact that i really don't have my own little sacred writing space, which is something that every writer desperately needs. & then, of course, the fact that as of late i haven't given myself the permission to write.

so mix that all up, bring it to a rolling boil, & you have frustration & writer's block. although in a way it feels more like creative constipate. it's as if i have all these ideas & phrases rolling around in my head but when i try to get it out on paper or out onto my computer it just won't move. like there's something stopping me from producing.

& what kills me the most about all of this is in the past i have been uber prolific, always writing any chance i could get. i was the kid in high school with a tattered notebook that i carried everywhere with me & i wrote at any chance i could get. i was the kid who got yelled at in english class for writing on my stories when i finished my english homework. yeah, i was totally that much of a writing geek. ok, while my teen years were miserable at best, due to being fat with glasses & braces, at least i had my writing. & at that point in time i really felt like a writer.

now i kind of feel like a fraud. i want to do this, so badly, & yet, somehow i'm just not able to make it happen & that makes me want to punch someone in the balls.

weekly weigh in #19

yup, another gain. bleh.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 268.25 lbs
this week's weight: 269 lbs

being thankful

as 2006 winds down in the frenzy of the holiday season, i'm trying to approach the end of the year with a positive attitude & optimistic outlook on life. since thanksgiving typically starts the beginning of the holiday season, now is a perfect time to work on my new attitude. & since thanksgiving, historically, is a time to count your blessings & say what you're thankful for, that's how i'll start my end of the year.

things that i'm thankful for:

~my family who supports me no matter how much i annoy them
~my friends who always stand by me, even when i'm not the most likeable person
~my dog walker who makes me feel like the most important person on earth
~my cat cleo who keeps me humble
~my cat toes who reminds me that there are normal animals out there
~that i'm able to wake up every morning in a free country
~that i'm able to move on my own accord
~that i'm a strong person who's able to help support those around me
~that i have two jobs that i enjoy
~that i have a college education
~being able to follow my dreams

so it's a little bit touchy feely, a wee tad emo, but i really am thankful for all the blessings in my life. it's so easy at that time between thanksgiving & christmas to become so self absorbed in getting to all that places you just have to be, getting the right gift for each person, getting things wrapped & shipped & baked. it's hectic & crazy. & here in minnesota it's generally cold as a mofo outside so you just want to stay in & eat lots of comforting fatty foods & drink lots of hot chocolate heavily laced with baileys. which makes it hard to be thankful or greatful or joyous about anything.

& at this exact moment, the thing i'm most thankful for is that jenn has made me her pity project & keeps me on track by dragging my butt to the Y & giving me that, "oh, you dirty whore" look when i eat chocolate. & the competition does help, because i just realized we're competing for enough money to buy one of us a new ipod. mmmm....now that'd be a sweet sweet christmas present to myself.

maybe tomorrow i'll just have a salad.

me as a tarot card

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

it's cold in them thar basement

yeah, so our furnace went out, again. which means we need to get the repair guy in, again. i swear, ever since we've had our furnace replaced we call in a repair person once a year at least to fix the stupid thing. & it's always when we start freezing that we realize it's not working. grrr. so last night i slept in long underwear & thick fleece socks, laying on a heating pad, with four blankets on top of me. luckily it was enough to keep me warm.

&, if you recall from post a few days ago, NaNoMoWri i was talking about cleaning & ridding my house of a bunch of junk. & because there's so much junk, i have to get a ton of it cleaned up before the furnace guy can come out & repair the thing, yeah, we won't talk about the details on that one. but needless to say, even though i was in iowa this past weekend, i wound up doing a bunch of cleaning last night so that our house can once again have that wonderful modern invention of heat.

i also did venture a little bit into the area that is to be known as my office, & it is a bit scary. lots & lots of work do need to be done back there. most importantly it's a lot of dusting, vacuuming, & picking up because no one has been back there for several years. it has a great deal of potential though, which i'm excited about. & i really think that i can have it all straightened away by the end of this coming weekend. i need to work on it each day & just keep plugging away at it.

once we have heat again it'll be lots easier. the basement is a bit nippy right now. but it does look better after the work that i put in last night, & i'm going to try to get in at least a half hour of work tonight even though i have to go grocery shopping tonight & get gas & i have to be at work at 7 am tomorrow, which means i need to be on the road by about 6 am at the latest. EEK! but at least, after 8 pm on wednesday, i'll have some time off work, from both my jobs, a whole four days! i am really looking forward to that chill time.

i'm especially chomping at the bit to be able to give myself some writing time. there's just ten days left of the NaNoMoWri, & if i really want to finish with the 50,000 word limit then i'm looking at doing 5,000 words a day for the next ten days. yeah, i know, get off my keister, quit with the blogging & get with the novel writing! so here i go, again on my own.

just 'cause it's a vacation doesn't mean the rules are null & void

so i'm sitting right now in a hotel room in west des moines iowa, on a little mini vacation. basically it came about like this:

josh: hey beckah, whatcha doing saturday?
me: meh, nothin' really, why?
josh: i kinda want to do something, i have some time off work
me: what're you thinking?
josh: iowa for ribs?
me: omigod, that's exactly what i was thinking!

& while i'd only been kinda half thinking of iowa for ribs, the idea kinda grew on me. & with next week being a half week at work & all, i thought "eh, what the hell, a small trip out of town will be ok. & hopefully i'll be able to give myself some writing time while i'm at it."

so far no real writing has been done, but i've painted my fingernails a lovely shade of lime green. we had dinner at bennigan's & i had a bowl of soup & split a desert with jack. so far no regular pop, no alcohol, no snacks, no real breaking of the rules. & it's hard 'cause i do have this mentality that when i go on vacation it's a total fuckin' free for all.

exhibit a: the april trip to san francisco for my tattoo. we went to the stinking rose & indulged in yummy garlicky good food. we had in & out burger double-doubles three times, two each time with fries, of course, & then the snacks & the alcohol & chocolate & ice cream. & i basically took a nice little break from reality. & with the GP looming on the horizon i need to change a lot more than just what & when i eat. i need to revolutionize my relationship with food & how i think of my socializing time.

i really don't know if it's just an american thing, or a minnesotan thing, or if it really is universal, but in my world socializing is very often synonymous with food. & good food. & lots of it. most often when i'm with my friends & family when i'm eating it's not even necessarily because i'm really hungry, but a lot of it is all about opportunity. just like our dear friend kevin costner was told "if you build it, they will come," if the food is there i'll eat it. yeah, i know, totally a fat girl thing to do, but it's more of a human thing. i've noticed that a lot of not fat people will munch on food that's in front of them even if they're not hungry.

it also helps my resolve that i spent a great deal of time this morning at the Y, almost an hour & a half of serious exercise. that really does make me less likely, typically, to sabotage myself with food. then again, tomorrow i'm going to be at hickory park with my face in a plate full of ribs, but not like i do that every day. there is a gym here at the hotel, & even though it's about quarter after 2 am, i'm seriously contemplating a wee bit of sweat time before we check out. or i may start working on those 50,000 words before i turn in for the night. or i may just turn off my lappy & cuddle up with my pink fuzzy hello kitty pillow.

weekly weigh in #18

& yeah, so the scale went up, again. the whole weight loss debacle is horrid when you're pms-ing, want to bathe in chocolate & stuff everything in your face, hurt so bad from cramps that you want to curl up & sleep & most definitely don't want to hit the gym, & then at the end of the week of NOT bathing in chocolate NOT eating everything in sight & going to the gym even though you hurt like hell you still gain weight. wtf, mate?!

*sighs* but at least my numbers of my tickers are not overlapping my starting weight. & my starting weight on each of them is STILL more than my current weight. i guess i need to be thankful for the small things, right?

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 266.25 lbs
this week's weight: 268.25 lbs

perfectly so

i had my second visit with christine this morning for my gastric bypass requirements. & i brought in all of my logs for my diet, exercise, vitamins & all that good rot since october 23rd. & she was wickedly impressed that i've been keeping track the way i have. i also told her that i'm trying to stop drinking beverages along with my meals. she said that's a pretty good habit to get into because it's one of the things that many people have problems with post-surgery, so it's good for me to get into the habit now. & i was straight up with her, i told her that i haven't been perfect, i've had the occasional snack & i've indulged in take out & still sometimes drink diet soda with my meal, but i'm working on all of it.

she also said that she can't wait to see me post surgery because i could be a poster child for the surgery. & in a way that feels really good to hear all of that. especially with the chaos of the last few weeks in my personal life. it feels so great to feel like i'm doing really well at something. although, i think a lot of my success is going to come from my mind set. i'm going into this knowing that i have worked really hard in the past. i haven't done as well every single day as i could've, but over all i've really put lots of effort into changing & losing weight. & it isn't weakness to ask for help. in a way, it takes a lot more courage to admit that you can't do something on your own than to just keep plodding along because you're too proud & stubborn to admit that you need someone to lean on. that's been a big thing for me. admitting that it's ok to ask for help when you've done everything you can on your own.

i know i've had some very mixed emotions in the past about obesity surgery, but i'm feeling very good about this. like i'm finally doing something really positive for myself. but even though i have this on my very near horizon, i don't want to pig out & just figure, oh, well i'm having surgery, what does it matter? cause it really does matter. i feel like i need every day prior to surgery in order to get myself prepared for the rest of my life. things that i take for granted now, like chewing my food, are going to have to be mindful activities post surgery. & the more good habits that i develop now, the less work i'll have to do on the post surgery side.

one thing i never realized is that even though i didn't really think that i snacked a whole lot, i really kinda did. & i'm trying very hard to resist snacking at all. if i get really hungry i'll drink some water, pick up a book or turn on my computer & 99% of the time that urge to eat goes away, & on those few times where it doesn't go away, then i have a small snack 'cause i figure that means that i really am hungry. but it's also pretty nice, taking snacks out of my life. i feel like i'm obsessing less about food. i plan my meals, eat at my meal times & then that's it. & i'm actually cool with it. odd, huh?

the biggest thing i'm worried about in this whole thing is my parents. they are, well, less than fans, of the GB. they are actually pretty much dead set against it & wanting me to do everything under the sun in order to try to lose weight before i go that route. the thing is, i have done everything under the sun. as a kid i was in a weight loss program where i saw a dietician, physical therapist, & psychologist. i've seen dieticians on at least 3 separate occasions at my main clinic as an adult. i've worked with my doctor. taken over the counter diet pills. i've done slim fast, weight watchers, richard simmons food mover, & south beach. i own so many fitness dvds & videos that i could open my own store. i own free weights, exercise mats, two different versions of the firm. & not only do i own all this stuff, i've used it. i've given up sugar & fast food cold turkey in the past. currently i'm using splenda, brummel & brown, diet soda, diet ice tea, watching my intake, taking multi vitamins. basically everything that i can do besides quit my job & dedicate five hours a day to working out, which would, frankly, make me want to shoot myself.

so biggest challenge over the next couple of months will be getting my parents on board with the whole thing. my friends are very supportive, even my sister, rachel, is supportive. but my parents are still digging their feet in the sand & refusing to budge on their opinion, which kinda hurts me a little. christine did warn me that often times the family dynamics will change after someone gets the GB & loses a lot of weight. which makes sense to me. especially when one person loses a lot but the rest of the family remains obese, which will be the way with my family. but i really also want to encourage & inspire my family to take control of their lives & their weight & do something proactive to change their current course.

over all i'm very happy i'm doing this right now instead of waiting another ten, twenty years. my biggest fear now is that for whatever reason i won't be approved for surgery, & that would really be disheartening & demoralizing for me. but i have the dietician thing down. i'm meeting with my primary care doctor next week to discuss the whole thing, so the only big hurdle left is the psychological evaluation which is the week after next. i took the mmpi, so they'll have the results on that, sit down & talk with me, & then it'll just be a matter of waiting a bit to figure things out. all the while continuing to do what i've been doing, eating well, exercising, & mentally preparing to turn my life inside out, upside down, & revolutionize my existence.

NaNoWriMo

i was leaving hamline today after meeting with larry & telling him once again, that i didn't have any writing for him to read. & once again i showed up to campus feeling like a failure for some how not being able to do what was once easier for me than breathing. & while i was there i told him about the wedding, & feeling like a failure & a fuck up for some how not being able to write. & he listened, & told me that i was in no way a fuck up, that everyone has those times. where the one thing that you love to do, want to do, crave & yearn for, is the one thing that you're unable to do.

one thing i told him is that lately my writing has started to feel like just one more thing on my lengthily daily to do list. & he told me that i needed to get it off my to do list & bring it back to being enjoyable. something that i take comfort & refuge in. & he's right. he also mentioned that i need a sacred writing space & that with enough time & practice that my writing time will feel like sacred time, but that i have to believe it, tell myself, & not let anyone or anything intrude on that space.

so for the first time in a while i'm feeling hopeful about my writing.

i'm still living with my parents, which is less than ideal in SO many ways, but the one thing that i could have going for me is that we do have an office, in the basement, next to my room. it's technically my mom's, but she hasn't been able to use it for some time due to the accumulation of junk that has slowly infested our house. & she said that her office can be my office. so i need to step 1: clean out the backroom junk blocking said office & step 2: clean out the office itself. inside the office there's a computer desk & another gorgeous wooden desk. sure, it's in a basement, but it has the potential to be my sacred space.

& believe it or not, i'm not working at the group home again until december 9, 2006 because i took some time off for myself. so i can really get this emptied out & have some ME space! i think i know what i'll be doing this weekend, any guesses?

& all of this rambling brings me to the title of this happy little blog, NaNoWriMo. which is short for national novel writing month. which is basically a bunch of people from all over the country are trying to write a complete novel during the month of november. there's some guidelines set out, it should be 175 pages, about 50,000 words, completely written from november 1-30th. now, admittedly, i'm 13 days late in entering this. & some folks are probably well into their novel, but i'm thinking of taking a crack anyway. i still don't have a usable novel for my thesis. i have the general gist of the whole dang thing, but nothing usable, just a lot of nonsense, which doesn't work well for anyone but willy wonka.

so i've got a pretty huge 17 days ahead of me. let's see. i am going to clean out the office, beautify it, create my sacred writing space & give myself permission to write.

to all my friends, i love you most dearly, but i may be less than pleasant when turning down invites over the next month or so while i finish my novel. so please, if i tell you no i can't do something because i have to write, don't be offended. especially if i'm less than kind while saying no, i'll do my best to keep the chubi hidden, but she may emerge on occasion.

luckier than some

my mood, my blog, & my person in general have been fairly dark lately. not goth-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-cause-pain-is-fun dark, but more just melancholy & very un-beckah like. & i won't apologize for it, because there has been a lot weighing on my mind lately, besides of course my butt. & with as hard as i tried to conceal my emotions, somehow they came out in little ways, in my blogs, my off hand remarks to friends, in my interest, or lack there of, in certain activities. & i'll admit it, i've been fairly upset over the past couple months about a lot of stuff going on in my personal life.

but this blog isn't about that.

ever since i posted the blog last week stating that my wedding was being postponed with no reschedule date, i've received a lot of support from my friends, family, coworkers, & my writing advisors. & while i've been keeping myself wrapped up, coccooned in my own little sphere, others have been noticing, & caring, & doing what they can to help.

what i realized today on my way into work is that i'm very lucky. instead of being alone in all of this with no one to talk to, turn to, or cry to. i'm surrounded by people who love me, are willing to listen without offering advice, people who are there for me without strings, without needing repayment, without asking anything of me. & in that way i am so much luckier than many people.

& that feels so great. to know that i have so many people in my life who love me & care about me & genuinely want me to be happy. i know for some people this is a NO-DUH kind of thing. & in a way i know that i have people that if i'm in dire need of help that i can call them & they'll be there no matter the time of day, night, or windchill. but it's so unexpected to know that there are more people than i knew concerned for me.

i'd like to take the time to say thanks much to everyone who's helped me over the last couple of weeks. even if it was just exchanging text messages, playing phone tag, or one line emails. it's all really helped me get through those really tough days & helped me to finally start to see some kind of good that can come from all of this. so thanks much, everyone. i really appreciate it.

weekly weigh in #17

um, yeah, so party like a rock star & gain half a pound. *sighs* but better half a pound than three or five or ten. so, all in all, close to a wash. i'm still in the 260's, which makes me happy. but not any closer to my goal, which makes me a sad panda.

but, on the upside, my tickers are still pretty well away from my starting points, & that does make me pretty happy that progress has been made & that i haven't lost too much ground. it just means that i need to be more dedicated & consistent in my efforts. going forward with a positive outlook.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 265.75 lbs
this week's weight: 266.25 lbs

you look like you're losing weight, or so they say

& that's what people have been telling me, a lot, here at work. but in a way i don't know that i believe it. ok, yeah, so in the last two weeks i did lose ten pounds, but before i did that people were saying i looked like i was losing weight. while i was pigging out on a regular basis, drinking on the weekends, & forgot my way to the gym even though i have to walk right by it on my way into work every day.

& in a way it's really discouraging, makes me feel like an imposter, & all these other oddly complex feelings of guilt & shame. & sometimes i wonder, are people just being nice because they know that i'm going to the gym (semi) regularly? & they see me sucking down the gallons of water. & choking down lean cuisines everyday. is it that they want to encourage me to keep trying to make myself healthier eventhough it doesn't appear to be working?

it's very odd, but when people start to notice my weight loss & congratulate me on it i start to feel super self conscious. & then i feel like if i don't continue to lose weight that some how i'm disappointing them because they took the time to notice the changes in me. & then slowly the sweets creep back in, & the fast food, & the other foods that are detrimental to my health & well being.

sometimes i wonder if all fat people are great self sabatogers. i really think that if there was an olympics for self destructive, self deprecating, self sabotaging behavior that i would most definitely be a medal contender. not like i WANT to be that person that does those hurtful things to myself, but i really feel sometimes like i can't help it.

being fat is emotionally complex, like taking an afternoon stroll through a mine field. when i'm out in public people, all the way from small children to adults, think it's perfectly ok to stare at me. it's ok to make loud comments around me about "that fat chick." it's ok to scruntinize what i'm eating. what i'm wearing. just because i'm fat. & i'm made to feel like i'm less because of my size. like i'm not as worthy of the good things in life. i don't deserve cute clothes. i should be uncomfortable in: movie theater seats, restaurant booths, airplane. that's the punishment due to me because i'm fat.

& it really pisses me off. i mean, it's not kosher for me to go up to the white trash mom in the mall & tell her to make her fucking brat shut the fuck up 'cause the kid is annoying as all hell. it's not ok for me to go up to the skinny bitch in the tube top & too low too tight jeans & tell her she looks like she should be working university & getting five bucks a blow. it's not ok for me to go up to the overly built guy wearing the sleeveless shirt in january & tell him to lay off the 'roids before his boys shrivel to raisins. & YET all these people, & more, find it socially acceptable to comment on my fat butt wearing the apple bottoms. eventhough my clothes actually fit, i'm not being rude or obnoxious, & i'm not asking any of them for a goddamn thing.

to all my fat brethren out there: i request a call to arms. let's not sit back anymore & take it. next time i hear someone commenting about me i will speak up. i will get in their face. & i will make it personal. the problem is, the masses think it's ok, that fat people don't deserve to be treated with respect & dignity. i say we reclaim our dignity, demand respect.

& for all of you who don't know

jack & i are postponing the wedding. so feel free to reschedule your lives for july 7, 2007. 'cause my wedding ain't happening then.

we're still working some stuff out, but a wedding is kind of far away in our priorities right now. i'll keep everyone updated on the event.

thanks much.

i don't believe in fairytales, anymore

like almost every little girl, when i was young, i believed in fairytales. that good always, no matter the odds, would triumph over evil. generosity & good deeds are rewarded, while selfishness & ill will are punished. magic exists in many forms. that for every princess, there was a prince. & that they would all live happily ever after, because that's the way the universe is meant to be.

some days i wish i could go back in time & shake that little girl hard, make her teeth rattle, & tell her that it's all a bunch of bullshit. that in the end, all that you can really count on, is yourself. & if you don't start off believing in yourself then you're in for a long hard path until you get to that place.

i want to tell her that there won't be a prince, on a white horse. there won't be a castle. or that one perfect kiss that saves anyone's soul. there won't be the birds, the stars, the hearts or the sappy music to signal the happy ending. i want to tell her to stop looking for all of that. i want to save her a decade of her life wasted on that myth of happily ever after. i want her to focus on what's really important, her art, her vision, her future, herself.

& if only i could go back in time, maybe i could save that girl from having to learn every lesson the hard way. to have to learn over & over that thinking with your heart is as insane as trying to breath with your spleen. it's an impossible situation that will only end in frustration & defeat. maybe she'd believe it if i was the one to tell her she was smart, beautiful, capable, talented. that she really could be anything at all under the sun, she just had to dream & believe it. not get distracted by chasing pixies into the witching hour.

but i can't travel in time, although if i could i would SO be the first to think up you tube. & then i'd have a million dollars so i could buy a green coat, but not a real green coat. 'cause that's just cruel. sometimes it's nice to wish a bit though, to think & hope that maybe in some way i can bend time, just a little, so as not to actually travel back, but to reach that little girl, through our ancestors, so they can guide her & save her the wasted time.

& yes, the people we are now are because of the people we were in the past, shaped by the experiences along the way & the events & encounters of every day of our life. & yet, i'm not in the mood for that philosophical bullshit. because what's to say that the person i am at this moment is the best possible version of myself? what's to say that if i would have only been stronger as a child that perhaps i'd be a much more powerful person today? that maybe, if my head wouldn't have been so far up in the clouds that i'd be better grounded here on earth. my dreams realized. living my dreams instead of just sitting & pathetically wishing that maybe one day i'll be able to find the time between the two jobs & the inane errands to actually finish my book. to actually do something with my life.

maybe one day i'll stop trying to breath with my spleen.

sometimes i hate the weekends

yeah, so basically all of my good eating & hard work went straight out the window this past weekend. i had pizza, long island ice tea, french fries, smore's malt, a chili dog. . . .ugh, i feel sick just thinking about all of it. & it's not like any of it was really any good. ok, the long islands were pretty tasty, & the after effects of those were SO nice, but other than that, the rest of it was not even worth it!

& that's the frustrating part. that i've been busting my butt all week long, working out before work, after work, eating those stupid lean cuisines with no snacks, resisting the cakes & donuts & danishes & all of that at work all week long. then the weekend comes along & it's as if all of my restraint & will power is left behind me at my cube in minnetonka.

i know there's a difference in the motivations behind eating. & this past weekend i wasn't eating because i was hungry, to fuel my body. i was eating because i was: bored, upset, it was there, any & all of the above. & yeah, i know that's a bad thing to do, it's not healthy, in any way. & it's a behavior that i really need to change for good. i mean, i thought that i really had changed it, but i guess this also proves that sometimes in times of extreme stress it's much too easy to revert to the old familiar habits that have been your long time companions. too bad mine haven't always been something like yoga or biking. then again, i'm not dead yet, so there's still time to change it all.

this past weekend wasn't all bad. i did see an interview on you tube with david grohl, thanks to miss jenn, that really made me pause & consider the way that i've been living my life. he kept saying that he feels so lucky to be able to spend his life doing something that he actually enjoys. & that he doesn't feel like music is work. in a way my situation is not terribly dissimilar in that i want to be a writer, it doesn't really feel like work to me. the biggest difference is that while he's getting paid to live my dream i'm working two jobs that are just OK in order to survive & meanwhile i'm letting my writing slip to the side.

the other thing he said is that every day he wakes up thankful to be alive & have another day to live. yeah, semi hokey, i'll admit that. but there's also something to be said for that thinking. right now i wake up many days dreading what's to come. work, bills, all of that crap, & i'm not really taking any time to experience the joy that life has to offer. & that's not good. i used to take great joy in the beauty & the wonder in each & every day, even the ones that i wasn't so jazzed about like the frigid cold days in winter, or the ones where i would really rather curl up in bed than go to work, but even then i found something to appreciate in the day.

forgiveness

i've been doing a bunch of reading lately on losing weight, getting healthy, & decreasing your stress levels. & one thing that has been popping up more & more in my reading is the necessity of forgiveness for a persons overall mental well being. & i'm not sure if i'm consciously seeking this out due to nigglings at the back of my brain, or if it's the universe's way of telling me that in order to really move forward i need to, in one clean swipe, free myself from those sticky webs of the past that are still clinging to me as i refuse to completely, with my whole heart, forgive those who have wronged me. at this moment in time there are three main people that i'm holding grudges against that i really must let go of.

& so

i forgive ms. petch for being a heinous bitch & essentially ruining my childhood. i entered her classroom a bright, happy, extroverted, vivacious child. full of energy, spirit, creativity, & an inner light that defied my years on earth. i left her classroom at the end of second grade a sullen painfully introverted kid who turned to books & food for comfort. i forgive her for the abuse & mental torture she put me through. as she bounced me from the "dummy" reading group, to the average, to the advanced. as she taught me the definition of humiliation by repeatedly making me a laughing stock in front of my classmates. i forgive her for instilling in me doubt that i was: smart, capable, valuable. i forgive her for stealing from me years of being an outgoing bubbly person while i hid behind that scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to blend forever into the orange & brown walls of the classroom.

i forgive my parents for not coming to my defense & pulling me out of that second grade hell hole. i forgive them for being too wrapped up in their own problems while i was growing up to notice the food missing from the cupboards as i ate my emotions away in secret. i forgive them for not being the role models that i needed them to be. for not modeling a healthy relationship with food. for not teaching me at a young age that fitness was something to be enjoyed, not dreaded. i forgive them for not seeing me for the miserable depressed teenager who tried to take her own life because she'd rather be dead than fat. i forgive them for seeing me as who they wanted me to be, instead of who i really was.

i forgive tssob (the southern son of a bitch) for stealing seven years of my life. i forgive him for telling me in one breath that he loved me & that i was damn lucky he did because no one else would want me. i forgive him for making me believe that was true. for hurting me so deeply that i can never completely trust another human being again. i forgive him for making me doubt that: i'm smart, talented, beautiful, & a force to be reckoned with. i forgive him for turning me into that pathetic girl that let an abusive guy rule her life because she really & honestly believed that one day he would come through on his promises. for being the kind of person who is only happy when he's holding someone else down. i forgive him for the lies he told me, that i foolishly believed. & i forgive him for the years of abuse in which he never laid a hand on me, but still left deep scars, none the less.

i had really thought that as i drove away from the playa in september of 2004 that i had left all of this behind me in the ashes of the temple. that i had let it go up in the flames that day, scratched onto scrap pieces of wood. but sometimes symbolism is just that. & while i thought i was ready to wipe all of this from my mind, my heart wasn't quite as ready to let go. & the hatred is weighing me down. so with this blog, i release my hatred & blame from my soul. letting the dark holes left behind fill with the positive people & blessings in my life. fall into winter is a season of death, but also a season of rebirth, & another chance to start again & hopefully get it right.

weekly weigh in #16

yippe, good news to report, finally! i feel like i've been a broken record, losing & gaining the same damn three to five pounds week after week. i feel like i've made some serious progress now. & i am totally willing to give credit where credit is due, & if it weren't for miss jenn i wouldn't be down in the 260's right now. & i'm really grateful & indebted to her. there were days over the past two weeks where i have come very close to actually hating her when i was dragging my tired bummed out self to the Y after getting off work at 8pm. so much thanks miss jenn for being my inspiration & motivation when i needed it.

but this also proves that working really hard can pay off. i'm still leary about having too much hope, but i'm so happy to be in the middle 260's, i was hoping to be at 263 by thanksgiving, but now i'm hoping that maybe with lots of hard work & self control i can be dipping my toes into the 250's, & a new pair of jeans at torrid!

& aren't my newest tickers so cute? with the ticking & the moving & the OH PROGRESS! : )

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 271 lbs
this week's weight: 265.75