yes, yes i really did need another hole in my head

2007 has, thus far, been pretty grand for me. even though i haven't accomplished as much as i would have liked at 25% of the way through the year, i feel like i've done a lot.

i'm finally me again. for those of you who have stuck by me through the last several months while i've been less than cheery, i appreciate it. sometimes, when you're in a situation that isn't good for you it's hard to see a time when things will be good again. luckily, i'm finally on the other side of that time, & i can see a time when things will be good again.

things are good right now.

i'm happy again. not deliriously so, but happy enough that it's noticeable to other people. i smile more, i'm more social at work, & i'm finally losing weight again. that's what stress does, packs on the pounds & keeps them there.

now, this wasn't on my list of 101 things, but it's something i have thought about doing for quite some time: this past sunday, i got my nose pierced. i will be posting a pic of it, i took several at home last night, but i didn't load them onto my imac from my camera yet.

i'm still getting used to having a facial piercing. i stare at myself in the mirror & i think i look wicked cute with the tiny pink titanium ball in my right nostril, but it's taking a lot of getting used to also.

because i got uber sick when i got my tongue pierced back in 2004, i asked jenn to come with me just in case i needed a nauseous driver to get me home. so i went to st. sabrina's here in the twin cities. & while i was handing over my license & getting my paper work to fill out, jenn goes up to the counter & decides, what the hell, she's in a body mod shop, she'll get pierced too. not her nose, her helix (upper ear/cartilage).

for the record, i did not in any way coerce miss jenn to pierce herself, she did that all on her own. so we signed our waivers, picked out jewelry (the afore mentioned pink titanium stud for moi, & a 16 gauge hoop for miss jenn). &we waited. & waited. & waited. i had no idea how many people would just randomly decide to pierce themselves on a drizzly sunday afternoon, otherwise i most certainly would have made an appointment.

jamie, our piercer, was very nice & definitely uber cute, in that pierced tattooed way that makes me swoon. he did miss jenn's ear first. & i'll be honest, i was going to watch, but at the last minute stared at her flip-flop clad feet because, well, i really didn't want to get sick before it was my turn to be poked.

even though i currently have a stud in my nose, i'm thinking i'll want a hoop some day, so i had it pierced so that either one will look good. now, ready for the dirty little secret of nose piercings? the after care, kinda, sucks, a bit. twice a day i get to mix up sea salt & warm distilled water, & sit with my nose in the glass for five minutes, wipe it with a qtip, & dip again for another five minutes. i swear, by the end of the three month healing time i'm going to have a permanent crescent on my face from pressing my nose into a glass of sea salt water. but, as long as it keep the infection away & helps the piercing to heal all cute & nice, then it's worth it, right?

jenn gets to lay with her head in a bowl of water. so *shrugs* six of one, half a dozen of the other, right?

all of this does bring up the question of motivation for body modification. i was asked why i felt i needed another hole in my head. & my response was that maybe i was just born missing this hole in my head & i'm not complete without it. i will admit there are some people who pierce or tattoo themselves to: fit in, be cool, piss of their parent/spouse/the world. but for me, in this life, it's all about evolution baby. it's about making myself into the person i am inside. & to be honest, i'm getting quite sick of being told i'm someone i'm not. so yes, i did need another hole in my head, it was missing. & yes, i need more tattoos. & yes, i'll keep on with the piercing & the tattoos until

until.

until?

until i'm done.

how's your snuffleupagus tendon doing?

*face palm*

so, week before last i was dead dog sick. & then, monday, my talented self managed to injure my left leg. i was running downstairs at home to get my wallet to make a phone payment & my left foot hit the riser & a sharp crippling pain hit my calf & suffice to say, i was limping for the rest of the day.

monday at work i spent the day icing my leg, keeping it elevating, & wondering how the hell i was going to manage to get through the last week of the competition in order to actually lose weight & possibly win this thing. because, on monday, i was barely walking. & by barely walking, i mean i was full on limping, dragging my left leg behind me, & doing a lot of whining. the icing & the advil helped, & by tuesday morning i wasn't so sure i needed to go to urgent care. but then after going to the bathroom & walking on it a bit, i figured, the $15 copay at urgent care was worth it to see what was happening with my leg.

& it's a good thing that i did. i felt like kind of an idiot when i was explaining everything to the nurse. & she looked at me kinda like i was an idiot. &, interestingly enough, i think she was looking at me like i was drug seeking. on my file they have me down as having a script for vicodin, which i do, & was filled once, no refills, back in october, from when i found out about my back problems. & admittedly, i limped in there, told her my ankle had been bugging me all weekend, which it had, & then monday morning i was rushing down my stairs, which i was, & i put my left leg down & felt a snap & then shooting pain, (which i did, on all three).

luckily for me, it wasn't the nurse who was diagnosing me, it was a nice older gentleman, dr. d we'll call him, who also happened to have diagnosed me with bronchitis back in march of 2006. he asked me about it, felt up my calf, caused some shooting pain, wincing, & a few involuntary tears, had me walk on my tip toes & told me that i had: plantaris tendon rupture. nice, eh?

basically, the plantaris tendon is a little used muscle on the back of the leg that runs from the ankle up to the knee, about the size of a pencil. it doesn't really DO anything, but when you injure it, the stupid little guy hurts like a mofo. the only upside, is that it shouldn't take too long to heal. i was given some heavy duty anti-inflammatory meds, told to alternate ice & heat as tolerated, elevate when needed, & try to baby it a bit. but, dr. d also told me i could still work out, as much upper body as i want (yippee!) & that i could walk, just to take it a bit easy & make sure i'm not doing anything to cause it pain.

so i'm still in the running for the money, wa-hoo! the only bad thing is since i can't hit the gym as hard core as i WANTED to, i need to be perfect about my food. no indulgence's at all. which kind of sucks, but also a good thing. since i only have about two & a half months left till my birthday, i got my kickass boots in the mail on monday, &, as expected, the high boots are not *quite* fitting my calves yet. boo.

even with being on the injured list i hit the Y yesterday for personal training with riley. who gave me lots of grief since jenn & i only made it in for our training sessions once last week & once the week before. *GULP* he didn't even give me much slack being on the injured list! although, i'll give him credit that he didn't make me do the jumps. & that he did ask me a couple of times how my leg was doing. & jenn even asked me how my "plant, er, uh, snuffleupagus tendon" was doing.

after today just four more days to lose as much weight as possible to try to win this thing. & you know what gang, i do want to win it. BUT, if i can just get into the 240's i would be ecstatic. so that would be ok with me too. maybe it's possible. lots of self discipline. pushing myself as i can. yeah, i'm beating myself up a bit because in the past eleven weeks i've "cheated" more than i should've, & the only one that hurts is me. i've also not worked as hard as i can. i let myself use the excuse of being: sick, tired, pms-ing, & anything else that i thought i could get away with.

on the upside, i've been getting lots of compliments at work on looking like i've lost weight. i'm not feeling as tired as at the start of the year. & i really do feel like i'm getting stronger. which are all really awesome improvements in my health.

week eleven update

so, week eleven of the competition, just one week to go, & i'm back to where i was before i got sick. jesus bobby. basically a whole two weeks wasted! 'cause i was feeling like crap, not able to work out as much, & my eating was so far from where it should have been, as well as my water intake, it's not even remotely funny.

i SO could be in first place right now if it wouldn't've been for that damn illness. blech. so now at 253.8, which, actually, is .8 above where i was two weeks ago, but a lot closer to where i wanted to be. i really really really REALLY wanted to make it to the 240's by the end of this competition. maybe, with a lot of hard work & discipline over the next week i can get down 4lbs & make it there.

ticker me:

momma needs a new pair of boots! & other tales

i have taken a blog vacation. not necessicarily willingly, as per my last blog, i've been sick. & not just the sniffles & a little tummy ache, but the full blown i'm-so-sick-i'm-bargaining-with-god-to-heal-me-or-put-me-out-of-my-freakin-misery-sick. i don't get sick like that often, thankfully, but this one was a doozie. i'm actually still pretty weak. it was not a pretty sight at weight lifting yesterday morning. i was very uncoordinated & barely able to pick up anything, at times not even my own feet! & the cardio has been rough too. i'm ready to die & throw in the towel after a minute & a half.

but i'm diligently taking my vitamin C, drinking my water & doing everything i can to get myself back in my fighting form: squishy.

have i mentioned that i LOATHE being sick? i mean, i know that no one, except hypochondriacs, really likes being sick. but i just am so upset at this whole illness thing. just when i was doing well with my workouts & my eating i get slammed with a virus & knocked down flat on the floor. ack! & it's something completely & totally out of my control. there's nothing i can really do to speed things up other than, rest, drink water, & wait. seriously, how passive is that?

the only real upbeat news that i have is that i ordered some boots on monday from the doc marten website. they sent me a 25% off coupon in my email & i decided i was for damn sure going to take advantage of it. *grins* so i bought my birthday boots, some funky pink leather boots, & some everyday kickin it boots. so, i'm currently stalking them via the internet on the ups tracking site. & i'm hoping that they get to my doorstep & in my hot little hands & on my feet early!

week 10 & i'm a sad panda : (

ok, i mean, not super duper sad, but definitely a little bit pouty. my weight went up, by almost 6 pounds this past week. which seems absolutely impossible to me. i got sick last week. i woke up tuesday morning violently ill & i've been working on getting healthy since then. i didn't even eat anything on tuesday! & barely ate on wednesday & thursday. & i know i wasn't eating super healthy food & drinking my normal deluge of water, but seriously, how do i gain that much weight in one week?! i didn't even indulge in alcoholic beverages to celebrate st. paddy's!

so here's the ticker showing my weight now at 258.8, again. so, just have to work hard & push myself to the breaking point. two weeks left of the competition, i can definitely still win, i'm not that much behind the leader. & then again, there's also the fact that there are only 85 days left before i turn 30! & i'll need to be healthy with lots of energy to chase around after tina & frank's baby boy (who is due to make his grand debut this summer!)

week 9 weigh in update

today's weigh in was VERY kind to me, down four pounds from last week! WOOT. i'll be honest, i don't know how that happens, why it happens, but i'll take it with a huge smile on my face. i now know, for really sure, that this is the lowest weight that i've been in a year, probably lower than all of 2006. & that is a great feeling.

i'm also getting lots of compliments from my coworkers, not like i'm in this for the recognition, cause it is a wee bit embarrassing at times to get noticed for not being SUCH a fat person. if that makes any sense.

as for the competition, i'm still in second place, but the gap between first & second is VERY close right now, so i'm working hard to try to surpass rochelle & take the gold. even if i don't, i'm still so happy with myself. just knowing how much i've accomplished makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. it also makes me even more motivated to keep going into the gym to work out harder so that i can shift this into overdrive for the last three weeks of the competition. i'm hoping to be very secure into the 240's by the time the competition ends on april 2.

besides, i still have those fm boots to buy for my birthday & i want them to look smokin hot by june the 15th!

nuff with the procrastinating! or so i thought. . .

i really thought that today was DO OR DIE day for me when it comes to the major life altering decision of the GB. i had it in my head that i had to know for 100% sure, none of that ept (99.999% sure) crap, that i really wanted to, or not wanted to, do the surgery. & further more that if i was indeed going ahead with the surgery i had to pick which surgery before i showed up at HCMC today. &, oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, i didn't have to be to that for really sure point.

which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.

even though, i really thought that i was.

if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.

let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?

maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.

granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.

so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.

all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.

what happened to my tuesday/thursday girls?

today riley totally called me out on my lack of exercise outside of the training sessions. granted, week before last i was sick, so i did have a pass then, but i wasn't sick last week, i was just kind of being lazy. i did go in for personal training on tuesday, & then again on thursday when jenn was out of town (& that one cost significantly more expensive!) but besides that i didn't go at all. no extra cardio. nothing at all. well...i did shovel snow for about 2-3 hours with the white out that we received at the end of last week, but yeah, doesn't really count.

so i'm down a total of 13.4 lbs from january 8th, which isn't too shabby, that's an average of 1.625 lbs a week. which is a pretty decent rate, if i can keep that up by the time my birthday rolls around i can have lost another 20-ish pounds, which i would definitely love. but, deep down, ok, not even really THAT deep, i know that if i just watch what i'm eating more closely & if i get in five days of cardio a week & five days of weight training that i can lose much more than that. sometimes it's really hard to find the motivation.

as lame as it is, often it's much more appealing to go home, watch the most recent episode of gilmore girls curled up under my covers, & that really is what i feel like doing tonight. just cocooning myself until tomorrow morning when i have to get up & go into work again. at this moment i'm thinking that i should go to the Y, even though i REALLY don't want to, then again, i did get an hour workout in this morning, weight training, but that doesn't help me toward the end of trying to get in those cardio sessions.

what did happen to riley's tuesday/thursday girls? is it just that with time your interest has peaks & valleys? is it the snow which makes everything so oppressive & makes you want to go home as quick as possible & get cuddled up into cozy blankets? is it because it's tuesday & i'm tired? because, despite my steady results, i still have a feeling that all of this really is way too much too handle? how about we just chalk it up to a couple of bad weeks, quit the whining, & start focusing on the long term goals again.

yeah, that sounds pretty dang decent.

another loss in week 8

eek! another 1.2 pounds down this week, nice little loss. less than what i want to be averaging prior to my 30th birthday blow out in cali, but not a gain, still a loss, & i know that i have to have these little ups & downs. but i'm still amazed at how well i've been doing lately.

& the odd thing is, in a way, it's hard for me to even imagine carrying around that extra 66lbs that i used to lug on a daily basis. this morning before work i carried downstairs a 40lb set of adjustable dumbbells that i bought at target last week. & i had to have both hands on the handle & move slowly because i was afraid that i was going to drop them & break my toes. but i used to walk around carrying that much weight on my body & not even notice it. amazing, isn't it? & very very sad, at the exact same time.

by now i'm not even super obsessed about winning the competition at work. i still want to win because i would use the money to buy a new ipod. but i'm more concerned about losing weight, permanently, building muscle, losing fat, & in general just becoming stronger. i'm also trying to look at my body as a machine. & in order for any machine to run well, you need good fuel, good maintenance, if you don't have that then of course it won't run well.

& finally, here's my happy little caterpillar & star:

can we say avoidance boys & girls?

today was supposed to be my surgical consult at HCMC. now, originally i was supposed to go in on february 9th, but i couldn't face the decision so i pushed it back two weeks to february 23rd, then the surgeon had to cancel & move it back one week to today, & then, using the blizzard that hit the cities last night as a (somewhat lame) excuse, i cancelled my appointment for today. i'll have to call the clinic & reschedule for *possibly* next week, the 9th of march, or else i may be waiting until march 23rd to finally see the surgeon.

it is very odd, in a way. because at the start of this whole thing way back in october it looked like by this date i would be post-op & eating my post surgery foods while my body recovered from the slicey-dicey. & now, i'm training twice a week with jenn & riley, setting up a home gym, & dodging the lovely gastric bypass folks over at HCMC. & i haven't figured out yet if i'm deliberately ditching the GB folks, or if i'm just delaying making the decision because i'm afraid of making the wrong one.

as of this exact moment i've decided to go ahead & give this whole thing one last go on my own. i've been doing a lot better in the last two months than i had been in the whole last quarter of 2006. & there's a lot behind that. i think part of it is, i'm simply less stressed. i still worry about money & i still have lots of bills to pay, but i'm not freaking out as much as before. i still have to finish my thesis & i'm still not writing enough, but i feel like some of the mental cobwebs are leaving. i'm still FAT, but i'm actually losing weight now: slowly, but still losing. & i'm finally doing the things i need to do for myself to be healthy. i'm taking time to relax & think about what i want. i'm putting myself first. & i'm saying NO, a lot, & not in a mean way, but just no to all the things that will distract me, that i would only do because someone else wanted me to do, & all the things that i know will just sabotage me as i try to make myself over into the person i want to become.

i'm not saying i haven't had my rough moments in 2007, cause they have definitely been there. & i won't even try to say that i haven't had any indulgences, because i've had my fair share of chocolate delights, but i haven't had any alcohol since new year's day, a small kalua & milk when the canadia porn train stopped in flint, michigan. & i've been exercising every week, some weeks only two or three days, but still doing it. & feeling so much better, my body is getting so much stronger.

so then, since i'm doing SO well on my own, why am i afraid of going into HCMC & telling them, thanks, but no thanks? maybe it's because if i really do that, & then i fail on my own, again, i'll feel like the biggest moron on earth crawling back to them again just to start the whole process all over again. i also feel like, once i do that, go in & tell the surgeon i want one last shot on my own, that i'll be really committed to actually succeeding all on my own. & being on my own in the weight loss game is a scary thing for me.

the logical side of me says i'm not alone. i have lots of cheerleaders, my family & friends, & even some of my coworkers at both jobs. & then there's specifically jenn who makes me work out with her & gives me the evil eye if i'm eating chocolate OTHER THAN my twice a day calciums. & riley who is sweet enough to let me pay him to kick my ass from one side of the Y to the other twice a week.