i met the devil today, & boy does he taste good!

jack & i were watching unwrapped on the food channel last week & we saw this wonderful treat being made, cinnapretzels. & we drooled, & i lusted, & we both agreed whole heartedly that they sure did look scrumdiddlyumptious. basically they're a pretzel with huge chunks of cinnamon baked in & then they have a mini-cinnabon placed in the center. then they're served with some icing over the minibon & a cup of icing for dipping. now seriously, doesn't that sound awesomely delicious?

today at target we encountered the devil himself in the target snack bar! & while i was off trying to be a good girl & get my meds jack bought a cinnapretzel with a coke zero. seriously, by the time you're consuming that many calories & that much sugar, how can a diet pop really matter? but that aside, it tasted divine. all hot & gooey & sugary-cinnamony fantastic. i died a wee little bit. totally foodgasmic.

now before i get a million & a half comments saying "yo, quit eating the sweets if you don't wanna be a fat bitch forever" i do realize that indulging like this basically makes all the hard work i'm doing futile. but to that i'll say, well at least i'm exercising instead of eating crap food & then sitting on my ass watching jerry springer. & it's not like i'm going to run to target every day & get a cinnapretzel & wash it down with a coke zero, but it was nice to try it. & it's really yummy. & i wouldn't be opposed to sharing one with my lovely fiance now & again. maybe we could get one of those international coffees to go with it so we could have a conversation spoken in nothing but fragments.
"this reminds me of..."
"that time in iowa...."
"when we went..."
"& then you...."
ok, i want to slap myself right now, holy crap that's annoying even in jest.

so if you're looking for a sugar high head over to a target food avenue & find one of those pretzels. they're chewy, sugary, cinnamony, & a wondrous treat for your taste buds. but be forewarned, they really are evil too.

& my buns, they don't feel nuthin' like steel

name that movie quote for a half a million brownie points.

on my lunch i did the stairs at work, again. supposedly if you use stairs it helps get your butt firmed & lifted up, somewhat similar to all those butt videos out there. granted, this is only the second day in a row that i've done the whole set of stairs at work, but i've been doing other glute work & still no visible results. i am still doing the ass checks. so i've felt my butt & it's not resembling steel to me, but who knows, it might to someone else. now my dear boy is not reading this blog, so he won't get this request. i'm thinking of getting someone to feel my posterior & tell me if it's getting firmer at all.

yeah, that may be asking a lot of a friend, i'm not sure that friendship goes that far. i know that jenn wouldn't do my ass check for me, so there's no way she'll do a feel test to see if my jello-esq booty is becoming less jiggly & more solid. so do i have anyone in the audience that could assist me with this? my preference is a friend, someone that i already know. i mean, it'd be simply fabulous if jack would do this for me, but i'm slightly miffed he's not reading my blog. not like i'm holding a grudge or anything, but seriously guys, i'm a writer & my fiance isn't reading my writing. that just isn't right, no matter what the color of the sky is in your world.

i also did a long workout again today. two whole days in a row, wow, add a third one & we can have the start of a bonifide roll. obviously i can't do the stairs on the weekends, but as my video shelf can corroborate that i have more than enough exercise dvds & vhs to work out everyday for a few hours at home without becoming bored. weekends can just be the death of workouts & good eating habits. it seems like the weekends are typically a time to relax, chill out, chillax, whatever. a time to give yourself a rest from work & structure & all that jazz. for me that usually involves booze & something yummy with lots of melted cheese & of course, dessert. then monday comes around & i feel so incredibly shitty because i goofed off all weekend, ate crap food & didn't do any more activity than was absolutely required of me.

it's friday evening, quitting time for most people, i still have another three hours & forty minutes, & my second break left of my working day. i do work at the group home all weekend, so i'm going to use that as an excuse for why i won't be doing a couple hours of exercise each day this weekend. but i'll set a modest goal. 30 minutes, or more, each day of some kind of exercise. even just walking the puppy on a meandering stroll counts because it's keeping me out of the house & away from the cookies.

i've talked with some of my friends that have the same issue. they've been perfect angels all week, watching what they eat, getting all their water in, working out for at least 30 minutes each day, & then the weekend hits, out comes the jag-bombs & it's the top of a nice slip&slide weekend of my two favorite sins, gluttony & sloth. why must alcohol be such a diet no-no? i like my booze. it gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling. & it makes karaoke possible for most of the free world. but i also know that my favorite drink what happens in vegas stays in vegas is wickedly bad for me caloricly, so it's best to just say no. eeek! does this mean i'm agreeing with nancy reagan?!

speaking of body parts which are not steel, i'm still having issue with my mitendorfs. (see blog re-frickin-dic-u-lous, seriously for definition) my entire twenty minutes of weight lifting this morning was concentrated on my upper arms, specifically that flappity-flap-flap part. i do know that it's the hardest part of the body to firm up, it's not like i'm new to this whole rodeo, gang. will it actually help firm those up if i do an hour of upper body each day? i'm serious, i could commit to an hour a day if it meant that my upper arms didn't look like they were two feet wide & filled with chunky pudding anymore. but would that intensity be beneficial or harmful?

give it time. to that statement i give a big wet raspberry. i'm sick of giving it time. time is something i just don't have enough of. & why does it have to be so fucking hard? i mean, most of the world is not fat. most of them can just sit down to eat & not agonize over every single forkful. & frankly, it's not fun anymore. if it wasn't for the fact that i get violently ill when i don't eat often enough i most likely wouldn't bother. too much of my day is spent thinking about food, planning what i'll buy, what i'll eat, counting the seconds until that next break when i can get something to nibble. somehow i've developed a very dysfunctional relationship when it comes to food. i have admitted this in an addict comes clean. & yeah yeah yeah, admitting you have a problem is the first step. well i've admitted it & i'm not feeling any better. like i've said before, if i was a junkie i could be tossed in rehab, detoxed, & come out with a chance. what the hell do you do with a food addict? it feels like i'm set up to fail, cause i can't quit it & i can't get the help i need.

for god's sake get me to the church on time

first off, a million brownie points to whomever can name not only that tune but also where it's from.

first off, the health care system is an evil beast & just might be the anti-christ. yes, i know, i work there & i shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, literally. & i'm not really biting it, just saying it's not a nice master. i've mentioned this before but my fiance has much better health coverage than i do. he just has copays for almost everything & then 100% coverage. he does have a small deductible related to hospital stays & surgeries, but over all a very nice plan. i on the other hand have a $1000 deductible, then it's 85%/15% until i reach my max oop (out of pocket) of $2,000, then my plan starts paying at 100%. & they won't cover lots of stuff.

get this, my insurance would rather pay for: sleep studies, medications, injuries, & chronic illnesses (ie diabetes) that are caused by obesity rather than help people recover from obesity so that they won't have those problems. yeah. i know. totally ricoculous. jack's however will pay for dieticians, nutritionists, & everything up to & including obesity surgery. so we decided that in order for me to really get the help that i need i'll have to go on his insurance. yes, adding me on will be lots of cash, but averaging that with how much we'll be paying to cover my exorbitant deductible & out of pocket we'll actually end up even & i'll have better coverage. even his drug coverage is better!

the sticky issue then becomes, what qualifies as a dependent? some plans do have the whole domestic partner thing which can apply to straight couples also, depending on the policy. but more & more policies are defining domestic partners as "same sex couples." which would leave me out in the cold on this one. jack does need to call up big blue to find out their definition.

in the mean time, i realized last week that i'm really & truly ready to be married to this man. now he still drives me up the wall, sometimes to the shaking point (you know, the point where i just want to shake him hard? which, of course, i never do), but i also love him with all of my heart. & not to be sappy, but he makes me a better person. so while staring at my wall at work last week, which i do way too often to be healthy, i realized that i am ready to be married to him & in a way it already feels like i'm married to him. awwwww..... [insert sappy sigh]

when i texted this info to my fabulous boy he sent back "Now?! Pack yer bags we are going to vegas" & i really did have to talk him out of vegas because he was primed & ready to call in sick to work for two days & drive out to sin city to tie the knot. he was so terribly cute, by the way, all giddy & happy & really wanting to be married like five minutes ago.

& all of this got me to thinking. why not? i love him, i want to be married to him, & he loves me, he wants to be married to me. why wait? i will still have my big wedding next year because i've put money down on stuff & i'm way too freakin' cheap to waste that. i also have my gorgeous passion princess dress ordered & it won't be in until october. it would also solve that whole sticky situation of not living together until we're married.

the one problem i potentially see with this whole situation is the families. i can see people saying "why have a wedding in 2007 if you guys are already married?" a valid question, it is. my gut response is the answer of: because. which is not really an answer at all, at least according to my parents & every teacher i've ever met. getting married this summer would be a technical legality to make some things in our lives possible. things that would, in the long run, be mega beneficial to us both. the wedding planned for 7-7-7 would be my dream wedding, & as most anyone can attest to, dreams take time to come true.

right now we're trying to decide if we are going to get married this summer & if so when. jack is thinking he'd like to go to vegas & have a vegas wedding. & he wants to do it as soon as possible. maybe he's thinking i have millions tucked away somewhere & wants to marry me to get at my wondrous estate. just kidding : ) i know that he really loves me for me. as an aside, since he's not actively reading my blog i have to tease a little so that i'll actually know when he does check it out.

the summer is nearly done & before i know it fall will already be here. if we're going to get married this summer we'll have to jump on it soon. it's tempting to get married on july 7 so that when we get married next year it's on our one year anniversary, but that's a two weeks away & seems incredibly soon to do something like that.

so be honest & brutal gang, am i being super impetuous & should i just back off, take a deep breath & just wait until our planned date of next year? i can be the kind of chica who leaps before she looks. & i really don't want to end up with a shattered ankle because this quarry is too shallow. take that how you will. i'm not doubting marrying my boy at all, i'm just debating on this timing. so far everyone i've mentioned this to is very supportive & think it's a great idea. one of my friends even told me that she already thinks of me as married. that was a compliment, right?! & lately i haven't exactly been thinking straight, more like in pyschedelic spirals. would it be totally & completely bizarre? or am i worrying too much about "the others" & not enough about what jack & i really want for our lives? could we really make it work getting married now? or would it be financially devastating? are we really ready to be legally bound to each other? & what about the taxes? will the government screw us blue on our taxes? will lassie get to the well on time? so many questions.

re-frekin-dic-u-lous, seriously

ok, every time i say "wow, that was the low point of my weight loss journey" another one pops up to say "oh no no, i can beat that one, no problem." new birthday year rule number one: quit acknowledging new dips in the road as "the lowest low" of my weight loss journey. it seems to be a very bad thing for me to do to myself.

so the newest pothole in the road is a doozey. any one who's been to the doctor's office has had their blood pressure taken, & so you know that they have two sizes of blood pressure cuffs: normal person & fat person. well i just found out today that there is indeed a third size: really really super fat person. ack! now i've got big upper arms, & it's not from getting ripped & pumping iron. i have jumbo mitendorfs (a term coined by a co-worker based on her maternal families predisposition to flapping upper arms & lovingly given their surname) & i admit that i have big upper arms. but they've always strapped that fat person blood pressure cuff & pumped their merry way into a nice bruise on my upper arm & we've all been just peachy keen with the whole deal.

today at the doctor's office the nurse, who really is a sweet fellow by the way, grabbed the jumbo fat person cuff on the way into the exam room, except i didn't know that was what it was until a few moments later. so the nurse basically asked me which one they used & i gave him this total deer-in-the-headlights-dumbfounded-wtf look, because i was genuinely confounded. so he wrapped the fat person cuff around my right mitendorf, tilted his head, & told me if it was too tight it'd give a false high reading, so we better use the other one. so my blood pressure today was recorded using the ultra super huge fat person blood pressure cuff. which was not a pleasant sensation after stepping on the scale & realizing that my weight had gone up 6lbs in the last month.

wtf. i mean seriously. wtf.

i've been averaging about three days a week of exercise at an hour & a half on each of those days. now admittedly i did have my weekend of horror a couple weeks back with the too much booze & the car accident (not related to each other, if you'll recall). & i had my birthday in there, so i've been indulging my wicked cravings somewhat. but seriously, that's a pound & a half a week, on average, since i saw my doctor in may. the scale is moving at a steady pace in the exact wrong direction.

wah, wah, wah, want some cheese with that whine? i can already hear the comments. & yup, i'm being a bit of a whiney biotch & i acknowledge it. but i have come up with a kind of plan. i think i just need to take short walks on the other days. my puppy is so hyper i swear he's eating espresso beans when i'm not home. so i should take his bouncy little behind on some walks to get rid of all that excess energy. & evidently it's one of the best forms of exercise. although my guess is that billy blanks would heartily, & loudly, disagree with me on that one. also, i realized that this whole getting home at 9-ish & then eating dinner thing just really doesn't work for me. so i'll be spending some extra money & buying ten lean cuisines each week so that i can have lunch & dinner at work & then if i really really want to, i can have a small snack when i walk in the door.

on my way into work i thought no time like the present, so i bought some extra "diet" meals so that i could have lunch & dinner at work today. which means at lunch time, which is about quarter to four, i won't be eating a meal since i'll be doing that when i get here & at my last break. so thanks to jenn, who set the horrible example & kinda dared me. i walked down the stairs & then back up them today on my lunch. so from the fifth floor to the first & then back up. around the third floor, on the way to the fourth, i started experiencing vertigo & i swore that my head was going to spin itself right off my neck ala exorcist & my body would then tumble down the stairs until i hit a concrete wall with a nice loud crunch. i did make it to the top, hyperventalated, & then went on my merry way.

my doctor is also recommending that i move out of my parents house, my advisor for my thesis is recommending that too. when i shared an apartment with my sister i was doing so much better on exercising & losing weight. i was the master of my space & i made sure that i had the room to work out. i also didn't bring any junk food into the house because i didn't want to eat it. so if the chips/cookies/pepsi/ice cream aren't there, they're not getting put in my face. 'cause let's be honest, if i get a craving i'm usually too lazy to go out to the store to pick up the wonderful fatty tasty treats. think my doctor would write a prescription saying that jack & i need to move into our own apartment due to a health condition that's being aggravated by my current living situation? (keep in mind folks, i love my mom dearly dearly dearly, but she's so catholic that it hurts. no boom-boom before the vows, ya know?) i may have to investigate that option. & see if a portion of the rent would be covered by my policy because it's medically necessary.

beckah's new baby

now before i get a million & a half emails/phone calls/comments/text messages: NO, i am not pregnant. i'm talking about my new birthday present.

back story would be nice right about now, huh? so long story short i played guitar for a while back in high school, think junior-senior year-ish. i wasn't very good, i could peck out a tune or so with my book in front of me. i never really gave it the time or attention that i should have. previous to that i played both piano (which i had taught myself the basics of) & violin. i'd been told by my violin teacher, mr. reeve, that i was a natural musician & it was a shame that i wasted my talent. yeah, i wasn't so into the violin back then. anyway, fast forward > > > > >

so i'm thinking on all of the things that i want to do with my life before my myspace page becomes linked with mydeathspace. one of the things that i really regretting giving up was music. i love music, i love singing, as anyone who's been in my truck, car, or shower can testify to, eventhough i'm not particularly good at it. but i'm a terribly creative person, i just love art. writing being my main passion, i also enjoy painting, drawing, collage, photography, & etc.

at the top of my "things to do before becoming infamous & dead" is re-learning a musical instrument, right next to dream in french again. i am being serious on both of those, do you want to see my yellow legal pad? i am the proud owner of an electric guitar that i bought off my good friend joey back in high school, that's also the last time the guitar had any work done on it. & i'm the keeper of my father's acoustic, which is in need of much tlc & a little shellac.

as i sat & thought about what i wanted for my birthday it hit me, or was that the tequila? a guitar would be a great gift. i bounced the idea off my beloved who agreed. my original thought was to get one of those "packages" with everything the beginner needs in one nicely packaged box! i ran the idea past my parents & they were cool with it too.

per jenn i decided on an acoustic, she said it's probably best for a beginner, & i still do have a serviceable electric that miss jenn is working on despite the fuzzy black horse decal. she & i even took a field trip on saturday to pick out a "kit." since that was what i basically had in mind, that's all we looked at. although she fondled a $6,000 acoustic guitar & i ogled a pink electric. i held the fender, strummed it a little, & thought, "yeah, this could do." then on sunday jack wanted to go to guitar center too since he missed on the outing due to work.

somewhere between jenn & i's saturday trip & jack & i's sunday trip my sweetie put the notion of a black acoustic in my fevered little brain, which made me drool, just a bit. he & i scoured the black acoustics & i didn't like the look of any of them, until we were about to leave, when i saw my baby hanging out near the doors with an outrageous price tag hanging down. ok, not really outrageous for guitars, but compared to our original range, wicked out there. & i picked him up & fell in love & cried a little when i had to go home.

now my parents didn't get me anything for my 27th or 28th birthdays, so they were going to get me a new bike to go along with my drive to be fit. i do have an older bike, that needs some work, but i kind of wanted a new one. i've been looking since february but haven't found one that suited me. so i proposed a deal. i'd skip the bike, have three birthdays going to my guitar, plus my sister went in with my 'rents & my betroved.

& yesterday i went to pick my baby up in roseville. i also got a nice gig bag to keep him safely swaddled & a pink glitter guitar strap (seriously, what else? ok, i almost got the fuzzy pink & black leopard print, but jack put the kabosh on that one) & of course my new baby. my electric is an ibanez too, a kind of cream color. isn't he gorgeous? & last night when i was playing around with him i realized that he has his very own built in tuner, wicked awesome. i bought myself a chord book to use until i can find my old one, & i'm really psyched to start learning again.

exercise & the ADD person

so exercise can be a pain the rump for someone with ADD. now, i'm no where near as bad as my sweetie, i love him, don't get me wrong, but he is even more easily distracted than i am, which says a lot! anyway. i was working out this morning in the gym here at work & i realized after about, oh, a minute & a half on the elliptical, that i was bored silly.

now it's not like i'm a freak & i don't have an mp3 or other conveyance of music, because i do have an ipod. & since i'm almost always alone in my work gym i have the tv on. today i was watching gilmore girls, which i love. it was even an episode that i've never seen in its entirety which is a double bonus. but even with gilmore girls on i was bored senseless.

how come i can sit at home on the couch barely moving except for my remote hand & i'm completely fine? but put me on an elliptical in front of a tv & suddenly i'm bored & restless, even though i'm technically moving? it's an interesting phenomenon. it's like my body & mind know that exercise is good for me, but they're resisting it with every fiber of their being.

this is making it sound like i absolutely loathe the act of exercising, which i really don't at all. i'm not going to claim that i was little miss athletic back in school because i wasn't. i hated gym with a white hot burning seething passion. but that's also because schools tend to make gym a miserable place for bookish kids who don't excel at sports. that being said, at this point in my life i really do enjoy working out.

i love that feel of my muscles being sore from pushing myself harder than i did the last time. the endorphin rush of a good work out. feeling exhausted & refreshed at the same time. i'll admit, i don't really dig the whole covered in sweat deal, but a shower after a good work out feels fabulous, so that part evens out just fine.

so it's been established that i love working out, yet i get incredibly bored when i'm at the gym. occasionally i get bored at home doing my workout videos, but usually with those there's so much switching between activities & segments that i really don't have time to be bored at all. i'm not really sure what the answer to this is at all. because i do feel torn on the issue. (yup, there goes that whole freakin' gemini-two-minds thing again). today i really loved the feeling when i got off the elliptical after an hour & my legs were burning & i felt like i had really done my absolute best to push myself as hard as possible. & it was really great counting the reps aloud on the weight machines & mentally telling myself that just one more & i'd be done.

anyone have a cure for the workout boredom? i don't always do the exact same thing when i go to the gym, but i still sometimes feel like i could be doing something else with my time. eventhough i know all i would do is sit on my ass & watch tv or plop myself in front of my computer & mindlessly net surf.

yeah, i know, just quit your whining. that energy can be better used else where. but i can't be the only ADD exerciser out there. i know that somewhere someone is bored to tears after a few seconds on their treadmill/bike/elliptical/etc. & we need to find a way to get over the restless nature that makes us want to wander far far away from the gym & do something else, just about anything else.

'cause i said so

today's my birthday & i almost, almost, stepped on my scale this morning, & then i decided that really wasn't the right way to start off a new year of my life, obsessing about my weight. now granted, i can't continue to out & out ignore it as i have in the past. & that isn't my intention at all. but i really am trying to get my attitude straightened out & getting all depressed on my birthday because my weight is still in the 260's is not the way to do that. especially considering i'm still feeling uber shitty about the whole accident thing & the fact that it is very certain that my insurance rates are going to go up. BLECH.

& the results on my 2 week goals.
N drink 96oz water/day
N make my bed every day
N workout 10 of the next 14 days for at least 60min/day
N write at least 28 poems
N eat out only twice

N say one nice thing about myself each day
N write for an average of 1 hour/day
Y attempt my firm workouts at least once
N take my puppy for 5, or more, walks
N get my hair cut
Y get my 'lock lexxy up 1 level
N no eating after 9pm
N take the stairs at work once (up & down)
Y write ten blogs

not sure great stats, huh? i'm happy that i did get three of the fourteen accomplished. & the answers to all of these are not so cut & dried, it's not like i completely failed. i was doing fabulous on the water until this past weekend when i got sick, i haven't gotten back on track since then. for all of the rest of them i accomplished them somewhat, it's not like i made this list & then completely forgot about it. ok, admittedly, the hair cut is either a yes or no & i just didn't have the time to get into my stylist. & i really didn't want to part with that money right now.

i do recognize that giving myself a long to-do list just doesn't work for me. i need things in smaller bites. i need to make more things a habit before jumping into a bunch of goals. because if i attempt to do too many things at once i'm not going to really accomplish any of them. i am very much a creature of habit, just ask jack. sometimes it drives him absolutely batty, but i do find comfort in my routines & habits.

it's widely accepted that it takes two to three weeks for a behavior to actually become a habit. & if you think about it, that's a whole lot of work, making sure to do something every single day of the week, especially for someone so ADD as myself. & my focus isn't always the best, ask just about anyone who's known me for more than a day. two weeks. that takes us to june 29th, basically the end of the month. starting today i will drink 64-96oz of water every day. i will also work out for a minimum of 3-5days for 30+minutes per day. now i know that i'm capable of more. i know i can drink 96oz of water per day. & i can do an hour & a half, or more, work out on a given day. the trick is to do both of these so often that they're second nature to me.

my 29th year. i gotta make it rock, folks. & i vow that this time next year, when i hit the big 3-0 i will not, under any circumstances, weigh over 200 lbs. ok, if i'm eight months pregnant with triplets or something, then it might be acceptable. but otherwise, nope, nada, it just ain't gonna happen. as god is my witness, as god is my witness, i'll never be fat again.

gimme some guns 'n roses

turn down the treble, turn up the bass, & crank the volume. & some how that makes it all better. feeling the drum beat work it's way into my skin & blood, altering the beating of my heart. it's always alright with axel & slash & november rain mixed with sweet child o mine.

let's take this show on the road

i just found out, about half an hour ago, that i'm going on a business trip for work. seriously, who'd've ever thought that i would be saying those words? not i, said the fly. i'm going to new jersey, i've never actually been there, i've flown through there, over it, but never "hung" out there. the one upside is that i'll be within an hour of manhattan, so i might be able to head there. also, my sister & niece live in connecticut so i may call them & see if they're able to travel out to see me for dinner or something. otherwise, it'll be an interesting experience, to say the least.

one of the things i said after josh & jack & i got back from san francisco is that i wouldn't travel again until i'd lost 50lbs. i know there is absolutely no way to do that in the next two weeks. but this is also something that i'm doing for work, so it's not like i chose to go on a trip, which means all that i can do is my very best. i will be packing my lap top & some dvds so that i can do some exercise dvds in my hotel room. i don't even know if the hotel has a gym or anything. hmmm. interesting. i may have to investigate this hotel.

>>>>

investigation done. & dayum. it's a very nice looking place. wa-hoo. i won't gloat too much because jenn hates me : ( j/k she doesn't hate me, but is wicked jealous because her family lives in vermont so they could visit her if she were going to new jersey.

maybe this is a good thing. traveling for work. on the one hand i'm excited to go, & on the other i really want to just stay here with my yogi. guess it's all part of that whole unease that i've been dealing with lately. i'm sure that it's going to be a good thing for me to go & do this testing for my work. definitely a time for me to shine.

as always the whole "fat phobia" is rearing its ugly head. when i just talk to people on the phone i don't have a "fat voice." i sound cute, spunky, vibrant, & sexy as hell. but in person, well, my opinion is that i'm not exactly any of that. so i kind of hate having to meet people that i've talked with lots on the phone because i usually feel this disappointment when they see me. some of the people i'll be working with there are ones that i've been working on this extra project with at work. & besides that whole crushing of a preconceived notion thing, there's also the fact that, no matter what anyone tells you. often times people see fat people as less competent, stupid, lazy, & gross. it doesn't matter that that notion is completely insane & untrue. it's still alive & well here in america.

i'm not looking for sympathy or reassuring cooing at this point. because, the truth of it is, no matter how much the people around me think these are ludicrous fears, the fact is, they still exist & are very real for me. i hate to call them demons, because it seems to give them too much credit. but these are some of the fears that haunt me.

let's just hope that the number of panic attacks in the next two weeks is kept to a bare minimum & that i don't make too much of an ass of myself.

the plane ride is also wigging me out. i was so uncomfortable on my last trip because i'm bigger than i want to be & people hate flying next to a fat person they don't know. trust me, i'm an expert at this one. i've seen the dread & the repulsion when people realize that i'll be the one sitting next to them. as if because i'm fat i have some horrible incurable disease that will at any moment strike them down. like i said earlier, nothing i can do about it at this point, but i can do my best to make sure that the next time i travel after this i'm smaller than i am now. even 30lbs would make a world of difference.

maybe i'll bring my bon jovi new jersey cd, because, well, everything's better with bon jovi.

meditation & other hokey new age stuff

a year ago i was fairly at peace with myself. dare i say, even happy? i was at the lowest weight of my adult life, i had a fabulous new guy in my life who treated me (& still treats me) like a goddess, i had found joy in writing again, & i felt like i finally- really & truly honest injun- had a good handle on my life.

the last time before then that i can recall having peace in my life was winter of '95/spring of '96. at that time i had begun researching wicca & i was meditating on a regular basis. i was giving myself the cosmic space that my physical self needed. my meditations got to the point where i was verging on the edge of energy play & lucid dreaming. if i would've kept it up i'd probably be an expert at both of them.

these are the only two times that i can remember not waking up most days with some sense of self loathing. now back in the 1990's i was still a pretty big gal, but i was a happy big gal. i let people take pictures of me, & when i looked at those pictures at the time i thought i was cute. now it makes me want to vomit, but that's another issue. so the disconnect between the physical space that my being took up makes me think that my happiness is most likely not weight related. i was definitely pushing 300 in the mid-nineties, but it was still a good time for me.

the two things these things have in common is meditation & giving my mind the chance to wander where it will. how did i come to this conclusion? please refer to the posting wwskd. i was just reading on writing (seriously, if you haven't read it you really really should) & he was talking about a mental space that he had built for his writing. & it made me pause & say to myself "self, maybe i need to create a mental space for writing." ok, yeah, a total duh moment, but not all epiphanys are light bulb moments.

somewhere at home i still have my cedar incense that i burned nearly every day last year. i used the smell of cedar to help transport me away from my apartment, my monetary worries, all the other little bullshit in life that interferes. i won't be trite & say it took me to a happy place, but it took me to where i needed to be. & maybe that's not such a bad thing.

routine can be a powerful tool when it comes to the human mind. in a way we can condition our selves in a similar way to that of pavlov's dogs. one action will automatically make us primed for another action. for myself, brushing my teeth makes me want to go to the bathroom. probably because every night before i go to bed i a) brush my teeth & then b) go to the bathroom. so routine has ingrained in me a desire to pee after brushing my teeth. sorry if that was a tmi, but it illustrates this point beautifully.

now extend that. when i used to meditate i would often burn incense too. so it became an olfactory trigger for my brain. cedar burning=relax=write. i could have worse habits, ala hemingway or hunter s. thompson, who took the chemical route to writing enlightenment. i'm not saying that's necessarily wrong, although definitely not endorsed by the medical association or your friendly neighborhood doctor.

at a time where i know very little i do have a few known factors. #1 i can't continue with this depression #2 at this time i'm wasting my writing talent #3 something needs to be done to fix #1 & #2. like any historian will tell you "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." in this case my history has some good things to teach me, so there's no reason for me to take the hard way if i can take myself back to what has worked for me before.

updated info for blog readers

for all of my loyal readers i wanted to let you know that i changed my settings so that anyone can leave comments on my blog, you don't have to be a registered user of blogger. i would ask that you please claim your comments. other than that, thanks for visiting & i look forward to reading your comments.

cheers.

wwskd

wwskd=what would stephen king do

so anyone who knows me in the least little bit knows that stephen king is my idol. there are lots of other writers that i admire (keep checking my profile, i'll add more), but king is by far the one who i most idolize. i hesitate to use the word idolize because there are so many negative associations with that word. hero is kind of close, but also not accurate. maybe it's best to say that when i grow up i want to be stephen king, except, not male. & i don't want to grow up.

i admire his honesty & candor. i won't give away the whole story, but if you've read on writing you know what i mean, & if you haven't read on writing you need to. go out & get the book. i'll wait.

>>>>>

so what'd you think of the book, pretty good, eh? i'm a huge fan of his & i can list off a few other must reads. one of them is the eyes of the dragon. good good stuff there. but enough advertising, i'm not getting paid for the promotion : )

it's that brutal honesty that i applaud. but beyond that it's his tenacious nature. in the book he talks about being so flat busted that he & his wife didn't even have a phone because they couldn't afford the bill. he talks about living on that edge of poverty that is such a scary place to exist. i remember that place from my childhood. i fear that place.

he also talks about continuing to write despite having a family to feed & real grown up obligations. that he worked so that he could write. now that last sentence is a paraphrase, but the general gist that i got from those sections of his book. he made the time to write because it was something that mattered to him, that drove him.

i claim to be a writer. & i claim to have that same driving passion. & i really believe i do. but all of that is tempered by fear. at this point i can't even put a voice to all of the fears that i have rolling around inside of my head. like i've said before, fear is an awful awful thing. sure, it can keep us from that infamous dark alley & unknown horrors. but it can also keep us from doing. it's this latter part that's giving me the problems right now.

which takes me back to my blog title, wwskd. seriously, i need that on a tshirt. & a bumper sticker. the answer to that one is simple. he'd write. a simple answer, but not such a simple solution for me. it's something i've been having a lot of trouble with as of late.

what does all of this have to do with weight loss? well like a very wise person said to me today, "self image, self esteem, eating, weight loss, writing, it's all tied up together." once again, a paraphrase, but the general meaning is there. & right now i'm struggling with all of those. i am such a typical gemini in that i'm flighty & a lot of my actions are mood dependent. & right now my mood is in the crapper. so that tells you where all of the rest of that is at this time. once again, seems like a simple solution. but it's not as easy as it seems. it's pretty tough to simultaneously work on all the things that you need to make yourself feel better.

i guess it's back to one day at a time, or hour, or minute. whatever helps me get through. not like i'm trying to sound like a twelve step program or anything. but i've been told by some of the people closest to me that i'm scaring them. & that was never my intention. & it bothers me that that is the effect that my dark moods have been having on the people that i love the most. & while i'm having a hard time believing in myself & caring about me right now, i do still care about them. at least that's something to work towards.

call me lab rat #61577B

so if splenda causes cancer then just call me rat #61577B, 'cause i'm probably close to od-ing on the junk. i'm on my third cup of coffee for the day, with four packets of splenda per, some how i don't think that's too good for my health. what do you think, dear reader? but it tastes pretty yummy & no calories, unlike it's cousin sugar. seriously though, if it causes cancer it may not be a good thing for me to consume in large quantities.

i'm trying valiantly to have an about face on my attitude here, & per jenn "you can't change the past, it's hard not to dwell sometimes, but you can't change it." seriously guys, i love her dearly, but sometimes she sounds like a fortune cookie. & that is, of course, said with the utmost affection. it is great to have friends around that listen to you bitch & moan & then tell you to stop being a drama queen, someone else needs the tiara.

three days til my birthday & i won't be making most of my short term goals. let's see, 28 poems? hmmm, yeah, if i do them all in the next three days, that's only about 7 per day. five puppy walks? as long as i do two in one day, still slightly doable. the into the 250's by the 15th, unlikely considering i'm not the starve & purge type of girl, just not my thing. i've actually managed to blow most of these. how did two weeks go by so fast?

i really wish the world would just slow down, give me a minute to think, to do something. but i blink & it's not only tomorrow but the day after. somehow i'm guessing this is not a good thing, to have such disconnects with time. i hope i'm not the only one who feels the world speeding up & not getting enough done & having days literally flow past.

on the upside, i can now taste again. so much for my perfect weight loss solution. drats! maybe that one isn't an upside, but jack is happy that i can taste food again, so i guess that counts for something.

i have about an hour & a half left at work tonight. well, to be exact an hour & 21 minutes. so maybe if i'm quick like a bunny i can get two or three poems written tonight. which would be fabulous since i'm meeting with my advisor tomorrow & i need to have some new work to hand in to her. work that i was supposed to have in last month. seriously fucking up. big time.

no snappy comments inside:

i'm pretty down today. i nearly had alcohol poisoning this past weekend & then to top that off i got in a car accident sunday on my way home.

you ever just wake up feeling like a complete & total fuck-up? i'm at that point right now. feeling like i just can't get it right. nothing. like i'm not so good at living this life.

no, i'm not going to off myself, so don't worry about that one. it's a selfish action & i wouldn't do that to my family.

but that doesn't change the fact that i really want to curl up in a dark hole & have the world pass me by.

i'll do my best to get back to my chipper self soon. but being happy all the time is hard. & it makes it all the more apparent you're depressed when you really just want people to leave you alone & not notice any of that.

evidently i've angered the scale gods

so i weighed myself in the locker room here at work wednesday after my work out. i even serepitiously gotten out of ALL of my gym clothes & quickly stepped on the scale, the numbers bumped all around from the 230's-260's before landing on 249. i will admit that i did a wee bit of a jig on my way into the shower stall, even though i knew there was absolutely positively no way that i had really lost that much weight in such a short period of time. but i figured i would check my scale when i got home that night & perhaps it would be at the very low 260's or possibly even in the '50's, oh hope of all hopes!

when i get home i rush to pull out my scale & see what my trusty home scale says, the result? well, it wasn't 249, not even frickin close. it was 270, yup, a full 21 pounds higher than the one at work. now i have heard the whole schpeal about "different scales read differently because of where you're located on the earth." i went from minnetonka to st. paul, there's most definitely not a 21 lb difference between the two, i guar-un-tee it. i did go into this knowing the work scale was only very slightly off from my home, by a pound or two.

*shaking my fist at the weight loss gods* why have you forsaken me so? now i'm going to admit, i haven't been an angel of late, far from it. but i also haven't been lounging stuffing my face with bon-bons & pizza & assorted other nectars of the gods. i've had a few sweets here & there, some potato chips. but i've been being uber conscious on everything i put in my face. especially knowing that i'll have to look at myself & my chins in the mirror at the gym when i do my weight training.

i'll also admit that i haven't been so uber awesome on the exercise either. i've missed some days, out of sickness & just being plain lazy. but seriously guys, the scale is moving UP not DOWN. & the first person to tell me i'm building muscle & losing fat is going to get a taste of a knuckle sandwich. but still, i have been doing some fairly consistent exercise, more than i have been doing in the past. so what's the deal-io? huh?

blech. i did an hour & a half this morning, which i'm proud of. i'm also trying to temper my over indulgence. they have cake here today to celebrate someone being with the company for 20+ years, & it's chocolate, so i'm having an eensy-weensy piece, it's even got a pink rose! but i also know that if i don't indulge just a smidgen it'll be way worse later on when my choco craving dragon rears its ugly head.

now i just need to find out what i've done so that the scale gods will quit smiting me. please? sacrifice a cheesecake? actually *gasp* go for a run? what, oh what, will appease these ravenous monsters?

i am SO not trendy, i'd like to note

You Should Get An Asian Inspired Tattoo

Mysterious and expressive You like to show off, but you also like to keep some allure

What Tattoo Should You Get?

the ultimate key to weight loss lies within this blog

i finally discovered the key to weight loss for obsessive food lovers, lose your sense of taste. now hear me out on this one. you may find it interesting. over the past week or so i've been noticing that my food just doesn't taste quite right. it's not that it's bad, perse, it's just not really there. i first started noticing that the taste was just "off" on some of my favorite foods. then i noticed that the taste wasn't just off, it just wasn't there.

the main taste buds that seem to be affected are sweet & salty. which is pretty much a real downer in general. my mom attributes this to the odd virus that i have that she was generous enough to share. my dad thinks that it may be due to a drug interaction between the meds i'm taking. i'm not sure either way, but i just know that it's happening.

it's like my sense of taste has a volume control & it's been turned way down to 1. occasionally i can taste the food, but most times it's just the texture. now when you take the actual taste away from food, the textures wind up being odd & in some cases completely disgusting. try eating a banana when you can't taste it. very un appealing. applesauce is also a pretty weird one. oh, & a pizza sandwhich when you can't taste any of it, yeah, i can barely even begin to describe that one.

my hope is that this really is something easily corrected, ie virus or med interaction. i really don't want to think about the other possibilities because, to be quite frank, it gives me the heebeegeebees. i'm taking a joking attitude towards all of this because it's the way that i can best deal with the whole thing. jack on the other hand is pretty upset & wants me to rush to the doctor right away. i told him this isn't going to kill me, & maybe it'll be great for weight loss. when you can't taste your food you really don't want to eat. & you especially don't want to overeat because what's the fun of eating something when you can't taste it?

if this winds up being chronic i will miss tasting my food. especially since it seems to be mainly salty & sweet. that totally ruins the popcorn/chocolate combo at the movie theater. as it is, i'm not putting too much time or energy into worrying about this. so wish my luck all. or maybe don't wish me luck. seriously, this could be one of those blessing in disguise things, like that chinese farmer with the horse parable. you know the one.

did i say a wee bit of nausea never hurt anyone?

ok, so i'm not technically hurt by the massive nausea that hit me yesterday. but i did wind up punking out & leaving work after being in for only two hours. & i was down right miserable the entire time i actually was at work. truth be told, i really would have called in sick from the start if i would't've had a conference call at 1pm. i was picked to be on a special project team for a new software release, so i kinda need to be at all of these meetings, er, on the phone for the conference calls. & i couldn't do the call from home because i need to actually be in front of my computer with access to my systems. blech.

for the record, if anyone has this same intestinal virus i have, you have my deepest sympathy. want a ginger ale & saltine? my mom is going on four weeks with this crud. jack took three days off of work. he said he's still not completely up to 100%, but he's well enough to go to work, so that's a good thing. i did feel better this morning, but the sick feeling is coming back again. monday night the nausea that started at work was followed by a stabby pain in my side on the drive home. stabby pains are never any good. i really really really hate being sick.

to quote jenn "you can't change the past so there's no use bitching about it, all you can do is change what you do from now on." i'm sure someone else wickedly famous & dead has said that before, but i've heard it most often from jenn, so we'll give her credit. i was bemoaning the fact that i didn't think i'd be accomplishing my goals for my birthday, the first & foremost being the being in the 250 lb range. i also know that even though my birthday is next week i'm not going to be able to make the ten days of 1 hour or more of exercise. i know i won't make that because i've already missed five days, & i had fourteen to start with. so even if i do an hour for each of the remaining days i'll end up short. i may be able to make 10+ hrs if i add up the time. that's more realistic.

i hate being sick, have i said that yet? now i know that no one really enjoys being sick. at least when i was in school i got to miss a day of the horror that was high school to stay home wrapped in a blanket on the couch watching talk shows & soaps. but even then i really hated being sick. i hate that feeling of can't. because when you're sick there are things you just can't do because you don't feel healthy enough. now granted, yesterday if i would've been feeling well i may or may not have put in my hour of exercise. just like monday night if i would've been feeling better there's a possibility i would've done my twenty-five minutes of weights. there's a good chance i would't've done either one, but the possibility still existed. it's having that possibility taken away from me that i really resent.

for now jenn is right, i can't wish away the past, but only work on what lies ahead. so wish me well on recovering quickly so that when my birthday rolls around next week i actually feel well enough to celebrate with my family & then go out on saturday with my friends. if i'm miserable next week too i just might have to throw a first class fit, not like it'd make me feel any better or accomplish anything, except relieve a touch of tension.

a wee bit o' nausea never hurt anyone

over the last week i did get my jiggle free buns, arms, & my transfirmer in the mail, yippee! & last night i went crazy & did a whole bunch of cleaning, straightening, & junk tossing in my room. so i now have space actually in my bedroom to work out. when i woke up this morning i thought, "hmmm, i have enough time before i need to shower & leave for work, maybe i'll try one of those new firm videos." it really did seem like a fantabulous idea at the time.

i won't bitch & moan & say it was a totally horrible experience, because it wasn't. but, the video was more difficult than the workouts i've been doing recently, however not impossible. there were parts that i just wasn't able to do, like the tricep press, or whatever it's called. i put my hands on the edge, tried to do the lower & up thing, & promptly fell on my tchkus in a most ungraceful manner. & then the whole plank push up while raising up one leg, i just about face planted when i attempted that. & while i had thought my room had enough space to effectively do the whole dvd, i was just a bit wrong, by about two feet. so i had to scrunch up a couple of times to try to do the moves. i did learn a few lessons. next time, i'll do the video in the livingroom. & my upper body is wicked weak, which means i need to start doing more weight lifting to get those muscles awake & working!

now back to the nausea. when i finished the dvd i was proud of myself that i had completed it without passing out or having a heart attack. i reached for my water to take a drink, & i'll be honest, i threw up a little bit in my mouth. is that the sign of a good work out? or one that was just a bit too intense? either way it was kinda gross, the kind of thing that could make a person not want to work out if every time they did so they had to vomit a little bit. but, i will do another work out tomorrow morning, i haven't decided which dvd, to firm or not to firm, that is the question.

i'm also 25 minutes from my goal of an hour, so i'll do some weight lifting at work, or maybe take my puppy for a walk when i get home, something to make up that extra time. who knows, maybe i'll be uber motivated & do both of them. it couldn't hurt, right? especially if it keeps me away from the chocolate chip cookies & ice cream that have invaded my house this past weekend.

for the record, it wasn't any of my jiggle free dvds that i did this morning, it was one of the other ones, super charged sculpting or something like that. i have watched both my jiggle free arms & buns to see what moves i'll need to do in the workouts, & then seem fairly handle-able. one of the areas that i'm really paranoid about is my arms. especially since i've committed myself to a strapless wedding dress. yikes! & of course, if you remember the ass checks, i'm worried about de-ghetto-fying my booty. so getting it jiggle free will be a great move in that direction.

ah, remember last week's lament about office potlucks? today my regional manager stopped by to give us cheesecake. i'm not sure why. nice of him, super sweet. but damn evil too. jenn said "seriously....cheesecake? rich fattens us up and leaves?" it was a drive by cheesecaking. mmmm.....cheesecake {homer simpson-esq drool}. i'll eat it because otherwise it's food abuse. but i'll savor it slowly. & save most of it for after my lean cuisine lunch.

new wardrobe, party of fat please? (take two)

**note, i had this post written & was trying to post it when blogger freaked out, errored, & erased it & i couldn't recover it& now i have to rewrite it. SO not a happy camper right now**

summer is here & it's the time of year when the sun comes out, humidity rises, sweaty skin sticks to itself, & jeans are too hot to wear for casual gear. shorts, capris, tank tops, & whatever exposes the most skin to whatever breezes happen to wander. closets are gone through to pick out the cutest of last year's clothes as the new summer approaches. this is one of those stories {law & order da-dunk-dunk}

tonight i'm going out with jack & the whole gang to celebrate josh's birthday, happy 28th dude! we're planning on heading into down town to a bar that has a $5 cover & then we get to drink free for an hour. yesterday i had been telling jenn about this wicked cute outfit that i have, a black & white plaid mini skirt, black bustier, & fish nets. so last night i went rummaging through my dresser to find it & yippee! i found it, then i tried it on & it doesn't fit, not so yippee. the last time i wore the skirt was in august when i was in vegas on the fated night that i went to club vivid. what happens in vegas most definitely stays in vegas, so that's all you'll get of that story. suffice to say i was smokin' sexy hot looking & it was a night to remember. so fast forward about eight months & bingo-bango the skirt won't even come up over my ghetto booty, despite all those ass checks & "oh yeah, your butt is getting smaller" comments! blech. talk about feeling crummy about yourself. & that does beg the question, if my ass is getting smaller than a month or so ago, then how shamu have i gotten since last summer?

there are two main ways that i could react to this wardrobe malfunction. plan a: pass the goddamn chocolate, please?! & while your at it grab me a pizza too. or plan b: pilates, crunches, & cardio OH-MY! the first plan has definite appeal. some yummy chocolate, maybe with a carmel center, to soothe my spirit while i crawl in a hole & lick my wounds. then again, that's kind of behavior that got me to this place. the other plan seems less appealing at first. intellectually i know that by exercising every day & monitoring what i eat not only will i lose weight, which is my paramount goal right now, but i will also feel loads better, with more energy & able to do more activities, which is also really important to me. even while actually knowing all the benefits, sweating & all that hard work seems like a real buzz kill.

& yet, i do want to be around to harass my family & friends for a long time to come, so i'll take plan b, dammit. i will give myself kudos for the fact that yesterday i did get in all of my 96oz of water. i also did over an hour of exercise yesterday. & this morning, despite my disappointment & feeling horrible about my skirt fiasco last night, i got up before 5 am today to work out. i also had to be to work before 8am, so i'm pretty proud of that one. not super fantabulous, but it's a good move in the right direction.

on top of the whole skirt fiasco, last week i discovered that all of the wicked cute capris that i bought last year are much too tight for me to comfortably wear right now. so this gives me an opportunity to set a new goal. that is for me to, by the end of the summer, be able to fit into my mini skirt & capris. with that said, from here on forward end of summer will mean the last day of the minnesota state fair which is labor day & fit will mean being able to wear said clothing without feeling like i'm impersonating a polish sausage.

some motivation would be nice right now. on the one hand i can visualize myself working out & being the picture of miss health in what i eat everyday. & the devil on my other shoulder is saying that being bad is so good. & wouldn't i really like some cheesecake right now? i think i need a montage. a weight loss montage. eye of the tiger, anyone?

*banging my head on my desk*

first off: who shook the fucking crazy tree? because the nuts are all falling down & calling me. get off the phone, take your meds.

second: i had a post all ready & blogger errored out & lost it.

*disgruntled grumbling*

so much for a nice fucking day.

day 1- office pot luck

have i mentioned lately that i think office pot lucks are evil? ok, maybe not evil, but they are definitely not the friend of anyone trying to watch what they eat. today we had a pot luck to congratulate two people on their promotions, i don't personally know them, but they're part of the larger "team" so i was invited. my contribution you ask? i should've brought something semi healthy, but our sub-team was assigned chips or desert. so i bought a box of fla-vor-ice pops. you know, those liquid in plastic tube things that you put in the freezer & voila, a popsicle without the stick! blue is my favorite. i figured, it's summer, getting hotter outside, something other than cake or cookies would be nice. & they're only 25 calories each, not too bad for a refreshing snack!

back to the pot luck diet pot holes. some of what was part of our spread today: sloppy joes, tater tot hotdish, tacos, bbq meatballs, dorietos, spice cake, chocolate pecan pie, swiss turkey roll ups, raw veggies & dip, fresh strawberries & grapes, & lots of different regular soda. it wasn't as bad as it could've been, but also not particularly healthy either. i'll admit, that i did partake of a bit of it, after my morning work out. which felt a wee bit wrong.

after all, i had just spent an hour panting on the elliptical followed by 15 minutes of strenuous weight lifting to then go grab a sloppy joe & a couple of bbq meatballs? not exactly the smartest thing to do. then again, i also know myself well enough to know that if i wouldn't have given in & had a little bit of something that i would've went totally over board later on. the food was ok, but none of it was particularly fabulous, & part of that may be because i've been really trying to retrain myself to enjoy natural healthy foods. so things that are really greasy don't sit well with me. & while it did taste pretty good while i was eating it, about an hour later i was very sick. maybe my body's way of telling me to cut this fucking bull shit & give myself GOOD fuel instead of this crap? & on the other hand, it could be completely psycho-sematic & all in my head.

on the upside of thing, i got my jiggle free arms dvd from target.com this past tuesday, & i just checked my target account & my jiggle free buns are waiting for my postal carrier to deliver them, so hopefully i'll get that dvd today or tomorrow. then i'm just waiting on my transfirmer, which should be here before my birthday. then i'll be g2g folks. i would like to note while i HATE cutesy lazy text messaging & instant messaging, g2g is a gamer term for good to go introduced to me by my good friend josh. gamer chicks rule, by the way.

& yes, i do realize how it sounds saying i got my jiggle free arms in the mail & i'm waiting on my jiggle free buns. ah, if it were only that easy. in that case i'd like to order jennifer lopez's ass, gwen stefani's arms, jessica alba's abs, a vegas show girl's legs, & a porn star's tits. well, now i have a totally realistic ideal to work towards. <----hint: for those that don't know me well, that last sentence was sarcasm.

the journey towards health & weight loss is really like a roller coaster, it has it's ups & downs & often times makes you feel like vomiting. but, in the end it is a thrilling journey & something well worth talking about later on. i don't exactly feel that way at this particular moment in time, i feel more like skittering away from talking about/thinking about this whole thing. but i also know that, like the supposedly-bubble-gum-flavored-pink-penicillin they gave me as a kid for strep throat, this really is good for me. even though it's really yucky at the moment.