~going through my email tonight at work & i found the following message from miss april & it seems so appropriate, just had to share, this was in response to this blog posting (& yes, i do realize lately i've been spinning around the same few topics. i'll try to be more well rounded & whine about being fat more often)~
Yep.
I don’t really know how to respond to your post! *l*
It sounds like you want to be this person who
You were when you were coming back from the Playa, and
You’re stuck being MN Beckah. Seriously? You keep
Approaching this theme in your blogs…and you keep
Outlining plans of attack (YAY!!) but again, it’s like the
Same conversation you keep having with Kat and John…
It’s not going too far ….
Be selfish and cling to your alone time to write and ponder
Those wondrous ideas and thoughts I know you have. Make some
Headway with your goals. :-) You’ll feel better.
Goal 1) Work
Goal 2) Work Out
Goal 3) Write
Goal 4) Travel!
Simplify the way you live your life. :-)
Showing posts with label burning man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label burning man. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Sunday, September 02, 2007
burn, baby, burn
last night was the burning of the man out in the black rock desert in nevada at the burning man art festival. some burners (people who are now, or have in the past, attended burning man) see the burning of the man on saturday night as the celebration of a new year. that's how it was explained to me back in 2004 & it's always stuck with me. it's celebrating the end of one year & looking forward to the beginning of a new year.
i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.
even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.
somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.
tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.
so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.
i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.
even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.
somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.
tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.
so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
happy independance day
ok, so it's july 3rd & not the 4th. but this is a different kind of Independence day for me, that just so happens to fall around the Independence day of our country. for me, today is the day that i can FINALLY dump TFF's (The Former Fiance) cell phone off my verizon plan. we broke up in december, coincidentally just about two weeks after he lost the damn phone. but because i had put him on my account as a second phone, i still had another six months left of his plan before i could give his phone number an adios & fare-thee-well from my cell phone plan. which, yes, did totally suck. & then, because he had lost the damn phone, i had the account on hold for 30days so no one could find the a fore mentioned damn phone & charge calls to guam on my account. which pushed the date from june 3rd, to july 3rd, for me to be able to call verizon & get the number dropped once & for all.
this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.
it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.
but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.
i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:
The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.
& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.
it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.
so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.
this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.
it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.
but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.
i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:
The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.
& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.
it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.
so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
the twin theory: minnesota beckah vs cali beckah
i've known this for a while, but reallly have two distinct sides to my personality. this is something that i just vocalized for the first time to whitney on thursday though. ok, well, vocalized & actually processed what i was saying, on thursday. i have minnesota beckah, and cali beckah. the person that i am when i'm in minnesota is very different from the person i am when i'm in cali. it isn't even necessarily that it has to do with real life versus vacation. there is a small element, i'm sure, to the fact that when i'm in cali it ISN'T my normal life, my normal routine, or all of the normal things that i have weighing me down. but it's much more than that. when i'm in cali i feel like i'm given the freedom to be whoever i want to be, without judgement.
don't get me wrong, i love my friends & family VERY very much. it's not that i don't love them at all. but when i'm in minnesota i feel this oppressive judgement no matter what i seem to do. i will throw a disclaimer in here that it is not ALL of my family & friends make me feel that way, but enough of them do that it is a very mentally & emotionally unhealthy atmosphere for me.
if i was left to my own devices i would be much more of a hippie than i currently am; i'd live my life in a more bohemian way. what i mean by that is that i enjoy surrounding myself by artists, writers, musicians. by people who don't necessarily subscribe to the middle class middle of the road lifestyle that seems to be surrounding me lately. not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's the kind of person that you are. for me, it's not who i am. & i almost can't breathe when i imagine my life taking that kind of a path.
& i'm afraid. afraid that if i stay in minnesota, & keep doing the same things i'm doing, day after day, that all of a sudden another ten, fifteen years, will pass & i won't have anything that i'm proud of to show for that passage of time. right now i'm very ashamed & embarrassed about the way that my life has gone thus far. i know that i've learned a lot through the things that i've done, but it's still frustrating.
nearly three years ago, i did something that changed my life. something that was so scary, so foreign, & so completely out there for anyone in my family, but it made an incredible change in me. i went to burning man. this is something that i talk about a lot, but in a way, i don't talk about at all. the thing about burning man is, you can't ever really adequately explain it to someone that's never been there. you can do your best, show them pictures, send them website links, but it's no substitute at all for the actual experience of burning man. it's also kind of like vegas in that there's a code about burning man, in a way, what happens on the playa stays on the playa. it's an odd dichotomy, to say the least.
but i was scared out of my mind to go. really kind of fearful i'd die. but, something amazing happened. not only did i NOT die in the nevada desert. but i actually THRIVED as a person. it was like plucking me up out of minnesota, shaking that midwestern shame off me & plopping me down in the desert was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me in my life. i came back focused & loving my life. trying to just make the most of every single minute. i was so in awe of everything! & then, well. i'm not going to dwell on what happened then.
it'll suffice to say that instead of wasting seven years of my life learning a lesson, i did it in two. so my learning curve is getting better. but i won't dwell on the past.
& so now. now. NOW i need to take a look at my future,figure out what i want, how i'm going to get it & then go after it. that's all there is to it. really. i also need to figure out how to reconcile the twins. i'm not happy as minnesota beckah. but i think she has good qualities that i wouldn't want to totally abandon. somehow i'm going to need to combine the two & reconcile this to one happy medium.
don't get me wrong, i love my friends & family VERY very much. it's not that i don't love them at all. but when i'm in minnesota i feel this oppressive judgement no matter what i seem to do. i will throw a disclaimer in here that it is not ALL of my family & friends make me feel that way, but enough of them do that it is a very mentally & emotionally unhealthy atmosphere for me.
if i was left to my own devices i would be much more of a hippie than i currently am; i'd live my life in a more bohemian way. what i mean by that is that i enjoy surrounding myself by artists, writers, musicians. by people who don't necessarily subscribe to the middle class middle of the road lifestyle that seems to be surrounding me lately. not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's the kind of person that you are. for me, it's not who i am. & i almost can't breathe when i imagine my life taking that kind of a path.
& i'm afraid. afraid that if i stay in minnesota, & keep doing the same things i'm doing, day after day, that all of a sudden another ten, fifteen years, will pass & i won't have anything that i'm proud of to show for that passage of time. right now i'm very ashamed & embarrassed about the way that my life has gone thus far. i know that i've learned a lot through the things that i've done, but it's still frustrating.
nearly three years ago, i did something that changed my life. something that was so scary, so foreign, & so completely out there for anyone in my family, but it made an incredible change in me. i went to burning man. this is something that i talk about a lot, but in a way, i don't talk about at all. the thing about burning man is, you can't ever really adequately explain it to someone that's never been there. you can do your best, show them pictures, send them website links, but it's no substitute at all for the actual experience of burning man. it's also kind of like vegas in that there's a code about burning man, in a way, what happens on the playa stays on the playa. it's an odd dichotomy, to say the least.
but i was scared out of my mind to go. really kind of fearful i'd die. but, something amazing happened. not only did i NOT die in the nevada desert. but i actually THRIVED as a person. it was like plucking me up out of minnesota, shaking that midwestern shame off me & plopping me down in the desert was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me in my life. i came back focused & loving my life. trying to just make the most of every single minute. i was so in awe of everything! & then, well. i'm not going to dwell on what happened then.
it'll suffice to say that instead of wasting seven years of my life learning a lesson, i did it in two. so my learning curve is getting better. but i won't dwell on the past.
& so now. now. NOW i need to take a look at my future,figure out what i want, how i'm going to get it & then go after it. that's all there is to it. really. i also need to figure out how to reconcile the twins. i'm not happy as minnesota beckah. but i think she has good qualities that i wouldn't want to totally abandon. somehow i'm going to need to combine the two & reconcile this to one happy medium.
Friday, November 03, 2006
forgiveness
i've been doing a bunch of reading lately on losing weight, getting healthy, & decreasing your stress levels. & one thing that has been popping up more & more in my reading is the necessity of forgiveness for a persons overall mental well being. & i'm not sure if i'm consciously seeking this out due to nigglings at the back of my brain, or if it's the universe's way of telling me that in order to really move forward i need to, in one clean swipe, free myself from those sticky webs of the past that are still clinging to me as i refuse to completely, with my whole heart, forgive those who have wronged me. at this moment in time there are three main people that i'm holding grudges against that i really must let go of.
& so
i forgive ms. petch for being a heinous bitch & essentially ruining my childhood. i entered her classroom a bright, happy, extroverted, vivacious child. full of energy, spirit, creativity, & an inner light that defied my years on earth. i left her classroom at the end of second grade a sullen painfully introverted kid who turned to books & food for comfort. i forgive her for the abuse & mental torture she put me through. as she bounced me from the "dummy" reading group, to the average, to the advanced. as she taught me the definition of humiliation by repeatedly making me a laughing stock in front of my classmates. i forgive her for instilling in me doubt that i was: smart, capable, valuable. i forgive her for stealing from me years of being an outgoing bubbly person while i hid behind that scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to blend forever into the orange & brown walls of the classroom.
i forgive my parents for not coming to my defense & pulling me out of that second grade hell hole. i forgive them for being too wrapped up in their own problems while i was growing up to notice the food missing from the cupboards as i ate my emotions away in secret. i forgive them for not being the role models that i needed them to be. for not modeling a healthy relationship with food. for not teaching me at a young age that fitness was something to be enjoyed, not dreaded. i forgive them for not seeing me for the miserable depressed teenager who tried to take her own life because she'd rather be dead than fat. i forgive them for seeing me as who they wanted me to be, instead of who i really was.
i forgive tssob (the southern son of a bitch) for stealing seven years of my life. i forgive him for telling me in one breath that he loved me & that i was damn lucky he did because no one else would want me. i forgive him for making me believe that was true. for hurting me so deeply that i can never completely trust another human being again. i forgive him for making me doubt that: i'm smart, talented, beautiful, & a force to be reckoned with. i forgive him for turning me into that pathetic girl that let an abusive guy rule her life because she really & honestly believed that one day he would come through on his promises. for being the kind of person who is only happy when he's holding someone else down. i forgive him for the lies he told me, that i foolishly believed. & i forgive him for the years of abuse in which he never laid a hand on me, but still left deep scars, none the less.
i had really thought that as i drove away from the playa in september of 2004 that i had left all of this behind me in the ashes of the temple. that i had let it go up in the flames that day, scratched onto scrap pieces of wood. but sometimes symbolism is just that. & while i thought i was ready to wipe all of this from my mind, my heart wasn't quite as ready to let go. & the hatred is weighing me down. so with this blog, i release my hatred & blame from my soul. letting the dark holes left behind fill with the positive people & blessings in my life. fall into winter is a season of death, but also a season of rebirth, & another chance to start again & hopefully get it right.
& so
i forgive ms. petch for being a heinous bitch & essentially ruining my childhood. i entered her classroom a bright, happy, extroverted, vivacious child. full of energy, spirit, creativity, & an inner light that defied my years on earth. i left her classroom at the end of second grade a sullen painfully introverted kid who turned to books & food for comfort. i forgive her for the abuse & mental torture she put me through. as she bounced me from the "dummy" reading group, to the average, to the advanced. as she taught me the definition of humiliation by repeatedly making me a laughing stock in front of my classmates. i forgive her for instilling in me doubt that i was: smart, capable, valuable. i forgive her for stealing from me years of being an outgoing bubbly person while i hid behind that scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to blend forever into the orange & brown walls of the classroom.
i forgive my parents for not coming to my defense & pulling me out of that second grade hell hole. i forgive them for being too wrapped up in their own problems while i was growing up to notice the food missing from the cupboards as i ate my emotions away in secret. i forgive them for not being the role models that i needed them to be. for not modeling a healthy relationship with food. for not teaching me at a young age that fitness was something to be enjoyed, not dreaded. i forgive them for not seeing me for the miserable depressed teenager who tried to take her own life because she'd rather be dead than fat. i forgive them for seeing me as who they wanted me to be, instead of who i really was.
i forgive tssob (the southern son of a bitch) for stealing seven years of my life. i forgive him for telling me in one breath that he loved me & that i was damn lucky he did because no one else would want me. i forgive him for making me believe that was true. for hurting me so deeply that i can never completely trust another human being again. i forgive him for making me doubt that: i'm smart, talented, beautiful, & a force to be reckoned with. i forgive him for turning me into that pathetic girl that let an abusive guy rule her life because she really & honestly believed that one day he would come through on his promises. for being the kind of person who is only happy when he's holding someone else down. i forgive him for the lies he told me, that i foolishly believed. & i forgive him for the years of abuse in which he never laid a hand on me, but still left deep scars, none the less.
i had really thought that as i drove away from the playa in september of 2004 that i had left all of this behind me in the ashes of the temple. that i had let it go up in the flames that day, scratched onto scrap pieces of wood. but sometimes symbolism is just that. & while i thought i was ready to wipe all of this from my mind, my heart wasn't quite as ready to let go. & the hatred is weighing me down. so with this blog, i release my hatred & blame from my soul. letting the dark holes left behind fill with the positive people & blessings in my life. fall into winter is a season of death, but also a season of rebirth, & another chance to start again & hopefully get it right.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
just a hippie in the corporate world
now i love my job. don't get me wrong. i'm great at problem solving, i love doing detective work & figuring out where the issue is, & that's a lot of my job. i like helping people out, knowing that by what i've done at the end of my eight hours, or even at the end of that one phone call, i've helped make things a bit better for someone else. of course, it's not always that great, & sometimes i have to tell people things that they really don't want to hear, but that's ok too because, well, sometimes the truth is a mother fucker & we all just have to deal with that, do what we can, & get over it.
but i just realized, while perusing the burning man website, that in a way it is so seriously twisted that i'm working in a corporate office, in a cubicle, monday through friday, every day, with a fifty mile round trip commute. it's absurd. i mean, seriously guys, in a way i feel like i'm living a double life.
at work i'm good at my job. i know the insurance policies, i understand how the claims are processed, the rules & the regulations, & if i don't know something i know who to go to for help. but there's just some days where i'm doing all of this that there's this part of me just screaming out to run, far far far away.
i'm having de-blog vu, i feel like i've blogged this before, my discontent with the current path that my life is taking. & don't get me wrong, i love my sweetie, i'm looking forward to getting married & in a few years having our little demon spawn running around, but i kind of want to do it more on my own terms instead of this uber traditional path that my life seems to be taking.
i mean, i love the health insurance, steady pay check, & all that jazz. but at what point is all of that going to be enough? i'm starting to believe that the world is divided between the people that are meant to take a traditional road, & those of us meant for another less traveled adventure. and the further i go down this expected road of the monday through friday life, the harder it is for me to see across the field to the road where my heart is saying that i'm supposed to be.
don't worry, i won't do anything insanely stupid like quitting my job & running off to europe to find myself. somehow i don't think that i'm there anyway. but all of this musing & typing & mulling has brought me to the conclusion that instead of just being content with the status quo, or sitting at a computer bitching about it, that it's time to really actually do something about this whole life game.
i've gotten so far away from that hippie chick that in a way i'm afraid of her. ever since i can remember i've said i want to be a writer, i've known so far deep inside of me that's what i'm destined for, that nothing else has ever seemed like an ok alternative, & here i am, doing something else. not fully utilizing my writing gifts. a blog here & there is not pushing myself to the pinnacle of my talent, it's keeping me from regressing, but it's not as much as i should be doing.
here's the thing that isn't well known about writing. it takes daily work & commitment to keep those skills sharp & to really be the absolute best that you're capable of. in a way it's just like music, or sports, or any other skill set. if you don't dedicate yourself to put in the practice time, the hours every day, you start to lose your skills. maybe only a bit at first, but more & more as time goes by & before you know it it's hard to see where you were before.
right now i'm terrified of that writer that's inside me. i've neglected her way too long. i've been writing here & there in small bursts, but nothing like the every day hours that not only do i know that i need to do, but i want to do. i want to be able to truly feel like when i say i'm a write that it's the god's honest truth, not just something that i want to be true. what i really need to do is fuse together the self that i let people see every day & that writer that i keep locked inside of myself. because if i don't do something to bring her out into the light i am really afraid that i will lose her, & then i honestly don't know where i would go from there.
the thing is, all those years, while i was in junior high, high school, under grad, all the while i kept getting asked what i would do when i grew up. & i always replied that i never wanted to grow up. & that i was going to be a writer. & some how i've gotten the message that making your way of life through the arts is not viable, it's not something that is OK with polite society. & i do care about what people thing. much much more than i really should. but i've also come to the realization that it's just not worth it. so fuck polite society. i'm going after what i really want out of my life.
but i just realized, while perusing the burning man website, that in a way it is so seriously twisted that i'm working in a corporate office, in a cubicle, monday through friday, every day, with a fifty mile round trip commute. it's absurd. i mean, seriously guys, in a way i feel like i'm living a double life.
at work i'm good at my job. i know the insurance policies, i understand how the claims are processed, the rules & the regulations, & if i don't know something i know who to go to for help. but there's just some days where i'm doing all of this that there's this part of me just screaming out to run, far far far away.
i'm having de-blog vu, i feel like i've blogged this before, my discontent with the current path that my life is taking. & don't get me wrong, i love my sweetie, i'm looking forward to getting married & in a few years having our little demon spawn running around, but i kind of want to do it more on my own terms instead of this uber traditional path that my life seems to be taking.
i mean, i love the health insurance, steady pay check, & all that jazz. but at what point is all of that going to be enough? i'm starting to believe that the world is divided between the people that are meant to take a traditional road, & those of us meant for another less traveled adventure. and the further i go down this expected road of the monday through friday life, the harder it is for me to see across the field to the road where my heart is saying that i'm supposed to be.
don't worry, i won't do anything insanely stupid like quitting my job & running off to europe to find myself. somehow i don't think that i'm there anyway. but all of this musing & typing & mulling has brought me to the conclusion that instead of just being content with the status quo, or sitting at a computer bitching about it, that it's time to really actually do something about this whole life game.
i've gotten so far away from that hippie chick that in a way i'm afraid of her. ever since i can remember i've said i want to be a writer, i've known so far deep inside of me that's what i'm destined for, that nothing else has ever seemed like an ok alternative, & here i am, doing something else. not fully utilizing my writing gifts. a blog here & there is not pushing myself to the pinnacle of my talent, it's keeping me from regressing, but it's not as much as i should be doing.
here's the thing that isn't well known about writing. it takes daily work & commitment to keep those skills sharp & to really be the absolute best that you're capable of. in a way it's just like music, or sports, or any other skill set. if you don't dedicate yourself to put in the practice time, the hours every day, you start to lose your skills. maybe only a bit at first, but more & more as time goes by & before you know it it's hard to see where you were before.
right now i'm terrified of that writer that's inside me. i've neglected her way too long. i've been writing here & there in small bursts, but nothing like the every day hours that not only do i know that i need to do, but i want to do. i want to be able to truly feel like when i say i'm a write that it's the god's honest truth, not just something that i want to be true. what i really need to do is fuse together the self that i let people see every day & that writer that i keep locked inside of myself. because if i don't do something to bring her out into the light i am really afraid that i will lose her, & then i honestly don't know where i would go from there.
the thing is, all those years, while i was in junior high, high school, under grad, all the while i kept getting asked what i would do when i grew up. & i always replied that i never wanted to grow up. & that i was going to be a writer. & some how i've gotten the message that making your way of life through the arts is not viable, it's not something that is OK with polite society. & i do care about what people thing. much much more than i really should. but i've also come to the realization that it's just not worth it. so fuck polite society. i'm going after what i really want out of my life.
a tisket a tasket, a candle filled basket
at work we've been having events all of last week & this week, an employee giving campaign to benefit some local charities. we've had a walk-a-thon, candy gram sales, loose change donation, clothing drive, smoothie bar, & the most recent one was a silent auction, named k-bay. no, i have no idea what the "k" stands for, but my guess is that i really should know.
the items were donated by individuals in the company, or businesses in the area, we then had a
link on our intranet site so that we could go & bid on the items. the bidding ended yesterday & ta-da, i won my bid on this candle basket! i'm uber happy, it has a big ceramic jar candle, three filled square glass candles, a lantern, & 9 dozen party lite tealight candles! & i got it for the bargain price of $53, which was a decent amount under the value of all the items combined. & yeah, a bit extravagant, but i /heart candles, as you all know, often prompting my father to yell "watch those goddamn candles or one day we're all gonna wake up part of the ashes." & besides, the lantern candle is simply adorable & it'll look really nice at my wedding reception on one of the tables. & then later in my house just because it's that uber cool looking. each of the nine dozen tealights are also a different scent, so the aroma is heavenly here at my desk right now.
mmmmm....makes me want to go home, burn some cedar & meditate. you know what? i really think that's what i'm missing right now. some bonefide beckah time, spent meditating, relaxing, taking care of my mind & my body. burning cedar incense is very cleansing for me, very much a spiritual experience. i think it goes back to memories of a time before my birth. i very much believe in reincarnation, that you carry the souls of your ancestors with you, in a collective memory. i'm also very much starting to believe that time is more circular than linear.
all this talk of candles, incense, & fire takes me back to labor day weekend. it was the weekend of the burn. for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, it's burning man, check it out, wickedly cool. & i was bummed. i didn't get to the burn last year due to money, i had even bought my tickets & everything. then this year finances were bad enough i didn't even contemplate the burn at all. but saturday september 2nd, i sat out by the fire pit in my back yard, made a fire, got drunk, looked at the stars, the fire, breathed in the smoke. & thought, a lot. about life, the universe, & everything. the meaning, or lack there of. & came to a conclusion.
weight loss, & in a way, life in general, is a lot like a burning fire. at some points the fire goes out, or so you think, there's ash there, black & smoky as if it's all done, but if you stir it up just right, embers splash out of that darkness, the fire roars again, & suddenly there's light once again where before it was just pitch. the main thing is to keep in mind that even though you can't see the flames, that doesn't mean that they aren't there, lingering beneath the residue of events past just waiting to be stoked & freed to once again fuel a new blaze.
the items were donated by individuals in the company, or businesses in the area, we then had a
link on our intranet site so that we could go & bid on the items. the bidding ended yesterday & ta-da, i won my bid on this candle basket! i'm uber happy, it has a big ceramic jar candle, three filled square glass candles, a lantern, & 9 dozen party lite tealight candles! & i got it for the bargain price of $53, which was a decent amount under the value of all the items combined. & yeah, a bit extravagant, but i /heart candles, as you all know, often prompting my father to yell "watch those goddamn candles or one day we're all gonna wake up part of the ashes." & besides, the lantern candle is simply adorable & it'll look really nice at my wedding reception on one of the tables. & then later in my house just because it's that uber cool looking. each of the nine dozen tealights are also a different scent, so the aroma is heavenly here at my desk right now.mmmmm....makes me want to go home, burn some cedar & meditate. you know what? i really think that's what i'm missing right now. some bonefide beckah time, spent meditating, relaxing, taking care of my mind & my body. burning cedar incense is very cleansing for me, very much a spiritual experience. i think it goes back to memories of a time before my birth. i very much believe in reincarnation, that you carry the souls of your ancestors with you, in a collective memory. i'm also very much starting to believe that time is more circular than linear.
all this talk of candles, incense, & fire takes me back to labor day weekend. it was the weekend of the burn. for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, it's burning man, check it out, wickedly cool. & i was bummed. i didn't get to the burn last year due to money, i had even bought my tickets & everything. then this year finances were bad enough i didn't even contemplate the burn at all. but saturday september 2nd, i sat out by the fire pit in my back yard, made a fire, got drunk, looked at the stars, the fire, breathed in the smoke. & thought, a lot. about life, the universe, & everything. the meaning, or lack there of. & came to a conclusion.
weight loss, & in a way, life in general, is a lot like a burning fire. at some points the fire goes out, or so you think, there's ash there, black & smoky as if it's all done, but if you stir it up just right, embers splash out of that darkness, the fire roars again, & suddenly there's light once again where before it was just pitch. the main thing is to keep in mind that even though you can't see the flames, that doesn't mean that they aren't there, lingering beneath the residue of events past just waiting to be stoked & freed to once again fuel a new blaze.
Friday, August 11, 2006
a bit of the playa in the city
"beauty is not marked by how close to the bone your skin is. beauty is your heart & soul" ~ some random quote on a random blog
one day a few weeks ago jenn seemed bummed about something or other & i ran across that quote on a blog. i wrote it on a fuschia pink heart shaped stickie note, in blue ink, & posted it on her computer when she was on break.
today i had a really tough day. she leaned over her cube wall with the stickie, a blue push pin & a green, & tacked it on the wall to the left of my monitor telling me to "borrow it for a while, you need it more than i do."
thanks jenn. just a bit of black rock city from a non-burner, but exactly what i needed.
one day a few weeks ago jenn seemed bummed about something or other & i ran across that quote on a blog. i wrote it on a fuschia pink heart shaped stickie note, in blue ink, & posted it on her computer when she was on break.
today i had a really tough day. she leaned over her cube wall with the stickie, a blue push pin & a green, & tacked it on the wall to the left of my monitor telling me to "borrow it for a while, you need it more than i do."
thanks jenn. just a bit of black rock city from a non-burner, but exactly what i needed.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
how to become a south beachy bunny, baby:
so after much net lurking & scouring many many blogs, my favs are on the right there under the links-thingy, i've come to a conclusion. first one: i don't want my weight loss blog to me another "oh poor me, the oreo's are haunting me, whiney bitch fest" the second: is that while i loathe the atkins diet with it's "absolutely no carbs but here, eat all the bacon you want, why not top it with a steak accented with a hamburger?" i am going to try the south beach diet.
ok, i'll wait while you all regain consciousness. [checking my watch] [tap tap tappity tap tap] hello mcfly?! ok, you can wake up now.
now south beach doesn't totally eliminate carbs, i want that said first & foremost upfront here people. but it does encourage distinguishing between "good" & "bad" carbs. & the basic difference here is all in how the fuel is burned. look at good carbs like a log on a fire, it takes a while to burn, slowly fueling the fire. look at bad carbs as kindling or newspaper, sure they burn, but it doesn't take a heck of a lot of work to turn them into ash. so, with good carbs your body has to work harder to digest those foods & break them down, bad carbs almost instantly turn into sugar & hit your bloodstream fast.
i've been reading the south beach diet book, which is quite interesting actually. even if you're not into the diet you may learn some nifty stuff about your body & how you burn food & why you sometimes have the cravings you do. so far it's making a lot of sense to me. i'm by no means ready to shout the diet's praises from the roof tops, especially since i'm not even on the dang thing yet. but i'm cautiously optimistic. one of the bloggers i read, pasta queen, owes her success to the south beach diet. she's actually the one that made me interested in researching it, thanks pasta queen!
& as i was thinking back to my great weight loss of 2004/2005 i basically just start eating smarter, better, & i eliminated a lot of my cravings. duh?! so examining that closely what i saw was that i stopped eating candy, sugared pop, cake, donuts, ice cream, brownies, cookies, all of that stuff loaded with sugar & processed to death. & it was tough at first, although it did help that i was still wearing my hippy brc** shades & my world was covered by playa dust**. so i was still feeling the good vibes through most of my detox period. & then by the time those shades were lifted i was good & off the sugar & the grease.
seriously, it sounds like i'm strung out on cherry coke & cheeseburgers "come-on man, just a kids meal, please, just a little taste to tide me over. i'm hurtin' here." no, i'm not making fun of drunks or junkies, some of my best friends are recovering from one or both of these ailments, but i seriously feel that way. sometimes that craving is so utterly overwhelming i can't help it. i'm not hungry, i've had dinner, but that urge comes over me & i would do just about anything for a whopper junior, onion rings, & coke icee float. mmmm.....coke icee float....[drools] or a nice big slice of pizza with that yummy garlic dippy stuff & a nice cold mike's hard lime & of course buffalo wings....
i don't like being like this, sitting at work, staring off into space, & thinking, "damn, i should stop at kfc on my way home & get a personal pan pizza & some wings" no, not exaggerating, i hadn't been thinking of it until i started my little mini rant about wanting to not crave grease & there i go craving it. i'm like one of those fooking hamsters on those wheels. the little buggers keep trying to get some place, they think they'll get out of their cage if they just run a bit faster, but all they're really doing is getting higher up on the wheel & assuring that their little feets are going to slip right off the bars & they'll spin until they get dizzy. ((yes, feets was intentional, & it's funny but wrong to laugh at a dizzy hamster falling out of their wheel, & yes i've done it))
**too long to explain, check out the burning man website
ok, i'll wait while you all regain consciousness. [checking my watch] [tap tap tappity tap tap] hello mcfly?! ok, you can wake up now.
now south beach doesn't totally eliminate carbs, i want that said first & foremost upfront here people. but it does encourage distinguishing between "good" & "bad" carbs. & the basic difference here is all in how the fuel is burned. look at good carbs like a log on a fire, it takes a while to burn, slowly fueling the fire. look at bad carbs as kindling or newspaper, sure they burn, but it doesn't take a heck of a lot of work to turn them into ash. so, with good carbs your body has to work harder to digest those foods & break them down, bad carbs almost instantly turn into sugar & hit your bloodstream fast.
i've been reading the south beach diet book, which is quite interesting actually. even if you're not into the diet you may learn some nifty stuff about your body & how you burn food & why you sometimes have the cravings you do. so far it's making a lot of sense to me. i'm by no means ready to shout the diet's praises from the roof tops, especially since i'm not even on the dang thing yet. but i'm cautiously optimistic. one of the bloggers i read, pasta queen, owes her success to the south beach diet. she's actually the one that made me interested in researching it, thanks pasta queen!
& as i was thinking back to my great weight loss of 2004/2005 i basically just start eating smarter, better, & i eliminated a lot of my cravings. duh?! so examining that closely what i saw was that i stopped eating candy, sugared pop, cake, donuts, ice cream, brownies, cookies, all of that stuff loaded with sugar & processed to death. & it was tough at first, although it did help that i was still wearing my hippy brc** shades & my world was covered by playa dust**. so i was still feeling the good vibes through most of my detox period. & then by the time those shades were lifted i was good & off the sugar & the grease.
seriously, it sounds like i'm strung out on cherry coke & cheeseburgers "come-on man, just a kids meal, please, just a little taste to tide me over. i'm hurtin' here." no, i'm not making fun of drunks or junkies, some of my best friends are recovering from one or both of these ailments, but i seriously feel that way. sometimes that craving is so utterly overwhelming i can't help it. i'm not hungry, i've had dinner, but that urge comes over me & i would do just about anything for a whopper junior, onion rings, & coke icee float. mmmm.....coke icee float....[drools] or a nice big slice of pizza with that yummy garlic dippy stuff & a nice cold mike's hard lime & of course buffalo wings....
i don't like being like this, sitting at work, staring off into space, & thinking, "damn, i should stop at kfc on my way home & get a personal pan pizza & some wings" no, not exaggerating, i hadn't been thinking of it until i started my little mini rant about wanting to not crave grease & there i go craving it. i'm like one of those fooking hamsters on those wheels. the little buggers keep trying to get some place, they think they'll get out of their cage if they just run a bit faster, but all they're really doing is getting higher up on the wheel & assuring that their little feets are going to slip right off the bars & they'll spin until they get dizzy. ((yes, feets was intentional, & it's funny but wrong to laugh at a dizzy hamster falling out of their wheel, & yes i've done it))
**too long to explain, check out the burning man website
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