jesus bobby, no reading porn in the backseat, eh

so vermont & canada were a blast, eh.

left out of vermont quite a bit later than we really intended, & for once i was not the one making everyone late! ((that did feel good, a lot good, btw)) so we wound up not rolling into flint michigan until after 3am on the first of the year. it's the first time i've celebrated new years while traveling, & i mean while actually by-god-on-the-mother-fucking-road-at-the-turn-of-the-year, & i liked it. there was something semi-freeing about being hundreds of hundreds of miles away from home & on the road while the clock officially ticked over to 2007, & maybe that's just cause in a lot of ways 2006 sucked, big time.

at the last minute josh decided to join miss jenn & i on our great north american adventure, so it was kinda like thelma & louise in that we were traveling cross country with a boy, but unlike thelma & louise, no one got laid, murdered, or drove off a mountain. & none of it was done in a convertible. so maybe it wasn't quite like thelma & louise. but we did have porn. & pizza from geno's. & all those oddly canadian road side snacks like ketchup flavored lays potato chips, eh.

& if you pay any attention to the canadians & they're labeling laws, for rockstar (& other such energy drinks) "Recommended dose (adults): Drink 473ml 1 time per day, as needed." & according to the same can, one should not drink more than 500ml/day of rockstar. now if i don't listen to the recommended dosing of my own government, what makes anyone think that i'll listen to the guidelines of our neighbors to the north. & jenn & josh did have to cut me off having a 3rd 16oz can of the good stuff as we rolled on over the border from canada into the us. which probably wasn't a bad thing, cause if i hadn't've been cut off i may just have been the reason we got stopped at the border for a second time in 24hrs.

yeah, so about that. . .everyone will eventually hear about it, so i may as well fess up now & avoid the rumors & the paparazzi camping out on my door step. the three of us got held up in new york trying to re-enter the united states. see, what happened was, i hadn't been quite paying attention & we came to a T intersection in the road with a huge mother effing sign that said new york, with an arrow pointing to the left, and canada with an arrow pointing to the right. & jenn started to take a left, & then i said some smart ass comment about don't we want to go to canada, so she took a right, we were in canada for literally 2 seconds when we realized we made a wrong turn, hung a u-ey & tried to re-enter the country of our birth.

& that's when things got ugly. see, our story, which is 100% true, is that jenn was in vermont for a week visiting her family for christmas, she was buying her mother's car from her (which happens to have vermont handicap plates on it & four tires tied to the roof) i flew into burlington the day before to drive back to minnesota with her, josh flew into boston & then drove up to burlington from there the day before, & we planned on driving through canada to avoid the tolls, eh. yeah, even typing it the whole thing seems very bizzarre & highly suspect, but you know what they say, truth is stranger than fiction, & this is the by god truth.

so the guard saw the tires, the plates, the three minnesota ids & was like "yea, right, about that whole getting back into the country thing. . . ." & we were hauled into the office. grilled about EVERYTHING.

have you completely emptied your pockets, why do you have uncashed checks in your wallet, where are you going, why are you doing there, who's that, who's that, who's jenn, how do you know her, who's beckah, are you carrying any dope, why haven't you cashed these checks yet, who's john, why do you have a check from him, how long have you been at your job, what do you do, who's that, do you have any dope, why do you have vicodin, what's wrong with your ankle, is everything in that vehicle yours, take off your hat, flag your pockets, who's that, why are you going to canada, why are you in vermont, who's car is that, why are you going to minnesota, how long have you lived in minnesota, where did you live before that, do you have any dope on you. . .

yup. & basically the same on & on for a while. then they searched the car. basically tore everything out, put it back in a haphazard manner. threw our ids at us & basically told us to get out. god bless america.

so when we rolled across the border into canada a few hours later they asked our citizenship (american) & why we were going to canada (to drive through it) & said welcome to canada, have a nice day, eh.

& then after several hours on the road, a burning smell from the engine, rain, salt trucks, desolate canadian highways, & without tim dots, we pull up to the american border again, give the guy our licenses & he asks if any of us have ever been pulled inside before. awwwww shhhiiiitttt is all i could think. & we got a much shorter version basically asking us if we picked up anything in canada (just some left over's from boston's & some chips if you want 'em). the guy stares us down & says he'd hate to have to tear the truck apart. double awwwww shhhiiiitttt. & then, while i nearly passed out from holding my breath, he said happy new year, waved us on, & i casually, & like satan himself was chasing me, put distance between us & the border.