in my first telling of the great canadia adventure 2006, i neglected a few details. the first being to explain the title. which is reasonably funny without explanation, but could probably do with just a wee little bit of explanation.
jesus bobby comes to us thanks to miss jenn's mother who has been known to exclaim "jesus bobby" anytime her husband, bobby, does anything that infuriates her. while miss jenn was in vermont hanging with her family her little niece & nephews asked if she would like to hear an impression of grandma, when jenn said yes the three of them, in unison, said "jesus bobby!" & evidently sounded exactly like jenn's mom. unfortunately i didn't hear jenn's mom do her jesus bobby, but i heard jenn's niece heather do it several times, & it was freakin hilarious. i also met the infamous bobby, from jesus bobby, jenn's dad, & he's a very sweet guy.
& soon enough after leaving jenn's homestead the three of us were jesus bobby-ing our way across the country side. although at the border we made a different exclamation, it was much too serious for a jesus bobby...& we didn't want to confuse the border patrol & have them ask who's bobby. we escaped un-probed from the new york/canada border, & we're all glad for that.
the porn i was going to let slide with just mentioning it in general, but jenn wanted me to mention the porn, not sure why, but here it goes. we were at some random gas station in wisconsin, this was after our stop in chi-town for geno's pizza. we filled the car & got some so bad for us but oh so tasty snacks to stuff in our gobs when jenn's boy-dar went off. boy-dar is kinda like gay-dar except instead of alerting her to gay boys, it alerts her to cute boys. nice. & the cute boy was indeed very cute. & very naked. & on the cover of playgirl. ye-haw.
i'm still not quite sure how it all happened. but some how jenn & josh exited the store, with jenn still starry eyed over naked cutie on the playgirl, the playgirl still firmly in the magazine rack all while i was paying for chocolate to gnosh as we got back on the road. but jenn wanted the boy, badly. & i found myself back inside the gas station in po-dunk nowhere wisconsin buying a playgirl while the wholesome farm raised cashier blushed & picked the magazine up using as few fingers as possible to scan it & get me the hell out of her store. yeah, fat girl buying chocolate & a playgirl. there's gotta be a cliche in there somewhere.
on day one of our trip. pre-new york. pre-canada. pre-border patrol & near probing. jenn had told josh & i that she can't, under any circumstance, read while driving. & she also said that she often times she gets car sick just from riding in the backseat of a car. with all that said, i handed the playboy over to jenn, started the car, & guided us back onto the interstate to try to get us home at a decent hour. after playing with my digital camera, making josh look at the playgirl, & exclaiming after cutie's tattoos & other attributes i heard a small voice from the backseat say "i'm car sick."
"were you reading the play girl?" i asked, hoping that the back of my head wasn't about to be covered in recycled pizza.
& she admitted that yeah, she'd been reading the magazine, so josh asked, "& what did we learn?"
& jenn's answer was, "no reading porn in the backseat." in the same exact tone a kid would say something like "no cutting my brother's hair with saf-t scissors."
so there's the jesus bobby, the backseat porn, & we were in canada, so of course, gotta add a little eh, eh?
true story.
Showing posts with label canadia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label canadia. Show all posts
Friday, January 05, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
jesus bobby, no reading porn in the backseat, eh
so vermont & canada were a blast, eh.
left out of vermont quite a bit later than we really intended, & for once i was not the one making everyone late! ((that did feel good, a lot good, btw)) so we wound up not rolling into flint michigan until after 3am on the first of the year. it's the first time i've celebrated new years while traveling, & i mean while actually by-god-on-the-mother-fucking-road-at-the-turn-of-the-year, & i liked it. there was something semi-freeing about being hundreds of hundreds of miles away from home & on the road while the clock officially ticked over to 2007, & maybe that's just cause in a lot of ways 2006 sucked, big time.
at the last minute josh decided to join miss jenn & i on our great north american adventure, so it was kinda like thelma & louise in that we were traveling cross country with a boy, but unlike thelma & louise, no one got laid, murdered, or drove off a mountain. & none of it was done in a convertible. so maybe it wasn't quite like thelma & louise. but we did have porn. & pizza from geno's. & all those oddly canadian road side snacks like ketchup flavored lays potato chips, eh.
& if you pay any attention to the canadians & they're labeling laws, for rockstar (& other such energy drinks) "Recommended dose (adults): Drink 473ml 1 time per day, as needed." & according to the same can, one should not drink more than 500ml/day of rockstar. now if i don't listen to the recommended dosing of my own government, what makes anyone think that i'll listen to the guidelines of our neighbors to the north. & jenn & josh did have to cut me off having a 3rd 16oz can of the good stuff as we rolled on over the border from canada into the us. which probably wasn't a bad thing, cause if i hadn't've been cut off i may just have been the reason we got stopped at the border for a second time in 24hrs.
yeah, so about that. . .everyone will eventually hear about it, so i may as well fess up now & avoid the rumors & the paparazzi camping out on my door step. the three of us got held up in new york trying to re-enter the united states. see, what happened was, i hadn't been quite paying attention & we came to a T intersection in the road with a huge mother effing sign that said new york, with an arrow pointing to the left, and canada with an arrow pointing to the right. & jenn started to take a left, & then i said some smart ass comment about don't we want to go to canada, so she took a right, we were in canada for literally 2 seconds when we realized we made a wrong turn, hung a u-ey & tried to re-enter the country of our birth.
& that's when things got ugly. see, our story, which is 100% true, is that jenn was in vermont for a week visiting her family for christmas, she was buying her mother's car from her (which happens to have vermont handicap plates on it & four tires tied to the roof) i flew into burlington the day before to drive back to minnesota with her, josh flew into boston & then drove up to burlington from there the day before, & we planned on driving through canada to avoid the tolls, eh. yeah, even typing it the whole thing seems very bizzarre & highly suspect, but you know what they say, truth is stranger than fiction, & this is the by god truth.
so the guard saw the tires, the plates, the three minnesota ids & was like "yea, right, about that whole getting back into the country thing. . . ." & we were hauled into the office. grilled about EVERYTHING.
have you completely emptied your pockets, why do you have uncashed checks in your wallet, where are you going, why are you doing there, who's that, who's that, who's jenn, how do you know her, who's beckah, are you carrying any dope, why haven't you cashed these checks yet, who's john, why do you have a check from him, how long have you been at your job, what do you do, who's that, do you have any dope, why do you have vicodin, what's wrong with your ankle, is everything in that vehicle yours, take off your hat, flag your pockets, who's that, why are you going to canada, why are you in vermont, who's car is that, why are you going to minnesota, how long have you lived in minnesota, where did you live before that, do you have any dope on you. . .
yup. & basically the same on & on for a while. then they searched the car. basically tore everything out, put it back in a haphazard manner. threw our ids at us & basically told us to get out. god bless america.
so when we rolled across the border into canada a few hours later they asked our citizenship (american) & why we were going to canada (to drive through it) & said welcome to canada, have a nice day, eh.
& then after several hours on the road, a burning smell from the engine, rain, salt trucks, desolate canadian highways, & without tim dots, we pull up to the american border again, give the guy our licenses & he asks if any of us have ever been pulled inside before. awwwww shhhiiiitttt is all i could think. & we got a much shorter version basically asking us if we picked up anything in canada (just some left over's from boston's & some chips if you want 'em). the guy stares us down & says he'd hate to have to tear the truck apart. double awwwww shhhiiiitttt. & then, while i nearly passed out from holding my breath, he said happy new year, waved us on, & i casually, & like satan himself was chasing me, put distance between us & the border.
left out of vermont quite a bit later than we really intended, & for once i was not the one making everyone late! ((that did feel good, a lot good, btw)) so we wound up not rolling into flint michigan until after 3am on the first of the year. it's the first time i've celebrated new years while traveling, & i mean while actually by-god-on-the-mother-fucking-road-at-the-turn-of-the-year, & i liked it. there was something semi-freeing about being hundreds of hundreds of miles away from home & on the road while the clock officially ticked over to 2007, & maybe that's just cause in a lot of ways 2006 sucked, big time.
at the last minute josh decided to join miss jenn & i on our great north american adventure, so it was kinda like thelma & louise in that we were traveling cross country with a boy, but unlike thelma & louise, no one got laid, murdered, or drove off a mountain. & none of it was done in a convertible. so maybe it wasn't quite like thelma & louise. but we did have porn. & pizza from geno's. & all those oddly canadian road side snacks like ketchup flavored lays potato chips, eh.
& if you pay any attention to the canadians & they're labeling laws, for rockstar (& other such energy drinks) "Recommended dose (adults): Drink 473ml 1 time per day, as needed." & according to the same can, one should not drink more than 500ml/day of rockstar. now if i don't listen to the recommended dosing of my own government, what makes anyone think that i'll listen to the guidelines of our neighbors to the north. & jenn & josh did have to cut me off having a 3rd 16oz can of the good stuff as we rolled on over the border from canada into the us. which probably wasn't a bad thing, cause if i hadn't've been cut off i may just have been the reason we got stopped at the border for a second time in 24hrs.
yeah, so about that. . .everyone will eventually hear about it, so i may as well fess up now & avoid the rumors & the paparazzi camping out on my door step. the three of us got held up in new york trying to re-enter the united states. see, what happened was, i hadn't been quite paying attention & we came to a T intersection in the road with a huge mother effing sign that said new york, with an arrow pointing to the left, and canada with an arrow pointing to the right. & jenn started to take a left, & then i said some smart ass comment about don't we want to go to canada, so she took a right, we were in canada for literally 2 seconds when we realized we made a wrong turn, hung a u-ey & tried to re-enter the country of our birth.
& that's when things got ugly. see, our story, which is 100% true, is that jenn was in vermont for a week visiting her family for christmas, she was buying her mother's car from her (which happens to have vermont handicap plates on it & four tires tied to the roof) i flew into burlington the day before to drive back to minnesota with her, josh flew into boston & then drove up to burlington from there the day before, & we planned on driving through canada to avoid the tolls, eh. yeah, even typing it the whole thing seems very bizzarre & highly suspect, but you know what they say, truth is stranger than fiction, & this is the by god truth.
so the guard saw the tires, the plates, the three minnesota ids & was like "yea, right, about that whole getting back into the country thing. . . ." & we were hauled into the office. grilled about EVERYTHING.
have you completely emptied your pockets, why do you have uncashed checks in your wallet, where are you going, why are you doing there, who's that, who's that, who's jenn, how do you know her, who's beckah, are you carrying any dope, why haven't you cashed these checks yet, who's john, why do you have a check from him, how long have you been at your job, what do you do, who's that, do you have any dope, why do you have vicodin, what's wrong with your ankle, is everything in that vehicle yours, take off your hat, flag your pockets, who's that, why are you going to canada, why are you in vermont, who's car is that, why are you going to minnesota, how long have you lived in minnesota, where did you live before that, do you have any dope on you. . .
yup. & basically the same on & on for a while. then they searched the car. basically tore everything out, put it back in a haphazard manner. threw our ids at us & basically told us to get out. god bless america.
so when we rolled across the border into canada a few hours later they asked our citizenship (american) & why we were going to canada (to drive through it) & said welcome to canada, have a nice day, eh.
& then after several hours on the road, a burning smell from the engine, rain, salt trucks, desolate canadian highways, & without tim dots, we pull up to the american border again, give the guy our licenses & he asks if any of us have ever been pulled inside before. awwwww shhhiiiitttt is all i could think. & we got a much shorter version basically asking us if we picked up anything in canada (just some left over's from boston's & some chips if you want 'em). the guy stares us down & says he'd hate to have to tear the truck apart. double awwwww shhhiiiitttt. & then, while i nearly passed out from holding my breath, he said happy new year, waved us on, & i casually, & like satan himself was chasing me, put distance between us & the border.
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