the very last stop

one thing that they want to make sure of, at least at HCMC, is that before you make that drastic move of getting gastric bypass that you have really truly honest injin tried every single thing that you could in order to lose weight on your own. & i've been there. i did slim fast, metabo life, richard simmons, just about every program you can think of for weight loss. i've done meal replacements, i've done drastic changes to my diet, diet pills, working with a nutritionist, doctor supervised monthy monitoring...i mean EVERYTHING. & still, here i am weighing in at 260-something & while i have come down from my overall highest weight of 323, so that's about 50-ish pounds gone for good, it isn't enough for me.

my surgeon consult is set for friday february 9th, at 8am. so just under two weeks & i'll be sitting down to meet with the surgeon, he'll write a letter to my insurance company telling them that i'm the perfect candidate for surgery cause i've tried all the afore mentioned methods & i'm still a fat pig. ok, he'll be more professional than that in his letter, but that'll be the general tone of the letter.

& that brings me to what jenn & i just did today. no, nothing remotely thelma & louise-ish, & for you dirty boys in the crowd, nothing girl gone wild, or even just girls on too much schnapps-ish. we went to the Y & signed up for a personal trainer.

dum-da-da!

yeah. about that. we were just going to do their free program called fit start, which would've been great for us a year ago when i was able to do a whole minute on the elliptical before falling off & declaring that i would indeed die a painful death from my lungs bursting. the fit start is basically a twelve week program that gives people a wee bit of guidance while they find their way off the couch & onto a treadmill. luckily, i'm beyond that point. not where i would like to be, by any means, but still better off than i was a year ago.

so riley went over fit start with us, & jenn & i both quickly came to the realization that it was too basic for our current needs. so we decided to take the plunge & go for personal training. for group training it's $35/person/session. EEK! but the sessions are an hour long, & since we have similar goals it should work out well. so we're starting with two sessions a week, which means we'll be shelling out $70 a week to go into the Y & have a beautiful boy spend time with us. YUM. oh wait, i mean we'll be spending $70 a week to get focused weight training to increase fitness & health. yeah, that's it.

it's a lot of cash, admittedly, but if i really am going to admit defeat & say that yup, i need to go for the surgery, then i need to be abso-positively-fuckin-lutely sure that there is not anything more that i possibly could've done on my own to change things. & while if i stick to the on my own way, it will take longer, i think that i may get more satisfaction out of it.

now that january is nearly over

i figured that i would put up my new years resolutions. i've decided to do things differently this year. instead of putting up a laundry list of things i want to do, not do, or to change about myself or my environment, i'm taking a five pronged approach to 2007. it's the five f's of the new year, so five categories, & under each a couple things i want to accomplish in the next, oh, eleven-ish months.

each month i'm going to focus on a couple mini goals towards reaching my year end goals, so we'll have those posted. for now, this is good:

fitness
~work out an average of 4 days/week for 60+min/day
~be able to do 10 real push ups
~run for five minutes without dying
~by year's end be able to do firm videos without dying
~increase flexibility (for use in "fun" category)

finance
~pay off at least two of my credit cards
~put money into my savings with every check

future
~finish my novel
~finish revising my poetry book
~submit to at least 5 publications this year

fun
~get my 3rd tattoo
~party like it's 1999 for my 30th
~enjoy the last of my 20's & the start of my 30's
~end the year with ZERO regrets

focus
~work up to meditating 5 times a week by years end

saying good bye to old friends

i was just looking through pasta queen's archives & i came across a very apropo posting: good-bye to soda. even though christmas beat my ass like i was stealing its tv, i learned some very important lessons, the largest of which is: don't binge, food makes me feel bad, not good. i know, a very obvious thing, but in the life of a fat girl, it's not such an easy concept to embrace because, well, for many years i've been that fat girl stereo type. eating to make myself feel better. comforting myself with rich, sweet, tasty foods. anything with a complex texture & taste that made me forget whatever it was that inspired the binge. in high school, it was mostly feeling alone. food really was my best friend. i didn't have to worry about being judged, abandoned, made fun of, or harmed. it was there, no questions, no strings, just there. & i was a secret eater. it was my guilty pleasure. my addiction. it was my shame to conceal.

& when you start making food your friend at seven, it's hard to give it up, even if you know that it's slowly killing you. but lately, since christmas i'd say, or maybe more accurately, since the end of the canukian porn trip, i haven't felt that same urge. the longing & the desire to gorge myself is dissipating. i do definitely have my slips, like the 3 brownies at the post-funeral luncheon on tuesday, but i'm showing great restraint over all. i did not stuff myself at little oven tuesday evening, even though their garlic butter is so good i'd fight my mom for the last piece of bread. & yesterday i passed by the two cakes (one chocolate & one white with raspberry filling) that were sitting in the breakroom in the afternoon. i actually passed by them several times, without so much as the teensiest tiniest morsel touching my lips. i didn't even have a post workout evening snack when i got home. i was hungry, but drank some water, played some wow, & pushed on through it. & that felt good.

sometimes, the things we love the most are the things that are the most detrimental to our well being. case in point: tssob (the southern son of a bitch). while in the relationship i loved him, er, thought i did. & i was so wrapped up in that dysfunctional relationship that i was literally blinded by the truth. it really was like i was seeing my life through a tunnel. & all around me my parents, tina, rachel, all my friends, even my coworkers saw the truth as plain as a billboard on 94, flashing red & orange, danger ahead. but all i saw was the road straight ahead of me, nothing else. & then one day, i woke up, realized i'd been wasting my time, money, my life, on someone who was completely unworthy of any of my attention, much less the degree of caring that i invested in that relationship. & FINALLY, then, it was ok for me to simply say good bye & walk away. ((OK, i do still have some anger issues over the fact that the lying cheating mother fucker never sent me back my stuff which he said SEVERAL times he'd do & then the bastard kept calling me for a year after i broke up with him trying to insinuate himself back into my life. & luckily for me, he's a closet racist & stopped calling me when i told him i had a temporary booty call in the form of a yummy indian boy. yo.))

& with food it's kind of the same way right now. the things that used to be my biggest vices no longer hold the same appeal to me. for instance, the brownies at the luncheon were just OK, nothing fantastic. & i think i had them out of boredom. hoping that they would taste better. we can always chalk it up to grief too, if we want. but i'm not even trying to make any excuses for the brownies because, it happened, i felt like shyte afterwards, & i'm over it now. & even with the slip up for the luncheon, i don't feel the same way towards food anymore. just like with tssob, one day i opened my eyes & was able to see a huge world beyond the tunnel vision of the routine of eating.

i know that it's not going to change how i feel except for possibly giving me a gut ache & making me feel guilty for putting such horrible things in my body. neither of those is a very appealing option for me at this time. i like feeling strong & healthy. with my tummy satisfied from good food, but not overly stuffed & miserable. & looking back over the years i know that i've said this kind of thing before, but i think that i've finally reached my limit with junk food. i've been living that old tired saying of "living to eat instead of eating to live." & like any addict, i've let my addiction control me, warp my everyday actions. while i'm not knocking over a liquor store or purse snatching from old ladies, it was controlling my life. it's not like i sit at my desk fidgeting until i can get that next twinkie fix, but it was getting to the point where all my socializing was done over food. i was going out to dinner several times a week, sometimes twice a day. so it really is time for me to cut the ties, say good bye to all of those bad food fetishes, & look into the future & find a life for me outside of being just the fat girl. part of it is growing up, part of it is just living life & taking in the little experiences to compile them into something larger, & a large part of it is having faith in yourself & your abilities.

& it feels damn good to have that faith. that strength. to break away from familiarity. from the ties. from the safety of routine. & find a new way in the world.

when i die, bury me with orange pop

this past weekend one of my residents at the group home died. ok, background: in addition to working in insurance i work at a group home, every other weekend, where i've worked since december of 1995.

when i first started there, i hated it. i mean, hated with everything i was. i like the residents, i always have, but i didn't like some of our management, some of the other staff & lots of the policies. but over time i've mellowed out quite a bit & can take most everything with a grain of salt. & of course, the residents are so much a part of my life that it's odd when i do take time off & don't see them for a while.

i go to their christmas party, when they're in the hospital i visit, they're just like my extended family. except instead of feeling obligated to care because of blood lines, i care because they're such great people that i feel blessed to have them in my life. & i have to say, while i've been told by their families that my residents' lives are better because i'm there, i think that i am really the lucky one because they have taught me SO much about being a good person, love, selflessness, & just about every other human trait you could imagine.

my resident that died had only been with us at our house for about three years, but i loved going in & seeing her. she had the brightest smile, that would just light up the entire room. & she was the biggest prankster, loving to joke with the staff, tease us, make us smile. i really feel like something very special has been taken from my life.

her funeral is tomorrow, the memorial service part, with the internment of her body later on in the week. i have the day off my full time job & i'll be doing a reading. i said i would write a poem for her, if i could, otherwise i have a couple of bible verses, corinthians & ecclesiastes. i want to write her a poem, she deserves at least that from me for all that i got from her, but i'm not sure if i can do it.

& one thing that i definitely want to put out into the universe is that even though she did have disabilities, her life was still very rich & full. she liked spending time outside, playing cards, orange pop, chocolate pudding, going on vacations, van rides, socializing with her house mates & staff. she had family that wrote her letters & visited her. & most of all, she was very very loved & cherished. & in the end, that's all any of us can hope for at the end of our life, that we mattered that much to someone else.

week 2 & doing ok

so ticker requires a password now to update it's tickers & i had lost my last one :( so i had to redo it. the only upside is that now i can see the difference in the tickers between last week & this week. which is the only obnoxious thing about the new ticker coding, it over rides from the previous week. *shrugs* whatever. at least i was able to get a ticker, format it to look the way i want, & get it updated on my site.

i am happy that i'm finally losing weight. ok, so it took the eminent threat of surgery & the remote possibility of death to make any of the fat mosey it's way on down the road. & at this point in time i'm being mildly optimistic because of the fact that, as you all can see from the ticker below, i have quite a ways to go yet before i reach even my tier 1 goal, which i'm not going to stop at, especially if i keep shrinking! :) at 5'4" i'm still going to look like a pretty big porker at 176. then again, the last time i knowingly weighed anywhere near that i was in 8th grade & weighed 180lbs, so i have no clue in actuality.

on the upside, once i lose another 15.7 lbs, or get down to 249.5, my star will be halfway to my catepiller's head. yippee! my bmi will also be down to 42.8, which is quite a drop from the starting bmi of 55.4.

so, cautiously optimistic is how i'm going to proceed.

standing at the crossroads

once upon a time, there was a fat girl. & while her body carried more weight than it really should, she was still very pretty. but the extra flesh caused her to shy away from certain activities for much of her life for fear that she would be rejected simply because she was the fat girl. & while for many years she did find solace, comfort, & friendship in sweets & comfort foods. hiding behind her food fetishes, swallowing her hurt bite by bite, squeezing her eyes tight to stop the flow of the tears. it became a weary habit. the sweets turning to saw dust in her mouth as another day slipped into another & she was in her teens, & then out of highschool, into her twenties & her life was falling by her like sand through open fingers.

every new year she promised herself it would be the last year she'd be fat. every year since she was eleven, or maybe even ten. & then finally one day in the middle of the nevada desert she was sick of her life running, wasted, like the sand, & decided to change. & it was as easy as that, as deciding that not only would she change, but she could, & she did, for a while.

for the first time it was the fat girl's turn to shine in the spot light. & she had confidence, & grace& sensuality oozing from every pore of her body. & the boys flocked. & she glowed. & somehow, in the new found self hidden within the fat cells she found an identity behind the secret eating, avoided eye contact, & super sized clothing. she found out who she was. & she liked it & liked herself.

& then she fell. in love. perhaps. & gained again. fifty pounds in what seemed like over night, but was more like a couple months. & the years of work & struggle, which didn't seem like struggle at the time, but in retrospect were struggle & sacrifice, were for nothing. & the cute size 16 jeans still hung on her wall. the tags still attached. never worn.

one day, our girl woke up, without the boy, & it was ok. cause it really was more about the journey, not the destination. or rather, not a set destination. & it was about the person she became in the time, & the fat girl realized that to be happy she had to be selfish. had to put herself first. meditate. serach her heart. stare directly into her future. her mortality. beyond her mortality. to define her life.

somewhere in the middle of all of that, she found herself going down a path she swore she'd never follow, the road that would take her to surgically altering her body for good. for weight loss. for her health? & so now the fat girl stands at the crossroads. still struggling to become thin & healthy on her own. but with the allure of surgery glowing in the near distance, two thirds through the approval process, onto the last leg of the journey.

she knows thin does not equal happiness. or perfection. or peace. but she feels deep inside it does equal a better quality of life. more opportunities. the chance to do - & she feels that her fat is holding her back. & yeah, she'll go from being the fat girl, to just the girl. & that's ok too. but she stands now, the fork in the road now clearly visible in front of her. the two paths still one, but now wider. she can continue on as she has been, struggling on her own, seeming to continually fail, or she can ask for help & hope, feverently hope, that help combined with will power & sheer determination will pull her through in the end.

& as the path widens she zig-zags between the two choices. knowing her will power is strong, but weak as well. her determination is there. her vision is there. but not yet believing she can do it on her own. & not wanting to admit that she's weak & can't do it on her own. & trying to see herself twenty years in the future, looking back on this moment, being proud of the choice she made, but not knowing which it will be in the end.

the crossroads are visible ahead, just like the fables say, & the devil's there with his deal. but she doesn't know who's the devil, who's her savior, & which choice will redeem her soul.

starting out fresh: weigh in #1

we had our first weigh in for the competition & it went well for me. i'm down 1.6 lbs from my starting weight last week, which is a fairly reasonable start, not so much that i wind up disappointed later on by small numbers, but also enough so that i feel like i accomplished something, & i finally got myself out of the damned 270's, again.

& while i was rather irked at the tickerfactory a few weeks ago for the issues with the website & getting the tickers going, i'm rather happy now because of the fact that to their weight loss ticker they've added a fuctionality that automatically calculates your bmi for you, & i can also pull up a graph of my weight loss if i enter the date each time i do my ticker. woot. so here's my tubby catepiller with my even tubbier weight & bmi attached.

although, i would like to note, that while i'm still very fat, i'm not as fat as i was, & i have done semi reasonably well at keeping fifty pounds off of my body. & while it's not the 150lbs that i would like to say that i've lost, it's still a pretty good amount & something to definitely be proud of.

the cute boy litmus test

last night jenn & i made our some what triumphant return to the Y after being gone from the gym for a little over two weeks. part of our motivation being that we both feel like crap after stuffing our gobs with cookies, fudge, gravy fries, alcohol, & such until we thought we would actually literally burst. & then part of it is that challenge number two rolled around & she & i have some serious competition this time around & we need to kick some serious tail this time around! when we strolled into the Y, ok, jenn strolled, i was more like waddling into the Y, there was only one elliptical free, which i graciously told miss jenn to take, only to have another open up ten seconds later, so i was ellipticalling in no time at all. when people say it's a whole lot harder to start something again after quitting, they are so not lying! yesterday i almost died on the elliptical, seriously. jenn was so close to having to post me on mydealthspace & then attending my funeral. but luckily, i drank some water, counted down the seconds, & didn't fall on my face as i dismounted the elliptical. face planting in the Y is definietly not a good thing.

i walked by jenn's elliptical as my legs did their impression of jello, she was breezily gliding on the elliptical with another 27minutes to go, she was doing an hour. the chubi. seriously, love her to death, but wanted to punch her square in the balls because i was there hyperventilating & she was breathing normally & looking decidedly NOT sweaty. she offered to leave early for me, & s grunted that nah, i should really do some time on the treadmill.

as i walked to the back of the gym to the nice brand-new-just-arrived-after-thanksgiving treadmills i noticed a boy. correction. a hot boy. & then i had this awful image of this dark haired beauty running & watching my jiggly ass in my black leggings bounce around & laughing so hard that he trips & is shot straight into the wall. no way was i going to be responsible for that. so i went to the back row on treadmills, an old guy is short-shorts between me & the beauty.

but then i started doubting myself. cause my cute boy radar has been quite dodgy lately, i’ve been declaring males hot who were showing up as a definite not. & i was seriously wishing jenn was next to me so i could get her spot on opinion of the dark haired possible hottie. i was still dutifully plodding along on my treadmill at a whopping 2.2 miles per hour with a everest like incline of 3.0 when the hottie jumped off the treadmill & went to lift weights.

ye-haw. he was going to walk right in front of jenn’s machine.

if he was indeed cute i’d see a sign, even from halfway across the gym. so the dark beauty with the built upper arms & tattoo walked right in front of jenn & nothing. damn it. & then. something wondrous happened. jenn’s head tilted ever so slightly to the right & i just knew, just KNEW that her eyes were following the boy into the weight room. now it’s not like she was ogling him like a ravenous dog & a steak or anything, it was the smallest little movement, as if she was looking at the clock, which just so happens to be right above the weight lifting area. but the timing was just right so i knew that she sure as fuck wasn’t checking out the time.

hot damn, he really was hot. he passed the jenn test.

but the very best part of the whole night was as i was dropping jenn off at her apartment. & i was telling her that there was this cute guy that i saw, but then i wasn’t sure if he was cute, & then, he walked in front of her & i saw her checking him out. & she kinda couldn’t believe that i caught her checking him out.

& i have a whole new reason to drag my ass to the Y every night, the beautiful tattooed boy. although i’ve also developed an odd phobia regarding how people view me from the back when i work out. maybe it’ll even out in the end.

jesus bobby & the porn: a ca-nadia adventure

in my first telling of the great canadia adventure 2006, i neglected a few details. the first being to explain the title. which is reasonably funny without explanation, but could probably do with just a wee little bit of explanation.

jesus bobby comes to us thanks to miss jenn's mother who has been known to exclaim "jesus bobby" anytime her husband, bobby, does anything that infuriates her. while miss jenn was in vermont hanging with her family her little niece & nephews asked if she would like to hear an impression of grandma, when jenn said yes the three of them, in unison, said "jesus bobby!" & evidently sounded exactly like jenn's mom. unfortunately i didn't hear jenn's mom do her jesus bobby, but i heard jenn's niece heather do it several times, & it was freakin hilarious. i also met the infamous bobby, from jesus bobby, jenn's dad, & he's a very sweet guy.

& soon enough after leaving jenn's homestead the three of us were jesus bobby-ing our way across the country side. although at the border we made a different exclamation, it was much too serious for a jesus bobby...& we didn't want to confuse the border patrol & have them ask who's bobby. we escaped un-probed from the new york/canada border, & we're all glad for that.

the porn i was going to let slide with just mentioning it in general, but jenn wanted me to mention the porn, not sure why, but here it goes. we were at some random gas station in wisconsin, this was after our stop in chi-town for geno's pizza. we filled the car & got some so bad for us but oh so tasty snacks to stuff in our gobs when jenn's boy-dar went off. boy-dar is kinda like gay-dar except instead of alerting her to gay boys, it alerts her to cute boys. nice. & the cute boy was indeed very cute. & very naked. & on the cover of playgirl. ye-haw.

i'm still not quite sure how it all happened. but some how jenn & josh exited the store, with jenn still starry eyed over naked cutie on the playgirl, the playgirl still firmly in the magazine rack all while i was paying for chocolate to gnosh as we got back on the road. but jenn wanted the boy, badly. & i found myself back inside the gas station in po-dunk nowhere wisconsin buying a playgirl while the wholesome farm raised cashier blushed & picked the magazine up using as few fingers as possible to scan it & get me the hell out of her store. yeah, fat girl buying chocolate & a playgirl. there's gotta be a cliche in there somewhere.

on day one of our trip. pre-new york. pre-canada. pre-border patrol & near probing. jenn had told josh & i that she can't, under any circumstance, read while driving. & she also said that she often times she gets car sick just from riding in the backseat of a car. with all that said, i handed the playboy over to jenn, started the car, & guided us back onto the interstate to try to get us home at a decent hour. after playing with my digital camera, making josh look at the playgirl, & exclaiming after cutie's tattoos & other attributes i heard a small voice from the backseat say "i'm car sick."

"were you reading the play girl?" i asked, hoping that the back of my head wasn't about to be covered in recycled pizza.

& she admitted that yeah, she'd been reading the magazine, so josh asked, "& what did we learn?"

& jenn's answer was, "no reading porn in the backseat." in the same exact tone a kid would say something like "no cutting my brother's hair with saf-t scissors."

so there's the jesus bobby, the backseat porn, & we were in canada, so of course, gotta add a little eh, eh?

true story.

jesus bobby, no reading porn in the backseat, eh

so vermont & canada were a blast, eh.

left out of vermont quite a bit later than we really intended, & for once i was not the one making everyone late! ((that did feel good, a lot good, btw)) so we wound up not rolling into flint michigan until after 3am on the first of the year. it's the first time i've celebrated new years while traveling, & i mean while actually by-god-on-the-mother-fucking-road-at-the-turn-of-the-year, & i liked it. there was something semi-freeing about being hundreds of hundreds of miles away from home & on the road while the clock officially ticked over to 2007, & maybe that's just cause in a lot of ways 2006 sucked, big time.

at the last minute josh decided to join miss jenn & i on our great north american adventure, so it was kinda like thelma & louise in that we were traveling cross country with a boy, but unlike thelma & louise, no one got laid, murdered, or drove off a mountain. & none of it was done in a convertible. so maybe it wasn't quite like thelma & louise. but we did have porn. & pizza from geno's. & all those oddly canadian road side snacks like ketchup flavored lays potato chips, eh.

& if you pay any attention to the canadians & they're labeling laws, for rockstar (& other such energy drinks) "Recommended dose (adults): Drink 473ml 1 time per day, as needed." & according to the same can, one should not drink more than 500ml/day of rockstar. now if i don't listen to the recommended dosing of my own government, what makes anyone think that i'll listen to the guidelines of our neighbors to the north. & jenn & josh did have to cut me off having a 3rd 16oz can of the good stuff as we rolled on over the border from canada into the us. which probably wasn't a bad thing, cause if i hadn't've been cut off i may just have been the reason we got stopped at the border for a second time in 24hrs.

yeah, so about that. . .everyone will eventually hear about it, so i may as well fess up now & avoid the rumors & the paparazzi camping out on my door step. the three of us got held up in new york trying to re-enter the united states. see, what happened was, i hadn't been quite paying attention & we came to a T intersection in the road with a huge mother effing sign that said new york, with an arrow pointing to the left, and canada with an arrow pointing to the right. & jenn started to take a left, & then i said some smart ass comment about don't we want to go to canada, so she took a right, we were in canada for literally 2 seconds when we realized we made a wrong turn, hung a u-ey & tried to re-enter the country of our birth.

& that's when things got ugly. see, our story, which is 100% true, is that jenn was in vermont for a week visiting her family for christmas, she was buying her mother's car from her (which happens to have vermont handicap plates on it & four tires tied to the roof) i flew into burlington the day before to drive back to minnesota with her, josh flew into boston & then drove up to burlington from there the day before, & we planned on driving through canada to avoid the tolls, eh. yeah, even typing it the whole thing seems very bizzarre & highly suspect, but you know what they say, truth is stranger than fiction, & this is the by god truth.

so the guard saw the tires, the plates, the three minnesota ids & was like "yea, right, about that whole getting back into the country thing. . . ." & we were hauled into the office. grilled about EVERYTHING.

have you completely emptied your pockets, why do you have uncashed checks in your wallet, where are you going, why are you doing there, who's that, who's that, who's jenn, how do you know her, who's beckah, are you carrying any dope, why haven't you cashed these checks yet, who's john, why do you have a check from him, how long have you been at your job, what do you do, who's that, do you have any dope, why do you have vicodin, what's wrong with your ankle, is everything in that vehicle yours, take off your hat, flag your pockets, who's that, why are you going to canada, why are you in vermont, who's car is that, why are you going to minnesota, how long have you lived in minnesota, where did you live before that, do you have any dope on you. . .

yup. & basically the same on & on for a while. then they searched the car. basically tore everything out, put it back in a haphazard manner. threw our ids at us & basically told us to get out. god bless america.

so when we rolled across the border into canada a few hours later they asked our citizenship (american) & why we were going to canada (to drive through it) & said welcome to canada, have a nice day, eh.

& then after several hours on the road, a burning smell from the engine, rain, salt trucks, desolate canadian highways, & without tim dots, we pull up to the american border again, give the guy our licenses & he asks if any of us have ever been pulled inside before. awwwww shhhiiiitttt is all i could think. & we got a much shorter version basically asking us if we picked up anything in canada (just some left over's from boston's & some chips if you want 'em). the guy stares us down & says he'd hate to have to tear the truck apart. double awwwww shhhiiiitttt. & then, while i nearly passed out from holding my breath, he said happy new year, waved us on, & i casually, & like satan himself was chasing me, put distance between us & the border.

my list: 101 things in 1001 days

1 learn to play the guitar
2 re-learn french
3 finish my novel
4 finish my poetry book
5 graduate with my mfa
6 see disney world
7 go to ireland
8 get my third tattoo
9 pierce my belly button
10 pierce my upper ears
11 bungee jump
12 sky dive
13 snow board
14 weigh less than 200lbs
15 learn to drive a stick
16 fly first class
17 get out of credit card debt
18 buy a house
19 visit seattle
20 become a sophmore burner
21 learn to swim
22 get my passport
23 become an expert at reading tarot
24 complete the breast cancer 3 day
25 visit vermont (completed 12/30-31/06)
26 go to canada(completed 12/31/06-1/1/07)
27 go roller blading again
28 visit & return from mexico
29 write a song
30 see the salt flats in utah
31 have a spa weekend
32 finish my bartending classes
33 make a quilt entirely by hand
34 celebrate mardi gras in new orleans
35 go skiing
36 go to italy
37 make my own candles
38 take swing dancing lessons
39 go scuba diving
40 get my 4th tattoo
41 get my 5th tattoo
42 go to the garlic festival in gilroy, ca
43 enter the pillsbury bake-off
45 make my own spaghetti sauce from scratch
46 spend a week in alaska
47 complete NaNoWriMo (@ least 50k words)
48 pull taffy
49 spend a year being selfish
50 learn another lanaguage (other than french)
51 do a past life regression
52 have at least one end game character on WoW (completed 1/14/07)
53 practice palmistry
54 play in the ocean
55 see new york city (not by plane)
56 go the grand canyon
57 tour hoover damn
58 invent a cocktail
59 try a REAL martini (not-a-freakin-fru-fru-it-ends-in-tini-so-it's-a-martini)
60 find my spirituality
61 become ambedextrus
62 run for more than a minute
63 become lost
64 find myself
65 finish my james dean collage
66 read "the inferno"
67 write a fan letter to stephen king
68 write a thank you letter to stephen thayor
69 send my mom flowers for no reason (completed 02/27/2007)
70 take my dad to a movie for no reason
71 surprise my grandma with lunch/dinner
72 get up to enjoy the sunrise
73 watch the sunset
74 get to at least 30 states on my list
75 go to hawaii
76 make home made chili
77 rollar blade around lake phalen
78 win a game of cribbage against jenn-jenn
79 drive to california
80 dance on myrtle beach
81 make my parents proud of me
82 forgive grandma ginger
83 talk to my dad about vietnam
84 go to the top of the empire state building
85 have my dad teach me glass etching
86 make kuchen with my mom
87 have matt teach me how to change the oil in a car
88 help matt restore my dad's mustang
89 save $5,000 & keep it in the bank
90 write my dad's story
91 learn to lucid dream
92 create a garlic recipe to enter in the gilroy festival
93 take a photography class
94 become a pool shark (ok, reasonably good at pool will suffice)
95make a new year's resolution that i stick with for one whole year
96 go to a wild game with my dad
97 see a cirque de solel performance
98 interview grandpa caruso for a west 7th street book
99 do 10 real push-ups without dying
100 let myself write at least 30 minutes a day
101 finish this entire list in 1001 days

meet my newest pet: gwennie

adopt your own virtual pet!

care bear philosophy

it's been said by too many people in too many ways, that the ending of one thing should be thought of, not as an ending, but as the beginning of something else. also, when god closes a door, he opens a window. yada yada yada. it's a tired & worn out phrase, ideology, something warm & fuzzy to wrap ourselves in when something in our life goes awry & we need to feel better about our past & where we still have to travel in the future.

fuck. that. shit.

sometimes a girl needs to wallow. with a long island. or a big mother-effing bottle of tequila.

i won't say that i regret anything that's happened in the past two years, because to say i regret it is to say that, if given the chance, i would change it, & i wouldn't change it. because that's not the way i roll.

like everything in my life i'm trying to look at the opportunities that are being presented to me now instead of what i'm losing. & it's hard, because, well, the afore mentioned long islands &/or bottle of tequila for starters. but beyond that, 'cause i hate saying good bye. & i hate admitting that i'm wrong.

& most of all, i hate failing, at anything. & i feel like i failed. big time.

no matter what anyone says, it's how i feel. & i won't apologize for how i feel. it cheapens you, & your emotions, to apologize for them.

& that's all i have to say about that.

holiday hangover

i think i ingested five & a half pounds of sugar over the past two days. my tummy is pretending it's a sailor & tying itself in knots, my blood is slogging through my body laden down with the sugar crystals, & my head is heavy & fuzzy, & all i wanna do is sleep.

oh holy hell i feel like crap!

& here i swore i'd never do that to myself again. never again would i stuff my face so full of food that i felt hung over the next day from the excess, & yet, oops, i did it again. except without the pop soundtrack, skimpy clothes, or suggestive dance.

what is it about christmas, or any holiday for that matter, that makes us not only feel it's ok to over indulge, but makes us feel entitled to gorge ourselves past our limits?

i won't do this to myself on new years eve, i guar-en-tee it.

merry christmas!

it's december 25th again & all over people are celebrating christmas. for each person christmas means a different thing. for some it really is a true religious celebration. for some it's all about the gifts & getting that perfect gift (how many people elbowed old ladies this year to get their hands on a wii?) & for some it's just an annoying day that all the stores are closed & you can't even get a big mac at mickey d's.

for me, christmas is about family. unfortunately, most christmases my dad has to work, 8am-4pm, which sucks, a lot. then again, there have been quite a few years that i had to work on christmas day also. the gifts are nice, don't get me wrong. but in a way i'm more excited about giving to my family, seeing their faces when they open those packages that i put so much time into picking out, & not so much time into wrapping.

right now it's 2:30pm & all over america kids are blissed out from playing with their new presents, tvs have wii controls embedded in them, & adults are half schnockered from too much egg nog. & here at my house, we have tbs' 24 hours of a christmas story on the boob tube, the dog is wandering around looking confused, my brother just woke up & is in the shower, my sister is plotting her day after christmas sales plan, my mom is making a sandwich, & i'm curled up with my laptop & my cleo cat. all of us waiting on four o'clock when my dad will be home & we can really start enjoying the holiday.

my fondest memories of christmas from when i was young is the look on my dad's face when my mom would show up at his work, with all of us kids, bags stuffed with sandwich meat, dollar buns, chips, cookies, kuchen, cans of pop, & vhs tapes with our favorite christmas movies. & we'd invade my dad's work for a few hours, eating a christmas lunch, talking, watching movies, drinking hot cocoa. & it made his day just a little bit better.

no matter what you are doing today, i hope your day is good, that you get at least a small christmas miracle.

good bye, travel well, mnboy

a friend of mine has an "activity partner" that has been nicknamed "minnesota boy," shortened to mnboy for the purpose of text messages. i have yet to meet the infamous mnboy, he seems to dodge every chance to make my fabulous acquaintance, but it still seems like the polite thing to wish him a fond farewell.

he's decided that minnesota is played out, has nothing to offer him, (though, personally, i would beg to differ). so he's packing his jeep & heading off, to the south, to the west, i guess where ever the feeling moves him. georgia has been mentioned, so has the fabulous bay area. & though i've never met the boy, up close & personal, i do wish him the best.

it's been said that he's a blog fan of mine, so why not wish him well on his future travels, & at the same time, make him blog famous? he already is semi-blog famous, anyone remember the august post let's hear it for the boy? mnboy was the misfortune's mike in the story, who stacked shit from his garage on top of his car to fall into his apartment with his junk hanging out? yeah, i still smile a little when i pull that one from the archives.

to send mnboy into blog fame we'll resurrect mike & suzy from their aliases of august to give the most recent, & last installment, of their adventures.

on sunday i was over at suzy's place picking her up for a christmas party, & i see this rather delish boy walk out of her apartment building wearing pj bottoms & a hoodie & i mentally say "oh baby" & then a part of me thinks, "i bet that's mnboy." no reason, i just think that. then the delish boy goes over to a jeep, gets in, sits there for a hella long time, making me think that cutie wasn't the famed mnboy, just someone who lives at suzy's building, then the jeep reverses, i see the plates in my review (florida i note....which IS where mnboy's parents reside) & suz is running terribly late so i think "BUSTED! she was getting some sunday boom-boom & that's why she was late."

& i really was going to call her out on it, but she came out to my truck after i'd been sitting there for a good twenty minutes apologizing & looking all rushed & harried (& she had christmas pressies for me) so i felt bad & decided not to call her out on it.

fast forward to wednesday morning. i pull up to her apartment building & see the same jeep with florida plates in the parking lot. hmmm. & she admitted that mnboy was still there asleep in her bed. double hmmm. so she gets in my truck & i ask, ever so casually, "is that mnboy's jeep?" & she says yes & i did the whole ah-ha! thing.

which led to confusion. suzy wanted to know what in the hell i was talking about. i thought she was playing it super cool, acting like she didn't know anything about the cute boy in the pj bottoms strolling out of the building & getting into the jeep in question. & then we discovered, she wasn't being coy, playing sly, or anything. he hadn't really been warming her bed saturday night or sunday morning. she hadn't seen the boy. & from my description of the apartment cutie he sounded like i did indeed see the elusive mnboy exiting the building.

& suzy was mad.

& got madder through out the day. she kept popping up over my cube wall & asking me, what did the pajama bottoms look like? could i see the dude's arms? did he have tattoos on them? hair color? style? was i for-absolute-cross-my-heart-&-swear-to-die-super-positive that i saw that jeep? & i answered the questions until i was blue in the face. & i didn't read the plates, but i saw the jeep, saw the florida plates, & even (quite lamely & half heartedly) put forth the explanation that it could be that there are two identical jeeps with florida plates not only in minnesota but chilling at that building in minnetonka.

through out the day suzy texted mike to get his version of the story. & we, suzy & i that is, not mike & i, came to the conclusion that no boy would be dumb enough to have two booty calls in the exact same apartment building when he doesn't even live in said building. & mnboy mike maintained his innocence, & i maintained what my brown eyes saw, & suzy wound up confused but knew i wouldn't lie to her.

& suzy was just going to write the whole thing off, mnboy would be moving & no longer a mnboy, he'd be a caliboy or gaboy, but someone else's boy anyway. until we pulled up to her building after work. & what do we see parked right across from the front door, almost in a mocking way, if cars could mock. yup, the jeep with florida plate. & suzy looked at it & asked if it had tinted windows, which it did.

what happened next was both hilarious in the moment, & after, & slightly terrifying at the same time. suzy flung open the door of my truck, nearly fell out of it, actually. grabbed her gym bag & keys, as she was trying to shove my crap back into the truck. she yelled that she'd call me later as she slammed the door & ran into her building. first off gang, i have never seen suzy run, i was in straight up shock over that one. & then i thought she just may kill him. & then we'd have a dead mnboy to deal with. which can be fine in the summer, but it's winter, the ground is frozen & i didn't have a hole prepared anywhere.

so i sent her a text:

don't kill him! you're too pretty for prison!

she didn't kill him. mnboy told our little suzy that he loaned his jeep to a friend to get a christmas tree & that he had his friend's car. & my description sort of fit him, & other cute boys with dark hair, hoodies, & green plaid flannel pj bottoms. but he still claims it was the other cute guy with the jeep with florida plates (is anyone thinking this sounds like the fugitive....i swear it was the one armed man!) at the apartment building sunday evening. & considering the other jeep with florida plates is still in the parking lot, still covered in melting snow, & supposedly mnboy is at his own apartment.

& from all of us here at beckah's blog, meaning just my bad self, we say "bon voyage, mnboy. so long, & thanks for all the fish."

PeNoWriMo

i didn't do as well during NaNoWriMo as i would've hoped. i made it to about 8,000 words, i know it wasn't into the 9s, but somewhere in the 8s. about 16% completion is what i reached, not spectacular at all. so i decided i'll do it again, in january, & i'll hold myself accountable online. yes, the ticker does say exercise, but they didn't really have any other ones that would work for this.

currently i'm in the process of changing the spare room in the basement from jack's room back to an office for myself. yeah, the room is kind of dark & does have the horrid brady-style paneling on the walls. but it has a door & it's all mine, so it's a pretty good start.

i'm still trying to finish my novel for my thesis. wish me luck gang, the official countdown begins on january first, but i'm taking the last 12 days of december as my gearing up & getting ready time.

surgery on the horizon

i had my last meeting with christine this morning, the dietician at hcmc. she said that i was doing really well & that she was going to pass my information onto the people that do the scheduling for the surgical team. she also said, again, that if it wasn't for my insurance requiring me to meet with her three times that she would've passed me right away on the first appointment, that feels good, i will admit, to know that i was doing everything possible to lose weight & that someone in the medical community supported me & said "yes, she needs our help to get to lose weight." it's also an odd feeling of defeat & shame. that it really & truly means that i'm failing/failed at the weight loss battle.

the psychiatrist also had good things to say about me. so the next stop on the fa(s)t train is the surgeon. at hcmc they do the meetings with the surgeons every other week. the way it was explained to me is that the surgeons alternate weeks, the meetings are on friday mornings at 8am, the surgeon meets with several people as a large group, discusses both roux-en-y & lab band surgeries, & then after the "group" meeting, the surgeon meets individually with each patient to discuss the specifics of the surgery they are interested in getting, any personal questions they have, & all of that. the surgeon writes to the insurance company including notes of the dietician, psychiatrist & all the information they have to show why this person should be approved for weight loss surgery.

the timeline is looking something like this: it'll be some time in january that i meet with the surgeon for the first time, then about 15 days to get the response from my insurance, after that is a go, then we'll look at scheduling the actual surgery, which is looking like possibly february at the earliest, depending on when all of the rest of this is going to take place. it's really odd to think that by the time spring is here that i may have surgically altered my body & the way it handles digestion meaning it'll alter the way that i interact with food.

to quote joey: WHOA!

yeah, pretty heavy stuff we're dealing with here, pun possibly intended. then again, there is still hope for me. i did lose some weight on the challenge that i did with jenn this past fall. it wasn't a total success because she won (yea jenn!) which means that i lost. the competition. some weight, but not enough. & we're starting another challenge on january 5th. that will be the starting weight day. & then hard core from there. it'll be me, jenn, & angel again. we'll also be joined by a few other coworkers. so i need to just get my ass dedicated & do what i need to. i hate to lose, ya know.

& this last competition, since it's right before the (possible) surgery, is my very last chance to do it on my own. yeah, maybe this seems a little odd to try to push myself to lose a lot of weight before i intend on getting weight loss surgery. but the thing is, if i postpone the weight loss surgery path right now, it'll take me that much longer to go through the process again if/when i fail (again) at this on my own. i really don't know for sure where i stand on this. i know that i really wish that i could do this all on my own. but i also think that i've really reached the point where i cannot do this on my own, i need some extra help. & i need to realize that there's absolutely no shame in admitting that you need someone else's help. sometimes being strong really does mean admitting that you're weak & need intervention to get yourself to the finish line.

it's all about the motivation

it's been said over & over that a lot of life & what you accomplish with the time that you're given is about the effort you put in, & related to that, about how motivated you are to achieve. what is often lacking in that whole description is the fear part.

trying to succeed at anything is scary. because you may fail. & no matter how many people believe in you & cheer you on, there's still that little itching of doubt in the back of your brain. that voice that sounds like (your over critical grand parent-abusive ex-second grade teacher-FILL IN THE BLANK) that voice that gets stronger sometimes the harder you try. the voice that tells you: you aren't talented! what do you think you're doing? no one is going to want to read anything you write. you're a loser. you're a failure. don't even try because you'll fail big time. give up, it's easier. give up, because you'll never, ever, EVER make it.

& it's hard when those voices are in your head, competing for your attention. so what happens when you're motivated, but you're terrified? i have the drive, i have the desire, i have the will, but i'm petrified. not so much of success, but of failing. & i'm told, by several people, i have nothing to fear. i have IT, whatever that may be. but i'm still scared.

dismal results: weigh in #22

so, my last weigh in over the weekend was 267.4. not the best, but i guess also not the worst either.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 273.5 lbs
this week's weight: 267.4 lbs




PS: ticker has changed, so i can't have more than one per post, i'm not even sure if the accurate results will be displayed each week.

it's been pretty quiet around these parts. . . .

yeah, so i haven't been much in a blogging mood lately, & to be honest, this is probably the time when i should be blogging. i have a lot of stuff rolling around my head, having to do with weight loss, my (canceled) wedding, my parents, my job, my thesis. . . .just basically everything in my life!

what i have noticed is, that in general, it's been pretty quiet out there in blog-land. most of the blogs that i check on a daily basis have been averaging one update a week, some even less than that.

even though the end of the year is busy for many different reasons, i think that i need to make this blog one of my top priorities. not just because jenn has been not-s-subtly letting me know that she wants to read more blogs, but also because it keeps me writing something & it helps me to sort out some of those marbles rolling around my head by throwing them out into the universe.

so i'll try to do better at this. i have a bunch of blog ideas floating in & out of my scattered subconscious. yeah yeah yeah, i know, per the great & powerful yoda there is no try!

& for the record

happy twelve-twelve!

weigh in #21: BLECH!

i have gained, back in the 270's, i hate this. where's the cheesecake?

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 265 lbs
this week's weight: 273.5 lbs

um, yeah, so seriously guys, how can a few cocktails equal an 8 1/2 pound gain in one week?!

can you tell i'm bored at work, yet?

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

& i couldn't reisist this one

Your Stripper Song Is

Barbie Girl by Aqua "I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world Life in plastic, it's fantastic You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere Imagination, life is your creation" You're hilarious and cute - yet you still pull off sexy!

What Song Should You Strip To?

shortest personality test, ever

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

weekly weigh in #20

so weighing in a day early, does that mean i theoretically could weigh less if i did my weigh in tomorrow on my normal day? can a person lose ten pounds overnight without the loss of a limb or liposuction? probably not. but it's nice to hope that i'd have a better number if i had just 24 more hours to work my butt to the bone. owie, now that sounds painful!

in all seriousness though, i do need to start taking the competition with jenn more serious, not just because of the money thing, but because it's kinda my last chance to do this on my own. & i want to give it my all.

one thing that i know that i could be doing, but haven't been doing at all lately, is my pilates videos. in the past when i started doing them not only did i lose inches & tone up pretty fast, but i also lost lots of weight. i have no clue what it is about pilates, but it is really great for anyone looking to get fit quick. when you're doing it the workouts seem easy, but then you wait a day & you're beggin for mommy & some advil & really feeling it! but it's a good feeling. & i miss that.

so, here's the stats, better than some weeks, & halfway down to the 250's, but still, kinda a bummer since i was at this point a couple of weeks ago! but still, four pounds lost is four pounds lost.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 269 lbs
this week's weight: 265 lbs

& i found the tubby catepillar ticker, so i have to use it since this is going slow, & i'm tubby, & it's pink. & of course measure progress with a star, cause' i'm a super star! hehehehe.

i never used to believe in writer's block

i always went through life thinking that each day you had the control to shape the day as you pleased. i never understood when i heard people complain about writer's block. sure, there were some days that i had more trouble concentrating & writing than others, but over alli never really had a problem, until recently. my advisor has told me that it's probably due to stress & all the bullshit going on in my life, combined with the fact that i really don't have my own little sacred writing space, which is something that every writer desperately needs. & then, of course, the fact that as of late i haven't given myself the permission to write.

so mix that all up, bring it to a rolling boil, & you have frustration & writer's block. although in a way it feels more like creative constipate. it's as if i have all these ideas & phrases rolling around in my head but when i try to get it out on paper or out onto my computer it just won't move. like there's something stopping me from producing.

& what kills me the most about all of this is in the past i have been uber prolific, always writing any chance i could get. i was the kid in high school with a tattered notebook that i carried everywhere with me & i wrote at any chance i could get. i was the kid who got yelled at in english class for writing on my stories when i finished my english homework. yeah, i was totally that much of a writing geek. ok, while my teen years were miserable at best, due to being fat with glasses & braces, at least i had my writing. & at that point in time i really felt like a writer.

now i kind of feel like a fraud. i want to do this, so badly, & yet, somehow i'm just not able to make it happen & that makes me want to punch someone in the balls.

weekly weigh in #19

yup, another gain. bleh.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 268.25 lbs
this week's weight: 269 lbs

being thankful

as 2006 winds down in the frenzy of the holiday season, i'm trying to approach the end of the year with a positive attitude & optimistic outlook on life. since thanksgiving typically starts the beginning of the holiday season, now is a perfect time to work on my new attitude. & since thanksgiving, historically, is a time to count your blessings & say what you're thankful for, that's how i'll start my end of the year.

things that i'm thankful for:

~my family who supports me no matter how much i annoy them
~my friends who always stand by me, even when i'm not the most likeable person
~my dog walker who makes me feel like the most important person on earth
~my cat cleo who keeps me humble
~my cat toes who reminds me that there are normal animals out there
~that i'm able to wake up every morning in a free country
~that i'm able to move on my own accord
~that i'm a strong person who's able to help support those around me
~that i have two jobs that i enjoy
~that i have a college education
~being able to follow my dreams

so it's a little bit touchy feely, a wee tad emo, but i really am thankful for all the blessings in my life. it's so easy at that time between thanksgiving & christmas to become so self absorbed in getting to all that places you just have to be, getting the right gift for each person, getting things wrapped & shipped & baked. it's hectic & crazy. & here in minnesota it's generally cold as a mofo outside so you just want to stay in & eat lots of comforting fatty foods & drink lots of hot chocolate heavily laced with baileys. which makes it hard to be thankful or greatful or joyous about anything.

& at this exact moment, the thing i'm most thankful for is that jenn has made me her pity project & keeps me on track by dragging my butt to the Y & giving me that, "oh, you dirty whore" look when i eat chocolate. & the competition does help, because i just realized we're competing for enough money to buy one of us a new ipod. mmmm....now that'd be a sweet sweet christmas present to myself.

maybe tomorrow i'll just have a salad.

me as a tarot card

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

it's cold in them thar basement

yeah, so our furnace went out, again. which means we need to get the repair guy in, again. i swear, ever since we've had our furnace replaced we call in a repair person once a year at least to fix the stupid thing. & it's always when we start freezing that we realize it's not working. grrr. so last night i slept in long underwear & thick fleece socks, laying on a heating pad, with four blankets on top of me. luckily it was enough to keep me warm.

&, if you recall from post a few days ago, NaNoMoWri i was talking about cleaning & ridding my house of a bunch of junk. & because there's so much junk, i have to get a ton of it cleaned up before the furnace guy can come out & repair the thing, yeah, we won't talk about the details on that one. but needless to say, even though i was in iowa this past weekend, i wound up doing a bunch of cleaning last night so that our house can once again have that wonderful modern invention of heat.

i also did venture a little bit into the area that is to be known as my office, & it is a bit scary. lots & lots of work do need to be done back there. most importantly it's a lot of dusting, vacuuming, & picking up because no one has been back there for several years. it has a great deal of potential though, which i'm excited about. & i really think that i can have it all straightened away by the end of this coming weekend. i need to work on it each day & just keep plugging away at it.

once we have heat again it'll be lots easier. the basement is a bit nippy right now. but it does look better after the work that i put in last night, & i'm going to try to get in at least a half hour of work tonight even though i have to go grocery shopping tonight & get gas & i have to be at work at 7 am tomorrow, which means i need to be on the road by about 6 am at the latest. EEK! but at least, after 8 pm on wednesday, i'll have some time off work, from both my jobs, a whole four days! i am really looking forward to that chill time.

i'm especially chomping at the bit to be able to give myself some writing time. there's just ten days left of the NaNoMoWri, & if i really want to finish with the 50,000 word limit then i'm looking at doing 5,000 words a day for the next ten days. yeah, i know, get off my keister, quit with the blogging & get with the novel writing! so here i go, again on my own.

just 'cause it's a vacation doesn't mean the rules are null & void

so i'm sitting right now in a hotel room in west des moines iowa, on a little mini vacation. basically it came about like this:

josh: hey beckah, whatcha doing saturday?
me: meh, nothin' really, why?
josh: i kinda want to do something, i have some time off work
me: what're you thinking?
josh: iowa for ribs?
me: omigod, that's exactly what i was thinking!

& while i'd only been kinda half thinking of iowa for ribs, the idea kinda grew on me. & with next week being a half week at work & all, i thought "eh, what the hell, a small trip out of town will be ok. & hopefully i'll be able to give myself some writing time while i'm at it."

so far no real writing has been done, but i've painted my fingernails a lovely shade of lime green. we had dinner at bennigan's & i had a bowl of soup & split a desert with jack. so far no regular pop, no alcohol, no snacks, no real breaking of the rules. & it's hard 'cause i do have this mentality that when i go on vacation it's a total fuckin' free for all.

exhibit a: the april trip to san francisco for my tattoo. we went to the stinking rose & indulged in yummy garlicky good food. we had in & out burger double-doubles three times, two each time with fries, of course, & then the snacks & the alcohol & chocolate & ice cream. & i basically took a nice little break from reality. & with the GP looming on the horizon i need to change a lot more than just what & when i eat. i need to revolutionize my relationship with food & how i think of my socializing time.

i really don't know if it's just an american thing, or a minnesotan thing, or if it really is universal, but in my world socializing is very often synonymous with food. & good food. & lots of it. most often when i'm with my friends & family when i'm eating it's not even necessarily because i'm really hungry, but a lot of it is all about opportunity. just like our dear friend kevin costner was told "if you build it, they will come," if the food is there i'll eat it. yeah, i know, totally a fat girl thing to do, but it's more of a human thing. i've noticed that a lot of not fat people will munch on food that's in front of them even if they're not hungry.

it also helps my resolve that i spent a great deal of time this morning at the Y, almost an hour & a half of serious exercise. that really does make me less likely, typically, to sabotage myself with food. then again, tomorrow i'm going to be at hickory park with my face in a plate full of ribs, but not like i do that every day. there is a gym here at the hotel, & even though it's about quarter after 2 am, i'm seriously contemplating a wee bit of sweat time before we check out. or i may start working on those 50,000 words before i turn in for the night. or i may just turn off my lappy & cuddle up with my pink fuzzy hello kitty pillow.

weekly weigh in #18

& yeah, so the scale went up, again. the whole weight loss debacle is horrid when you're pms-ing, want to bathe in chocolate & stuff everything in your face, hurt so bad from cramps that you want to curl up & sleep & most definitely don't want to hit the gym, & then at the end of the week of NOT bathing in chocolate NOT eating everything in sight & going to the gym even though you hurt like hell you still gain weight. wtf, mate?!

*sighs* but at least my numbers of my tickers are not overlapping my starting weight. & my starting weight on each of them is STILL more than my current weight. i guess i need to be thankful for the small things, right?

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 266.25 lbs
this week's weight: 268.25 lbs

perfectly so

i had my second visit with christine this morning for my gastric bypass requirements. & i brought in all of my logs for my diet, exercise, vitamins & all that good rot since october 23rd. & she was wickedly impressed that i've been keeping track the way i have. i also told her that i'm trying to stop drinking beverages along with my meals. she said that's a pretty good habit to get into because it's one of the things that many people have problems with post-surgery, so it's good for me to get into the habit now. & i was straight up with her, i told her that i haven't been perfect, i've had the occasional snack & i've indulged in take out & still sometimes drink diet soda with my meal, but i'm working on all of it.

she also said that she can't wait to see me post surgery because i could be a poster child for the surgery. & in a way that feels really good to hear all of that. especially with the chaos of the last few weeks in my personal life. it feels so great to feel like i'm doing really well at something. although, i think a lot of my success is going to come from my mind set. i'm going into this knowing that i have worked really hard in the past. i haven't done as well every single day as i could've, but over all i've really put lots of effort into changing & losing weight. & it isn't weakness to ask for help. in a way, it takes a lot more courage to admit that you can't do something on your own than to just keep plodding along because you're too proud & stubborn to admit that you need someone to lean on. that's been a big thing for me. admitting that it's ok to ask for help when you've done everything you can on your own.

i know i've had some very mixed emotions in the past about obesity surgery, but i'm feeling very good about this. like i'm finally doing something really positive for myself. but even though i have this on my very near horizon, i don't want to pig out & just figure, oh, well i'm having surgery, what does it matter? cause it really does matter. i feel like i need every day prior to surgery in order to get myself prepared for the rest of my life. things that i take for granted now, like chewing my food, are going to have to be mindful activities post surgery. & the more good habits that i develop now, the less work i'll have to do on the post surgery side.

one thing i never realized is that even though i didn't really think that i snacked a whole lot, i really kinda did. & i'm trying very hard to resist snacking at all. if i get really hungry i'll drink some water, pick up a book or turn on my computer & 99% of the time that urge to eat goes away, & on those few times where it doesn't go away, then i have a small snack 'cause i figure that means that i really am hungry. but it's also pretty nice, taking snacks out of my life. i feel like i'm obsessing less about food. i plan my meals, eat at my meal times & then that's it. & i'm actually cool with it. odd, huh?

the biggest thing i'm worried about in this whole thing is my parents. they are, well, less than fans, of the GB. they are actually pretty much dead set against it & wanting me to do everything under the sun in order to try to lose weight before i go that route. the thing is, i have done everything under the sun. as a kid i was in a weight loss program where i saw a dietician, physical therapist, & psychologist. i've seen dieticians on at least 3 separate occasions at my main clinic as an adult. i've worked with my doctor. taken over the counter diet pills. i've done slim fast, weight watchers, richard simmons food mover, & south beach. i own so many fitness dvds & videos that i could open my own store. i own free weights, exercise mats, two different versions of the firm. & not only do i own all this stuff, i've used it. i've given up sugar & fast food cold turkey in the past. currently i'm using splenda, brummel & brown, diet soda, diet ice tea, watching my intake, taking multi vitamins. basically everything that i can do besides quit my job & dedicate five hours a day to working out, which would, frankly, make me want to shoot myself.

so biggest challenge over the next couple of months will be getting my parents on board with the whole thing. my friends are very supportive, even my sister, rachel, is supportive. but my parents are still digging their feet in the sand & refusing to budge on their opinion, which kinda hurts me a little. christine did warn me that often times the family dynamics will change after someone gets the GB & loses a lot of weight. which makes sense to me. especially when one person loses a lot but the rest of the family remains obese, which will be the way with my family. but i really also want to encourage & inspire my family to take control of their lives & their weight & do something proactive to change their current course.

over all i'm very happy i'm doing this right now instead of waiting another ten, twenty years. my biggest fear now is that for whatever reason i won't be approved for surgery, & that would really be disheartening & demoralizing for me. but i have the dietician thing down. i'm meeting with my primary care doctor next week to discuss the whole thing, so the only big hurdle left is the psychological evaluation which is the week after next. i took the mmpi, so they'll have the results on that, sit down & talk with me, & then it'll just be a matter of waiting a bit to figure things out. all the while continuing to do what i've been doing, eating well, exercising, & mentally preparing to turn my life inside out, upside down, & revolutionize my existence.

NaNoWriMo

i was leaving hamline today after meeting with larry & telling him once again, that i didn't have any writing for him to read. & once again i showed up to campus feeling like a failure for some how not being able to do what was once easier for me than breathing. & while i was there i told him about the wedding, & feeling like a failure & a fuck up for some how not being able to write. & he listened, & told me that i was in no way a fuck up, that everyone has those times. where the one thing that you love to do, want to do, crave & yearn for, is the one thing that you're unable to do.

one thing i told him is that lately my writing has started to feel like just one more thing on my lengthily daily to do list. & he told me that i needed to get it off my to do list & bring it back to being enjoyable. something that i take comfort & refuge in. & he's right. he also mentioned that i need a sacred writing space & that with enough time & practice that my writing time will feel like sacred time, but that i have to believe it, tell myself, & not let anyone or anything intrude on that space.

so for the first time in a while i'm feeling hopeful about my writing.

i'm still living with my parents, which is less than ideal in SO many ways, but the one thing that i could have going for me is that we do have an office, in the basement, next to my room. it's technically my mom's, but she hasn't been able to use it for some time due to the accumulation of junk that has slowly infested our house. & she said that her office can be my office. so i need to step 1: clean out the backroom junk blocking said office & step 2: clean out the office itself. inside the office there's a computer desk & another gorgeous wooden desk. sure, it's in a basement, but it has the potential to be my sacred space.

& believe it or not, i'm not working at the group home again until december 9, 2006 because i took some time off for myself. so i can really get this emptied out & have some ME space! i think i know what i'll be doing this weekend, any guesses?

& all of this rambling brings me to the title of this happy little blog, NaNoWriMo. which is short for national novel writing month. which is basically a bunch of people from all over the country are trying to write a complete novel during the month of november. there's some guidelines set out, it should be 175 pages, about 50,000 words, completely written from november 1-30th. now, admittedly, i'm 13 days late in entering this. & some folks are probably well into their novel, but i'm thinking of taking a crack anyway. i still don't have a usable novel for my thesis. i have the general gist of the whole dang thing, but nothing usable, just a lot of nonsense, which doesn't work well for anyone but willy wonka.

so i've got a pretty huge 17 days ahead of me. let's see. i am going to clean out the office, beautify it, create my sacred writing space & give myself permission to write.

to all my friends, i love you most dearly, but i may be less than pleasant when turning down invites over the next month or so while i finish my novel. so please, if i tell you no i can't do something because i have to write, don't be offended. especially if i'm less than kind while saying no, i'll do my best to keep the chubi hidden, but she may emerge on occasion.

luckier than some

my mood, my blog, & my person in general have been fairly dark lately. not goth-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-cause-pain-is-fun dark, but more just melancholy & very un-beckah like. & i won't apologize for it, because there has been a lot weighing on my mind lately, besides of course my butt. & with as hard as i tried to conceal my emotions, somehow they came out in little ways, in my blogs, my off hand remarks to friends, in my interest, or lack there of, in certain activities. & i'll admit it, i've been fairly upset over the past couple months about a lot of stuff going on in my personal life.

but this blog isn't about that.

ever since i posted the blog last week stating that my wedding was being postponed with no reschedule date, i've received a lot of support from my friends, family, coworkers, & my writing advisors. & while i've been keeping myself wrapped up, coccooned in my own little sphere, others have been noticing, & caring, & doing what they can to help.

what i realized today on my way into work is that i'm very lucky. instead of being alone in all of this with no one to talk to, turn to, or cry to. i'm surrounded by people who love me, are willing to listen without offering advice, people who are there for me without strings, without needing repayment, without asking anything of me. & in that way i am so much luckier than many people.

& that feels so great. to know that i have so many people in my life who love me & care about me & genuinely want me to be happy. i know for some people this is a NO-DUH kind of thing. & in a way i know that i have people that if i'm in dire need of help that i can call them & they'll be there no matter the time of day, night, or windchill. but it's so unexpected to know that there are more people than i knew concerned for me.

i'd like to take the time to say thanks much to everyone who's helped me over the last couple of weeks. even if it was just exchanging text messages, playing phone tag, or one line emails. it's all really helped me get through those really tough days & helped me to finally start to see some kind of good that can come from all of this. so thanks much, everyone. i really appreciate it.

weekly weigh in #17

um, yeah, so party like a rock star & gain half a pound. *sighs* but better half a pound than three or five or ten. so, all in all, close to a wash. i'm still in the 260's, which makes me happy. but not any closer to my goal, which makes me a sad panda.

but, on the upside, my tickers are still pretty well away from my starting points, & that does make me pretty happy that progress has been made & that i haven't lost too much ground. it just means that i need to be more dedicated & consistent in my efforts. going forward with a positive outlook.

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 265.75 lbs
this week's weight: 266.25 lbs

you look like you're losing weight, or so they say

& that's what people have been telling me, a lot, here at work. but in a way i don't know that i believe it. ok, yeah, so in the last two weeks i did lose ten pounds, but before i did that people were saying i looked like i was losing weight. while i was pigging out on a regular basis, drinking on the weekends, & forgot my way to the gym even though i have to walk right by it on my way into work every day.

& in a way it's really discouraging, makes me feel like an imposter, & all these other oddly complex feelings of guilt & shame. & sometimes i wonder, are people just being nice because they know that i'm going to the gym (semi) regularly? & they see me sucking down the gallons of water. & choking down lean cuisines everyday. is it that they want to encourage me to keep trying to make myself healthier eventhough it doesn't appear to be working?

it's very odd, but when people start to notice my weight loss & congratulate me on it i start to feel super self conscious. & then i feel like if i don't continue to lose weight that some how i'm disappointing them because they took the time to notice the changes in me. & then slowly the sweets creep back in, & the fast food, & the other foods that are detrimental to my health & well being.

sometimes i wonder if all fat people are great self sabatogers. i really think that if there was an olympics for self destructive, self deprecating, self sabotaging behavior that i would most definitely be a medal contender. not like i WANT to be that person that does those hurtful things to myself, but i really feel sometimes like i can't help it.

being fat is emotionally complex, like taking an afternoon stroll through a mine field. when i'm out in public people, all the way from small children to adults, think it's perfectly ok to stare at me. it's ok to make loud comments around me about "that fat chick." it's ok to scruntinize what i'm eating. what i'm wearing. just because i'm fat. & i'm made to feel like i'm less because of my size. like i'm not as worthy of the good things in life. i don't deserve cute clothes. i should be uncomfortable in: movie theater seats, restaurant booths, airplane. that's the punishment due to me because i'm fat.

& it really pisses me off. i mean, it's not kosher for me to go up to the white trash mom in the mall & tell her to make her fucking brat shut the fuck up 'cause the kid is annoying as all hell. it's not ok for me to go up to the skinny bitch in the tube top & too low too tight jeans & tell her she looks like she should be working university & getting five bucks a blow. it's not ok for me to go up to the overly built guy wearing the sleeveless shirt in january & tell him to lay off the 'roids before his boys shrivel to raisins. & YET all these people, & more, find it socially acceptable to comment on my fat butt wearing the apple bottoms. eventhough my clothes actually fit, i'm not being rude or obnoxious, & i'm not asking any of them for a goddamn thing.

to all my fat brethren out there: i request a call to arms. let's not sit back anymore & take it. next time i hear someone commenting about me i will speak up. i will get in their face. & i will make it personal. the problem is, the masses think it's ok, that fat people don't deserve to be treated with respect & dignity. i say we reclaim our dignity, demand respect.

& for all of you who don't know

jack & i are postponing the wedding. so feel free to reschedule your lives for july 7, 2007. 'cause my wedding ain't happening then.

we're still working some stuff out, but a wedding is kind of far away in our priorities right now. i'll keep everyone updated on the event.

thanks much.

i don't believe in fairytales, anymore

like almost every little girl, when i was young, i believed in fairytales. that good always, no matter the odds, would triumph over evil. generosity & good deeds are rewarded, while selfishness & ill will are punished. magic exists in many forms. that for every princess, there was a prince. & that they would all live happily ever after, because that's the way the universe is meant to be.

some days i wish i could go back in time & shake that little girl hard, make her teeth rattle, & tell her that it's all a bunch of bullshit. that in the end, all that you can really count on, is yourself. & if you don't start off believing in yourself then you're in for a long hard path until you get to that place.

i want to tell her that there won't be a prince, on a white horse. there won't be a castle. or that one perfect kiss that saves anyone's soul. there won't be the birds, the stars, the hearts or the sappy music to signal the happy ending. i want to tell her to stop looking for all of that. i want to save her a decade of her life wasted on that myth of happily ever after. i want her to focus on what's really important, her art, her vision, her future, herself.

& if only i could go back in time, maybe i could save that girl from having to learn every lesson the hard way. to have to learn over & over that thinking with your heart is as insane as trying to breath with your spleen. it's an impossible situation that will only end in frustration & defeat. maybe she'd believe it if i was the one to tell her she was smart, beautiful, capable, talented. that she really could be anything at all under the sun, she just had to dream & believe it. not get distracted by chasing pixies into the witching hour.

but i can't travel in time, although if i could i would SO be the first to think up you tube. & then i'd have a million dollars so i could buy a green coat, but not a real green coat. 'cause that's just cruel. sometimes it's nice to wish a bit though, to think & hope that maybe in some way i can bend time, just a little, so as not to actually travel back, but to reach that little girl, through our ancestors, so they can guide her & save her the wasted time.

& yes, the people we are now are because of the people we were in the past, shaped by the experiences along the way & the events & encounters of every day of our life. & yet, i'm not in the mood for that philosophical bullshit. because what's to say that the person i am at this moment is the best possible version of myself? what's to say that if i would have only been stronger as a child that perhaps i'd be a much more powerful person today? that maybe, if my head wouldn't have been so far up in the clouds that i'd be better grounded here on earth. my dreams realized. living my dreams instead of just sitting & pathetically wishing that maybe one day i'll be able to find the time between the two jobs & the inane errands to actually finish my book. to actually do something with my life.

maybe one day i'll stop trying to breath with my spleen.

sometimes i hate the weekends

yeah, so basically all of my good eating & hard work went straight out the window this past weekend. i had pizza, long island ice tea, french fries, smore's malt, a chili dog. . . .ugh, i feel sick just thinking about all of it. & it's not like any of it was really any good. ok, the long islands were pretty tasty, & the after effects of those were SO nice, but other than that, the rest of it was not even worth it!

& that's the frustrating part. that i've been busting my butt all week long, working out before work, after work, eating those stupid lean cuisines with no snacks, resisting the cakes & donuts & danishes & all of that at work all week long. then the weekend comes along & it's as if all of my restraint & will power is left behind me at my cube in minnetonka.

i know there's a difference in the motivations behind eating. & this past weekend i wasn't eating because i was hungry, to fuel my body. i was eating because i was: bored, upset, it was there, any & all of the above. & yeah, i know that's a bad thing to do, it's not healthy, in any way. & it's a behavior that i really need to change for good. i mean, i thought that i really had changed it, but i guess this also proves that sometimes in times of extreme stress it's much too easy to revert to the old familiar habits that have been your long time companions. too bad mine haven't always been something like yoga or biking. then again, i'm not dead yet, so there's still time to change it all.

this past weekend wasn't all bad. i did see an interview on you tube with david grohl, thanks to miss jenn, that really made me pause & consider the way that i've been living my life. he kept saying that he feels so lucky to be able to spend his life doing something that he actually enjoys. & that he doesn't feel like music is work. in a way my situation is not terribly dissimilar in that i want to be a writer, it doesn't really feel like work to me. the biggest difference is that while he's getting paid to live my dream i'm working two jobs that are just OK in order to survive & meanwhile i'm letting my writing slip to the side.

the other thing he said is that every day he wakes up thankful to be alive & have another day to live. yeah, semi hokey, i'll admit that. but there's also something to be said for that thinking. right now i wake up many days dreading what's to come. work, bills, all of that crap, & i'm not really taking any time to experience the joy that life has to offer. & that's not good. i used to take great joy in the beauty & the wonder in each & every day, even the ones that i wasn't so jazzed about like the frigid cold days in winter, or the ones where i would really rather curl up in bed than go to work, but even then i found something to appreciate in the day.

forgiveness

i've been doing a bunch of reading lately on losing weight, getting healthy, & decreasing your stress levels. & one thing that has been popping up more & more in my reading is the necessity of forgiveness for a persons overall mental well being. & i'm not sure if i'm consciously seeking this out due to nigglings at the back of my brain, or if it's the universe's way of telling me that in order to really move forward i need to, in one clean swipe, free myself from those sticky webs of the past that are still clinging to me as i refuse to completely, with my whole heart, forgive those who have wronged me. at this moment in time there are three main people that i'm holding grudges against that i really must let go of.

& so

i forgive ms. petch for being a heinous bitch & essentially ruining my childhood. i entered her classroom a bright, happy, extroverted, vivacious child. full of energy, spirit, creativity, & an inner light that defied my years on earth. i left her classroom at the end of second grade a sullen painfully introverted kid who turned to books & food for comfort. i forgive her for the abuse & mental torture she put me through. as she bounced me from the "dummy" reading group, to the average, to the advanced. as she taught me the definition of humiliation by repeatedly making me a laughing stock in front of my classmates. i forgive her for instilling in me doubt that i was: smart, capable, valuable. i forgive her for stealing from me years of being an outgoing bubbly person while i hid behind that scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to blend forever into the orange & brown walls of the classroom.

i forgive my parents for not coming to my defense & pulling me out of that second grade hell hole. i forgive them for being too wrapped up in their own problems while i was growing up to notice the food missing from the cupboards as i ate my emotions away in secret. i forgive them for not being the role models that i needed them to be. for not modeling a healthy relationship with food. for not teaching me at a young age that fitness was something to be enjoyed, not dreaded. i forgive them for not seeing me for the miserable depressed teenager who tried to take her own life because she'd rather be dead than fat. i forgive them for seeing me as who they wanted me to be, instead of who i really was.

i forgive tssob (the southern son of a bitch) for stealing seven years of my life. i forgive him for telling me in one breath that he loved me & that i was damn lucky he did because no one else would want me. i forgive him for making me believe that was true. for hurting me so deeply that i can never completely trust another human being again. i forgive him for making me doubt that: i'm smart, talented, beautiful, & a force to be reckoned with. i forgive him for turning me into that pathetic girl that let an abusive guy rule her life because she really & honestly believed that one day he would come through on his promises. for being the kind of person who is only happy when he's holding someone else down. i forgive him for the lies he told me, that i foolishly believed. & i forgive him for the years of abuse in which he never laid a hand on me, but still left deep scars, none the less.

i had really thought that as i drove away from the playa in september of 2004 that i had left all of this behind me in the ashes of the temple. that i had let it go up in the flames that day, scratched onto scrap pieces of wood. but sometimes symbolism is just that. & while i thought i was ready to wipe all of this from my mind, my heart wasn't quite as ready to let go. & the hatred is weighing me down. so with this blog, i release my hatred & blame from my soul. letting the dark holes left behind fill with the positive people & blessings in my life. fall into winter is a season of death, but also a season of rebirth, & another chance to start again & hopefully get it right.

weekly weigh in #16

yippe, good news to report, finally! i feel like i've been a broken record, losing & gaining the same damn three to five pounds week after week. i feel like i've made some serious progress now. & i am totally willing to give credit where credit is due, & if it weren't for miss jenn i wouldn't be down in the 260's right now. & i'm really grateful & indebted to her. there were days over the past two weeks where i have come very close to actually hating her when i was dragging my tired bummed out self to the Y after getting off work at 8pm. so much thanks miss jenn for being my inspiration & motivation when i needed it.

but this also proves that working really hard can pay off. i'm still leary about having too much hope, but i'm so happy to be in the middle 260's, i was hoping to be at 263 by thanksgiving, but now i'm hoping that maybe with lots of hard work & self control i can be dipping my toes into the 250's, & a new pair of jeans at torrid!

& aren't my newest tickers so cute? with the ticking & the moving & the OH PROGRESS! : )

original weight: 323 lbs
last week's weight: 271 lbs
this week's weight: 265.75