poem- dance party

the following is a poem that i wrote while on my trip to the apostle islands to go kayaking on lake superior.

dance party

i wanted to pause that

moment, wrap it up tightly

for each of us to carry

back with us from our

campsite. snug it in between

our hairbrushes, sunscreen,

bug spray and water bottles.

a strong techno beat rolled

from the van’s speakers as

the twelve of us inside

bounced the vehicle moving

to the beat, energized by

struggles, victories, the water

and air and orange-pink-

red sunset. And then, as if

it had somehow been planned,

others appeared next to our

van arms in the air

feet moving bodies to the

beat. we were conscious

of energy and each other but

not self conscious of our-

selves, our bodies, our demons.

it was just a moment in the

woods of pure abandon and

joy as our group of strangers

found a common love in

the music and the feel of

our bodies moving in the night air

OKAY!

so i'm super freaking lame.

i've come to terms with this.

i know it was BEFORE my sister's wedding that i wrote anything substantial. & i feel i need to do so soon, i miss my blog, & i think my blog misses me.

here's the cliff notes version of my life in the last month:
~got a new car
~got promoted at work
~went to ct for my sister's wedding
~had lots of family drama in ct
~had LOTS OF BOY DRAMA back home in mn
~started nanowrimo

doesn't seem like much when i type it all out like that. but it's been very all consuming. i am still planning on doing my thought of the week segments. & plan on catching up on the past ones. how many is it now? one million? *winks* but. i miss blogging. a lot.

so harass me with comments when i get lazy.

is anyone still out there?

bueller?

bueller?

a wee quick note

i am currently in connecticut, my older sister got married yesterday. now that the wedding is over i'm hoping to post two thoughts of the week later today & get back to blogging. this has been one long strange trip this week.

oi.

jesus bobby & the porn: a ca-nadia adventure

in my first telling of the great canadia adventure 2006, i neglected a few details. the first being to explain the title. which is reasonably funny without explanation, but could probably do with just a wee little bit of explanation.

jesus bobby comes to us thanks to miss jenn's mother who has been known to exclaim "jesus bobby" anytime her husband, bobby, does anything that infuriates her. while miss jenn was in vermont hanging with her family her little niece & nephews asked if she would like to hear an impression of grandma, when jenn said yes the three of them, in unison, said "jesus bobby!" & evidently sounded exactly like jenn's mom. unfortunately i didn't hear jenn's mom do her jesus bobby, but i heard jenn's niece heather do it several times, & it was freakin hilarious. i also met the infamous bobby, from jesus bobby, jenn's dad, & he's a very sweet guy.

& soon enough after leaving jenn's homestead the three of us were jesus bobby-ing our way across the country side. although at the border we made a different exclamation, it was much too serious for a jesus bobby...& we didn't want to confuse the border patrol & have them ask who's bobby. we escaped un-probed from the new york/canada border, & we're all glad for that.

the porn i was going to let slide with just mentioning it in general, but jenn wanted me to mention the porn, not sure why, but here it goes. we were at some random gas station in wisconsin, this was after our stop in chi-town for geno's pizza. we filled the car & got some so bad for us but oh so tasty snacks to stuff in our gobs when jenn's boy-dar went off. boy-dar is kinda like gay-dar except instead of alerting her to gay boys, it alerts her to cute boys. nice. & the cute boy was indeed very cute. & very naked. & on the cover of playgirl. ye-haw.

i'm still not quite sure how it all happened. but some how jenn & josh exited the store, with jenn still starry eyed over naked cutie on the playgirl, the playgirl still firmly in the magazine rack all while i was paying for chocolate to gnosh as we got back on the road. but jenn wanted the boy, badly. & i found myself back inside the gas station in po-dunk nowhere wisconsin buying a playgirl while the wholesome farm raised cashier blushed & picked the magazine up using as few fingers as possible to scan it & get me the hell out of her store. yeah, fat girl buying chocolate & a playgirl. there's gotta be a cliche in there somewhere.

on day one of our trip. pre-new york. pre-canada. pre-border patrol & near probing. jenn had told josh & i that she can't, under any circumstance, read while driving. & she also said that she often times she gets car sick just from riding in the backseat of a car. with all that said, i handed the playboy over to jenn, started the car, & guided us back onto the interstate to try to get us home at a decent hour. after playing with my digital camera, making josh look at the playgirl, & exclaiming after cutie's tattoos & other attributes i heard a small voice from the backseat say "i'm car sick."

"were you reading the play girl?" i asked, hoping that the back of my head wasn't about to be covered in recycled pizza.

& she admitted that yeah, she'd been reading the magazine, so josh asked, "& what did we learn?"

& jenn's answer was, "no reading porn in the backseat." in the same exact tone a kid would say something like "no cutting my brother's hair with saf-t scissors."

so there's the jesus bobby, the backseat porn, & we were in canada, so of course, gotta add a little eh, eh?

true story.

jesus bobby, no reading porn in the backseat, eh

so vermont & canada were a blast, eh.

left out of vermont quite a bit later than we really intended, & for once i was not the one making everyone late! ((that did feel good, a lot good, btw)) so we wound up not rolling into flint michigan until after 3am on the first of the year. it's the first time i've celebrated new years while traveling, & i mean while actually by-god-on-the-mother-fucking-road-at-the-turn-of-the-year, & i liked it. there was something semi-freeing about being hundreds of hundreds of miles away from home & on the road while the clock officially ticked over to 2007, & maybe that's just cause in a lot of ways 2006 sucked, big time.

at the last minute josh decided to join miss jenn & i on our great north american adventure, so it was kinda like thelma & louise in that we were traveling cross country with a boy, but unlike thelma & louise, no one got laid, murdered, or drove off a mountain. & none of it was done in a convertible. so maybe it wasn't quite like thelma & louise. but we did have porn. & pizza from geno's. & all those oddly canadian road side snacks like ketchup flavored lays potato chips, eh.

& if you pay any attention to the canadians & they're labeling laws, for rockstar (& other such energy drinks) "Recommended dose (adults): Drink 473ml 1 time per day, as needed." & according to the same can, one should not drink more than 500ml/day of rockstar. now if i don't listen to the recommended dosing of my own government, what makes anyone think that i'll listen to the guidelines of our neighbors to the north. & jenn & josh did have to cut me off having a 3rd 16oz can of the good stuff as we rolled on over the border from canada into the us. which probably wasn't a bad thing, cause if i hadn't've been cut off i may just have been the reason we got stopped at the border for a second time in 24hrs.

yeah, so about that. . .everyone will eventually hear about it, so i may as well fess up now & avoid the rumors & the paparazzi camping out on my door step. the three of us got held up in new york trying to re-enter the united states. see, what happened was, i hadn't been quite paying attention & we came to a T intersection in the road with a huge mother effing sign that said new york, with an arrow pointing to the left, and canada with an arrow pointing to the right. & jenn started to take a left, & then i said some smart ass comment about don't we want to go to canada, so she took a right, we were in canada for literally 2 seconds when we realized we made a wrong turn, hung a u-ey & tried to re-enter the country of our birth.

& that's when things got ugly. see, our story, which is 100% true, is that jenn was in vermont for a week visiting her family for christmas, she was buying her mother's car from her (which happens to have vermont handicap plates on it & four tires tied to the roof) i flew into burlington the day before to drive back to minnesota with her, josh flew into boston & then drove up to burlington from there the day before, & we planned on driving through canada to avoid the tolls, eh. yeah, even typing it the whole thing seems very bizzarre & highly suspect, but you know what they say, truth is stranger than fiction, & this is the by god truth.

so the guard saw the tires, the plates, the three minnesota ids & was like "yea, right, about that whole getting back into the country thing. . . ." & we were hauled into the office. grilled about EVERYTHING.

have you completely emptied your pockets, why do you have uncashed checks in your wallet, where are you going, why are you doing there, who's that, who's that, who's jenn, how do you know her, who's beckah, are you carrying any dope, why haven't you cashed these checks yet, who's john, why do you have a check from him, how long have you been at your job, what do you do, who's that, do you have any dope, why do you have vicodin, what's wrong with your ankle, is everything in that vehicle yours, take off your hat, flag your pockets, who's that, why are you going to canada, why are you in vermont, who's car is that, why are you going to minnesota, how long have you lived in minnesota, where did you live before that, do you have any dope on you. . .

yup. & basically the same on & on for a while. then they searched the car. basically tore everything out, put it back in a haphazard manner. threw our ids at us & basically told us to get out. god bless america.

so when we rolled across the border into canada a few hours later they asked our citizenship (american) & why we were going to canada (to drive through it) & said welcome to canada, have a nice day, eh.

& then after several hours on the road, a burning smell from the engine, rain, salt trucks, desolate canadian highways, & without tim dots, we pull up to the american border again, give the guy our licenses & he asks if any of us have ever been pulled inside before. awwwww shhhiiiitttt is all i could think. & we got a much shorter version basically asking us if we picked up anything in canada (just some left over's from boston's & some chips if you want 'em). the guy stares us down & says he'd hate to have to tear the truck apart. double awwwww shhhiiiitttt. & then, while i nearly passed out from holding my breath, he said happy new year, waved us on, & i casually, & like satan himself was chasing me, put distance between us & the border.

just 'cause it's a vacation doesn't mean the rules are null & void

so i'm sitting right now in a hotel room in west des moines iowa, on a little mini vacation. basically it came about like this:

josh: hey beckah, whatcha doing saturday?
me: meh, nothin' really, why?
josh: i kinda want to do something, i have some time off work
me: what're you thinking?
josh: iowa for ribs?
me: omigod, that's exactly what i was thinking!

& while i'd only been kinda half thinking of iowa for ribs, the idea kinda grew on me. & with next week being a half week at work & all, i thought "eh, what the hell, a small trip out of town will be ok. & hopefully i'll be able to give myself some writing time while i'm at it."

so far no real writing has been done, but i've painted my fingernails a lovely shade of lime green. we had dinner at bennigan's & i had a bowl of soup & split a desert with jack. so far no regular pop, no alcohol, no snacks, no real breaking of the rules. & it's hard 'cause i do have this mentality that when i go on vacation it's a total fuckin' free for all.

exhibit a: the april trip to san francisco for my tattoo. we went to the stinking rose & indulged in yummy garlicky good food. we had in & out burger double-doubles three times, two each time with fries, of course, & then the snacks & the alcohol & chocolate & ice cream. & i basically took a nice little break from reality. & with the GP looming on the horizon i need to change a lot more than just what & when i eat. i need to revolutionize my relationship with food & how i think of my socializing time.

i really don't know if it's just an american thing, or a minnesotan thing, or if it really is universal, but in my world socializing is very often synonymous with food. & good food. & lots of it. most often when i'm with my friends & family when i'm eating it's not even necessarily because i'm really hungry, but a lot of it is all about opportunity. just like our dear friend kevin costner was told "if you build it, they will come," if the food is there i'll eat it. yeah, i know, totally a fat girl thing to do, but it's more of a human thing. i've noticed that a lot of not fat people will munch on food that's in front of them even if they're not hungry.

it also helps my resolve that i spent a great deal of time this morning at the Y, almost an hour & a half of serious exercise. that really does make me less likely, typically, to sabotage myself with food. then again, tomorrow i'm going to be at hickory park with my face in a plate full of ribs, but not like i do that every day. there is a gym here at the hotel, & even though it's about quarter after 2 am, i'm seriously contemplating a wee bit of sweat time before we check out. or i may start working on those 50,000 words before i turn in for the night. or i may just turn off my lappy & cuddle up with my pink fuzzy hello kitty pillow.

gino's: a pizza review

so i'm no longer a chitown, or gino's, virgin. thank you josh.

josh, jack, & i decided to take an impromptu road trip this past weekend. originally we were headed south for ribs, yup, to that great rib capital, ames, iowa. before the guffaws begin, hickory park in ames is a pretty good rib place for being in corn country, & it's a reasonable driving distance. & a rather fun jaunt. well, as it turns out, it was the iowa state fair this past weekend & all the hotels were booked. yeah, i know, i never would've guessed either. so then we were going to crash my mom & dad's anniversary week in duluth, but josh didn't want to stay with them 'cause no wireless & all the hotels in da-loot (duluth for non-minneSNOWtans) were booked due to some jazz festival. yeah, seriously, what are the odds that our first two destinations were all booked? so even though we only had 24hrs, give or take a couple, we decided to go south east to chitown (chicago).

we booked a last minute 4star hotel via a website for a super cheap rate & we were off to the land of a thousand toll booths. ok, first we had to go through the land of a thousand cows, which also seems to be stuck in 1991, but that's a whole other issue.

ah, how i love the phenomenon known as a road trip. you pack your stuff, your friends, & yourself into a car & head off to parts unknown, or known but well loved. one thing that i did notice on this road trip is my affinity for "road food." no, i wasn't picking up flatten squirrels & making rodent tar-tar. but rather the abundance of high sugar, high fat, yummy snacks found at the gas stations-rest stops-truck stops-drive thrus all along the highway. & somehow, as soon as i crawled into the back seat of josh's car i completely forgot about this blog, my work outs, struggle to lose weight, the whole sha-bang was out the window as my eyes glazed over with the wondrous treats offered by the miles of road & the hours of nothing to do but munch & talk & sleep.

but what of the pizza, you cry? ok, skip past the: oodles of road chocolate, a&w float, 2am mcdonald's run, apple pie breakfast, & mediocre shake from a 24 flavor baskin robbins, to da 'zza. it was good. i know, marty is dying of a heart attack right now, but i can't say that i agree it was the absolute best pizza in the whole entire world. that's a mighty bold statement. it was fairly tasty.

however, i will make the claim that the wings were the best buffalo wings that i have ever had in my life. i know, i've yet to visit buffalo ny & go to the original home of buffalo wings, but these were mighty tasty. hot, but not scalding, pleasant tingle. the meat so juicy it fell right off the bones. the bleu cheese was chunky, but subtle & smooth.

while i wouldn't drive to chitown just for gino's pizza, i might drive there for the wings if it weren't for all those effing toll-booths along the way. & i'd fly except the airlines would take away my flask. boo. double boo. think they'd airmail me a few pounds of wings & a half gallon of bleu cheese?

let's take this show on the road

i just found out, about half an hour ago, that i'm going on a business trip for work. seriously, who'd've ever thought that i would be saying those words? not i, said the fly. i'm going to new jersey, i've never actually been there, i've flown through there, over it, but never "hung" out there. the one upside is that i'll be within an hour of manhattan, so i might be able to head there. also, my sister & niece live in connecticut so i may call them & see if they're able to travel out to see me for dinner or something. otherwise, it'll be an interesting experience, to say the least.

one of the things i said after josh & jack & i got back from san francisco is that i wouldn't travel again until i'd lost 50lbs. i know there is absolutely no way to do that in the next two weeks. but this is also something that i'm doing for work, so it's not like i chose to go on a trip, which means all that i can do is my very best. i will be packing my lap top & some dvds so that i can do some exercise dvds in my hotel room. i don't even know if the hotel has a gym or anything. hmmm. interesting. i may have to investigate this hotel.

>>>>

investigation done. & dayum. it's a very nice looking place. wa-hoo. i won't gloat too much because jenn hates me : ( j/k she doesn't hate me, but is wicked jealous because her family lives in vermont so they could visit her if she were going to new jersey.

maybe this is a good thing. traveling for work. on the one hand i'm excited to go, & on the other i really want to just stay here with my yogi. guess it's all part of that whole unease that i've been dealing with lately. i'm sure that it's going to be a good thing for me to go & do this testing for my work. definitely a time for me to shine.

as always the whole "fat phobia" is rearing its ugly head. when i just talk to people on the phone i don't have a "fat voice." i sound cute, spunky, vibrant, & sexy as hell. but in person, well, my opinion is that i'm not exactly any of that. so i kind of hate having to meet people that i've talked with lots on the phone because i usually feel this disappointment when they see me. some of the people i'll be working with there are ones that i've been working on this extra project with at work. & besides that whole crushing of a preconceived notion thing, there's also the fact that, no matter what anyone tells you. often times people see fat people as less competent, stupid, lazy, & gross. it doesn't matter that that notion is completely insane & untrue. it's still alive & well here in america.

i'm not looking for sympathy or reassuring cooing at this point. because, the truth of it is, no matter how much the people around me think these are ludicrous fears, the fact is, they still exist & are very real for me. i hate to call them demons, because it seems to give them too much credit. but these are some of the fears that haunt me.

let's just hope that the number of panic attacks in the next two weeks is kept to a bare minimum & that i don't make too much of an ass of myself.

the plane ride is also wigging me out. i was so uncomfortable on my last trip because i'm bigger than i want to be & people hate flying next to a fat person they don't know. trust me, i'm an expert at this one. i've seen the dread & the repulsion when people realize that i'll be the one sitting next to them. as if because i'm fat i have some horrible incurable disease that will at any moment strike them down. like i said earlier, nothing i can do about it at this point, but i can do my best to make sure that the next time i travel after this i'm smaller than i am now. even 30lbs would make a world of difference.

maybe i'll bring my bon jovi new jersey cd, because, well, everything's better with bon jovi.