staying home

i'm lonely. frustratingly lonely. staying home really bites. my life is in this horrible limbo right now that consists of bad day time tv, crippling nausea, & dehydration. i spent this past weekend at my parents' house just because it was a change of pace. i know that everyone else still has to work & keep going with their lives. i'm not so horribly vain to think that the world really DOES revolve around me. but it's hard to keep emailing, calling, IM-ing, & texting with no response. i'm starting to feel like maybe i should just tuck into my apartment & wait out the last week & a half of my medical leave.

i've contemplated trying to go back earlier, but i'm still incredibly weak. it's actually quite amazing how weak i am right now. & since i went to the doctor & extended my leave i need to relax & rest & do my best to feel better. i can't head back to work early just because i'm bored & lonely.

honest, i'm really trying hard not to bitch about about how i'm feeling because, like i keep reminding myself, i chose to do this. but it is hard. just drinking water is difficult. & i'm now a vegetarian, not by choice, my body just can't handle digesting meat yet. i tried chicken on monday & it was just ugly. i am such a carnivore it's seriously disturbing that i can't eat meat. *sighs* i know, it'll be worth it in the end. but today, lately even, has just been damn tough.

anyone know where a girl can find a rudder?

despite the fact that i'm very grateful that obviously a lot of people love me & care that i'm not dead or horribly maimed, i'm still having some issues on a day-to-day basis keeping my spirits up, keeping my faith, & doing the things that i want to do to cement my future as i dream it. the things i know that i need to do. & not just need to do as in the obligations of life: a long list of the things that one MUST do just to keep going (like laundry, grocery shopping, or putting gas in your car), but the things i need to do to make it to where i know i'm destined to be.

 

~i need to write, every day, no matter what

~i need to finish a novel, any of them, but i need to finish

~i need to develop a thick skin

~i need to put my emotions into my writing instead of curling up around myself like a wounded caterpillar

~i need to treat myself like a writer instead of an aspiring writer

~i need to have faith

~i need to believe

 

it's funny, but sometimes i look at old pictures of myself & i don't recognize that person. especially looking back three years to my burning man self. i came back so focused from the playa. ready to light the world on fire & dance while i watched it burn. ready to be larger than life & so in control of everything. occasionally i still see glimpses of that girl in my eyes, something deep in the green-gold-hazel-ish undertones of my brown eyes. i have a picture of myself that i took that day, in the airport, on the way back to minnesota, a wonderful myspace-sque self portrait. looking at the picture i have such a deep longing to be able to meld my current self with that former self that it feels like a razor in my chest, a sob that just won't bubble up completely.

 

i do know that somewhere within myself i have the answers to all of this. i know that i know how to accomplish all those things i need to do in order to have the life that is meant for me. but right now i'm feeling a lotta-bit lost, like someone changed the topography & forgot to give me a new map. it's a lot harder to follow the right path when you can't even see the road.

life, the universe, & all that fun jazz

it's not news to anyone who has been around me lately that my life has been full of events, emergencies, & basically one emotionally draining bizarre event after another. yeah, i know, wake up & smell the espresso, that's life. & yeah, it is life. & i need to learn how to balance all that bullshit with my writing. because i've been a major slacker when it comes to my writing. not only my blog, but everything else too.

just so we're all reading the same book here. this is a short sum-up of recent events:
~april 9th my dad had rotator cuff surgery (so he's now off of work for 6 months & driving every one crazy)
~april 28th my grandma died in arizona
~may 12th last day of class & final paper due (i had to beg an extension to turn it in on monday the 14th)
~may 12th tina's baby shower, which i was hosting
~may 12th becky's bachelorette, which i was hosting
~may 18th grandma's funeral
~may 18th marty & becky's wedding
~may 18th tina's grandma died
~today tina's grandma's funeral

there's been lots of other little stuff in there & lots of inner drama, but that's the main listing of the external events that have been on my list of challenging items.

in the midst of all the trauma/drama i have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly over thinking, but some plain ol regular thinking too. & i've come to two pretty important conclusions. one of which i'm ept sure that i've mentioned on here, the other which i'm ept sure i haven't mentioned on here.

so the first conclusion is that no matter how completely insane my life gets i need to keep writing & keep working on that dream. because it's not going to happen on my own. & one thing i've noticed is that the times when my life is the most insane, when tons of outside shits keeps intruding, that is the time when i should be writing the most. not because writing is therapeutic, because my "therapeutic" writing sucks ass most of the time. but because i need to learn to write all the time, no matter what is happening in my life. & i have totally said that before. i know that i have. but life is one big long lesson. & some times you have to fail the tests a couple times before the lesson sticks.

the second conclusion is a lot harder to verbalize. it has to do more with my spirit. just like i've been neglecting my writing, i've been neglecting my spirit. & i think the two are most definitely related. back when i was eighteen i came to a realization, that i needed to follow a different path. i feel the best when i do lots of meditation, when i'm at peace with myself and the world around me. i really believe that i need to be in tune with nature. this is what i've been neglecting. i've been SO concerned with making sure that i'm not disappointing anyone, letting anyone down, or in any other fashion fucking up that i've been neglecting that internal maintenance on my soul. if that makes any sense at all. when i was really at peace with myself i was doing lots of meditation, inner soul searching, & just spirit maintenance. basically i've been letting my spirituality lapse. there's not really a better way to say that. but i may go into it deeper in a later blog.

& that's basically what i need to do i need to write more & regain my spirituality.

nuff said.

care bear philosophy

it's been said by too many people in too many ways, that the ending of one thing should be thought of, not as an ending, but as the beginning of something else. also, when god closes a door, he opens a window. yada yada yada. it's a tired & worn out phrase, ideology, something warm & fuzzy to wrap ourselves in when something in our life goes awry & we need to feel better about our past & where we still have to travel in the future.

fuck. that. shit.

sometimes a girl needs to wallow. with a long island. or a big mother-effing bottle of tequila.

i won't say that i regret anything that's happened in the past two years, because to say i regret it is to say that, if given the chance, i would change it, & i wouldn't change it. because that's not the way i roll.

like everything in my life i'm trying to look at the opportunities that are being presented to me now instead of what i'm losing. & it's hard, because, well, the afore mentioned long islands &/or bottle of tequila for starters. but beyond that, 'cause i hate saying good bye. & i hate admitting that i'm wrong.

& most of all, i hate failing, at anything. & i feel like i failed. big time.

no matter what anyone says, it's how i feel. & i won't apologize for how i feel. it cheapens you, & your emotions, to apologize for them.

& that's all i have to say about that.

yeah, so that didn't last long

i'll write more later. but i'm so upset right now. i tried on my dress last night, & i was so excited & hopeful & my mom just sat there looking at me with this scowl on my face like i was the most worthless piece of trash on planet earth. the entire time we were there she didn't smile once. not once did she say "oh, honey, you look beautiful. you look just like a princess." all she came up with was, "yeah, it's different. i guess bold is a good word to describe it."

last year she gushed when i tried on white wedding gowns.

this one, the gown of MY dreams, she shunned.

i cried myself to sleep last night.

let me off this ride!

so yesterday was a horrid emotional roller coaster to say the very least.

first: at work i was told that i'm being moved to another location. so i'm being removed from my nice mellow office to the high-stressed corporate office where everyone is in a perpetual bad mood. yeah, that really made my day (note the sarcasm, please)

then, during my last break i was checking my voicemail & i had a message from my dad saying that my dog ran off. he (my dog, not my dad) was outside to go to the bathroom & someone in the neighborhood lit a firecracker, he (once again, dog not dad) spooked & ran. needless to say i was a basketcase & was sent home. thankfully jenn was still here & volunteered to stay until 8pm so that i could head home at 6pm. she really is a sweetheart!

luckily part of this has a happy ending. my baby-boy walker was returned home to me last night after 9pm by two very nice ladies who found him wandering near some office buildings. one of them was a vet tech so she scanned his neck & got the chip number, called the st. francis, the shelter i adopted him from, & got my phone number. today i'll be getting him one of those little engraved name charms with his name & my phone number. we're also going to triple check the gates every time before we let him out.

the work situation blows, most definitely. but if only one of the "tragedies" of yesterday was going to turn out well for me, i'm glad that my puppy is home safe & sound. i was downright petrified that something bad would happen to him. my pets really are a part of my family. i do know that if he wouldn't've had the chip put in his neck by the shelter that we may not have gotten him back. so anyone with a pet, i would highly encourage you to pay the money for the service.

for now, we'll call this a blog. that's all folks!

a vanilla sky & star-spangled brownies

i was watching vanilla sky on bravo yesterday & i happened upon a pearl of wisdom "every second is another moment to turn it all around." now this may or may not be an exact quote from the movie, i don't travel with a steno pad, but it's a very close approximation. this came to me at a very opportune moment in that i had been scarfing brownies with chocolate frosting & patriotic stars ever since they had cooled & been frosted.

while i don't typically take advice from movies, this was a particularly good turn of phrase. & it's also very true. why wait until the next morning, next week, next month until you change your habits to make your life what you dream that it could be. sometimes the cliche is the most true: there's no time like the present, seize the day, tomorrow is today, [insert tired cliche here], . . . .

while it shames me to say, i will readily admit that my compulsive eating has gotten way out of control lately. my depression is a daily struggle. as is my home environment. & i really feel that so much of what's going on around me is completely & totally out of my control. BUT, i can control what i eat. & instead of becoming anorexic & not eating anything i binge & indulge myself because i can. yes, i do realize the behavior is just as destructive. & i know it's a good thing that i realize it. but i still feel like i'm light years away of getting a handle on it. how can i know, i mean really by-god fucking know that i'm killing myself with these actions & yet i feel unable to do anything about it? it just doesn't make sense.

it doesn't even follow the chewbacca defense. that's how seriously messed up it is. i'm a sad panda.

& i don't have an answer. a year & some change ago i was doing fabulous. i moved back into my parents house & that seemed to be the beginning of this awful down slide. i hesitate to blame it on them, but the environment that i live in is extremely dysfunctional & less than healthy. if i had the money i'd move out, right now, this minute. well, maybe not this minute 'cause i'm at work, but asap most definitely.

anyone out there want to hire me starting at $65,000/year minimum? come on, you know you want to : ) maybe not the best job hunting tactic, my comments may be quite interesting over the next few days.

i guess i'll just have to work to change what i can & not fight what's out of my control. no, not in AA, never been, but it seems to be the mantra to a lot of twelve-step programs which seem to be all over. i've also watched lots & lots of nypd blue which often featured the end of AA meetings. it also falls into the above mentioned category of cliche, but also just into plain old common sense.

no snappy comments inside:

i'm pretty down today. i nearly had alcohol poisoning this past weekend & then to top that off i got in a car accident sunday on my way home.

you ever just wake up feeling like a complete & total fuck-up? i'm at that point right now. feeling like i just can't get it right. nothing. like i'm not so good at living this life.

no, i'm not going to off myself, so don't worry about that one. it's a selfish action & i wouldn't do that to my family.

but that doesn't change the fact that i really want to curl up in a dark hole & have the world pass me by.

i'll do my best to get back to my chipper self soon. but being happy all the time is hard. & it makes it all the more apparent you're depressed when you really just want people to leave you alone & not notice any of that.