nearly two years later

nearly two years after my surgery and it's time to take stock of what has happened since feburary 11th, 2008 when i went into HCMC and had gastric bypass.

on the one hand things have gone well. i've lost about 100 pounds, and pretty much kept it off. so that's a big win there. i haven't gotten pregnant, which is a big no-no in the first two years post surgery. i'm now able to eat just about anything in moderation (which is fricken AWESOME considering some people can never eat certain foods).

i'm still struggling with my eating disorder. it's pretty much put me off the map in so many ways. yeah. it sucks. and yeah. i'm dealing with it. on the upside, if there is one, of having an eating disorder, i'm on the mend. and i'm much better now than i was a year ago. i still have bad days where i binge. days where i eat little to nothing. but those are few and far in between. and i'm going forward and hoping to switch to a different type of therapy. i'm investigating EMDR. basically it's supposed to be a lot less painful than standard talk therapy.

this year i'm taking two days off work, the day of my surgery anniversary and the day after, to celebrate, reflect, and take some time for me. right now i'm not super psyched about it. i was dating someone who recently broke up with me saying "you need someone better than me. i'm not good enough for you and will never be." wtf is that supposed to mean? so i've had a bit of rage about this and i'm trying to work through it.

family and friends tell me i'll come out stronger on the other side. they tell me i'll be better in the end. that i'm always stronger. that the universe has some other plan for me. well, right now, i would like to give the universe the finger because i'm sick of it fucking with me. yup. i said it.

finally: the charts from hcmc in december

my desk is being moved at work today. or rather, i'm being moved, the desk is staying where it is. so i was cleaning my cube & packing stuff up & i found my chart from my december appointment at hcmc. so i figured i'd put it up here. as of december my bmi was 27 (still over weight) & i'm still 26 lbs from hcmc's goal weight for me.

i still don't know how i feel about that. i don't even remember weighing the amount i do right now. yesterday morning i was in a meeting at work & i think i may have been the smallest girl in the meeting. that blew my mind & i was unable to concentrate for the rest of the meeting because i was trying to guess if i did weigh the least. & then at the same time i was thinking about my body & how i looked & just so dissatisfied that i weigh as much as i do. or, that i'm as big as i am. & i do realize that is a really fucked up thing to say because i see how thin, too thin parts of my body are. but then, but, i'll look at my clothes & think that they are huge & i'll touch my arms or legs or tummy & just get so upset that they aren't smaller.

& no, i'm not oblivious to how messed up this all is. evidently it's darkest before the dawn. i kind of hate that phrase. actually, i really hate that phrase. i hate any cliches that are meant to make you feel better, they literally make me sick. i don't like being sick & weak. i hate the fact that everyday is a struggle to get myself out of bed, dressed, & go into work to face another day. everyday i come home so exhausted & wrung out. & i let out my ferrets & i don't even really have the energy to actively play with them. on the one hand i'm lucky i have five because they have each other to play with. but i know they miss me. they'll come up to be & want to play, or give me kisses. & they give me this look. they are SO sad. & that just breaks my heart.

*sighs* i don't want to, i really don't want to, but i think that today i will ask ann for the referral to see a psychiatrist & get on a med temporarily. i feel defeated saying that. & i'm so damn scared that i won't be able to write any more. & i'm confused. & i am having trouble concentrating. it's 7:33am. time to head to work.

hard questions & harder answers

i saw my grandma today for the first time since, um, sometime in july. the last time i saw her was at a family potluck at my aunt's house, so it's been a good month & a half to two months. she couldn't believe how much weight i've lost. in the beginning after my surgery that was a really good thing, a thrill, when people would tell me how much weight i've lost. now it's a mixed bag. i looked at my mom when my grandma commented on how skinny i'm getting. her face reflected what i was feeling. it was meant as a compliment, & my grandma doesn't know about what i've been struggling with lately, so i can't fault her for it, but even though the comment on my weight was meant as a compliment, it makes me uncomfortable now when people mention it. but i still smile & take it as a good comment.

my grandma asked me when i'd stop losing weight. i honestly don't know so i told her my weight would probably level out very soon. she also asked me what would happen if i didn't stop losing weight. & i really don't know. i know that there are some people, not many at all, but a few, that after bariatric surgery can't stop losing weight & have to be medically managed so they don't get sick. i think it's still too early to determine if that's going to be the case with me. what i do know is that there are certain areas of my body that are getting much too small.

the other day E & i were curled up talking at my apartment and he asked me how much i weighed, so i told him about 165, which was my weight that morning. he also asked me if i've been exercising & i admitted i haven't been (this is something i really miss & i want to get back to). & then he told me he's worried about me, that i'm getting too thin & he can feel my bones when he holds me. he said he thinks i'm losing muscle & he's worried about me. i know it was really tough for him to tell me that, & i'm glad he did, but it's still hard. i look in the mirror & my collarbones stick out, my shoulder blades stick out. no one else sees it, but my ribs are pretty visible under my skin & i can't sit on a hard surface for too long or it's really painful for me.

i was talking to this guys at work, nelson, who is a certified personal trainer & was working with me & some of the other QAs. his wife had bariatric surgery & he asks me how i'm doing every time i see him. i told him about the eating problems & some of the other stuff & he said it sounds like i'm losing muscle, the same thing that E said. the only way for me to recover that is to start working out again, but i'm also almost scared to do that because if i don't get enough calories in, & especially enough protein in, i'm just going to burn more muscle.

as much as i try to get enough food, the right kinds of food, i know that i'm malnourished. i take my vitamins, i'm pretty good about that most of the time, i try to make "good" choices. but it is so fucking hard. i still can't always digest everything well, or i'll eat something & it'll make me sick, or i'll eat something & i have to stop after two or three bites because if i put one more morsel in my mouth i'll spit everything up. i really do kinda wish i could just have milk & not deal with food.

my mom & i were talking about the emily program & i told her that even though i didn't want to admit i needed help i'm glad i did it now instead of waiting until december. i also told her that i felt like if i had waited until after i saw christine in december that i may have been sick enough to have to go to an inpatient program. & then my mom said what i had been thinking, but didn't want to say aloud because i didn't want to be overly melodramatic. she said she didn't think i would've been able to make it to december.

i was at ragstock with steph thursday night getting some new clothes. while in the dressing room i had a really scary moment. i looked in the mirror & i didn't recognize myself. my face & neck & shoulders all looked too thin. & then in the same moment i told myself that i needed to lose weight that i was really too big, that my thighs, tummy, calves, & upper arms were just unacceptable. it scared me. no one would argue that i do have those flabby parts, but i do think there are several people who would argue that i really don't need to lose anymore weight.

my grandma asked me if i would be ok not losing anymore weight. my honest reaction to that is no. i want to be under 150. i need to get as far away from 200lbs as possible. i don't want to be overweight, even by a little. in order for my bmi to be in the "normal" range i need to be 145 or less, so i still have twenty pounds to lose. when i say things like that my mom gets really mad & talks about the "damn unreasonable insurance charts." & maybe she's right. maybe losing that much more is unreasonable, but maybe not.

i've been talking about this with my close friends, my mom, & E, but it's still hard at times. it kind of seems like every day is a bit more of a struggle. i was at my parents' house tonight & i got so sick that i passed out for a couple of hours. they tried waking me up & i just couldn't wake up. i would come to just long enough to mutter a couple of words & then i was out again. maybe it was exhaustion, maybe it was worry, maybe it was more than that, i don't know. but it scared me, & it really scared my parents. they really didn't want me to even leave their house, but i had to get home to play with the fuzzies. i couldn't let my kids get cage crazy, they need their run time & their playtime with me...they're very social.

april was telling me that dave, her fiance, can't understand how i can deal with having five ferrets in addition to my two rats when i have so much else going on in my life. & i admit it seems like there is something insane about taking on that many fuzzies, especially when they need so much love, care, & attention. but they really are saving me in a way. i love my furry little ankle biters (very true in the case of podo & slightly true with cass & doodle). they keep me balanced. they keep me from overworking. my little guys love me completely & unconditionally & depend on me 100%....& that makes me work even harder to try to be healthy. my family & E support me & it's not like i discount all their love for me. & i care so much about them that i am working towards getting better for me & for them. but there's something else about having my kids that helps me out. maybe it's that while they look at me with concern in their little faces, mostly they just look at me with adoration & all they want is to play. there's something very relaxing about that.

step 1

today was my six month surgical follow up out at HCMC. the surgical follow ups aren't really anything too intensive. i go in, the nurse takes my blood pressure & asks me a bunch of questions: any changes to your medication? do you drink, smoke, or do drugs? do you feel safe at home? are you being threatened? (the last two they ask as one question, which i, being a cheeky girl pointed out, because if you answer yes, is that yes to the first, the last, or both? so i said "yes the the first & no to the last one") can you dress, feed, & care for yourself?.....i shit you not on the last one gang, i've really been asked that, several times in fact. then after all that i talk to the residents/interns/students....whatever they are. they ask me how i'm doing, any pain, yada yada yada.....then they tell dr. lederer what i said. he comes in, sees me for a minute or two, then bam, i'm out & on my way.

& that's how it went yesterday. i was in & out pretty quickly once i was taken back to the exam room. dr. lederer said i was doing really well, my weight is lower than they would have anticipated at this juncture. i'm down to 171.4 according to their scale (which tends to be 5-ish lbs off my home scale). so according to HCMC i've lost over 100 lbs since they first saw me in october 2006. my BMI is something like 29.3. which means i'm now officially overweight & not obese. go me! that is a nice feeling to have the doctor's office show that i'm just overweight & not obese. it's one thing to see it on my home scale, but another to see it there.

i've got my february follow up scheduled with dr. hartley already, so i probably won't be seeing dr. lederer again unless he happens to be in clinic when i'm there. i'm just about to the point where my visits to HCMC will be every year. except i will be seeing christine again in december. on the one hand i felt pretty good leaving HCMC, knowing that my weight loss itself is going really well, my abdominal pain is gone, & the surgeons are really pleased with my progress. but. when walking out of the building i admitted to myself that i do have a really big problem with food. & i need to deal with it now before it gets bad because i can tell it's getting more serious the more time that passes.

tonight i tried calling my mental health vendor. for my insurance the mental health is handled by a separate department. well, i tried calling at 5:30pm & they were closed. the hours are 8am-5pm m-f. yup, shut out. so then i tried calling the emily program just to see what i would have to do on that end to see someone. & no one answered. they were supposed to be open until 7pm. they had an answering machine/voicemail option, but i didn't know what i would say so i hung up. i called them again, still no answer. i waited & then around twenty til 7pm i called again & actually left a message this time. that voicemail was one of the single hardest things i've had to do. it's one thing for me to vocalize this to my friends, but admit it to someone else, i kind of felt physically ill afterwards.

this is all still pretty scary for me. i really don't want to be at this place. but, i also know that denying i have a problem with food would be completely idiotic of me. my friends have been a good support over the past week & a half. & the one thing i've really learned is that even though
this is something i kind of suspected about myself, i thought i'd been doing a good job of hiding it, but i was doing a crap job of that. guess i'm not as good a liar as i thought i was.

there hasn't been a single person that i've told that has been surprised. Z actually told me that if i would've denied it she would've slapped me. she's in the cube next to me at work & she said i do talk about food too much, i obsess about it...& i'm bad for her diet (i love the fact that my friends have dark humor, & i really mean that. laughter & the macabre is a good combo). jenn has been super fantastic too about listening to me. she's a very insightful & deep person. steph has also been great about letting me know that i can lean on her if i need to. she's been the one that i've been leaning on the most lately. i just hope one day i'll be able to return the favor to all of my friends that have been here for me through this entire thing. i feel i have a lot of debts to repay.

right now i'm really petrified. & while i'm not ashamed of all this, i'm not necessarily ready to shout it from the roof tops, even though i'm blogging about it. i've told my close friends (well, most of them, it's a hard thing to tell someone over email, though i did tell jenn & steph via text message), & i've told E, but i haven't told my parents yet. i haven't told my sisters or brother. & i have no clue how many of my friends from other parts of the country are going to find out via my blog. i do realize it's semi absurd to be reticent about telling my parents & siblings, yet put it out on a blog for any one with a computer & internet access to find. but it's kind of safer admitting it to strangers.

i really don't like this at all. i'm supposed to be the strong one. i'm the person that others can lean on when they need help. i don't want to be broken or weak or damaged. & that's how i feel right now: broken, damaged, weak. i want the emily program to call me back. but, then again, i almost want them to lose my voicemail. damn gemini mind. i want help, but i don't. i want to be able to do this on my own. & i don't want to have a problem at all. maybe it's normal. i don't know.

intimate details part five: the writer six months out of bariatric surgery

well boys & girls i'm officially six months out from my gastric bypass. well, to be technical six months and 5 days, but close enough. i haven't done a down & dirty update on that in a while, so it's about time for me to do that.

believe it or not the inappropriate/rude/way too personal questions still have not stopped. but, i almost decked someone for the first time in regards to this issue. when i decided to get surgery i knew i'd be in for a lot of questions & curiosity. i resigned myself to that & accepted it before i had the OK that my insurance would pay for it. the questions have pretty much died off. people still ask me how much weight i've lost, or how many sizes i've gone down. & that's ok with me. it's natural for people to want to know that. i also often get asked about my eating habits, what i can & can't have (look below for more on that). that's cool with me too.

what i'm not cool with is what happened to me on fourth of july, which also happens to be my best friend tina's birthday. i was over at her parents' house for her party, just like i've been doing since, oh, i don't know, i was like fifteen. i was wearing some capris & a tshirt. i was dressed for the weather. now, here's the thing. with such a rapid weight loss you get loose skin. it's a reality. & i was prepared for it. am i happy about it? fuck no! but, dealing with that for a while until i can get cosmetic surgery is most definitely worth the added years to my life & the increased quality of the years. i'm not stupid. i know my upper arms look like hell because they're really saggy & droopy from the loose skin. i'm not a moron. that being said: at tina's birthday party her aunt marie says to me: "so what are you doing about your arms?"

i almost punched her. really. it's a good thing that #1 i was about four feet away #2 i love tina too much to be banned from her party's for eternity (although, i think secretly most of her family would be cheering me on that i had done what everyone's wanted to do for years) & #3 a higher power basically stopped all motor functions in my body long enough for me to realize punching marie would solve nothing. who the fuck says that? i mean seriously. the woman is on the top of my shit list. & i'm really glad i won't have to see her until next july. maybe by then i'll have cooled off. {she also said some really nasty/inappropriate things to my sister at my nephew lucas' 1st birthday party which i had to skip because i was sick...my sister is a bloody SAINT for not knocking marie's block off at that party. but, mark my words, next july the gloves are off. so she better watch her mouth around me. cause if i don't hit her i'll at least cuss her out using language that'd make davy jones himself blush.}

enough about marie. she's socially inappropriate.

yesterday i had my six month follow up with my internal medicine doctor & my dietitian at HCMC. then on the 27th of august i'll be back in to see my bariatric surgeon. at the hospital they officially recorded my weight as 177.7; that means that i have a BMI of 30.0, a total weight loss since i started the program of 98.3 lbs, & an overall loss of 69% of my excess weight. not too shabby. i did make it a point of telling christine, my dietitian, that i think their scale is off because i was five pounds less when i weighed in at home that morning, and four pounds less two days before when i was at park nic to see my regular doctor. she said she's heard it a lot, but they calibrate the scale regularly & it's dead on. i chalk it up to a change in the gravitational pull on 8th street in downtown minneapolis.

my appointment with dr hartley (internal med) went well. my blood pressure is great. since the exploratory surgery i haven't had any of the sharp pains. so he took a six month picture of me, said to come back in february for my one year visit & sent me on my merry way. thankfully without any blood draws! i am getting better at having my blood drawn, but i'll never be a big donor, or, donor at all, to the red cross. & fuck if i'll ever sell plasma. much too queasy.

overall the appointment with christine went well. she wants me to take a B complex vitamin. she thinks it'll help with my energy levels. she also wants me to stop taking tums for my calcium & start taking a calcium citrate. i also need to be better about drinking my protein drinks & making sure that i get enough fluids, i'm still struggling with dehydration. it's really hard because even though i'm six months out of gastric bypass, i'm only nine weeks out of my second surgery. & the exploratory put me back to about square three. after that i had the nausea again, trouble eating, weakness...the whole kit 'n kaboodle.

i've been struggling since yesterday whether or not to blog about this next part. i've told a couple of my friends & sworn them each to secrecy on it. but i think i should blog about it. i'm really upfront in my blog about the most intimate details of my life, so why not this? when i was talking to christine i told her that i hate food. i hate dealing with it, thinking about it. basically everything. i also told her that by the time i had the gastric bypass surgery i had been fed up with dealing with food. she said it may be because i've been having such a rough go of it since the surgery, & then having to had a second surgery, my poor body has been through quite a bit in the last six months. some problems are expected.

but it also concerned her. it concerned her to the point that she asked me "am i going to have to refer you to an eating disorder program?" her tone was light when she said it, almost half joking, but there was a seriousness behind her eyes & the statement. i did protest that i didn't have an eating disorder. she then went on to tell me that it is fairly common for people post bariatric surgery to develop an eating disorder & it's nothing to be ashamed of. but, gang, the truth is, i've sorta wondered it myself. i've even kinda joked about it with my friends. but it's nothing to joke about at all.

if it was possible i would not deal with food at all. if i could just take some vitamins & drink some milk or a supplement with the right amount of calories i'd do that & stop thinking about food all together. i spend much too much time obsessing about food. & that's really the only way to describe it is obsess. part of it is a lot of things do make me sick. i don't handle chicken very well unless it is very moist. sometimes mashed potatoes don't digest well. & some days something i was able to eat the day before with no problem will make me sick as a dog. i can't have juice or anything with too much sugar. but i agonize about food. sometimes i'll get paralyzed just having to decide what i'm going to eat. i do enjoy cooking for E & going out to eat with him (& my family & friends). but i think that's about the socialization & not the eating.

is all this normal because of how hard my recovery has been? maybe it'll all even out over the next few months. i'm set to go back to see christine again in mid-december. she did give me some information on a program in the twin cities that is supposed to be good. it's called the emily program. she didn't refer me or even say that i need to go. but she gave me the information including the name of one of the doctors there that she's worked with.
she suggested that i think about it & maybe check it out. this is scary. it's fucking petrifying. but, i guess it's also maybe a good sign that i'm open to listen? that i'm brave enough to put it out here on my blog where anyone can find it (& i mean anyone, if my mom or other family members are nosy enough they can google my name & find this blog)?

my plan? i have no idea. well, not exactly no idea. i decided i'm going to start attending the monthly support group meetings at HCMC. when i go into work on monday i'm going to put it on the calendar that i need to leave by 3:30pm on the third wednesday of every month. then i won't have any excuse at all not to go. in addition to that i'm going to start paying more attention. what really is my relationship with food? do i hate it because things have been tough over the past few months, or is it something more than that? i know that i need more time to process all of this & figure out my next step. if i have a problem i want to get help now before it gets totally out of control. i've thought about waiting until december & see what happens. but i may not wait that long. i'm contemplating calling my mental health vendor next week to see what my outpatient benefits are, specifically if i need a referral & if my medical out of pocket applies to that. i mean, i have met my out of pocket for this year, so if i'm going to seek therapy i may as well do it now while i don't have to pay anything out of pocket instead of waiting til next year when it resets. (can you tell i work in health insurance? how many people did i just lose with that yammering?)

i've said it before & i'll continue saying it. gastric bypass has been the most challenging thing in my life. previously it was burning man. this has blown burning man out of the water. the question has been asked before & i know it'll be asked again now: do i regret the surgery? would i change it if i could? hell no. not in a million years. even with the pain, the nausea, the complications, the exploratory surgery....even with the possibility that i may now have an eating disorder, i wouldn't change it. everything happens for a reason. i'm a firm believer in that, even though that is a fucking tough pill to swallow sometimes. but, in my gut i absolutely know there is a greater purpose for why things have been the way they have been for me. i don't know it now, & i may never know it exactly.

maybe it'll help me write a better story.

weight update

i need to bitch about my weight more often on here! i wrote the blog complaining that i couldn't break through to under 180 & then it happened, the very next day! yesterday morning when i stepped on the scale it read 179.4. i even hopped off it, then hopped back on to see it again (& take a picture because i really AM that much of a geek!) it was last week or so that i had stepped on the scale saw 179 something & then got the camera & then i was back up into 180.X, yeah, that was a kick in the teeth. & then i bounced all over the low 180's for days. but the 179.4 stuck. even though i got on & off the scale five times. that's not an exaggeration, i really did that just to see if it would stay in the 179 range.
i do have the photographic proof that i was in the 179's for a while. & this morning i was still in the 179 range, 179.8, but still under 180! i thought i would have more of an epiphany or a wow moment once i got to under 180. the last time i weighed 180 i was 14 years old, probably a few inches shorter than i am now, & definitely wearing bigger clothes. i now weigh less than i did in 8th grade. how can that not make me cry or mist up even a little? maybe because i'm still in this unreal phase. it all seems to be some kind of dream, or some kind of odd reality that i still have not adjusted to yet.

i'm about 18 or 19 pounds away from losing half of my body weight since my highest weight. i had really wanted to do it all on my own. but i'm not ashamed of the fact that i needed help. i did as much as i really could before i reached out. some of my friends have asked me if i wished i would've done this back in 2007 when i first started the process. & i'm really glad that i did wait until 2008. i wasn't ready back in the spring/summer of 2007 when i went in for my surgical consult. but this time i was ready.

& it's exciting to be in this new virgin weight territory. kind of a mini adventure. i'm excited to see where this all goes. it's also weird because even though my back has been hurting me really really badly for over a week now, suddenly monday evening/tuesday morning it was like i got a sudden burst of energy. i don't feel the same tiredness & lethargy that i had experienced ever since my surgery on february 11th. almost like i was covered in a blanket & someone lifted it off me. maybe because it's now been over five months since my surgery. maybe because i've lost such a considerable amount of weight. maybe a combination of all of them & something else. but it's very cool.

what's normal?

weighing in around 181 lately. which is frustrating beyond belief to me because i want to be in the 170's so bad. the only weight i remember being under 200 lbs was 180. & that was when i was 14 & in eighth grade. so once lately at work the comment i get most often is "you're shrinking away into nothing" or "you're just disappearing" or something of that ilk. basically telling me i'm getting way to skinny. once i'm into the 170's firmly it's going to be huge for me. it'll be "virgin weight territory" for me.

i'll admit i haven't been to the gym. the last time i was there was before my exploratory surgery, the day before my ER visit actually. i did get the medical okie-dokie to go ahead with any activity i want, just to go slowly. so i'm not supposed to immediately go to hard core weight lifting when i've done pretty much nothing since january, which is, of course, a DUH statement. i know once i get back to the gym, even if it's just walking for 30 minutes every other day that's going to help push my body out of this little plateau i seem to be stuck in. i also am anxious to start weight lifting again & really get back to my pilates & yoga. i'm also currently in the middle of a fucking wicked back injury, so that blows pretty hard core :( just sleeping, working, or being conscious is pretty painful, so i'm still not going back to the gym quite yet. & unfortunately back injuries just take time & pampering to really get better.

my long range plan is to do yoga or pilates every morning before work, & then do weight lifting after work. & by long range i mean i'm hoping to be to that level of activity by the end of july 2009. i used to work out twice a day for a total of 2-4 hours a day, & that was a combination of weight lifting/cardio in the form of the firm videos & then also pilates. i won't be going back to 4 hours a day of working out just because i have work, my ratties, my ferrets, a boyfriend, family, friends, & my writing, all of which i'm trying to balance & give each one enough time without shorting any of them.

looking & i told her that most days when people say i look thin that i want to respond with "yeah, so friday afternoon i met with my thesis advisor, deborah, & she was telling me how good i'mi'm thinner than the fat girl i used to be, but i'm still frickin big." & she said that i'm not big at all, that from her point of view i look "normal." so what is normal? i thought i heard recently that the average american woman wears a size 14. which, i'm still bigger than that. my shirts are around a size 12 (men's medium or ladies large) & most of my jeans are a 16, but those are kinda getting big on me right now. so i guess if i'm almost a size 14 then i'm nearing the size of the average american woman, but that does also take into account that there are people who are a tiny size 0 & then there are people who are a lot bigger.

my body perception is so bizarre lately. when i lay on my side my hip bones jut out a bit, even though i have plenty of flab on my thighs, belly, arms....pretty much all over. & now my rib cage is fairly prominent, same with my shoulder blades. my wrists are tiny enough that when i work at the group home i carry clothes to the residents rooms by hanging the hangers off my wrists while grabbing all the folded items in my arms. but then i can't wear my doc martin knee boots because my calves are still pretty chunky....which totally blows that i can use my wrists as a clothes bar but can't wear my knee boots. how is that even remotely fair?

according to the BMI charts that so lovingly grace the walls of every single fucking doctor's office a person walks into, i am still obese. at 181 lbs, wearing about a 14/16 & nearing what is the average size of the american woman, i'm still obese. i won't be "overweight" until i'm 174 lbs. it would be 179 if i was 5'5", but being a really short girl at 5'4 1/4" it's more like 174-ish. i know it's all just numbers not based on any kind of physical reality of a person, but still, thos numbers can matter. if, for instance, i needed to buy some life insurance, that's part of the calculation. it blows, but it is. according to the BMI chart i won't be a "normal" weight until i'm 145 lbs. it does make me wonder though, since i can feel certain bones jutting out pretty regularily now, how would i look at 145? or if i make it down to the 133 that HCMC deemed to be my ideal weight (had i never been fat).

once i reach the elusive 179 my next goal that i'll be striving towards is 161.5. once i reach that weight then i will have lost, since my highest weight, officially half my body weight. i do have some pics from when i was alot bigger. the ones i have on my computer are all hovering around 290 or so, i'd have to search through old pics at my parents' to see if i can find a picture of me around my highest weight. but i should put something up soon. i don't even have a recent picture of myself to put up. but, i'm getting my hair done on tuesday evening, so maybe i'll have my stylist take a picture of me. i'll need to remember to wear something ultra cute that day.

but back to the blog title: what IS normal? for weight, for size, for all of it. i really don't know anymore.

update (7/14/8): here is a pic from my birthday. my brother was just snapping random pics with my digital cam & i didn't know he was taking it, & i'm not super psyched about it, but here it is for now.

in about an hour i'll be leaving my parents' house & heading to HCMC to go under general anesthesia again. this time i'm having an exploratory laprascopy & an EGD (i can't recall the exact name, but they're sticking a tube down my throat). about a month ago, may 15th to be exact, i went into the ER at methodist hospital with abdominal pains so bad all i could do is cry. a coworker had to drive me in actually because i couldn't drive myself. they did some tests in the ER but couldn't find anything emergent, so i was sent home with orders to follow up.

pn (park nicollet the medical system my main doctor works from & the medical system of methodist hospital) decided i have an ulcer, put me on meds, & said we'll see what happens. i went to HCMC & my surgeon disagreed. pn called me last week to schedule an endoscopy, i nicely told them my surgeon disagreed with them & could they please call HCMC & come to a conclusion on a diagnosis. yeah. that didn't go over well. if you want to feel seething indignancy try telling a private practice doctor that your county doctor thinks they're wrong.

went back to HCMC yesterday for my surgical follow up & because i've had two bad attacks in the past two weeks (one last wednesday & one this past monday) my surgeon decided the best course of action is to go in & look around to see what's going on. i found this out yesterday morning. he had mentioned surgery when i saw him two weeks ago, but my brain somehow deciphered it to mean i'd only have surgery if things got bad enough for me to go to the er. i didn't really comprehend that if it was still bad over two weeks that i'd be heading back under the scalpel. ye-haw. *eye roll*

i did start to freak out yesterday, i won't deny that. but my surgeon doesn't seem terribly worried, evidently it's just a simple in & out outpatient procedure. he said i'll be fine & dandy by sunday to head to the science museum with my dad. i'll be honest, i did ask if we could do it later because sunday was my birthday & he said i probably shouldn't schedule this around my social calendar. but we could wait if i wanted, but he didn't feel it was the best option. yeah. evidently when faced with possibly life threatening medical diagnosis my first response is denial.

flashback eight years: saturday of easter weekend in 2000 my parents took me to regions hospital er because i was having crippling stomach pains, all i could do was cry. they did some tests & realized i had pancreatitus, which can be really serious if untreated. they said my gallbladder had to come out, i had stones & it was causing serious problems, but they couldn't take out my gallbladder until the pancreatitus resolved so the er doc wanted to admit me. my response was "i have a final project due on monday, can i go home & i promise i'll come back monday afternoon?" the doctor looked at me as if i was completely loony tunes & off my lithium & said "no, you're not leaving. this could KILL you." most people would accept that, but me being me & being one fucking stubborn bitch, i still asked him if it was open to negotiations. it wasn't.

time to shut down my computer so i can get off to the hospital. i'll be blogging later today, hopefully, if i'm not too nauseous from the anesthesia. whatever they gave me last time for anesthesia made me SO sick. omg. that was horrible nauseous. i'm contemplating spewing now as i recall the sensation. but, at least this time it's not as serious as it was last time. wish me well!

checking in, body dismorphia, & you're craving what now?!

one of the big questions i get a lot is "how much weight have you lost?" not a question i mind answering at all, & i realized i haven't answered it here on my blog in a while. when i weighed in yesterday morning i was 192.8. which means that from my all time high of 323 i'm down 130.2 lbs. yeah. i've lost a whole human being. & not just a kid or an olson twin, but a real sized human being! i've lost almost what hcmc told me would be my ideal weight if i have never been morbidly obese.

i actually have such a hard time wrapping my head around the numbers sometimes because they seem so unreal. but they're true. & i have to say that even though i did wind up going the surgery route, i did lose a pretty healthy chunk of weight on my own prior to surgery. just before i started the liquid diet i was hovering around 258 or so, which means i lost a good 60+ pre-surgery on my own, which is a damn good accomplishment.

i've taken to staring in mirrors. i mean. i'm one sexy bitch. i was a sexy bitch even at 300+ lbs, but i'm just dead sexy now *winks* but seriously. i'll look in the mirror at times & i kind of can't believe my eyes. i also have taken to running my hands up & down my sides. i can feel ribs now. i don't recall that sensation before. i've also become obsessed with my hip bones. when i lay on my side watching tv they jut out just a little bit & i can bump my fingertips along the bones. it is the damned oddest thing to suddenly experience. but i'm really enjoying all these new experiences.

last week i had an OMG, you're frickin kidding me moment. rachel & i went to the death cab for cutie show (i will be writing more about this soon). afterwards i wanted to get a t-shirt. so i asked the girl selling them if she had any larges or extra larges. she handed me an extra large. i then asked rachel if she wanted one (my treat cause this was her birthday gift) & she said yeah. she also held up the xl & said "becks, i think you'll need something smaller." so i gave the xl to rachel cause it fit her & asked the girl if they had any larges, which they didn't. so i got a medium. as rachel & i were walking out of the orpheum i said something about it fitting me in a few weeks or so.

when i got home from dropping her off at her place i held it up & realized it looked about the same size as one of my other tees i've been wearing, so i figured what the hell & tried it on. & it fit. yeah. the fucking medium tee fit me. i almost died. i then wore it to work on tuesday to work & then proceeded to tell everyone my story of the t-shirt saga. i think fairly soon some people i know may start punching me in the face over the size thing. i do often tell people when i get into a new size. i just find myself gobsmacked & need to share my sense of wonder. then again. i am cognisant that my wonder is not everyone's.

it's so odd because i really have no clue at all what size i wear. it seems to vary so widely lately that i really can't keep up. & i think that because i've lost so quickly, which yes, i realize was part of the point of getting this surgery, but because i've lost so quickly i think my mind is having a hard time coming to grips with all of this at times. i hold up clothes, think "yeah, that'll fit over my left thigh, if i'm lucky" & the thing fits perfectly, or is a little bit big. i'm sure that once i'm a year or more out from surgery & the weight loss stops i'll get a better handle on all of this. & i'll be able to look at clothes & tell if they'll fit or not, or at least do it with a bit more accuracy.

with as rough a time as i had early on, things are getting better. i'm able to eat a bigger variety of foods. i'm no longer a vegetarian (thank heavens, that almost killed me!) i still don't get hungry, but i do find that i'll have a food that actually tastes good, or if it's easy to digest, i'll wind up craving it for a while. which is the strangest damn thing, because i really don't feel hunger, yet i get cravings. for a while there i was on an eggroll kick. but it had to be vietnamese eggrolls from village wok. & then after that i went through a chili phase. part of that may have been that i had enough to feed the eighth army in my fridge. last week was chef salads. this week i'll be eating plenty of chili again because i thawed some of the stuff i froze. not sure if i'll be craving it or not.

let's see, what else. OH! & i've developed intolerance to both milk & sugar. for a while i was drinking milk three times a day & it was my sole source of nutrition. now i get really sick & feel sluggish & icky when i drink it. which makes me sad. as for the sugar. i can have a little bit, but i can't have really sugary things or i get sluggish & sleepy & feel general malaise. so no byerly's cake for my birthday as in years past. the frosting is too harsh for me. instead my family is getting the reduced sugar cake mix, making that, using sugar free jello, & light cool whip to make a "poke cake." & i'm hoping that will be ok & not make me sick. the sugar thing is tricky because while sugar makes me sick, i still have an incredible sweet tooth. yeah, there's a nice loop the universe threw at me. BUT! i've found a way to cure my sweet craving without getting sick. i just eat one of two of the strawberry frosted mini wheats at the end of my meal. i get my sweet craving taken care of, i don't get sick, & they're not horribly bad for me.

there is plenty more to update in my life, but my computer is telling me it's near midnight. my eyelids are drooping. & they boys (anthony & leif) are giving me dirty looks because i'm still awake & all up in their kool aid. either that or they're pissed because when i got home from work i gave them carrots instead of yogurt drops or frosted mini wheats or life cereal. they're definitely spoiled little boys :) either way, more to come soon.

for all of you with a foot fetish

here's the picture of my toes & the scale. if i would've known i was taking a picture of my feet on this day i would've gotten a pedicure. then again. maybe my weight wouldn't've been at 199.0 that day. & this is pretty damn cool. yo.

i have not fallen into a black hole

so yeah, i am totally fucking lame & haven't been on here in forever. & i don't really feel like doing extensive blogging now, i'll try to do more soon because i do miss it & i feel like i have a lot to say; but here's some updated pics. the first is me at work about 5-6 weeks ago. the second one is me at home tonight.

a week of doctor's appointments & medications

on monday i just wasn't feeling well so i called my clinic & begged to see my doctor. they managed to squeeze me in on wednesday. even though i had been on cipro since last tuesday, the night i went into urgent care, i just didn't feel like my urinary tract infection was recovering the way it should have. she ran some tests & confirmed what i figured. the good news is my UTI is no longer severe; it's been down graded to mild. the bad news is that in addition to the UTI i managed to get two more infections. jesus bobby. so another 7 day stint for the UTI, then a one dose antibiotic (yippee!), & then a 7 day stint on yet a third antibiotic because there isn't one that kills all three infections. i know. insane.

i had no problem with the one day antibiotic. it was one tiny pill, went down easy, no worries. the other pills have been, um, more difficult. the one for the UTI is a capsule, so pretty easy to swallow, but it is incredibly huge (i'll have to take some pictures, these are the biggest capsules i have ever seen in my life). the kicker is that i have to take it with food. so i have to take the pill with a small sip of water & then eat right away. the other antibiotic is the devil in the form of a pill, i swear to god. this one is also huge, it completely covers the pink part of my fingernail. it's a white tablet (once again, i need to get a picture, biggest tablet i have EVER seen in my life. . .& i handle medications at the group home so i've seen LOTS of meds!). the pill isn't coated & tastes horrible. not only is it the biggest pill on earth it is the nastiest tasting pill ever created. the pharmacist also said it can cause upset stomach so to take it with food. yeah, cause that'll work well.

wednesday night i took the capsule then the tablet then tried to eat & wound up vomiting. somehow i managed to keep the tablet down but lost the capsule. fabulous. thursday was a good day in that i was able to keep my pills down, both morning & night doses. but yesterday was not good at all. the second dose of the tablet didn't go well at all. it upset my stomach so bad that i threw up my dinner & kept gagging & retching until i threw up the entire tablet. not to be overly graphic, but i have never puked that hard in my entire life. i actually threw up so violently that i managed to burst blood vessels in my face around my eyes (above my eyes right under my eye brows & then under my eyes are dotted with small red bruises from the burst vessels). this morning i decided "fuck it" i'll take the capsule, call my doctor's office monday morning & find out if there is ANY other option to the tablet. it is just making me much too sick for me to keep taking it. i have to get my nausea under control & it's really aggravating my
system way too much.

yesterday morning, before the pill incident, i had two follow up appointments at HCMC. one with the internal medicine doctor & one with the dietician. those appointments went ok, but just driving out to minneapolis completely wore me out, not to mention the back to back appointments. the internal medicine dr was concerned about my nausea & lack of energy. he ordered a blood draw to see if they could indicate anything to point to my extreme fatigue.

the dietician is concerned because sometimes the nausea is causing me to skip meals. she wants me to have some slim fast or milk or another liquid meal if i can't eat. even though i'm supposed to be completely on solid foods & off of calorie liquids, she said it's really important for me to make sure i'm getting enough calories in. because i'm not eating any meat yet she also gave me some protein mixes & gave me some tips on how to get more protein into my diet. i really don't want to wind up with a protein deficiency. that would really really suck.

because i was so sick & this was my one month follow up they want to see me back again in a month. normally i'd be at the point where i wouldn't need to see them again until three months from now. i had kind of been telling myself that everyone has a rough time of it & i'm having a normal level of difficult. obviously i've been lying to myself. lying like a cheap rug. the truth is i'm having a much rougher recovery than most people. it sucks, but i'm glad to know that i'm not just being a whiny little bitch.

on the upside, my weight is at 229 according to HCMC (yesterday my home scale said 225). my BMI is officially under 40 which means i'm no longer considered morbidly obese, i'm now simply obese. who knew i'd be happy to be considered obese? but the most exciting news is that when i weighed myself this morning at home my weight was 222. why is this so significant? at my highest weight i was 323. so i've now officially lost over 100 pounds! 101 to be exact! while the surgery has contributed to that quite a bit, i had lost & kept off a little over 60 lbs on my own. it is such a monumental moment for me. according to HCMC i have a ways to go yet, they've figured my ideal weight to be around 137, but all of this is really now virgin territory to me. the lowest i'd ever been in my adult life was 229 prior to this. other than that, the lowest weight i remember being was 180 when i was 14.

i'm still not sure that i feel like i've lost that much weight. i still can't really tell the difference in my clothes, which makes me wonder if i was just wearing everything really fucking tight before. but other people can see the difference. jenn & crystal took me to trader joe's today (field trip!) & they both said they could see the difference. it's nice to get the external validation from other people. i'm sure in the weeks to come i'll see the differences myself. & i'll get some updated pics taken to post here.

three weeks out of surgery: faqs

my surgery was three weeks ago today & i've come to realize that a lot of people have the same questions about my life now, the surgery, & what will come for me as i continue to live with this change. somethings i have answers to, but others i don't yet have the answers, but i know they'll come eventually.

will you ever be able to eat normally again?
~that depends on the definition of "normal." will i ever be able to get my money's worth at an all you can eat buffet? no. will i ever be able to eat a wide variety of food again? yes. right now while my body is still healing from surgery i am on a somewhat limited diet. when i was sent home from the hospital i was on a liquid diet for a week, & now i'm on a softer diet, slowing adding in new foods as i can tolerate them. i currently eat 1/2 cup of food three times a day. my dietician said that i will eventually eat up to 1 cup of food at each meal.

how much weight have you lost?
~i know that when people ask this question they mean "how much weight have you lost[since your surgery]?" but because i'm me & difficult i like to break it up. so this morning i weighed in at 227. at my highest weight i was 323. since my highest weight i've lost 96 lbs. since i started the liquid diet i've lost exactly 30 lbs. since my surgery i've lost 15 lbs. this is all on my home scale. i go back to HCMC on friday for some follow up appointments, so i'll have some "official" numbers then.

will you have loose skin?
~honestly, i have no idea. & the doctors have no idea. because i've been obese, ok, technically morbidly obese, for so long it is fairly likely. but the human body is also wonderful at adapting, & as i lose weight my skin should "tighten up" a bit too. & then of course exercising will also help too. but overall this is one of those things that i will just need to do a wait&see on.

will you still be able to have kids?
~in a word: yes. i need to wait until my weight stabilizes. the official word from the surgeon's office i need to wait at least 18 months. now, it's not like i have anyone waiting with baited breath to impregnate me, but it's still good to know i have to wait that long, for my health & the baby's health.

would you recommend this surgery to someone else?
~this is a tricky question because the decision to have weight loss surgery is SO personal. i would never tell someone they should or shouldn't have the surgery because each person needs to make that decision on their own because no one else lives in their body. if anyone i know is interested in having gastric bypass i am more than willing to talk to them about my experience & answer any questions that i can. for me this was the right choice.

i tried to cover all of the questions that i've been asked frequently about the surgery, but if there's a question i forgot to answer, please ask & i'll answer it.

so much for being a super hero

i made it exactly one day back at work & i'm back out on medical leave again. oh, who am i kidding, it wasn't even a whole day. i WORKED the whole day, but i was there barely an hour & i felt lousy & had people telling me, in a very nice work appropriate way that i looked like crap. awesome, eh? everyone from coworkers to my supervisor to my director to directors of OTHER departments & even the woman in human resources. it was also highly recommended that i leave early. of course, i stayed & did as much work as possible.

on tuesday night after work i did wind up in urgent care because i'm SO TALENTED that i managed to score myself a post-op UTI (urinary tract infection). not to be overly descriptive, but it felt like my bladder was filled with razor blades. & that morning i'd been up for an hour & a half having to pee every two minutes. LITERALLY every two minutes from 2:30am to 4am. the urgent care doc was lovely but told me that i have a very severe infection. awesome. i rock. but i did get some pretty frickin strong antibiotics, which is good.

but i went to HCMC wednesday morning & had an appointment with my surgeon. & i really did go back too soon. i WANTED to be super woman & go back strong after two weeks, but i just wasn't ready. i have been suffering from VERY intense & overwhelming nausea. basically pretty debilitating. on top of that i've been really weak. kinda sad, but weak to the point that i have a refill for my air freshner that i can't replace because i can't get the cap off. pathetic, i know. although, the nurse at the hospital had a pretty good point that with the nausea, my body still getting used to my new stomach, & a severe infection it's no wonder i felt like crap.

my medical leave has been extended to march 17th, so another two weeks basically past today, so another almost three weeks in total. if i feel better before the end of my leave i'll get medically cleared to go back early. but now that i've come to grips with the fact that i'm NOT back at work after two weeks i'm realizing how hard this really is on my body. i've taken an afternoon nap wednesday, thursday, & today. just trying to drink all my water, eat three meals a day, & just function really is exhausting. i know that sounds lame, but it really is.

to be honest, it's twenty to nine pm right now & i could go to sleep for the night right now & i just woke up a couple hours ago from a nap. i have talked to my doctor's office about the nausea & the exhaustion. they said that everyone's body is different & some people take longer to adjust. right now it is really just going to take some time. i also need to be very good to myself.

little rest for the wicked

so tomorrow it's back to work with my bad self. yeah, that time went pretty frickin fast. i kinda can't believe it myself. since i'm still not feeling completely better i really kinda don't want to go. i'll be completely upfront about that. i've had more than one person tell me i should try to extend my leave. & that taking only two weeks off work is crazy.

& i'll admit, yeah, it is sorta crazy. now that i'm faced with going back tomorrow i realize this is pretty mother fucking crazy. no two ways about that one. but i also feel that i can't really extend my leave. OK, if i really needed to, i probably could have. but it would have involved getting new paperwork from hcmc & getting that to work & then my team would have to pick up the slack on the work that i was assigned to do this week. & i just can't do that. if i would have originally taken three or four weeks then it would be one thing. but i would just feel really bad trying to extend it.

so yeah, lesson learned. if i ever know i'm having surgery in the future i'll plan my FMLA for a longer period of time & then i can always go back early. it's easier to change the dates that way than the other way. for the group home i'm supposed to go back in a few weeks. because that's lifting people & repositioning them i took more time. i have about five weeks off from there.

in the mean time i'm just going to do the best that i can each day. i'm not planning on doing anything in the evenings that i don't HAVE to do. this coming thursday will be a challenge. i'll be working all day & then i have class that night until 9pm. oy. wait. can i say that again? OY! i'm getting tired just thinking about that.

post-op follow up, weight check, & the like

i had my post-op follow up appointment on wednesday & i was cleared to head back to work on tuesday. according to hcmc my weight is at 240 lbs, which is about five down from surgery, so five down in nine days, not too bad at all. as far as my home scale goes, this morning it said 229.8, which is .8 lbs more than the lowest weight i have ever been, to my knowledge, as an adult. granted, there is also a few days between those numbers (on wednesday my home scale said 234.8, so it is a bit off from the doctor's office). that's pretty exciting, i will admit. i'm guessing that by the time i head back to work on tuesday i'll be lower than i've been in my adult life. the lowest i remember being as an adult is 229 even, so i'm really close to that.

it's a very trippy thing. especially since people are telling me i look a lot thinner, but i'm not feeling it. & it may be because i've been not feeling well most of this week. i have been struggling pretty hard core with intense nausea. i've been so nauseous that my iphone knows that word after i've entered "nau" & it suggests the word nauseous. there are a couple of possible causes for not feeling well. it could be i'm dehydrated, which, evidently can cause nausea. i had no idea on that one. or my body could be having a reaction to the vicodin. or could be i need to eat something (which i don't feel like doing because i feel like vomiting). it's also been suggested that my body is still getting over the anesthesia. or that my body is still in shock over the trauma of surgery.

i did talk to my doctor's office about it. they said the nausea is pretty common. recommended that i take vitamin b-1, so i've been doing that religiously. & then they said to do everything possible to get my 60 oz of water in everyday. which is SO much tougher than i ever imagined it would be. that is NOT that much water. especially for someone who would routinely drink a gallon a day. but pretty much every day i'm battling the urge to gag. it really blows. but i'm doing my best. i'm making sure to take my multivitamins & my calcium (the past couple days in the form of tums hoping that'll help).

i really had wanted to blog more while i had this time off work. but i just haven't been able to sit at my computer for too long because it just makes me sick. i've been doing a lot of laying on the couch with my eyes closed. which, i'm going to do now as soon as i post this.

one week out of surgery

i wish i could give a weight update right now, how much i've gone down in the last week out of surgery, but i'm still at my parents' house & they don't have a scale here. i know. bizarre. so that'll have to wait until tuesday or wednesday when i'm back at my own place. i can say that when i was admitted to hcmc last monday i was 245.2 according to their scale.

as for how i'm feeling: doing pretty well. i was so sleepy earlier today that i basically woke up, drank my "breakfast," watched maybe half an hour of tv, & then decided a nap was in order. may as well take plenty of naps if i'm tired & i have the time off work. pretty soon, in just a week, i'll be back to work & back to my chaotic life.

looking forward to being over the liquid diet, but i've also been told that my "first meal" will most likely be fairly disappointing. *shrugs* just something different will be nice. & something that is progress & shows that i'm healing & getting better & progressing, which, solid food fills all of those qualifications.

i'm also looking forward to just getting on with my life. getting back to the Y & back to (mis)adventures with miss jenn. trying to re-focus my life & just get things back into my normal sense of (dis)order. i don't like having to be on the sidelines or to be out sick from work. makes me fidgety to get back into the mix of things.

field trip

i finally got out of the house today. i've been going SO stir crazy. not that i don't like my parents & my brother & my cats & dog. . . but i'm sorta a social person & i really need to go out & see people. my mom is the kind that can tuck in & stay at home for weeks & it doesn't bother her at all not to see other people. i've been so frickin bored, even when i was nauseous on friday i was sick of seeing the same walls.

ok, josh visited me on wednesday & tina stopped by with baby lucas on friday, so that helped me get through until today. but today i got out & about in the community. yippee! my mom had some stuff to get at target & i had a small list myself, so we went & picked some stuff up. i also got a new copy of pretty in pink since the one i bought last week skipped towards the end :(

while it was awesome getting out of the house for a bit, it really did tire me out. it's not even 9pm & i'm kinda nodding off at my computer. the only reason i'm even staying conscious is that i have to wait another hour before i can take anything else for pain & i really don't feel like nodding off & then waking up an hour later with stabby pains in my side. stabby pains are not good at all.

i know i've been bitching a lot about the pain & i try not to be the whiny complainer type, but this is pretty uncomfortable. then again, that is to be expected with surgery of any kind. it's still not as bad as when i had my gallbladder out back in the spring of 2000. so, i guess that's an upside?

speaking of food network

have i mentioned that food network is now porn to me? i spent the whole weekend before my surgery watching food network. right now i'm sitting in front of: diners, drive-ins, & dives drooling. . .& slightly aroused. ok, well, maybe not aroused, but definitely drooling. yeah, still on my post surgery liquid diet. i get to start on real food this coming wednesday, just three more days.

i didn't think i'd miss food. i've been SO over eating for such a long time now. it's been such a pain in the ass. figuring out what i was going to have for lunch, for dinner. breakfast was always oatmeal & coffee, so that didn't cause any extra thought. i tried for so long to eat healthy & eat the right things & nothing seemed to make any difference in my trying to lose weight. but i was really actually looking forward to post surgery just being able to plan my little meals, pack my little half cup tupperware with my meal for work & be on my way. no need to worry, fret, fantasize.

& now, five days out of surgery i'm watching tv & thinking: goddamn i'd love to have some eggs benedict right now. or a burger. or pizza. or cheesecake. or. . .um, how about just something that has chewable parts?

then again, at this moment my pain level is pretty high because of my afore mentioned lack of narcotics post surgery. i really must call my doctor on monday & discuss this, because i don't like sharp pains. & i want a quick recovery but i think it's a bit soon for me to be totally off the narcotics. i think i'll go take two of my precious vicodin, crawl into bed, & dream of tasty treats passing my lips.

first post-op blog

so i've come out of surgery ok. my surgeon actually said the surgery went really well. i'll admit, i was SO fucking nauseous when i woke up from the anesthesia. i really wanted to vomit. & i hate throwing up. that went away after a little while though. my family stayed for a bit, but then left because i was going in & out of consciousness & the chairs at the hospital aren't too comfy for too long.

but i had three visitors besides my family. Q stopped by for a bit to chat with me & give me a really cute get well card that has a guy hooked up to all kinds of IVs that have "real" food names on them (i'll put pics up later of my cards & such). he said i looked pretty good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. i was a bit sleepy & a bit nauseous when he was there, not because of him, but just because i'd been under general anesthesia that morning & had a pretty major surgery.

then about half an hour after Q left jenn & crystal came by to visit me. they both said i looked good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. & they made me laugh, ok, smile because laughing hurt, with some stories from work. i had to shake my head over the work stuff because nothing more i can do than that until i get back. but those two are so frickin funny, it was definitely great to see them. they also brought by some balloons for me & two cards: a get well card with a half nekkid boy (yipp-ie!) & a birthday card.

it was so nice getting visitors. i'm definitely a social kind of girl, even right out of surgery i was pretty chatty with every nurse, aide, doctor, and med student that crossed my path. it's just the way i bounce.

i did get sprung from HCMC on tuesday, i almost didn't & was pretty close to having to spend a second night in the hospital. D'OH! first they didn't want to give me narcotics because over a year ago i'd had vicodin for a back injury. yeah, so they wanted to release me from the hospital without any pain meds. then, once they found a dr to prescribe them they had trouble with my insurance. so they needed a new copy of my insurance card to run the meds through. by then i was in pain & nauseous & running a slight fever. so they checked my temp, decided to recheck it in half an hour, it was up again at the second check. so then they called a doctor to see if i had to stay or could go. by this time it was after 5pm. the word finally came back that it was up to me if i wanted to stay or leave.

i really almost decided to spend another night in the hospital because i was really nauseous & sometimes, god love him, my dad's driving makes me car sick even when i'm completely healthy. but i decided to go home because my back really hurt, not from the surgery but from sleeping on the hospital bed. & because i thought i'd feel better if i was home. granted, my parents' is not my HOME, but it's way better than the hospital. so my dad & brother picked me up around 7pm & i was off to recover at home.

i've been pretty good here at the 'rents place. i wanted to blog earlier this week, but my mom has been bogarting my computer. she supposedly took the week off work to stay home with me, but she was into the office for a meeting on wednesday & has been on my computer the rest of the time. as for me: i was in great spirits & feeling well wednesday & thursday. yesterday was really rough all day. i woke up nauseous & just got worse as the day went on. i didn't have any of my "liquid" meals. didn't have anything except water. & spent a good deal of the day gagging. yeah, not fun at all.

but today i'm 150% better. i wanted to go home today, but my parents have taken a vote & over ruled me & said i'm not allowed to go home until i'm able to drive myself. so, yeah, i'll be here for another few days. i pretty much scared the shite out of them yesterday. ooops.

but i'm back in blog land. back in the land of the living. & back to text messaging. so hit me up. i'm bored out of my gourd & looking for social interaction.