perfectly so

i had my second visit with christine this morning for my gastric bypass requirements. & i brought in all of my logs for my diet, exercise, vitamins & all that good rot since october 23rd. & she was wickedly impressed that i've been keeping track the way i have. i also told her that i'm trying to stop drinking beverages along with my meals. she said that's a pretty good habit to get into because it's one of the things that many people have problems with post-surgery, so it's good for me to get into the habit now. & i was straight up with her, i told her that i haven't been perfect, i've had the occasional snack & i've indulged in take out & still sometimes drink diet soda with my meal, but i'm working on all of it.

she also said that she can't wait to see me post surgery because i could be a poster child for the surgery. & in a way that feels really good to hear all of that. especially with the chaos of the last few weeks in my personal life. it feels so great to feel like i'm doing really well at something. although, i think a lot of my success is going to come from my mind set. i'm going into this knowing that i have worked really hard in the past. i haven't done as well every single day as i could've, but over all i've really put lots of effort into changing & losing weight. & it isn't weakness to ask for help. in a way, it takes a lot more courage to admit that you can't do something on your own than to just keep plodding along because you're too proud & stubborn to admit that you need someone to lean on. that's been a big thing for me. admitting that it's ok to ask for help when you've done everything you can on your own.

i know i've had some very mixed emotions in the past about obesity surgery, but i'm feeling very good about this. like i'm finally doing something really positive for myself. but even though i have this on my very near horizon, i don't want to pig out & just figure, oh, well i'm having surgery, what does it matter? cause it really does matter. i feel like i need every day prior to surgery in order to get myself prepared for the rest of my life. things that i take for granted now, like chewing my food, are going to have to be mindful activities post surgery. & the more good habits that i develop now, the less work i'll have to do on the post surgery side.

one thing i never realized is that even though i didn't really think that i snacked a whole lot, i really kinda did. & i'm trying very hard to resist snacking at all. if i get really hungry i'll drink some water, pick up a book or turn on my computer & 99% of the time that urge to eat goes away, & on those few times where it doesn't go away, then i have a small snack 'cause i figure that means that i really am hungry. but it's also pretty nice, taking snacks out of my life. i feel like i'm obsessing less about food. i plan my meals, eat at my meal times & then that's it. & i'm actually cool with it. odd, huh?

the biggest thing i'm worried about in this whole thing is my parents. they are, well, less than fans, of the GB. they are actually pretty much dead set against it & wanting me to do everything under the sun in order to try to lose weight before i go that route. the thing is, i have done everything under the sun. as a kid i was in a weight loss program where i saw a dietician, physical therapist, & psychologist. i've seen dieticians on at least 3 separate occasions at my main clinic as an adult. i've worked with my doctor. taken over the counter diet pills. i've done slim fast, weight watchers, richard simmons food mover, & south beach. i own so many fitness dvds & videos that i could open my own store. i own free weights, exercise mats, two different versions of the firm. & not only do i own all this stuff, i've used it. i've given up sugar & fast food cold turkey in the past. currently i'm using splenda, brummel & brown, diet soda, diet ice tea, watching my intake, taking multi vitamins. basically everything that i can do besides quit my job & dedicate five hours a day to working out, which would, frankly, make me want to shoot myself.

so biggest challenge over the next couple of months will be getting my parents on board with the whole thing. my friends are very supportive, even my sister, rachel, is supportive. but my parents are still digging their feet in the sand & refusing to budge on their opinion, which kinda hurts me a little. christine did warn me that often times the family dynamics will change after someone gets the GB & loses a lot of weight. which makes sense to me. especially when one person loses a lot but the rest of the family remains obese, which will be the way with my family. but i really also want to encourage & inspire my family to take control of their lives & their weight & do something proactive to change their current course.

over all i'm very happy i'm doing this right now instead of waiting another ten, twenty years. my biggest fear now is that for whatever reason i won't be approved for surgery, & that would really be disheartening & demoralizing for me. but i have the dietician thing down. i'm meeting with my primary care doctor next week to discuss the whole thing, so the only big hurdle left is the psychological evaluation which is the week after next. i took the mmpi, so they'll have the results on that, sit down & talk with me, & then it'll just be a matter of waiting a bit to figure things out. all the while continuing to do what i've been doing, eating well, exercising, & mentally preparing to turn my life inside out, upside down, & revolutionize my existence.