yeah yeah yeah, i've been avoiding it, but i know i need to update what's going on with the psych eval that i had friday. the dr was really nice. can't recall his name for the life of me, i think his first name was peter, so yeah, we'll go with peter. i'll be seeing him again in a few weeks. when i got there he asked me why i was there & i was point blank honest with him & said that my therapist & regular doctor think i'm depressed & should consider meds & so i made the appointment to appease them. i'm not sure if people are usually that blunt with him, but he definitely seemed taken aback by that. i mean, i guess on some level i was there because i figured it'd be best for me, but that was the main reason i was there, so why lie about it?
i've been seeing anne & amy for so long now that it was weird having to start back at square 0 & tell someone all about me & my problems. & an hour is definitely not enough. did i cry? yeah, i did. but, i had some pretty heavy BS go down the night before with my family, so it's kind of amazing that i even showed up to the appointment & then work afterwards. so he asked me some questions & i did a lot of talking. A LOT.
in the end even though i told him that no i don't feel i'm depressed he said that he thinks i meet the criteria for being clinically depressed. yeah, whatever that means. so i had four options: the first is do nothing & come back if i decide to try a medication, the second would be to try a liquid med in a pediatric dose & increase dosage gradually over several weeks, the third would be to try a half pill dose of medication & then after a week or two bump up to a full dose, & finally the fourth would be to just start out on a medication at full dose. i chose the last one. i don't want to take meds, but i'm willing to do it temporarily if i have to. & if i'm going to do it i may as well just do it & not fuck around with anything like a half dose or a liquid med. so i'm now taking prozac, the smallest dose they can give me without it being a liquid or splitting a pill.
needless to say there are lots of people not happy about this. me for one. my parents are really not happy. some of my friends are upset on my behalf too. i know, if i really don't want to take the pills it is completely within the scope of my control. i don't HAVE to take them. bit i'm going to try. i took the first one saturday morning. i take one pill, once a day, in the morning. now considering the fact that often times i have trouble taking my vitamins this may or may not go well. we will have to see on this. i am trying to be better about taking my vitamins too. i know that i'm only hurting myself by not taking them (there will be another blog about this AND my unhappiness in relation to my clinic & my unnecessary trip to urgent care last friday evening).
in 3 weeks i go back to see peter to check in on the medication thing. my main goal between now & then is to just take the prozac every day. since i'm very pill challenged lately i think that's a pretty decent goal. what i will say, & i say this LOUDLY & publicly: IF THIS FUCKS UP MY CREATIVE PROCESS & IMPEDES MY WRITING I WILL IMMEDIATELY STOP TAKING THE DAMN PILLS. i have absolutely no sense of humor on this one, no wiggle room, & no leeway. i'm meeting with deborah on wednesday & we're going to put together a schedule, a plan, for me to finish my damn mfa already so i can get on with things. try to get a teaching job, try to just move on with my life. i've been swimming in lame little circles without any forward progress & i need to move on. if these pills help that, then great. but if they make my life, my writing, more difficult then i say screw them hard, i'll go it alone.
Showing posts with label love thyself my child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love thyself my child. Show all posts
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, February 01, 2009
triggers
i have come to realize that recovery is going to be so much harder than i realized. not like i thought it'd be a piece of cake (fuck...another food reference!)but i guess i was under the misconception that once i reached out for help it wouldn't be so tough. in a way the deeper i get into therapy the worse i get at times. right now, at this exact moment, the past few days/weeks, it's been rough. right now i don't want to blog, i don't want to work on my book, or do anything else that involves me being too social. i want to curl up inside myself, tell the world to kiss my ass & fuck off, & surround myself with my family, E, & my close friends. i really don't want anyone else to be around me.
when talking with anne last week (anne's my therapist) she said that part of what is going on with me right now is that i'm becoming more aware. i've had 24+ years living with my eating disorder & being completely blind to it & how it impacts my life. now that i've come to grips that i really DO have an eating disorder i'm able to see how it is there all the time. & because i'm so aware of my eating disorder right now it's really easy for me to be triggered.
this whole thing is kind of like an exorcism. my eating disorder is a demon that is living in me, controlling me, changing me into someone i don't want to be, hurting me. & now that i'm trying to take control of my life again it's fighting to stay. i have this battle of wills all the time. sometimes it's a second to second struggle to do what's right for ME not what my eating disorder wants. for all those x-files fans out there it's like the black oil episodes. my eating disorder is this parasite that is swimming in my body, once in a while others could see it flash across my eyes, just for a second, gone so quick they didn't know if it was there or not, but now, it's been caught & it's just a matter of totally pulling it's nasty little self out of me & locking it away in a glass jar.
one thing that i've really noticed is how much the rest of the world is really obsessed with food. it's not just me, it's not just obese people, it's not just people with eating disorders, it's the whole god-damn-fucking world! every single day at work my coworkers (the ones in the cubes right next to mine) make it tough for me to sit at my desk & work. they talk about being bad if they go to chipotle, but good if they go to jimmy john's. they're bad if they don't work out twice a day, but good if they do. it's ok to maybe have a piece of chocolate because of the extra 20 minutes on the treadmill they'll do that night. when i was in the store at work on friday afternoon this random woman started talking to me & saying she was trying to decide if she was going to be bad & have some chocolate or good & have some popcorn. & then she went off & i could hear her muttering about calories.
& then there's tv. unless i watch nothing but dvds i am literally bombarded with images of food & exercise programs & gym memberships & judgment regarding weight & food & how all of that reflects on individual character. & it's so easy to believe all of it. i think that every person (at least, every girl) who grows up fat somehow thinks that all of their problems are based on their weight. it's what the doctors tell us, it's what the movies tell us, tv, & sometimes even what the people around us tell us. right now my weight is at like 160-something. it was 162.2 this morning when i weighed in at home to be exact. i'm still overweight according to the bmi charts, but "normal" or "too thin" if you ask some of my family & friends. & i look at my flabby tummy, arms, thighs & then i see a commercial for the total gym, or nutrisystem, or jenny craig, or weight watchers, or anything like that & then the regular programming comes back on & everyone is thin & they seem so happy.
my eating disorder soaks up all of this & uses it as ammunition to whisper in my ear that i'm a bad person because i had some m&ms. but, it's also my eating disorder that nudges me to go graze & nibble when i'm stressed out. it's my eating disorder that says "it's a bad day at work, shit is rolling down hill with your name on it, let's go get some m&m's. let's see who has some candy at their desk." & sometimes i win the battle, but not all the time. it's pretty even steven right now.
my eating disorder is also the part of me that makes me nauseous when i try to eat at times. like this past wednesday morning. i was driving to work & felt really sad about cleo & i started feeling guilty that maybe i hadn't done everything that i could for her & that i hadn't spent enough time with her & i was a bad person because she was so sick & i didn't notice it. & then amongst the tears my eating disorder started picking at my brain telling me to skip breakfast. i'd feel better if i didn't eat anything. yes, i do realize this is counter-intuitive & that usually people feel like shit when they don't eat.
before my surgery i'd starve myself as punishment. when someone hurt me really bad it was easiest to starve myself & focus on the physical pain of hunger than to allow myself to feel the emotional pain. now starving myself doesn't give me the same satisfaction that it used to. i still don't feel hunger. it's fairly common after gastric bypass to have to "eat by the clock" for a while & not really feel hunger. a couple of times i thought i've felt hunger, but i haven't really. & that makes me happy. one of my biggest fears right now is feeling hungry. i feel like i've written this before in here. but, if i start to feel hunger again then it'll be harder to skip meals. i know that is totally my eating disorder talking. & it's hard to admit this, but i can't lie to myself any longer about anything.
in my journal i've started writing down some of the things that i'm not yet ready to admit on here. "what, beckah, has secrets? & is unwilling to air something? pish-posh that cannot be true." yes it is true. i still feel at times that opening myself up while i'm in therapy is a dangerous game. there's a part of me (is this my eating disorder or not?) that is afraid people are going to judge me. think that i'm weak. & then there's the fear that somehow this may prevent me from getting promoted at work. or that somehow someone at work will use this against me. i know that legally they can't because i'm protected against discrimination because of medical/mental health conditions (& this one straddles both arenas); but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared anyone. especially since i'm pretty much all about the self promotion. i pimp my blog to almost anyone that will stop & listen. & i'm even contemplating getting business cards with my name, my blog addy, & my gmail for my blog as self promotion.
& finally, a picture of me blogging (yes, i bite my fingers when i think. i don't chew my nails/bite my nails off, but i pull at my lips & bite my fingers. eating disorder related? maybe. maybe not. we'll see).
when talking with anne last week (anne's my therapist) she said that part of what is going on with me right now is that i'm becoming more aware. i've had 24+ years living with my eating disorder & being completely blind to it & how it impacts my life. now that i've come to grips that i really DO have an eating disorder i'm able to see how it is there all the time. & because i'm so aware of my eating disorder right now it's really easy for me to be triggered.
this whole thing is kind of like an exorcism. my eating disorder is a demon that is living in me, controlling me, changing me into someone i don't want to be, hurting me. & now that i'm trying to take control of my life again it's fighting to stay. i have this battle of wills all the time. sometimes it's a second to second struggle to do what's right for ME not what my eating disorder wants. for all those x-files fans out there it's like the black oil episodes. my eating disorder is this parasite that is swimming in my body, once in a while others could see it flash across my eyes, just for a second, gone so quick they didn't know if it was there or not, but now, it's been caught & it's just a matter of totally pulling it's nasty little self out of me & locking it away in a glass jar.
one thing that i've really noticed is how much the rest of the world is really obsessed with food. it's not just me, it's not just obese people, it's not just people with eating disorders, it's the whole god-damn-fucking world! every single day at work my coworkers (the ones in the cubes right next to mine) make it tough for me to sit at my desk & work. they talk about being bad if they go to chipotle, but good if they go to jimmy john's. they're bad if they don't work out twice a day, but good if they do. it's ok to maybe have a piece of chocolate because of the extra 20 minutes on the treadmill they'll do that night. when i was in the store at work on friday afternoon this random woman started talking to me & saying she was trying to decide if she was going to be bad & have some chocolate or good & have some popcorn. & then she went off & i could hear her muttering about calories.
& then there's tv. unless i watch nothing but dvds i am literally bombarded with images of food & exercise programs & gym memberships & judgment regarding weight & food & how all of that reflects on individual character. & it's so easy to believe all of it. i think that every person (at least, every girl) who grows up fat somehow thinks that all of their problems are based on their weight. it's what the doctors tell us, it's what the movies tell us, tv, & sometimes even what the people around us tell us. right now my weight is at like 160-something. it was 162.2 this morning when i weighed in at home to be exact. i'm still overweight according to the bmi charts, but "normal" or "too thin" if you ask some of my family & friends. & i look at my flabby tummy, arms, thighs & then i see a commercial for the total gym, or nutrisystem, or jenny craig, or weight watchers, or anything like that & then the regular programming comes back on & everyone is thin & they seem so happy.
my eating disorder soaks up all of this & uses it as ammunition to whisper in my ear that i'm a bad person because i had some m&ms. but, it's also my eating disorder that nudges me to go graze & nibble when i'm stressed out. it's my eating disorder that says "it's a bad day at work, shit is rolling down hill with your name on it, let's go get some m&m's. let's see who has some candy at their desk." & sometimes i win the battle, but not all the time. it's pretty even steven right now.
my eating disorder is also the part of me that makes me nauseous when i try to eat at times. like this past wednesday morning. i was driving to work & felt really sad about cleo & i started feeling guilty that maybe i hadn't done everything that i could for her & that i hadn't spent enough time with her & i was a bad person because she was so sick & i didn't notice it. & then amongst the tears my eating disorder started picking at my brain telling me to skip breakfast. i'd feel better if i didn't eat anything. yes, i do realize this is counter-intuitive & that usually people feel like shit when they don't eat.
before my surgery i'd starve myself as punishment. when someone hurt me really bad it was easiest to starve myself & focus on the physical pain of hunger than to allow myself to feel the emotional pain. now starving myself doesn't give me the same satisfaction that it used to. i still don't feel hunger. it's fairly common after gastric bypass to have to "eat by the clock" for a while & not really feel hunger. a couple of times i thought i've felt hunger, but i haven't really. & that makes me happy. one of my biggest fears right now is feeling hungry. i feel like i've written this before in here. but, if i start to feel hunger again then it'll be harder to skip meals. i know that is totally my eating disorder talking. & it's hard to admit this, but i can't lie to myself any longer about anything.
in my journal i've started writing down some of the things that i'm not yet ready to admit on here. "what, beckah, has secrets? & is unwilling to air something? pish-posh that cannot be true." yes it is true. i still feel at times that opening myself up while i'm in therapy is a dangerous game. there's a part of me (is this my eating disorder or not?) that is afraid people are going to judge me. think that i'm weak. & then there's the fear that somehow this may prevent me from getting promoted at work. or that somehow someone at work will use this against me. i know that legally they can't because i'm protected against discrimination because of medical/mental health conditions (& this one straddles both arenas); but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared anyone. especially since i'm pretty much all about the self promotion. i pimp my blog to almost anyone that will stop & listen. & i'm even contemplating getting business cards with my name, my blog addy, & my gmail for my blog as self promotion.
& finally, a picture of me blogging (yes, i bite my fingers when i think. i don't chew my nails/bite my nails off, but i pull at my lips & bite my fingers. eating disorder related? maybe. maybe not. we'll see).
Saturday, August 16, 2008
intimate details part five: the writer six months out of bariatric surgery
well boys & girls i'm officially six months out from my gastric bypass. well, to be technical six months and 5 days, but close enough. i haven't done a down & dirty update on that in a while, so it's about time for me to do that.
believe it or not the inappropriate/rude/way too personal questions still have not stopped. but, i almost decked someone for the first time in regards to this issue. when i decided to get surgery i knew i'd be in for a lot of questions & curiosity. i resigned myself to that & accepted it before i had the OK that my insurance would pay for it. the questions have pretty much died off. people still ask me how much weight i've lost, or how many sizes i've gone down. & that's ok with me. it's natural for people to want to know that. i also often get asked about my eating habits, what i can & can't have (look below for more on that). that's cool with me too.
what i'm not cool with is what happened to me on fourth of july, which also happens to be my best friend tina's birthday. i was over at her parents' house for her party, just like i've been doing since, oh, i don't know, i was like fifteen. i was wearing some capris & a tshirt. i was dressed for the weather. now, here's the thing. with such a rapid weight loss you get loose skin. it's a reality. & i was prepared for it. am i happy about it? fuck no! but, dealing with that for a while until i can get cosmetic surgery is most definitely worth the added years to my life & the increased quality of the years. i'm not stupid. i know my upper arms look like hell because they're really saggy & droopy from the loose skin. i'm not a moron. that being said: at tina's birthday party her aunt marie says to me: "so what are you doing about your arms?"
i almost punched her. really. it's a good thing that #1 i was about four feet away #2 i love tina too much to be banned from her party's for eternity (although, i think secretly most of her family would be cheering me on that i had done what everyone's wanted to do for years) & #3 a higher power basically stopped all motor functions in my body long enough for me to realize punching marie would solve nothing. who the fuck says that? i mean seriously. the woman is on the top of my shit list. & i'm really glad i won't have to see her until next july. maybe by then i'll have cooled off. {she also said some really nasty/inappropriate things to my sister at my nephew lucas' 1st birthday party which i had to skip because i was sick...my sister is a bloody SAINT for not knocking marie's block off at that party. but, mark my words, next july the gloves are off. so she better watch her mouth around me. cause if i don't hit her i'll at least cuss her out using language that'd make davy jones himself blush.}
enough about marie. she's socially inappropriate.
yesterday i had my six month follow up with my internal medicine doctor & my dietitian at HCMC. then on the 27th of august i'll be back in to see my bariatric surgeon. at the hospital they officially recorded my weight as 177.7; that means that i have a BMI of 30.0, a total weight loss since i started the program of 98.3 lbs, & an overall loss of 69% of my excess weight. not too shabby. i did make it a point of telling christine, my dietitian, that i think their scale is off because i was five pounds less when i weighed in at home that morning, and four pounds less two days before when i was at park nic to see my regular doctor. she said she's heard it a lot, but they calibrate the scale regularly & it's dead on. i chalk it up to a change in the gravitational pull on 8th street in downtown minneapolis.
my appointment with dr hartley (internal med) went well. my blood pressure is great. since the exploratory surgery i haven't had any of the sharp pains. so he took a six month picture of me, said to come back in february for my one year visit & sent me on my merry way. thankfully without any blood draws! i am getting better at having my blood drawn, but i'll never be a big donor, or, donor at all, to the red cross. & fuck if i'll ever sell plasma. much too queasy.
overall the appointment with christine went well. she wants me to take a B complex vitamin. she thinks it'll help with my energy levels. she also wants me to stop taking tums for my calcium & start taking a calcium citrate. i also need to be better about drinking my protein drinks & making sure that i get enough fluids, i'm still struggling with dehydration. it's really hard because even though i'm six months out of gastric bypass, i'm only nine weeks out of my second surgery. & the exploratory put me back to about square three. after that i had the nausea again, trouble eating, weakness...the whole kit 'n kaboodle.
i've been struggling since yesterday whether or not to blog about this next part. i've told a couple of my friends & sworn them each to secrecy on it. but i think i should blog about it. i'm really upfront in my blog about the most intimate details of my life, so why not this? when i was talking to christine i told her that i hate food. i hate dealing with it, thinking about it. basically everything. i also told her that by the time i had the gastric bypass surgery i had been fed up with dealing with food. she said it may be because i've been having such a rough go of it since the surgery, & then having to had a second surgery, my poor body has been through quite a bit in the last six months. some problems are expected.
but it also concerned her. it concerned her to the point that she asked me "am i going to have to refer you to an eating disorder program?" her tone was light when she said it, almost half joking, but there was a seriousness behind her eyes & the statement. i did protest that i didn't have an eating disorder. she then went on to tell me that it is fairly common for people post bariatric surgery to develop an eating disorder & it's nothing to be ashamed of. but, gang, the truth is, i've sorta wondered it myself. i've even kinda joked about it with my friends. but it's nothing to joke about at all.
if it was possible i would not deal with food at all. if i could just take some vitamins & drink some milk or a supplement with the right amount of calories i'd do that & stop thinking about food all together. i spend much too much time obsessing about food. & that's really the only way to describe it is obsess. part of it is a lot of things do make me sick. i don't handle chicken very well unless it is very moist. sometimes mashed potatoes don't digest well. & some days something i was able to eat the day before with no problem will make me sick as a dog. i can't have juice or anything with too much sugar. but i agonize about food. sometimes i'll get paralyzed just having to decide what i'm going to eat. i do enjoy cooking for E & going out to eat with him (& my family & friends). but i think that's about the socialization & not the eating.
is all this normal because of how hard my recovery has been? maybe it'll all even out over the next few months. i'm set to go back to see christine again in mid-december. she did give me some information on a program in the twin cities that is supposed to be good. it's called the emily program. she didn't refer me or even say that i need to go. but she gave me the information including the name of one of the doctors there that she's worked with.
she suggested that i think about it & maybe check it out. this is scary. it's fucking petrifying. but, i guess it's also maybe a good sign that i'm open to listen? that i'm brave enough to put it out here on my blog where anyone can find it (& i mean anyone, if my mom or other family members are nosy enough they can google my name & find this blog)?
my plan? i have no idea. well, not exactly no idea. i decided i'm going to start attending the monthly support group meetings at HCMC. when i go into work on monday i'm going to put it on the calendar that i need to leave by 3:30pm on the third wednesday of every month. then i won't have any excuse at all not to go. in addition to that i'm going to start paying more attention. what really is my relationship with food? do i hate it because things have been tough over the past few months, or is it something more than that? i know that i need more time to process all of this & figure out my next step. if i have a problem i want to get help now before it gets totally out of control. i've thought about waiting until december & see what happens. but i may not wait that long. i'm contemplating calling my mental health vendor next week to see what my outpatient benefits are, specifically if i need a referral & if my medical out of pocket applies to that. i mean, i have met my out of pocket for this year, so if i'm going to seek therapy i may as well do it now while i don't have to pay anything out of pocket instead of waiting til next year when it resets. (can you tell i work in health insurance? how many people did i just lose with that yammering?)
i've said it before & i'll continue saying it. gastric bypass has been the most challenging thing in my life. previously it was burning man. this has blown burning man out of the water. the question has been asked before & i know it'll be asked again now: do i regret the surgery? would i change it if i could? hell no. not in a million years. even with the pain, the nausea, the complications, the exploratory surgery....even with the possibility that i may now have an eating disorder, i wouldn't change it. everything happens for a reason. i'm a firm believer in that, even though that is a fucking tough pill to swallow sometimes. but, in my gut i absolutely know there is a greater purpose for why things have been the way they have been for me. i don't know it now, & i may never know it exactly.
maybe it'll help me write a better story.
believe it or not the inappropriate/rude/way too personal questions still have not stopped. but, i almost decked someone for the first time in regards to this issue. when i decided to get surgery i knew i'd be in for a lot of questions & curiosity. i resigned myself to that & accepted it before i had the OK that my insurance would pay for it. the questions have pretty much died off. people still ask me how much weight i've lost, or how many sizes i've gone down. & that's ok with me. it's natural for people to want to know that. i also often get asked about my eating habits, what i can & can't have (look below for more on that). that's cool with me too.
what i'm not cool with is what happened to me on fourth of july, which also happens to be my best friend tina's birthday. i was over at her parents' house for her party, just like i've been doing since, oh, i don't know, i was like fifteen. i was wearing some capris & a tshirt. i was dressed for the weather. now, here's the thing. with such a rapid weight loss you get loose skin. it's a reality. & i was prepared for it. am i happy about it? fuck no! but, dealing with that for a while until i can get cosmetic surgery is most definitely worth the added years to my life & the increased quality of the years. i'm not stupid. i know my upper arms look like hell because they're really saggy & droopy from the loose skin. i'm not a moron. that being said: at tina's birthday party her aunt marie says to me: "so what are you doing about your arms?"
i almost punched her. really. it's a good thing that #1 i was about four feet away #2 i love tina too much to be banned from her party's for eternity (although, i think secretly most of her family would be cheering me on that i had done what everyone's wanted to do for years) & #3 a higher power basically stopped all motor functions in my body long enough for me to realize punching marie would solve nothing. who the fuck says that? i mean seriously. the woman is on the top of my shit list. & i'm really glad i won't have to see her until next july. maybe by then i'll have cooled off. {she also said some really nasty/inappropriate things to my sister at my nephew lucas' 1st birthday party which i had to skip because i was sick...my sister is a bloody SAINT for not knocking marie's block off at that party. but, mark my words, next july the gloves are off. so she better watch her mouth around me. cause if i don't hit her i'll at least cuss her out using language that'd make davy jones himself blush.}
enough about marie. she's socially inappropriate.
yesterday i had my six month follow up with my internal medicine doctor & my dietitian at HCMC. then on the 27th of august i'll be back in to see my bariatric surgeon. at the hospital they officially recorded my weight as 177.7; that means that i have a BMI of 30.0, a total weight loss since i started the program of 98.3 lbs, & an overall loss of 69% of my excess weight. not too shabby. i did make it a point of telling christine, my dietitian, that i think their scale is off because i was five pounds less when i weighed in at home that morning, and four pounds less two days before when i was at park nic to see my regular doctor. she said she's heard it a lot, but they calibrate the scale regularly & it's dead on. i chalk it up to a change in the gravitational pull on 8th street in downtown minneapolis.
my appointment with dr hartley (internal med) went well. my blood pressure is great. since the exploratory surgery i haven't had any of the sharp pains. so he took a six month picture of me, said to come back in february for my one year visit & sent me on my merry way. thankfully without any blood draws! i am getting better at having my blood drawn, but i'll never be a big donor, or, donor at all, to the red cross. & fuck if i'll ever sell plasma. much too queasy.
overall the appointment with christine went well. she wants me to take a B complex vitamin. she thinks it'll help with my energy levels. she also wants me to stop taking tums for my calcium & start taking a calcium citrate. i also need to be better about drinking my protein drinks & making sure that i get enough fluids, i'm still struggling with dehydration. it's really hard because even though i'm six months out of gastric bypass, i'm only nine weeks out of my second surgery. & the exploratory put me back to about square three. after that i had the nausea again, trouble eating, weakness...the whole kit 'n kaboodle.
i've been struggling since yesterday whether or not to blog about this next part. i've told a couple of my friends & sworn them each to secrecy on it. but i think i should blog about it. i'm really upfront in my blog about the most intimate details of my life, so why not this? when i was talking to christine i told her that i hate food. i hate dealing with it, thinking about it. basically everything. i also told her that by the time i had the gastric bypass surgery i had been fed up with dealing with food. she said it may be because i've been having such a rough go of it since the surgery, & then having to had a second surgery, my poor body has been through quite a bit in the last six months. some problems are expected.
but it also concerned her. it concerned her to the point that she asked me "am i going to have to refer you to an eating disorder program?" her tone was light when she said it, almost half joking, but there was a seriousness behind her eyes & the statement. i did protest that i didn't have an eating disorder. she then went on to tell me that it is fairly common for people post bariatric surgery to develop an eating disorder & it's nothing to be ashamed of. but, gang, the truth is, i've sorta wondered it myself. i've even kinda joked about it with my friends. but it's nothing to joke about at all.
if it was possible i would not deal with food at all. if i could just take some vitamins & drink some milk or a supplement with the right amount of calories i'd do that & stop thinking about food all together. i spend much too much time obsessing about food. & that's really the only way to describe it is obsess. part of it is a lot of things do make me sick. i don't handle chicken very well unless it is very moist. sometimes mashed potatoes don't digest well. & some days something i was able to eat the day before with no problem will make me sick as a dog. i can't have juice or anything with too much sugar. but i agonize about food. sometimes i'll get paralyzed just having to decide what i'm going to eat. i do enjoy cooking for E & going out to eat with him (& my family & friends). but i think that's about the socialization & not the eating.
is all this normal because of how hard my recovery has been? maybe it'll all even out over the next few months. i'm set to go back to see christine again in mid-december. she did give me some information on a program in the twin cities that is supposed to be good. it's called the emily program. she didn't refer me or even say that i need to go. but she gave me the information including the name of one of the doctors there that she's worked with.
she suggested that i think about it & maybe check it out. this is scary. it's fucking petrifying. but, i guess it's also maybe a good sign that i'm open to listen? that i'm brave enough to put it out here on my blog where anyone can find it (& i mean anyone, if my mom or other family members are nosy enough they can google my name & find this blog)?
my plan? i have no idea. well, not exactly no idea. i decided i'm going to start attending the monthly support group meetings at HCMC. when i go into work on monday i'm going to put it on the calendar that i need to leave by 3:30pm on the third wednesday of every month. then i won't have any excuse at all not to go. in addition to that i'm going to start paying more attention. what really is my relationship with food? do i hate it because things have been tough over the past few months, or is it something more than that? i know that i need more time to process all of this & figure out my next step. if i have a problem i want to get help now before it gets totally out of control. i've thought about waiting until december & see what happens. but i may not wait that long. i'm contemplating calling my mental health vendor next week to see what my outpatient benefits are, specifically if i need a referral & if my medical out of pocket applies to that. i mean, i have met my out of pocket for this year, so if i'm going to seek therapy i may as well do it now while i don't have to pay anything out of pocket instead of waiting til next year when it resets. (can you tell i work in health insurance? how many people did i just lose with that yammering?)
i've said it before & i'll continue saying it. gastric bypass has been the most challenging thing in my life. previously it was burning man. this has blown burning man out of the water. the question has been asked before & i know it'll be asked again now: do i regret the surgery? would i change it if i could? hell no. not in a million years. even with the pain, the nausea, the complications, the exploratory surgery....even with the possibility that i may now have an eating disorder, i wouldn't change it. everything happens for a reason. i'm a firm believer in that, even though that is a fucking tough pill to swallow sometimes. but, in my gut i absolutely know there is a greater purpose for why things have been the way they have been for me. i don't know it now, & i may never know it exactly.
maybe it'll help me write a better story.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
drinking mimosas from a coffee mug~a poem
normally i don't post my poems on my blog. but today, i will. the following is a poem that i wrote today. it's pretty self explanatory. thanks everyone. love much, beckah.
drinking mimosas from a coffee mug
today was supposed to be our wedding day.
instead, i went to target for wash cloths &
razor blades, picked up some sourdough bread,
milk & ramen noodles on the way home from
working my second job. clad in faded blue jeans
& flip flops, my hair back in a soft-worn gray
bandana instead of a princess dress with my hair
in big ringlet curls & a tira flashing like stars,
as i’d once imagined myself wearing this night.
i haven’t heard from you yet, but somehow
that’s ok, because i really don’t want to hear
your voice, or see your number show on my
caller id. i don’t want to think too hard about
the fact that you’ve already moved on to someone
new. & not because i love you anymore, because i
don’t. not in the slightest. not even a tiny little itty
bit with a hint of nostalgia. but because i want
you to think today about what you could have had
& miss me. & call yourself a fool. & wish for just
one more second chance, that i wouldn’t give.
so i’m sitting at home, a smile on my face & in
my eyes, drinking mimosas from a coffee mug,
toasting myself & thankful that i’m still alone,
depending on myself for strength, confidence, &
hope. writing a poem for myself, for my future.
knowing that in the end, i’m wiser for the time
i lost, better for the lessons i gained in the end.
& happy that i didn’t tie my life to yours today.
drinking mimosas from a coffee mug
today was supposed to be our wedding day.
instead, i went to target for wash cloths &
razor blades, picked up some sourdough bread,
milk & ramen noodles on the way home from
working my second job. clad in faded blue jeans
& flip flops, my hair back in a soft-worn gray
bandana instead of a princess dress with my hair
in big ringlet curls & a tira flashing like stars,
as i’d once imagined myself wearing this night.
i haven’t heard from you yet, but somehow
that’s ok, because i really don’t want to hear
your voice, or see your number show on my
caller id. i don’t want to think too hard about
the fact that you’ve already moved on to someone
new. & not because i love you anymore, because i
don’t. not in the slightest. not even a tiny little itty
bit with a hint of nostalgia. but because i want
you to think today about what you could have had
& miss me. & call yourself a fool. & wish for just
one more second chance, that i wouldn’t give.
so i’m sitting at home, a smile on my face & in
my eyes, drinking mimosas from a coffee mug,
toasting myself & thankful that i’m still alone,
depending on myself for strength, confidence, &
hope. writing a poem for myself, for my future.
knowing that in the end, i’m wiser for the time
i lost, better for the lessons i gained in the end.
& happy that i didn’t tie my life to yours today.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
happy independance day
ok, so it's july 3rd & not the 4th. but this is a different kind of Independence day for me, that just so happens to fall around the Independence day of our country. for me, today is the day that i can FINALLY dump TFF's (The Former Fiance) cell phone off my verizon plan. we broke up in december, coincidentally just about two weeks after he lost the damn phone. but because i had put him on my account as a second phone, i still had another six months left of his plan before i could give his phone number an adios & fare-thee-well from my cell phone plan. which, yes, did totally suck. & then, because he had lost the damn phone, i had the account on hold for 30days so no one could find the a fore mentioned damn phone & charge calls to guam on my account. which pushed the date from june 3rd, to july 3rd, for me to be able to call verizon & get the number dropped once & for all.
this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.
it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.
but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.
i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:
The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.
& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.
it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.
so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.
this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.
it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.
but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.
i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:
The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.
& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.
it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.
so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
yes, yes i really did need another hole in my head
2007 has, thus far, been pretty grand for me. even though i haven't accomplished as much as i would have liked at 25% of the way through the year, i feel like i've done a lot.
i'm finally me again. for those of you who have stuck by me through the last several months while i've been less than cheery, i appreciate it. sometimes, when you're in a situation that isn't good for you it's hard to see a time when things will be good again. luckily, i'm finally on the other side of that time, & i can see a time when things will be good again.
things are good right now.
i'm happy again. not deliriously so, but happy enough that it's noticeable to other people. i smile more, i'm more social at work, & i'm finally losing weight again. that's what stress does, packs on the pounds & keeps them there.
now, this wasn't on my list of 101 things, but it's something i have thought about doing for quite some time: this past sunday, i got my nose pierced. i will be posting a pic of it, i took several at home last night, but i didn't load them onto my imac from my camera yet.
i'm still getting used to having a facial piercing. i stare at myself in the mirror & i think i look wicked cute with the tiny pink titanium ball in my right nostril, but it's taking a lot of getting used to also.
because i got uber sick when i got my tongue pierced back in 2004, i asked jenn to come with me just in case i needed a nauseous driver to get me home. so i went to st. sabrina's here in the twin cities. & while i was handing over my license & getting my paper work to fill out, jenn goes up to the counter & decides, what the hell, she's in a body mod shop, she'll get pierced too. not her nose, her helix (upper ear/cartilage).
for the record, i did not in any way coerce miss jenn to pierce herself, she did that all on her own. so we signed our waivers, picked out jewelry (the afore mentioned pink titanium stud for moi, & a 16 gauge hoop for miss jenn). &we waited. & waited. & waited. i had no idea how many people would just randomly decide to pierce themselves on a drizzly sunday afternoon, otherwise i most certainly would have made an appointment.
jamie, our piercer, was very nice & definitely uber cute, in that pierced tattooed way that makes me swoon. he did miss jenn's ear first. & i'll be honest, i was going to watch, but at the last minute stared at her flip-flop clad feet because, well, i really didn't want to get sick before it was my turn to be poked.
even though i currently have a stud in my nose, i'm thinking i'll want a hoop some day, so i had it pierced so that either one will look good. now, ready for the dirty little secret of nose piercings? the after care, kinda, sucks, a bit. twice a day i get to mix up sea salt & warm distilled water, & sit with my nose in the glass for five minutes, wipe it with a qtip, & dip again for another five minutes. i swear, by the end of the three month healing time i'm going to have a permanent crescent on my face from pressing my nose into a glass of sea salt water. but, as long as it keep the infection away & helps the piercing to heal all cute & nice, then it's worth it, right?
jenn gets to lay with her head in a bowl of water. so *shrugs* six of one, half a dozen of the other, right?
all of this does bring up the question of motivation for body modification. i was asked why i felt i needed another hole in my head. & my response was that maybe i was just born missing this hole in my head & i'm not complete without it. i will admit there are some people who pierce or tattoo themselves to: fit in, be cool, piss of their parent/spouse/the world. but for me, in this life, it's all about evolution baby. it's about making myself into the person i am inside. & to be honest, i'm getting quite sick of being told i'm someone i'm not. so yes, i did need another hole in my head, it was missing. & yes, i need more tattoos. & yes, i'll keep on with the piercing & the tattoos until
until.
until?
until i'm done.
i'm finally me again. for those of you who have stuck by me through the last several months while i've been less than cheery, i appreciate it. sometimes, when you're in a situation that isn't good for you it's hard to see a time when things will be good again. luckily, i'm finally on the other side of that time, & i can see a time when things will be good again.
things are good right now.
i'm happy again. not deliriously so, but happy enough that it's noticeable to other people. i smile more, i'm more social at work, & i'm finally losing weight again. that's what stress does, packs on the pounds & keeps them there.
now, this wasn't on my list of 101 things, but it's something i have thought about doing for quite some time: this past sunday, i got my nose pierced. i will be posting a pic of it, i took several at home last night, but i didn't load them onto my imac from my camera yet.
i'm still getting used to having a facial piercing. i stare at myself in the mirror & i think i look wicked cute with the tiny pink titanium ball in my right nostril, but it's taking a lot of getting used to also.
because i got uber sick when i got my tongue pierced back in 2004, i asked jenn to come with me just in case i needed a nauseous driver to get me home. so i went to st. sabrina's here in the twin cities. & while i was handing over my license & getting my paper work to fill out, jenn goes up to the counter & decides, what the hell, she's in a body mod shop, she'll get pierced too. not her nose, her helix (upper ear/cartilage).
for the record, i did not in any way coerce miss jenn to pierce herself, she did that all on her own. so we signed our waivers, picked out jewelry (the afore mentioned pink titanium stud for moi, & a 16 gauge hoop for miss jenn). &we waited. & waited. & waited. i had no idea how many people would just randomly decide to pierce themselves on a drizzly sunday afternoon, otherwise i most certainly would have made an appointment.
jamie, our piercer, was very nice & definitely uber cute, in that pierced tattooed way that makes me swoon. he did miss jenn's ear first. & i'll be honest, i was going to watch, but at the last minute stared at her flip-flop clad feet because, well, i really didn't want to get sick before it was my turn to be poked.
even though i currently have a stud in my nose, i'm thinking i'll want a hoop some day, so i had it pierced so that either one will look good. now, ready for the dirty little secret of nose piercings? the after care, kinda, sucks, a bit. twice a day i get to mix up sea salt & warm distilled water, & sit with my nose in the glass for five minutes, wipe it with a qtip, & dip again for another five minutes. i swear, by the end of the three month healing time i'm going to have a permanent crescent on my face from pressing my nose into a glass of sea salt water. but, as long as it keep the infection away & helps the piercing to heal all cute & nice, then it's worth it, right?
jenn gets to lay with her head in a bowl of water. so *shrugs* six of one, half a dozen of the other, right?
all of this does bring up the question of motivation for body modification. i was asked why i felt i needed another hole in my head. & my response was that maybe i was just born missing this hole in my head & i'm not complete without it. i will admit there are some people who pierce or tattoo themselves to: fit in, be cool, piss of their parent/spouse/the world. but for me, in this life, it's all about evolution baby. it's about making myself into the person i am inside. & to be honest, i'm getting quite sick of being told i'm someone i'm not. so yes, i did need another hole in my head, it was missing. & yes, i need more tattoos. & yes, i'll keep on with the piercing & the tattoos until
until.
until?
until i'm done.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
it's all about the motivation
it's been said over & over that a lot of life & what you accomplish with the time that you're given is about the effort you put in, & related to that, about how motivated you are to achieve. what is often lacking in that whole description is the fear part.
trying to succeed at anything is scary. because you may fail. & no matter how many people believe in you & cheer you on, there's still that little itching of doubt in the back of your brain. that voice that sounds like (your over critical grand parent-abusive ex-second grade teacher-FILL IN THE BLANK) that voice that gets stronger sometimes the harder you try. the voice that tells you: you aren't talented! what do you think you're doing? no one is going to want to read anything you write. you're a loser. you're a failure. don't even try because you'll fail big time. give up, it's easier. give up, because you'll never, ever, EVER make it.
& it's hard when those voices are in your head, competing for your attention. so what happens when you're motivated, but you're terrified? i have the drive, i have the desire, i have the will, but i'm petrified. not so much of success, but of failing. & i'm told, by several people, i have nothing to fear. i have IT, whatever that may be. but i'm still scared.
trying to succeed at anything is scary. because you may fail. & no matter how many people believe in you & cheer you on, there's still that little itching of doubt in the back of your brain. that voice that sounds like (your over critical grand parent-abusive ex-second grade teacher-FILL IN THE BLANK) that voice that gets stronger sometimes the harder you try. the voice that tells you: you aren't talented! what do you think you're doing? no one is going to want to read anything you write. you're a loser. you're a failure. don't even try because you'll fail big time. give up, it's easier. give up, because you'll never, ever, EVER make it.
& it's hard when those voices are in your head, competing for your attention. so what happens when you're motivated, but you're terrified? i have the drive, i have the desire, i have the will, but i'm petrified. not so much of success, but of failing. & i'm told, by several people, i have nothing to fear. i have IT, whatever that may be. but i'm still scared.
Monday, November 13, 2006
luckier than some
my mood, my blog, & my person in general have been fairly dark lately. not goth-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-cause-pain-is-fun dark, but more just melancholy & very un-beckah like. & i won't apologize for it, because there has been a lot weighing on my mind lately, besides of course my butt. & with as hard as i tried to conceal my emotions, somehow they came out in little ways, in my blogs, my off hand remarks to friends, in my interest, or lack there of, in certain activities. & i'll admit it, i've been fairly upset over the past couple months about a lot of stuff going on in my personal life.
but this blog isn't about that.
ever since i posted the blog last week stating that my wedding was being postponed with no reschedule date, i've received a lot of support from my friends, family, coworkers, & my writing advisors. & while i've been keeping myself wrapped up, coccooned in my own little sphere, others have been noticing, & caring, & doing what they can to help.
what i realized today on my way into work is that i'm very lucky. instead of being alone in all of this with no one to talk to, turn to, or cry to. i'm surrounded by people who love me, are willing to listen without offering advice, people who are there for me without strings, without needing repayment, without asking anything of me. & in that way i am so much luckier than many people.
& that feels so great. to know that i have so many people in my life who love me & care about me & genuinely want me to be happy. i know for some people this is a NO-DUH kind of thing. & in a way i know that i have people that if i'm in dire need of help that i can call them & they'll be there no matter the time of day, night, or windchill. but it's so unexpected to know that there are more people than i knew concerned for me.
i'd like to take the time to say thanks much to everyone who's helped me over the last couple of weeks. even if it was just exchanging text messages, playing phone tag, or one line emails. it's all really helped me get through those really tough days & helped me to finally start to see some kind of good that can come from all of this. so thanks much, everyone. i really appreciate it.
but this blog isn't about that.
ever since i posted the blog last week stating that my wedding was being postponed with no reschedule date, i've received a lot of support from my friends, family, coworkers, & my writing advisors. & while i've been keeping myself wrapped up, coccooned in my own little sphere, others have been noticing, & caring, & doing what they can to help.
what i realized today on my way into work is that i'm very lucky. instead of being alone in all of this with no one to talk to, turn to, or cry to. i'm surrounded by people who love me, are willing to listen without offering advice, people who are there for me without strings, without needing repayment, without asking anything of me. & in that way i am so much luckier than many people.
& that feels so great. to know that i have so many people in my life who love me & care about me & genuinely want me to be happy. i know for some people this is a NO-DUH kind of thing. & in a way i know that i have people that if i'm in dire need of help that i can call them & they'll be there no matter the time of day, night, or windchill. but it's so unexpected to know that there are more people than i knew concerned for me.
i'd like to take the time to say thanks much to everyone who's helped me over the last couple of weeks. even if it was just exchanging text messages, playing phone tag, or one line emails. it's all really helped me get through those really tough days & helped me to finally start to see some kind of good that can come from all of this. so thanks much, everyone. i really appreciate it.
Monday, October 30, 2006
being an adult
i've come to realize that being an adult is so much more than working a full time job, getting married, buying a house, having kids, investing in a 401K, watching CNN & giving a damn, or not being carded when you buy booze. being an adult is, in a way, all of those things, but even more than that, part of it is simply knowing yourself well enough that you can learn from the mistakes of your past, listen to that voice inside your head, & ask for help when you really need it.
my mantra since i was about 13 has always been "i don't wanna grow up, 'cause baby if i did, i couldn't be a toys 'r us kid." & in many ways i don't want to grow up, i don't want to lose that playful, idealistic, completely random & whimsical person that i've been since birth. but at the same time i want to be a woman in control of my life, my destiny, & the trajectory that i take in the upcoming years.
the biggest thing is i don't want to look back from old age with regret. true enough, all of us will have some regret in our lives, but i don't want to be consumed by the ghosts of my what-ifs. i want to stand firm in the convictions of my decisions & say that yeah, i made some mistakes, but i stand by them for what they taught me about myself, others, & the greater world that i live in.
i know i'm being oblique right now, speaking in generalizations & the foggy shadows of the unsaid. but suffice to say, i'm standing at a much more than a cross roads now, i've come into a field with many possibilities & so many directions in which my life can branch off, & i need to consider the next few steps carefully. i don't want to be overly cautious & miss out on a great life adventure, but i also don't want to be reckless & find myself regretting my impatience & short sighted view.
so please say a prayer, or a chant, or just think happy thoughts for me over the next few weeks & months.
my mantra since i was about 13 has always been "i don't wanna grow up, 'cause baby if i did, i couldn't be a toys 'r us kid." & in many ways i don't want to grow up, i don't want to lose that playful, idealistic, completely random & whimsical person that i've been since birth. but at the same time i want to be a woman in control of my life, my destiny, & the trajectory that i take in the upcoming years.
the biggest thing is i don't want to look back from old age with regret. true enough, all of us will have some regret in our lives, but i don't want to be consumed by the ghosts of my what-ifs. i want to stand firm in the convictions of my decisions & say that yeah, i made some mistakes, but i stand by them for what they taught me about myself, others, & the greater world that i live in.
i know i'm being oblique right now, speaking in generalizations & the foggy shadows of the unsaid. but suffice to say, i'm standing at a much more than a cross roads now, i've come into a field with many possibilities & so many directions in which my life can branch off, & i need to consider the next few steps carefully. i don't want to be overly cautious & miss out on a great life adventure, but i also don't want to be reckless & find myself regretting my impatience & short sighted view.
so please say a prayer, or a chant, or just think happy thoughts for me over the next few weeks & months.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
it's a beckah sighting on yahoo!
so i logged onto yahoo chat for the first time last night since, well, i think there was snow on the ground, must've been before easter. & i instantly had messages pinging me all over the place. & one of the people who pinged my was the ultra-fabulous dev, my dizzy companion from burning man & the wicked awesome bay area!
& right away he sends a message, after stating it was a beckah sighting on yahoo, that it's a year until my wedding. once again, EEK! & i went on saying that my fat butt needs to get in shape so i'm not a uber fat bride come aisle day. dev then proceeds to tell me about the 5 1/2 marathons he'll be running & the full marathon next year & suggested that i start marathon-ing because it's a great way to lose weight. yeah, right. i couldn't type fast enough: "i don't run." he then chided me telling me "it's your wedding." ok, you win this one, dev.
but seriously, i totally love the fact that he cares enough about me & my health to get on my case & recommend that this fat girl run her way around the block. even though, i don't run. number one reason i don't frequent scary dark alleys: my fat tush couldn't run away from any lurking bad guys, i'd totally be worm food. & that's just not acceptable, i don't want to have my family hire the minnesota vikings to be my pallbearers. although that's an interesting image, it's still not my dream funeral.
& i'm still working on the loving myself thing. it's a super long trek, but well worth it. & sometimes it really is more about the journey than the destination. although, being a smokin' hot bride is definitely a nice destination, methihnks, but what i'll learn on my way to that point is what i'm trying to focus on now. the thought of having to lose about half my body weight is a crippling overwhelming thought, & at the exact same time it's a thrilling thought too. because once i get to that point where i can say "i weigh less than half of what i used to weigh" that will be a huge accomplishment. no pun intended this time.
my focus at this point though has to be on the short term, not even in a month or a week, but it has to be tomorrow & today & the next five minutes of my life. there's a lot of my life right now that is literally spinning out of my control, but when i can't do anything about the rest of my life, i can control me. what i say, what i do, & what i eat. that also means what i don't say, don't do, or don't eat. yin & yang, the darkness & the light. it's the balance between it all, when the silence is comfort & peace.
& right away he sends a message, after stating it was a beckah sighting on yahoo, that it's a year until my wedding. once again, EEK! & i went on saying that my fat butt needs to get in shape so i'm not a uber fat bride come aisle day. dev then proceeds to tell me about the 5 1/2 marathons he'll be running & the full marathon next year & suggested that i start marathon-ing because it's a great way to lose weight. yeah, right. i couldn't type fast enough: "i don't run." he then chided me telling me "it's your wedding." ok, you win this one, dev.
but seriously, i totally love the fact that he cares enough about me & my health to get on my case & recommend that this fat girl run her way around the block. even though, i don't run. number one reason i don't frequent scary dark alleys: my fat tush couldn't run away from any lurking bad guys, i'd totally be worm food. & that's just not acceptable, i don't want to have my family hire the minnesota vikings to be my pallbearers. although that's an interesting image, it's still not my dream funeral.
& i'm still working on the loving myself thing. it's a super long trek, but well worth it. & sometimes it really is more about the journey than the destination. although, being a smokin' hot bride is definitely a nice destination, methihnks, but what i'll learn on my way to that point is what i'm trying to focus on now. the thought of having to lose about half my body weight is a crippling overwhelming thought, & at the exact same time it's a thrilling thought too. because once i get to that point where i can say "i weigh less than half of what i used to weigh" that will be a huge accomplishment. no pun intended this time.
my focus at this point though has to be on the short term, not even in a month or a week, but it has to be tomorrow & today & the next five minutes of my life. there's a lot of my life right now that is literally spinning out of my control, but when i can't do anything about the rest of my life, i can control me. what i say, what i do, & what i eat. that also means what i don't say, don't do, or don't eat. yin & yang, the darkness & the light. it's the balance between it all, when the silence is comfort & peace.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
love me, love my mittendorfs
so i've done some soul searching, but not at the bottom of a pint of ice cream, yea me! & i've come to a realization. last year, or, more accurately, late 2004 through beginning 2005, when i was losing scads of weight, the difference was that for the first time in my life i really honest to god loved myself. i knew that i was smart, beautiful, talented, & the weight was just an external thing. just a physical thing, baby. & that's what made it possible for me to lose weight so easily. because i came to terms with my bad past, & that i couldn't do thing one about it, BUT i could change my destiny!
ok, i'll wait for you to barf. done?
but really, it all comes down to self love, self respect, & realizing that you really are worth it. it's been said too many times, but really, if you want someone to love you, you must first love yourself. luckily for me, jack is a total sweet heart who has stayed with me through my self doubt & self hatred, & he still reassures me that he loves me & that i'm beautiful. he'll even randomly tell me that "you're so much hotter than this chick i saw...." ok, that one does make me feel bad for whoever this random chick may be, but makes me feel good too that he's still hot for my [jiggly] bod.
so with the wedding ticker down to 51 weeks i'm starting a new diet. the "i love me, i'm worth it, & i really don't want that stickin snickers bar" diet. like the name? it's all mine baby. ok, not my best work, but it's a start.
ok, i'll wait for you to barf. done?
but really, it all comes down to self love, self respect, & realizing that you really are worth it. it's been said too many times, but really, if you want someone to love you, you must first love yourself. luckily for me, jack is a total sweet heart who has stayed with me through my self doubt & self hatred, & he still reassures me that he loves me & that i'm beautiful. he'll even randomly tell me that "you're so much hotter than this chick i saw...." ok, that one does make me feel bad for whoever this random chick may be, but makes me feel good too that he's still hot for my [jiggly] bod.
so with the wedding ticker down to 51 weeks i'm starting a new diet. the "i love me, i'm worth it, & i really don't want that stickin snickers bar" diet. like the name? it's all mine baby. ok, not my best work, but it's a start.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)