granted, yes, for some people with an eating disorder they need to stay far far away from scales because it's detrimental to them. for me my problems with eating are more closely tied to my emotions rather than a number on the scale. although a number on the scale can upset me, as it can to many people, it's not enough to send me running for the kitchen in search of something to gnaw on.
i know it can seem somewhat contradictory. but i need to be able to keep track of my weight and i do want to keep losing weight. for me i want to get to a healthy weight. right now i'm still technically "obese" according to the medical charts. my first goal is to become overweight. yes. my goal is to become overweight. but when you're starting at obese it's a goal that makes sense. once i get to 174 pounds then i'll merely be overweight. yippee! my last weigh in and i was just shy of that goal. i know, weight loss is a slippery little bugger. and especially for women things can sway dramatically based on water retention and the like. but i'm keeping tabs on what i'm doing.
at work i have started taking the stairs. up to the fifth floor each day. and when i have to go to the bathroom i walk down to the first floor, use the bathroom there, and then back up again. yeah, it's a little thing, but i feel like the more little things i do the more they will add up for me. i really want to get in the routine of getting 10,000 steps a day. some days are better than others. i think the last time i got to that many steps was a few days ago. right now i'm at 4,357. getting the steps in during a normal work day can be a challenge to say the least. but i'm happy with the challenges i'm facing lately. and i feel as though i'm meeting them with dignity and grace.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Friday, August 06, 2010
Saturday, August 16, 2008
intimate details part five: the writer six months out of bariatric surgery
well boys & girls i'm officially six months out from my gastric bypass. well, to be technical six months and 5 days, but close enough. i haven't done a down & dirty update on that in a while, so it's about time for me to do that.
believe it or not the inappropriate/rude/way too personal questions still have not stopped. but, i almost decked someone for the first time in regards to this issue. when i decided to get surgery i knew i'd be in for a lot of questions & curiosity. i resigned myself to that & accepted it before i had the OK that my insurance would pay for it. the questions have pretty much died off. people still ask me how much weight i've lost, or how many sizes i've gone down. & that's ok with me. it's natural for people to want to know that. i also often get asked about my eating habits, what i can & can't have (look below for more on that). that's cool with me too.
what i'm not cool with is what happened to me on fourth of july, which also happens to be my best friend tina's birthday. i was over at her parents' house for her party, just like i've been doing since, oh, i don't know, i was like fifteen. i was wearing some capris & a tshirt. i was dressed for the weather. now, here's the thing. with such a rapid weight loss you get loose skin. it's a reality. & i was prepared for it. am i happy about it? fuck no! but, dealing with that for a while until i can get cosmetic surgery is most definitely worth the added years to my life & the increased quality of the years. i'm not stupid. i know my upper arms look like hell because they're really saggy & droopy from the loose skin. i'm not a moron. that being said: at tina's birthday party her aunt marie says to me: "so what are you doing about your arms?"
i almost punched her. really. it's a good thing that #1 i was about four feet away #2 i love tina too much to be banned from her party's for eternity (although, i think secretly most of her family would be cheering me on that i had done what everyone's wanted to do for years) & #3 a higher power basically stopped all motor functions in my body long enough for me to realize punching marie would solve nothing. who the fuck says that? i mean seriously. the woman is on the top of my shit list. & i'm really glad i won't have to see her until next july. maybe by then i'll have cooled off. {she also said some really nasty/inappropriate things to my sister at my nephew lucas' 1st birthday party which i had to skip because i was sick...my sister is a bloody SAINT for not knocking marie's block off at that party. but, mark my words, next july the gloves are off. so she better watch her mouth around me. cause if i don't hit her i'll at least cuss her out using language that'd make davy jones himself blush.}
enough about marie. she's socially inappropriate.
yesterday i had my six month follow up with my internal medicine doctor & my dietitian at HCMC. then on the 27th of august i'll be back in to see my bariatric surgeon. at the hospital they officially recorded my weight as 177.7; that means that i have a BMI of 30.0, a total weight loss since i started the program of 98.3 lbs, & an overall loss of 69% of my excess weight. not too shabby. i did make it a point of telling christine, my dietitian, that i think their scale is off because i was five pounds less when i weighed in at home that morning, and four pounds less two days before when i was at park nic to see my regular doctor. she said she's heard it a lot, but they calibrate the scale regularly & it's dead on. i chalk it up to a change in the gravitational pull on 8th street in downtown minneapolis.
my appointment with dr hartley (internal med) went well. my blood pressure is great. since the exploratory surgery i haven't had any of the sharp pains. so he took a six month picture of me, said to come back in february for my one year visit & sent me on my merry way. thankfully without any blood draws! i am getting better at having my blood drawn, but i'll never be a big donor, or, donor at all, to the red cross. & fuck if i'll ever sell plasma. much too queasy.
overall the appointment with christine went well. she wants me to take a B complex vitamin. she thinks it'll help with my energy levels. she also wants me to stop taking tums for my calcium & start taking a calcium citrate. i also need to be better about drinking my protein drinks & making sure that i get enough fluids, i'm still struggling with dehydration. it's really hard because even though i'm six months out of gastric bypass, i'm only nine weeks out of my second surgery. & the exploratory put me back to about square three. after that i had the nausea again, trouble eating, weakness...the whole kit 'n kaboodle.
i've been struggling since yesterday whether or not to blog about this next part. i've told a couple of my friends & sworn them each to secrecy on it. but i think i should blog about it. i'm really upfront in my blog about the most intimate details of my life, so why not this? when i was talking to christine i told her that i hate food. i hate dealing with it, thinking about it. basically everything. i also told her that by the time i had the gastric bypass surgery i had been fed up with dealing with food. she said it may be because i've been having such a rough go of it since the surgery, & then having to had a second surgery, my poor body has been through quite a bit in the last six months. some problems are expected.
but it also concerned her. it concerned her to the point that she asked me "am i going to have to refer you to an eating disorder program?" her tone was light when she said it, almost half joking, but there was a seriousness behind her eyes & the statement. i did protest that i didn't have an eating disorder. she then went on to tell me that it is fairly common for people post bariatric surgery to develop an eating disorder & it's nothing to be ashamed of. but, gang, the truth is, i've sorta wondered it myself. i've even kinda joked about it with my friends. but it's nothing to joke about at all.
if it was possible i would not deal with food at all. if i could just take some vitamins & drink some milk or a supplement with the right amount of calories i'd do that & stop thinking about food all together. i spend much too much time obsessing about food. & that's really the only way to describe it is obsess. part of it is a lot of things do make me sick. i don't handle chicken very well unless it is very moist. sometimes mashed potatoes don't digest well. & some days something i was able to eat the day before with no problem will make me sick as a dog. i can't have juice or anything with too much sugar. but i agonize about food. sometimes i'll get paralyzed just having to decide what i'm going to eat. i do enjoy cooking for E & going out to eat with him (& my family & friends). but i think that's about the socialization & not the eating.
is all this normal because of how hard my recovery has been? maybe it'll all even out over the next few months. i'm set to go back to see christine again in mid-december. she did give me some information on a program in the twin cities that is supposed to be good. it's called the emily program. she didn't refer me or even say that i need to go. but she gave me the information including the name of one of the doctors there that she's worked with.
she suggested that i think about it & maybe check it out. this is scary. it's fucking petrifying. but, i guess it's also maybe a good sign that i'm open to listen? that i'm brave enough to put it out here on my blog where anyone can find it (& i mean anyone, if my mom or other family members are nosy enough they can google my name & find this blog)?
my plan? i have no idea. well, not exactly no idea. i decided i'm going to start attending the monthly support group meetings at HCMC. when i go into work on monday i'm going to put it on the calendar that i need to leave by 3:30pm on the third wednesday of every month. then i won't have any excuse at all not to go. in addition to that i'm going to start paying more attention. what really is my relationship with food? do i hate it because things have been tough over the past few months, or is it something more than that? i know that i need more time to process all of this & figure out my next step. if i have a problem i want to get help now before it gets totally out of control. i've thought about waiting until december & see what happens. but i may not wait that long. i'm contemplating calling my mental health vendor next week to see what my outpatient benefits are, specifically if i need a referral & if my medical out of pocket applies to that. i mean, i have met my out of pocket for this year, so if i'm going to seek therapy i may as well do it now while i don't have to pay anything out of pocket instead of waiting til next year when it resets. (can you tell i work in health insurance? how many people did i just lose with that yammering?)
i've said it before & i'll continue saying it. gastric bypass has been the most challenging thing in my life. previously it was burning man. this has blown burning man out of the water. the question has been asked before & i know it'll be asked again now: do i regret the surgery? would i change it if i could? hell no. not in a million years. even with the pain, the nausea, the complications, the exploratory surgery....even with the possibility that i may now have an eating disorder, i wouldn't change it. everything happens for a reason. i'm a firm believer in that, even though that is a fucking tough pill to swallow sometimes. but, in my gut i absolutely know there is a greater purpose for why things have been the way they have been for me. i don't know it now, & i may never know it exactly.
maybe it'll help me write a better story.
believe it or not the inappropriate/rude/way too personal questions still have not stopped. but, i almost decked someone for the first time in regards to this issue. when i decided to get surgery i knew i'd be in for a lot of questions & curiosity. i resigned myself to that & accepted it before i had the OK that my insurance would pay for it. the questions have pretty much died off. people still ask me how much weight i've lost, or how many sizes i've gone down. & that's ok with me. it's natural for people to want to know that. i also often get asked about my eating habits, what i can & can't have (look below for more on that). that's cool with me too.
what i'm not cool with is what happened to me on fourth of july, which also happens to be my best friend tina's birthday. i was over at her parents' house for her party, just like i've been doing since, oh, i don't know, i was like fifteen. i was wearing some capris & a tshirt. i was dressed for the weather. now, here's the thing. with such a rapid weight loss you get loose skin. it's a reality. & i was prepared for it. am i happy about it? fuck no! but, dealing with that for a while until i can get cosmetic surgery is most definitely worth the added years to my life & the increased quality of the years. i'm not stupid. i know my upper arms look like hell because they're really saggy & droopy from the loose skin. i'm not a moron. that being said: at tina's birthday party her aunt marie says to me: "so what are you doing about your arms?"
i almost punched her. really. it's a good thing that #1 i was about four feet away #2 i love tina too much to be banned from her party's for eternity (although, i think secretly most of her family would be cheering me on that i had done what everyone's wanted to do for years) & #3 a higher power basically stopped all motor functions in my body long enough for me to realize punching marie would solve nothing. who the fuck says that? i mean seriously. the woman is on the top of my shit list. & i'm really glad i won't have to see her until next july. maybe by then i'll have cooled off. {she also said some really nasty/inappropriate things to my sister at my nephew lucas' 1st birthday party which i had to skip because i was sick...my sister is a bloody SAINT for not knocking marie's block off at that party. but, mark my words, next july the gloves are off. so she better watch her mouth around me. cause if i don't hit her i'll at least cuss her out using language that'd make davy jones himself blush.}
enough about marie. she's socially inappropriate.
yesterday i had my six month follow up with my internal medicine doctor & my dietitian at HCMC. then on the 27th of august i'll be back in to see my bariatric surgeon. at the hospital they officially recorded my weight as 177.7; that means that i have a BMI of 30.0, a total weight loss since i started the program of 98.3 lbs, & an overall loss of 69% of my excess weight. not too shabby. i did make it a point of telling christine, my dietitian, that i think their scale is off because i was five pounds less when i weighed in at home that morning, and four pounds less two days before when i was at park nic to see my regular doctor. she said she's heard it a lot, but they calibrate the scale regularly & it's dead on. i chalk it up to a change in the gravitational pull on 8th street in downtown minneapolis.
my appointment with dr hartley (internal med) went well. my blood pressure is great. since the exploratory surgery i haven't had any of the sharp pains. so he took a six month picture of me, said to come back in february for my one year visit & sent me on my merry way. thankfully without any blood draws! i am getting better at having my blood drawn, but i'll never be a big donor, or, donor at all, to the red cross. & fuck if i'll ever sell plasma. much too queasy.
overall the appointment with christine went well. she wants me to take a B complex vitamin. she thinks it'll help with my energy levels. she also wants me to stop taking tums for my calcium & start taking a calcium citrate. i also need to be better about drinking my protein drinks & making sure that i get enough fluids, i'm still struggling with dehydration. it's really hard because even though i'm six months out of gastric bypass, i'm only nine weeks out of my second surgery. & the exploratory put me back to about square three. after that i had the nausea again, trouble eating, weakness...the whole kit 'n kaboodle.
i've been struggling since yesterday whether or not to blog about this next part. i've told a couple of my friends & sworn them each to secrecy on it. but i think i should blog about it. i'm really upfront in my blog about the most intimate details of my life, so why not this? when i was talking to christine i told her that i hate food. i hate dealing with it, thinking about it. basically everything. i also told her that by the time i had the gastric bypass surgery i had been fed up with dealing with food. she said it may be because i've been having such a rough go of it since the surgery, & then having to had a second surgery, my poor body has been through quite a bit in the last six months. some problems are expected.
but it also concerned her. it concerned her to the point that she asked me "am i going to have to refer you to an eating disorder program?" her tone was light when she said it, almost half joking, but there was a seriousness behind her eyes & the statement. i did protest that i didn't have an eating disorder. she then went on to tell me that it is fairly common for people post bariatric surgery to develop an eating disorder & it's nothing to be ashamed of. but, gang, the truth is, i've sorta wondered it myself. i've even kinda joked about it with my friends. but it's nothing to joke about at all.
if it was possible i would not deal with food at all. if i could just take some vitamins & drink some milk or a supplement with the right amount of calories i'd do that & stop thinking about food all together. i spend much too much time obsessing about food. & that's really the only way to describe it is obsess. part of it is a lot of things do make me sick. i don't handle chicken very well unless it is very moist. sometimes mashed potatoes don't digest well. & some days something i was able to eat the day before with no problem will make me sick as a dog. i can't have juice or anything with too much sugar. but i agonize about food. sometimes i'll get paralyzed just having to decide what i'm going to eat. i do enjoy cooking for E & going out to eat with him (& my family & friends). but i think that's about the socialization & not the eating.
is all this normal because of how hard my recovery has been? maybe it'll all even out over the next few months. i'm set to go back to see christine again in mid-december. she did give me some information on a program in the twin cities that is supposed to be good. it's called the emily program. she didn't refer me or even say that i need to go. but she gave me the information including the name of one of the doctors there that she's worked with.
she suggested that i think about it & maybe check it out. this is scary. it's fucking petrifying. but, i guess it's also maybe a good sign that i'm open to listen? that i'm brave enough to put it out here on my blog where anyone can find it (& i mean anyone, if my mom or other family members are nosy enough they can google my name & find this blog)?
my plan? i have no idea. well, not exactly no idea. i decided i'm going to start attending the monthly support group meetings at HCMC. when i go into work on monday i'm going to put it on the calendar that i need to leave by 3:30pm on the third wednesday of every month. then i won't have any excuse at all not to go. in addition to that i'm going to start paying more attention. what really is my relationship with food? do i hate it because things have been tough over the past few months, or is it something more than that? i know that i need more time to process all of this & figure out my next step. if i have a problem i want to get help now before it gets totally out of control. i've thought about waiting until december & see what happens. but i may not wait that long. i'm contemplating calling my mental health vendor next week to see what my outpatient benefits are, specifically if i need a referral & if my medical out of pocket applies to that. i mean, i have met my out of pocket for this year, so if i'm going to seek therapy i may as well do it now while i don't have to pay anything out of pocket instead of waiting til next year when it resets. (can you tell i work in health insurance? how many people did i just lose with that yammering?)
i've said it before & i'll continue saying it. gastric bypass has been the most challenging thing in my life. previously it was burning man. this has blown burning man out of the water. the question has been asked before & i know it'll be asked again now: do i regret the surgery? would i change it if i could? hell no. not in a million years. even with the pain, the nausea, the complications, the exploratory surgery....even with the possibility that i may now have an eating disorder, i wouldn't change it. everything happens for a reason. i'm a firm believer in that, even though that is a fucking tough pill to swallow sometimes. but, in my gut i absolutely know there is a greater purpose for why things have been the way they have been for me. i don't know it now, & i may never know it exactly.
maybe it'll help me write a better story.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
weight update
i need to bitch about my weight more often on here! i wrote the blog complaining that i couldn't break through to under 180 & then it happened, the very next day! yesterday morning when i stepped on the scale it read 179.4. i even hopped off it, then hopped back on to see it again (& take a picture because i really AM that much of a geek!) it was last week or so that i had stepped on the scale saw 179 something & then got the camera & then i was back up into 180.X, yeah, that was a kick in the teeth. & then i bounced all over the low 180's for days. but the 179.4 stuck. even though i got on & off the scale five times. that's not an exaggeration, i really did that just to see if it would stay in the 179 range.
i do have the photographic proof that i was in the 179's for a while. & this morning i was still in the 179 range, 179.8, but still under 180! i thought i would have more of an epiphany or a wow moment once i got to under 180. the last time i weighed 180 i was 14 years old, probably a few inches shorter than i am now, & definitely wearing bigger clothes. i now weigh less than i did in 8th grade. how can that not make me cry or mist up even a little? maybe because i'm still in this unreal phase. it all seems to be some kind of dream, or some kind of odd reality that i still have not adjusted to yet.
i'm about 18 or 19 pounds away from losing half of my body weight since my highest weight. i had really wanted to do it all on my own. but i'm not ashamed of the fact that i needed help. i did as much as i really could before i reached out. some of my friends have asked me if i wished i would've done this back in 2007 when i first started the process. & i'm really glad that i did wait until 2008. i wasn't ready back in the spring/summer of 2007 when i went in for my surgical consult. but this time i was ready.
& it's exciting to be in this new virgin weight territory. kind of a mini adventure. i'm excited to see where this all goes. it's also weird because even though my back has been hurting me really really badly for over a week now, suddenly monday evening/tuesday morning it was like i got a sudden burst of energy. i don't feel the same tiredness & lethargy that i had experienced ever since my surgery on february 11th. almost like i was covered in a blanket & someone lifted it off me. maybe because it's now been over five months since my surgery. maybe because i've lost such a considerable amount of weight. maybe a combination of all of them & something else. but it's very cool.
i do have the photographic proof that i was in the 179's for a while. & this morning i was still in the 179 range, 179.8, but still under 180! i thought i would have more of an epiphany or a wow moment once i got to under 180. the last time i weighed 180 i was 14 years old, probably a few inches shorter than i am now, & definitely wearing bigger clothes. i now weigh less than i did in 8th grade. how can that not make me cry or mist up even a little? maybe because i'm still in this unreal phase. it all seems to be some kind of dream, or some kind of odd reality that i still have not adjusted to yet.i'm about 18 or 19 pounds away from losing half of my body weight since my highest weight. i had really wanted to do it all on my own. but i'm not ashamed of the fact that i needed help. i did as much as i really could before i reached out. some of my friends have asked me if i wished i would've done this back in 2007 when i first started the process. & i'm really glad that i did wait until 2008. i wasn't ready back in the spring/summer of 2007 when i went in for my surgical consult. but this time i was ready.
& it's exciting to be in this new virgin weight territory. kind of a mini adventure. i'm excited to see where this all goes. it's also weird because even though my back has been hurting me really really badly for over a week now, suddenly monday evening/tuesday morning it was like i got a sudden burst of energy. i don't feel the same tiredness & lethargy that i had experienced ever since my surgery on february 11th. almost like i was covered in a blanket & someone lifted it off me. maybe because it's now been over five months since my surgery. maybe because i've lost such a considerable amount of weight. maybe a combination of all of them & something else. but it's very cool.
Monday, July 14, 2008
what's normal?
weighing in around 181 lately. which is frustrating beyond belief to me because i want to be in the 170's so bad. the only weight i remember being under 200 lbs was 180. & that was when i was 14 & in eighth grade. so once lately at work the comment i get most often is "you're shrinking away into nothing" or "you're just disappearing" or something of that ilk. basically telling me i'm getting way to skinny. once i'm into the 170's firmly it's going to be huge for me. it'll be "virgin weight territory" for me.
i'll admit i haven't been to the gym. the last time i was there was before my exploratory surgery, the day before my ER visit actually. i did get the medical okie-dokie to go ahead with any activity i want, just to go slowly. so i'm not supposed to immediately go to hard core weight lifting when i've done pretty much nothing since january, which is, of course, a DUH statement. i know once i get back to the gym, even if it's just walking for 30 minutes every other day that's going to help push my body out of this little plateau i seem to be stuck in. i also am anxious to start weight lifting again & really get back to my pilates & yoga. i'm also currently in the middle of a fucking wicked back injury, so that blows pretty hard core :( just sleeping, working, or being conscious is pretty painful, so i'm still not going back to the gym quite yet. & unfortunately back injuries just take time & pampering to really get better.
my long range plan is to do yoga or pilates every morning before work, & then do weight lifting after work. & by long range i mean i'm hoping to be to that level of activity by the end of july 2009. i used to work out twice a day for a total of 2-4 hours a day, & that was a combination of weight lifting/cardio in the form of the firm videos & then also pilates. i won't be going back to 4 hours a day of working out just because i have work, my ratties, my ferrets, a boyfriend, family, friends, & my writing, all of which i'm trying to balance & give each one enough time without shorting any of them.
looking & i told her that most days when people say i look thin that i want to respond with "yeah, so friday afternoon i met with my thesis advisor, deborah, & she was telling me how good i'mi'm thinner than the fat girl i used to be, but i'm still frickin big." & she said that i'm not big at all, that from her point of view i look "normal." so what is normal? i thought i heard recently that the average american woman wears a size 14. which, i'm still bigger than that. my shirts are around a size 12 (men's medium or ladies large) & most of my jeans are a 16, but those are kinda getting big on me right now. so i guess if i'm almost a size 14 then i'm nearing the size of the average american woman, but that does also take into account that there are people who are a tiny size 0 & then there are people who are a lot bigger.
my body perception is so bizarre lately. when i lay on my side my hip bones jut out a bit, even though i have plenty of flab on my thighs, belly, arms....pretty much all over. & now my rib cage is fairly prominent, same with my shoulder blades. my wrists are tiny enough that when i work at the group home i carry clothes to the residents rooms by hanging the hangers off my wrists while grabbing all the folded items in my arms. but then i can't wear my doc martin knee boots because my calves are still pretty chunky....which totally blows that i can use my wrists as a clothes bar but can't wear my knee boots. how is that even remotely fair?
according to the BMI charts that so lovingly grace the walls of every single fucking doctor's office a person walks into, i am still obese. at 181 lbs, wearing about a 14/16 & nearing what is the average size of the american woman, i'm still obese. i won't be "overweight" until i'm 174 lbs. it would be 179 if i was 5'5", but being a really short girl at 5'4 1/4" it's more like 174-ish. i know it's all just numbers not based on any kind of physical reality of a person, but still, thos numbers can matter. if, for instance, i needed to buy some life insurance, that's part of the calculation. it blows, but it is. according to the BMI chart i won't be a "normal" weight until i'm 145 lbs. it does make me wonder though, since i can feel certain bones jutting out pretty regularily now, how would i look at 145? or if i make it down to the 133 that HCMC deemed to be my ideal weight (had i never been fat).
once i reach the elusive 179 my next goal that i'll be striving towards is 161.5. once i reach that weight then i will have lost, since my highest weight, officially half my body weight. i do have some pics from when i was alot bigger. the ones i have on my computer are all hovering around 290 or so, i'd have to search through old pics at my parents' to see if i can find a picture of me around my highest weight. but i should put something up soon. i don't even have a recent picture of myself to put up. but, i'm getting my hair done on tuesday evening, so maybe i'll have my stylist take a picture of me. i'll need to remember to wear something ultra cute that day.
but back to the blog title: what IS normal? for weight, for size, for all of it. i really don't know anymore.
update (7/14/8): here is a pic from my birthday. my brother was just snapping random pics with my digital cam & i didn't know he was taking it, & i'm not super psyched about it, but here it is for now.
i'll admit i haven't been to the gym. the last time i was there was before my exploratory surgery, the day before my ER visit actually. i did get the medical okie-dokie to go ahead with any activity i want, just to go slowly. so i'm not supposed to immediately go to hard core weight lifting when i've done pretty much nothing since january, which is, of course, a DUH statement. i know once i get back to the gym, even if it's just walking for 30 minutes every other day that's going to help push my body out of this little plateau i seem to be stuck in. i also am anxious to start weight lifting again & really get back to my pilates & yoga. i'm also currently in the middle of a fucking wicked back injury, so that blows pretty hard core :( just sleeping, working, or being conscious is pretty painful, so i'm still not going back to the gym quite yet. & unfortunately back injuries just take time & pampering to really get better.
my long range plan is to do yoga or pilates every morning before work, & then do weight lifting after work. & by long range i mean i'm hoping to be to that level of activity by the end of july 2009. i used to work out twice a day for a total of 2-4 hours a day, & that was a combination of weight lifting/cardio in the form of the firm videos & then also pilates. i won't be going back to 4 hours a day of working out just because i have work, my ratties, my ferrets, a boyfriend, family, friends, & my writing, all of which i'm trying to balance & give each one enough time without shorting any of them.
looking & i told her that most days when people say i look thin that i want to respond with "yeah, so friday afternoon i met with my thesis advisor, deborah, & she was telling me how good i'mi'm thinner than the fat girl i used to be, but i'm still frickin big." & she said that i'm not big at all, that from her point of view i look "normal." so what is normal? i thought i heard recently that the average american woman wears a size 14. which, i'm still bigger than that. my shirts are around a size 12 (men's medium or ladies large) & most of my jeans are a 16, but those are kinda getting big on me right now. so i guess if i'm almost a size 14 then i'm nearing the size of the average american woman, but that does also take into account that there are people who are a tiny size 0 & then there are people who are a lot bigger.
my body perception is so bizarre lately. when i lay on my side my hip bones jut out a bit, even though i have plenty of flab on my thighs, belly, arms....pretty much all over. & now my rib cage is fairly prominent, same with my shoulder blades. my wrists are tiny enough that when i work at the group home i carry clothes to the residents rooms by hanging the hangers off my wrists while grabbing all the folded items in my arms. but then i can't wear my doc martin knee boots because my calves are still pretty chunky....which totally blows that i can use my wrists as a clothes bar but can't wear my knee boots. how is that even remotely fair?
according to the BMI charts that so lovingly grace the walls of every single fucking doctor's office a person walks into, i am still obese. at 181 lbs, wearing about a 14/16 & nearing what is the average size of the american woman, i'm still obese. i won't be "overweight" until i'm 174 lbs. it would be 179 if i was 5'5", but being a really short girl at 5'4 1/4" it's more like 174-ish. i know it's all just numbers not based on any kind of physical reality of a person, but still, thos numbers can matter. if, for instance, i needed to buy some life insurance, that's part of the calculation. it blows, but it is. according to the BMI chart i won't be a "normal" weight until i'm 145 lbs. it does make me wonder though, since i can feel certain bones jutting out pretty regularily now, how would i look at 145? or if i make it down to the 133 that HCMC deemed to be my ideal weight (had i never been fat).
once i reach the elusive 179 my next goal that i'll be striving towards is 161.5. once i reach that weight then i will have lost, since my highest weight, officially half my body weight. i do have some pics from when i was alot bigger. the ones i have on my computer are all hovering around 290 or so, i'd have to search through old pics at my parents' to see if i can find a picture of me around my highest weight. but i should put something up soon. i don't even have a recent picture of myself to put up. but, i'm getting my hair done on tuesday evening, so maybe i'll have my stylist take a picture of me. i'll need to remember to wear something ultra cute that day.
but back to the blog title: what IS normal? for weight, for size, for all of it. i really don't know anymore.
update (7/14/8): here is a pic from my birthday. my brother was just snapping random pics with my digital cam & i didn't know he was taking it, & i'm not super psyched about it, but here it is for now.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
pictures & updates
first off i'd like to say: this is the 300th post to my blog! yippee! break out the suger-free gum & celebrate.
recently pensive pearl asked for some updated pictures. the first picture is me & my dad back in october when we were in connecticut for my sister's wedding. it's not a fabulous picture of either one of us, but it'll do. the second picture was taken last night after i got my hair cut. in the second picture i'm wearing my old glasses, not quite sure why i put them on yesterday, & my stylist always does my hair as if i'm living in the 80's, but it's as new as possible.
as for my weight, this morning i weighed in at 218.8. it's very surreal to me at this point. i still can't believe it, i don't really feel it, & i don't really see it when i look in the mirror. but other people are seeing it so i have to start believing it pretty soon.
recently pensive pearl asked for some updated pictures. the first picture is me & my dad back in october when we were in connecticut for my sister's wedding. it's not a fabulous picture of either one of us, but it'll do. the second picture was taken last night after i got my hair cut. in the second picture i'm wearing my old glasses, not quite sure why i put them on yesterday, & my stylist always does my hair as if i'm living in the 80's, but it's as new as possible.
as for my weight, this morning i weighed in at 218.8. it's very surreal to me at this point. i still can't believe it, i don't really feel it, & i don't really see it when i look in the mirror. but other people are seeing it so i have to start believing it pretty soon.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
body check
after thinking about the reality of how much weight i've lost & after seeing jenn & crystal yesterday i started thinking about the differences that have been happening in my body. many of my clothes i still don't notice a huge difference in how they feel, but there are a few of my clothes, mainly shirts, that are becoming looser. i've also come to grips with the fact that i did previously wear most to all of my clothes pretty tight. not obscenely tight or anything, but i do lean towards fitted clothes when given a choice. i kinda think that comes from years of poor self image coupled with feeling like the ugly duckling with no chance of turning into a swan (i spent years wearing baggy clothes before they were made popular by rap) & then waking up one day & realizing i'm one sexy bi-atch & i shouldn't hide behind over-sized clothes.
one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.
my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.
there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.
it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.
one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.
my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.
there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.
it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
happy independance day
ok, so it's july 3rd & not the 4th. but this is a different kind of Independence day for me, that just so happens to fall around the Independence day of our country. for me, today is the day that i can FINALLY dump TFF's (The Former Fiance) cell phone off my verizon plan. we broke up in december, coincidentally just about two weeks after he lost the damn phone. but because i had put him on my account as a second phone, i still had another six months left of his plan before i could give his phone number an adios & fare-thee-well from my cell phone plan. which, yes, did totally suck. & then, because he had lost the damn phone, i had the account on hold for 30days so no one could find the a fore mentioned damn phone & charge calls to guam on my account. which pushed the date from june 3rd, to july 3rd, for me to be able to call verizon & get the number dropped once & for all.
this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.
it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.
but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.
i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:
The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.
& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.
it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.
so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.
this comes right on the heels of me getting my new digs. oh-yeah.
it's interesting. a year ago i was still planning a wedding for this upcoming saturday (7-7-7). it's funny in that every time someone hears that i WAS engaged & i called off the wedding they say how sorry they are & give me this pity look like "oh, i feel so uncomfortable, you poor girl!" but i always respond with "please, don't feel bad, i'm SO much happier now" & it's not in anyway a lie or bravado, i am really, honestly, TRULY so much happier now that i've called off the wedding & broken things off completely with TFF. i do wish he would still pay me back some of the SEVERAL thousand dollars he owes me, but if i never get it, well, it's his bad karma for eff-ing me over, not mine. & he's the one that looks like an a-hole.
but enough of that BS from the past. it's almost like a new year for me, a rebirth of sorts. i'm in a fresh place with lots of possibilities spread before me. i'm losing weight again. dev & i are being each other's long distance accountabilibuddies, & then i have jenn here as my local accountabilibuddy to kick my butt, make me go to the gym, & keep me from indulging too much in the many potlucks here at work. i feel like i've been able to shed some of the things from the past that were weighing me down. i feel like i'll be able to write again.
i feel like i'm shedding my old life, a skin that was suffocating me in other people's problems, issues, guilt, responsibility, & obligations. i was born in 1977, the year of the snake on the chinese zodiac:
The Year Of The Snake
People born in the Year of the Snake are deep. They say little and possess great wisdom. They never have to worry about money; they are financially fortunate. Snake people are often quite vain, selfish, and a bit stingy. Yet they have tremendous sympathy for others and try to help those less fortunate. Snake people tend to overdo, since they have doubts about other people's judgment and prefer to rely on themselves. They are determined in whatever they do and hate to fail. Although calm on the surface, they are intense and passionate. Snake people are usually good-looking and sometimes have marital problems because they are fickle. They are most compatible with the Ox and Rooster.
& it seems very fitting to me that, like a snake, i am shedding the skin of my old life, to emerge, changed, grown, & ready to continue on to my next adventure.
it's been a long strange trip thus far. & for people that have known me since the summer of burning man, it probably all seems very circular. i came back from my desert odyssey with much the same out look that i have now. uber motivated & very hopeful for my future. sure that not only were great things ahead, but that i would be doing great things. granted, i did lose almost three years of my life in this little detour that i took. but i learned a lot about myself, had a few lessons reinforced, & i feel like i've come out the other side an even stronger person. i'm more motivated now than i was right after burning man. i am more convinced than ever that i truly hold my destiny in my own hot little hands. & i'm more than ever convinced of what sinead said about me october of 2004, "She's brilliant, funny, a loyal friend, a rock in difficult times, and a wonderful woman who is becoming a force :-)" it's the last part that i was mostly thinking of. & i like that idea, of being a force. reminds me of a tempest.
so i'm a tempest. cool. i like it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
it's like a bad 80's movie
i was going to name this blog "say goodbye to hollywood" but that wasn't quite right. & then i thought about just "say goodbye" but i think i did that one. so instead, i'll pull on the collective memories of 80's movie complete with perms, leg warmers, teased hair, t-top trans-ams, inspirational song tracks, & a montage. yeah, gotta have a montage.
last week jenn & i got some semi devastating news: riley got a new job. i mean, ok yeah for him, if he really thinks he needs to work full time & get benefits. but it means he'll be moving to another Y. & at first it appeared that perhaps he'd be able to continue to train jenn & myself, but alas, he only has a couple of weeks that he's allowed to do that, & then, if we want to continue to train with him we'll need to make the trek up 169 from minnetonka to coon rapids during rush hour traffic. yeah. right. about that. not gonna happen.
while i /heart riley as a trainer, i just don't have the dedecation to him to travel that highway to hell. for anyone who doesn't live in minnesota & is not familiar with 169 i'll explain. 169 is basically hell on earth in general, but especially from the hours of 3pm to 7pm monday through friday. which leaves me trainer-less.
*tear*
i'm now a gym orphan. well, ok, jenn & i are now gym orphans. we just started to get our balance in this whole weight training thing & our options are: a) find a new trainer or b) try to go it alone. both are unequivocally scary for their own reasons. after about three months with riley i feel like we finally found our stride. he knows us, he gets our jokes. ok, he doesn't ALWAYS get our jokes, but about 96% of the time he's right there with us & he isn't even uncomfortable when i make fat girl jokes.
like today when he was stretching out jenn & i's lower legs he said "you girls have some loose hammies"
& i said "mmm...ham, i'm hungry."
& jenn shot in with "never doubt a fat girl to bring ham into the equation."
so i'm not super excited about the thought of having to break in a new trainer. i mean, it's taken us the majority of the past three months to properly break in riley. so that leaves option b, going this alone. & while jenn & i have both had success in the past with losing weight on our own, but then again, neither of us is a size 0 skeleton wannabe. i'm still too fat to be a plus size model. at least according to twiggy & tyra.
there are definite bonuses to going it alone, the first being we'd each be saving $70 bucks a week, which means i could use that to put in my savings, or pay extra on bills, that would be an extra $280 a month i'd have to do something else with! & let's face it, i'm still kinda a broke ass hoe cause i'm working two jobs & going to school & still trying to live that big dream, so 280 is a whole lotta scratch for me. in a way i can't believe i've been shelling that out & not even cringing, must be because we pay each week.
i am still pretty worried though that i'm going to *twump* fall flat on my face & fail. again. my friend dev suggested that jenn & i make a pact that if one of us punks out on gym time then they owe the other one 20 bucks, which i think is a great idea. i'm not sure yet how miss jenn feels & if we'll be doing that or not. but it's an idea. i have all kinds of "incentives" set up for myself, but it's still hard to keep motivated day after day when i'm not losing a freaking thing.
i have been in the 250's since february, bouncing all over the freaking 250's, but not able to break through down into the 240's. can i get a mother fucker? mother fucker.
maybe with jenn as my co-trainer i can break through. i hope. i really really hope. cause this blows monkey balls. seriously.
last week jenn & i got some semi devastating news: riley got a new job. i mean, ok yeah for him, if he really thinks he needs to work full time & get benefits. but it means he'll be moving to another Y. & at first it appeared that perhaps he'd be able to continue to train jenn & myself, but alas, he only has a couple of weeks that he's allowed to do that, & then, if we want to continue to train with him we'll need to make the trek up 169 from minnetonka to coon rapids during rush hour traffic. yeah. right. about that. not gonna happen.
while i /heart riley as a trainer, i just don't have the dedecation to him to travel that highway to hell. for anyone who doesn't live in minnesota & is not familiar with 169 i'll explain. 169 is basically hell on earth in general, but especially from the hours of 3pm to 7pm monday through friday. which leaves me trainer-less.
*tear*
i'm now a gym orphan. well, ok, jenn & i are now gym orphans. we just started to get our balance in this whole weight training thing & our options are: a) find a new trainer or b) try to go it alone. both are unequivocally scary for their own reasons. after about three months with riley i feel like we finally found our stride. he knows us, he gets our jokes. ok, he doesn't ALWAYS get our jokes, but about 96% of the time he's right there with us & he isn't even uncomfortable when i make fat girl jokes.
like today when he was stretching out jenn & i's lower legs he said "you girls have some loose hammies"
& i said "mmm...ham, i'm hungry."
& jenn shot in with "never doubt a fat girl to bring ham into the equation."
so i'm not super excited about the thought of having to break in a new trainer. i mean, it's taken us the majority of the past three months to properly break in riley. so that leaves option b, going this alone. & while jenn & i have both had success in the past with losing weight on our own, but then again, neither of us is a size 0 skeleton wannabe. i'm still too fat to be a plus size model. at least according to twiggy & tyra.
there are definite bonuses to going it alone, the first being we'd each be saving $70 bucks a week, which means i could use that to put in my savings, or pay extra on bills, that would be an extra $280 a month i'd have to do something else with! & let's face it, i'm still kinda a broke ass hoe cause i'm working two jobs & going to school & still trying to live that big dream, so 280 is a whole lotta scratch for me. in a way i can't believe i've been shelling that out & not even cringing, must be because we pay each week.
i am still pretty worried though that i'm going to *twump* fall flat on my face & fail. again. my friend dev suggested that jenn & i make a pact that if one of us punks out on gym time then they owe the other one 20 bucks, which i think is a great idea. i'm not sure yet how miss jenn feels & if we'll be doing that or not. but it's an idea. i have all kinds of "incentives" set up for myself, but it's still hard to keep motivated day after day when i'm not losing a freaking thing.
i have been in the 250's since february, bouncing all over the freaking 250's, but not able to break through down into the 240's. can i get a mother fucker? mother fucker.
maybe with jenn as my co-trainer i can break through. i hope. i really really hope. cause this blows monkey balls. seriously.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
how's your snuffleupagus tendon doing?
*face palm*
so, week before last i was dead dog sick. & then, monday, my talented self managed to injure my left leg. i was running downstairs at home to get my wallet to make a phone payment & my left foot hit the riser & a sharp crippling pain hit my calf & suffice to say, i was limping for the rest of the day.
monday at work i spent the day icing my leg, keeping it elevating, & wondering how the hell i was going to manage to get through the last week of the competition in order to actually lose weight & possibly win this thing. because, on monday, i was barely walking. & by barely walking, i mean i was full on limping, dragging my left leg behind me, & doing a lot of whining. the icing & the advil helped, & by tuesday morning i wasn't so sure i needed to go to urgent care. but then after going to the bathroom & walking on it a bit, i figured, the $15 copay at urgent care was worth it to see what was happening with my leg.
& it's a good thing that i did. i felt like kind of an idiot when i was explaining everything to the nurse. & she looked at me kinda like i was an idiot. &, interestingly enough, i think she was looking at me like i was drug seeking. on my file they have me down as having a script for vicodin, which i do, & was filled once, no refills, back in october, from when i found out about my back problems. & admittedly, i limped in there, told her my ankle had been bugging me all weekend, which it had, & then monday morning i was rushing down my stairs, which i was, & i put my left leg down & felt a snap & then shooting pain, (which i did, on all three).
luckily for me, it wasn't the nurse who was diagnosing me, it was a nice older gentleman, dr. d we'll call him, who also happened to have diagnosed me with bronchitis back in march of 2006. he asked me about it, felt up my calf, caused some shooting pain, wincing, & a few involuntary tears, had me walk on my tip toes & told me that i had: plantaris tendon rupture. nice, eh?
basically, the plantaris tendon is a little used muscle on the back of the leg that runs from the ankle up to the knee, about the size of a pencil. it doesn't really DO anything, but when you injure it, the stupid little guy hurts like a mofo. the only upside, is that it shouldn't take too long to heal. i was given some heavy duty anti-inflammatory meds, told to alternate ice & heat as tolerated, elevate when needed, & try to baby it a bit. but, dr. d also told me i could still work out, as much upper body as i want (yippee!) & that i could walk, just to take it a bit easy & make sure i'm not doing anything to cause it pain.
so i'm still in the running for the money, wa-hoo! the only bad thing is since i can't hit the gym as hard core as i WANTED to, i need to be perfect about my food. no indulgence's at all. which kind of sucks, but also a good thing. since i only have about two & a half months left till my birthday, i got my kickass boots in the mail on monday, &, as expected, the high boots are not *quite* fitting my calves yet. boo.
even with being on the injured list i hit the Y yesterday for personal training with riley. who gave me lots of grief since jenn & i only made it in for our training sessions once last week & once the week before. *GULP* he didn't even give me much slack being on the injured list! although, i'll give him credit that he didn't make me do the jumps. & that he did ask me a couple of times how my leg was doing. & jenn even asked me how my "plant, er, uh, snuffleupagus tendon" was doing.
after today just four more days to lose as much weight as possible to try to win this thing. & you know what gang, i do want to win it. BUT, if i can just get into the 240's i would be ecstatic. so that would be ok with me too. maybe it's possible. lots of self discipline. pushing myself as i can. yeah, i'm beating myself up a bit because in the past eleven weeks i've "cheated" more than i should've, & the only one that hurts is me. i've also not worked as hard as i can. i let myself use the excuse of being: sick, tired, pms-ing, & anything else that i thought i could get away with.
on the upside, i've been getting lots of compliments at work on looking like i've lost weight. i'm not feeling as tired as at the start of the year. & i really do feel like i'm getting stronger. which are all really awesome improvements in my health.
so, week before last i was dead dog sick. & then, monday, my talented self managed to injure my left leg. i was running downstairs at home to get my wallet to make a phone payment & my left foot hit the riser & a sharp crippling pain hit my calf & suffice to say, i was limping for the rest of the day.
monday at work i spent the day icing my leg, keeping it elevating, & wondering how the hell i was going to manage to get through the last week of the competition in order to actually lose weight & possibly win this thing. because, on monday, i was barely walking. & by barely walking, i mean i was full on limping, dragging my left leg behind me, & doing a lot of whining. the icing & the advil helped, & by tuesday morning i wasn't so sure i needed to go to urgent care. but then after going to the bathroom & walking on it a bit, i figured, the $15 copay at urgent care was worth it to see what was happening with my leg.
& it's a good thing that i did. i felt like kind of an idiot when i was explaining everything to the nurse. & she looked at me kinda like i was an idiot. &, interestingly enough, i think she was looking at me like i was drug seeking. on my file they have me down as having a script for vicodin, which i do, & was filled once, no refills, back in october, from when i found out about my back problems. & admittedly, i limped in there, told her my ankle had been bugging me all weekend, which it had, & then monday morning i was rushing down my stairs, which i was, & i put my left leg down & felt a snap & then shooting pain, (which i did, on all three).
luckily for me, it wasn't the nurse who was diagnosing me, it was a nice older gentleman, dr. d we'll call him, who also happened to have diagnosed me with bronchitis back in march of 2006. he asked me about it, felt up my calf, caused some shooting pain, wincing, & a few involuntary tears, had me walk on my tip toes & told me that i had: plantaris tendon rupture. nice, eh?
basically, the plantaris tendon is a little used muscle on the back of the leg that runs from the ankle up to the knee, about the size of a pencil. it doesn't really DO anything, but when you injure it, the stupid little guy hurts like a mofo. the only upside, is that it shouldn't take too long to heal. i was given some heavy duty anti-inflammatory meds, told to alternate ice & heat as tolerated, elevate when needed, & try to baby it a bit. but, dr. d also told me i could still work out, as much upper body as i want (yippee!) & that i could walk, just to take it a bit easy & make sure i'm not doing anything to cause it pain.
so i'm still in the running for the money, wa-hoo! the only bad thing is since i can't hit the gym as hard core as i WANTED to, i need to be perfect about my food. no indulgence's at all. which kind of sucks, but also a good thing. since i only have about two & a half months left till my birthday, i got my kickass boots in the mail on monday, &, as expected, the high boots are not *quite* fitting my calves yet. boo.
even with being on the injured list i hit the Y yesterday for personal training with riley. who gave me lots of grief since jenn & i only made it in for our training sessions once last week & once the week before. *GULP* he didn't even give me much slack being on the injured list! although, i'll give him credit that he didn't make me do the jumps. & that he did ask me a couple of times how my leg was doing. & jenn even asked me how my "plant, er, uh, snuffleupagus tendon" was doing.
after today just four more days to lose as much weight as possible to try to win this thing. & you know what gang, i do want to win it. BUT, if i can just get into the 240's i would be ecstatic. so that would be ok with me too. maybe it's possible. lots of self discipline. pushing myself as i can. yeah, i'm beating myself up a bit because in the past eleven weeks i've "cheated" more than i should've, & the only one that hurts is me. i've also not worked as hard as i can. i let myself use the excuse of being: sick, tired, pms-ing, & anything else that i thought i could get away with.
on the upside, i've been getting lots of compliments at work on looking like i've lost weight. i'm not feeling as tired as at the start of the year. & i really do feel like i'm getting stronger. which are all really awesome improvements in my health.
Friday, March 09, 2007
nuff with the procrastinating! or so i thought. . .
i really thought that today was DO OR DIE day for me when it comes to the major life altering decision of the GB. i had it in my head that i had to know for 100% sure, none of that ept (99.999% sure) crap, that i really wanted to, or not wanted to, do the surgery. & further more that if i was indeed going ahead with the surgery i had to pick which surgery before i showed up at HCMC today. &, oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, i didn't have to be to that for really sure point.
which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.
even though, i really thought that i was.
if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.
let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?
maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.
granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.
so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.
all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.
which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.
even though, i really thought that i was.
if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.
let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?
maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.
granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.
so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.
all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.
Friday, March 02, 2007
can we say avoidance boys & girls?
today was supposed to be my surgical consult at HCMC. now, originally i was supposed to go in on february 9th, but i couldn't face the decision so i pushed it back two weeks to february 23rd, then the surgeon had to cancel & move it back one week to today, & then, using the blizzard that hit the cities last night as a (somewhat lame) excuse, i cancelled my appointment for today. i'll have to call the clinic & reschedule for *possibly* next week, the 9th of march, or else i may be waiting until march 23rd to finally see the surgeon.
it is very odd, in a way. because at the start of this whole thing way back in october it looked like by this date i would be post-op & eating my post surgery foods while my body recovered from the slicey-dicey. & now, i'm training twice a week with jenn & riley, setting up a home gym, & dodging the lovely gastric bypass folks over at HCMC. & i haven't figured out yet if i'm deliberately ditching the GB folks, or if i'm just delaying making the decision because i'm afraid of making the wrong one.
as of this exact moment i've decided to go ahead & give this whole thing one last go on my own. i've been doing a lot better in the last two months than i had been in the whole last quarter of 2006. & there's a lot behind that. i think part of it is, i'm simply less stressed. i still worry about money & i still have lots of bills to pay, but i'm not freaking out as much as before. i still have to finish my thesis & i'm still not writing enough, but i feel like some of the mental cobwebs are leaving. i'm still FAT, but i'm actually losing weight now: slowly, but still losing. & i'm finally doing the things i need to do for myself to be healthy. i'm taking time to relax & think about what i want. i'm putting myself first. & i'm saying NO, a lot, & not in a mean way, but just no to all the things that will distract me, that i would only do because someone else wanted me to do, & all the things that i know will just sabotage me as i try to make myself over into the person i want to become.
i'm not saying i haven't had my rough moments in 2007, cause they have definitely been there. & i won't even try to say that i haven't had any indulgences, because i've had my fair share of chocolate delights, but i haven't had any alcohol since new year's day, a small kalua & milk when the canadia porn train stopped in flint, michigan. & i've been exercising every week, some weeks only two or three days, but still doing it. & feeling so much better, my body is getting so much stronger.
so then, since i'm doing SO well on my own, why am i afraid of going into HCMC & telling them, thanks, but no thanks? maybe it's because if i really do that, & then i fail on my own, again, i'll feel like the biggest moron on earth crawling back to them again just to start the whole process all over again. i also feel like, once i do that, go in & tell the surgeon i want one last shot on my own, that i'll be really committed to actually succeeding all on my own. & being on my own in the weight loss game is a scary thing for me.
the logical side of me says i'm not alone. i have lots of cheerleaders, my family & friends, & even some of my coworkers at both jobs. & then there's specifically jenn who makes me work out with her & gives me the evil eye if i'm eating chocolate OTHER THAN my twice a day calciums. & riley who is sweet enough to let me pay him to kick my ass from one side of the Y to the other twice a week.
it is very odd, in a way. because at the start of this whole thing way back in october it looked like by this date i would be post-op & eating my post surgery foods while my body recovered from the slicey-dicey. & now, i'm training twice a week with jenn & riley, setting up a home gym, & dodging the lovely gastric bypass folks over at HCMC. & i haven't figured out yet if i'm deliberately ditching the GB folks, or if i'm just delaying making the decision because i'm afraid of making the wrong one.
as of this exact moment i've decided to go ahead & give this whole thing one last go on my own. i've been doing a lot better in the last two months than i had been in the whole last quarter of 2006. & there's a lot behind that. i think part of it is, i'm simply less stressed. i still worry about money & i still have lots of bills to pay, but i'm not freaking out as much as before. i still have to finish my thesis & i'm still not writing enough, but i feel like some of the mental cobwebs are leaving. i'm still FAT, but i'm actually losing weight now: slowly, but still losing. & i'm finally doing the things i need to do for myself to be healthy. i'm taking time to relax & think about what i want. i'm putting myself first. & i'm saying NO, a lot, & not in a mean way, but just no to all the things that will distract me, that i would only do because someone else wanted me to do, & all the things that i know will just sabotage me as i try to make myself over into the person i want to become.
i'm not saying i haven't had my rough moments in 2007, cause they have definitely been there. & i won't even try to say that i haven't had any indulgences, because i've had my fair share of chocolate delights, but i haven't had any alcohol since new year's day, a small kalua & milk when the canadia porn train stopped in flint, michigan. & i've been exercising every week, some weeks only two or three days, but still doing it. & feeling so much better, my body is getting so much stronger.
so then, since i'm doing SO well on my own, why am i afraid of going into HCMC & telling them, thanks, but no thanks? maybe it's because if i really do that, & then i fail on my own, again, i'll feel like the biggest moron on earth crawling back to them again just to start the whole process all over again. i also feel like, once i do that, go in & tell the surgeon i want one last shot on my own, that i'll be really committed to actually succeeding all on my own. & being on my own in the weight loss game is a scary thing for me.
the logical side of me says i'm not alone. i have lots of cheerleaders, my family & friends, & even some of my coworkers at both jobs. & then there's specifically jenn who makes me work out with her & gives me the evil eye if i'm eating chocolate OTHER THAN my twice a day calciums. & riley who is sweet enough to let me pay him to kick my ass from one side of the Y to the other twice a week.
Friday, February 02, 2007
another two weeks
i bought myself another two weeks with HCMC. i called them up today & switched my surgical consult from friday february 9th, the friday february 23rd. i know two weeks may not seem like much to anyone else, but i realized today that a week from this day, that exact moment (3:53pm) i would have already had my meeting with the surgeon for my gastric bypass & he'd be well on his way to writing my letter for my insurance to get my surgery approved.
& i had a wee little panic attack.
& realized that, no matter how ready & put together the dietitian & psychologist think i am & how prepared i seem to take that leap, that i just wasn't ready for it. i know that marty definitely thinks i should go for it, as does jack. & i know that josh, while saying that it's my decision & i need to do what's right, for him the GB WAS the right decision, so i feel a bit like maybe he sorta sees that as my best option too.
as for jenn, i give her much kudos for being 100% totally non-committed. she has some people that she's very close to who've gone through the surgical weight loss, & then she also knows people who've gone the other route. she said no matter what she expects my ass at the Y with her hitting the ellipticals & such at night & getting our bi-weekly beating from riley.
rachel & tina are supportive, but neither has really given much of an opinion, which is kind of nice. two people who i don't have to worry about disappointing. they just want me to be happy & healthy.
my parents however, especially my mom, are wholly against the whole thing. just today my mom sent me an email with a link to an article in the st. paul pioneer press regarding the negative psychological effects that can come up post weight loss surgery. although, if you really read it, the article cautions that any massive weight loss will have mental effects on a person no matter how they managed to lose weight. but still, way to be supportive.
maybe it's all a sign that no matter how ready i think i am to make that leap, that i really am not at all ready to do something so dramatic. & i'll admit, there's a part of me that mentally throws a first class three year old tantrum when i think about the way i would need to eat post surgery.
but i don't want to give up pasta! even if it IS only for a little while!
i LIKE ice cream. can't we negotiate on this?!
but beckah needs her booze...on occasion at least
people who've had the surgery tell me it just takes time & patience & eventually you can eat most of what you did before, but you have to eat less. which, the skeptical part of me wants to note, sounds a helluva lot like watching what you eat & dieting. but, meh, it does have built in self control, which dieting doesn't.
& i'm not even sure what i can accomplish in another two weeks. maybe see how strong my will is to do this on my own? another two weeks could be another 2 lbs lost if i can lose a pound a week. not that much when you're looking at another almost hundred pounds, but it's something. it's 4 more personal training sessions with riley. it's another 14 days to live one day at a time. & most of all, it's another chance.
& i had a wee little panic attack.
& realized that, no matter how ready & put together the dietitian & psychologist think i am & how prepared i seem to take that leap, that i just wasn't ready for it. i know that marty definitely thinks i should go for it, as does jack. & i know that josh, while saying that it's my decision & i need to do what's right, for him the GB WAS the right decision, so i feel a bit like maybe he sorta sees that as my best option too.
as for jenn, i give her much kudos for being 100% totally non-committed. she has some people that she's very close to who've gone through the surgical weight loss, & then she also knows people who've gone the other route. she said no matter what she expects my ass at the Y with her hitting the ellipticals & such at night & getting our bi-weekly beating from riley.
rachel & tina are supportive, but neither has really given much of an opinion, which is kind of nice. two people who i don't have to worry about disappointing. they just want me to be happy & healthy.
my parents however, especially my mom, are wholly against the whole thing. just today my mom sent me an email with a link to an article in the st. paul pioneer press regarding the negative psychological effects that can come up post weight loss surgery. although, if you really read it, the article cautions that any massive weight loss will have mental effects on a person no matter how they managed to lose weight. but still, way to be supportive.
maybe it's all a sign that no matter how ready i think i am to make that leap, that i really am not at all ready to do something so dramatic. & i'll admit, there's a part of me that mentally throws a first class three year old tantrum when i think about the way i would need to eat post surgery.
but i don't want to give up pasta! even if it IS only for a little while!
i LIKE ice cream. can't we negotiate on this?!
but beckah needs her booze...on occasion at least
people who've had the surgery tell me it just takes time & patience & eventually you can eat most of what you did before, but you have to eat less. which, the skeptical part of me wants to note, sounds a helluva lot like watching what you eat & dieting. but, meh, it does have built in self control, which dieting doesn't.
& i'm not even sure what i can accomplish in another two weeks. maybe see how strong my will is to do this on my own? another two weeks could be another 2 lbs lost if i can lose a pound a week. not that much when you're looking at another almost hundred pounds, but it's something. it's 4 more personal training sessions with riley. it's another 14 days to live one day at a time. & most of all, it's another chance.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
saying good bye to old friends
i was just looking through pasta queen's archives & i came across a very apropo posting: good-bye to soda. even though christmas beat my ass like i was stealing its tv, i learned some very important lessons, the largest of which is: don't binge, food makes me feel bad, not good. i know, a very obvious thing, but in the life of a fat girl, it's not such an easy concept to embrace because, well, for many years i've been that fat girl stereo type. eating to make myself feel better. comforting myself with rich, sweet, tasty foods. anything with a complex texture & taste that made me forget whatever it was that inspired the binge. in high school, it was mostly feeling alone. food really was my best friend. i didn't have to worry about being judged, abandoned, made fun of, or harmed. it was there, no questions, no strings, just there. & i was a secret eater. it was my guilty pleasure. my addiction. it was my shame to conceal.
& when you start making food your friend at seven, it's hard to give it up, even if you know that it's slowly killing you. but lately, since christmas i'd say, or maybe more accurately, since the end of the canukian porn trip, i haven't felt that same urge. the longing & the desire to gorge myself is dissipating. i do definitely have my slips, like the 3 brownies at the post-funeral luncheon on tuesday, but i'm showing great restraint over all. i did not stuff myself at little oven tuesday evening, even though their garlic butter is so good i'd fight my mom for the last piece of bread. & yesterday i passed by the two cakes (one chocolate & one white with raspberry filling) that were sitting in the breakroom in the afternoon. i actually passed by them several times, without so much as the teensiest tiniest morsel touching my lips. i didn't even have a post workout evening snack when i got home. i was hungry, but drank some water, played some wow, & pushed on through it. & that felt good.
sometimes, the things we love the most are the things that are the most detrimental to our well being. case in point: tssob (the southern son of a bitch). while in the relationship i loved him, er, thought i did. & i was so wrapped up in that dysfunctional relationship that i was literally blinded by the truth. it really was like i was seeing my life through a tunnel. & all around me my parents, tina, rachel, all my friends, even my coworkers saw the truth as plain as a billboard on 94, flashing red & orange, danger ahead. but all i saw was the road straight ahead of me, nothing else. & then one day, i woke up, realized i'd been wasting my time, money, my life, on someone who was completely unworthy of any of my attention, much less the degree of caring that i invested in that relationship. & FINALLY, then, it was ok for me to simply say good bye & walk away. ((OK, i do still have some anger issues over the fact that the lying cheating mother fucker never sent me back my stuff which he said SEVERAL times he'd do & then the bastard kept calling me for a year after i broke up with him trying to insinuate himself back into my life. & luckily for me, he's a closet racist & stopped calling me when i told him i had a temporary booty call in the form of a yummy indian boy. yo.))
& with food it's kind of the same way right now. the things that used to be my biggest vices no longer hold the same appeal to me. for instance, the brownies at the luncheon were just OK, nothing fantastic. & i think i had them out of boredom. hoping that they would taste better. we can always chalk it up to grief too, if we want. but i'm not even trying to make any excuses for the brownies because, it happened, i felt like shyte afterwards, & i'm over it now. & even with the slip up for the luncheon, i don't feel the same way towards food anymore. just like with tssob, one day i opened my eyes & was able to see a huge world beyond the tunnel vision of the routine of eating.
i know that it's not going to change how i feel except for possibly giving me a gut ache & making me feel guilty for putting such horrible things in my body. neither of those is a very appealing option for me at this time. i like feeling strong & healthy. with my tummy satisfied from good food, but not overly stuffed & miserable. & looking back over the years i know that i've said this kind of thing before, but i think that i've finally reached my limit with junk food. i've been living that old tired saying of "living to eat instead of eating to live." & like any addict, i've let my addiction control me, warp my everyday actions. while i'm not knocking over a liquor store or purse snatching from old ladies, it was controlling my life. it's not like i sit at my desk fidgeting until i can get that next twinkie fix, but it was getting to the point where all my socializing was done over food. i was going out to dinner several times a week, sometimes twice a day. so it really is time for me to cut the ties, say good bye to all of those bad food fetishes, & look into the future & find a life for me outside of being just the fat girl. part of it is growing up, part of it is just living life & taking in the little experiences to compile them into something larger, & a large part of it is having faith in yourself & your abilities.
& it feels damn good to have that faith. that strength. to break away from familiarity. from the ties. from the safety of routine. & find a new way in the world.
& when you start making food your friend at seven, it's hard to give it up, even if you know that it's slowly killing you. but lately, since christmas i'd say, or maybe more accurately, since the end of the canukian porn trip, i haven't felt that same urge. the longing & the desire to gorge myself is dissipating. i do definitely have my slips, like the 3 brownies at the post-funeral luncheon on tuesday, but i'm showing great restraint over all. i did not stuff myself at little oven tuesday evening, even though their garlic butter is so good i'd fight my mom for the last piece of bread. & yesterday i passed by the two cakes (one chocolate & one white with raspberry filling) that were sitting in the breakroom in the afternoon. i actually passed by them several times, without so much as the teensiest tiniest morsel touching my lips. i didn't even have a post workout evening snack when i got home. i was hungry, but drank some water, played some wow, & pushed on through it. & that felt good.
sometimes, the things we love the most are the things that are the most detrimental to our well being. case in point: tssob (the southern son of a bitch). while in the relationship i loved him, er, thought i did. & i was so wrapped up in that dysfunctional relationship that i was literally blinded by the truth. it really was like i was seeing my life through a tunnel. & all around me my parents, tina, rachel, all my friends, even my coworkers saw the truth as plain as a billboard on 94, flashing red & orange, danger ahead. but all i saw was the road straight ahead of me, nothing else. & then one day, i woke up, realized i'd been wasting my time, money, my life, on someone who was completely unworthy of any of my attention, much less the degree of caring that i invested in that relationship. & FINALLY, then, it was ok for me to simply say good bye & walk away. ((OK, i do still have some anger issues over the fact that the lying cheating mother fucker never sent me back my stuff which he said SEVERAL times he'd do & then the bastard kept calling me for a year after i broke up with him trying to insinuate himself back into my life. & luckily for me, he's a closet racist & stopped calling me when i told him i had a temporary booty call in the form of a yummy indian boy. yo.))
& with food it's kind of the same way right now. the things that used to be my biggest vices no longer hold the same appeal to me. for instance, the brownies at the luncheon were just OK, nothing fantastic. & i think i had them out of boredom. hoping that they would taste better. we can always chalk it up to grief too, if we want. but i'm not even trying to make any excuses for the brownies because, it happened, i felt like shyte afterwards, & i'm over it now. & even with the slip up for the luncheon, i don't feel the same way towards food anymore. just like with tssob, one day i opened my eyes & was able to see a huge world beyond the tunnel vision of the routine of eating.
i know that it's not going to change how i feel except for possibly giving me a gut ache & making me feel guilty for putting such horrible things in my body. neither of those is a very appealing option for me at this time. i like feeling strong & healthy. with my tummy satisfied from good food, but not overly stuffed & miserable. & looking back over the years i know that i've said this kind of thing before, but i think that i've finally reached my limit with junk food. i've been living that old tired saying of "living to eat instead of eating to live." & like any addict, i've let my addiction control me, warp my everyday actions. while i'm not knocking over a liquor store or purse snatching from old ladies, it was controlling my life. it's not like i sit at my desk fidgeting until i can get that next twinkie fix, but it was getting to the point where all my socializing was done over food. i was going out to dinner several times a week, sometimes twice a day. so it really is time for me to cut the ties, say good bye to all of those bad food fetishes, & look into the future & find a life for me outside of being just the fat girl. part of it is growing up, part of it is just living life & taking in the little experiences to compile them into something larger, & a large part of it is having faith in yourself & your abilities.
& it feels damn good to have that faith. that strength. to break away from familiarity. from the ties. from the safety of routine. & find a new way in the world.
Friday, January 19, 2007
standing at the crossroads
once upon a time, there was a fat girl. & while her body carried more weight than it really should, she was still very pretty. but the extra flesh caused her to shy away from certain activities for much of her life for fear that she would be rejected simply because she was the fat girl. & while for many years she did find solace, comfort, & friendship in sweets & comfort foods. hiding behind her food fetishes, swallowing her hurt bite by bite, squeezing her eyes tight to stop the flow of the tears. it became a weary habit. the sweets turning to saw dust in her mouth as another day slipped into another & she was in her teens, & then out of highschool, into her twenties & her life was falling by her like sand through open fingers.
every new year she promised herself it would be the last year she'd be fat. every year since she was eleven, or maybe even ten. & then finally one day in the middle of the nevada desert she was sick of her life running, wasted, like the sand, & decided to change. & it was as easy as that, as deciding that not only would she change, but she could, & she did, for a while.
for the first time it was the fat girl's turn to shine in the spot light. & she had confidence, & grace& sensuality oozing from every pore of her body. & the boys flocked. & she glowed. & somehow, in the new found self hidden within the fat cells she found an identity behind the secret eating, avoided eye contact, & super sized clothing. she found out who she was. & she liked it & liked herself.
& then she fell. in love. perhaps. & gained again. fifty pounds in what seemed like over night, but was more like a couple months. & the years of work & struggle, which didn't seem like struggle at the time, but in retrospect were struggle & sacrifice, were for nothing. & the cute size 16 jeans still hung on her wall. the tags still attached. never worn.
one day, our girl woke up, without the boy, & it was ok. cause it really was more about the journey, not the destination. or rather, not a set destination. & it was about the person she became in the time, & the fat girl realized that to be happy she had to be selfish. had to put herself first. meditate. serach her heart. stare directly into her future. her mortality. beyond her mortality. to define her life.
somewhere in the middle of all of that, she found herself going down a path she swore she'd never follow, the road that would take her to surgically altering her body for good. for weight loss. for her health? & so now the fat girl stands at the crossroads. still struggling to become thin & healthy on her own. but with the allure of surgery glowing in the near distance, two thirds through the approval process, onto the last leg of the journey.
she knows thin does not equal happiness. or perfection. or peace. but she feels deep inside it does equal a better quality of life. more opportunities. the chance to do - & she feels that her fat is holding her back. & yeah, she'll go from being the fat girl, to just the girl. & that's ok too. but she stands now, the fork in the road now clearly visible in front of her. the two paths still one, but now wider. she can continue on as she has been, struggling on her own, seeming to continually fail, or she can ask for help & hope, feverently hope, that help combined with will power & sheer determination will pull her through in the end.
& as the path widens she zig-zags between the two choices. knowing her will power is strong, but weak as well. her determination is there. her vision is there. but not yet believing she can do it on her own. & not wanting to admit that she's weak & can't do it on her own. & trying to see herself twenty years in the future, looking back on this moment, being proud of the choice she made, but not knowing which it will be in the end.
the crossroads are visible ahead, just like the fables say, & the devil's there with his deal. but she doesn't know who's the devil, who's her savior, & which choice will redeem her soul.
every new year she promised herself it would be the last year she'd be fat. every year since she was eleven, or maybe even ten. & then finally one day in the middle of the nevada desert she was sick of her life running, wasted, like the sand, & decided to change. & it was as easy as that, as deciding that not only would she change, but she could, & she did, for a while.
for the first time it was the fat girl's turn to shine in the spot light. & she had confidence, & grace& sensuality oozing from every pore of her body. & the boys flocked. & she glowed. & somehow, in the new found self hidden within the fat cells she found an identity behind the secret eating, avoided eye contact, & super sized clothing. she found out who she was. & she liked it & liked herself.
& then she fell. in love. perhaps. & gained again. fifty pounds in what seemed like over night, but was more like a couple months. & the years of work & struggle, which didn't seem like struggle at the time, but in retrospect were struggle & sacrifice, were for nothing. & the cute size 16 jeans still hung on her wall. the tags still attached. never worn.
one day, our girl woke up, without the boy, & it was ok. cause it really was more about the journey, not the destination. or rather, not a set destination. & it was about the person she became in the time, & the fat girl realized that to be happy she had to be selfish. had to put herself first. meditate. serach her heart. stare directly into her future. her mortality. beyond her mortality. to define her life.
somewhere in the middle of all of that, she found herself going down a path she swore she'd never follow, the road that would take her to surgically altering her body for good. for weight loss. for her health? & so now the fat girl stands at the crossroads. still struggling to become thin & healthy on her own. but with the allure of surgery glowing in the near distance, two thirds through the approval process, onto the last leg of the journey.
she knows thin does not equal happiness. or perfection. or peace. but she feels deep inside it does equal a better quality of life. more opportunities. the chance to do - & she feels that her fat is holding her back. & yeah, she'll go from being the fat girl, to just the girl. & that's ok too. but she stands now, the fork in the road now clearly visible in front of her. the two paths still one, but now wider. she can continue on as she has been, struggling on her own, seeming to continually fail, or she can ask for help & hope, feverently hope, that help combined with will power & sheer determination will pull her through in the end.
& as the path widens she zig-zags between the two choices. knowing her will power is strong, but weak as well. her determination is there. her vision is there. but not yet believing she can do it on her own. & not wanting to admit that she's weak & can't do it on her own. & trying to see herself twenty years in the future, looking back on this moment, being proud of the choice she made, but not knowing which it will be in the end.
the crossroads are visible ahead, just like the fables say, & the devil's there with his deal. but she doesn't know who's the devil, who's her savior, & which choice will redeem her soul.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
& the results are officially in
so the results from my sleep study are FINALLY in! & basically the answer is that i have something even milder than mild sleep apnea. it's something that lots of people have, where you stop breathing, slightly, more like a wee tiny bit of obstructed breathing, a couple of times during the night. it's so mild that they don't even routinely treat it with a CPAP machine, on occasion they'll suggest a dental device, but normally not even that.
however, because of the fact that i am looking at gastric bypass, the nurse at the specialty center needs to get in touch with the people at hcmc because occasionally the surgeons will want even the mildest cases of sleep apnea treated for about two months before surgery in order to have one less possible cardiac complication at the time of surgery. & so the optimistic estimate of january '07 may have been a bit premature since i now have the results of the sleep study.
& further more they want me to do this other "test" in which i wear some kind of a watch that measures my activity levels, and at the same time i need to keep a sleep log, to help them better figure out exactly why i've been so blasted tired lately. & i'll have to wear the watch & keep the log for 2-4 weeks, & it's going to be about 4 weeks before i actually get the stinkin watching thingie due to the fact that they are mondo expensive & the sleep clinic only has a couple of them.
actually, i think i need to call them back & see if i can leave a message for the nurse that i talked with today because i was in such a hurry to get out of there so i could get to work on time that i didn't clarify if she was going to call hcmc soon to find out about the CPAP, or if i was going to have to do the watch thing & THEN the CPAP, if needed, which would be absolutely ridiculous since that would be a few months wasted.
action plan? well, my bad self is going to take a lesson from my blog of a few days ago about persistence & call both HCMC & the specialty center today to get all of my follow up questions answered. i do also need to find out when i need to meet with the internal medicine doctor at HCMC & when i would be meeting with a surgeon & all of that jazz. & find out who needs to do my notification to medica, i want to make sure that all of my t's are crossed & i's dotted with smiley faces.
interestingly enough i was all philosophical & patient about this whole surgery thing, but now that it looks like it may be seriously delayed by something that is being reported to me as a very-mild-not-even-of-concern-because-it's-so-mild-sleep-not-even-actually-apnea. so, let's keep our fingers crossed that the surgeons at HCMC don't really want me to have a CPAP. or, if they do insist on me being on CPAP for two months, that i'll get that sooner rather than later & that i won't have to wait for the other acitography test & the stinkin watch that takes a month for me to be able to get.
the only bright spot in any of this is that the doctor's office scale reported me as weighing less than when i weighed in at the Y last week. but, it's not an official weight since it was done two days early at a non-official scale. yeah, it has to be all neat & tidy for purposes of the great pork off, aka farm people competition.
however, because of the fact that i am looking at gastric bypass, the nurse at the specialty center needs to get in touch with the people at hcmc because occasionally the surgeons will want even the mildest cases of sleep apnea treated for about two months before surgery in order to have one less possible cardiac complication at the time of surgery. & so the optimistic estimate of january '07 may have been a bit premature since i now have the results of the sleep study.
& further more they want me to do this other "test" in which i wear some kind of a watch that measures my activity levels, and at the same time i need to keep a sleep log, to help them better figure out exactly why i've been so blasted tired lately. & i'll have to wear the watch & keep the log for 2-4 weeks, & it's going to be about 4 weeks before i actually get the stinkin watching thingie due to the fact that they are mondo expensive & the sleep clinic only has a couple of them.
actually, i think i need to call them back & see if i can leave a message for the nurse that i talked with today because i was in such a hurry to get out of there so i could get to work on time that i didn't clarify if she was going to call hcmc soon to find out about the CPAP, or if i was going to have to do the watch thing & THEN the CPAP, if needed, which would be absolutely ridiculous since that would be a few months wasted.
action plan? well, my bad self is going to take a lesson from my blog of a few days ago about persistence & call both HCMC & the specialty center today to get all of my follow up questions answered. i do also need to find out when i need to meet with the internal medicine doctor at HCMC & when i would be meeting with a surgeon & all of that jazz. & find out who needs to do my notification to medica, i want to make sure that all of my t's are crossed & i's dotted with smiley faces.
interestingly enough i was all philosophical & patient about this whole surgery thing, but now that it looks like it may be seriously delayed by something that is being reported to me as a very-mild-not-even-of-concern-because-it's-so-mild-sleep-not-even-actually-apnea. so, let's keep our fingers crossed that the surgeons at HCMC don't really want me to have a CPAP. or, if they do insist on me being on CPAP for two months, that i'll get that sooner rather than later & that i won't have to wait for the other acitography test & the stinkin watch that takes a month for me to be able to get.
the only bright spot in any of this is that the doctor's office scale reported me as weighing less than when i weighed in at the Y last week. but, it's not an official weight since it was done two days early at a non-official scale. yeah, it has to be all neat & tidy for purposes of the great pork off, aka farm people competition.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
& yet another blog from the princess
yeah, so one blog is not enough for yours truly. i've created another blog with some of my partners in crime. i won't put the whole 411 up here since the first blog entry says it all. so here's the link & it's also on my list of links to the right. cheers.
http://farmpeople.blogspot.com/
http://farmpeople.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
on the fa(s)t train
so right now looks like i'm on the fa(s)t train to surgery. i had my meeting monday morning with the nutritionist, christine. i brought my information on my multivitamin, we went over my questionnaire that i handed in at the information session, & went through some other standard questions that she had to ask of me at our first meeting. & i was brutally honest with all of it.
she was really happy with what i have been doing & said that i was an ideal canidate for surgery. she also said that she hadn't met anyone for quite some time that she thought was as ready & as perfect a canidate as yours truly. she also said that because of my insurance i would need to meet with her for a minimum of three times & she apologized for that. when i told her i didn't mind & that it would give me time to get mentally ready for the surgery that seemed to impress her even more. i even told her, it took me years to get this big, i know that it will take time to change that.
so i'm having to meet with her a total of three times, with a month, or more, in between each session. she said that i may be having surgery as early as january. & that my next steps are to get my personality evaluated & my head shrunk. which, of course, she didn't say it in quite those terms. but i do need to take the mmpi (minnesota multiphasal personality invintory) & then see a psychologist after that. i also may need to see their on-site internal medicine doctor, i think that i need to do that anyway for my insurance. so january would be nice, but if it's later that's fine too.
christine basically told me to just keep doing what i have been doing. i have all of the big changes already done that they want people to do before they get gastric bypass surgery: no snacks- just 3 meals/day, no calorie beverages (more than 10 calories/8oz=calorie beverage), & exercising regularly. she did say she understands with my back being all broken & messed up that i haven't been working out as rigorously, but i have been trying to do more walking in smaller chunks to make up for it.
for my next meeting with her i'll have my daily sheets that i've started keeping. i track my exercise, water, vitamins, meals, daily steps & comments on the day. i'm also keeping track of my weights, starting this friday. & it's all in a nice little white three ring binder which is so handy for travel.
in addition to josh & marty, i learned that my sister's roomie & good friend crystal recently had the GB just at the beginning of october. i wish her well with the results & a quick recovery. i mentioned to rach & tina that i was thinking about doing this & they're supportive of what ever i decide to do. as are the fabulous miss jenn (already of blog-fame) & the blonde miss jen (who also works with me & miss jenn). so far all of my peers are very positive in whatever i choose to do. unfortunately, my parents are going to be tougher to get on board.
i broached the subject last night with my mom & she was adamant that i not even think about getting the GB. she said that i shouldn't do anything as drastic as permanently alter my body just to lose weight. & i understand that i'm her baby still & that she worries about me & doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. but i'm also going to be going to hcmc, which is one of the best places in this region. my insurance also has "centers for excellence" which are the hospitals/centers that they have certified to be the best & this is on their list. i feel very comfortable & confident with the medical staff that i've met there thus far. my mom even suggested that i try either a hypnotist or an accupuncturist to help me lose weight. yeah. my mom who thinks that wiccans will go to hell 'cause they're devil worshippers is suggesting alternative medicine to me as a way to lose weight. she even suggested a chiropractor, which she loathes the entire profession due to personal issues.
uh, yeah, it's not going to be pretty. & i haven't come to this decision lightly either folks. i have tried. for years. & years. i have tried everything from south beach to weight watchers to manic exercising. i have met with dieticians & doctors. i've auditioned for the biggest loser. i am light years from where i was at 19 when i drank 4-6 cans of regular or cherry coke a day. i barely drink soda & if i do it's diet. i used to hate working out with a seething white hot passion. & now i love it & i'm super upset that i'm being benched again due to my back. i hated water & refused to drink it until i was around 23 or so, now if i don't get my 64+ oz a day i feel like somethings missing. those are three huge things right there. & i still seem to be stuck. i know that i can't do this on my own. i know that i need some kind of help in order to get to my goal.
& while it would be lovely to be a svelte size 2 & incredibly gorgeous, i have no such lofty ideals in my head. i want to be healthy. i want to be able to RUN again. i haven't really ran since i was in first grade. i want to go sky diving. horse back riding. snow boarding. mountain biking. bungee jumping. i want to be able to do it all without being winded. i want to go to a doctor's office & not have to sit on the bench or stand because the chair arms will cut into my thighs. i don't want to have to analyze the tables at a restaurant so i can pick the "big" side so that it's not cutting into my stomach. i want to have energy to do all of the crazy travel that i possibly can. i want to ride a roller coaster again. to go shopping & not have to be limited to lame giant or the other fat chick stores. i mean, yea for fat girl stores 'cause they weren't around when i was in high school, i had to order my clothes through the mail & hope that they fit. but i want to be able to go shopping at any store that i please. i want to spend a day walking the streets of paris & not worry that my feet & knees will ached & i'll be miserable for a week because there's too much weight on them. instead of sitting on the sidelines & watching my life i want to be out there actually living it.
she was really happy with what i have been doing & said that i was an ideal canidate for surgery. she also said that she hadn't met anyone for quite some time that she thought was as ready & as perfect a canidate as yours truly. she also said that because of my insurance i would need to meet with her for a minimum of three times & she apologized for that. when i told her i didn't mind & that it would give me time to get mentally ready for the surgery that seemed to impress her even more. i even told her, it took me years to get this big, i know that it will take time to change that.
so i'm having to meet with her a total of three times, with a month, or more, in between each session. she said that i may be having surgery as early as january. & that my next steps are to get my personality evaluated & my head shrunk. which, of course, she didn't say it in quite those terms. but i do need to take the mmpi (minnesota multiphasal personality invintory) & then see a psychologist after that. i also may need to see their on-site internal medicine doctor, i think that i need to do that anyway for my insurance. so january would be nice, but if it's later that's fine too.
christine basically told me to just keep doing what i have been doing. i have all of the big changes already done that they want people to do before they get gastric bypass surgery: no snacks- just 3 meals/day, no calorie beverages (more than 10 calories/8oz=calorie beverage), & exercising regularly. she did say she understands with my back being all broken & messed up that i haven't been working out as rigorously, but i have been trying to do more walking in smaller chunks to make up for it.
for my next meeting with her i'll have my daily sheets that i've started keeping. i track my exercise, water, vitamins, meals, daily steps & comments on the day. i'm also keeping track of my weights, starting this friday. & it's all in a nice little white three ring binder which is so handy for travel.
in addition to josh & marty, i learned that my sister's roomie & good friend crystal recently had the GB just at the beginning of october. i wish her well with the results & a quick recovery. i mentioned to rach & tina that i was thinking about doing this & they're supportive of what ever i decide to do. as are the fabulous miss jenn (already of blog-fame) & the blonde miss jen (who also works with me & miss jenn). so far all of my peers are very positive in whatever i choose to do. unfortunately, my parents are going to be tougher to get on board.
i broached the subject last night with my mom & she was adamant that i not even think about getting the GB. she said that i shouldn't do anything as drastic as permanently alter my body just to lose weight. & i understand that i'm her baby still & that she worries about me & doesn't want anything bad to happen to me. but i'm also going to be going to hcmc, which is one of the best places in this region. my insurance also has "centers for excellence" which are the hospitals/centers that they have certified to be the best & this is on their list. i feel very comfortable & confident with the medical staff that i've met there thus far. my mom even suggested that i try either a hypnotist or an accupuncturist to help me lose weight. yeah. my mom who thinks that wiccans will go to hell 'cause they're devil worshippers is suggesting alternative medicine to me as a way to lose weight. she even suggested a chiropractor, which she loathes the entire profession due to personal issues.
uh, yeah, it's not going to be pretty. & i haven't come to this decision lightly either folks. i have tried. for years. & years. i have tried everything from south beach to weight watchers to manic exercising. i have met with dieticians & doctors. i've auditioned for the biggest loser. i am light years from where i was at 19 when i drank 4-6 cans of regular or cherry coke a day. i barely drink soda & if i do it's diet. i used to hate working out with a seething white hot passion. & now i love it & i'm super upset that i'm being benched again due to my back. i hated water & refused to drink it until i was around 23 or so, now if i don't get my 64+ oz a day i feel like somethings missing. those are three huge things right there. & i still seem to be stuck. i know that i can't do this on my own. i know that i need some kind of help in order to get to my goal.
& while it would be lovely to be a svelte size 2 & incredibly gorgeous, i have no such lofty ideals in my head. i want to be healthy. i want to be able to RUN again. i haven't really ran since i was in first grade. i want to go sky diving. horse back riding. snow boarding. mountain biking. bungee jumping. i want to be able to do it all without being winded. i want to go to a doctor's office & not have to sit on the bench or stand because the chair arms will cut into my thighs. i don't want to have to analyze the tables at a restaurant so i can pick the "big" side so that it's not cutting into my stomach. i want to have energy to do all of the crazy travel that i possibly can. i want to ride a roller coaster again. to go shopping & not have to be limited to lame giant or the other fat chick stores. i mean, yea for fat girl stores 'cause they weren't around when i was in high school, i had to order my clothes through the mail & hope that they fit. but i want to be able to go shopping at any store that i please. i want to spend a day walking the streets of paris & not worry that my feet & knees will ached & i'll be miserable for a week because there's too much weight on them. instead of sitting on the sidelines & watching my life i want to be out there actually living it.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
a blog divided
one week from tomorrow i'm going to be venturing over to hcmc (hennepin county medical center) to attend an information session on bariatric surgery. i'm not committing, at this time, to do a surgery to assist me in losing weight, but i will say that i'm very much tempted.
part of my decision to seek more information is due to josh's success with his surgery. i'm not necessarily a follower. i had originally, back when i was over 300 lbs, asked my doctor at the time to tell me more about weight loss surgery. she basically yelled at me, told me i wasn't big enough or sick enough, & to never ask about it again. um, yeah, at that point i had to lose half of my body weight, not big enough my ass! but, once again, no use crying over consumed milk shakes.
i know that i'm kinda maybe losing some weight on my own, but i had been down to 229 lbs on my own back in 2005 & i ballooned up another FIFTY pounds! EEEK! double EEEK EEEK! i know there were some other reasons behind my weight gain of last year, but it does get harder with age to continue this battle. & to be honest gang, the fight has nearly gone out of me. it's so disheartening to go to the gym, day after day, sweat until there's nothing coming out of my pores but salt, eat "good" food, stay away from the bad, & see absolutely no progress out of the deal. i'm not going to claim that i've been a saint or the perfect picture of health, but i'm trying goddammit & it's not freakin working! & i've been good more than i've been bad.
& i hate myself for being weak.
& i hate myself for being able to get so fucking fat.
& i hate myself because i can't seem to change.
& i hate myself for stopping my exercise program last year.
& i hate myself for feeling all of of this.
& it's time to stop hating myself.
part of my decision to seek more information is due to josh's success with his surgery. i'm not necessarily a follower. i had originally, back when i was over 300 lbs, asked my doctor at the time to tell me more about weight loss surgery. she basically yelled at me, told me i wasn't big enough or sick enough, & to never ask about it again. um, yeah, at that point i had to lose half of my body weight, not big enough my ass! but, once again, no use crying over consumed milk shakes.
i know that i'm kinda maybe losing some weight on my own, but i had been down to 229 lbs on my own back in 2005 & i ballooned up another FIFTY pounds! EEEK! double EEEK EEEK! i know there were some other reasons behind my weight gain of last year, but it does get harder with age to continue this battle. & to be honest gang, the fight has nearly gone out of me. it's so disheartening to go to the gym, day after day, sweat until there's nothing coming out of my pores but salt, eat "good" food, stay away from the bad, & see absolutely no progress out of the deal. i'm not going to claim that i've been a saint or the perfect picture of health, but i'm trying goddammit & it's not freakin working! & i've been good more than i've been bad.
& i hate myself for being weak.
& i hate myself for being able to get so fucking fat.
& i hate myself because i can't seem to change.
& i hate myself for stopping my exercise program last year.
& i hate myself for feeling all of of this.
& it's time to stop hating myself.
Friday, September 22, 2006
is jello mocking fat people?
so i was watching the biggest loser yesterday on tape, since i have to work 'til 8pm my dearest set my vcr to record the season premier for me on wednesday. yes yes, one day we WILL join the 21st century & get tivo or the like, for now, while residing with my 'rents, the video cassette recorder will just have to do. anyway, i'm watching the biggest loser, & i come to a realization, it's being sponsored by jello (you must check this website, roll your mouse a bit over the sections, disturbing, no?) the $250,000 grand prize for the fatty whose dropped the most weight is offered by jello! now let's ponder this for a moment.
i realized that somehow this seems very very wrong. now being a fatty myself, & i'm sure that most of you out there on the net can agree with this, many fat people jiggle when they move. fat is by no means as stoic as muscle, it tends to wiggle wobble & flop all over the place. anyone remember the simpsons episode where dr. hibbert set homer's fat to jiggling? yeah, not a pretty sight, but there's sometimes truth in cartoons. arms, bellies, thighs, butts all kind of roll & move on their own accord in an odd relationship with gravity.
now think about jello. think about jello on a plate, maybe at a pot luck or family reunion? it trembles, wobbles, wiggles all over the place. much like a fat physique when put in motion. so it seems very wrong that a food, which the "regular version" is mostly sugar, is sponsoring a competition to lose weight. why doesn't budweiser just sponsor aa meetings too? isn't there a certain sence of irony in all of this?
well the lightbulb was glowing quite brightly above my noggin, i paused the tv, shouted over to jack in his room saying "i think it's wrong that jello is sponsoring the biggest loser!" he asked my reasoning & i explained, & then asked him "haven't you ever seen me run?" to which he replied, "yeah, & it's pretty funny to watch."
--pause--
yes, the boy is still alive. lucky for him he was out of my reach & i didn't feel like jumping over my dog & leaping hands first at his neck. i love him dearly, but sometimes jack has all the tact of a twenty pound sledge hammer to the base of the skull. guess that's what happens when you go for a younger guy, eh?
for anyone who hasn't watched the show, the premise is that nbc brings 14 very obese people to a ranch in california to learn how to exercise, eat healthy, & lose weight. they're divided into two teams, the red & the blue, each led by a personal trainer, (bob harper & kim lyons). at the end of each week on the ranch they have a weigh in, & the team with the least percentage of weight lost goes to elimination & then has to vote off one member of their team. like survivor but for fat people. now the whole point of the contestants being there is to become firmer, leaner, & less resembling of the famed gelatin, which is why it seems so very wrong for jello to be the biggest sponsor of this show.
as long as i'm harping on biggest loser, i'd like to add two other things. #1 is i signed up for their mailing list because i'm too damn cheap to pay to be in their club, & at least once a day i get emails advertising diet pills, surgery, weight loss shakes, & all other sorts of things that are the very antithesis of what the show itself is promoting. which happens to be losing weight through the oh so magically simple equation of calories in/calories out, meaning burn more than you consume. {{didja note the sarcasm there, huh huh huh?}}
& 2# is that while the show is inspirational in that these people lose a bunch of weight, become health nuts & really improve their quality of life, that it is unrealistic for a person in the real world to routinely lose 8-20+ lbs per week, unless they've undergone bariatric surgery. if i went in to my doctor' office saying that i'd been losing 5 lbs a week for a month they'd put me in the hospital to find out what's wrong 'cause that just ain't healthy. it's also an unattainable standard for those of us living in the real world, having to work five days a week, battle rush hour traffic & deal with family. where would we find the 4+ hours a day to work out? & would we really be able to sustain that over time? me thinks not.
overall, i do like the show. i get sucked into rooting for my favorites & hoping that they do well. i've thought about auditioning for the show in the past. ok, i actually did audition back in december 2004 in minneapolis at the rock bottom brewery. but i never got a call back. guess i wasn't charming enough or something. but it was insane how many people were there, hundreds & hundreds, we were interviewed in groups of ten, we each got basically one minute to pitch our case, & that was after standing in line for a few hours. personally, i think i would've been fabulous on the show. i'm a dynamic person, with a great smile, & believe it or not, very little shame when it comes to shaking it on national tv in a sports bra & biker shorts. hell, i'd strip as much clothing off my body to make me as streamlined & light as i could for the scale. at home i weight myself bare ass nekkid, & that's only 'cause i'm blind as a bat without my glasses.
if i planned on being fat & needing the show i'd audition again, but i can't be fat anymore. i just, i can't, i'm at the end of my rope. *sighs* more about that in another blog.
i realized that somehow this seems very very wrong. now being a fatty myself, & i'm sure that most of you out there on the net can agree with this, many fat people jiggle when they move. fat is by no means as stoic as muscle, it tends to wiggle wobble & flop all over the place. anyone remember the simpsons episode where dr. hibbert set homer's fat to jiggling? yeah, not a pretty sight, but there's sometimes truth in cartoons. arms, bellies, thighs, butts all kind of roll & move on their own accord in an odd relationship with gravity.
now think about jello. think about jello on a plate, maybe at a pot luck or family reunion? it trembles, wobbles, wiggles all over the place. much like a fat physique when put in motion. so it seems very wrong that a food, which the "regular version" is mostly sugar, is sponsoring a competition to lose weight. why doesn't budweiser just sponsor aa meetings too? isn't there a certain sence of irony in all of this?
well the lightbulb was glowing quite brightly above my noggin, i paused the tv, shouted over to jack in his room saying "i think it's wrong that jello is sponsoring the biggest loser!" he asked my reasoning & i explained, & then asked him "haven't you ever seen me run?" to which he replied, "yeah, & it's pretty funny to watch."
--pause--
yes, the boy is still alive. lucky for him he was out of my reach & i didn't feel like jumping over my dog & leaping hands first at his neck. i love him dearly, but sometimes jack has all the tact of a twenty pound sledge hammer to the base of the skull. guess that's what happens when you go for a younger guy, eh?
for anyone who hasn't watched the show, the premise is that nbc brings 14 very obese people to a ranch in california to learn how to exercise, eat healthy, & lose weight. they're divided into two teams, the red & the blue, each led by a personal trainer, (bob harper & kim lyons). at the end of each week on the ranch they have a weigh in, & the team with the least percentage of weight lost goes to elimination & then has to vote off one member of their team. like survivor but for fat people. now the whole point of the contestants being there is to become firmer, leaner, & less resembling of the famed gelatin, which is why it seems so very wrong for jello to be the biggest sponsor of this show.
as long as i'm harping on biggest loser, i'd like to add two other things. #1 is i signed up for their mailing list because i'm too damn cheap to pay to be in their club, & at least once a day i get emails advertising diet pills, surgery, weight loss shakes, & all other sorts of things that are the very antithesis of what the show itself is promoting. which happens to be losing weight through the oh so magically simple equation of calories in/calories out, meaning burn more than you consume. {{didja note the sarcasm there, huh huh huh?}}
& 2# is that while the show is inspirational in that these people lose a bunch of weight, become health nuts & really improve their quality of life, that it is unrealistic for a person in the real world to routinely lose 8-20+ lbs per week, unless they've undergone bariatric surgery. if i went in to my doctor' office saying that i'd been losing 5 lbs a week for a month they'd put me in the hospital to find out what's wrong 'cause that just ain't healthy. it's also an unattainable standard for those of us living in the real world, having to work five days a week, battle rush hour traffic & deal with family. where would we find the 4+ hours a day to work out? & would we really be able to sustain that over time? me thinks not.
overall, i do like the show. i get sucked into rooting for my favorites & hoping that they do well. i've thought about auditioning for the show in the past. ok, i actually did audition back in december 2004 in minneapolis at the rock bottom brewery. but i never got a call back. guess i wasn't charming enough or something. but it was insane how many people were there, hundreds & hundreds, we were interviewed in groups of ten, we each got basically one minute to pitch our case, & that was after standing in line for a few hours. personally, i think i would've been fabulous on the show. i'm a dynamic person, with a great smile, & believe it or not, very little shame when it comes to shaking it on national tv in a sports bra & biker shorts. hell, i'd strip as much clothing off my body to make me as streamlined & light as i could for the scale. at home i weight myself bare ass nekkid, & that's only 'cause i'm blind as a bat without my glasses.
if i planned on being fat & needing the show i'd audition again, but i can't be fat anymore. i just, i can't, i'm at the end of my rope. *sighs* more about that in another blog.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
tick, tick, slide that ticker girl!
when i started those weekly weigh ins all the way back in july my starting weight for that first one was 272 lbs. now, ten weeks later, i'm one & a half pounds more than that, but i've had quite a roller coaster ride of ups & downs in between. it makes me happy that i'm moving in the right direction & i'm really going to work hard in the next week so that i can at least stay the same or possibly get down into the 272 range.
i know it sounds so kindergarten, but i love having my calendar hanging above my tv at home & putting my stickers on there each night as i keep track of my exercise & water consumed. i love peeling off those little lisa frank stickers & affixing them to the pastel page, writing in the number of steps i've walked. it felt so awesome writing in my weight this morning & seeing that it was less than my weight from last week. it also serves as a really great visual reminder of how well, or how not so well, i've been doing as of late.
even though i'm happy at this exact moment about the nice number that showed up on the scale this morning, i'm still kind of mad at myself that i've wasted most of 2006. when the year turned & i was still doing my training over at bren road i was doing so well with working out, jenn & i would spend a couple hours at the gym, i was gradually losing weight, building up my stamina, & feeling so great. then i hurt my achilles, was restricted from working out for eight weeks, & then it just all kind of went to hell in a hand basket front here.
yeah, no crying over consumed milk shakes, i get it. but i still can't help but give a small sigh & wish that i would've done better for myself in the mean time. then again, it also falls under that cliche of those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it. so i just need to summon up the triggers that led me to failing on this whole thing in the past so that i can do my best to avoid them in the future.
keeping this blog does help, & yet, it's a very strange creature too. i've been very honest in revealing my weight here, some of my deepest ponderings & emotions. & i know some of the people who are reading my tales. i've had friends comment & i can name some of the people who are reading because i know them. & then, there's probably total strangers reading this. people who i've never met, & will probably never met, reading all of this very personal things about my life. & then there's the whole issue that i put all of this in writing, out on the internet, for anyone to read, & yet, most of these things are things that i wouldn't say in public. i'd never go up to most of my friends & boldly declare that i weigh this much. i wouldn't admit that i've been this unhappy about so many things. it's kind of like keeping a diary that everyone has a key to.
i'm not saying that any of this bothers me. or that i'm thinking about changing how i write in my blogs. because i'm not planning to do either one of those. i do plan on continuing on, just as i have been. & hoping that i gain a few more readers. a bit more internet infamy. & who knows, my loyal readers & friends, i just may bring some of you into all of that. scott has told jenn that she's blog famous. i really do have other friends, it's just most of them don't offer such fertile blog material. so the question goes out, how often do you need to be mentioned before you're blog famous?
i know it sounds so kindergarten, but i love having my calendar hanging above my tv at home & putting my stickers on there each night as i keep track of my exercise & water consumed. i love peeling off those little lisa frank stickers & affixing them to the pastel page, writing in the number of steps i've walked. it felt so awesome writing in my weight this morning & seeing that it was less than my weight from last week. it also serves as a really great visual reminder of how well, or how not so well, i've been doing as of late.
even though i'm happy at this exact moment about the nice number that showed up on the scale this morning, i'm still kind of mad at myself that i've wasted most of 2006. when the year turned & i was still doing my training over at bren road i was doing so well with working out, jenn & i would spend a couple hours at the gym, i was gradually losing weight, building up my stamina, & feeling so great. then i hurt my achilles, was restricted from working out for eight weeks, & then it just all kind of went to hell in a hand basket front here.
yeah, no crying over consumed milk shakes, i get it. but i still can't help but give a small sigh & wish that i would've done better for myself in the mean time. then again, it also falls under that cliche of those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it. so i just need to summon up the triggers that led me to failing on this whole thing in the past so that i can do my best to avoid them in the future.
keeping this blog does help, & yet, it's a very strange creature too. i've been very honest in revealing my weight here, some of my deepest ponderings & emotions. & i know some of the people who are reading my tales. i've had friends comment & i can name some of the people who are reading because i know them. & then, there's probably total strangers reading this. people who i've never met, & will probably never met, reading all of this very personal things about my life. & then there's the whole issue that i put all of this in writing, out on the internet, for anyone to read, & yet, most of these things are things that i wouldn't say in public. i'd never go up to most of my friends & boldly declare that i weigh this much. i wouldn't admit that i've been this unhappy about so many things. it's kind of like keeping a diary that everyone has a key to.
i'm not saying that any of this bothers me. or that i'm thinking about changing how i write in my blogs. because i'm not planning to do either one of those. i do plan on continuing on, just as i have been. & hoping that i gain a few more readers. a bit more internet infamy. & who knows, my loyal readers & friends, i just may bring some of you into all of that. scott has told jenn that she's blog famous. i really do have other friends, it's just most of them don't offer such fertile blog material. so the question goes out, how often do you need to be mentioned before you're blog famous?
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