standing at the crossroads

once upon a time, there was a fat girl. & while her body carried more weight than it really should, she was still very pretty. but the extra flesh caused her to shy away from certain activities for much of her life for fear that she would be rejected simply because she was the fat girl. & while for many years she did find solace, comfort, & friendship in sweets & comfort foods. hiding behind her food fetishes, swallowing her hurt bite by bite, squeezing her eyes tight to stop the flow of the tears. it became a weary habit. the sweets turning to saw dust in her mouth as another day slipped into another & she was in her teens, & then out of highschool, into her twenties & her life was falling by her like sand through open fingers.

every new year she promised herself it would be the last year she'd be fat. every year since she was eleven, or maybe even ten. & then finally one day in the middle of the nevada desert she was sick of her life running, wasted, like the sand, & decided to change. & it was as easy as that, as deciding that not only would she change, but she could, & she did, for a while.

for the first time it was the fat girl's turn to shine in the spot light. & she had confidence, & grace& sensuality oozing from every pore of her body. & the boys flocked. & she glowed. & somehow, in the new found self hidden within the fat cells she found an identity behind the secret eating, avoided eye contact, & super sized clothing. she found out who she was. & she liked it & liked herself.

& then she fell. in love. perhaps. & gained again. fifty pounds in what seemed like over night, but was more like a couple months. & the years of work & struggle, which didn't seem like struggle at the time, but in retrospect were struggle & sacrifice, were for nothing. & the cute size 16 jeans still hung on her wall. the tags still attached. never worn.

one day, our girl woke up, without the boy, & it was ok. cause it really was more about the journey, not the destination. or rather, not a set destination. & it was about the person she became in the time, & the fat girl realized that to be happy she had to be selfish. had to put herself first. meditate. serach her heart. stare directly into her future. her mortality. beyond her mortality. to define her life.

somewhere in the middle of all of that, she found herself going down a path she swore she'd never follow, the road that would take her to surgically altering her body for good. for weight loss. for her health? & so now the fat girl stands at the crossroads. still struggling to become thin & healthy on her own. but with the allure of surgery glowing in the near distance, two thirds through the approval process, onto the last leg of the journey.

she knows thin does not equal happiness. or perfection. or peace. but she feels deep inside it does equal a better quality of life. more opportunities. the chance to do - & she feels that her fat is holding her back. & yeah, she'll go from being the fat girl, to just the girl. & that's ok too. but she stands now, the fork in the road now clearly visible in front of her. the two paths still one, but now wider. she can continue on as she has been, struggling on her own, seeming to continually fail, or she can ask for help & hope, feverently hope, that help combined with will power & sheer determination will pull her through in the end.

& as the path widens she zig-zags between the two choices. knowing her will power is strong, but weak as well. her determination is there. her vision is there. but not yet believing she can do it on her own. & not wanting to admit that she's weak & can't do it on her own. & trying to see herself twenty years in the future, looking back on this moment, being proud of the choice she made, but not knowing which it will be in the end.

the crossroads are visible ahead, just like the fables say, & the devil's there with his deal. but she doesn't know who's the devil, who's her savior, & which choice will redeem her soul.