nuff with the procrastinating! or so i thought. . .

i really thought that today was DO OR DIE day for me when it comes to the major life altering decision of the GB. i had it in my head that i had to know for 100% sure, none of that ept (99.999% sure) crap, that i really wanted to, or not wanted to, do the surgery. & further more that if i was indeed going ahead with the surgery i had to pick which surgery before i showed up at HCMC today. &, oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, i didn't have to be to that for really sure point.

which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.

even though, i really thought that i was.

if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.

let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?

maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.

granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.

so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.

all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.

what happened to my tuesday/thursday girls?

today riley totally called me out on my lack of exercise outside of the training sessions. granted, week before last i was sick, so i did have a pass then, but i wasn't sick last week, i was just kind of being lazy. i did go in for personal training on tuesday, & then again on thursday when jenn was out of town (& that one cost significantly more expensive!) but besides that i didn't go at all. no extra cardio. nothing at all. well...i did shovel snow for about 2-3 hours with the white out that we received at the end of last week, but yeah, doesn't really count.

so i'm down a total of 13.4 lbs from january 8th, which isn't too shabby, that's an average of 1.625 lbs a week. which is a pretty decent rate, if i can keep that up by the time my birthday rolls around i can have lost another 20-ish pounds, which i would definitely love. but, deep down, ok, not even really THAT deep, i know that if i just watch what i'm eating more closely & if i get in five days of cardio a week & five days of weight training that i can lose much more than that. sometimes it's really hard to find the motivation.

as lame as it is, often it's much more appealing to go home, watch the most recent episode of gilmore girls curled up under my covers, & that really is what i feel like doing tonight. just cocooning myself until tomorrow morning when i have to get up & go into work again. at this moment i'm thinking that i should go to the Y, even though i REALLY don't want to, then again, i did get an hour workout in this morning, weight training, but that doesn't help me toward the end of trying to get in those cardio sessions.

what did happen to riley's tuesday/thursday girls? is it just that with time your interest has peaks & valleys? is it the snow which makes everything so oppressive & makes you want to go home as quick as possible & get cuddled up into cozy blankets? is it because it's tuesday & i'm tired? because, despite my steady results, i still have a feeling that all of this really is way too much too handle? how about we just chalk it up to a couple of bad weeks, quit the whining, & start focusing on the long term goals again.

yeah, that sounds pretty dang decent.

start the prayer chain now, pretty please?

so i am now, pretty near, officially certifiable crazy.

next week miss jenn will be out of town on thursday for a family shin-ding back on the east coast, which means she'll be missing our thursday training session with riley. & instead of just training on my own, i decided, "i have a bit of extra cash, why not treat myself & do a training session on thursday?"

now, the great thing about the GROUP personal training, besides the lower cost for an hour session, is that riley has to divide his time & attention between me & jenn. a week from today, from 9am-10am he will have his attention focused just on me. oh holy hell. even as i sit here, my legs smarting from the squats from this morning, i'm wondering what i got myself into.

& next week we're switching leg & arm days. so i'll be spending AN HOUR doing upper body with riley. with no jenn. no one else. oy. double oy.

have you ever been in a fat girl? would you like to be?

it's official. jenn & i shouldn't go anywhere together. we're like a walking comedy show. last night we went to the gym, which i totally didn't want to go, but did anyway so that i can get my credit for my at-least-eight-times-per-month for my membership discount. & yeah, i know i'm in this competition, trying to avoid the slicey-dicey & all that jazz. but i was throwing a major three year old tantrum complete with floor kicking. & cramps. & then when we were there jenn told me that we were going to spend an hour on the ellipticals.

jesus bobby! & yesterday my abs & upper body were screaming from the torture of my tuesday workout. so i was one hurting unit, to quote my father. but i hung up my coat & slunk into the gym anyway & hopped myself onto my favorite elliptical to do some interval training. i think i mentioned this before, but riley has jenn & i doing interval cardio, so for two minutes we'll go along easy as pie & then push as hard & fast as we can for two minutes, then back to the pie. ((mmmm....pie....)) which, this whole thing is a lot harder than it sounds. i challenge you to do 30minutes on a treadmill, elliptical, or exercise bike however you normally would. then the next day, go back & do the interval. it will ki-ck your ass, in a good way.

i had my time set for an hour because, well jesus bobby, miss jenn said we were doing an hour, & it's just not acceptable to sit in the middle of the Y & read the subtitles on medium without actually doing any kind of sweating or exertion. & for some reason the interval training was just killing me yesterday. my lungs were on fire. i could feel that my face was hot, most likely fire engine red, & i was literally dripping sweat. i kept wiping my face with my scratchy Y towel. at about twenty minutes in, i reached up to wipe my forehead again, this time without said towel, & something didn't feel quite right. & that's when i realized i never took off my winter hat. over my bandana i was wearing my cute turquoise stocking cap with the white snowflake embroidered on it.

& i'm not entirely sure, but pretty close to sure, that i made a very weird face when i made this realization because jenn happened to look at me just as i realized i'd been killing myself on the elliptical for almost 20 minutes & i wouldn't've been so freakin hot if i would've taken off my hat. nice, eh? & jenn started laughing uncontrollably from whatever the odd expression it was on my face when i realized i'd been working out with a hat on for twenty minutes, she actually had to take a personal moment, pause & collect her thoughts to keep her from falling off the elliptical. oy, that's all i need is to be responsible for her untimely death at the Y due to a fall from cardio equipment.

we each only lasted 30 minutes of interval training on the elliptical, so then we decided we wanted to get in a full hour. i decided to do the exercise bike because, well, i got to sit on my ass, where as the treadmill would have meant doing interval training i would have to do something far too close to running for my personal comfort. eventually my bad self will run because, well, it's on my list of 1001 things, but wednesday was not the day.

while i happily intervaled my way along on the bike listening to augustana & dividing my attention between the twins game & the cnn coverage of the "astronaut love triangle" jenn was behind me nearly dying on the cardio equipment. too bad exercise bikes don't have rear view mirrors, i may have been able to see what was going on, even though i wouldn't've been privy to her inner monologue. which, as it turns out, was pretty damn funny.

now i wasn't going to do interval training on the treadmill because of the afore mentioned running that would have to take place. jenn on the other hand, not only felt up to the challenge, but faced it head on with a heart of moxie. she told me that after her two minutes, she upped the speed & started her running, & she managed to run about 1/10 of a mile before she decreases the speed & went into her "resting" phase. & while she was doing her resting she imagined telling riley the next day how she did. & some how in the midst of her day dream she was trying to convey how difficult it can be for a fat girl to run. except. she phrased the question, to her inner imaginary riley, as: have you ever been in a fat girl? which was completely & totally innocent at the inception of the question. & then turned dirty with a quick flick of the tongue to, would you like to be?

oh stop.

all she had meant was, had he ever been a fat girl. er, had he ever been fat? er, out of shape? um, had he ever put on the gwenneth paltrow fat girl suit? in any case, it was a conversation that never wound up occurring, because, well, he just may take that the wrong way. the whole would you like to be in a fat girl, yeah, wee bit inappropriate. & we want to do some more training with him before he realizes how inappropriate we can be at times. & by then he'll love us both for the fan-ta-bulous people we are that he won't want to lose us as clients so he'll put up with, & encourage, our inappropriate behavior.

it's a good thing you're cute

in our original interview with riley jenn said something about needing someone to kick her ass in the gym. & riley did remember that come tuesday. damn. & that's what he did on tuesday. double damn.

on tuesday we started with upper body. lifting free weights. using some of the machines to do rows, high cable flys, low cable flys. & then using exercise balls to do ball bench press, back extensions & tricep exercises. & on wednesday i felt it. a lot. do you realize that when driving you do actually use your triceps? an amazing, & painful revelation. but great at the same time. because i felt like i got a great work out in on tuesday, used muscles that had been laying dormant for some time. & the pain felt good.

hurt so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should, you make me, hurt so good.

um, yeah, once again, not karaoke night.

on wednesday i could barely get my jacket on because my arms & shoulders were pretty sore.
& even though jenn & i were both in pain, we made it to the Y that night, did a half hour each on the elliptical, taking riley's suggestion to do interval training. so basically go for a minute or two, get our heart rates up, then kick it up, go as fast & hard as you can for two minutes, then back off, let your heart rate & breathing drop down for two minutes. & repeat. & THAT really kicked my ass too, in a good way. i felt like i got a much more intense workout in those 30 minutes than i usually get by doing the weight loss program on the machine.

when i left the Y wednesday night my heart was racing, my lungs were burning, my legs were worn out, & my upper body was still one giant ache. i limped home, & went to sleep hoping to feel better in the morning.

& by yesterday morning, our second appointment with riley, i was feeling better & pretty optimistic about things to come. & what came was a lower body workout. ouch. & he remembered the whole ass kicking thing again. double ouch.

& then, because he's cute, with the brightest blue eyes & most adorable smile, i couldn't wimp out. so i pushed myself hard to try everything he suggested. & when he asked if the weights were ok or just light, i actually said, they're a little light, let's bump it up. jesus bobby. i'm really not a masochist, but when you're paying $35 an hour for personal training, you may as well get the most out of it, right? & that's exactly what i did.

today i woke up because i could feel the muscles in my big toes crying out in pain. i didn't even know that i had worked out the muscles in my big toes. but evidently i did. cause they were letting me know they hurt. along with my calves, thighs, glutes....basically everything, even that muscle at the very top of your inner thigh.

have i mentioned that i live in a basement? with no bathroom or kitchen facilities in said basement? getting ready for work this morning was definitely an adventure. & it seems like my legs are getting more & more sore with more time. so that i'm walking more funny now than when i woke up this morning with the aching toes. stairs are NOT my friend right now.

& then yesterday riley suggested that jenn & i try to weight train 4 days a week, so two with him & two on our own. & i was thinking for me the weekends would be the best time for me to do weight training. which means i should try the upper body workout tomorrow & the legs on sunday. & once again, cause he's gorgeous i don't want to punk out. so my dumb ass will be getting to school early enough tomorrow to work out & shower before my class starts. jesus bobby.

the very last stop

one thing that they want to make sure of, at least at HCMC, is that before you make that drastic move of getting gastric bypass that you have really truly honest injin tried every single thing that you could in order to lose weight on your own. & i've been there. i did slim fast, metabo life, richard simmons, just about every program you can think of for weight loss. i've done meal replacements, i've done drastic changes to my diet, diet pills, working with a nutritionist, doctor supervised monthy monitoring...i mean EVERYTHING. & still, here i am weighing in at 260-something & while i have come down from my overall highest weight of 323, so that's about 50-ish pounds gone for good, it isn't enough for me.

my surgeon consult is set for friday february 9th, at 8am. so just under two weeks & i'll be sitting down to meet with the surgeon, he'll write a letter to my insurance company telling them that i'm the perfect candidate for surgery cause i've tried all the afore mentioned methods & i'm still a fat pig. ok, he'll be more professional than that in his letter, but that'll be the general tone of the letter.

& that brings me to what jenn & i just did today. no, nothing remotely thelma & louise-ish, & for you dirty boys in the crowd, nothing girl gone wild, or even just girls on too much schnapps-ish. we went to the Y & signed up for a personal trainer.

dum-da-da!

yeah. about that. we were just going to do their free program called fit start, which would've been great for us a year ago when i was able to do a whole minute on the elliptical before falling off & declaring that i would indeed die a painful death from my lungs bursting. the fit start is basically a twelve week program that gives people a wee bit of guidance while they find their way off the couch & onto a treadmill. luckily, i'm beyond that point. not where i would like to be, by any means, but still better off than i was a year ago.

so riley went over fit start with us, & jenn & i both quickly came to the realization that it was too basic for our current needs. so we decided to take the plunge & go for personal training. for group training it's $35/person/session. EEK! but the sessions are an hour long, & since we have similar goals it should work out well. so we're starting with two sessions a week, which means we'll be shelling out $70 a week to go into the Y & have a beautiful boy spend time with us. YUM. oh wait, i mean we'll be spending $70 a week to get focused weight training to increase fitness & health. yeah, that's it.

it's a lot of cash, admittedly, but if i really am going to admit defeat & say that yup, i need to go for the surgery, then i need to be abso-positively-fuckin-lutely sure that there is not anything more that i possibly could've done on my own to change things. & while if i stick to the on my own way, it will take longer, i think that i may get more satisfaction out of it.