holiday hangover

i think i ingested five & a half pounds of sugar over the past two days. my tummy is pretending it's a sailor & tying itself in knots, my blood is slogging through my body laden down with the sugar crystals, & my head is heavy & fuzzy, & all i wanna do is sleep.

oh holy hell i feel like crap!

& here i swore i'd never do that to myself again. never again would i stuff my face so full of food that i felt hung over the next day from the excess, & yet, oops, i did it again. except without the pop soundtrack, skimpy clothes, or suggestive dance.

what is it about christmas, or any holiday for that matter, that makes us not only feel it's ok to over indulge, but makes us feel entitled to gorge ourselves past our limits?

i won't do this to myself on new years eve, i guar-en-tee it.

just 'cause it's a vacation doesn't mean the rules are null & void

so i'm sitting right now in a hotel room in west des moines iowa, on a little mini vacation. basically it came about like this:

josh: hey beckah, whatcha doing saturday?
me: meh, nothin' really, why?
josh: i kinda want to do something, i have some time off work
me: what're you thinking?
josh: iowa for ribs?
me: omigod, that's exactly what i was thinking!

& while i'd only been kinda half thinking of iowa for ribs, the idea kinda grew on me. & with next week being a half week at work & all, i thought "eh, what the hell, a small trip out of town will be ok. & hopefully i'll be able to give myself some writing time while i'm at it."

so far no real writing has been done, but i've painted my fingernails a lovely shade of lime green. we had dinner at bennigan's & i had a bowl of soup & split a desert with jack. so far no regular pop, no alcohol, no snacks, no real breaking of the rules. & it's hard 'cause i do have this mentality that when i go on vacation it's a total fuckin' free for all.

exhibit a: the april trip to san francisco for my tattoo. we went to the stinking rose & indulged in yummy garlicky good food. we had in & out burger double-doubles three times, two each time with fries, of course, & then the snacks & the alcohol & chocolate & ice cream. & i basically took a nice little break from reality. & with the GP looming on the horizon i need to change a lot more than just what & when i eat. i need to revolutionize my relationship with food & how i think of my socializing time.

i really don't know if it's just an american thing, or a minnesotan thing, or if it really is universal, but in my world socializing is very often synonymous with food. & good food. & lots of it. most often when i'm with my friends & family when i'm eating it's not even necessarily because i'm really hungry, but a lot of it is all about opportunity. just like our dear friend kevin costner was told "if you build it, they will come," if the food is there i'll eat it. yeah, i know, totally a fat girl thing to do, but it's more of a human thing. i've noticed that a lot of not fat people will munch on food that's in front of them even if they're not hungry.

it also helps my resolve that i spent a great deal of time this morning at the Y, almost an hour & a half of serious exercise. that really does make me less likely, typically, to sabotage myself with food. then again, tomorrow i'm going to be at hickory park with my face in a plate full of ribs, but not like i do that every day. there is a gym here at the hotel, & even though it's about quarter after 2 am, i'm seriously contemplating a wee bit of sweat time before we check out. or i may start working on those 50,000 words before i turn in for the night. or i may just turn off my lappy & cuddle up with my pink fuzzy hello kitty pillow.

sometimes i hate the weekends

yeah, so basically all of my good eating & hard work went straight out the window this past weekend. i had pizza, long island ice tea, french fries, smore's malt, a chili dog. . . .ugh, i feel sick just thinking about all of it. & it's not like any of it was really any good. ok, the long islands were pretty tasty, & the after effects of those were SO nice, but other than that, the rest of it was not even worth it!

& that's the frustrating part. that i've been busting my butt all week long, working out before work, after work, eating those stupid lean cuisines with no snacks, resisting the cakes & donuts & danishes & all of that at work all week long. then the weekend comes along & it's as if all of my restraint & will power is left behind me at my cube in minnetonka.

i know there's a difference in the motivations behind eating. & this past weekend i wasn't eating because i was hungry, to fuel my body. i was eating because i was: bored, upset, it was there, any & all of the above. & yeah, i know that's a bad thing to do, it's not healthy, in any way. & it's a behavior that i really need to change for good. i mean, i thought that i really had changed it, but i guess this also proves that sometimes in times of extreme stress it's much too easy to revert to the old familiar habits that have been your long time companions. too bad mine haven't always been something like yoga or biking. then again, i'm not dead yet, so there's still time to change it all.

this past weekend wasn't all bad. i did see an interview on you tube with david grohl, thanks to miss jenn, that really made me pause & consider the way that i've been living my life. he kept saying that he feels so lucky to be able to spend his life doing something that he actually enjoys. & that he doesn't feel like music is work. in a way my situation is not terribly dissimilar in that i want to be a writer, it doesn't really feel like work to me. the biggest difference is that while he's getting paid to live my dream i'm working two jobs that are just OK in order to survive & meanwhile i'm letting my writing slip to the side.

the other thing he said is that every day he wakes up thankful to be alive & have another day to live. yeah, semi hokey, i'll admit that. but there's also something to be said for that thinking. right now i wake up many days dreading what's to come. work, bills, all of that crap, & i'm not really taking any time to experience the joy that life has to offer. & that's not good. i used to take great joy in the beauty & the wonder in each & every day, even the ones that i wasn't so jazzed about like the frigid cold days in winter, or the ones where i would really rather curl up in bed than go to work, but even then i found something to appreciate in the day.

is jello mocking fat people?

so i was watching the biggest loser yesterday on tape, since i have to work 'til 8pm my dearest set my vcr to record the season premier for me on wednesday. yes yes, one day we WILL join the 21st century & get tivo or the like, for now, while residing with my 'rents, the video cassette recorder will just have to do. anyway, i'm watching the biggest loser, & i come to a realization, it's being sponsored by jello (you must check this website, roll your mouse a bit over the sections, disturbing, no?) the $250,000 grand prize for the fatty whose dropped the most weight is offered by jello! now let's ponder this for a moment.

i realized that somehow this seems very very wrong. now being a fatty myself, & i'm sure that most of you out there on the net can agree with this, many fat people jiggle when they move. fat is by no means as stoic as muscle, it tends to wiggle wobble & flop all over the place. anyone remember the simpsons episode where dr. hibbert set homer's fat to jiggling? yeah, not a pretty sight, but there's sometimes truth in cartoons. arms, bellies, thighs, butts all kind of roll & move on their own accord in an odd relationship with gravity.

now think about jello. think about jello on a plate, maybe at a pot luck or family reunion? it trembles, wobbles, wiggles all over the place. much like a fat physique when put in motion. so it seems very wrong that a food, which the "regular version" is mostly sugar, is sponsoring a competition to lose weight. why doesn't budweiser just sponsor aa meetings too? isn't there a certain sence of irony in all of this?

well the lightbulb was glowing quite brightly above my noggin, i paused the tv, shouted over to jack in his room saying "i think it's wrong that jello is sponsoring the biggest loser!" he asked my reasoning & i explained, & then asked him "haven't you ever seen me run?" to which he replied, "yeah, & it's pretty funny to watch."

--pause--

yes, the boy is still alive. lucky for him he was out of my reach & i didn't feel like jumping over my dog & leaping hands first at his neck. i love him dearly, but sometimes jack has all the tact of a twenty pound sledge hammer to the base of the skull. guess that's what happens when you go for a younger guy, eh?

for anyone who hasn't watched the show, the premise is that nbc brings 14 very obese people to a ranch in california to learn how to exercise, eat healthy, & lose weight. they're divided into two teams, the red & the blue, each led by a personal trainer, (bob harper & kim lyons). at the end of each week on the ranch they have a weigh in, & the team with the least percentage of weight lost goes to elimination & then has to vote off one member of their team. like survivor but for fat people. now the whole point of the contestants being there is to become firmer, leaner, & less resembling of the famed gelatin, which is why it seems so very wrong for jello to be the biggest sponsor of this show.

as long as i'm harping on biggest loser, i'd like to add two other things. #1 is i signed up for their mailing list because i'm too damn cheap to pay to be in their club, & at least once a day i get emails advertising diet pills, surgery, weight loss shakes, & all other sorts of things that are the very antithesis of what the show itself is promoting. which happens to be losing weight through the oh so magically simple equation of calories in/calories out, meaning burn more than you consume. {{didja note the sarcasm there, huh huh huh?}}

& 2# is that while the show is inspirational in that these people lose a bunch of weight, become health nuts & really improve their quality of life, that it is unrealistic for a person in the real world to routinely lose 8-20+ lbs per week, unless they've undergone bariatric surgery. if i went in to my doctor' office saying that i'd been losing 5 lbs a week for a month they'd put me in the hospital to find out what's wrong 'cause that just ain't healthy. it's also an unattainable standard for those of us living in the real world, having to work five days a week, battle rush hour traffic & deal with family. where would we find the 4+ hours a day to work out? & would we really be able to sustain that over time? me thinks not.

overall, i do like the show. i get sucked into rooting for my favorites & hoping that they do well. i've thought about auditioning for the show in the past. ok, i actually did audition back in december 2004 in minneapolis at the rock bottom brewery. but i never got a call back. guess i wasn't charming enough or something. but it was insane how many people were there, hundreds & hundreds, we were interviewed in groups of ten, we each got basically one minute to pitch our case, & that was after standing in line for a few hours. personally, i think i would've been fabulous on the show. i'm a dynamic person, with a great smile, & believe it or not, very little shame when it comes to shaking it on national tv in a sports bra & biker shorts. hell, i'd strip as much clothing off my body to make me as streamlined & light as i could for the scale. at home i weight myself bare ass nekkid, & that's only 'cause i'm blind as a bat without my glasses.

if i planned on being fat & needing the show i'd audition again, but i can't be fat anymore. i just, i can't, i'm at the end of my rope. *sighs* more about that in another blog.

blame it on the napkin

talk about subtle advertising! i'm sitting at my desk in my cube on the fifth floor with my glorious view of the sun setting & carlson towers when i realize i'm hungry. i'm dang hungry. i'm so hungry i could, eat my napkin! & that's when i realize i'm being affected by very well placed subliminal advertising by my favorite coffee shop, caribou.

i happen to have a small stash of their square white napkins here at my desk, little souvenirs from my last large chai tea latte, so i had one sitting next to my keyboard, a remnant of something or other, & the whole time it's been staring at me. talking to me. sub-liminaling me, or maybe even liminaling me! & the napkin is saying to me under the banner of "espresso truths," "you look hungry." & then if that weren't enough, it follows up on the bottom right, next to the gleefully leaping caribou "Why not have a cookie?"

it's a conspiracy i tell ya, my napkin is trying to make me fat! telling me to get a cookie, that i'm really hungry & my fat self oughta be chompin on something right this minute.

ok, so it's not really the napkin's fault, or my beloved caribou's, they're both just trying to be cheeky, which of course i love! but i am hungry. & the drinkable chicken & stars with a few sad little saltines are not helping. &, for the record, water does NOT effin' fill me up.

now the keebler elves are talking to me from the bottom drawer of my desk. help me, please, don't let the liminal get me!

my fair gluttony

here in the twin cities we're in the midst of the minnesota state fair, officially known as the "great minnesota get together." unofficially known as the "great minnesota get fat together." basically, if it's deep fried, & on a stick, then it's at the fair. also, if it's deep fried & on a stick, there's a good chance i had a bite of it this past saturday.

as part of our employee appreciation week my company gave each employee two free gate tickets & two free tshirts to wear to the fair. yippee, i love swag! the tickets were only good for this past saturday, so jack & jenn & i rounded up the crew & headed out to the fairgrounds. we had two fair noobs (aka virgins) with us, the lovely miss jenn & the lovely miss becky, neither of whom have ever been! i know, tragic. jenn's excuse is that she's never been in minnesota during the summer, ok, that one i grudgingly accept. becky's excuse is that she lived in brainerd, which is no excuse in my book, it's not like she was in canada or something. love you miss becky : )

i've heard that, on average, minnesotans are some of the healthiest eaters in the country. my theory is that we need to eat that way for 52 weeks of the year to combat the cardiac catastrophe that is the state fair. now way back when the state fair, like most state fairs, was a chance for folks from all over the state to gather & show off their: a) farm animals b) quilts & c) other farm related wares. & then of course truck on up to machinery hill to check out the new tractors & other farm equipment. you will still find those things at the fair, along with a talent show & lots of concerts. but most people now go for the food.

ask any regular fair go-er & they'll list for you their must haves of the fair year. food that can only be gotten for ten days of the year, right before, & including, labor day. some of the favs are: cheese curds, mini donuts, sweet martha's cookies, roasted corn on the cob, fresh milk shakes, french fries, & root beer. now that's just an educated guess with a little bit of tampering from my own favorites.

so if it's the same year after year, why do you go, you ask? ah, well it's not the same year after year. each year something new appears which we must try. this year we tried four new items: hotdish on a stick, beer battered brat on a stick, red bull freeze, & deep fried chocolate chip cookies. my favorite were the last two. the hotdish was ok, definitely better than the spaghetti & meatballs from last year.

i will admit that i had: 1 1/2 foot longs, part of a deep fried 3 musketeers, bites of 3 different kinds of nutrolls, half a smore, an rc cola, a bite of alligator sausage, a bite of a reuben on a stick, dippin' dots, a bite of a gyro, a few spoonfuls of ligonberry ice cream, a bag of mini donuts, some sweet martha's cookies, half an ear of roasted corn, 3/4 of an order of cheesecurds, lots of root beer, fresh squeezed lemonade, a chocolate malt, a red bull freeze, deep fried chocolate chip cookies, 25% of a hotdish on a stick (with mushroom dipping sauce), & i think that's about it.

it was quite a day. i'm just now slowly waking up from the food coma. talk about over indulgence. of course i was miserable at the end of the day. my feet were tired from toting around all this weight. & i was hot & sweaty. & my sweat was sweating. but all in all it was a good day. to quote a good friend: "it's a great way to end a legacy, with one last over indulgence, the biggest of them all, the state fair."

i did enjoy myself, but i think i really am ready to quit letting food control my life. i need it for fuel, but it really doesn't make me happy. it doesn't help me to achieve anything. all my preoccupation does is keep me from doing what i want. my dependence & addiction keep me from striving for all those goals that i keep talking about. but talking never really gets you anywhere, unless you're a politician. & thank you, but threadbare as they are, i'd still like to keep my morals.

& after josh gets done with his surgery he said exercise is going to be his new addiction & he's taking jack & i along with him, whether we want to or not! so i guess it's fitness here i come. or get fit or die trying? just remember gang, if i kick the bucket over 200lbs get some of the minnesota vikings to be pall bearers & make sure i'm immortalized on mydeathspace.com.

mechanically delicious

today, & yesterday too, my lunch consisted of a piece of buttered bread & a bowl of robot pasta with meat sauce. YUM! now my dear hunny-bunny was mocking the robot pasta, so i ask, what's wrong with a 29 year old woman enjoying a nice hot bowl of robot pasta with some prego spaghetti sauce? it's nutritious & fun too! the pasta has three different shapes of robot heads & little wrenches too. it makes meal time fun. & further more it's yummy yummy yummy in my tummy. besides, i'm a true believer in the theory that when you stop having fun & start to act like a responsible adult, that you begin to die a little bit. & really, where is the fun in that?

as far as nutrition goes, yeah, not the greatest, but i am keeping it to a 1-cup serving of pasta & approximately that much meat sauce also, & just one piece of bread. which is quite a down sizing of food compared to what i would've dished up even a few months ago. jenn did point out, rather glumly, that even though it didn't look like a lot of food to either one of us, it is still probably a lot more food than you'll find in your average smart ones or lean cuisine meal. which brings me to my main point of the day, why does diet food have to feel like you're depriving yourself. if you feel like you're missing out on something you're going to want to do it even more.

case in point: as a kid i never got to stay up until midnight on new year's eve. my parents would always have their friends over, play cards, have an appetizer buffet, & us kids could stay up until 9 or 10 pm snacking on the food & then it was off to bed right away. when i was twelve i was finally allowed to stay up until midnight & i was so disappointed by the reality of new year's eve. they just sat there, playing cards, dick clark on in the background in times square, munching on taco dip & left over christmas cookies. no big hurrah, no cheering or exciting moments, just the same thing. & then at about half past midnight their friends left & my parents went o bed. now i thought i was missing out on something totally fantabulous, the reality was rather lame, at best.

that's how it is when you deprive yourself of food. you build up in your head this wonderful taste sensation. that piece of cheesecake takes on icon status, smooth, creamy, melt-in-your-mouth delicious, the absolute best food in the whole entire world, all because you can't have it. now, if instead of saying absolutely not, you say, i'll have two bites, then it's not so bad. you have your two bites, they're good, but not terrific, & you call it a day, all without feeling guilty or deprived. now the real trick is to keep it to the two bites & really be satisfied with that. & if it turns out to be utter shite then you have to cut your losses & accept that too without beating yourself up too much for a bad choice.

lately i've been in this very destructive cycle of depriving myself of sweets/treats & then going totally over board & eating everything in sight. definitely not a good thing. & then when i binge none of it tastes good anyway. i'm left feeling over stuffed, sick to my stomach, guilty, & like the biggest failure in human kind. i'm not looking for sympathy or head patting here, i'm just trying to be honest because i know that i'm not alone in this behavior, or these feelings. & i really don't see the point in being silent anymore on this issue.

i get this feeling sometimes like a lot of people in society wish that all the fatties would just up & disappear from the world. like the rapture, except instead of the godly christians, it's all the big'uns plucked out of the world leaving only their yards of clothing behind as a sign of their existence. i do try not to be so sensitive as far as being a fat person in a thin-yet-getting-plumper-by-the-minute world. but sometimes it's hard. just because i'm large doesn't mean that i'm oblivious, or automatically thick skinned. i do feel the glances & the stares that convey: hatred-disgust-fear-loathing, all in a moments look. i've had people move away from me at a doctor's office 'cause they think that the fats-a-catchin'. or shrink up close to the wall, all the while giving me wary glances, in a full elevator, like it'll be my butt that'll cause the cable to snap.

one of my hopes is that when i do get thin that i don't forget all of this. i do believe that your past molds the person you are, & i believe that being a fat kid-teen-adult has shaped me into my present self. it's colored my views, attitudes, thoughts, actions, words, & my writing. in some ways i've shut myself off too much, being teased & abused as a kid because of my weight. i have become overly sensitive at times. but yet, i've also gained a great sense of empathy for other people. i do everything i can not to intentionally harm another person, to cause them heartache or hurt feelings. i don't want to do the permanent damage to another soul that's been done to me.

but i'm not lamenting, merely reminiscing, taking a moment to look inward before i look out again. as i've always said of myself as a writer "i am god of this universe, & i'll do what i wish with it." while that's a very narcissistic view of life, in a way i am the "god" of my own path. no one really can make me feel inferior unless i allow them to, (thanks mrs. roosevelt). & i put my own feet on my path each morning with each decision i make: oatmeal or cap'n crunch? & each second there is another chance to change it, for the better, for the worse, or to just change it.

i nearly killed a woman for a grilled cheese & kettle chips

day 1 of south beach is done. i'm onto day two. it's no picnic, let me tell you that. just now in the refreshment center (our way cooler version of a breakroom), i was heating up my sad little handful of chicken to top my heaping bowl of lettuce & raw spinach when i spyed a woman sitting by the window with a plate from the cafeteria. she was taking her time savoring a big bite of a grilled cheese sandwich on wheat with a giganto handful of kettle chips. it took all my will power to keep from vaulting my fat tush over the counter & pulling a hamburgler on her, or in this case a grilled cheeseburgler.

now anyone who knows me knows that i'm normally not a violent woman, i'm actually somewhat of a hippy-beatnik-peacenik whatever you want to say. in any case definitely not one to attack a fellow human being for a petty reason. but one day without my carbs & i'm nearly foaming at the mouth for some starchy goodness. which is quite interesting because normally i'm not a huge bread, rice, or potato gal. sure, i like 'em ok, but if i'm going to binge on something it is more likely to be ice cream or candy, or something like that. something sweet & deliciously bad.

but last night man, jack made a pot roast for dinner with a huge pot of gravy. & i wanted nothing more than to make some mashed potatoes, spread 'em thick between two pieces of buttered bread & drench the entire thing in some savory beef gravy. . . & then dive in mouth first. yeah, not such a lady like action, but right now being top in miss manners' class is very last on my to-do list. last night i dreamt about a baked potato. & i'm only 24 hours into this whole thing.

now i've read the south beach diet book. which had some interesting information. & i've talked with friends at work who've done it too. & i've heard everything from "it's a piece of cake, easiest thing ever" all the way to "i thought those two weeks would never end." at this exact moment in time i'm leaning more toward the second statement rather than the first, but who knows what i'll feel tomorrow. maybe in another 24 hours i'll have a lot sunnier outlook. or just merely be defeated.

not that i'm trying to be pessimistic here gang, it's just that, well, i'm pretty much a hearty eater, as the saying goes. i was raised on pasta, & pancakes, & potatoes: mashed, boiled, fried, & hashbrowned, & hotdish (which means cream of ? soup+ground meat+rice OR potatoes OR pasta= yummy good dinner) & grilled cheese, & pb&j's, & cakes, & cookies, & nothing was diet or fat-free, lots of sugar & starchy goodness filled our cupboards. ok, granted, i grew up during the 80's when our president declared ketchup a vegetable & school's still thought it was great fun to have kids hurl kick balls at each others' heads. so there have been a few changes in society's norms since then. but all the afore mentioned foods are still near & dear to my heart.

ok, that last paragraph definitely didn't help in me chocking down my previously mentioned lunch.

that's it!

i'm sick of dealing with this whole eating thing!

it is a major pain in the butt. i don't want to deal with it anymore. i'm done thinking about carbs, fat grams, calories, processed vs unprocessed, vitamin & mineral content. i don't even get any pleasure out of food anymore, it's just become a tedious chore. if there was really any way for me to stop eating but still manage to live life i would definitely take advantage of it. this just isn't fun anymore.

buh-bye carb countdown

for the first 2-4 weeks of being on the south beach diet they're very strict about staying away from most carbs while you detox your body, so i'm having my little pity-party this weekend & saying my fond farewells to my friends, carbohydrates. it's not good bye for ever, just for a little while- - -name that movie quote for one million brownie points!

basically no potatoes, bread, pasta, or fruit for two weeks! then after that i can slowly add some of it back, but basically if it's overly processed or white ie: white bread, white potatoes, pasta made with white flour, then it should be avoided for a very long time, or for ever, depending on your cravings & tolerances. i know it sounds extreme, but hey, dying & being so mother freakin' fat that you have to hire an nfl team to carry your custom made casket from the u-haul to the grave site is also pretty extreme. ok, yeah, i'm not that big, but it also doesn't take too long to get out of control & i need to stop this at some point & with something as my motivation.

my main hope is that i'm not a south biotch for the next few weeks. i can foresee myself getting quite cranky while my body goes through sugar & carb withdrawal. but luckily i can surround myself with people that love me & will forgive me of any slight transgressions that i make during this transitional period in my life. & luckily my mom is going out of town on saturday august 5th so that she won't be around & i won't be tempted to fight with her about my wedding. i'm seriously sick of that crud.

oh, & for the record, my lovely wedding planner for the reception portion, nicole, heard my side of the story & said that my mom has definitely crossed lines & is totally on my side. then again, she is my wedding planner, so i would hope that she's on my side in this whole thing.

oh holy mis-planning batman! i'm supposed to do a tasting for the food for my wedding in a week & a half! why is this a big deal? i'll be at the end of my detoxing & i'm having my wedding catered by cossetta's. which is a very yummy italian restaurant for those of you outside of the twin cities. hmmm, this does create an interesting dilemma. well, i'll just have to go for it. because, after all, this is the food for my wedding reception, i should be able to know what it tastes like so i can make an informed decision, i'll just have to have my detox period be for closer to four weeks than two.

& as soon as i'm done detoxing then i'll be headed to the state fair where their motto is "if it's edible we'll skewer it & deep fry it." ok, that really isn't their motto, their real motto is "the great minnesota get together," but for anyone that's been to the minnesota state fair it really is a fried food festival. but most of it's very yummy. have you ever had a deep fried candy bar on a stick? i have & it's very very yummy!

so maybe i'll be detoxing for six weeks. at least i can keep exercising & do that with consistency. & soon i'll have my exercise buddy back, yippee!

ooooh! quick work update: left the company that i was with, got a job at the location that i had been contracted with, so i get to stay at my nice office with my friendly coworker's & kick ass gym! i've officially been an employee here since monday & i'm loving it. great to be home with my fuzzy pink dog with her tiara & all my heart shaped pink stickies on my monitor. life is good. now i just need to get one of those pink usb lava lamps from think geek & all will be grand.

how to become a south beachy bunny, baby:

so after much net lurking & scouring many many blogs, my favs are on the right there under the links-thingy, i've come to a conclusion. first one: i don't want my weight loss blog to me another "oh poor me, the oreo's are haunting me, whiney bitch fest" the second: is that while i loathe the atkins diet with it's "absolutely no carbs but here, eat all the bacon you want, why not top it with a steak accented with a hamburger?" i am going to try the south beach diet.

ok, i'll wait while you all regain consciousness. [checking my watch] [tap tap tappity tap tap] hello mcfly?! ok, you can wake up now.

now south beach doesn't totally eliminate carbs, i want that said first & foremost upfront here people. but it does encourage distinguishing between "good" & "bad" carbs. & the basic difference here is all in how the fuel is burned. look at good carbs like a log on a fire, it takes a while to burn, slowly fueling the fire. look at bad carbs as kindling or newspaper, sure they burn, but it doesn't take a heck of a lot of work to turn them into ash. so, with good carbs your body has to work harder to digest those foods & break them down, bad carbs almost instantly turn into sugar & hit your bloodstream fast.

i've been reading the south beach diet book, which is quite interesting actually. even if you're not into the diet you may learn some nifty stuff about your body & how you burn food & why you sometimes have the cravings you do. so far it's making a lot of sense to me. i'm by no means ready to shout the diet's praises from the roof tops, especially since i'm not even on the dang thing yet. but i'm cautiously optimistic. one of the bloggers i read, pasta queen, owes her success to the south beach diet. she's actually the one that made me interested in researching it, thanks pasta queen!

& as i was thinking back to my great weight loss of 2004/2005 i basically just start eating smarter, better, & i eliminated a lot of my cravings. duh?! so examining that closely what i saw was that i stopped eating candy, sugared pop, cake, donuts, ice cream, brownies, cookies, all of that stuff loaded with sugar & processed to death. & it was tough at first, although it did help that i was still wearing my hippy brc** shades & my world was covered by playa dust**. so i was still feeling the good vibes through most of my detox period. & then by the time those shades were lifted i was good & off the sugar & the grease.

seriously, it sounds like i'm strung out on cherry coke & cheeseburgers "come-on man, just a kids meal, please, just a little taste to tide me over. i'm hurtin' here." no, i'm not making fun of drunks or junkies, some of my best friends are recovering from one or both of these ailments, but i seriously feel that way. sometimes that craving is so utterly overwhelming i can't help it. i'm not hungry, i've had dinner, but that urge comes over me & i would do just about anything for a whopper junior, onion rings, & coke icee float. mmmm.....coke icee float....[drools] or a nice big slice of pizza with that yummy garlic dippy stuff & a nice cold mike's hard lime & of course buffalo wings....

i don't like being like this, sitting at work, staring off into space, & thinking, "damn, i should stop at kfc on my way home & get a personal pan pizza & some wings" no, not exaggerating, i hadn't been thinking of it until i started my little mini rant about wanting to not crave grease & there i go craving it. i'm like one of those fooking hamsters on those wheels. the little buggers keep trying to get some place, they think they'll get out of their cage if they just run a bit faster, but all they're really doing is getting higher up on the wheel & assuring that their little feets are going to slip right off the bars & they'll spin until they get dizzy. ((yes, feets was intentional, & it's funny but wrong to laugh at a dizzy hamster falling out of their wheel, & yes i've done it))


**too long to explain, check out the burning man website

slippery slopes

slippery slopes are really only fun when you're covered head-to-toe in mud & can't remember how many shots you've had, other than that they're a right good pain in the butt.

i feel like i'm traveling, head first, at a terrific speed, down one of said slopes. it starts off so innocently, "well maybe mcdonald's would be ok for dinner just this one night." & then every day you're stopping at some drive through or another & your car floor boards begin to look like you're living out of said car & throwing the wadded-up paper bags filled with burger wrappers & fry boxes on the floor. i will admit my guilt & accept responsibility for my portion of this culinary debacle, but i'll also readily admit that my lovely fiance has had more than his fair share of "i really don't feel like cooking can't we just stop & get something quick 'cause i'm so hungry i could eat the dashboard" moments. but even given his influence, i am a grown girl & if i don't want to stop for grease masquerading as sustenance than i need to speak up & say so.

there was a point in time that i had taken myself off sugar so completely that i couldn't eat it at all. & i had detoxed my body so that just walking into a burger king made me twenty shades of nauseous from the grease that i could just smell in the air. i did that so quickly & with such vigorous abandonment that it was nearly inevitable that i would crash. i made the change too quickly & too drastically. but, there's always a but, isn't there? but, i do think that i can do this whole thing again, just this time slower, more thoughtfully, with more purpose behind my plotting & planning. so that this time i can actually make this whole thing work.

here's the thing, while i know that other people have lost scads of weight & kept it off, & they can be good role models, i need to look to myself, not to others, for the inspiration on this one. i mean, at my heaviest i was 323 lbs. i'm not proud to admit that, eventhough i've said it before on this site, but i am proud of the fifty some pounds that i've lost since then, that i've managed to keep off. i have a good ways to go still, but if i look at it as i've lost a third of the weight that i want to lose, instead of just seeing that i have well over another 100 lbs to go, that makes it some what easier to swallow.

no matter what window dressings i put on this caper, it's still a hard thing to do, a very hard thing to do. but i like a challenge. & i like figuring things out, especially when it's said that there is no solution, that it's impossible. that makes it all the more tempting. & lately i've been getting that look at time, the one that makes me cringe & feel that my only way out is the slicey-dicey. (not that that's a bad thing, 'cause for some people it makes sense) for me, the thought makes me feel sick & all these other black sludge nasty emotions that i'd rather not bring into my happy sunshiney world.

& i also put out this plea to you, my friends, my readers, my stalkers (heya skippy), if you see me binging on ice cream, or fries, or anything not so healthy, give me a gentle nudge, or the gesture of your choice. not that i need a babysitter. but it's always nice to know that someone's on your side, looking out for you, & hoping that you succeed.

i met the devil today, & boy does he taste good!

jack & i were watching unwrapped on the food channel last week & we saw this wonderful treat being made, cinnapretzels. & we drooled, & i lusted, & we both agreed whole heartedly that they sure did look scrumdiddlyumptious. basically they're a pretzel with huge chunks of cinnamon baked in & then they have a mini-cinnabon placed in the center. then they're served with some icing over the minibon & a cup of icing for dipping. now seriously, doesn't that sound awesomely delicious?

today at target we encountered the devil himself in the target snack bar! & while i was off trying to be a good girl & get my meds jack bought a cinnapretzel with a coke zero. seriously, by the time you're consuming that many calories & that much sugar, how can a diet pop really matter? but that aside, it tasted divine. all hot & gooey & sugary-cinnamony fantastic. i died a wee little bit. totally foodgasmic.

now before i get a million & a half comments saying "yo, quit eating the sweets if you don't wanna be a fat bitch forever" i do realize that indulging like this basically makes all the hard work i'm doing futile. but to that i'll say, well at least i'm exercising instead of eating crap food & then sitting on my ass watching jerry springer. & it's not like i'm going to run to target every day & get a cinnapretzel & wash it down with a coke zero, but it was nice to try it. & it's really yummy. & i wouldn't be opposed to sharing one with my lovely fiance now & again. maybe we could get one of those international coffees to go with it so we could have a conversation spoken in nothing but fragments.
"this reminds me of..."
"that time in iowa...."
"when we went..."
"& then you...."
ok, i want to slap myself right now, holy crap that's annoying even in jest.

so if you're looking for a sugar high head over to a target food avenue & find one of those pretzels. they're chewy, sugary, cinnamony, & a wondrous treat for your taste buds. but be forewarned, they really are evil too.