surgery on the horizon

i had my last meeting with christine this morning, the dietician at hcmc. she said that i was doing really well & that she was going to pass my information onto the people that do the scheduling for the surgical team. she also said, again, that if it wasn't for my insurance requiring me to meet with her three times that she would've passed me right away on the first appointment, that feels good, i will admit, to know that i was doing everything possible to lose weight & that someone in the medical community supported me & said "yes, she needs our help to get to lose weight." it's also an odd feeling of defeat & shame. that it really & truly means that i'm failing/failed at the weight loss battle.

the psychiatrist also had good things to say about me. so the next stop on the fa(s)t train is the surgeon. at hcmc they do the meetings with the surgeons every other week. the way it was explained to me is that the surgeons alternate weeks, the meetings are on friday mornings at 8am, the surgeon meets with several people as a large group, discusses both roux-en-y & lab band surgeries, & then after the "group" meeting, the surgeon meets individually with each patient to discuss the specifics of the surgery they are interested in getting, any personal questions they have, & all of that. the surgeon writes to the insurance company including notes of the dietician, psychiatrist & all the information they have to show why this person should be approved for weight loss surgery.

the timeline is looking something like this: it'll be some time in january that i meet with the surgeon for the first time, then about 15 days to get the response from my insurance, after that is a go, then we'll look at scheduling the actual surgery, which is looking like possibly february at the earliest, depending on when all of the rest of this is going to take place. it's really odd to think that by the time spring is here that i may have surgically altered my body & the way it handles digestion meaning it'll alter the way that i interact with food.

to quote joey: WHOA!

yeah, pretty heavy stuff we're dealing with here, pun possibly intended. then again, there is still hope for me. i did lose some weight on the challenge that i did with jenn this past fall. it wasn't a total success because she won (yea jenn!) which means that i lost. the competition. some weight, but not enough. & we're starting another challenge on january 5th. that will be the starting weight day. & then hard core from there. it'll be me, jenn, & angel again. we'll also be joined by a few other coworkers. so i need to just get my ass dedicated & do what i need to. i hate to lose, ya know.

& this last competition, since it's right before the (possible) surgery, is my very last chance to do it on my own. yeah, maybe this seems a little odd to try to push myself to lose a lot of weight before i intend on getting weight loss surgery. but the thing is, if i postpone the weight loss surgery path right now, it'll take me that much longer to go through the process again if/when i fail (again) at this on my own. i really don't know for sure where i stand on this. i know that i really wish that i could do this all on my own. but i also think that i've really reached the point where i cannot do this on my own, i need some extra help. & i need to realize that there's absolutely no shame in admitting that you need someone else's help. sometimes being strong really does mean admitting that you're weak & need intervention to get yourself to the finish line.