me + my luggage = what?

the new things with airlines is no luggage no extra fee, but you want to check a bag & you're going to pay for it. when i was in cali i did a BUNCH of shopping & got some nifty new stuff (mainly clothes, but also some dvds & new lights for my bedroom). so i had to buy myself a duffel bag to get all my stuff home because i didn't feel like boxing it up & shipping it, or making dev ship it for me. so yesterday morning at the airport i had to pay an extra $40 to get myself & my luggage both back home. i know, highway robbery. it was $15 for the first bag & $25 for the second one, but, i did get tons of stuff out there & it was pretty cheap. i know shipping it probably would've been cheaper, but, like i said i didn't want to deal with that.

so the airport employee had my bags up on the scale & just for kicks i asked how much it weighed. 57.8 lbs for two checked bags. hrm. so let's see. i am about 160 + two checked bags of 57.8= 217.8. & the last time i flew back in 2007 i was 263. so myself & my luggage combined weigh almost 50lbs less than the last time i flew, but they're charging me an extra $40 to check luggage because of increased gas prices. anyone else feel snookered here? cause i know i do. i know it's just a way for the airlines to have higher revenue coming in while appearing to have lowered ticket prices. because seriously, who doesn't fly with checked bags? especially when the size allowance on carry-ons keeps getting smaller & smaller.

personally i'm thinking if gas prices is what is driving the airlines to adjust the prices of flights then there should be some changes to the pricing. how about each ticket giving you a weight allowance. you + luggage is less than or equal to X no additional fee. you + luggage is greater than X & there is a sliding scale fee. i was just told at work "just because you're skinny don't hate on fat people." & i don't hate on fat people. i was one not that long ago & still see myself as such even though dev has nicknamed me his SLB (skinny little bitch) friend. isn't it odd that i still see myself as a fat person? talk about body dysmorphia.

not sure when i plan on flying again, but i may need to just get a bigger suitcase. so instead of two smaller ones & having to pay two luggage fees then i'll just have to pay one fee for one bag. that'll work, right? i know i'll be headed back to the bay within the next year, but just don't know the exact when. in the mean time maybe i'll have to learn how to pack more stuff into a smaller space. lots of possibilities here.

california dreamin'

once again i'm sitting in a california airport waiting for a plane to take me back to mn. i was only here for 6 days/5 nights but i got a lot done in that time. i physically did a lot. i saw the winchester mystery mansion, went to alcatraz, ran all over pier 39, haggled for silk robes in san fran, bought so many new clothes using my 30% discount at gap that i had to get an extra duffel at target for the trip back, got drunk off one B-52 in a souvenir shot glass at the hard rock, saw a body tales performance, took some bubble baths, drank lots of long islands at dave&busters, cruised in a convertible, sang karaoke, did some writing, reconnected with my poetry, fell in love with avocado, laughed over burning man memories of elephant dick & the orange tent, hung with one of my best friends in the world eating 100 calorie bags of popcorn watching random dvds, & did a lot of thinking/soul searching.

where does this leave me? i just said: sitting in the san jose airport on free wireless waiting for a plane to take me back to minnesota. i can't even say back home because i just don't know. it's been almost two years this time between my trips out to california. the last time i was here it was for my 30th birthday to get my fairie tattoo. before that i'd been out here a few times, visiting my friends & hanging out. there is something about california that i really love. talking to my friends that live here i see the ugly side too, they have some really fucked up laws (ie ferrets are illegal) & the tax is even more ridiculous than mn & the gas prices are way more. but still, there is something about this place that i really love. & i feel at home here. i just don't know if i could move here. a big part of me loves it to that point, but i know myself & i'd need to have a very strong support system out here. friends are great & can be a great help, but sometimes you can only lean on a friend so much.

i still don't know what the fuck i'm doing. i'm not going pretend that i took a long weekend trip & i know everything that i'm going to do with my life, because i just don't. but i feel more focused than i did before. before i came out here i was a mess. i felt like a mess, i was chaos in a pair of low rise blue jeans, docs, & nightmare before christmas hoodie. my head was a swirl of confusion & i was lurching from one thing to another doing just what i could in order to get by & onto the next day.

still no answers, no great over arching epiphany, but i do feel more centered. dev was wonderful this past weekend. i could not ask for a better friend if i tried to place a custom order for one. every day he asked me what i felt like doing & even though i was kind of lame saturday & sunday night & just wanted to stay in with microwave popcorn watching movies he was fine with it & we had a great time. sometimes i feel like going out & dancing & drinking & partying. which we did friday night & it was awesome, but sometimes i need to be more still. & he was great about letting me just be still & being there for me while i was. i just really hope that one day i will be able to repay him for everything he did. i don't feel like a hug & a thank you & a hallmark card can do enough to convey my deep appreciation for his friendship.

so back to mn to try to put all of this back together in some meaningful order. i'll be meeting with deborah soon about my mfa. it's time to finish that up & move on with my life. to do that i may need to cut my loses & focus just on my poetry manuscript. it wouldn't mean abandoning my novel because i will finish it, but i may need to just set my novel aside for right now & focus on getting my poetry manuscript together, complete, as strong as it can be so that i can obtain my degree & have that one chapter of my life completed. but i'll figure out more of that in the upcoming weeks. for now. i'm going to shut down my laptop. repack my carry on luggage. & get ready for the flight home. maybe pop an ultram for pain. maybe take a nap in flight. either way i'm leaving california better than when i got here. & leaving behind pretty much one of the best friends a girl could have.

movie time

this link is a really cute twist on the movie the watchmen. if you haven't seen the movie yet i suggest you do so. very soon. it was fabulous! i've seen the movie twice & plan on seeing it again in the theater, i think. & if i don't see it in the theater again i will definitely buy it on dvd as soon as it comes out. i haven't read the book, although i am currently in the middle of reading (see the action shot below). so far the book is really great & if it continues being so, which i'm guessing it will, i recommend both the book & the movie!

my life is messy

so E called me late friday evening. one of his ferrets, moxie (my favorite one & one of the ones that i asked him to give me in the break up) was sick. she'd been at the vet earlier that day, but she was sluggish, stumbling around, & had a small seizure. yeah, i know, scary. he called me to ask if i had any ferretvite, which is a high calorie supplement to give ferrets when they are sick. it can be given to healthy ferrets too, a bit at a time, as just a multivitamin, but it's also good if your ferret is sick to help them get better. basically he suspected that she had insulinoma. basically that is the ferret version of diabetes. well, with fuzzies since they're such tiny little guys they can go from being a little sick to seizing & dead VERY quickly. so poor moxie was having trouble walking & had a small, or a couple small, seizures. well, since she's my lil girl i had to rush right over to see her, ferretvite & all my other treats in tow.

i did have plans for friday night, but the universe was somehow working towards me taking care of my moxie because my plans fell through about five minutes before E called to tell me she was sick. what would i have done if i would have still had plan/been out with my friends & E called me to say mox was sick? i'm really not sure. she's my little girl & i adore her to pieces, but i also know that he can't expect me to drop everything in my life at a moment notice because he needs something. & there was a part of me that wanted to tell him i was busy, even though i wasn't, just so he doesn't think he can expect me to come running whenever he calls. but, if something would've happened to mox i would have been devastated that i didn't get to spend just a little more time with my baby.

this whole being civil & remaining friends for the kids is hard. WAY hard. not like i hate E or anything, because i don't. but seeing him & knowing that there is a wall between us cuts me. i know it's trite & over used & totally cliche, but it feels just like a knife being twisted in my chest. & i'm starting to think that maybe i shouldn't see him at all for a while. i want to talk to him & i miss him, but seeing him kills me right now. & i don't know how much longer i can keep torturing myself.

so what now?

good question. damn good question. wish that i had the answer to that. here's what i do know:
~march 10th i have my year surgery follow up at hcmc
~march 12th i'm headed to cali
~march 17th i'm back from cali
~march 20th i have my psych eval for possible medication script
~march 21st & beyond: not a single clue

one thing i know is that while i should be very content & happy with my job(s) i'm not. i want more out of my life. i want more than just the status quo. i deserve more than the status quo. i deserve spectacular. i do know that i can't get that just sitting around biding my time & waiting. waiting for what i don't know. it wasn't until just recently, like oh, the last 24 hours that i realized i have been waiting. waiting. watching. wondering. wasting. definitely wasting my time. & that's the most previous commodity that any of us has is our time. & i'm done wasting mine.

it goes against the grain of my personality. i tend to be a very giving person. a very loving person. a very accommodating person. but i need to be more selfish in order to protect my most import asset: myself. it's one thing if i get back as much from the person as i give, but i've come to realize that doesn't happen all the time. for instance, with E. it's been just like 2 1/2 weeks since the break up (& yeah, it still hurts at times) but trying to step back & take a look at what was really going on, he wasn't giving me as much as i needed. as much as i wanted. as much as i deserved. he expected me to respect what a precious commodity HIS time was, but he didn't give that same consideration to me often.

& he also didn't pay attention to me in the way i need when it comes to my writing. at times i felt like he didn't think writing was as important as the painting/illustrating that he did. which is complete & total bullshit. in a visual world how fucking hard is it to be a writer? the answer is: DAMN HARD! & while i kept up on his deviant art site & kept up on his projects i would often have to tell him over & over & over & OVER again what i was working on. which, let's face it gang, isn't that tough. i'm working on a novel, some poetry, & then a memoir about my eating disorder. that's basically 3 things i was asking him to keep track of. ok, yeah, a little hurt over that whole thing.

i deserve to have someone in my life that remembers those little things that i'm doing & makes it a priority to remember. i know some people have bad memories, but even if you have a really bad memory you should be able to keep a couple things straight/in your mind about the person you love/are in a relationship with. not like i'm saying E is a bad person or anything, because i'm not. but that is one of the things that bothered me is that i often felt like i was not as big a priority in his life as he was in mine. & that is a really bad feeling.

i really don't know what my plans are, honestly. right now i'm just trying to get through each day as best that i can. some days are harder than others. i miss E a lot, i miss our relationship, i miss the promise of all of that....but i know that i can't live in the past or in the promises of what once was. all i can really do is take what i have & deal with that.

& another bit of beckah on the web

i created a deviant art page this morning before heading into work. it's listed under my list of links, but here it is:

http://justshayde.deviantart.com/

i'll be posting poems & other pieces of writing there. of course, this will always be my blog, but it can't hurt to get my writing out into the world & seen by more people. right now there is only one poem on it because that's all that i had time to post before i left for work. but i have lots more poems to put up there....& another reason to write a bunch more. to get myself out there & keep people checking my deviant art page, my blog.

yes, yes i am pimping myself. pretty soon i'll be getting business cards too. thanks for the recommendation, sahara!

happy NEDA (national eating disorder awareness) week

february 22-28th is national eating disorder awareness week. what does that mean to me? i honestly don't know. this is something that i live with each day, every day, each moment that i'm awake. it's something that i battle with as i sleep. & in all the in-between places. i asked E if our break up has/had anything to do with my eating disorder. & he told me no. & i believe him. but he did say that it scares him that maybe i will die from it. fuck. i thought i was the only one that considered that. but i'm not. my mom said she's worried about me. that maybe one day my body will buckle under the strain of my eating disorder & it'll kill me. so there's at least two people.

how fucking lame would that be if i allowed myself to let this fucking disease over take me? i keep thinking that over & over. & then i think that i should be stronger. sometimes i try to make light of all of it & think what my dad said to me when i was a kid "be a cloutier. be a man." it's what anyone in my family says when things get tough & we need to be tougher. but just sucking it up isn't going to help me this time. i've been in therapy now for almost six months now & i do wonder if it's working or not. how is talking about my relationship with food going to fix anything? how much longer do i want to do this? how much longer can i do it?

i want to be healed already. i want to be ok. i feel so broken. vulnerable. fragile. i absolutely hate feeling like that. i hate that every interaction with food is a little battle for me. eating breakfast. packing a lunch. going out to dinner with friends. facing treat day at work. potlucks. anything & everything involving food becomes a dance for me. i want to be normal, but what is the normal? i feel like there are so many things that influence my every day interactions with & thoughts about food. but i don't feel that it's appropriate to blame "the media" or "society" or anything else. like any situation my eating disorder is complex. it's made up of so many little nuances, each of which influence each other & compound each other that there isn't an easy fix to any of it.

there's also a part of me that for some reason is resentful of my workplace reaction to all of this. not like i'd decorate my cube or put up a bunch of stuff talking about eating disorders. but there's something about the fact that it's been made clear that my eating disorder should be kept out of my work that is off putting to me. especially as the week starts that is supposed to be national eating disorder awareness week. yeah. something to ponder.

i want to write more, but i'm not quite sure what to say at this moment. & i need to take E's ferrets back to him. the longer i wait to leave the later it'll be when i get home.

when will thin be thin enough?

it's a question i've been asking myself a lot lately. today at work i was passing by someone & she said "you're SO thin!" & i just smiled & nodded because i didn't know what else to say or do. i was 155.8 this morning on my scale. yesterday morning i was 158.8. i don't think i really lost 3 lbs in one day, at least, i'm pretty sure that i haven't. i have been eating. yesterday it was more like 2 meals & a snack because i had this health screening at work at 11am & i had to fast for 9hrs before hand so i didn't have anything to eat until lunch time. on the plus side, my fasting glucose was 66 which is on the low end of normal so i don't think i really have anything to worry about with my blood sugar.

if i'm weighing 155 my bmi is around 26. still over weight. still frickin overweight! it makes me want to scream & tear at the walls. i was laying in bed this morning getting ready to get up & face the day & i can feel my ribs easily beneath my skin. my hips protrude from the skin. so do the edges of my pelvic bone. yeah, really, they do. i can feel my vertebrae all the way down my back. & it's painful. really painful to sit directly on your tailbone. trust me on this one. i know because i've been doing it. but i'm still not thin enough for me (for my eating disorder). but then, i'm happy because i'm just 10 lbs away from being in the "normal" BMI range. yes, sick, twisted, i know this.

& the BMI charts are a crock of shit in general. i mean, really, who do they apply to? i have met some of the thinnest, fittest, healthiest people that the BMI charts say are overweight. really? wtf, mate? at the health screening yesterday i mentioned to the health coach that i was concerned about my BMI & she looked at me like i'd suddenly grown a second head on my shoulders. & she asked about my fitness & i told her how much i used to work out & she said even if i'm still not that active (which i'm totally not) that my body has maintained some of the muscle & that definitely has an impact on BMI & that i really shouldn't be worried too much.

so what about HCMC's estimate of my weight? 132.7 is where they think i should be. so i still have another, um, 20+ lbs to go. i'm not shy about admitting that my thighs, stomach, upper arms all have fat that could be gotten rid of. also my calves are pretty chunky. then again, i was told yesterday that my face is really thin, too thin, & my upper body is really too thin also. if i were made of play-do all i would need is a little reshaping & sculpting to be all better. but i'm not made of play-do. & all i can do is start to exercise & hope that'll help some & then start saving for plastic surgery.

at this point i'm really not looking for perfection. i'd just like to be able to wear a short sleeved shirt without being SO self conscious. & i'd like to be able to wear a swim suit without being so hyper aware of how saggy & flabby my thighs are. yeah, exercise should help some. if i would've started exercising a year ago that would've been best because i would've been working out while i was in such rapid weight loss from the surgery, but i can't go back in time. & if i could, i'd probably want to change so much that i may not even find myself at the same place that i am right now because i would've changed the outcome of my life. (as an aside i finally watched the matrix a few weeks ago. yeah, probably a good thing i didn't see it a while ago. it totally messed with my head & is still tripping me up. i totally would've been much more paranoid for the last several years if i'd seen the matrix in the 90's. & i feel like i already blogged about this. did i really? or am i just experiencing deja vu because something was changed in the program? yup. good thing i didn't watch the matrix before).

i wonder when i really WILL be thin enough. will it be a number on the scale? will it be a clothing size? right now i wear anything between a 13 & 15 in jeans depending on the brand. t-shirts i wear medium or large, depending on the cut. i have lots of clothes that are bigger than that because they're cute & i'm trying to get as much wear out of them as possible. i never thought i'd find myself in this place. for the longest time i would've said that 13 would be just dandy! that to wear a medium or large tshirt would be just ducky! that to walk into victoria secret & fit nicely into their medium panties would be perfect. & yet. & yet. *sighs* & yet here i find myself obsessing as i look at my clothes, run my hands over my body, & criticize the reflection the mirror gives me.

finally: the charts from hcmc in december

my desk is being moved at work today. or rather, i'm being moved, the desk is staying where it is. so i was cleaning my cube & packing stuff up & i found my chart from my december appointment at hcmc. so i figured i'd put it up here. as of december my bmi was 27 (still over weight) & i'm still 26 lbs from hcmc's goal weight for me.

i still don't know how i feel about that. i don't even remember weighing the amount i do right now. yesterday morning i was in a meeting at work & i think i may have been the smallest girl in the meeting. that blew my mind & i was unable to concentrate for the rest of the meeting because i was trying to guess if i did weigh the least. & then at the same time i was thinking about my body & how i looked & just so dissatisfied that i weigh as much as i do. or, that i'm as big as i am. & i do realize that is a really fucked up thing to say because i see how thin, too thin parts of my body are. but then, but, i'll look at my clothes & think that they are huge & i'll touch my arms or legs or tummy & just get so upset that they aren't smaller.

& no, i'm not oblivious to how messed up this all is. evidently it's darkest before the dawn. i kind of hate that phrase. actually, i really hate that phrase. i hate any cliches that are meant to make you feel better, they literally make me sick. i don't like being sick & weak. i hate the fact that everyday is a struggle to get myself out of bed, dressed, & go into work to face another day. everyday i come home so exhausted & wrung out. & i let out my ferrets & i don't even really have the energy to actively play with them. on the one hand i'm lucky i have five because they have each other to play with. but i know they miss me. they'll come up to be & want to play, or give me kisses. & they give me this look. they are SO sad. & that just breaks my heart.

*sighs* i don't want to, i really don't want to, but i think that today i will ask ann for the referral to see a psychiatrist & get on a med temporarily. i feel defeated saying that. & i'm so damn scared that i won't be able to write any more. & i'm confused. & i am having trouble concentrating. it's 7:33am. time to head to work.

blessed

i'm having chest pains right now & i hurt so bad i can barely sit on my couch. my doctor called & said all of my labs were normal except for my blood glucose, which was 145 & not fasting. so she is going to send me a lab slip & wants me to come in & do a fasting blood draw soon. i'm not terribly worried because i know that day was off. i had eaten barely anything, just mainly espresso with milk & splenda. i think maybe i nibbled something, i can't recall. honestly that day was a blur. i think that's a bit high, but it's not terribly high. i have to say though, wouldn't it be totally fucking ironic if i wind up having gastric bypass to get healthier & then i wind up getting fucking type 2 diabetes anyway? right before they drew my blood, as in, oh, one minute before, i had just finished drinking my coffee.

over the past couple days i've talked with some friends about the medication route. i still really don't want to do it, but i'm getting worse. a lot worse by the day. i go to work in the morning & i become a lot like a ferret. i hide my pain & put on a brave face & show people what they want to see. & then, at the end of the day, i limp home completely wrung out & exhausted. tonight i stopped at cub to pick up some fresh fruit & i was so fuzzy headed i could barely think while shopping. i got home & wanted to skip dinner because it just seemed like too much work to microwave something. in the end i wound up eating a couple of strawberries & a piece of pizza.

right now i feel so weak & everything seems overwhelming. & yeah, the bullshit with E weighs heavy on my heart. & my fuzzy cassidy is depressed & misses his sweetheart lily. & that hurts to watch cassidy be hurt & i can't do anything about it. yes, i know some people are thinking "they are just ferrets." but really, they are much smarter & more intuitive & sensitive than people think. & while i am hurting badly about E it's really my eating disorder that is more concerning.

some of my friends & family want to blame E for my decline in health, but this had started before last week. i've been treading water in terms of my eating disorder for a while. my life has been chaos since december & i've been trying to figure this thing out. every week i go to therapy & every week i try to do my best, in every meal, every day, every hour. it just seems like it's not enough.

& i keep hearing that i'm strong & i'll be ok & i'll get through this even stronger on the other side. but why can't i have faith in that? maybe because right now i'm running low on everything. well, almost everything. i am really fortunate in that i am getting a lot of support from my friends & family. last night a friend from the east coast called. he was talking with me online & called to see how i was. today another friend that i haven't talked to in a few weeks just randomly texted me. i asked him how he knew i needed a friend & he said he didn't know, just that i had been on his mind. & then sinead called me tonight. so i am very blessed. while i'm having difficulty having faith in myself i do have a lot of people that are showing they care about me & love me. i have to admit, that helps. just knowing that there are so many people around that care about me & really want me to get better & want to help me in anyway that they can.

while i really don't want to do it, i am thinking that tomorrow when i see ann i'll get a referral to see a psychiatrist at the emily program to talk about meds. like sinead & josey said, it doesn't have to be forever, maybe just for a little bit. & if it'll help me get evened out enough to get my eating under control & start to get healthy, then that's what i'll have to do. obviously being stubborn & living on espresso are not doing anything. oh caffeine, why have you forsaken me? i guess this just goes to show: there really are some problems that cannot be solved by coffee.

but, for right now. it's almost 10:30pm & it's taken me quite a while to finish this blog because i keep losing my train of thought..... & nearly falling asleep. so i'm off to bed & hoping for a good night's sleep.

father knows best....well....sometimes...

i do love my dad, don't get me wrong. but sometimes i just wonder if he's ever met a girl in his life. i showed up all broken hearted & wounded friday night at my parents' house with ferrets & footie jammies in tow. & we're watching a movie & i'm trying to choke down a bit of pizza & he looks at me & says "men are like buses. if you miss one another one will come by."

really? that's what you're going to tell me when i don't know what's happening with the person i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life. damn.

so then today we're watching the history of gangs on the history channel. it was a two hour show that went all the way back to the start of america as a country & then talked about gangs all the way up to today. at one point there was a clip of "west side story" on the show & my parents started talking about what a good movie it was. i admitted that i hadn't seen it so my dad says "hey, it's on demand, let's watch it."

are you fucking kidding me? this time i looked at him & said "really. you are seriously suggesting that right now i watch a love story about a white guy & a puerto rican girl? are you kidding me?!" for anyone who doesn't know, E is from puerto rico. yeah. my dad. mr sensitive he's not.

but, his faux pas in the arena of love aside, my dad has a good heart & tries really hard. he also does the best he can by me & my siblings. & sometimes he does have some good advice. yesterday we were together most of the afternoon at the emergency vet because walker (my parents' dog) was super sick. while we were stuck in the uncomfortable chairs at the emergency vet with nothing to do but stare at the walls or talk to each other my dad & i actually talked to each other.

he's still not very comfortable talking about my eating disorder. he just doesn't get it. he thinks that all i need to do is just put my meals in this little pink bowl he gave me, each everything in that bowl three times a day & i'll be fine. on the one hand my dad is right. if i could just three times a day portion out a balance of protein, veggies/fruit, & carbs & then actually eat that, just that, no snacking, i'd be ok. the cynic in me says this sounds so similar to the way to "fix" a fat person. "just eat less and exercise more & you'll drop that weight in no time!" it's so easy in theory, from the outside the answer is simple & obvious. but when you're in that body, in that life, it's not so easy all the time to do what you should.

on the upside, getting to spend some time alone with my dad we got to talk & neither of us could run or avoid any issues. on friday i went to my doctor to talk about the issues i've been having with pain & all of that. my doctor ran a bunch of lab tests & then asked me a bunch of questions: are you throwing up, are you exercising, how often are you exercising, are you depressed, why aren't you eating, how often are you eating, & etc. she also had the lab do an ekg to see how my heart is holding up (it turned out normal) in addition to all the blood tests. i'll find out about the blood tests next week. she then looks at me & tells me that she thinks that i'm depressed & that i really should go on an antidepressant.

my therapist wants me to see one of their psychiatrists at the emily program & go on antidepressants. that was the one thing that i said up front i did not want at all: no pills. i was on paxil in the past & i couldn't feel anything. sure, i didn't feel sad anymore, but i didn't feel happy, angry, or anything at all. so i took myself off of that. then later i was on wellbutrin which was ok, except i would be fine & then all of a sudden i would be the most angry person on planet earth. there wouldn't be any reason for it at all, just suddenly i'd be filled with rage. once again, i took myself off that medication. now i know that those aren't the only two meds in the world that are meant to help with depression, but so far i've had bad experiences with two antidepressants.

when i told my dad both my doctor & my therapist think i need to be on antidepressants he got pretty upset on my behalf. & for once (unlike the bus reference or west side story incident) he had some good advice for me. my dad thinks, & i agree & this is what i think too, that there has to be SOMETHING else that i can try before i bend to the pressure & go on pills. my dad suggested i try this liquid vitamin that he takes called vibe. & then he suggested that i start exercising, even if it's just five minutes a day. he thinks between those two things that maybe it'll help my moods enough, & also my eating disorder, so that i don't have to go on meds.

& i agree with him. because i really don't want to go on meds. if i have to i will. & i guess maybe it'll make an interesting chapter in my book, but that's also why i don't want to go on meds. the two times that i've been on meds in the past they've seriously fucked with my head to the point of interfering with my ability to write. & i don't want to take that chance. it's just too high a price to pay. if i go on meds & they "fix" me enough to get my eating disorder under control, but then i'm not able to write, what good is it being "fixed" because the part of me that i value the most, that is really the essence of who i am, would be missing. seems a little like a catch 22. i don't know 100% for sure that the meds will fuck with my ability to write. but seriously, anything that chemically changes your brain cannot be great for you. & i don't know that i want to take a chance.

they're numbers, just numbers, scoob

stepped on the scale this am. 161.4. & i smiled. i was happy because earlier this week the scale said 165. my heart is broken. i feel emotionally torn asunder. but the scale rewarded me (my eating disorder) with a loss. & was it me smiling or my eating disorder? right now, my eating disorder is loud & has more control than she should. so it was her smiling. it was me. it was both of us. i shimmied into my size 14 jeans, which hug my hips & thighs & are a tidge tighter than i want them to be. but the scale has me so close to being back in the 150's. & all the while as i pull the jeans up, button & zip them. i'm thinking as i look down at my flabby belly & thighs that if only i could get rid of that fat that is hanging out. i don't want hollywood perfection (do i? no, i don't think so). i just want to be able to look at myself naked without feeling shame for the abuse my body has taken over the years.

i ate breakfast. but that wasn't until 10:30am (i think it was then). i forced myself to eat yesterday. my sister came by after work. she is a godsend. if she would not have been here i may have skipped dinner. & even with her here, watching me, i only ate about 1/3 of a piece of pizza. i tried. i really tried to eat more but my stomach clenched & rolled & i couldn't eat more. i felt like i didn't deserve to eat. didn't deserve food. i had to punish myself because it was my fault (even though i know it's not true & E said it's not true & dev said E is a fucking idiot for giving up the best woman on earth----have i mentioned i love dev for being such a loyal friend?) so even though i know that this is all E's issue(s) & it's nothing i did my eating disorder doesn't care. it's something for her to grab, hang on to, something for her to hold up in my face to tell me "see, if you let ME control your life things will be better."

how starving myself &/or binging will make my life better i don't now. eating disorders are a strange beast. they're a combo of medical & mental health issue. technically i see a therapist & technically my claims are paid from my mh/sa benes on my health insurance (mh/sa benes= mental health/substance abuse benefits). a lot of it is in my head & my response to food. the way that i deal with, or don't deal with, my emotions. but it has a lot of medical repercussions that are not necessarily evident with other mental health issues. i have a doctor appointment tonight because i am very weak & sick. i haven't wanted to admit it to anyone, but physically i'm sort of back to where i was this past fall....& no it isn't all of a sudden since the break with E. it's been going on before that. i've also had dizzy episodes & near passing out. my chest hurts. & i missed my last period (& no, i'm not pregnant). i confessed all this last week in therapy & i've never seen ann or amy so shocked. so yeah, i had to promise them i'd go to the doctor.

i haven't even lost that much weight recently. or starved myself (too much) recently. so i don't know why i missed my period. i'm on the pill so it should be pretty regulated. i thought that kind of thing only happened to girls who weigh like 100 lbs or less. i told my mom all this & i could hear her tears over the phone. & her response was "in nazi concentration camps women stopped menstruating because of extreme malnutrition because they were starved." isn't it amazing that my cabinets & fridge are stuffed to capacity with food & yet i'm starving & malnourished?

it makes me feel insane amounts of guilt. that i live in the richest country in the world, in a comfortable suburban home, with enough income to buy food, i do buy food, & yet i can't deal with it in a natural way. i know there are children starving here in my own country, here in minnesota there are children & people without enough to eat & i look at a piece of pizza & retch & feel nothing but repulsion. & when that guilt settles in sometimes i binge. but often i feel that if i can't be grateful then i don't deserve to eat at all. & then i starve myself (restrict as they say at the emily program). & i swing between binging & restriction. sometimes in the same day.

i'm sitting here at my computer & as i type i can see the bones in my hand move & it's oddly hypnotizing to see that. & i look down & i can see my clavicles protruding from my skin. & the part of me that is ME can't believe what i'm doing to my body. & my eating disorder is oddly pleased by it all. & then the writer in me thinks i need to get out my camera & take some pictures for my memoir because a picture really does need to be put in sometimes to convey a message. & in the end all these different parts are all me & i need to put them together to go on. i know that i can always go back to my parents. i know that they will always pick me up & put the pieces back together & make everything ok, or as ok as they can, but i need to do this myself in order to really recover.

when i was at the emily program on wednesday waiting for my appointment i was looking through the interactive journal in their waiting room. it's there for anyone to write anything they want in it. i was reading it & there was something in there that i swear my sister could have written. it was about how this girl was proud of her sister for admitting her problems & getting help & going through therapy for her eating disorder. & even though her sister thinks she is weak that she is really a very strong person, stronger than she knows & she's an amazing woman that can beat this disease. of course that's a paraphrase. i really wanted to copy the page, or take a picture with my iphone (maybe i will next week). & yesterday night when rachel was here she patted me knee, looked at me & said "you're stronger than you know. you'll get through all of this. i know that you will." my sister is an amazing person. she'll never know how much she means to me & how glad i am to have her.

happy re-birthday. or not so fucking happy

i'm in a bit of a self pitying mood right now. yesterday i met with manager yesterday & heard her side of the eating disorder discussion at work thing & it seems to come down to the fact that there is the perception that people will not respect me, or look down on me, or see me as weak or otherwise not a "leader" if they find out i have an eating disorder. i think that's total bologna. but for the sake of respecting my manager & supervisor's wishes i'm not going to talk about it much at work anymore. i know. it's fucking pathetic that i can't discuss a medical issue when i work at a health insurance company, but whatever.

that was only part of the disaster that was yesterday. i was just in a funk pretty much all day at work. i went to see my therapist yesterday evening as per usual & a ton of stuff came up that i've been mentally sitting on for a while. issues that i was semi aware of, but not really aware of. so it looks like i'll still be in therapy for quite some time. it's an over used phrase & is often quoted in many situations, but it really is a marathon not a sprint. i need to remind myself of that often to keep things in perspective.

& then to top off the day i had a really difficult evening with E. basically my night last night ended about 6:30am this morning when i finally cried myself to sleep for a whole hour & a half of not very restful sleep. i woke up at 8am & tried to go to work only to be sent home because i looked like a train wreck. i had a splitting headache/migraine so i called in at 5:30am & said i'd be in late, by 1pm, to do my presentation. since i couldn't sleep i showed up at 9am thinking maybe i could do some work. & i really had no business going in. my eyes were red & puffy & i was pretty much a disaster. i wasn't able to say more than 6 words to anyone without bursting into tears.

so what happened? yeah, good question, one that i'd like an answer to also. *sighs* E said he needs some time to figure stuff out, that he needs a break from our relationship. & that killed me. especially considering my last post in which i basically shouted out that i'm so gaga head over heels in love with him & think he's THE ONE. yeah. i feel like an idiot. i really do. & i'm really hurt. devastated. & of course my eating disorder is using this as a wonderful excuse to jump up & have a say in my life.

but i do have some things going for me. i have a wonderful sister. i showed up at her desk today & pulled her into a room & told her what was going on & she hugged me & held me & told me that this really sucks but that i'm a stronger person than i realize & i'll get through it. she's going to stop by my place after work & spend some time with me so that i'm not alone (i mean, besides the ferrets & rats). she made me promise her that i'd go home & have some water & some food. i haven't done so well on that. it's almost 1pm & i still haven't eaten anything. i've had coffee, but not really much water. which i really need. i know i'm dehydrated from crying for several hours straight.

today on my way home from work my good friend dev called me from cali. i'd sent him a text message saying simply "he broke my heart." & dev is an awesome person. he gave me a lot of good advice & put a lot of things in perspective for me. i'm still hurting, really badly. & i may or may not go into work tomorrow. i haven't decided that yet. but one thing dev pointed out is better E say he need some time to figure things out now than 5 years in the future when there are kids involved (yes, there are E & my ferrets involved, & they will be upset about not seeing each other/see each other as often.... but they'll have to buck up & grow up). but it could be worse. he & i could have had kids to deal with, a mortgage, breaking up a household or a myriad of other things that could have made things that much worse. i simply love dev, he never pulls any punches & never sugar coats a single fucking thing. sometimes what he says hurts, but it's always right.

i'm still upset, pretty upset & i'll need more time to process in order to become more okay with all of this. but the biggest thing for me is i'm going to miss E so fucking bad. he's become my best friend, my closest confident, & a really good companion over the course of our relationship & i hate to lose all that. maybe the friendship can be salvaged. i have been able to remain friends with other people i've been involved with, some of them becoming really good friends of mine. maybe this is only a small bump in our relationship. i don't have a crystal ball & i can't predict the future. i know what my preferred outcome is, if i can have my way. but ultimately i want happiness for both E & i.

so happy fucking re-birthday to me.

one thing i know is my sister is right. for some people allowing depression to settle in & cause meal skipping is a temporary thing & nothing too worrisome. but for me i need to be extra vigilant to not let that happen because for me to do that is really dangerous, possibly life threatening. & like E said, i've got my ferrets & rats that depend on me 100%. & if i get sick they won't have anyone. so i'll post this blog. drink some water. nibble a little something. & go nap.

a brief you tube ferret interlude

tales from cubeville

yesterday i got a shock during my 1:1 with my supervisor. periodically my sup meets with all of us to see how things are going, do we have any concerns, etc. so i told her things are just ab-fab & i'm happy with the new hard drive IT dug up for me & it's sweet to be able to do my job on a working computer. so at the end of all this fuzzy feel good-ness she tells me that she has something to talk to me about. yeah. that is NEVER good. so she tells me that someone went to her supervisor & said something about my eating disorder.

um. say what? can you repeat that please?

i stayed calm. i was fairly upset. not because people were talking about me. i've already learned that's going to happen no matter what i say or do. not like i'm an egomaniac, but i'm the kind of person that elicits gossip about themselves. i'm not an abrasive person parse, but i don't take any bullshit off anyone, i am up front, honest, sometimes too honest. i don't believe in being fake. if i don't like you i'm polite, i'm courteous, but i'm not going to ask you to be my friend on facebook & go out for drinks while thinking to myself "sheesh, this person is a tool." un-uh, totally not my style. yes, i know, why the fuck do i work in a corporate office. um, it pays me well & gives me good health insurance, which i really need. i also mostly like my job. i used to love it, now it's just mostly (like 97%).

so i tried asking my supervisor what they'd said to my manager (my sup's sup is the manager of our department so she's my manager....yeah, you do need a flow chart, & we actually have one at work). she couldn't tell me the context. i wanted to know exactly what was said, why it was said, & who said it. i have a meeting with my manager next week (interestingly enough on wednesday which is the year anniversary of my surgery). i know she won't tell me who went to her. & i can understand her not breaking that confidence. but i do want to find out what was said to her, why it was said, & the way it was said.

if someone is concerned about me they should come to my cube & see me. if they are saying i can't do my job because of my eating disorder then i need to get hr involved because it's discrimination. if someone is pissed off that i'm not ashamed of my eating disorder & hiding it then they can just piss off. if i had broken my leg, been in a car accident, had cancer, or just about anything else people would be sympathetic & not judgemental. it's not like i sign every email "thanks, beckah ps: do you know i have an eating disorder?" i don't wear a sign at work, it's not like i introduce myself at meetings by saying "hi, my name is beckah & i have an eating disorder." some people know because i've told them. my sister, jenn, steph, yadi, & crystal are the main people that i talk with about my eating disorder. but quite a few people do know. my goal is to change the world. change the way the world interacts with & treats people with eating disorders. & i can't very well do that by hiding in a corner too scared & ashamed to open my mouth.

one year later

what a difference 366 little days can make! yes, i know there are 365 days in a year, but 2008 was a leap year, & since the extra day we get every four years is february 29th, one year ago today was 366 days ago. last year on february 1st i officially moved all of my stuff into my new place in plymouth. it was the first time since moving to minnesota on my 3rd birthday that i had lived anywhere other than in the city of st. paul. i had lived in different places, but all still within the legal boundaries of st. paul. i wasn't sure how i would like living in the suburbs since i was pretty much a die hard city girl. but i've adjusted & i actually like it most times. i think the thing i like most is my commute. it's super short. of course, when i have to go to the group home that's a different story, but i only work there every other weekend. so my main commute is less than 4 miles one way. i also really like the family that i rent from. they're awesome people & have really made me feel welcome. i have my own space, but they also invite me to all of their parties (ie new years, superbowl, or hey-it's wednesday night, let's party).

a year ago i was kinda seeing two different guys, neither of whom was very good for me at all. but then on may 1st i had my first date with E & we've been pretty much inseparable ever since (even when we can't physically be together because of work or whatever we're still inseparable, if that makes any sense). right now i'm kind of feeling like i've found my lobster. that still waits to be seen, of course, but i'm very content with my love life. i am so in love with him & feel so at peace in our relationship. not to say we haven't had our tough moments in the past nine months, because we have had some of those. but we actually talk, listen to each other, & figure it out together.

at this moment 366 days ago i was about a week & a half away from my gastric bypass surgery, i was also about to embark upon my liquid diet to prepare me for surgery, & i had no clue what was ahead of me. i weighed almost exactly 100 lbs more than i do right now. most of my belongings were still in boxes & i was trying to figure out how to get unpacked & settled in my apartment before i left for a week to stay at my parents' post surgery. i was also foolishly under the delusion that i'd only be off of work for 2 weeks & that my recovery would be smooth as silk on glass.

my only pets were my cats & dog at my parents' house. now i've got just a dog over at mom & dad's place, but my little apartment is a mini zoo with my two rats, my five ferrets, & occasionally (like this moment) E's four fuzzbutts. i wouldn't've been ready for pets right after moving in here, especially because i spent quite a bit of february & march laying on my couch moaning & hoping for an end to my nausea. but once i started feeling better my place felt lonely without a critter living here & sharing my space. & now, it's just right, very homey & full of love with the seven (sometimes eleven) other souls that share my humble abode.

i was also blissfully unaware of my eating disorder on 2-1-08. i say blissfully, however, i don't think there was much bliss in that. then again, if i had known then, & if my doctor's knew then, that i had an untreated eating disorder i never would have been approved for surgery. i would've had to go through therapy for that before HCMC would've even tried submitting to my insurance company for approval. maybe if i'd had treatment for my eating disorder i would've been able to lose the majority of my excess weight without surgery, but probably not. maybe my recovery would have been easier & i wouldn't've been so sick. then again, that's just a total guess in the dark.

in a way i'm happy things have turned out the way that they did. i do believe that major events in our lives happen the way that they do for a reason. i think that if i would not have gotten so sick after my surgery my eating disorder probably would not have come to light for a very long time. possibly years from now. like any underlying problem it would have surfaced. & maybe there would have been more damage. right now i don't really know how much damage i've done to myself. there are some issues that are concerning to me right now.

i feel like i'm still dehydrated. every day it's a struggle to drink water or crystal light & make sure that i'm getting enough hydration. each day i contemplate the fact that maybe i do need to go into a doctor's office & get an IV to get my body re-hydrated. i drink way too much caffeine, which doesn't help my cause because it dehydrates you. but it gives me energy to keep going every day. yes, it's false energy. i would be better off making sure to get enough food & water & start gradually working out to strengthen my body. drinking the vast amounts of espresso that i do is like putting band-aids on the cracks that appear in a dam. a very small very temporary fix that really, in the end, doesn't do a fucking bit of good. pretty sure i'm malnourished too. i'm making an effort to be better about taking my vitamins every day, but that's just one part of it.

all in all it's been a hell of a year. probably the most eventful of my life. i had no idea while it was all going on, but looking back on it i can see it now. i really wish i would've blogged more in the last year to keep a better track of my journey. in all of this that's my only real regret. i have my memories of the events of the past year. but memories are tricky, fickle, slippery little creatures. they are easily bent to the will of the one doing the remembering. & fact can easily turn to fiction with no malice or planning involved. but it's a very valuable lesson, & as i go forward in my recovery & work on writing a book about my experience i am doing better about living & writing in the moment so my memories are solid things based on my emotions & thoughts of that moment instead of the glossy edited version of events that tend to appear with time.

triggers

i have come to realize that recovery is going to be so much harder than i realized. not like i thought it'd be a piece of cake (fuck...another food reference!)but i guess i was under the misconception that once i reached out for help it wouldn't be so tough. in a way the deeper i get into therapy the worse i get at times. right now, at this exact moment, the past few days/weeks, it's been rough. right now i don't want to blog, i don't want to work on my book, or do anything else that involves me being too social. i want to curl up inside myself, tell the world to kiss my ass & fuck off, & surround myself with my family, E, & my close friends. i really don't want anyone else to be around me.

when talking with anne last week (anne's my therapist) she said that part of what is going on with me right now is that i'm becoming more aware. i've had 24+ years living with my eating disorder & being completely blind to it & how it impacts my life. now that i've come to grips that i really DO have an eating disorder i'm able to see how it is there all the time. & because i'm so aware of my eating disorder right now it's really easy for me to be triggered.

this whole thing is kind of like an exorcism. my eating disorder is a demon that is living in me, controlling me, changing me into someone i don't want to be, hurting me. & now that i'm trying to take control of my life again it's fighting to stay. i have this battle of wills all the time. sometimes it's a second to second struggle to do what's right for ME not what my eating disorder wants. for all those x-files fans out there it's like the black oil episodes. my eating disorder is this parasite that is swimming in my body, once in a while others could see it flash across my eyes, just for a second, gone so quick they didn't know if it was there or not, but now, it's been caught & it's just a matter of totally pulling it's nasty little self out of me & locking it away in a glass jar.

one thing that i've really noticed is how much the rest of the world is really obsessed with food. it's not just me, it's not just obese people, it's not just people with eating disorders, it's the whole god-damn-fucking world! every single day at work my coworkers (the ones in the cubes right next to mine) make it tough for me to sit at my desk & work. they talk about being bad if they go to chipotle, but good if they go to jimmy john's. they're bad if they don't work out twice a day, but good if they do. it's ok to maybe have a piece of chocolate because of the extra 20 minutes on the treadmill they'll do that night. when i was in the store at work on friday afternoon this random woman started talking to me & saying she was trying to decide if she was going to be bad & have some chocolate or good & have some popcorn. & then she went off & i could hear her muttering about calories.

& then there's tv. unless i watch nothing but dvds i am literally bombarded with images of food & exercise programs & gym memberships & judgment regarding weight & food & how all of that reflects on individual character. & it's so easy to believe all of it. i think that every person (at least, every girl) who grows up fat somehow thinks that all of their problems are based on their weight. it's what the doctors tell us, it's what the movies tell us, tv, & sometimes even what the people around us tell us. right now my weight is at like 160-something. it was 162.2 this morning when i weighed in at home to be exact. i'm still overweight according to the bmi charts, but "normal" or "too thin" if you ask some of my family & friends. & i look at my flabby tummy, arms, thighs & then i see a commercial for the total gym, or nutrisystem, or jenny craig, or weight watchers, or anything like that & then the regular programming comes back on & everyone is thin & they seem so happy.

my eating disorder soaks up all of this & uses it as ammunition to whisper in my ear that i'm a bad person because i had some m&ms. but, it's also my eating disorder that nudges me to go graze & nibble when i'm stressed out. it's my eating disorder that says "it's a bad day at work, shit is rolling down hill with your name on it, let's go get some m&m's. let's see who has some candy at their desk." & sometimes i win the battle, but not all the time. it's pretty even steven right now.

my eating disorder is also the part of me that makes me nauseous when i try to eat at times. like this past wednesday morning. i was driving to work & felt really sad about cleo & i started feeling guilty that maybe i hadn't done everything that i could for her & that i hadn't spent enough time with her & i was a bad person because she was so sick & i didn't notice it. & then amongst the tears my eating disorder started picking at my brain telling me to skip breakfast. i'd feel better if i didn't eat anything. yes, i do realize this is counter-intuitive & that usually people feel like shit when they don't eat.

before my surgery i'd starve myself as punishment. when someone hurt me really bad it was easiest to starve myself & focus on the physical pain of hunger than to allow myself to feel the emotional pain. now starving myself doesn't give me the same satisfaction that it used to. i still don't feel hunger. it's fairly common after gastric bypass to have to "eat by the clock" for a while & not really feel hunger. a couple of times i thought i've felt hunger, but i haven't really. & that makes me happy. one of my biggest fears right now is feeling hungry. i feel like i've written this before in here. but, if i start to feel hunger again then it'll be harder to skip meals. i know that is totally my eating disorder talking. & it's hard to admit this, but i can't lie to myself any longer about anything.

in my journal i've started writing down some of the things that i'm not yet ready to admit on here. "what, beckah, has secrets? & is unwilling to air something? pish-posh that cannot be true." yes it is true. i still feel at times that opening myself up while i'm in therapy is a dangerous game. there's a part of me (is this my eating disorder or not?) that is afraid people are going to judge me. think that i'm weak. & then there's the fear that somehow this may prevent me from getting promoted at work. or that somehow someone at work will use this against me. i know that legally they can't because i'm protected against discrimination because of medical/mental health conditions (& this one straddles both arenas); but that doesn't mean that i'm not scared anyone. especially since i'm pretty much all about the self promotion. i pimp my blog to almost anyone that will stop & listen. & i'm even contemplating getting business cards with my name, my blog addy, & my gmail for my blog as self promotion.

& finally, a picture of me blogging (yes, i bite my fingers when i think. i don't chew my nails/bite my nails off, but i pull at my lips & bite my fingers. eating disorder related? maybe. maybe not. we'll see).

new pics of me

here's some newer pics of me:

my eating disorder: my pet

as i go through therapy at the emily program i learn more about myself, my eating disorder, & how i fit into the big bad world with all of this. & maybe it's cause i'm a gemini, maybe it's because i don't want to BE my eating disorder, but i've started to think of my eating disorder as something outside of myself. it's like it's a part of me, but it's also something outside of me. it's like this little gremlin that is always perched on my shoulder, hanging off my back in an invisible little baby back pack, always just there, in my life, whispering in my ear.

quite a bit of the time i'm able to control my eating disorder, my response to life, but sometimes i'll see it pop up & be very clear & present in my life. i guess it's a good thing that i'm becoming very conscious of when i am in control of my eating & when my eating disorder is in control. my eating disorder is not all about losing weight, much of it is really about food & how i interact/react to food. historically i've used food to reward myself & make myself feel better. but i've also used food, or rather, denying myself food, as a form of self punishment. sometimes it's easier for me to try to eat my emotions away, or starve myself, than feel emotions. it's easier to feel the pain of hunger than to feel sad, hurt, disappointed, ashamed, or any other emotion.

but, ironically enough, while before my eating disorder (before my surgery, before i even knew i had an eating disorder) was all about control now it is a bit about weight. before i used food to soothe & as a self injurious weapon. now body image & weight have become wrapped up in my eating disorder. just like my relationship with food has changed, so has my eating disorder. last week i was at work in the bathroom & feeling kind of bad about myself. my jeans have been a bit tight lately, a couple of my tshirts are tighter, & my weight has gone up about 5 lbs. so i had been beating myself up pretty bad. well, someone that i don't see very often at work told me that i was looked like i've lost some weight recently that she could really see it in my face. the part of me that is ashamed of my protruding bones & visible ribs & all the other "too thin parts" cringed, but, my eating disorder was just like a little puppy being given a biscuit. she sat up nice & tall & beamed & wagged her little tail & was so happy. & i felt nauseous. & i then went to my desk & ate some peanut m&ms.

i am convinced that i'm experiencing all of this for a reason. i am very grateful that my insurance is covering my therapy & that i have a job that allows me to leave early once a week to attend therapy sessions. this could be a lot worse for me. i am friends with someone who has a binge eating disorder & her family is not supportive & just makes her feel bad about herself. she won't even seek therapy because she feels she has no one to support her in that. i'm very lucky in that my family, my boyfriend, all my friends are very supportive of me & try to help me in anyway that they can.

this past weekend i started officially working on my book about my eating disorder. & yesterday at work i started going through emails from my mom. i decided that i'm going to include emails from her & from my friends & sister in my book. i don't want to BE my eating disorder, i'm so much more than that. but right now this is front & foremost in my life. & it's that way for a reason that i have yet to be able to identify. it's also important of me to be honest in all of this. i don't want to sugar coat anything. i don't want to shy away from anything tough or difficult. not everything will make it right away to my blog, but that's why i'm also keeping a journal. i'm also keeping a journal to make sure that my memories don't get shimmery. & by that i mean that i forget the hard stuff, or make things seem tougher than they were.

welcome to the new year! (scare tactics, gremlins, ghosts, & the scary stuff)

welcome to the new year! despite the less than sunny subject line the new year has been pretty good for me. i rang in the new year at a house part at my place (luckily i wasn't hosting, the people upstairs were, so i didn't have any clean up or have to deal with any people in my actual place). it was about 3 hours into the new year & i'd been groped, received some indecent proposals, & an invitation for a threesome. so yeah, pretty much hit the ground running. since then it's been more craziness as i try to balance everything without dropping anything, most noticeably myself &/or my sanity.

for 23 days i had 9 ferrets so my life was pretty much insanity 24 hours a day. E was out of town for christmas & new years so i had my 5 fuzzbutts along with his 4 from december 18th through january 10th...technically i gave him his ferrets back on the 10th when he got back in town, but i'll say i had them through the 10th since i did have them most of that day. i will say though, my place does seem kind of a little bit empty without his ferrets here. but i do like the decrease in the amount of poop in the litter boxes & that i'm not always having to keep track of 9 ferrets, each of which is cunning & has 4 legs & can move a helluva a lot faster than me. for a while i felt like the count from sesame street "1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . .1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . .1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. . . . ." i always had to count them at least three times once they were in the cage to be really really sure that i hadn't missed one of them after play time.

not even a month into the new year & i have had some scary moments. or, rather, scare tactics used on me. i'm still seeing my therapist every week for my eating disorder & then my nutritionist every other week. so the first wednesday of the year i saw both of them & within an hour & a half i had the crap scared out of me. my therapist told me that if i don't start eating again, really actually nourishing my body instead of the mindless eating bullshit, that it is a very real possibility that i could end up being put on a feeding tube. yeah, that does NOT sound like fun. i've worked with residents at the group home that have feeding tubes & even if it was a temporary tube through my nose instead of a g-tube or j-tube (both of which require surgery to place a port into the abdomen, the g-tube goes into the stomach & the j-tube goes directly into the intestines) it would not be good at all. i really don't want to end up needing a feeding tube. after my therapist i saw my nutritionist. she flipped through my food journal & talked with me & towards the end of the appointment told me that she's really surprised that i haven't had to be taken in & given IV fluids because i'm not taking in anywhere near enough fluids. i really wanted to cry when i left but i didn't because #1 it wouldn't change anything/help me #2 i knew they were both right #3 i didn't think i could spare the hydration that tears would generate.

i've been noticing that my eating disorder definitely cycles & i'll go through periods of not eating/restricting & then i'll swing back the other way & snack almost uncontrollably. neither of which is good for me because when i am eating a lot it isn't anything that is really redeeming. it's junk food that i know i shouldn't have, but in a way i almost feel unable to stop myself from eating it.

it's weird to know that i've been dealing with this since i was 7. my god, that is so fucking young! a friend of mine has a daughter that age & i look at her & i think she's so little & so innocent & that when i was her age i had a huge problem that i manged to keep from everyone & it scares the shit out of me for her. & i try not to obsess too much about this, or talk too much about it, because i'm sure the people around me are sick of hearing me obsess & whine about food, but right now this is what my life is revolving around. my life is my eating disorder, my fuzzies, & E. i have peripheral things that i deal with like money, work, the weather, cold/flu season, etc. . . but my life pretty much revolves around the first three that i listed.

i was out with my friend tina recently (i hadn't seen her since july) & i was telling her about my life/what's been going on & when i was talking about my eating disorder she said i talk about it like it's a real person. & it sometimes feels like it is a real person, or actually, more like an evil little gremlin that is always perched on my shoulder peering out & whispering in my ear. some days i do better & i can barely hear it & i'm OK, & other days it's really loud & insistent & i can barely hear myself think.

there are days i fight back. about a week or so ago i was at work & two of my coworkers were talking about going out to eat for lunch. & normally they'd invite me to go with them but my lunch was at a different time. so they were talking about heading to chipotle & they were debating if they should be "good" & go to jimmy john's or be "bad" & head to chipotle. i've been listening to talk about being good vs bad in relation to food a lot lately at work & all of a sudden something in me snapped & i interjected myself into their conversation & said "food isn't good or bad it just is!" & then they got super silent. awkward! it was a slightly crazy thing to say, but it felt good too. & i've had my bad days. like admitting to my therapist that i'm really afraid of feeling hunger again because if i feel hungry then it'll be harder for me to skip meals. or like last week at work when the supervisors gave us "nacho bar" for lunch i made my sister dish up first so that i could stick my finger in her cheese & try it because if the cheese tasted in anyway like peppers i wouldn't be able to eat it. (my therapist thinks my sister is really understanding & really nice because she let me do that....i'd totally do the same for her. she just doesn't care that much about peppery tasting cheese.)

it's been almost a year since my surgery & the past (nearly) twelve months have not been at all what i expected. then again, i'm not sure that i even knew what to expect after my surgery. i don't think that i did. i know i didn't. i went through the program at HCMC. i talked with people that had the surgery. i read websites & blogs. but i still feel like i went into the whole thing blind. i do not in anyway regret my surgery. i'd still do it again if i knew everything that would happen. right now eating & food is a really tough thing for me, it's the demon that's there every day: awake or asleep it's there. but i'm also now dealing with a problem that has been an underlying issue in my life for over 3/4 of my life. & it does feel good to know that i'm taking positive steps towards healing. & that i'm dealing with this now so that i don't pass down my food issues to my kids.

but, back on track. back to blogging. still juggling.