when will thin be thin enough?

it's a question i've been asking myself a lot lately. today at work i was passing by someone & she said "you're SO thin!" & i just smiled & nodded because i didn't know what else to say or do. i was 155.8 this morning on my scale. yesterday morning i was 158.8. i don't think i really lost 3 lbs in one day, at least, i'm pretty sure that i haven't. i have been eating. yesterday it was more like 2 meals & a snack because i had this health screening at work at 11am & i had to fast for 9hrs before hand so i didn't have anything to eat until lunch time. on the plus side, my fasting glucose was 66 which is on the low end of normal so i don't think i really have anything to worry about with my blood sugar.

if i'm weighing 155 my bmi is around 26. still over weight. still frickin overweight! it makes me want to scream & tear at the walls. i was laying in bed this morning getting ready to get up & face the day & i can feel my ribs easily beneath my skin. my hips protrude from the skin. so do the edges of my pelvic bone. yeah, really, they do. i can feel my vertebrae all the way down my back. & it's painful. really painful to sit directly on your tailbone. trust me on this one. i know because i've been doing it. but i'm still not thin enough for me (for my eating disorder). but then, i'm happy because i'm just 10 lbs away from being in the "normal" BMI range. yes, sick, twisted, i know this.

& the BMI charts are a crock of shit in general. i mean, really, who do they apply to? i have met some of the thinnest, fittest, healthiest people that the BMI charts say are overweight. really? wtf, mate? at the health screening yesterday i mentioned to the health coach that i was concerned about my BMI & she looked at me like i'd suddenly grown a second head on my shoulders. & she asked about my fitness & i told her how much i used to work out & she said even if i'm still not that active (which i'm totally not) that my body has maintained some of the muscle & that definitely has an impact on BMI & that i really shouldn't be worried too much.

so what about HCMC's estimate of my weight? 132.7 is where they think i should be. so i still have another, um, 20+ lbs to go. i'm not shy about admitting that my thighs, stomach, upper arms all have fat that could be gotten rid of. also my calves are pretty chunky. then again, i was told yesterday that my face is really thin, too thin, & my upper body is really too thin also. if i were made of play-do all i would need is a little reshaping & sculpting to be all better. but i'm not made of play-do. & all i can do is start to exercise & hope that'll help some & then start saving for plastic surgery.

at this point i'm really not looking for perfection. i'd just like to be able to wear a short sleeved shirt without being SO self conscious. & i'd like to be able to wear a swim suit without being so hyper aware of how saggy & flabby my thighs are. yeah, exercise should help some. if i would've started exercising a year ago that would've been best because i would've been working out while i was in such rapid weight loss from the surgery, but i can't go back in time. & if i could, i'd probably want to change so much that i may not even find myself at the same place that i am right now because i would've changed the outcome of my life. (as an aside i finally watched the matrix a few weeks ago. yeah, probably a good thing i didn't see it a while ago. it totally messed with my head & is still tripping me up. i totally would've been much more paranoid for the last several years if i'd seen the matrix in the 90's. & i feel like i already blogged about this. did i really? or am i just experiencing deja vu because something was changed in the program? yup. good thing i didn't watch the matrix before).

i wonder when i really WILL be thin enough. will it be a number on the scale? will it be a clothing size? right now i wear anything between a 13 & 15 in jeans depending on the brand. t-shirts i wear medium or large, depending on the cut. i have lots of clothes that are bigger than that because they're cute & i'm trying to get as much wear out of them as possible. i never thought i'd find myself in this place. for the longest time i would've said that 13 would be just dandy! that to wear a medium or large tshirt would be just ducky! that to walk into victoria secret & fit nicely into their medium panties would be perfect. & yet. & yet. *sighs* & yet here i find myself obsessing as i look at my clothes, run my hands over my body, & criticize the reflection the mirror gives me.