my life is messy

so E called me late friday evening. one of his ferrets, moxie (my favorite one & one of the ones that i asked him to give me in the break up) was sick. she'd been at the vet earlier that day, but she was sluggish, stumbling around, & had a small seizure. yeah, i know, scary. he called me to ask if i had any ferretvite, which is a high calorie supplement to give ferrets when they are sick. it can be given to healthy ferrets too, a bit at a time, as just a multivitamin, but it's also good if your ferret is sick to help them get better. basically he suspected that she had insulinoma. basically that is the ferret version of diabetes. well, with fuzzies since they're such tiny little guys they can go from being a little sick to seizing & dead VERY quickly. so poor moxie was having trouble walking & had a small, or a couple small, seizures. well, since she's my lil girl i had to rush right over to see her, ferretvite & all my other treats in tow.

i did have plans for friday night, but the universe was somehow working towards me taking care of my moxie because my plans fell through about five minutes before E called to tell me she was sick. what would i have done if i would have still had plan/been out with my friends & E called me to say mox was sick? i'm really not sure. she's my little girl & i adore her to pieces, but i also know that he can't expect me to drop everything in my life at a moment notice because he needs something. & there was a part of me that wanted to tell him i was busy, even though i wasn't, just so he doesn't think he can expect me to come running whenever he calls. but, if something would've happened to mox i would have been devastated that i didn't get to spend just a little more time with my baby.

this whole being civil & remaining friends for the kids is hard. WAY hard. not like i hate E or anything, because i don't. but seeing him & knowing that there is a wall between us cuts me. i know it's trite & over used & totally cliche, but it feels just like a knife being twisted in my chest. & i'm starting to think that maybe i shouldn't see him at all for a while. i want to talk to him & i miss him, but seeing him kills me right now. & i don't know how much longer i can keep torturing myself.