i'm in a bit of a self pitying mood right now. yesterday i met with manager yesterday & heard her side of the eating disorder discussion at work thing & it seems to come down to the fact that there is the perception that people will not respect me, or look down on me, or see me as weak or otherwise not a "leader" if they find out i have an eating disorder. i think that's total bologna. but for the sake of respecting my manager & supervisor's wishes i'm not going to talk about it much at work anymore. i know. it's fucking pathetic that i can't discuss a medical issue when i work at a health insurance company, but whatever.
that was only part of the disaster that was yesterday. i was just in a funk pretty much all day at work. i went to see my therapist yesterday evening as per usual & a ton of stuff came up that i've been mentally sitting on for a while. issues that i was semi aware of, but not really aware of. so it looks like i'll still be in therapy for quite some time. it's an over used phrase & is often quoted in many situations, but it really is a marathon not a sprint. i need to remind myself of that often to keep things in perspective.
& then to top off the day i had a really difficult evening with E. basically my night last night ended about 6:30am this morning when i finally cried myself to sleep for a whole hour & a half of not very restful sleep. i woke up at 8am & tried to go to work only to be sent home because i looked like a train wreck. i had a splitting headache/migraine so i called in at 5:30am & said i'd be in late, by 1pm, to do my presentation. since i couldn't sleep i showed up at 9am thinking maybe i could do some work. & i really had no business going in. my eyes were red & puffy & i was pretty much a disaster. i wasn't able to say more than 6 words to anyone without bursting into tears.
so what happened? yeah, good question, one that i'd like an answer to also. *sighs* E said he needs some time to figure stuff out, that he needs a break from our relationship. & that killed me. especially considering my last post in which i basically shouted out that i'm so gaga head over heels in love with him & think he's THE ONE. yeah. i feel like an idiot. i really do. & i'm really hurt. devastated. & of course my eating disorder is using this as a wonderful excuse to jump up & have a say in my life.
but i do have some things going for me. i have a wonderful sister. i showed up at her desk today & pulled her into a room & told her what was going on & she hugged me & held me & told me that this really sucks but that i'm a stronger person than i realize & i'll get through it. she's going to stop by my place after work & spend some time with me so that i'm not alone (i mean, besides the ferrets & rats). she made me promise her that i'd go home & have some water & some food. i haven't done so well on that. it's almost 1pm & i still haven't eaten anything. i've had coffee, but not really much water. which i really need. i know i'm dehydrated from crying for several hours straight.
today on my way home from work my good friend dev called me from cali. i'd sent him a text message saying simply "he broke my heart." & dev is an awesome person. he gave me a lot of good advice & put a lot of things in perspective for me. i'm still hurting, really badly. & i may or may not go into work tomorrow. i haven't decided that yet. but one thing dev pointed out is better E say he need some time to figure things out now than 5 years in the future when there are kids involved (yes, there are E & my ferrets involved, & they will be upset about not seeing each other/see each other as often.... but they'll have to buck up & grow up). but it could be worse. he & i could have had kids to deal with, a mortgage, breaking up a household or a myriad of other things that could have made things that much worse. i simply love dev, he never pulls any punches & never sugar coats a single fucking thing. sometimes what he says hurts, but it's always right.
i'm still upset, pretty upset & i'll need more time to process in order to become more okay with all of this. but the biggest thing for me is i'm going to miss E so fucking bad. he's become my best friend, my closest confident, & a really good companion over the course of our relationship & i hate to lose all that. maybe the friendship can be salvaged. i have been able to remain friends with other people i've been involved with, some of them becoming really good friends of mine. maybe this is only a small bump in our relationship. i don't have a crystal ball & i can't predict the future. i know what my preferred outcome is, if i can have my way. but ultimately i want happiness for both E & i.
so happy fucking re-birthday to me.
one thing i know is my sister is right. for some people allowing depression to settle in & cause meal skipping is a temporary thing & nothing too worrisome. but for me i need to be extra vigilant to not let that happen because for me to do that is really dangerous, possibly life threatening. & like E said, i've got my ferrets & rats that depend on me 100%. & if i get sick they won't have anyone. so i'll post this blog. drink some water. nibble a little something. & go nap.
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