window shopping & the like

yesterday i got the keys to my new apartment, but between the time i left work & the time i was able to pick them up i had some time to spare, so i ran some errands that i haven't been able to get to recently. i actually got quite a bit accomplished. stopped by sports authority, then i got new glasses (i'll post pics later) & i stopped at hot topic to pick up some hair dye.

one thing that struck me at the mall is that VERY soon i'll be able to go there & my choices in where to shop for clothing are going to be so much greater. right now i can shop at lane bryant & torrid. sometimes i can get stuff at department stores like kohl's & sears if i want lovely clothes made from polyester floral prints marketed mainly for the medicare set.

it was an odd sensation to walk out of hot topic with my hair dye in hand, see some cute totally sexy/dirty lingerie & know that a year from now i'll be able to walk in & buy it. how can i wrap my head around that? it's one things to know something in the abstract, the clinical, the academic sense. but it's another to know something physically & literally in the flesh. & i can't know the in the flesh feeling because i'm not there yet.

this morning i had my pre-op education with becki at HCMC. basically she asked me a bunch of questions to help the pre-op nurses with my registration (just stuff like verifying medications, family history, that kind of thing). she gave me a run down on what i can expect the day of my surgery & the next day when i'll be released from the hospital. i was also able to ask her some questions. & i'm very happy that while my nose ring & tongue ring have to come out for the surgery, i can leave in my newest piercings, the ones in my tragus (the little flap of skin right next to your head in the middle of your ear). i was hoping i would get to leave those in because they're the newest ones & not completely healed.

so it's all coming together. my surgery. my move. it's just moving fast, but that's good. if i stand still too long i'll think & over think everything. right now i have SO much to keep my mind occupied (just started my spring semester class tonight too) that i can't worry too about my surgery.

lately i have a million thoughts running through my head every day. & a million emotions too. last week i was pretty upset most of the week. just super over emotional. i was over thinking things too much. freaking out a little bit about the fact that my surgery was just a little over two weeks away. & i was kind of feeling a bit under attack at the time too. i was feeling like some of my close friends were thinking i hadn't done enough before resorting to gastric bypass. & then when i started contacting some of my family on my mom's side they were, um, less than enthusiastic for me. or, at least, that's the way it felt to me.

because this is such a deeply personal & emotional decision, & i'm making it pretty public despite that it's so personal, i also feel very exposed. & so when someone that i really trust & think knows me well enough to know i did this with lots of thought questions my motivations i take it to heart more than i really should.

last week jenn actually told me that she didn't believe that i'd accepted for myself that i was having the surgery. & i did think on that for while. i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much, but i had to ponder this one. & i think at the time, she was right. i was excited & nervous about the surgery, but i had not really accepted it & owned it. & i can't even say why i hadn't. maybe because it all still seemed so unreal? i had really thought i would need to redo the nutritional consultations & even the psych eval. i didn't think i'd be having surgery until closer to may or maybe even june. so i think my head is still spinning a wee bit. but it is slowing down some. with my official move just over 30 hours away & my surgery just TEN DAYS AWAY (because i can't really count the 11th since my surgery is the first one of the day) things are really falling into place.