control issues

anyone that knows me at all knows that i have control issues, always have, most likely, always will. part of that is just my personality. part of that is being the oldest child. & i seriously think part of it comes from my ocd tendencies & my compulsion to over worry about every thing.

so knowing all of that you'd think this whole weight loss schtick would be a natural for me. it's the perfect hobby for a compulsive control freak. because if you think about it, it's the ultimate control. i've often read stories about anorexics who started not eating because they felt like their life was completely out of control & so to negate that they started limiting their food & controlling what they ate & the weight that they lost.

now for some reason, the exact opposite is true in my case. when i start to feel like i can't control anything in my life it winds up being even harder for me to limit my food & try to lose weight. in my head the rationale goes something like this: "i can't control anything else that's going on, but if i want a cheeseburger & fries then dammnit i'm going to get my mother effing cheeseburger & fries! & let's add a strawberry shake in there for good measure." it's almost like my response is taking control of what i eat & then stuffing as much tasty bad stuff into my body as humanly possible.

yes, i know that's not a good way to do things. but then again, that's one of the things that makes the human race so great, that every single person reacts SO differently to different stimulis. i will say that i've been doing fairly well since friday, even with my little meltdown & my mom's negativity. & like the wise jessica has stated recently, it's all about the choices. sometimes substitution is a heck of a lot better than out & out denial. i'm also trying to just really enjoy & savor things instead of inhaling them like it's my last day on earth & i need just one more piece of chocolate to survive.

in addition, i'm taking control again of my activity level. i dragged jenn out of her apartment today to work out with me, she was cursing me & giving me the evil eye for a while, but at the end she thanked me for making her come along with me. & of course, i'm thankful that she lets me drag her out of her apartment at the crack of dawn so that i have motivation to go to the gym because someone else is depending on me to be there for them.

my body really is a slow moving machine lately. i ache. i creak. i feel at least double my age. but then again, i've also really abused it lately & not taken care. just like a car when you run 12,000 miles without an oil change, your body acts up if you're not doing proper maintence. so water & i have made up & i'm nearly done with my 64 oz for the day. i'm trying to end the battle with carrots & other vegetables. it's a long & tumultuous history filled with much strife, but headway is definitely being made on that front.

& best of all, the scale may be being nice to me again. yes yes, i know it's not all about the number that flashes me from the led read out, but it can affect my mood & my general attitude towards this whole thing, i'm not going to even pretend that it doesn't matter in the least. so, today after my workout i checked the locker room scale, & if it's to be believed, i have lost a bit of weight since last week. tomorrow is official weigh in day, so i'll wait to post the numbers, but oh, i hope it's right i hope it's right.

all in all, i think it's time that i take an aa approach to all of this & so "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, change the things i can, & the wisdom to know the difference." i know, not exact, but close enough. & my weight is something that can be changed. & of course my fitness, overall health & well being.