yeah yeah yeah, i've been avoiding it, but i know i need to update what's going on with the psych eval that i had friday. the dr was really nice. can't recall his name for the life of me, i think his first name was peter, so yeah, we'll go with peter. i'll be seeing him again in a few weeks. when i got there he asked me why i was there & i was point blank honest with him & said that my therapist & regular doctor think i'm depressed & should consider meds & so i made the appointment to appease them. i'm not sure if people are usually that blunt with him, but he definitely seemed taken aback by that. i mean, i guess on some level i was there because i figured it'd be best for me, but that was the main reason i was there, so why lie about it?
i've been seeing anne & amy for so long now that it was weird having to start back at square 0 & tell someone all about me & my problems. & an hour is definitely not enough. did i cry? yeah, i did. but, i had some pretty heavy BS go down the night before with my family, so it's kind of amazing that i even showed up to the appointment & then work afterwards. so he asked me some questions & i did a lot of talking. A LOT.
in the end even though i told him that no i don't feel i'm depressed he said that he thinks i meet the criteria for being clinically depressed. yeah, whatever that means. so i had four options: the first is do nothing & come back if i decide to try a medication, the second would be to try a liquid med in a pediatric dose & increase dosage gradually over several weeks, the third would be to try a half pill dose of medication & then after a week or two bump up to a full dose, & finally the fourth would be to just start out on a medication at full dose. i chose the last one. i don't want to take meds, but i'm willing to do it temporarily if i have to. & if i'm going to do it i may as well just do it & not fuck around with anything like a half dose or a liquid med. so i'm now taking prozac, the smallest dose they can give me without it being a liquid or splitting a pill.
needless to say there are lots of people not happy about this. me for one. my parents are really not happy. some of my friends are upset on my behalf too. i know, if i really don't want to take the pills it is completely within the scope of my control. i don't HAVE to take them. bit i'm going to try. i took the first one saturday morning. i take one pill, once a day, in the morning. now considering the fact that often times i have trouble taking my vitamins this may or may not go well. we will have to see on this. i am trying to be better about taking my vitamins too. i know that i'm only hurting myself by not taking them (there will be another blog about this AND my unhappiness in relation to my clinic & my unnecessary trip to urgent care last friday evening).
in 3 weeks i go back to see peter to check in on the medication thing. my main goal between now & then is to just take the prozac every day. since i'm very pill challenged lately i think that's a pretty decent goal. what i will say, & i say this LOUDLY & publicly: IF THIS FUCKS UP MY CREATIVE PROCESS & IMPEDES MY WRITING I WILL IMMEDIATELY STOP TAKING THE DAMN PILLS. i have absolutely no sense of humor on this one, no wiggle room, & no leeway. i'm meeting with deborah on wednesday & we're going to put together a schedule, a plan, for me to finish my damn mfa already so i can get on with things. try to get a teaching job, try to just move on with my life. i've been swimming in lame little circles without any forward progress & i need to move on. if these pills help that, then great. but if they make my life, my writing, more difficult then i say screw them hard, i'll go it alone.
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Showing posts with label body image. Show all posts
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
me + my luggage = what?
the new things with airlines is no luggage no extra fee, but you want to check a bag & you're going to pay for it. when i was in cali i did a BUNCH of shopping & got some nifty new stuff (mainly clothes, but also some dvds & new lights for my bedroom). so i had to buy myself a duffel bag to get all my stuff home because i didn't feel like boxing it up & shipping it, or making dev ship it for me. so yesterday morning at the airport i had to pay an extra $40 to get myself & my luggage both back home. i know, highway robbery. it was $15 for the first bag & $25 for the second one, but, i did get tons of stuff out there & it was pretty cheap. i know shipping it probably would've been cheaper, but, like i said i didn't want to deal with that.
so the airport employee had my bags up on the scale & just for kicks i asked how much it weighed. 57.8 lbs for two checked bags. hrm. so let's see. i am about 160 + two checked bags of 57.8= 217.8. & the last time i flew back in 2007 i was 263. so myself & my luggage combined weigh almost 50lbs less than the last time i flew, but they're charging me an extra $40 to check luggage because of increased gas prices. anyone else feel snookered here? cause i know i do. i know it's just a way for the airlines to have higher revenue coming in while appearing to have lowered ticket prices. because seriously, who doesn't fly with checked bags? especially when the size allowance on carry-ons keeps getting smaller & smaller.
personally i'm thinking if gas prices is what is driving the airlines to adjust the prices of flights then there should be some changes to the pricing. how about each ticket giving you a weight allowance. you + luggage is less than or equal to X no additional fee. you + luggage is greater than X & there is a sliding scale fee. i was just told at work "just because you're skinny don't hate on fat people." & i don't hate on fat people. i was one not that long ago & still see myself as such even though dev has nicknamed me his SLB (skinny little bitch) friend. isn't it odd that i still see myself as a fat person? talk about body dysmorphia.
not sure when i plan on flying again, but i may need to just get a bigger suitcase. so instead of two smaller ones & having to pay two luggage fees then i'll just have to pay one fee for one bag. that'll work, right? i know i'll be headed back to the bay within the next year, but just don't know the exact when. in the mean time maybe i'll have to learn how to pack more stuff into a smaller space. lots of possibilities here.
so the airport employee had my bags up on the scale & just for kicks i asked how much it weighed. 57.8 lbs for two checked bags. hrm. so let's see. i am about 160 + two checked bags of 57.8= 217.8. & the last time i flew back in 2007 i was 263. so myself & my luggage combined weigh almost 50lbs less than the last time i flew, but they're charging me an extra $40 to check luggage because of increased gas prices. anyone else feel snookered here? cause i know i do. i know it's just a way for the airlines to have higher revenue coming in while appearing to have lowered ticket prices. because seriously, who doesn't fly with checked bags? especially when the size allowance on carry-ons keeps getting smaller & smaller.
personally i'm thinking if gas prices is what is driving the airlines to adjust the prices of flights then there should be some changes to the pricing. how about each ticket giving you a weight allowance. you + luggage is less than or equal to X no additional fee. you + luggage is greater than X & there is a sliding scale fee. i was just told at work "just because you're skinny don't hate on fat people." & i don't hate on fat people. i was one not that long ago & still see myself as such even though dev has nicknamed me his SLB (skinny little bitch) friend. isn't it odd that i still see myself as a fat person? talk about body dysmorphia.
not sure when i plan on flying again, but i may need to just get a bigger suitcase. so instead of two smaller ones & having to pay two luggage fees then i'll just have to pay one fee for one bag. that'll work, right? i know i'll be headed back to the bay within the next year, but just don't know the exact when. in the mean time maybe i'll have to learn how to pack more stuff into a smaller space. lots of possibilities here.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
my body is not my own
first, a disclaimer: this is not in anyway at all aimed at anyone person, should not be taken personally by anyone, & is not intended to alter anyone's actions or interactions with me. rather, this is simply an observation that is the sum of my experiences post surgery.
my title is very apt because i'm feeling that my body really is not my own lately. i feel that everyone i come across owns a little piece of me except for me. & every morning i wake up & my body is a little different than it was when i went to bed the night before. sometimes it's my weight fluctuating by two or more pounds, sometimes it's that i can't stand cheese when the day before it was all i could eat, sometimes it's that i gag on just plain water, sometimes it's that i feel a new curve or bony bit that wasn't there previously.
of course going into all of this i knew that my body would change rapidly. & at times, like those days where the scale doesn't budge or moves by just one tenth of a pound, i want to stamp my feet & throw a first class temper tantrum because i feel that only eating a total of a cup & a half of food a day i should see some more movement on the scale, damn it. but mostly i just kind of stare at the scale as it ventures downward into numbers i've never seen before & try to feel & see the differences that everyone else says are so blatantly evident.
i'll admit, sometimes when i can't sleep at night, which happens often lately when the rest of the world is deeply sleeping, i'll wonder why i can't see what everyone else can. how can i have lost SO much weight & not feel it somehow? it was suggested to me yesterday that maybe i'm still psychologically fighting the surgery. that even though i had the surgery done that there is something in the dark recesses of my psyche that is making me miserable, making my recovery more difficult, making there be that disconnect between what i see & what the world sees. i would hate for that to be true, but as i've admitted, i really am my own worst enemy. & it probably doesn't help that my mom keeps asking me if i regret it & saying she wishes i had never had surgery at all. that has to fuck a person up, i'm guessing.
but back to feeling that my body is not my own. everyone has those sacred things in their life & the most sacred is your body. it's one of the few things that each person really & truly owns, has domain over, & is completely responsible for. & along with all of that comes the control to hide away & camouflage those flaws that you'd prefer no one else saw, or the things that you want to covet & hold for your own because you want to keep them sacred, or just the things you don't want to share with the world for whatever reason. & in my life lately any, all, & more than that have been fair game it seems.
now i don't blame anyone for being curious. this was a huge thing that i did with my life. it was a huge change physically (first the surgical change of the way my body functions & subsequently the actual change of losing so much weight so rapidly). but at times, it can get a bit much. i'm asked so often how much weight i've lost that the mystery of how much i weigh/weighed is no longer a mystery. i've been asked if i've had sex since the surgery. have i been more gassy since surgery? has my hair started falling out? did i have a catheter during the surgery? have i been constipated? & no, these are not questions asked by doctors but by just random people i know. some people i don't even know well enough to give my blog address to! basically the only things i haven't been asked is what size jeans i'm wearing & how big are my tits.
yeah, it gets to be a bit much. i don't mind answering questions about the surgical procedure, my eating habits, or even how much weight i've lost. but sometimes i really want to wrap myself up in a blanket & curl up & keep somethings safe for my own.
my title is very apt because i'm feeling that my body really is not my own lately. i feel that everyone i come across owns a little piece of me except for me. & every morning i wake up & my body is a little different than it was when i went to bed the night before. sometimes it's my weight fluctuating by two or more pounds, sometimes it's that i can't stand cheese when the day before it was all i could eat, sometimes it's that i gag on just plain water, sometimes it's that i feel a new curve or bony bit that wasn't there previously.
of course going into all of this i knew that my body would change rapidly. & at times, like those days where the scale doesn't budge or moves by just one tenth of a pound, i want to stamp my feet & throw a first class temper tantrum because i feel that only eating a total of a cup & a half of food a day i should see some more movement on the scale, damn it. but mostly i just kind of stare at the scale as it ventures downward into numbers i've never seen before & try to feel & see the differences that everyone else says are so blatantly evident.
i'll admit, sometimes when i can't sleep at night, which happens often lately when the rest of the world is deeply sleeping, i'll wonder why i can't see what everyone else can. how can i have lost SO much weight & not feel it somehow? it was suggested to me yesterday that maybe i'm still psychologically fighting the surgery. that even though i had the surgery done that there is something in the dark recesses of my psyche that is making me miserable, making my recovery more difficult, making there be that disconnect between what i see & what the world sees. i would hate for that to be true, but as i've admitted, i really am my own worst enemy. & it probably doesn't help that my mom keeps asking me if i regret it & saying she wishes i had never had surgery at all. that has to fuck a person up, i'm guessing.
but back to feeling that my body is not my own. everyone has those sacred things in their life & the most sacred is your body. it's one of the few things that each person really & truly owns, has domain over, & is completely responsible for. & along with all of that comes the control to hide away & camouflage those flaws that you'd prefer no one else saw, or the things that you want to covet & hold for your own because you want to keep them sacred, or just the things you don't want to share with the world for whatever reason. & in my life lately any, all, & more than that have been fair game it seems.
now i don't blame anyone for being curious. this was a huge thing that i did with my life. it was a huge change physically (first the surgical change of the way my body functions & subsequently the actual change of losing so much weight so rapidly). but at times, it can get a bit much. i'm asked so often how much weight i've lost that the mystery of how much i weigh/weighed is no longer a mystery. i've been asked if i've had sex since the surgery. have i been more gassy since surgery? has my hair started falling out? did i have a catheter during the surgery? have i been constipated? & no, these are not questions asked by doctors but by just random people i know. some people i don't even know well enough to give my blog address to! basically the only things i haven't been asked is what size jeans i'm wearing & how big are my tits.
yeah, it gets to be a bit much. i don't mind answering questions about the surgical procedure, my eating habits, or even how much weight i've lost. but sometimes i really want to wrap myself up in a blanket & curl up & keep somethings safe for my own.
Friday, March 09, 2007
nuff with the procrastinating! or so i thought. . .
i really thought that today was DO OR DIE day for me when it comes to the major life altering decision of the GB. i had it in my head that i had to know for 100% sure, none of that ept (99.999% sure) crap, that i really wanted to, or not wanted to, do the surgery. & further more that if i was indeed going ahead with the surgery i had to pick which surgery before i showed up at HCMC today. &, oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, i didn't have to be to that for really sure point.
which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.
even though, i really thought that i was.
if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.
let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?
maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.
granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.
so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.
all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.
which is grand. cause i wasn't. & i'm still not.
even though, i really thought that i was.
if any of that makes a lick of sense to anyone else besides me.
let me 'splain. no, too much, let me sum up (name that movie!): i had definitely planned on going into HCMC & saying to the doctor that "thanks, but no thanks, no slicey-dicey for this chick!" but then, the closer that i got to the point where i was going to go in & do that very brave thing of walking away completely from surgery, i started to panic. i started to think that maybe i can't really do this on my own. & if i say no at this point, what was the point of those appointments with christine last fall? what was the point of getting the mental health assessment done & meeting with the psychiatrist? what was the point of ANY of that if i'm abandoning all of that right now?
maybe it's because i'm not ready to totally say no the the surgery option. it's kind of comforting to know that if i fail on my own that i have that as a back-up, waiting for me. & like i've said over & over, i really don't want to have to go that route, but there is a pretty big part of me that is not ready to completely remove that option from my life right now.
granted, i'm having a decent amount of success lately on my own. although, i want to note that while it's without surgical intervention, it's definitely NOT all on my own. i have jenn & riley & all of my other friends cheering me on & supporting me as i try to do this. but i still have a long way to go. i still have to lose at least one hundred pounds to be anywhere near what my weight should be for my height. & that's a lot of weight. it's a lot of time. & it's very scary & intimidating. then again, surgery is a pretty scary thing too.
so where does this leave me? i did tell dr. lederer that i wasn't ready to make a decision right now. he told me that i definitely didn't have to make my decision today. phew! that was a big relief for me! he said that he could put a note on my file & if i decide to go ahead with surgery that my file is still there with all of my info & he can go ahead with the referral & get the notification all set up for my insurance. in the mean time he told me that i can definitely see the dietitian again if that's something i'm interested in. & that i can also visit dr. hartley & he can help me if i want to continue on my own.
all in all i left hcmc feeling a lot better than when i got there. & one thing that was nice is that after talking with dr. lederer for a while he said that he had really enjoyed meeting me & that i was a very insightful person. which is definitely nice to hear. so, still going ahead with trying to do this whole thing on my own. i'll be meeting with dr. hartley on april 20th, yeah, 4-20. which is five, almost six weeks away. the time is kind of a bummer in that it's not sooner, but i'll still keep working as hard as i can on my own & hopefully when they weigh me in on the 20th of april i'll have some numbers that i'm happy with. maybe the hospital will even show me in the 250's! anything is possible.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
what's that in the sky?
it's a bird, it's a plane, oh wait, it's. . .it's. . .invisible! wtf, where did they go?
so i'm getting my smile fixed, yippee! as many of you who've known me for years know, i did indeed have braces. so seriously, i was fat with glasses & braces, i really had no chance for being a popular kid, did i? but anyway i did have braces, & retainers, & my orthodontist forgot my name, so i eventually stopped wearing my retainers & voila, my teeth decided to rearrange themselves, so my teeth are slightly fooked, gang.
now i didn't especially enjoy my braces experience the first time around, & didn't relish the thought of doing it all over again. but my wonderful dentist had talked with me back at the end of 2004 about something called invisiline. basically it's a serious of trays that slowly move your teeth from their original fooked up position to the desired perfect placement. my dentist did tell me that i will have a long treatment time, probably about a year or more. & that i will need retainers for probably the rest of my life. my teeth are pesky little buggers that really want to do what the heck they want to do!
it's not a cheap treatment, & i hate to admit how much i'm paying for this little piece of vanity. but i also feel that part of what's important in my weight loss journey is in general feeling good about myself, & i really don't feel great about my teeth. it's not like i look like my teeth have never seen the inside of a dentist's office, but they are kinda crooked & it does bug me a lot. & i know my parents, especially my dad, are pretty upset that they spent all that money on orthodonture only to have my teeth look pretty messed up anyway. although, granted, they're loads better now than before i started the whole process. all i'm gonna say is maybe it's not such a bad thing to look at a potential spouse's mouth & jaw alignment before committing to procreation with said person.
& of course with my wedding looming on the horizon, about 49 weeks away, i really want to look great & feel great on that day. yeah yeah yeah yeah, i know it's not all about my physical appearance. but i also know myself well enough to know that i'm a closed mouth smiler when i'm feeling self conscious about my teeth, & my teeth are the very last thing i should be thinking about on my wedding day. i also think that as i make this change it will help me others. OH, & as a nice little bonus i'll have to brush & floss my teeth after i eat anything, which will prevent me from excessive snacking since i'll need to have these puppies on my teeth for around 20hrs/day. nice, huh?
so i'm getting my smile fixed, yippee! as many of you who've known me for years know, i did indeed have braces. so seriously, i was fat with glasses & braces, i really had no chance for being a popular kid, did i? but anyway i did have braces, & retainers, & my orthodontist forgot my name, so i eventually stopped wearing my retainers & voila, my teeth decided to rearrange themselves, so my teeth are slightly fooked, gang.
now i didn't especially enjoy my braces experience the first time around, & didn't relish the thought of doing it all over again. but my wonderful dentist had talked with me back at the end of 2004 about something called invisiline. basically it's a serious of trays that slowly move your teeth from their original fooked up position to the desired perfect placement. my dentist did tell me that i will have a long treatment time, probably about a year or more. & that i will need retainers for probably the rest of my life. my teeth are pesky little buggers that really want to do what the heck they want to do!
it's not a cheap treatment, & i hate to admit how much i'm paying for this little piece of vanity. but i also feel that part of what's important in my weight loss journey is in general feeling good about myself, & i really don't feel great about my teeth. it's not like i look like my teeth have never seen the inside of a dentist's office, but they are kinda crooked & it does bug me a lot. & i know my parents, especially my dad, are pretty upset that they spent all that money on orthodonture only to have my teeth look pretty messed up anyway. although, granted, they're loads better now than before i started the whole process. all i'm gonna say is maybe it's not such a bad thing to look at a potential spouse's mouth & jaw alignment before committing to procreation with said person.
& of course with my wedding looming on the horizon, about 49 weeks away, i really want to look great & feel great on that day. yeah yeah yeah yeah, i know it's not all about my physical appearance. but i also know myself well enough to know that i'm a closed mouth smiler when i'm feeling self conscious about my teeth, & my teeth are the very last thing i should be thinking about on my wedding day. i also think that as i make this change it will help me others. OH, & as a nice little bonus i'll have to brush & floss my teeth after i eat anything, which will prevent me from excessive snacking since i'll need to have these puppies on my teeth for around 20hrs/day. nice, huh?
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
love me, love my mittendorfs
so i've done some soul searching, but not at the bottom of a pint of ice cream, yea me! & i've come to a realization. last year, or, more accurately, late 2004 through beginning 2005, when i was losing scads of weight, the difference was that for the first time in my life i really honest to god loved myself. i knew that i was smart, beautiful, talented, & the weight was just an external thing. just a physical thing, baby. & that's what made it possible for me to lose weight so easily. because i came to terms with my bad past, & that i couldn't do thing one about it, BUT i could change my destiny!
ok, i'll wait for you to barf. done?
but really, it all comes down to self love, self respect, & realizing that you really are worth it. it's been said too many times, but really, if you want someone to love you, you must first love yourself. luckily for me, jack is a total sweet heart who has stayed with me through my self doubt & self hatred, & he still reassures me that he loves me & that i'm beautiful. he'll even randomly tell me that "you're so much hotter than this chick i saw...." ok, that one does make me feel bad for whoever this random chick may be, but makes me feel good too that he's still hot for my [jiggly] bod.
so with the wedding ticker down to 51 weeks i'm starting a new diet. the "i love me, i'm worth it, & i really don't want that stickin snickers bar" diet. like the name? it's all mine baby. ok, not my best work, but it's a start.
ok, i'll wait for you to barf. done?
but really, it all comes down to self love, self respect, & realizing that you really are worth it. it's been said too many times, but really, if you want someone to love you, you must first love yourself. luckily for me, jack is a total sweet heart who has stayed with me through my self doubt & self hatred, & he still reassures me that he loves me & that i'm beautiful. he'll even randomly tell me that "you're so much hotter than this chick i saw...." ok, that one does make me feel bad for whoever this random chick may be, but makes me feel good too that he's still hot for my [jiggly] bod.
so with the wedding ticker down to 51 weeks i'm starting a new diet. the "i love me, i'm worth it, & i really don't want that stickin snickers bar" diet. like the name? it's all mine baby. ok, not my best work, but it's a start.
Friday, June 23, 2006
& my buns, they don't feel nuthin' like steel
name that movie quote for a half a million brownie points.
on my lunch i did the stairs at work, again. supposedly if you use stairs it helps get your butt firmed & lifted up, somewhat similar to all those butt videos out there. granted, this is only the second day in a row that i've done the whole set of stairs at work, but i've been doing other glute work & still no visible results. i am still doing the ass checks. so i've felt my butt & it's not resembling steel to me, but who knows, it might to someone else. now my dear boy is not reading this blog, so he won't get this request. i'm thinking of getting someone to feel my posterior & tell me if it's getting firmer at all.
yeah, that may be asking a lot of a friend, i'm not sure that friendship goes that far. i know that jenn wouldn't do my ass check for me, so there's no way she'll do a feel test to see if my jello-esq booty is becoming less jiggly & more solid. so do i have anyone in the audience that could assist me with this? my preference is a friend, someone that i already know. i mean, it'd be simply fabulous if jack would do this for me, but i'm slightly miffed he's not reading my blog. not like i'm holding a grudge or anything, but seriously guys, i'm a writer & my fiance isn't reading my writing. that just isn't right, no matter what the color of the sky is in your world.
i also did a long workout again today. two whole days in a row, wow, add a third one & we can have the start of a bonifide roll. obviously i can't do the stairs on the weekends, but as my video shelf can corroborate that i have more than enough exercise dvds & vhs to work out everyday for a few hours at home without becoming bored. weekends can just be the death of workouts & good eating habits. it seems like the weekends are typically a time to relax, chill out, chillax, whatever. a time to give yourself a rest from work & structure & all that jazz. for me that usually involves booze & something yummy with lots of melted cheese & of course, dessert. then monday comes around & i feel so incredibly shitty because i goofed off all weekend, ate crap food & didn't do any more activity than was absolutely required of me.
it's friday evening, quitting time for most people, i still have another three hours & forty minutes, & my second break left of my working day. i do work at the group home all weekend, so i'm going to use that as an excuse for why i won't be doing a couple hours of exercise each day this weekend. but i'll set a modest goal. 30 minutes, or more, each day of some kind of exercise. even just walking the puppy on a meandering stroll counts because it's keeping me out of the house & away from the cookies.
i've talked with some of my friends that have the same issue. they've been perfect angels all week, watching what they eat, getting all their water in, working out for at least 30 minutes each day, & then the weekend hits, out comes the jag-bombs & it's the top of a nice slip&slide weekend of my two favorite sins, gluttony & sloth. why must alcohol be such a diet no-no? i like my booze. it gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling. & it makes karaoke possible for most of the free world. but i also know that my favorite drink what happens in vegas stays in vegas is wickedly bad for me caloricly, so it's best to just say no. eeek! does this mean i'm agreeing with nancy reagan?!
speaking of body parts which are not steel, i'm still having issue with my mitendorfs. (see blog re-frickin-dic-u-lous, seriously for definition) my entire twenty minutes of weight lifting this morning was concentrated on my upper arms, specifically that flappity-flap-flap part. i do know that it's the hardest part of the body to firm up, it's not like i'm new to this whole rodeo, gang. will it actually help firm those up if i do an hour of upper body each day? i'm serious, i could commit to an hour a day if it meant that my upper arms didn't look like they were two feet wide & filled with chunky pudding anymore. but would that intensity be beneficial or harmful?
give it time. to that statement i give a big wet raspberry. i'm sick of giving it time. time is something i just don't have enough of. & why does it have to be so fucking hard? i mean, most of the world is not fat. most of them can just sit down to eat & not agonize over every single forkful. & frankly, it's not fun anymore. if it wasn't for the fact that i get violently ill when i don't eat often enough i most likely wouldn't bother. too much of my day is spent thinking about food, planning what i'll buy, what i'll eat, counting the seconds until that next break when i can get something to nibble. somehow i've developed a very dysfunctional relationship when it comes to food. i have admitted this in an addict comes clean. & yeah yeah yeah, admitting you have a problem is the first step. well i've admitted it & i'm not feeling any better. like i've said before, if i was a junkie i could be tossed in rehab, detoxed, & come out with a chance. what the hell do you do with a food addict? it feels like i'm set up to fail, cause i can't quit it & i can't get the help i need.
on my lunch i did the stairs at work, again. supposedly if you use stairs it helps get your butt firmed & lifted up, somewhat similar to all those butt videos out there. granted, this is only the second day in a row that i've done the whole set of stairs at work, but i've been doing other glute work & still no visible results. i am still doing the ass checks. so i've felt my butt & it's not resembling steel to me, but who knows, it might to someone else. now my dear boy is not reading this blog, so he won't get this request. i'm thinking of getting someone to feel my posterior & tell me if it's getting firmer at all.
yeah, that may be asking a lot of a friend, i'm not sure that friendship goes that far. i know that jenn wouldn't do my ass check for me, so there's no way she'll do a feel test to see if my jello-esq booty is becoming less jiggly & more solid. so do i have anyone in the audience that could assist me with this? my preference is a friend, someone that i already know. i mean, it'd be simply fabulous if jack would do this for me, but i'm slightly miffed he's not reading my blog. not like i'm holding a grudge or anything, but seriously guys, i'm a writer & my fiance isn't reading my writing. that just isn't right, no matter what the color of the sky is in your world.
i also did a long workout again today. two whole days in a row, wow, add a third one & we can have the start of a bonifide roll. obviously i can't do the stairs on the weekends, but as my video shelf can corroborate that i have more than enough exercise dvds & vhs to work out everyday for a few hours at home without becoming bored. weekends can just be the death of workouts & good eating habits. it seems like the weekends are typically a time to relax, chill out, chillax, whatever. a time to give yourself a rest from work & structure & all that jazz. for me that usually involves booze & something yummy with lots of melted cheese & of course, dessert. then monday comes around & i feel so incredibly shitty because i goofed off all weekend, ate crap food & didn't do any more activity than was absolutely required of me.
it's friday evening, quitting time for most people, i still have another three hours & forty minutes, & my second break left of my working day. i do work at the group home all weekend, so i'm going to use that as an excuse for why i won't be doing a couple hours of exercise each day this weekend. but i'll set a modest goal. 30 minutes, or more, each day of some kind of exercise. even just walking the puppy on a meandering stroll counts because it's keeping me out of the house & away from the cookies.
i've talked with some of my friends that have the same issue. they've been perfect angels all week, watching what they eat, getting all their water in, working out for at least 30 minutes each day, & then the weekend hits, out comes the jag-bombs & it's the top of a nice slip&slide weekend of my two favorite sins, gluttony & sloth. why must alcohol be such a diet no-no? i like my booze. it gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling. & it makes karaoke possible for most of the free world. but i also know that my favorite drink what happens in vegas stays in vegas is wickedly bad for me caloricly, so it's best to just say no. eeek! does this mean i'm agreeing with nancy reagan?!
speaking of body parts which are not steel, i'm still having issue with my mitendorfs. (see blog re-frickin-dic-u-lous, seriously for definition) my entire twenty minutes of weight lifting this morning was concentrated on my upper arms, specifically that flappity-flap-flap part. i do know that it's the hardest part of the body to firm up, it's not like i'm new to this whole rodeo, gang. will it actually help firm those up if i do an hour of upper body each day? i'm serious, i could commit to an hour a day if it meant that my upper arms didn't look like they were two feet wide & filled with chunky pudding anymore. but would that intensity be beneficial or harmful?
give it time. to that statement i give a big wet raspberry. i'm sick of giving it time. time is something i just don't have enough of. & why does it have to be so fucking hard? i mean, most of the world is not fat. most of them can just sit down to eat & not agonize over every single forkful. & frankly, it's not fun anymore. if it wasn't for the fact that i get violently ill when i don't eat often enough i most likely wouldn't bother. too much of my day is spent thinking about food, planning what i'll buy, what i'll eat, counting the seconds until that next break when i can get something to nibble. somehow i've developed a very dysfunctional relationship when it comes to food. i have admitted this in an addict comes clean. & yeah yeah yeah, admitting you have a problem is the first step. well i've admitted it & i'm not feeling any better. like i've said before, if i was a junkie i could be tossed in rehab, detoxed, & come out with a chance. what the hell do you do with a food addict? it feels like i'm set up to fail, cause i can't quit it & i can't get the help i need.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
'cause i said so
today's my birthday & i almost, almost, stepped on my scale this morning, & then i decided that really wasn't the right way to start off a new year of my life, obsessing about my weight. now granted, i can't continue to out & out ignore it as i have in the past. & that isn't my intention at all. but i really am trying to get my attitude straightened out & getting all depressed on my birthday because my weight is still in the 260's is not the way to do that. especially considering i'm still feeling uber shitty about the whole accident thing & the fact that it is very certain that my insurance rates are going to go up. BLECH.
& the results on my 2 week goals.
N drink 96oz water/day
N make my bed every day
N workout 10 of the next 14 days for at least 60min/day
N write at least 28 poems
N eat out only twice
N say one nice thing about myself each day
N write for an average of 1 hour/day
Y attempt my firm workouts at least once
N take my puppy for 5, or more, walks
N get my hair cut
Y get my 'lock lexxy up 1 level
N no eating after 9pm
N take the stairs at work once (up & down)
Y write ten blogs
not sure great stats, huh? i'm happy that i did get three of the fourteen accomplished. & the answers to all of these are not so cut & dried, it's not like i completely failed. i was doing fabulous on the water until this past weekend when i got sick, i haven't gotten back on track since then. for all of the rest of them i accomplished them somewhat, it's not like i made this list & then completely forgot about it. ok, admittedly, the hair cut is either a yes or no & i just didn't have the time to get into my stylist. & i really didn't want to part with that money right now.
i do recognize that giving myself a long to-do list just doesn't work for me. i need things in smaller bites. i need to make more things a habit before jumping into a bunch of goals. because if i attempt to do too many things at once i'm not going to really accomplish any of them. i am very much a creature of habit, just ask jack. sometimes it drives him absolutely batty, but i do find comfort in my routines & habits.
it's widely accepted that it takes two to three weeks for a behavior to actually become a habit. & if you think about it, that's a whole lot of work, making sure to do something every single day of the week, especially for someone so ADD as myself. & my focus isn't always the best, ask just about anyone who's known me for more than a day. two weeks. that takes us to june 29th, basically the end of the month. starting today i will drink 64-96oz of water every day. i will also work out for a minimum of 3-5days for 30+minutes per day. now i know that i'm capable of more. i know i can drink 96oz of water per day. & i can do an hour & a half, or more, work out on a given day. the trick is to do both of these so often that they're second nature to me.
my 29th year. i gotta make it rock, folks. & i vow that this time next year, when i hit the big 3-0 i will not, under any circumstances, weigh over 200 lbs. ok, if i'm eight months pregnant with triplets or something, then it might be acceptable. but otherwise, nope, nada, it just ain't gonna happen. as god is my witness, as god is my witness, i'll never be fat again.
& the results on my 2 week goals.
N drink 96oz water/day
N make my bed every day
N workout 10 of the next 14 days for at least 60min/day
N write at least 28 poems
N eat out only twice
N say one nice thing about myself each day
N write for an average of 1 hour/day
Y attempt my firm workouts at least once
N take my puppy for 5, or more, walks
N get my hair cut
Y get my 'lock lexxy up 1 level
N no eating after 9pm
N take the stairs at work once (up & down)
Y write ten blogs
not sure great stats, huh? i'm happy that i did get three of the fourteen accomplished. & the answers to all of these are not so cut & dried, it's not like i completely failed. i was doing fabulous on the water until this past weekend when i got sick, i haven't gotten back on track since then. for all of the rest of them i accomplished them somewhat, it's not like i made this list & then completely forgot about it. ok, admittedly, the hair cut is either a yes or no & i just didn't have the time to get into my stylist. & i really didn't want to part with that money right now.
i do recognize that giving myself a long to-do list just doesn't work for me. i need things in smaller bites. i need to make more things a habit before jumping into a bunch of goals. because if i attempt to do too many things at once i'm not going to really accomplish any of them. i am very much a creature of habit, just ask jack. sometimes it drives him absolutely batty, but i do find comfort in my routines & habits.
it's widely accepted that it takes two to three weeks for a behavior to actually become a habit. & if you think about it, that's a whole lot of work, making sure to do something every single day of the week, especially for someone so ADD as myself. & my focus isn't always the best, ask just about anyone who's known me for more than a day. two weeks. that takes us to june 29th, basically the end of the month. starting today i will drink 64-96oz of water every day. i will also work out for a minimum of 3-5days for 30+minutes per day. now i know that i'm capable of more. i know i can drink 96oz of water per day. & i can do an hour & a half, or more, work out on a given day. the trick is to do both of these so often that they're second nature to me.
my 29th year. i gotta make it rock, folks. & i vow that this time next year, when i hit the big 3-0 i will not, under any circumstances, weigh over 200 lbs. ok, if i'm eight months pregnant with triplets or something, then it might be acceptable. but otherwise, nope, nada, it just ain't gonna happen. as god is my witness, as god is my witness, i'll never be fat again.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
let's take this show on the road
i just found out, about half an hour ago, that i'm going on a business trip for work. seriously, who'd've ever thought that i would be saying those words? not i, said the fly. i'm going to new jersey, i've never actually been there, i've flown through there, over it, but never "hung" out there. the one upside is that i'll be within an hour of manhattan, so i might be able to head there. also, my sister & niece live in connecticut so i may call them & see if they're able to travel out to see me for dinner or something. otherwise, it'll be an interesting experience, to say the least.
one of the things i said after josh & jack & i got back from san francisco is that i wouldn't travel again until i'd lost 50lbs. i know there is absolutely no way to do that in the next two weeks. but this is also something that i'm doing for work, so it's not like i chose to go on a trip, which means all that i can do is my very best. i will be packing my lap top & some dvds so that i can do some exercise dvds in my hotel room. i don't even know if the hotel has a gym or anything. hmmm. interesting. i may have to investigate this hotel.
>>>>
investigation done. & dayum. it's a very nice looking place. wa-hoo. i won't gloat too much because jenn hates me : ( j/k she doesn't hate me, but is wicked jealous because her family lives in vermont so they could visit her if she were going to new jersey.
maybe this is a good thing. traveling for work. on the one hand i'm excited to go, & on the other i really want to just stay here with my yogi. guess it's all part of that whole unease that i've been dealing with lately. i'm sure that it's going to be a good thing for me to go & do this testing for my work. definitely a time for me to shine.
as always the whole "fat phobia" is rearing its ugly head. when i just talk to people on the phone i don't have a "fat voice." i sound cute, spunky, vibrant, & sexy as hell. but in person, well, my opinion is that i'm not exactly any of that. so i kind of hate having to meet people that i've talked with lots on the phone because i usually feel this disappointment when they see me. some of the people i'll be working with there are ones that i've been working on this extra project with at work. & besides that whole crushing of a preconceived notion thing, there's also the fact that, no matter what anyone tells you. often times people see fat people as less competent, stupid, lazy, & gross. it doesn't matter that that notion is completely insane & untrue. it's still alive & well here in america.
i'm not looking for sympathy or reassuring cooing at this point. because, the truth of it is, no matter how much the people around me think these are ludicrous fears, the fact is, they still exist & are very real for me. i hate to call them demons, because it seems to give them too much credit. but these are some of the fears that haunt me.
let's just hope that the number of panic attacks in the next two weeks is kept to a bare minimum & that i don't make too much of an ass of myself.
the plane ride is also wigging me out. i was so uncomfortable on my last trip because i'm bigger than i want to be & people hate flying next to a fat person they don't know. trust me, i'm an expert at this one. i've seen the dread & the repulsion when people realize that i'll be the one sitting next to them. as if because i'm fat i have some horrible incurable disease that will at any moment strike them down. like i said earlier, nothing i can do about it at this point, but i can do my best to make sure that the next time i travel after this i'm smaller than i am now. even 30lbs would make a world of difference.
maybe i'll bring my bon jovi new jersey cd, because, well, everything's better with bon jovi.
one of the things i said after josh & jack & i got back from san francisco is that i wouldn't travel again until i'd lost 50lbs. i know there is absolutely no way to do that in the next two weeks. but this is also something that i'm doing for work, so it's not like i chose to go on a trip, which means all that i can do is my very best. i will be packing my lap top & some dvds so that i can do some exercise dvds in my hotel room. i don't even know if the hotel has a gym or anything. hmmm. interesting. i may have to investigate this hotel.
>>>>
investigation done. & dayum. it's a very nice looking place. wa-hoo. i won't gloat too much because jenn hates me : ( j/k she doesn't hate me, but is wicked jealous because her family lives in vermont so they could visit her if she were going to new jersey.
maybe this is a good thing. traveling for work. on the one hand i'm excited to go, & on the other i really want to just stay here with my yogi. guess it's all part of that whole unease that i've been dealing with lately. i'm sure that it's going to be a good thing for me to go & do this testing for my work. definitely a time for me to shine.
as always the whole "fat phobia" is rearing its ugly head. when i just talk to people on the phone i don't have a "fat voice." i sound cute, spunky, vibrant, & sexy as hell. but in person, well, my opinion is that i'm not exactly any of that. so i kind of hate having to meet people that i've talked with lots on the phone because i usually feel this disappointment when they see me. some of the people i'll be working with there are ones that i've been working on this extra project with at work. & besides that whole crushing of a preconceived notion thing, there's also the fact that, no matter what anyone tells you. often times people see fat people as less competent, stupid, lazy, & gross. it doesn't matter that that notion is completely insane & untrue. it's still alive & well here in america.
i'm not looking for sympathy or reassuring cooing at this point. because, the truth of it is, no matter how much the people around me think these are ludicrous fears, the fact is, they still exist & are very real for me. i hate to call them demons, because it seems to give them too much credit. but these are some of the fears that haunt me.
let's just hope that the number of panic attacks in the next two weeks is kept to a bare minimum & that i don't make too much of an ass of myself.
the plane ride is also wigging me out. i was so uncomfortable on my last trip because i'm bigger than i want to be & people hate flying next to a fat person they don't know. trust me, i'm an expert at this one. i've seen the dread & the repulsion when people realize that i'll be the one sitting next to them. as if because i'm fat i have some horrible incurable disease that will at any moment strike them down. like i said earlier, nothing i can do about it at this point, but i can do my best to make sure that the next time i travel after this i'm smaller than i am now. even 30lbs would make a world of difference.
maybe i'll bring my bon jovi new jersey cd, because, well, everything's better with bon jovi.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
perception vs reality
childhood self-image
my perception of myself as a child is that i was huge. not just pudgy & squishy, but by god a fat f*cking piece of humanity that should be hidden away from the universe. yeah, maybe my adult self is exaggerating a bit on behalf of my childhood self, except, except there's all those strong memories of self loathing & wishing that i could just-wake up thin-go to sleep forever-be normal-& all the other variations that have crossed my mind since i was about seven.
childhood reality
i was flipping through pictures yesterday ranging from my wee young toddler years all the way up to around when i was 13-14. & for the first time i really saw, i mean actually saw that i wasn't really a fat kid, not until junior high. granted i was pudgy, like the pillsbury dough boy with pigtails & glasses, but in an endearing sort of way. yeah, i could've definitely lost a few pounds & been a-ok, but i wasn't that obsese, not like some of the kids that are profiled on the talk shows "my toddler weighs 100lbs & i'll keep feeding him pizza anyway" it really wasn't until that dreadful transition from elementary to junior high that i actually blew up. & while looking at the pictures i cried. the tears actually streaming so fast down my face i could barely see.
as a kid i looked in the mirror & i really did see someone who was so huge that there was almost no hope. granted, it probably didn't help anything that my best friend was the skinniest girl in our grade, & a gymnast, & a dancer to boot. all of that aside, it didn't change the way i felt, waking up each morning, getting on the bus, & going to school. being out of breath in gym class, feeling squished & uncomfortable in my desk. all of that along with some not so encouraging messages from a few family members made me see someone with four chins who was five feet wide whenever i looked at my reflection.
no, it's not another episode of "let's blame all our problems on our rotten childhood." i am old enough to know better. & i realize that by the time i was 14-15 the decisions i was making were completely my own. i was well on my way to being an adult & i could have changed things if i had really really wanted to do so. except for, i did want to change, but i felt that i didn't deserve change.
when i was in my early teens my pediatrician made me go to a weight loss clinic. while at the clinic i saw a dietician, a physical therapist, & a psychologist. now that i work in health insurance i realize that i had a pretty sweet deal, especially since my parents didn't have to really pay anything for the appointments other than their regular premiums. but at the time i wasn't ready, i was being forced to be there. so i politely listened to what they said, then went home & did what ever i wanted. when the psychologist gave me a test to see if i was depressed i lied. the test was so see-through that i just answered it the way they wanted me to answer it, no way was i about to admit that i was so depressed that suicide was always on my mind. & that sums up the whole experience. i told them what they wanted so they'd leave me alone. & i don't think i lost a single pound. a part of me really wanted to try, to get in shape, but a larger portion of me was in such a dark place that it seemed as impossible to me as waking up one day on the moon.
i'm not sure how much it really helps me to analyze, or over analyze, my early years. except that, it may help me to figure out how to change some of these behaviors. i do know that i'm a self sabotoger. it almost seems that i have no control as i munch the reese's miniatures or drive myself through taco bell to grab a snack when i'm on my way home to have dinner. now i'm not trying to live up to the fat person cliche here, but i do know i do these things. when i'm doing well on exercising & eating right there's something in me that suddenly decides that i will simply die if i don't immediately get a king size whatchamacallit. mmmm....whatchamacallit. sounds kind of good right now.....
the sad part in all of this? right now i know that i'm sabotaging myself with my behavior. i'm very aware that what i'm doing is derailing all the hard work that i'm putting into my life. & a part of me could really give a rat's ass on the whole thing. & another part of me is so upset that diving under my down comforter & crying myself to sleep sounds like a wonderful idea. i won't even try to pretend that i have all of my shit together because that is such a bald faced lie. at one point i really thought i had all my shit together. but here's the thing, while i was working out & losing weight i didn't really figure out what caused me to sabotage myself. i never found out why i feel that i can't help myself when i'm faced with temptations. there are some days where i am SO unbelievably good at resisting whatever the nearest kryptonite is, & other days i dive head first & do the backstroke.
my perception of myself as a child is that i was huge. not just pudgy & squishy, but by god a fat f*cking piece of humanity that should be hidden away from the universe. yeah, maybe my adult self is exaggerating a bit on behalf of my childhood self, except, except there's all those strong memories of self loathing & wishing that i could just-wake up thin-go to sleep forever-be normal-& all the other variations that have crossed my mind since i was about seven.
childhood reality
i was flipping through pictures yesterday ranging from my wee young toddler years all the way up to around when i was 13-14. & for the first time i really saw, i mean actually saw that i wasn't really a fat kid, not until junior high. granted i was pudgy, like the pillsbury dough boy with pigtails & glasses, but in an endearing sort of way. yeah, i could've definitely lost a few pounds & been a-ok, but i wasn't that obsese, not like some of the kids that are profiled on the talk shows "my toddler weighs 100lbs & i'll keep feeding him pizza anyway" it really wasn't until that dreadful transition from elementary to junior high that i actually blew up. & while looking at the pictures i cried. the tears actually streaming so fast down my face i could barely see.
as a kid i looked in the mirror & i really did see someone who was so huge that there was almost no hope. granted, it probably didn't help anything that my best friend was the skinniest girl in our grade, & a gymnast, & a dancer to boot. all of that aside, it didn't change the way i felt, waking up each morning, getting on the bus, & going to school. being out of breath in gym class, feeling squished & uncomfortable in my desk. all of that along with some not so encouraging messages from a few family members made me see someone with four chins who was five feet wide whenever i looked at my reflection.
no, it's not another episode of "let's blame all our problems on our rotten childhood." i am old enough to know better. & i realize that by the time i was 14-15 the decisions i was making were completely my own. i was well on my way to being an adult & i could have changed things if i had really really wanted to do so. except for, i did want to change, but i felt that i didn't deserve change.
when i was in my early teens my pediatrician made me go to a weight loss clinic. while at the clinic i saw a dietician, a physical therapist, & a psychologist. now that i work in health insurance i realize that i had a pretty sweet deal, especially since my parents didn't have to really pay anything for the appointments other than their regular premiums. but at the time i wasn't ready, i was being forced to be there. so i politely listened to what they said, then went home & did what ever i wanted. when the psychologist gave me a test to see if i was depressed i lied. the test was so see-through that i just answered it the way they wanted me to answer it, no way was i about to admit that i was so depressed that suicide was always on my mind. & that sums up the whole experience. i told them what they wanted so they'd leave me alone. & i don't think i lost a single pound. a part of me really wanted to try, to get in shape, but a larger portion of me was in such a dark place that it seemed as impossible to me as waking up one day on the moon.
i'm not sure how much it really helps me to analyze, or over analyze, my early years. except that, it may help me to figure out how to change some of these behaviors. i do know that i'm a self sabotoger. it almost seems that i have no control as i munch the reese's miniatures or drive myself through taco bell to grab a snack when i'm on my way home to have dinner. now i'm not trying to live up to the fat person cliche here, but i do know i do these things. when i'm doing well on exercising & eating right there's something in me that suddenly decides that i will simply die if i don't immediately get a king size whatchamacallit. mmmm....whatchamacallit. sounds kind of good right now.....
the sad part in all of this? right now i know that i'm sabotaging myself with my behavior. i'm very aware that what i'm doing is derailing all the hard work that i'm putting into my life. & a part of me could really give a rat's ass on the whole thing. & another part of me is so upset that diving under my down comforter & crying myself to sleep sounds like a wonderful idea. i won't even try to pretend that i have all of my shit together because that is such a bald faced lie. at one point i really thought i had all my shit together. but here's the thing, while i was working out & losing weight i didn't really figure out what caused me to sabotage myself. i never found out why i feel that i can't help myself when i'm faced with temptations. there are some days where i am SO unbelievably good at resisting whatever the nearest kryptonite is, & other days i dive head first & do the backstroke.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
the mighty jello bowl
first off, yes, last night i broke down & asked my mom if my ass is getting smaller. it's an addiction, i admit it. perhaps there's a twelve step program? if so i'm already at step one, admitting that i have a problem. back to my mom, she did agree that, indeed, my ass is getting smaller. which made me fairly happy. & then i started to worry because the butt in my work pants is starting to sage dramatically. my rump kind of dissolves into a pile of fabric right around the tops of my thighs. but at 50+ bucks a pair for new business casual pants, they'll serve until they are actually falling off of me.
& onto more recent events, while working out on the elliptical this morning i noticed that my fat seems to be getting mushier, if that even makes any sense. i've been working out, not as much as i would like, admittedly, but definitely more than i had been doing. i'm doing a mix of different types of cardio, weight training, & pilates. my weight hasn't changed that much, but according to my handy-dandy-at-home-fat-percentage-scale, my body fat percentage has dropped a couple of points. so does that mean building muscle/losing fat? could be. so that whole thing deserves a "yippee!"
now here's my gripe. my stomach, arms, & thighs seem to be getting flabbier. it's like the muscle is sucking itself into my body, adhering itself to my bones, & leaving all this flabby flapage hanging all over. yeah, i know, not the sexiest of images, but a girl can't always be a goddess. (ok, well she can be, but that can lead to pill popping & excessive vodka consumption, so i'll be frumpy now & again, thank-you very much.) this is a very frustrating stage of this whole process. i have been reassured, often, that this will decrease as i continue to lose weight & that the most important thing is to keep up with the weight training to help de-flappy my body.
i tend to not be a very patient girl. when i want something i want it ten minutes ago. yes, i know patience is a virtue. i've never been very virtuous, at all. but i am really working on this whole patience thing. my biggest problem at this stage of the game is that every single day i feel like i'm working out hard, eating less, not eating the yummy calorie laden treats that i want, & still no visible results.
& what about the shrinking booty you ask? well yes, there is that. but that means i have to do an ass check several times a day & that can be just weird. right now it would be really nice if the scale would move in a downward trend. or if perhaps my clothes would all start being really loose on me. or the flapage would decrease considerably. it's just one of those days folks. i really think i should stop looking at the gym mirrors when i go in there. the image of myself red-faced dripping sweat from a 3/4 sideview is not one that i need stuck in my head all day.
& onto more recent events, while working out on the elliptical this morning i noticed that my fat seems to be getting mushier, if that even makes any sense. i've been working out, not as much as i would like, admittedly, but definitely more than i had been doing. i'm doing a mix of different types of cardio, weight training, & pilates. my weight hasn't changed that much, but according to my handy-dandy-at-home-fat-percentage-scale, my body fat percentage has dropped a couple of points. so does that mean building muscle/losing fat? could be. so that whole thing deserves a "yippee!"
now here's my gripe. my stomach, arms, & thighs seem to be getting flabbier. it's like the muscle is sucking itself into my body, adhering itself to my bones, & leaving all this flabby flapage hanging all over. yeah, i know, not the sexiest of images, but a girl can't always be a goddess. (ok, well she can be, but that can lead to pill popping & excessive vodka consumption, so i'll be frumpy now & again, thank-you very much.) this is a very frustrating stage of this whole process. i have been reassured, often, that this will decrease as i continue to lose weight & that the most important thing is to keep up with the weight training to help de-flappy my body.
i tend to not be a very patient girl. when i want something i want it ten minutes ago. yes, i know patience is a virtue. i've never been very virtuous, at all. but i am really working on this whole patience thing. my biggest problem at this stage of the game is that every single day i feel like i'm working out hard, eating less, not eating the yummy calorie laden treats that i want, & still no visible results.
& what about the shrinking booty you ask? well yes, there is that. but that means i have to do an ass check several times a day & that can be just weird. right now it would be really nice if the scale would move in a downward trend. or if perhaps my clothes would all start being really loose on me. or the flapage would decrease considerably. it's just one of those days folks. i really think i should stop looking at the gym mirrors when i go in there. the image of myself red-faced dripping sweat from a 3/4 sideview is not one that i need stuck in my head all day.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
check, check, check that a**
i've developed a rather bizarre habit lately, checking out my ass every time i leave the bathroom at work. now it's not like i'm standing on my tiptoes or doing anything really odd like that. but we do have a full length mirror right next to the bathroom door, it's just begging you to look at yourself as you leave (probably to prevent the embarrassing toilet-paper-hanging-out-of-the pants issue for those people that make toilet paper seat covers). the way this all started, i believe, is when my mother commented that it looked like my ass was getting smaller. yes, that's exactly the way she put it. this then prompted me to ask my good friend jenn "can you do me a favor? does my ass look smaller?" she then told me she would NOT look at my ass. i guess friendship only goes so far.
now i don't really want my mom to think i'm ass crazy, so i haven't continued to ask her what my posterior looks like to her. & if i ask my wonderful fiance to check it out for me then that leads to other events....which leaves me the option of self checking in the bathroom at work, because, of course, i don't have any full length mirrors in my house. my work pants do seem to be getting looser, but that could just be because they're getting a bit older. because when i put on my blue jeans i can't really tell any difference. & the scale sure as hell isn't moving eithor. do you ever get the urge to just punt your bathroom scale?
i have been told that compulsive weighing is no good for you when your goal is to lose weight. the individual ups & downs every day can be rather demoralizing. does the same apply to compulsive mirror watching? if my butt happens to look a bit bigger will it make me run to a hershey bar to alleviate my disappointment? hmmm...my guess is no because, i am a smart chica & i do understand the equation of: too much chocolate=increased ass size. now while i do have a nice ghetto booty, i would like it to be more toned & taut, rather than look like i should be dancing on that jiggly jello commercial.
in a perfect world i could take my extra butt tissue & have it transplanted up north to my tits & then things would be just grand. unfortunately medical science does not yet offer a butt-to-boob fat transplant yet. it's a wickedly terrific idea & i'm sure that there would be plenty of people that would jump at the chance to play a little ms. potato head & rearrange some fleshy parts. but since medical science doesn't seem to want to help me on this venture, i guess it's still hours of cardio, weights, lunges, & pilates.
now i don't really want my mom to think i'm ass crazy, so i haven't continued to ask her what my posterior looks like to her. & if i ask my wonderful fiance to check it out for me then that leads to other events....which leaves me the option of self checking in the bathroom at work, because, of course, i don't have any full length mirrors in my house. my work pants do seem to be getting looser, but that could just be because they're getting a bit older. because when i put on my blue jeans i can't really tell any difference. & the scale sure as hell isn't moving eithor. do you ever get the urge to just punt your bathroom scale?
i have been told that compulsive weighing is no good for you when your goal is to lose weight. the individual ups & downs every day can be rather demoralizing. does the same apply to compulsive mirror watching? if my butt happens to look a bit bigger will it make me run to a hershey bar to alleviate my disappointment? hmmm...my guess is no because, i am a smart chica & i do understand the equation of: too much chocolate=increased ass size. now while i do have a nice ghetto booty, i would like it to be more toned & taut, rather than look like i should be dancing on that jiggly jello commercial.
in a perfect world i could take my extra butt tissue & have it transplanted up north to my tits & then things would be just grand. unfortunately medical science does not yet offer a butt-to-boob fat transplant yet. it's a wickedly terrific idea & i'm sure that there would be plenty of people that would jump at the chance to play a little ms. potato head & rearrange some fleshy parts. but since medical science doesn't seem to want to help me on this venture, i guess it's still hours of cardio, weights, lunges, & pilates.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
back fat
so one of the things that got me thinking on this whole body issue was a couple of weeks ago i was driving over to old chicago to meet jack & josh for a cheeseburger & a drink. i was driving along down 394 west when all of a sudden i felt very uncomfortable. i twitched & shimmied in my seat & then it hit me what was bothering me. i could actually fell the fat on my back, the small rolls of fat folding into each other under my t-shirt. & i was repulsed.
normally i roll with the punches, & being obese i usually literally roll. but at that moment i just couldn't believe that i'd neglected myself for twenty one years. yup, i've been overweight for that long. it started when i was 7 years old, in second grade, & got progressively worse as time went on. the kicker of it all, is i look back at pictures of me when i was younger, & it wasn't until end of elementary school, beginning of junior high, that i actually became a rather large porker. before then i was just kind of a piglet. overly round & puffy for my age, but it could still be described as "baby fat". i stopped believing that whole baby fat line when i was, hmmm, about sixteen. until then i held onto that phrase like it was gold hoping that one day, yes, hallelullia praise the lord the fat has left the body!
but no, next century & twenty-some years later there i was on the way wrong side of the 200lb mark. now i have no idea what prompted me to do it, but i reached my hand up & felt my neck, grabbed a hunk of flesh & realized that in addition to the back fat i also had neck fat. now granted, the neck fat may, possibly, be a bit of an exageration, but the pudge on my sides & back is no hallucination. that is an undisputible fact, ask anyone who's seen me with my top off.
you'd think that after this realization i would've gotten to old chicago & said to my waiter "can i have a salad with lite dresing on the side please?" instead i did order the cheeseburger i was craving, with, of course, a diet pepsi. because yeah, at that point the diet soda makes all the difference in the world. & i admit it, i enjoyed every juicy mouthful. the fries were just ok, but the burger was fantastic. i do highly recommend their burgers. you might want to get it to go & grab the fries from ruby tuesdays across the street though. at least, that's what i'd be inclined to do.
while the desire for a healthy future. to be a beautiful bride. to be a fantabulous role model for my future children. to be able to finally snowboard. to finally feel good waking up in my own skin. while all of these things are great motivations, & have motivated me in the past, it all came down to the fat. knowing you're fat is one thing. having to actually go buy & then wear the size 24 or 26 jeans reminds you. there's something surreal about realizing that just sitting, not looking in the mirror or at your clothes, you can feel how large you actually are, now that's the mother of all wake-up calls. &, of course, it helped that all of this came close on the heels of walking into the bridal salon & ordering my wedding dress in a 24. i really wanted to crawl into bed & cry. with a cheesecake.
yeah, the shame & depression that is caused by my weight also gives me the urge to soothe myself with all the same things that i've turned to in the past that have helped me get to the point that i'm at right now. while it is by no means a healthy cycle of behavior, i am becoming aquianted with it & coming to grips with the fact that i need to be hyper aware of my emotions & my eating patterns. do i want pizza because i'm hungry & pizza sounds good? or do i want it because i had an absolute shitty day at work & i might feel better to sit down to a plate full of pizza? eventhough the end result might be eating some pizza, the motivation behind the eating is important for me to recognize.
normally i roll with the punches, & being obese i usually literally roll. but at that moment i just couldn't believe that i'd neglected myself for twenty one years. yup, i've been overweight for that long. it started when i was 7 years old, in second grade, & got progressively worse as time went on. the kicker of it all, is i look back at pictures of me when i was younger, & it wasn't until end of elementary school, beginning of junior high, that i actually became a rather large porker. before then i was just kind of a piglet. overly round & puffy for my age, but it could still be described as "baby fat". i stopped believing that whole baby fat line when i was, hmmm, about sixteen. until then i held onto that phrase like it was gold hoping that one day, yes, hallelullia praise the lord the fat has left the body!
but no, next century & twenty-some years later there i was on the way wrong side of the 200lb mark. now i have no idea what prompted me to do it, but i reached my hand up & felt my neck, grabbed a hunk of flesh & realized that in addition to the back fat i also had neck fat. now granted, the neck fat may, possibly, be a bit of an exageration, but the pudge on my sides & back is no hallucination. that is an undisputible fact, ask anyone who's seen me with my top off.
you'd think that after this realization i would've gotten to old chicago & said to my waiter "can i have a salad with lite dresing on the side please?" instead i did order the cheeseburger i was craving, with, of course, a diet pepsi. because yeah, at that point the diet soda makes all the difference in the world. & i admit it, i enjoyed every juicy mouthful. the fries were just ok, but the burger was fantastic. i do highly recommend their burgers. you might want to get it to go & grab the fries from ruby tuesdays across the street though. at least, that's what i'd be inclined to do.
while the desire for a healthy future. to be a beautiful bride. to be a fantabulous role model for my future children. to be able to finally snowboard. to finally feel good waking up in my own skin. while all of these things are great motivations, & have motivated me in the past, it all came down to the fat. knowing you're fat is one thing. having to actually go buy & then wear the size 24 or 26 jeans reminds you. there's something surreal about realizing that just sitting, not looking in the mirror or at your clothes, you can feel how large you actually are, now that's the mother of all wake-up calls. &, of course, it helped that all of this came close on the heels of walking into the bridal salon & ordering my wedding dress in a 24. i really wanted to crawl into bed & cry. with a cheesecake.
yeah, the shame & depression that is caused by my weight also gives me the urge to soothe myself with all the same things that i've turned to in the past that have helped me get to the point that i'm at right now. while it is by no means a healthy cycle of behavior, i am becoming aquianted with it & coming to grips with the fact that i need to be hyper aware of my emotions & my eating patterns. do i want pizza because i'm hungry & pizza sounds good? or do i want it because i had an absolute shitty day at work & i might feel better to sit down to a plate full of pizza? eventhough the end result might be eating some pizza, the motivation behind the eating is important for me to recognize.
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