getting into ALL kinds of trouble!

so i've decided i want to get my tits done. i'm sure a feminist reading my blog just spit coffee all over her computer. whoops. but i've decided to get them done. i know that outer beauty in no way effects inner beauty, but i have some very good reasons.

#1 i used to have DD's-i miss them terribly
#2 it really is MY body
#3 there's nothing wrong with body modification as long as you're doing it for the right reasons
#4 i already have a good self esteem. so for me bigger tits does not =being a more worthy human being
#5 i really miss my DD's

i have some friends who are more well endowed in the chest-al area (to quote my sister) who i'm sure will tell me i can have some of theirs. & believe me girls, i would if i could. but it's something i've thought long & hard about. i also know that i'm still looking at another 14 months or so before i can have ANY plastic surgery. but no time like the present to plan. so i've started a profile on www.myfreeimplants.com & you'll see a new heading on the right "my quest for new boobs" & under that a link saying help fund my implants! if you click on that it'll direct you to the myfreeimplants website & after you log in it'll take you to my page. so hey boys, & girls, sponsor my new boobies :)

for all of you with a foot fetish

here's the picture of my toes & the scale. if i would've known i was taking a picture of my feet on this day i would've gotten a pedicure. then again. maybe my weight wouldn't've been at 199.0 that day. & this is pretty damn cool. yo.

ok, so maybe i did fall into a black hole

time has just been flying by recently. most days i get home & i do turn on my computer, i surf the web, check my email, pull up adium & spend some time chatting before i go to bed. i just haven't been blogging. i can't say exactly why, i just haven't been. i have been pretty tired. pretty overwhelmed, & just trying to get things sorted in general.

tonight i actually have some time, while my dinner cooks & my laundry washes. & i figured i should check in. especially since i hit a milestone yesterday. when i weighed in yesterday morning before work my scale showed me 199. i know. how cool is that? i do have a picture & i'll be putting it up, because i'm sure everyone wants to see my toes & a scale reading 199. then again, maybe there's someone out there that has a fetish related to my toes & a scale. if so, rock on with your bad self. i'm not quite sure where my cord is for my cam, so the picture will be posted as soon as i find that. along with some new pics of my sexy self...i'll see if i can get someone to take some of me.

things at work have been crazy hectic. in a good way. sorta. i'm doing my damnedest to make myself indispensable so that next year when they do reviews they're blown away by how much i managed to accomplish in just one little year. although, i have had a few mini breakdowns, usually around 7am when i roll into the parking lot & i look around & wonder how i got to where i am now. i know, whining won't get my anywhere, but that doesn't mean i can totally resist the urge to do so on occasion. don't get me wrong, i love my life, i have great friends, a good job, a sexy little car, & i'm damn talented. i just never figured i'd be working in cubeville in my 31st year.

i wonder if perhaps it's just pre-birthday reflections. taking a look at the past year & seeing where i've been, what i've done & looking forward. the last year has been pretty kick ass. two of my best friends have had babies, so i'm an auntie twice over. i got a new apartment, a promotion, a new car, another new apartment, gastric bypass, & a new boy. that's a hell of a lot to cram into a year. & i've still got another month or so left before the real end of my birthday year!

class also just ended last week. i had a great time, my classmates totally rock & it was probably the best class that i've had at hamline thus far. the ten of us & our prof just clicked as a group. everyone's projects were SO different, but there was a lot of respect & vibrant energy in the class every week. i turned in my final manuscript & i'm happy with it. i got some really great compliments from my prof & my classmates. i also got some great comments to think on. this piece was just for fun, not really a part of anything else. just something to work on for the class. but i like my character & i like the potential that it has. so maybe it'll turn into more. but let's not discuss how many large fiction projects i have in the work. including this one i have a total of three large projects. i have my novel for thesis, then i have my latest nanowrimo novel that i'm really into writing, & then this one. yes folks, currently working on three novels.

i have not fallen into a black hole

so yeah, i am totally fucking lame & haven't been on here in forever. & i don't really feel like doing extensive blogging now, i'll try to do more soon because i do miss it & i feel like i have a lot to say; but here's some updated pics. the first is me at work about 5-6 weeks ago. the second one is me at home tonight.

mother nature is a bitch

so, in a grand april fool's day joke mother nature dumped a bunch of snow on us today. & by a bunch of snow i mean we had something ridiculous like a foot of snow. here are some pics from my back yard today when i got home. even though i don't speak bird, i'm pretty sure this bird was saying: "what the fuck? where the hell is spring? i came back for this shit?!"

thought of the week: march 24th-30th

i've lost count of the times i given up on you, but you make such a beautiful wreck, you do, there's a tavern on the corner called the milky way, and you look so at home there it makes me afraid

~shawn mullins, beautiful wreck

for once i'm not blogging about myself. i heard this song about a month ago & it reminded me of a friend of mine, B, & i had made a mental note to do a blog, then i spaced it, forgot, heard the song again yesterday & this time made a physical note instead of just a mental one (my memory has been spotty at best lately). sometimes a song, or part of a song, or something will just tug at my heart & this one does, especially when i think of B.

he's someone that i've known for sometime. we've been in & out of each others lives for a few years, & there is something about him that just makes me want to cry sometimes. he's got a sadness behind his eyes, even on the rare occasions that he smiles that sadness is still there. i know that i have a tendency to attract people that "fixer-uppers" because there's something about me that i attract people that need a nurturer in their lives.

but maybe why i keep B as a friend is because he doesn't take advantage of that. & while i do try to help people & have tried to fix people in the past, somehow i've never tried to fix him. & that seems odd to me. but in a good way i think. all i've ever been is his friend. no judgements, no questions, just his friend. & sometimes all anyone needs is a friend.

the past couple years things have been rough for me, not gonna lie about that. & i know B's had a rough time of it too. we've both been kinda wrapped up in our own personal demons & struggles. i think i'm finally coming out on the other side, but i know he's still stuck in a pretty dark unhappy place. & i don't know how to help. & it's so fucking hard. i love him. not in love with him, but i love him & i can't help & it hurts.

happy easter!

i'd like to wish everyone a very happy easter (or if you don't celebrate easter then a very happy sunday march 23rd). i spent this weekend at my parents' house to celebrate with them, ya know, do the whole family thing. i was even a good daughter & went to church with my mom & sister this morning. did the catholic calisthenics. not like i have anything against catholics or anything, it's just a lot of up/down/up/down/up/down. we were in the "bad monkey" overflow section
because we got there so late all the pews were taken, so luckily we didn't have to do any kneeling because we didn't have the padded kneelers in front of us. in addition we got to see all of the interesting goings on of the church hallway during the services. there are a whole lot of little kids that run up & down, going to the bathroom or just getting out some extra energy while the rest of the parishioners go about their worship.

it's been a rather good day here at the family homestead. my mom made us caramel apple french toast & bacon for breakfast. & for dinner she's making tator tot hotdish. usually on easter she'd make a ham & some kind of potatoes & some sort of veggie. kind of a large dig in kind of meal. but she decided to opt for tator tot hotdish this year, partially because i may not be able to eat the ham, but i'm more likely to be able to eat the hotdish. *crossing my fingers*

yesterday i ate about 1/6 a piece of bacon. it did make me a bit sick, but i kept it down. & then this morning i was able to eat a whole slice of bacon! i was so happy i almost did a dance. it's an easter miracle. i know it seems silly to some people. but i was starting to worry that i was going to be a vegetarian for ever & it was making me super sad. i honestly believe that i'm not eating healthy unless i have dead animal on my plate twice a day. today may be a good day if i'm able to eat the tator tot hotdish tonight.

not much else to say today. gonna watch spaceballs & head home to the west end of the cities after dinner. hope it was a fabulous day & the easter bunny was good to you (or that at least there are no rotting hard boiled eggs in your yard).

thought of the week: march 16th-23rd

i'm a new soul i came to this strange world hoping i could learn a bit about how to give and take.
but since i came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

~yael naim, new soul

so good news & bad news. i'll start with the bad news: last night my ibook g4 decided it had finally had enough of me & broke up with me by giving me the finger & deciding to have a major hardware issue. i took it in to the apple store, they looked at it, said it was hardware, & said it'd be at least $400 to fix it, maybe more depending on what has to be done. so $400 or more to fix a computer that is 3 1/2 years old. hrm. yeah. not such a fabulous thing. i did some thinking. called my mom. whined for a while. & came to the decision that it was time to get a new lappy. it's about a year ahead of schedule, but being in school & still trying to finish thesis & all that i am one of those people that really does NEED their own computer.

since i first saw the guided tour i've been lusting after the macbook air. but i figured it'd be something i'd look at getting next year because i didn't need a new computer. but with my old one breaking up with me i really did need a new one. i knew i would be getting another mac because pcs & i don't get along, at all. i looked very briefly at the regular macbook, but then i quickly moved on to comparing the macbook air & the macbook pro. i finally decided on the macbook air with the solid state drive. definitely more money than i really was planning on spending now. but, once again, after talking with my mom, i decided i may as well get what i really want right now instead of settling for something else & then not being happy with my purchase. a new computer is a lot to spend in one place for something you're not wholly in love with.

i also got the external optical drive because my new baby is my main computer. the macbook air is simply frickin awesome & i love my new baby boy. we're still getting a bit used to each other. & i am still semi in mourning over the early demise of my other mac lappy. it's the first mac that i've ever had a huge problem with, so i'm kind of unsure how to take all of this. *sighs* oh well, i took that lappy coast to coast, everywhere in the twin cities, and put lots of time on it. it was a very well loved, cherished, & tenderly abused computer. we had a good run. & luckily the geniuses at the apple store are going to be able to transfer all of my documents & stuff from that computer to this one. YIPPEE! at least i didn't lose my work. i was a bad monkey & hadn't had everything backed up. *hangs my head in shame* i know. i should take a clue from writers before me who put their work in the freezer in case of fire. this time i'm going to take advantage of the online storage space i have thanks to my dot mac account & i may wind up getting an external hard drive too.

a closing thought: apple should totally pay me to be a spokes model. i'm a mac girl through & through. i have an ipod, iphone, & macbook air. . . i think i bleed apple.

my body is not my own

first, a disclaimer: this is not in anyway at all aimed at anyone person, should not be taken personally by anyone, & is not intended to alter anyone's actions or interactions with me. rather, this is simply an observation that is the sum of my experiences post surgery.

my title is very apt because i'm feeling that my body really is not my own lately. i feel that everyone i come across owns a little piece of me except for me. & every morning i wake up & my body is a little different than it was when i went to bed the night before. sometimes it's my weight fluctuating by two or more pounds, sometimes it's that i can't stand cheese when the day before it was all i could eat, sometimes it's that i gag on just plain water, sometimes it's that i feel a new curve or bony bit that wasn't there previously.

of course going into all of this i knew that my body would change rapidly. & at times, like those days where the scale doesn't budge or moves by just one tenth of a pound, i want to stamp my feet & throw a first class temper tantrum because i feel that only eating a total of a cup & a half of food a day i should see some more movement on the scale, damn it. but mostly i just kind of stare at the scale as it ventures downward into numbers i've never seen before & try to feel & see the differences that everyone else says are so blatantly evident.

i'll admit, sometimes when i can't sleep at night, which happens often lately when the rest of the world is deeply sleeping, i'll wonder why i can't see what everyone else can. how can i have lost SO much weight & not feel it somehow? it was suggested to me yesterday that maybe i'm still psychologically fighting the surgery. that even though i had the surgery done that there is something in the dark recesses of my psyche that is making me miserable, making my recovery more difficult, making there be that disconnect between what i see & what the world sees. i would hate for that to be true, but as i've admitted, i really am my own worst enemy. & it probably doesn't help that my mom keeps asking me if i regret it & saying she wishes i had never had surgery at all. that has to fuck a person up, i'm guessing.

but back to feeling that my body is not my own. everyone has those sacred things in their life & the most sacred is your body. it's one of the few things that each person really & truly owns, has domain over, & is completely responsible for. & along with all of that comes the control to hide away & camouflage those flaws that you'd prefer no one else saw, or the things that you want to covet & hold for your own because you want to keep them sacred, or just the things you don't want to share with the world for whatever reason. & in my life lately any, all, & more than that have been fair game it seems.

now i don't blame anyone for being curious. this was a huge thing that i did with my life. it was a huge change physically (first the surgical change of the way my body functions & subsequently the actual change of losing so much weight so rapidly). but at times, it can get a bit much. i'm asked so often how much weight i've lost that the mystery of how much i weigh/weighed is no longer a mystery. i've been asked if i've had sex since the surgery. have i been more gassy since surgery? has my hair started falling out? did i have a catheter during the surgery? have i been constipated? & no, these are not questions asked by doctors but by just random people i know. some people i don't even know well enough to give my blog address to! basically the only things i haven't been asked is what size jeans i'm wearing & how big are my tits.

yeah, it gets to be a bit much. i don't mind answering questions about the surgical procedure, my eating habits, or even how much weight i've lost. but sometimes i really want to wrap myself up in a blanket & curl up & keep somethings safe for my own.

happy st. patrick's day!

*even though a papal decree moved the official st. paddy's celebration to this past saturday i'm celebrating today, yeah, i'm a rebel like that*

i'd thought about taking a picture of myself wearing one of my st. patrick's day tshirts (one is white with green trim that says magically delicious the other is white with green trim has a pic of the lucky charms leprechaun and says someone's after me lucky charms). but, to be honest, once i got back to my apartment from my parents' house & unloaded my car i was ready for a nap.

maybe i'll take one later this week & post it. but if i don't: hope everyone had a fabulous day & got a chance to drink some green beer. have a bit for me too cause i'm off the beer. didn't really drink it before, but definitely not drinking it now.

MY chair is here! uh, yeah, not so much

about a week before moving into my new place the fabulous miss jenn went furniture shopping with me (yeah, she IS an awesome friend, she dislikes shopping but went anyway). she helped me pick out a cool funky couch in sage green (the picture below is from the hom furniture website, so not my apartment & not my actual couch). it's actually two "cuddlers" (basically a fancy name for chair & a half) & an ottoman & they are curved & fit together to make a really comfy lounge piece.


in addition to the couch i also ordered a chair, a really fucking awesome chair. it's round with squishy pillows & it swivels. i also got the little ottoman for it called a "jelly bean" which is a fancy way of saying "i'm paying too damn much money for this itsy bitty footstool because it matches my chair & is wicked cool." now the picture is also from the hom website & not my actual chair. i ordered my chair in a purple color, i think it's technically called aubergine, but a really deep purply/plum color. it looks cool with the sage & really very ME.

because i ordered the chair in a color that is not normally stocked they said it'd take 8-10 weeks. yeah, a royal pain in the ass, but i wanted that color so figured i'll deal with it. my couch was in a stock color so i had that delivered the day after i moved into my apartment, so i had a couch to lounge on, i could wait on the chair. especially since my bedroom is GINORMOUS & i decided i'd put the chair in my bedroom as a reading chair. i got a call on thursday saying that my chair had arrived & i could arrange delivery. i wanted it as soon as possible, but sunday (today) was the earliest they could get it to me. so i scheduled the delivery for today.

i was so excited to get my chair, it's super comfy & i was finally going to be able to finish hanging up my pictures & feeling settled in my apartment. well, not quite yet. the guy pulled the ottoman off the truck & i was looking out my window & i right away said "oh no, we have a problem." the chair & the ottoman were red, brick red. yeah, not at all what i ordered or have been expecting for the past two months. i met the delivery guy at the door & told him we have a problem, i ordered purple. i think the delivery guys were less than pleased that they carried the chair off the truck & down to my place & then had to take it back up the hill & put it back in the truck. they did ask if i wanted to use that one until mine got here & i told them no, i don't NEED the chair & i'll just wait.

my room is still chairless & i'm looking at another month or two before my purple chair arrives. i called the store & talked to the sales lady that wrote up my order & told her that my chair showed up in brick instead of purple & that we had to get it corrected. i wasn't bitchy or mean, i was very matter of fact that i refused delivery because it was wrong. so she is getting it corrected, she's going to email the manufacturer & see if there is anyway possible to rush the order for me. it really sucks that my chair isn't here yet, but hopefully it'l be here before the end of april.

pimping for post secret

miss jenn introduced me to this website, post secret, & i find it fascinating. each sunday they put up new post cards that people send in with their secrets. they've also published some books with post cards in them that have been sent in over the years.

thought of the week: march 2nd-8th (late entry)

and all along, i should've known this wasn't your dream, it was mine, i know you wanted me to give up this life to be, everything i was back when you had the hands my heart was in

yellowcard, firewater, punk goes acoustic

this really will circle around, but it's going to take a bit to get there. last wednesday my mom played hooky from work & the two of us went to the barnes & noble in maplewood, bought some books & hung out in the starbuck's there sipping coffee & chatting. first off i'd like to say my mom & i had a really nice heart-to-heart. she's still not on board with me having gotten gastric bypass, but she will eventually get over it. while we were sitting there i asked her if she had heard about what dad did after TSSOB* & i had broken up. she had no clue what i was talking about so i told her what i had just found out in february when my dad helped me move into my new place.

for whatever reason my dad started telling my cousin all about the fiasco that was that relationship. & i'll be honest i was barely paying attention just because sometimes my family, while seeming to be well meaning will bring up my past mistakes in a way that reminds me of rubbing a puppy's nose in his misplaced piddle. so i was pretty much ignoring him, only half listening when he said something that was news to me.

my dad then says that after i had broken up with TSSOB he kept calling my parents' house asking for me & by some incredible stroke of fate he kept getting my dad. & my dad basically ran interference on my behalf. he told the guy i was at school, at work, out with friends, out on a date, just whatever he felt like saying. & then my dad goes on to say that at one point TSSOB breaks down & starts crying while on the phone with my dad, saying that he made a huge mistake by letting me go & that he loved me & that he needed me back in his life. my dad told him to get over me because i'd gotten over him. according to my dad this went on for months. in this time i had seen TSSOB's phone number come up on my cell phone, but i never answered when i saw him calling because i didn't want to deal with him.

by the time i finally answered one of his calls it was august of 2004, almost a year since my nephew died, almost a year since those silent days in connecticut with my sister, almost a year since i broke up with TSSOB, & almost a year since i had taken my life back. i was in california leaving an office max after picking up some supplies for my poetry book to give away at burning man driving my rental car, a silver ford focus. & i answered the phone annoyed that he was intruding on my california oasis. annoyed that he still hadn't mailed my stuff back to me (of course, now it makes sense why he didn't). & just generally annoyed at his sudden appearance into my life. & i let him know it. i don't recall much of what i said, but i do remember it was the verbal version of a bitch slap.

if i would have found out that my dad had been lying to this guy & basically being my goalie for close to a year any earlier i'm honestly not sure how i would've reacted. but by now i've gotten enough time & distance that i see it as so sweet that he continually did that for me & never once told anyone in my family about it. sometimes it's nice being a daddy's girl.

as for the boy. it was mismatched from the beginning but neither of us had the experience to be able to tell it any sooner. as much as i'd try to tell myself i'd be fine with small town life in the south i really wouldn't have been. i would have been miserable. & while he thought i was what he wanted, i really wasn't. now that i'm being honest & true with myself i am probably opposite of what he would have wanted. i'm a city girl. i love my tattoos, my piercings, the look of downtown st.paul lit up for the holidays, the convenience of living in the city, & the pulse that the city has that is lacking in small town america. or, lacking for me at least. we both really did want the other to be what we thought they were, or pretended to be, but not the truth.

in the end, what woke us both up was my writing. he told me to give it up & i realized it was the one thing that i never could give up. & i'm so thankful that i have my writing in my life. maybe i'm not always as productive with it as i'd like, & maybe i write a lot of tripe, but it's my tripe, it's my lifeline. & it's the essence of who i am.

now the million dollar question: do i miss the boy? not in the slightest. i write about this with a studied indifference. i've had the time & distance & healing i need to keep me from any strong emotions at all where he is concerned. i will say if he suddenly popped into my life again i would have some strong emotions & strong words for him & possibly even a well aimed punch, but that's only because i've permanently closed that chapter of my life & never want it reopened again.

*the southern son of a bitch

pictures & updates

first off i'd like to say: this is the 300th post to my blog! yippee! break out the suger-free gum & celebrate.

recently pensive pearl asked for some updated pictures. the first picture is me & my dad back in october when we were in connecticut for my sister's wedding. it's not a fabulous picture of either one of us, but it'll do. the second picture was taken last night after i got my hair cut. in the second picture i'm wearing my old glasses, not quite sure why i put them on yesterday, & my stylist always does my hair as if i'm living in the 80's, but it's as new as possible.

as for my weight, this morning i weighed in at 218.8. it's very surreal to me at this point. i still can't believe it, i don't really feel it, & i don't really see it when i look in the mirror. but other people are seeing it so i have to start believing it pretty soon.

& yet another interesting phrase

so i'll admit, i'm a biggest loser junkie. just got home a bit ago, so i missed the first hour of the show, but i'm happily watching the last half, kind of paying attention, kind of messing around on my computer & i hear this:

"me, bob, & roger tossed some salads." -dan from biggest loser 3.11.08

i laughed, truth be told kinda even a bit of a snort laugh. now, if you read that & don't immediately laugh because you don't know the other not approved by network tv definition of that phrase, please go to urban dictionary.com & find out. i suggest doing that at home & not at work (hint: it's not the definition having anything to do with caeser).

thought of the week: march 9-15th

it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then i kick the living shit out of me

lit, my own worst enemy

sometimes i am my own worst enemy, i know that. & it's been pretty true in the past, but it's also something that i've worked hard to rectify in recent years. i know i'm kind of a weird girl in that i have been able to have physical relationships with guy friends & remain friends. not like i make a habit of sleeping with my friends, i'm really making myself sound worse than i am, but it's something that i've done in the past. i guess i always took a different view on it & i saw it as a good thing that after the physical relationship was done i was able to remain friends with my former lovers. i've always said that i'm unlike most girls out there. & i'm now starting to believe that i'm really unlike most people in general.

last night i got into a pretty heated argument with a guy because he has issues with the fact that i am still friends with former lovers & that there has been one that i've been with somewhat recently. my friend/former lover & i both know there is no chance of a relationship between us ever & we're both ok with that. we have a really awesome friendship. we can hang out & not be physical, but when we are it's satisfying for both of us & there's not guilt or complications or issues. so this guy i was talking to on the phone last night, we've been out a couple times & he basically told me that if there is a chance for a relationship between us that i would need to agree to never be alone or go out with my male friends that i've slept with. as in i couldn't even go to perkins for coffee. i retorted by saying no one will ever tell me who i can & can't be friends with.

i can understand a guy not wanting me to go hot tubbing with a former lover, or go away for a snowboarding weekend, or go to vegas, but perkins for coffee? the more i think about it the madder it makes me. seriously furious gang. when i am in a relationship with someone i am the most loyal person ever, more loyal than a german shepherd. right now i'm not in a relationship with anyone so the only person i really owe my loyalty to is myself.

after the phone argument i talked with a few of my friends about all of this & my friends consensus was basically: fuck him. if you're not even dating him exclusively & he's already trying to put limitations on your life & control you this will be a bad thing. now that's a composite of what i heard from a couple different friends, & some had a more eloquent way of saying it, but that was the basic sentiment. & it's not like i want to keep any kind of physical relationship with my friends when i'm dating someone, but i want to still be friends. in the past when i've ignored my friends relationship advice i've been burned. think i'm going to listen this time.

as for the quote, it had been suggested to me that maybe i'm being a bit self destructive. i don't think i'm being self destructive by remaining friends with former lovers. but since my surgery i haven't taken the best care of myself. i need to force myself to drink more water, make sure i'm having three meals a day, getting in all my vitamins, & getting enough sleep. i also have a long history of trying to do too much at once & stretching myself too thin. in that way i really am my own worst enemy. but i'm working on a truce.

body check

after thinking about the reality of how much weight i've lost & after seeing jenn & crystal yesterday i started thinking about the differences that have been happening in my body. many of my clothes i still don't notice a huge difference in how they feel, but there are a few of my clothes, mainly shirts, that are becoming looser. i've also come to grips with the fact that i did previously wear most to all of my clothes pretty tight. not obscenely tight or anything, but i do lean towards fitted clothes when given a choice. i kinda think that comes from years of poor self image coupled with feeling like the ugly duckling with no chance of turning into a swan (i spent years wearing baggy clothes before they were made popular by rap) & then waking up one day & realizing i'm one sexy bi-atch & i shouldn't hide behind over-sized clothes.

one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.

my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.

there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.

it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.

a week of doctor's appointments & medications

on monday i just wasn't feeling well so i called my clinic & begged to see my doctor. they managed to squeeze me in on wednesday. even though i had been on cipro since last tuesday, the night i went into urgent care, i just didn't feel like my urinary tract infection was recovering the way it should have. she ran some tests & confirmed what i figured. the good news is my UTI is no longer severe; it's been down graded to mild. the bad news is that in addition to the UTI i managed to get two more infections. jesus bobby. so another 7 day stint for the UTI, then a one dose antibiotic (yippee!), & then a 7 day stint on yet a third antibiotic because there isn't one that kills all three infections. i know. insane.

i had no problem with the one day antibiotic. it was one tiny pill, went down easy, no worries. the other pills have been, um, more difficult. the one for the UTI is a capsule, so pretty easy to swallow, but it is incredibly huge (i'll have to take some pictures, these are the biggest capsules i have ever seen in my life). the kicker is that i have to take it with food. so i have to take the pill with a small sip of water & then eat right away. the other antibiotic is the devil in the form of a pill, i swear to god. this one is also huge, it completely covers the pink part of my fingernail. it's a white tablet (once again, i need to get a picture, biggest tablet i have EVER seen in my life. . .& i handle medications at the group home so i've seen LOTS of meds!). the pill isn't coated & tastes horrible. not only is it the biggest pill on earth it is the nastiest tasting pill ever created. the pharmacist also said it can cause upset stomach so to take it with food. yeah, cause that'll work well.

wednesday night i took the capsule then the tablet then tried to eat & wound up vomiting. somehow i managed to keep the tablet down but lost the capsule. fabulous. thursday was a good day in that i was able to keep my pills down, both morning & night doses. but yesterday was not good at all. the second dose of the tablet didn't go well at all. it upset my stomach so bad that i threw up my dinner & kept gagging & retching until i threw up the entire tablet. not to be overly graphic, but i have never puked that hard in my entire life. i actually threw up so violently that i managed to burst blood vessels in my face around my eyes (above my eyes right under my eye brows & then under my eyes are dotted with small red bruises from the burst vessels). this morning i decided "fuck it" i'll take the capsule, call my doctor's office monday morning & find out if there is ANY other option to the tablet. it is just making me much too sick for me to keep taking it. i have to get my nausea under control & it's really aggravating my
system way too much.

yesterday morning, before the pill incident, i had two follow up appointments at HCMC. one with the internal medicine doctor & one with the dietician. those appointments went ok, but just driving out to minneapolis completely wore me out, not to mention the back to back appointments. the internal medicine dr was concerned about my nausea & lack of energy. he ordered a blood draw to see if they could indicate anything to point to my extreme fatigue.

the dietician is concerned because sometimes the nausea is causing me to skip meals. she wants me to have some slim fast or milk or another liquid meal if i can't eat. even though i'm supposed to be completely on solid foods & off of calorie liquids, she said it's really important for me to make sure i'm getting enough calories in. because i'm not eating any meat yet she also gave me some protein mixes & gave me some tips on how to get more protein into my diet. i really don't want to wind up with a protein deficiency. that would really really suck.

because i was so sick & this was my one month follow up they want to see me back again in a month. normally i'd be at the point where i wouldn't need to see them again until three months from now. i had kind of been telling myself that everyone has a rough time of it & i'm having a normal level of difficult. obviously i've been lying to myself. lying like a cheap rug. the truth is i'm having a much rougher recovery than most people. it sucks, but i'm glad to know that i'm not just being a whiny little bitch.

on the upside, my weight is at 229 according to HCMC (yesterday my home scale said 225). my BMI is officially under 40 which means i'm no longer considered morbidly obese, i'm now simply obese. who knew i'd be happy to be considered obese? but the most exciting news is that when i weighed myself this morning at home my weight was 222. why is this so significant? at my highest weight i was 323. so i've now officially lost over 100 pounds! 101 to be exact! while the surgery has contributed to that quite a bit, i had lost & kept off a little over 60 lbs on my own. it is such a monumental moment for me. according to HCMC i have a ways to go yet, they've figured my ideal weight to be around 137, but all of this is really now virgin territory to me. the lowest i'd ever been in my adult life was 229 prior to this. other than that, the lowest weight i remember being was 180 when i was 14.

i'm still not sure that i feel like i've lost that much weight. i still can't really tell the difference in my clothes, which makes me wonder if i was just wearing everything really fucking tight before. but other people can see the difference. jenn & crystal took me to trader joe's today (field trip!) & they both said they could see the difference. it's nice to get the external validation from other people. i'm sure in the weeks to come i'll see the differences myself. & i'll get some updated pics taken to post here.

staying home

i'm lonely. frustratingly lonely. staying home really bites. my life is in this horrible limbo right now that consists of bad day time tv, crippling nausea, & dehydration. i spent this past weekend at my parents' house just because it was a change of pace. i know that everyone else still has to work & keep going with their lives. i'm not so horribly vain to think that the world really DOES revolve around me. but it's hard to keep emailing, calling, IM-ing, & texting with no response. i'm starting to feel like maybe i should just tuck into my apartment & wait out the last week & a half of my medical leave.

i've contemplated trying to go back earlier, but i'm still incredibly weak. it's actually quite amazing how weak i am right now. & since i went to the doctor & extended my leave i need to relax & rest & do my best to feel better. i can't head back to work early just because i'm bored & lonely.

honest, i'm really trying hard not to bitch about about how i'm feeling because, like i keep reminding myself, i chose to do this. but it is hard. just drinking water is difficult. & i'm now a vegetarian, not by choice, my body just can't handle digesting meat yet. i tried chicken on monday & it was just ugly. i am such a carnivore it's seriously disturbing that i can't eat meat. *sighs* i know, it'll be worth it in the end. but today, lately even, has just been damn tough.

featured comic from xkcd

this is too sweet (& where's the person who will say this to me?!):
[this comic can be found here at xkcd]

three weeks out of surgery: faqs

my surgery was three weeks ago today & i've come to realize that a lot of people have the same questions about my life now, the surgery, & what will come for me as i continue to live with this change. somethings i have answers to, but others i don't yet have the answers, but i know they'll come eventually.

will you ever be able to eat normally again?
~that depends on the definition of "normal." will i ever be able to get my money's worth at an all you can eat buffet? no. will i ever be able to eat a wide variety of food again? yes. right now while my body is still healing from surgery i am on a somewhat limited diet. when i was sent home from the hospital i was on a liquid diet for a week, & now i'm on a softer diet, slowing adding in new foods as i can tolerate them. i currently eat 1/2 cup of food three times a day. my dietician said that i will eventually eat up to 1 cup of food at each meal.

how much weight have you lost?
~i know that when people ask this question they mean "how much weight have you lost[since your surgery]?" but because i'm me & difficult i like to break it up. so this morning i weighed in at 227. at my highest weight i was 323. since my highest weight i've lost 96 lbs. since i started the liquid diet i've lost exactly 30 lbs. since my surgery i've lost 15 lbs. this is all on my home scale. i go back to HCMC on friday for some follow up appointments, so i'll have some "official" numbers then.

will you have loose skin?
~honestly, i have no idea. & the doctors have no idea. because i've been obese, ok, technically morbidly obese, for so long it is fairly likely. but the human body is also wonderful at adapting, & as i lose weight my skin should "tighten up" a bit too. & then of course exercising will also help too. but overall this is one of those things that i will just need to do a wait&see on.

will you still be able to have kids?
~in a word: yes. i need to wait until my weight stabilizes. the official word from the surgeon's office i need to wait at least 18 months. now, it's not like i have anyone waiting with baited breath to impregnate me, but it's still good to know i have to wait that long, for my health & the baby's health.

would you recommend this surgery to someone else?
~this is a tricky question because the decision to have weight loss surgery is SO personal. i would never tell someone they should or shouldn't have the surgery because each person needs to make that decision on their own because no one else lives in their body. if anyone i know is interested in having gastric bypass i am more than willing to talk to them about my experience & answer any questions that i can. for me this was the right choice.

i tried to cover all of the questions that i've been asked frequently about the surgery, but if there's a question i forgot to answer, please ask & i'll answer it.

so much for being a super hero

i made it exactly one day back at work & i'm back out on medical leave again. oh, who am i kidding, it wasn't even a whole day. i WORKED the whole day, but i was there barely an hour & i felt lousy & had people telling me, in a very nice work appropriate way that i looked like crap. awesome, eh? everyone from coworkers to my supervisor to my director to directors of OTHER departments & even the woman in human resources. it was also highly recommended that i leave early. of course, i stayed & did as much work as possible.

on tuesday night after work i did wind up in urgent care because i'm SO TALENTED that i managed to score myself a post-op UTI (urinary tract infection). not to be overly descriptive, but it felt like my bladder was filled with razor blades. & that morning i'd been up for an hour & a half having to pee every two minutes. LITERALLY every two minutes from 2:30am to 4am. the urgent care doc was lovely but told me that i have a very severe infection. awesome. i rock. but i did get some pretty frickin strong antibiotics, which is good.

but i went to HCMC wednesday morning & had an appointment with my surgeon. & i really did go back too soon. i WANTED to be super woman & go back strong after two weeks, but i just wasn't ready. i have been suffering from VERY intense & overwhelming nausea. basically pretty debilitating. on top of that i've been really weak. kinda sad, but weak to the point that i have a refill for my air freshner that i can't replace because i can't get the cap off. pathetic, i know. although, the nurse at the hospital had a pretty good point that with the nausea, my body still getting used to my new stomach, & a severe infection it's no wonder i felt like crap.

my medical leave has been extended to march 17th, so another two weeks basically past today, so another almost three weeks in total. if i feel better before the end of my leave i'll get medically cleared to go back early. but now that i've come to grips with the fact that i'm NOT back at work after two weeks i'm realizing how hard this really is on my body. i've taken an afternoon nap wednesday, thursday, & today. just trying to drink all my water, eat three meals a day, & just function really is exhausting. i know that sounds lame, but it really is.

to be honest, it's twenty to nine pm right now & i could go to sleep for the night right now & i just woke up a couple hours ago from a nap. i have talked to my doctor's office about the nausea & the exhaustion. they said that everyone's body is different & some people take longer to adjust. right now it is really just going to take some time. i also need to be very good to myself.

little rest for the wicked

so tomorrow it's back to work with my bad self. yeah, that time went pretty frickin fast. i kinda can't believe it myself. since i'm still not feeling completely better i really kinda don't want to go. i'll be completely upfront about that. i've had more than one person tell me i should try to extend my leave. & that taking only two weeks off work is crazy.

& i'll admit, yeah, it is sorta crazy. now that i'm faced with going back tomorrow i realize this is pretty mother fucking crazy. no two ways about that one. but i also feel that i can't really extend my leave. OK, if i really needed to, i probably could have. but it would have involved getting new paperwork from hcmc & getting that to work & then my team would have to pick up the slack on the work that i was assigned to do this week. & i just can't do that. if i would have originally taken three or four weeks then it would be one thing. but i would just feel really bad trying to extend it.

so yeah, lesson learned. if i ever know i'm having surgery in the future i'll plan my FMLA for a longer period of time & then i can always go back early. it's easier to change the dates that way than the other way. for the group home i'm supposed to go back in a few weeks. because that's lifting people & repositioning them i took more time. i have about five weeks off from there.

in the mean time i'm just going to do the best that i can each day. i'm not planning on doing anything in the evenings that i don't HAVE to do. this coming thursday will be a challenge. i'll be working all day & then i have class that night until 9pm. oy. wait. can i say that again? OY! i'm getting tired just thinking about that.

at least the girl has her priorities right (late posting)

~~so i started this on october 9th, 2007, just found it & realized i have to post it because, well, it's funny & so true of my life~~

on friday night i was just chilling at my apartment, watching house, eating some spinich linguine with seasoned chicken in a garlic alfredo sauce, just having a nice chillax night, which i was in desperate need of. my male roommate's smoke detector was beeping, as it has been for, oh, well over a month now. every minute, on the minute. a reminder to replace the battery. a reminder that has been ignored.

beep.

beep.

beep.

then all of a sudden, a much louder more insistent beeping. more like, oh, an alarm. now for the briefest of moments i did actually think that my roommate's alarm had been ignored so long that it decided to be a bit more nosy. but i quickly realized that wasn't the case. yup, the alarm in the entire building went off. now i was having a pretty good time watching house, eating dinner, & i really didn't want to leave, but, i also couldn't really enjoy either of those things with the apartment sounding like i was in the middle of an air raid.

well, there was that & the fact that there was smoke in the hallway. so i decided getting out of the apartment would be the best course of action. now even though the alarm was going off & there was smoke in the hallway, i did take a moment to collect the things i absolutely couldn't live without, just in case the building was really going to burn to the ground. so i calmly, & yet with haste put my laptop, powercord, ipod, & cell phone in my backpack & the bag then on my back. only then did i make my way out of the building.

after quite a while the fire department gave us the go ahead to go back in the building. someone had burned, er, incinerated, er, tried to cremate a bag of popcorn in the microwave. so the hallway smelled just frickin terrific. but i was fairly pleased with myself that i did get myself & my important items out of the building. i'm sure not as quickly as the fire marshal would have liked, but out none the less. the bummer: cold food & i missed almost all of house.

thought of the week: february 17th-23rd

i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees, when you hurt, when you suffer, i'm your angel undercover, i've been numb, i'm revived, can't say i'm not alive, you know i wouldn't want it any other way

~meredith brooks, bitch

truer words have never been spoken about me. actually, for anyone who hasn't heard this song, the song in its entirety is very much a good explanation of me & my personality. there were actually several parts of this song that i almost pulled out to post, but i love these particular lines the most.

one of my favorite explanations is that i really AM a quintessential gemini. so i am a contradiction at times. i am a raging extrovert who is always flitting about work & talking to everyone & trying to get to know everyone. but sometimes i want nothing more than to tuck in on the couch at my apartment & curl up with my remote & just tell the world to fuck off for a while. i have a lot of confidence & i think very highly of myself, but not to the point that i can't see past the end of my nose. i always try to be VERY aware of my friends, their lives, & how they are doing & i'm always asking what i can do to help them.

i've had a lot of people telling me i'm going to change a lot now that i've had surgery. & i understand that there will be lots of things to change. the first of course being my physical body. but i've also been told that i most likely will have subtle changes to my personality. & i'm a bit afraid of that because i like who i am. i really don't want my personality to change at all. i like the fact that i have ego for three people, but also a deep compassion for others. i like being whimsical, as tina calls me. i like all my little ticks & habits & idiosyncrasies that make up me as a person. yeah, some people are probably annoyed by some of them (like the fact that i'm a blog whore & pimp by blog to all my friends) but i'm also ok with the fact that there are things about me that other people don't love whole heartedly. the world would be a very boring place if everyone loved 100% of everything about everyone they knew.

so here's praying that my personality doesn't change much. cause i like me. hell, i love me. that & the ghetto boo-tay. the votes are half & half on my butt. half say i'll lose it completely & half say the ass is genetic & it'll just get smaller. i'm hoping i keep my curvacious ass in a smaller size. hell, even white boys gotta shout on that one *winks*

post-op follow up, weight check, & the like

i had my post-op follow up appointment on wednesday & i was cleared to head back to work on tuesday. according to hcmc my weight is at 240 lbs, which is about five down from surgery, so five down in nine days, not too bad at all. as far as my home scale goes, this morning it said 229.8, which is .8 lbs more than the lowest weight i have ever been, to my knowledge, as an adult. granted, there is also a few days between those numbers (on wednesday my home scale said 234.8, so it is a bit off from the doctor's office). that's pretty exciting, i will admit. i'm guessing that by the time i head back to work on tuesday i'll be lower than i've been in my adult life. the lowest i remember being as an adult is 229 even, so i'm really close to that.

it's a very trippy thing. especially since people are telling me i look a lot thinner, but i'm not feeling it. & it may be because i've been not feeling well most of this week. i have been struggling pretty hard core with intense nausea. i've been so nauseous that my iphone knows that word after i've entered "nau" & it suggests the word nauseous. there are a couple of possible causes for not feeling well. it could be i'm dehydrated, which, evidently can cause nausea. i had no idea on that one. or my body could be having a reaction to the vicodin. or could be i need to eat something (which i don't feel like doing because i feel like vomiting). it's also been suggested that my body is still getting over the anesthesia. or that my body is still in shock over the trauma of surgery.

i did talk to my doctor's office about it. they said the nausea is pretty common. recommended that i take vitamin b-1, so i've been doing that religiously. & then they said to do everything possible to get my 60 oz of water in everyday. which is SO much tougher than i ever imagined it would be. that is NOT that much water. especially for someone who would routinely drink a gallon a day. but pretty much every day i'm battling the urge to gag. it really blows. but i'm doing my best. i'm making sure to take my multivitamins & my calcium (the past couple days in the form of tums hoping that'll help).

i really had wanted to blog more while i had this time off work. but i just haven't been able to sit at my computer for too long because it just makes me sick. i've been doing a lot of laying on the couch with my eyes closed. which, i'm going to do now as soon as i post this.

one week out of surgery

i wish i could give a weight update right now, how much i've gone down in the last week out of surgery, but i'm still at my parents' house & they don't have a scale here. i know. bizarre. so that'll have to wait until tuesday or wednesday when i'm back at my own place. i can say that when i was admitted to hcmc last monday i was 245.2 according to their scale.

as for how i'm feeling: doing pretty well. i was so sleepy earlier today that i basically woke up, drank my "breakfast," watched maybe half an hour of tv, & then decided a nap was in order. may as well take plenty of naps if i'm tired & i have the time off work. pretty soon, in just a week, i'll be back to work & back to my chaotic life.

looking forward to being over the liquid diet, but i've also been told that my "first meal" will most likely be fairly disappointing. *shrugs* just something different will be nice. & something that is progress & shows that i'm healing & getting better & progressing, which, solid food fills all of those qualifications.

i'm also looking forward to just getting on with my life. getting back to the Y & back to (mis)adventures with miss jenn. trying to re-focus my life & just get things back into my normal sense of (dis)order. i don't like having to be on the sidelines or to be out sick from work. makes me fidgety to get back into the mix of things.

field trip

i finally got out of the house today. i've been going SO stir crazy. not that i don't like my parents & my brother & my cats & dog. . . but i'm sorta a social person & i really need to go out & see people. my mom is the kind that can tuck in & stay at home for weeks & it doesn't bother her at all not to see other people. i've been so frickin bored, even when i was nauseous on friday i was sick of seeing the same walls.

ok, josh visited me on wednesday & tina stopped by with baby lucas on friday, so that helped me get through until today. but today i got out & about in the community. yippee! my mom had some stuff to get at target & i had a small list myself, so we went & picked some stuff up. i also got a new copy of pretty in pink since the one i bought last week skipped towards the end :(

while it was awesome getting out of the house for a bit, it really did tire me out. it's not even 9pm & i'm kinda nodding off at my computer. the only reason i'm even staying conscious is that i have to wait another hour before i can take anything else for pain & i really don't feel like nodding off & then waking up an hour later with stabby pains in my side. stabby pains are not good at all.

i know i've been bitching a lot about the pain & i try not to be the whiny complainer type, but this is pretty uncomfortable. then again, that is to be expected with surgery of any kind. it's still not as bad as when i had my gallbladder out back in the spring of 2000. so, i guess that's an upside?

speaking of food network

have i mentioned that food network is now porn to me? i spent the whole weekend before my surgery watching food network. right now i'm sitting in front of: diners, drive-ins, & dives drooling. . .& slightly aroused. ok, well, maybe not aroused, but definitely drooling. yeah, still on my post surgery liquid diet. i get to start on real food this coming wednesday, just three more days.

i didn't think i'd miss food. i've been SO over eating for such a long time now. it's been such a pain in the ass. figuring out what i was going to have for lunch, for dinner. breakfast was always oatmeal & coffee, so that didn't cause any extra thought. i tried for so long to eat healthy & eat the right things & nothing seemed to make any difference in my trying to lose weight. but i was really actually looking forward to post surgery just being able to plan my little meals, pack my little half cup tupperware with my meal for work & be on my way. no need to worry, fret, fantasize.

& now, five days out of surgery i'm watching tv & thinking: goddamn i'd love to have some eggs benedict right now. or a burger. or pizza. or cheesecake. or. . .um, how about just something that has chewable parts?

then again, at this moment my pain level is pretty high because of my afore mentioned lack of narcotics post surgery. i really must call my doctor on monday & discuss this, because i don't like sharp pains. & i want a quick recovery but i think it's a bit soon for me to be totally off the narcotics. i think i'll go take two of my precious vicodin, crawl into bed, & dream of tasty treats passing my lips.

interesting phrases

so i'm watching food network with my mom, a sugar competition having to do with nature themed pieces. & each competitor is going through saying what their piece is about & why they chose it. & one guy says:

"i realized i'd never blown a giraffe & i'd like to."

omg. i laughed so hard it hurt. seriously. the things people say on cable tv.

thought of the week: february 10th-16th

this time i think i'm to blame, it's harder to get through the days, we get older and blame turns to shame, 'cause everything inside it never comes out right
~buckcherry, sorry

so, welcome to one of my new ringtones. i created it sunday night before my surgery. i heard the song exactly once on the radio, fell in love with it, & hunted it down on itunes. right now it's my default, so if you aren't lucky enough to be assigned a ringtone, it's what my phone will play when you call me *grins*

all last week when the liquid diet was getting tough. & this week through the pain & the nausea & the fear i never took it out, even once, on another person. the only time i even raised my voice was last week when my mom picked a fight with me. i just kept telling myself "this is my choice, my own decision made of free will." yeah, not much of a consolation when my cube smelled like bbq-ed meat for a whole day. or chinese food another. or the food network was like porn all weekend.

the days before my surgery were hard to get through. not just because i wasn't eating, but because my nerves were getting to me. & i felt like i had to be brave. especially with my mom, as we're walking into HCMC the morning of my surgery saying to my sister: "i really wish she wouldn't do this." i know. talk about a kick in the balls. she really does love me, so please don't hold any ill will towards her. but that kind of negativity is pretty fucking hard to deal with. especially in the off chance that there's something bad that happens.

& i've felt like no matter how much i say, i just can't make it come out right to those people who are/were doubting me. no matter what i say it's not the right thing, or said the right way. & i still come away sorta feeling like i'm in the wrong somehow. or like i'm committing some kind of felony against someone else. hard to describe exactly at this moment. i'd say blame it on the narcotics, but they didn't give me that many, so right now i'm just trying to make them last the weekend. so, uh, let's blame it on the pain?

thought of the week: february 3rd-9th (late edition)

~i actually started this a while ago, during the above titled week, but i haven't had a chance to finish it until now~

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
~red hot chili peppers, scar tisssue

this song has been running through my head a lot lately. & i don't know if it's because the closer i get to surgery the more i need to defend myself. or, the more i feel i need to defend myself. some of the people who i had hoped would not question me are continuing to fight me every step of the way, one of them being my mom. i'll be honest, the thing with my mom hurts the worst. she actually picked a fight with me on the evening of the 5th when i stopped by my parents house. i hadn't eaten solid food for two days & she was telling me she thinks i'm making a mistake. & my mom is one of the people who's seen the most of how much my weight problem has effected me.

this has been the hardest decision that i've ever made & i really just wish that i could open my memories & my heart & thrust people into my body, myself, my mind & emotions at those times. i wish i could make them feel everything i've gone through over the past 23 years of being obese. i want them to feel the cuts. all the things over the years that have compounded one of top of another that helped me come to the point where i decided surgery was the path i needed to take.

i made this decision for my health. will i lie & say that i haven't thought of some of the vanity advantages? no, i won't be a hypocrite. it will be nice to wear smaller clothes. to not always be the fattest girl, well, anywhere i go. it's going to be nice to have other people see the bright, vibrant, intelligent, funny, sweet person that i am & not be looked over because i'm pudgy. but i made this decision because i want to be healthy. i don't want to have to be on a c-pap machine because i stop breathing when i sleep. or on dozens of medications to treat different medical conditions that have arisen. i want to have kids in the semi near future & i want to be an active parent. i want to run around with my kids. take them hiking, snow tubing, swimming, biking, roller blading. . .all those things that are good for kids.

i want to be a good example to my kids, to my nephews & nieces. will i lie about my surgery? no, i won't. haven't figured out how i'm going to explain it to the little ones who are in my life now, but i'll figure it out along the way. the biggest thing is that i'm going through this pain now to have a better life later on.

as for the scars from the past. i'm sure they'll fade, a bit, with time. but they run very deep, too deep for me to ever forget them completely. & i don't want to forget them. because even though they stung, & still sting if i think too hard on them, they've brought me to who i am today.

i'd started this blog with the intention of sharing some of those scars, the things that have cut me over the years, but now, as i get into this, i'm not sure that i can. it's not that i don't want to share. it's that i don't know how. & what would be the point of doing so at this time? i'm not asking for pity. & i'm semi afraid that would be the response that i would get. so maybe, for now, we'll leave those scars where they are, healing.

first post-op blog

so i've come out of surgery ok. my surgeon actually said the surgery went really well. i'll admit, i was SO fucking nauseous when i woke up from the anesthesia. i really wanted to vomit. & i hate throwing up. that went away after a little while though. my family stayed for a bit, but then left because i was going in & out of consciousness & the chairs at the hospital aren't too comfy for too long.

but i had three visitors besides my family. Q stopped by for a bit to chat with me & give me a really cute get well card that has a guy hooked up to all kinds of IVs that have "real" food names on them (i'll put pics up later of my cards & such). he said i looked pretty good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. i was a bit sleepy & a bit nauseous when he was there, not because of him, but just because i'd been under general anesthesia that morning & had a pretty major surgery.

then about half an hour after Q left jenn & crystal came by to visit me. they both said i looked good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. & they made me laugh, ok, smile because laughing hurt, with some stories from work. i had to shake my head over the work stuff because nothing more i can do than that until i get back. but those two are so frickin funny, it was definitely great to see them. they also brought by some balloons for me & two cards: a get well card with a half nekkid boy (yipp-ie!) & a birthday card.

it was so nice getting visitors. i'm definitely a social kind of girl, even right out of surgery i was pretty chatty with every nurse, aide, doctor, and med student that crossed my path. it's just the way i bounce.

i did get sprung from HCMC on tuesday, i almost didn't & was pretty close to having to spend a second night in the hospital. D'OH! first they didn't want to give me narcotics because over a year ago i'd had vicodin for a back injury. yeah, so they wanted to release me from the hospital without any pain meds. then, once they found a dr to prescribe them they had trouble with my insurance. so they needed a new copy of my insurance card to run the meds through. by then i was in pain & nauseous & running a slight fever. so they checked my temp, decided to recheck it in half an hour, it was up again at the second check. so then they called a doctor to see if i had to stay or could go. by this time it was after 5pm. the word finally came back that it was up to me if i wanted to stay or leave.

i really almost decided to spend another night in the hospital because i was really nauseous & sometimes, god love him, my dad's driving makes me car sick even when i'm completely healthy. but i decided to go home because my back really hurt, not from the surgery but from sleeping on the hospital bed. & because i thought i'd feel better if i was home. granted, my parents' is not my HOME, but it's way better than the hospital. so my dad & brother picked me up around 7pm & i was off to recover at home.

i've been pretty good here at the 'rents place. i wanted to blog earlier this week, but my mom has been bogarting my computer. she supposedly took the week off work to stay home with me, but she was into the office for a meeting on wednesday & has been on my computer the rest of the time. as for me: i was in great spirits & feeling well wednesday & thursday. yesterday was really rough all day. i woke up nauseous & just got worse as the day went on. i didn't have any of my "liquid" meals. didn't have anything except water. & spent a good deal of the day gagging. yeah, not fun at all.

but today i'm 150% better. i wanted to go home today, but my parents have taken a vote & over ruled me & said i'm not allowed to go home until i'm able to drive myself. so, yeah, i'll be here for another few days. i pretty much scared the shite out of them yesterday. ooops.

but i'm back in blog land. back in the land of the living. & back to text messaging. so hit me up. i'm bored out of my gourd & looking for social interaction.

liquid diet: day #7

this'll be short because i've been awake since just past 7am saturday & i'm sleepy. my surgery is in just 7 1/2 hours & my family & i have to leave the house in just under 6 hours. so i should get some sleep.

day 7 went ok. i was so busy getting ready that i almost forgot one of my liquid meals! grand total weight loss for the liquid diet is somewheres around 15 pounds, give or take.

so i'm off to pass out.

more blogging will come in the next few days, this time it'll be blogging on prescription drugs. awesome.

liquid diet: day #6

IT'S BACON! (this will be explained)

day 6 started off pretty uneventfully. i woke up god-awful early at a bit past 7am. partially because i heard a text message come in on my phone, but partially just because i wasn't really deeply asleep anymore. because if i really am totally asleep, i don't hear my phone, or, it doesn't wake me up. now, i will say that i have, in the past, sleep text messaged. but that really doesn't count as being awake.

i had some coffee with splenda in it, my chocolate instant breakfast, just started the day out normally. or, as normally as one can when their sole source of nutrition is drinkable. i know, enough with the whole "oh, wah me, i'm drinking my meals." i know, i did make this decision, it's something i put on myself, so i'm really not whining. just saying. & thank god it's only a week instead of more. at the surgical consult at HCMC they were saying some people have to do FOUR WEEKS! my friend josh that had gastric bypass had to do two weeks. although, to be honest, now that i'm in my routine, i could do another week if i had to. it wouldn't be preferable, but i could do it.

the upside to doing a liquid diet is the rapid weight loss. now, I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE GO ON A LIQUID DIET WITHOUT DOCTOR'S ORDERS. however, as a pre-surgery prep, it does make you lose weight rather rapidly. i've lost about 13 pounds since monday. i know, it's like two pounds a day! the reason for the liquid diet is not to lose weight prior to surgery, at least, not according to the information i was given, the purpose is to shrink the size of my liver & go into surgery with a healthy liver.

so i went to my parents' house today to get some stuff that i wanted to bring to my new apartment. basically i have the space & i've been really missing my books. so i packed up six boxes of books(which is not even all of my books) & the last of my "smaller" clothes that were at their place to bring them back home. my mom was asleep when i got there (she hasn't been feeling well) so i packed my stuff up & started loading my car. & i didn't want to just grab stuff & run, so i hung out, watched some tv, drank some water.

when my mom finally woke up she was hungry & decided to make bacon, eggs, & toast. oy. i now REALLY know what the dog feels like on that commercial. while my mom was having her yummy breakfast i was having an instant breakfast, heated up for a little change of pace so it was sorta like a hot chocolate. so i'm smelling this absolutely heavenly bacon. & it was done so nice & crispy, but not too much so that it was burnt. yeah, i almost cried a wee bit. but i smiled & told my mom "no, of course it doesn't bother me, please, please eat your breakfast." meanwhile a strange hybrid between the beggin strips commercial & the trix commercial was running through my head:

irrational inner voice: "IT'S BACON!"
rationale inner voice: "silly beckah, it's carnation instant breakfast."

yeah, so, life is interesting. carnation instant breakfast is yummy when heated. not as yummy as bacon. but pretty palatable.

liquid diet: day #5

day five is now history too. & today was not such a bad day. first off: i really have the best coworkers. i want to put that right up front. on the QA team we have one guy who's a QA & the rest of the team is female. well it was his turn to bring treats for the team on friday, & i hadn't really thought much about it at all, to be honest. i was guessing it would be donuts or bagels or something along those lines that was on my list of unedible foods, for now.

so he rolls in, puts the treats on a desk down the row & then goes back to his desk, which is right across from mine, & he tells me that he got something for me because i couldn't eat the other treats. he got me a naked juice (& yes, there were a few jokes later in the day about the fact that he got me naked). he actually got two, one for him & one for me & he let me pick which one i wanted (i picked blue machine so he got mighty mango). & the best part was that the bottle was almost 16 oz, so i was able to divide it in half & drink half for breakfast & half for lunch. rock on. i just have to say: isn't that SO sweet?

since today was my last day at work before my surgery it was all kind of surreal. & it wasn't tough at all for me to stick to my liquid diet. two of my fellow female QAs went out to eddinton's for lunch, which is kind of a soup & sandwich joint, & i asked them to pick up some wisconsin cheddar soup for me to have for dinner tonight. sadly enough there were too many chunks in it (little bits of carrots, celery, & onions) so i wound up only having a little bit before it drove me crazy & i wound up throwing the rest away because i didn't want to break the rules & eat ANYTHING. but even that wasn't too tragic.

now i just have the weekend to get through. & theoretically i can lock myself in my apartment until sunday night & not go anywhere near another living being, which will mean i will not be near food either. ok, i really DO have actual food in my apartment right now, but i've been resisting the urge to have any of it. i'm doing everything i can to make my surgery a success.

liquid diet: day #4

i won't say it's a total lie that after day 3 on a liquid diet it's easy sailing, because it does get a little bit better. especially when the math geek in me can say at lunch time "at least i'm 50% done." but it's still pretty tough to be constantly surrounded by food & not able to eat any of it. i am still sticking to it though, neurotically so because, well, that's just the way i roll.

a few people have jokingly asked me if i could take some spaghetti & liquify it in a blender, or throw some steak and potatoes into a cuisinart & let it rip until it's smooth & technically a liquid. & while it sounds disgusting (& to be honest, it really looks disgusting too, i know this first hand from working at the group home) i did actually ponder it for a half a second, but i have not liquified anything that was previously solid.

& then there's the fact that while nothing chewable is passing my lips, the rest of the world is not stopping. & god help them, i'm surrounded by people who like to share. today i was at work on a helpline call when one of my fellow QAs, offered me some honey roasted peanuts. a pretty benign act on it's own, except, by offering i mean she put a huge (by huge i mean like 2-3 pound tin) of honey roasted peanuts under my nose, literally. luckily i was on a call with a phone rep so i couldn't say anything, but i just looked at her, & i must have given her the EVIL evil eye or something because all of a sudden she goes "oh, i'm SO sorry" and ran off. & then 2 seconds later i got an email from her telling me she was so sorry for forgetting & she felt horrible. & i responded to her that she really SHOULDN'T feel bad, i don't expect the rest of the world to stop for me (yeah, i know, SHOCKING, i think my princess tiara may be in jeopardy for that one).

& it's not the first time this week. on tuesday i was talking with miss cz at work regarding miss jenn's bday & she said that she was making low fat angel food cupcakes for jenn's birthday so that i wouldn't have to bake anything because she thought it would be torture being on a liquid diet & having to bake a cake. & yeah, that would've been hell on earth, no licking the beaters, bowl, or spatula. then, in the next breath she told me to make sure i stopped by jenn's desk to grab one & some lite cool whip. & i just stopped, looked at her. i wound up telling her *maybe* i'd come grab a teensy bit of cool whip for my jello. i was a good girl & resisted it all together.

then, last night Q & i went out to see the eye. before we went to the movie i gave him his birthday gift, which included two 1/2 pound bags of candy from candyland (one the raspberry hearts & the other the red & black berry jelly candies). i'd been talking to him about how day three of the liquid diet was blowing pretty hard core & i really wanted to gnaw my own arm off for a piece of garlic cheese bread. then about half a second later, he's munching on the candy, and offers me a piece. really, Q is a sweet guy & very smart. . . .i just surround myself with people who like to share & it's hard to break that habit, i get that.

today i almost did jump a fellow QA for her chinese food. i have no idea what she got except that it smelled divine. i'm guessing chicken something with rice. i actually had to walk away from my desk during my lunch & wander the call center to get away from the smell & the temptation.

all & all though, even with class tonight, day 4 much better than day three.

liquid diet: day #3

ok, day three blows. hard core. in every way. i'm so hungry right now i would gnaw off my own arm for a piece of garlic cheese bread. & it's only half past noon. someone at work had some really yummy smelling chinese food & it took all my will power not to flood my desk with drool as i salivated over the smell. jello is not a suitable replacement for garlic cheese bread. taking 30-45 minutes to enjoy 8oz of cream of tomato soup is torture, especially when, to quote jenn "i could enjoy that in 30-45 seconds." tru dat.

 

i keep reminding myself:

~just four more days after today.

~i'm almost half done.

~i chose to do this to myself.

~it will be worth it.

~i really am smarter than food.

~i can resist temptation.

~it's a character building experience

~this will make great writing for my memoir on this whole thing.

 

on the upside, for giggles i stepped on the scale at work (the one that we've been losing or our own little biggest loser competition) & i've lost 3.5 pounds since monday morning. & this was after i had drank my 8oz of breakfast, some water, & some coffee. so it may have actually been closer to 4 pounds. that's kind of nice to see.

 

so i think it's pretty safe to say that i have forever left the 260's behind me. my primary doctor actually thinks that i will fairly easily lose 100 pounds after the surgery, which is just mind boggling to me. because, that means that i could make it down to 160, which, to be honest, i don't ever remember being that weight. EVER. & i have no clue how to even try to process that.

 

it's a really mixed up emotional time for me right now. i'm owning that. & knowing that after monday it won't all go away. i'm still going to have my bad days. i'm going to have those days that i wonder what i did to myself. having surgery is not going to magically change everything in my life. it's going to change a lot of things, but it's not an end all be all easy fix by any means. i know this. i'll never go to an all-you-can-eat buffet again; what would be the point? & i'm sure that there will be times that i cry in frustration because of. . .because of reasons i can't even identify right now.

 

as of this exact moment: i'm hungry, i'm cold, i'm tired. i need a nap with my teddy bear in my big cozy bed with my fuzzy blanket pulled up around me. if i could have that right now all would be so much better.

 

***i would also like to apologize in advance for any crankiness i may aim at anyone in the next month. i do sincerely apologize & i'm sure that i didn't mean it***

liquid diet: day #2

interestingly enough, today was tougher than yesterday. i'd really been expecting the first day to be the hardest for me. i sort of thought that going from eating normally to eating a very limited liquid diet would cause me to gnaw on my cube walls. but yesterday wasn't too tough at all. i had some sugar free jello, a couple popsicles, broth, my liquid meals, water. . .all those things on my approved list. i had a couple dodgey moments, especially when one of my fellow QAs set up a crockpot filled with bbq meatballs & mini weinnies, but i somehow blocked it out.

today i've been a lot more hungry. maybe it's just the second day thing, i don't know. what i've been told is that the first three days are the hardest, so i'm basically two thirds done. once tomorrow is over the hardest part should be done of the liquid diet.

i really could use a cheeseburger right now. with fries. & some pizza. & a nice big glass of orange juice. . . . i should probably stop thinking about this. & should definitely stay away from the food network right now. it's like porn.

liquid diet: day #1

things i've learned day #1:

~i can resist the urge to dive face first into a crock pot full of bbq mini weinnies & meatballs

~jello actually will quell hunger

~it's not a good idea to watch food network while on a liquid diet

~april is the bestest friend EVER for doing this with me

~i have WAY MORE will power than i ever knew

thought of the week: january 27th-february 2nd

i can’t stand to fly, i'm not that naive, i’m just out to find, the better part of me/i’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane, i'm more than some pretty face beside a train, it’s not easy to be me.
~five for fighting, superman

this song haunts me & gives me hope for the future at the same time. the melody is soft, sad, soulful. but it's also realistic while being optimistic at the same time. & that's the part that i really love about it. i heard this the other day when i was driving, um, somewhere, & it occurred to me that this really sums up the way i'm feeling right now.

it's been tough lately. & i don't know how much of it is because i'm a little over sensitive/over emotional lately, or if it's because some people really have been less than supportive lately.
my grandmother (who, since i was 7 has told me i'm too big & i need to lose weight) is adamantly against the surgery & i wound up having to essentially tell her, in a nice way, to shut up because she wasn't going to change my mind. i don't like having to fight with my family & friends.

the thing that i find interesting, if i look at this clinically, is how personally other people are taking my decision to have surgery. i have some people that have acted like my decision is a personal affront against them. like i'm trying to hurt them, or abandon them, or make them look bad, or. . . i don't even know what. which is kind of a really odd thing, in my opinion, because i'm doing this for me because i want to have a long healthy life. it has nothing to do with anyone else at all.

& i'm really just trying to get a better life for myself. i want to be healthy. & right now, except for being, oh, around 100 lbs + overweight, i'm very healthy. & one day i'll probably have demon spawn, i mean, children, & i really don't want to be that mom that tells her kids to go outside & play on their own because i don't have the energy to be active with them.

i do know that getting surgery isn't a "magic pill." it's also not the easy way out. it's the toughest thing that i've done so far, & i'm not even at the surgery part. i'm sure there are going to be plenty of times that i'm pissy & cranky because i hurt or something else. but i need to just remember why i'm doing all of this.