thought of the week: september 14-20

he's just a boy and i'm just a girl, can i make it anymore obvious? we are in love, haven't you heard how we rock each others world!
~avril lavigne sk8r boi

i haven't mentioned E much on here except in passing; but he's simply fabulous. it's been almost five months that we've been together & it seems like so much longer in one way, & in another i can't believe it's been that long. our first date was on may 1st, which is actually really nice because it makes it easy to remember & figure out. within the first seven days of our first meeting in person we'd been on five dates & we were pretty much inseparable; but not in that creepy ew-that-couple-is-wearing-matching-sweatpants-set way.

things have been kind of tough at times. he's been really busy with work. because he does freelance work summer is his busy season, so we usually only get to see each other once a week. back in the middle of the summer there was a time where we went ten days, two weeks, something like that between seeing each other. & then he's had to spend quite a few weekends working: going to conventions & things like that. even though E has been really busy he makes time for me. we chat almost everyday online, or we'll talk on the phone.

just like tonight. he had to finish a project for a freelance project, & get ready to head up to duluth for the weekend for a different project, but he & i went to dinner & then hung out at his place watching total drama island & south park so we could spend just a bit of time together. sometimes on the weekends that i work at the group home we'll hang out & watch tv for a bit after i get done with work.

it's all those little things he does that show me that he loves me. there's so many little things that i can't even list them all out. he's been really wonderful over the time we've been seeing each other. & there have been some tough times. his ferret sophie got sick & had to be put down. there was my second surgery. & now my eating disorder. but none of it has been a source of stress for us, we've been getting through all of it together.

so yeah, we are in love & we totally rock each others' worlds.

thought of the week: may 26-june 1

we admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do. and these are the words you wish you wrote down. this is the way you wish your voice sounds, handsome and smart. oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart

~brand new okay, i believe you but my tommy gun don't

i've been listening to a lot of brand new lately. not for any reason in particular, but just because. i really enjoy their lyrics, & this song in general is one that's been drawing me. the phrase i like the best of theirs is the portion of the above quote that says "my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart." i can't even explain why i'm so drawn to this particular part of the song, but i am.

maybe it's because i'm a passionate person. when i really believe in someone or something i do it with my whole heart. i love with all of my being. i put myself out on the line, sometimes so far out there that i can't see the edge anymore. i also tend to be a social person. at work when i was working as a phone rep taking incoming member calls i would get more done in a fifteen minute break than most people accomplished on their half hour lunch. i'd get water from the breakroom, use the bathroom, & talk to a dozen people & still get back on the phone in time. i just really see myself in these lyrics.

lately i've been doing a lot of reflecting. much of it spurred on by my surgery & the after affects. some by things that have been going on in the lives of my friends. some other things in my life. & some just because we're closing very quickly on my birthday. & that gives me more ammunition for deep thought than the turn of the year.

i hate giving teasers, but i will be blogging more in upcoming days. my recovery has been very rough. which has kept me away from writing. just because sometimes there's too much to think about typing up. yesterday i got some potentially not great news, i'm still processing it. but, on the upside, i'm writing again. which is always a good thing. especially for someone like me who puts their whole self into almost everything they do. i'm getting sleepy & feel as if i'm not making much sense anymore. so i'm going to log off & sleep. so i can work in the AM & blog in the evening.

thought of the week: march 24th-30th

i've lost count of the times i given up on you, but you make such a beautiful wreck, you do, there's a tavern on the corner called the milky way, and you look so at home there it makes me afraid

~shawn mullins, beautiful wreck

for once i'm not blogging about myself. i heard this song about a month ago & it reminded me of a friend of mine, B, & i had made a mental note to do a blog, then i spaced it, forgot, heard the song again yesterday & this time made a physical note instead of just a mental one (my memory has been spotty at best lately). sometimes a song, or part of a song, or something will just tug at my heart & this one does, especially when i think of B.

he's someone that i've known for sometime. we've been in & out of each others lives for a few years, & there is something about him that just makes me want to cry sometimes. he's got a sadness behind his eyes, even on the rare occasions that he smiles that sadness is still there. i know that i have a tendency to attract people that "fixer-uppers" because there's something about me that i attract people that need a nurturer in their lives.

but maybe why i keep B as a friend is because he doesn't take advantage of that. & while i do try to help people & have tried to fix people in the past, somehow i've never tried to fix him. & that seems odd to me. but in a good way i think. all i've ever been is his friend. no judgements, no questions, just his friend. & sometimes all anyone needs is a friend.

the past couple years things have been rough for me, not gonna lie about that. & i know B's had a rough time of it too. we've both been kinda wrapped up in our own personal demons & struggles. i think i'm finally coming out on the other side, but i know he's still stuck in a pretty dark unhappy place. & i don't know how to help. & it's so fucking hard. i love him. not in love with him, but i love him & i can't help & it hurts.

thought of the week: march 16th-23rd

i'm a new soul i came to this strange world hoping i could learn a bit about how to give and take.
but since i came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

~yael naim, new soul

so good news & bad news. i'll start with the bad news: last night my ibook g4 decided it had finally had enough of me & broke up with me by giving me the finger & deciding to have a major hardware issue. i took it in to the apple store, they looked at it, said it was hardware, & said it'd be at least $400 to fix it, maybe more depending on what has to be done. so $400 or more to fix a computer that is 3 1/2 years old. hrm. yeah. not such a fabulous thing. i did some thinking. called my mom. whined for a while. & came to the decision that it was time to get a new lappy. it's about a year ahead of schedule, but being in school & still trying to finish thesis & all that i am one of those people that really does NEED their own computer.

since i first saw the guided tour i've been lusting after the macbook air. but i figured it'd be something i'd look at getting next year because i didn't need a new computer. but with my old one breaking up with me i really did need a new one. i knew i would be getting another mac because pcs & i don't get along, at all. i looked very briefly at the regular macbook, but then i quickly moved on to comparing the macbook air & the macbook pro. i finally decided on the macbook air with the solid state drive. definitely more money than i really was planning on spending now. but, once again, after talking with my mom, i decided i may as well get what i really want right now instead of settling for something else & then not being happy with my purchase. a new computer is a lot to spend in one place for something you're not wholly in love with.

i also got the external optical drive because my new baby is my main computer. the macbook air is simply frickin awesome & i love my new baby boy. we're still getting a bit used to each other. & i am still semi in mourning over the early demise of my other mac lappy. it's the first mac that i've ever had a huge problem with, so i'm kind of unsure how to take all of this. *sighs* oh well, i took that lappy coast to coast, everywhere in the twin cities, and put lots of time on it. it was a very well loved, cherished, & tenderly abused computer. we had a good run. & luckily the geniuses at the apple store are going to be able to transfer all of my documents & stuff from that computer to this one. YIPPEE! at least i didn't lose my work. i was a bad monkey & hadn't had everything backed up. *hangs my head in shame* i know. i should take a clue from writers before me who put their work in the freezer in case of fire. this time i'm going to take advantage of the online storage space i have thanks to my dot mac account & i may wind up getting an external hard drive too.

a closing thought: apple should totally pay me to be a spokes model. i'm a mac girl through & through. i have an ipod, iphone, & macbook air. . . i think i bleed apple.

thought of the week: march 2nd-8th (late entry)

and all along, i should've known this wasn't your dream, it was mine, i know you wanted me to give up this life to be, everything i was back when you had the hands my heart was in

yellowcard, firewater, punk goes acoustic

this really will circle around, but it's going to take a bit to get there. last wednesday my mom played hooky from work & the two of us went to the barnes & noble in maplewood, bought some books & hung out in the starbuck's there sipping coffee & chatting. first off i'd like to say my mom & i had a really nice heart-to-heart. she's still not on board with me having gotten gastric bypass, but she will eventually get over it. while we were sitting there i asked her if she had heard about what dad did after TSSOB* & i had broken up. she had no clue what i was talking about so i told her what i had just found out in february when my dad helped me move into my new place.

for whatever reason my dad started telling my cousin all about the fiasco that was that relationship. & i'll be honest i was barely paying attention just because sometimes my family, while seeming to be well meaning will bring up my past mistakes in a way that reminds me of rubbing a puppy's nose in his misplaced piddle. so i was pretty much ignoring him, only half listening when he said something that was news to me.

my dad then says that after i had broken up with TSSOB he kept calling my parents' house asking for me & by some incredible stroke of fate he kept getting my dad. & my dad basically ran interference on my behalf. he told the guy i was at school, at work, out with friends, out on a date, just whatever he felt like saying. & then my dad goes on to say that at one point TSSOB breaks down & starts crying while on the phone with my dad, saying that he made a huge mistake by letting me go & that he loved me & that he needed me back in his life. my dad told him to get over me because i'd gotten over him. according to my dad this went on for months. in this time i had seen TSSOB's phone number come up on my cell phone, but i never answered when i saw him calling because i didn't want to deal with him.

by the time i finally answered one of his calls it was august of 2004, almost a year since my nephew died, almost a year since those silent days in connecticut with my sister, almost a year since i broke up with TSSOB, & almost a year since i had taken my life back. i was in california leaving an office max after picking up some supplies for my poetry book to give away at burning man driving my rental car, a silver ford focus. & i answered the phone annoyed that he was intruding on my california oasis. annoyed that he still hadn't mailed my stuff back to me (of course, now it makes sense why he didn't). & just generally annoyed at his sudden appearance into my life. & i let him know it. i don't recall much of what i said, but i do remember it was the verbal version of a bitch slap.

if i would have found out that my dad had been lying to this guy & basically being my goalie for close to a year any earlier i'm honestly not sure how i would've reacted. but by now i've gotten enough time & distance that i see it as so sweet that he continually did that for me & never once told anyone in my family about it. sometimes it's nice being a daddy's girl.

as for the boy. it was mismatched from the beginning but neither of us had the experience to be able to tell it any sooner. as much as i'd try to tell myself i'd be fine with small town life in the south i really wouldn't have been. i would have been miserable. & while he thought i was what he wanted, i really wasn't. now that i'm being honest & true with myself i am probably opposite of what he would have wanted. i'm a city girl. i love my tattoos, my piercings, the look of downtown st.paul lit up for the holidays, the convenience of living in the city, & the pulse that the city has that is lacking in small town america. or, lacking for me at least. we both really did want the other to be what we thought they were, or pretended to be, but not the truth.

in the end, what woke us both up was my writing. he told me to give it up & i realized it was the one thing that i never could give up. & i'm so thankful that i have my writing in my life. maybe i'm not always as productive with it as i'd like, & maybe i write a lot of tripe, but it's my tripe, it's my lifeline. & it's the essence of who i am.

now the million dollar question: do i miss the boy? not in the slightest. i write about this with a studied indifference. i've had the time & distance & healing i need to keep me from any strong emotions at all where he is concerned. i will say if he suddenly popped into my life again i would have some strong emotions & strong words for him & possibly even a well aimed punch, but that's only because i've permanently closed that chapter of my life & never want it reopened again.

*the southern son of a bitch

thought of the week: march 9-15th

it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then i kick the living shit out of me

lit, my own worst enemy

sometimes i am my own worst enemy, i know that. & it's been pretty true in the past, but it's also something that i've worked hard to rectify in recent years. i know i'm kind of a weird girl in that i have been able to have physical relationships with guy friends & remain friends. not like i make a habit of sleeping with my friends, i'm really making myself sound worse than i am, but it's something that i've done in the past. i guess i always took a different view on it & i saw it as a good thing that after the physical relationship was done i was able to remain friends with my former lovers. i've always said that i'm unlike most girls out there. & i'm now starting to believe that i'm really unlike most people in general.

last night i got into a pretty heated argument with a guy because he has issues with the fact that i am still friends with former lovers & that there has been one that i've been with somewhat recently. my friend/former lover & i both know there is no chance of a relationship between us ever & we're both ok with that. we have a really awesome friendship. we can hang out & not be physical, but when we are it's satisfying for both of us & there's not guilt or complications or issues. so this guy i was talking to on the phone last night, we've been out a couple times & he basically told me that if there is a chance for a relationship between us that i would need to agree to never be alone or go out with my male friends that i've slept with. as in i couldn't even go to perkins for coffee. i retorted by saying no one will ever tell me who i can & can't be friends with.

i can understand a guy not wanting me to go hot tubbing with a former lover, or go away for a snowboarding weekend, or go to vegas, but perkins for coffee? the more i think about it the madder it makes me. seriously furious gang. when i am in a relationship with someone i am the most loyal person ever, more loyal than a german shepherd. right now i'm not in a relationship with anyone so the only person i really owe my loyalty to is myself.

after the phone argument i talked with a few of my friends about all of this & my friends consensus was basically: fuck him. if you're not even dating him exclusively & he's already trying to put limitations on your life & control you this will be a bad thing. now that's a composite of what i heard from a couple different friends, & some had a more eloquent way of saying it, but that was the basic sentiment. & it's not like i want to keep any kind of physical relationship with my friends when i'm dating someone, but i want to still be friends. in the past when i've ignored my friends relationship advice i've been burned. think i'm going to listen this time.

as for the quote, it had been suggested to me that maybe i'm being a bit self destructive. i don't think i'm being self destructive by remaining friends with former lovers. but since my surgery i haven't taken the best care of myself. i need to force myself to drink more water, make sure i'm having three meals a day, getting in all my vitamins, & getting enough sleep. i also have a long history of trying to do too much at once & stretching myself too thin. in that way i really am my own worst enemy. but i'm working on a truce.

thought of the week: february 17th-23rd

i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees, when you hurt, when you suffer, i'm your angel undercover, i've been numb, i'm revived, can't say i'm not alive, you know i wouldn't want it any other way

~meredith brooks, bitch

truer words have never been spoken about me. actually, for anyone who hasn't heard this song, the song in its entirety is very much a good explanation of me & my personality. there were actually several parts of this song that i almost pulled out to post, but i love these particular lines the most.

one of my favorite explanations is that i really AM a quintessential gemini. so i am a contradiction at times. i am a raging extrovert who is always flitting about work & talking to everyone & trying to get to know everyone. but sometimes i want nothing more than to tuck in on the couch at my apartment & curl up with my remote & just tell the world to fuck off for a while. i have a lot of confidence & i think very highly of myself, but not to the point that i can't see past the end of my nose. i always try to be VERY aware of my friends, their lives, & how they are doing & i'm always asking what i can do to help them.

i've had a lot of people telling me i'm going to change a lot now that i've had surgery. & i understand that there will be lots of things to change. the first of course being my physical body. but i've also been told that i most likely will have subtle changes to my personality. & i'm a bit afraid of that because i like who i am. i really don't want my personality to change at all. i like the fact that i have ego for three people, but also a deep compassion for others. i like being whimsical, as tina calls me. i like all my little ticks & habits & idiosyncrasies that make up me as a person. yeah, some people are probably annoyed by some of them (like the fact that i'm a blog whore & pimp by blog to all my friends) but i'm also ok with the fact that there are things about me that other people don't love whole heartedly. the world would be a very boring place if everyone loved 100% of everything about everyone they knew.

so here's praying that my personality doesn't change much. cause i like me. hell, i love me. that & the ghetto boo-tay. the votes are half & half on my butt. half say i'll lose it completely & half say the ass is genetic & it'll just get smaller. i'm hoping i keep my curvacious ass in a smaller size. hell, even white boys gotta shout on that one *winks*

thought of the week: february 10th-16th

this time i think i'm to blame, it's harder to get through the days, we get older and blame turns to shame, 'cause everything inside it never comes out right
~buckcherry, sorry

so, welcome to one of my new ringtones. i created it sunday night before my surgery. i heard the song exactly once on the radio, fell in love with it, & hunted it down on itunes. right now it's my default, so if you aren't lucky enough to be assigned a ringtone, it's what my phone will play when you call me *grins*

all last week when the liquid diet was getting tough. & this week through the pain & the nausea & the fear i never took it out, even once, on another person. the only time i even raised my voice was last week when my mom picked a fight with me. i just kept telling myself "this is my choice, my own decision made of free will." yeah, not much of a consolation when my cube smelled like bbq-ed meat for a whole day. or chinese food another. or the food network was like porn all weekend.

the days before my surgery were hard to get through. not just because i wasn't eating, but because my nerves were getting to me. & i felt like i had to be brave. especially with my mom, as we're walking into HCMC the morning of my surgery saying to my sister: "i really wish she wouldn't do this." i know. talk about a kick in the balls. she really does love me, so please don't hold any ill will towards her. but that kind of negativity is pretty fucking hard to deal with. especially in the off chance that there's something bad that happens.

& i've felt like no matter how much i say, i just can't make it come out right to those people who are/were doubting me. no matter what i say it's not the right thing, or said the right way. & i still come away sorta feeling like i'm in the wrong somehow. or like i'm committing some kind of felony against someone else. hard to describe exactly at this moment. i'd say blame it on the narcotics, but they didn't give me that many, so right now i'm just trying to make them last the weekend. so, uh, let's blame it on the pain?

thought of the week: february 3rd-9th (late edition)

~i actually started this a while ago, during the above titled week, but i haven't had a chance to finish it until now~

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
~red hot chili peppers, scar tisssue

this song has been running through my head a lot lately. & i don't know if it's because the closer i get to surgery the more i need to defend myself. or, the more i feel i need to defend myself. some of the people who i had hoped would not question me are continuing to fight me every step of the way, one of them being my mom. i'll be honest, the thing with my mom hurts the worst. she actually picked a fight with me on the evening of the 5th when i stopped by my parents house. i hadn't eaten solid food for two days & she was telling me she thinks i'm making a mistake. & my mom is one of the people who's seen the most of how much my weight problem has effected me.

this has been the hardest decision that i've ever made & i really just wish that i could open my memories & my heart & thrust people into my body, myself, my mind & emotions at those times. i wish i could make them feel everything i've gone through over the past 23 years of being obese. i want them to feel the cuts. all the things over the years that have compounded one of top of another that helped me come to the point where i decided surgery was the path i needed to take.

i made this decision for my health. will i lie & say that i haven't thought of some of the vanity advantages? no, i won't be a hypocrite. it will be nice to wear smaller clothes. to not always be the fattest girl, well, anywhere i go. it's going to be nice to have other people see the bright, vibrant, intelligent, funny, sweet person that i am & not be looked over because i'm pudgy. but i made this decision because i want to be healthy. i don't want to have to be on a c-pap machine because i stop breathing when i sleep. or on dozens of medications to treat different medical conditions that have arisen. i want to have kids in the semi near future & i want to be an active parent. i want to run around with my kids. take them hiking, snow tubing, swimming, biking, roller blading. . .all those things that are good for kids.

i want to be a good example to my kids, to my nephews & nieces. will i lie about my surgery? no, i won't. haven't figured out how i'm going to explain it to the little ones who are in my life now, but i'll figure it out along the way. the biggest thing is that i'm going through this pain now to have a better life later on.

as for the scars from the past. i'm sure they'll fade, a bit, with time. but they run very deep, too deep for me to ever forget them completely. & i don't want to forget them. because even though they stung, & still sting if i think too hard on them, they've brought me to who i am today.

i'd started this blog with the intention of sharing some of those scars, the things that have cut me over the years, but now, as i get into this, i'm not sure that i can. it's not that i don't want to share. it's that i don't know how. & what would be the point of doing so at this time? i'm not asking for pity. & i'm semi afraid that would be the response that i would get. so maybe, for now, we'll leave those scars where they are, healing.

thought of the week: january 27th-february 2nd

i can’t stand to fly, i'm not that naive, i’m just out to find, the better part of me/i’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane, i'm more than some pretty face beside a train, it’s not easy to be me.
~five for fighting, superman

this song haunts me & gives me hope for the future at the same time. the melody is soft, sad, soulful. but it's also realistic while being optimistic at the same time. & that's the part that i really love about it. i heard this the other day when i was driving, um, somewhere, & it occurred to me that this really sums up the way i'm feeling right now.

it's been tough lately. & i don't know how much of it is because i'm a little over sensitive/over emotional lately, or if it's because some people really have been less than supportive lately.
my grandmother (who, since i was 7 has told me i'm too big & i need to lose weight) is adamantly against the surgery & i wound up having to essentially tell her, in a nice way, to shut up because she wasn't going to change my mind. i don't like having to fight with my family & friends.

the thing that i find interesting, if i look at this clinically, is how personally other people are taking my decision to have surgery. i have some people that have acted like my decision is a personal affront against them. like i'm trying to hurt them, or abandon them, or make them look bad, or. . . i don't even know what. which is kind of a really odd thing, in my opinion, because i'm doing this for me because i want to have a long healthy life. it has nothing to do with anyone else at all.

& i'm really just trying to get a better life for myself. i want to be healthy. & right now, except for being, oh, around 100 lbs + overweight, i'm very healthy. & one day i'll probably have demon spawn, i mean, children, & i really don't want to be that mom that tells her kids to go outside & play on their own because i don't have the energy to be active with them.

i do know that getting surgery isn't a "magic pill." it's also not the easy way out. it's the toughest thing that i've done so far, & i'm not even at the surgery part. i'm sure there are going to be plenty of times that i'm pissy & cranky because i hurt or something else. but i need to just remember why i'm doing all of this.

thought of the week: january 20th-26th

*note: this blog was originally accidentally posted under the title: "thought of the weeek: january 27th-february 2nd"*

she gotta pack much back, so, fellas! (yeah!) fellas! (yeah!), has your girlfriend got the butt? (hell yeah!), tell 'em to shake it! (shake it!) shake it! (shake it!), shake that healthy butt!, baby got back!
~sir mix-a-lot, baby got back

ok, before i lose you all, i know sir mix-a-lot isn't on the top of anyone's thought provoking lyricists list, at least, he's not on the top of mine. but i've been thinking a lot about my body & how it will be changing & i've always had a thing for this song. actually, one of my friends in cali sings this at karaoke & i serve as one of his back up dancers when i'm out there.

now, for people who haven't seen me live & in person, i happen to be one of those white girls blessed with a ghetto booty. or rather, a ghe-tto booh-tay. when i was young, like a teenager i really kind of hated it. then again, i was pretty big & not happy in general with my body. but i've grown to really love the fact that i've got an ass. & a really nice one at that. my butt is made just perfect to fill out a pair of apple bottom jeans.

which got me wondering how my surgery will effect my butt. i know i'll get smaller all over, which is good cause if the rest of me got smaller & my ass stayed THE EXACT SAME i would look pretty frickin weird. but will i still have a nice, thought smaller version, of my ghetto booh-tay? i have to say, i really hope my ass still looks phenomenal in a pair of apple bottoms, because i will be still buying them. they are really nice jeans. i am guessing that because i already have the right body type to support a ghetto booty that i'll keep that post surgery.

maybe i should do some before & after ass shots to post on my blog. hmmm...maybe not. i'll have to think on that one.

thought of the week: january 13-19th

it just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright, alright. ~jimmy eat world, the middle, bleed american

yes, i know, i've got a thing for jimmy eat world. i admit it. but they really are a fabulous band with just simply amazing lyrics. if you have not heard at least one of their albums i implore you to correct that over sight immediately. yes, i mean immediately. go to best buy, circuit city, cd warehouse, or cheapo, or any place that sells music & pick up something. i actually recommend the album clarity, it's the one jenn gave me for my birthday & it still makes me think every time that i hear it, just really flips my world. . . but i haven't found anything of theirs that i don't like. so go. shoo. get some jimmy. right now.

now that we all have jimmy. . .on with the blog. . .

this is a jimmy song that i actually fell in love with when i first heard it several years ago, but it's only been in the past couple weeks that i actually recalled that i've heard it before. & it's also been within the past couple weeks that i've become obsessed with it. the tempo is really upbeat, but it's listening to the lyrics that's the best part of it.

right now i've been struggling a bit with the overwhelming urge to scream at times. things at work have been pretty hectic because it's january. which, for anyone who doesn't work in the health insurance industry means: hella crazy busy! basically a bunch of people freak out as of the turn of the year about their new health insurance. & the most frustrating part is a lot of them signed up for the plans based on the cost per paycheck & not really actually paying attention to the plan they're signing up for. then with the bull shit at my apartment & having to find a new place , & then the surgery coming up basically right after i move into my new apartment. . . . .it's a lot to take in at one time & a short period of time.

& it's not like i'm really stressed out or depressed or anything. sometimes lately i just want to scream cause i think it may help. like if i could just go somewhere, yell really loudly, it may make the world slow down for a minute. & i do have a lot to be concerned about, but i'm doing my best not to worry, because that does absolutely no good for anyone. for my surgery i picked a wonderful doctor & a really respected hospital. as for my living situation i've found a new place, i'll be moving out of my current one in two weeks, so it's now just a matter of time passing & getting the keys to my new place. so nothing to really worry about there either.

so they lyrics are really right. i'm right in the middle of this whole crazy ride, too far in to go back, but not yet at the end. but i'll be all right in the end. & it's really helping with the surgery thing that i have so much support from my friends & my family. actually that is really helping with the move too. i have some volunteers all ready to brave the hell that is moving in the middle of winter because they love me so much. or they're looking forward to the lunch afterwards. or maybe they're just doing it so later, one day, when they come to me for a favor i will be unable too refuse.

thought of the week: december 30th, 2007-january 5th, 2008

i'll say it straight and plain, i know i've made mistakes, i've always been afraid, i've always been afraid . . . can you tell me, you say that love goes anywhere, in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
~jimmy eat world, polaris, futures

so, if you look up the whole set of lyrics, this is a kind of sad song, but there is something beautiful & poignant. & i've been listening to it repeatedly over the last few days or so, & so what better lyrics to end one year & begin the next?

& it's true. i've made lots of mistakes. & i have been afraid, of SO fucking many things, it's semi pathetic when i think back. BUT here's the pay off gang: my past doesn't predict my future. & i'm not afraid anymore. isn't that grand?

& i know that i'm loved. i'm cherished. that there are at least four people on earth who would literally give their lives for mine because they love me that much. & ya know what, that is a pretty fucking cool place to be.

it can be hard in those super dark times to always remember that kind of love is there. but, i'm very fortunate in that i have family that loves me deeply. but even more fortunate that i have friends that feel the same way. i take it for granted that everyone has that kind of love & support in their lives. & i'm trying very hard not to take it for granted anymore.

so i've made my mistakes. & i'll make more. because that's the way this game is played. it's how you learn the rules & how you get better. but i'm not afraid anymore. & that's the best part.

so happy new year everyone. stay safe. be as good (or as bad) as you want.

much affection, beckah

thought of the week december 9-15th

~note: this blog was originally started on december 14th, 2007~

oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can I sail through the changing ocean tides can I handle the seasons of my life? mmm mmm I don’t know, mmm mmm. . . but time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too ~ stevie nicks landslide

this song has had a special place in my heart for oh, four years now? i went to a dixie chicks concert with tina in the summer of 2003, i want to say it was june, but i can't recall off hand. i just know that it was summer. & i think it was before my nephew was born. which would be june or early july. not like the exact month makes much difference. so it was at the concert that i realized that i was not at all at a good place in my life. i was still seeing TSSOB at the time, & i was not happy in the relationship or doing what i wanted to do with my life.

all of this hit me suddenly while at the concert during the dixie chicks rendition of "landslide." it's also been a song that i turn to time after time when i need a soundtrack to think. something to help me focus as my thoughts swirl around me like a F5 tornado. this song is the thing that helps ground me & gives me something to hold onto.

so this song has come up again recently for me. i've been listening to it, the smashing pumpkins version mostly, & once again it helps me think. i'm not even sure where i'm going with this, except that once again i'm finding myself in that place of flux.

i'm also finding that life is very cyclical. i've recently started hanging out again with people that i first met back in 2004. not that i haven't had any contact with them since then, but we're just talking more now than we have since we first met. it's also sort of weird because of the changes that have happened in the past three years. so i'm finding myself in a similar place to where i was three years ago, but it's like i'm there with a better map of my surroundings.

thought of the week: october 14-20 (late entry)

i've been away for so long (so long), i let you go for so long, it's a nice day to start again (come on), it's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again, (pick it up), take me back home, there is nothin' fair in this world, there is nothin' safe in this world, and there is nothin' sure in this world, and there is nothin' pure in this world, look for something left in this world, start again, come on

billy idol, white wedding

so, my older sister paulette got married on saturday october 20th in litchfield, connecticut. i was there along with my parents. some of paulette's family from her mother's side was there also, two of her aunts, two of her uncles, & her cousin. (for those not up to date on the beckah geneology, paulette has a different mom than i do, she's my dad's youngest daughter from his first marriage). it was a really beautiful wedding at a gorgeous location with lots of great food, free wine tastings, & lots of swag. you have to love east coast weddings.

i picked this quote for two reasons: the first being that paulette's older sister used to tell her that she always thought of paulette when she heard this song (they really WERE children of the 80's, paulette 7 years older than me & her sister 9 years older). the second reason is that when reading the lyrics they seemed oddly appropriate. & here are the reasons why, lyric line by lyric line:

~i've been away for so long (so long)

true story. when i pulled into paulette's driveway on wednesday the 17th it had been over four years since i'd seen her. the last time i had been out east to see her was right after her son died (the one who inspired my dragonfly tattoo)

~i let you go for so long

once again. true story. non fiction. i had let go of her. i was too wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, &, in a way, i feel guilty because i wonder if i did abandon her when she needed me the most. it's not like i came back to mn in the fall of 2003 & never called her again, cause i did call her. but while i was dealing with breaking up with TSSOB, redefining my life & bridesmaid-ing for tina, paulette was left with an empty house & her own SOB (logan's daddy was not nice). & eventually, over the months, she moved & i couldn't find her. i had to wait for her to get in touch with me. we actually didn't talk for probably well over a year, almost two years actually. & that makes me sad. really frickin sad. i missed her.

~it's a nice day to start again

& once again: true true story. it was a gorgeous day in connecticut on satruday the 20th. it started off a wee bit over cast, a little gloomy, but that didn't last long. she had an evening wedding & by the time it was time for her to leave the house the weather was perfect. gorgeous fall colors everywhere we looked. the sky was clear with just a few poofy little clouds. & on the way to the vineyard for the wedding i actually saw a rainbow. & not just a faint section, but we could see the whole rainbow over litchfield. wicked cool.

~take me back home
now, i'm not delusional, & i know paulette will never move back home to minnesota, but there's something about seeing her again that feels like home. i won't pretend that she & i were extremely close when i was growing up, 'cause we weren't. she is 7 years older than me, which can be a big age difference when it's 7 and 14. there were other mitigating circumstances too. but the point is, going to see her, be there for her wedding, it's taking me back to an emotional home, that i've really missed.

~there is nothin' sure in this world, there is nothin' pure in this world
ok, pessimistic view, thanks billy, but it's also kind of true. there isn't really much that you can count on besides yourself. friends & family will, usually if they're worth a damn, will do their best to do right by you, i mean, they won't deliberately screw you, once again, if they're worth anything as friends/family. now this has less to do with paulette & her wedding & more to do with me in general in my life. & i'm sure i'll go into this more in an upcoming post: but people in general can be major asses. & i've recently learned the hard way to keep more to myself & to not trust people further than i can throw them. & i can't throw most mother fuckers very far.

~look for something left in this world, start again
& this is what i'm trying to do. i think it's what we're all trying to do in a way. & there's not really much more i want to say at this point about this.

so, we'll call this done.

thought of the week: october 28-november 3

and i say oh...seems like i'm always on my own, seems like i'm never coming home, seems like i'm always on my...ohhhhhhh, all the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...
~augustana, stars and boulevards, all the stars and boulevards

there are some days that end & i think to myself, that i really wish i could get a do over because i feel that i didn't do myself right by the end of it. today, is one of those days. ok, well, maybe not TECHNICALLY today, cause it's technically 4am on sunday & i haven't really done enough to royally fuck up the day.

but saturday. for saturday i wish i could have a do over.

not that anything significant really happened: good or bad. but i just got home & realized that when all was said & done, the checks measured against the balances, everything weighed out & measured: i really did myself a disservice. the exact details are not even really that important, so i won't even mention them, but the general tone & over arching path of the night are what is the important part. & what happened was, once again, in the end i acquiesced to someone else's wishes & gave up too easily on what i wanted to do, what was the best for me.

like i said previously, nothing bad happened, nothing good either. but i don't feel good about the path of the events of my night. i allowed myself to be persuaded from my plans to do something that, in the end, was not nearly as enjoyable or satisfying, to my mind, as what i could have been doing. of course, i can't say for certain that things would have been better had i stuck to my original plans, but i do feel i wouldn't have this feeling of discontent with myself.

how does augustana & the above lyrics fit in? there are a couple of ways the lyrics fit into this rambling rant. for one, the first actually, is that i was sitting curled up in bed with my lappy & that song was playing on my ipod. & i caught those lyrics as i was listening to my ipod & the tone of the song & the lyrics peaked my attention & i realized the song is doing a great job of mimicking my emotional & mental state right now.

i just suddenly realized how disappointed i am for not following through on my original plan, what i wanted to do, & letting myself be taken along on this ride. & i also realized for me, it's not just the big battles, but the everyday small ones that actually seem to matter the most. & it's those small little issues daily, or every other day, or how ever often they happen, that are the things that will shape the arch of my life the most.

jenn was right when she texted me earlier: i was "not happy" tonight. it's not that i was sad per se, or depressed, or even upset; but i was not happy either. i was at that point where i was not happy, but not really anything else either. a sort of emotional limbo zone. partly because there was something in my brain that knew i would not be ok by the end of the night if i continued on with the way things were, but the feeling wasn't well formed enough for me to vocalize it to jenn, much less to my self.

it's the small things i need to stand up for.

getting glimpses of my home, but i just can't quite get there. it's like which brings me to the second reason for the lyric choice for today's writing. coming home is not just a physical place. it's a mental & emotional state of being. & lately i do feel that i'm on a track & i roll through my home town, but something keeps preventing me from getting off the train, so i see home, i'm there for a moment, & then i'm rolling through it, away from it, having to wait to circle around again to try to hop off the train & finally go home for good.

i guess that's progress, a bit anyway, to start to identify my problem. according to AA, (from what i've been told anyway, i'm not actually in AA), the first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one. this is nothing new either. just different packaging on the same thoughts. except, previously the lament had been mn beckah vs cali beckah, so in a way it's much simpler now. as sinead put it in her comments to me on a previous blog: i've always been both of those people, they're the same person, just different facets, & i'm both all the time always. which means, even while i'm not being true to myself, on nights like tonight, i still have that stubborn girl inside me who is standing with her feet planted, eyes steady & serious, saying: NO, i will do what i want, i will do what's best for me, & you can fuck off if you try to interfere.

this is NOT to say that i am opposed to compromise, because i'm not in anyway opposed to a little give & take. when it's appropriate for the situation. but i can't always be the one to give on what i want. if i am always going to bend the most on my opinions, feelings, plans, everything, then i may have well stayed with TSSOB & i know that's not a place that i would have been ok. i'm smart enough that usually i can tell what issues are worth dying for (to quote my mother).

each day is a new chance to turn it all around again, right? right. so i'm going to bed now, for a while. then, when i wake up. it's my new chance, once again. & i'll keep reminding myself, through every action of my day, that i need to be good to myself & put myself first. because, gods know, if i don't put myself first, no one else is going to. just the rules of the game, fats. & ya can't win the game if ya don't know the rules of the game.

thought of the week: october 7-13

hey now now, don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
~counting crows, big yellow taxi

i heard this song this morning & i've always loved it, even though it's kind of sad, despite the upbeat tempo. for all of you that have heard it before i'm pretty sure you're humming it now, right? i'm right, aren't i?



the reason i've picked this song is that while it's not outwardly deep, ie jimmy eat world or some of the other lyrics i've been posting recently, it does make me think, which is always a good thing. & this is something that seems to be fairly prevalent at times, taking away the beautiful & replacing it with something more utilitarian, more ugly, with a whole lot less soul. near my parents' house recently several wooded areas have been bulldozed & replaced with town homes stacked upon each other. changing the face of st. paul, one block at a time from a city full of neighborhoods to house upon house upon house with no green space.


it's not that i'm against progress, because, really i'm not. but sometimes we each need to identify the things in our lives that speak the truest to us, the most beautiful, the most sacred, the things that we are absolutely unwilling to part with at any cost. & when we find those, we need to shield them, shelter them, protect them at any cost. & that's where i find myself at this exact moment.


i'm back in class right now. my very LAST in classroom class for my master's degree. i know i've thought that before, probably even said it, but this really is it. after this i won't take another one. this is the do or die moment for me. i'm taking a class called writing the suspenseful novel. by the time the class ends in december i will have made a decision. i will either a: give up the idea of doing two thesi* (one in poetry & one in fiction) & come to terms with the fact that i am not superwoman & settle for an mfa with just a poetry book or b: i'll have enough progress done on my novel to finish it up & go ahead with the insane plan on writing & defending two thesi. i've been told by plenty of people, miss sinead the loudest (with lots of love of course) to quit messing around & finish the damn degree already. & i really want to. finally. i'm ready to be done with school.


but, this isn't about school. it isn't even about being in a holding pattern. it's about me. beckah. beckah the good little worker in her cube. beckah the writer. beckah the sister. beckah the daughter. beckah the friend. beckah the lover. & how do i combine all of these into a person that i love completely every day? someone that i'm proud to be? not that i'm ashamed of who i am now, because i am not in anyway. i've done things that i would rather not have flashed across the front pages of the strib or the pioneer press, but everyone has those things in their past. anyone who doesn't is either very boring or a filthy liar.


what this is about is the fact that last night during class while listening to one of my classmates talk about working just part time & being mainly a full time student i wanted to cry. not just cry, but sob. that deep down cry that settles so deep in your chest it feels like it will never be gone. the kind of cry that leaves a wound in the center of your chest on your sternum. the kind of cry that lingers because even when the tears are gone, the hurt is far from being gone & you're left with an ache & a longing & a pain so deep it defies definition. that's how i felt.

cause.

cause.

i miss it so so bad. at that moment, listening too my classmate talk about waking up at noon and still getting to write for four or more hours before class i was so envious for a moment. not the deep seated dangerous green jealousy that come from money, power, or lust. but the envy of the freedom of that life style. the passion & the dedication. the drive & desire. the fact that somehow i've lost that in my life. i'm trying to remember when the last time was that i really made my writing a priority. & there's moments when i wonder, have i traded all that in for someone else's dream? i never strove to be white collar, that was my sister. how have i found myself at this point?

yes. yes. yes. yes. i know. same self centered self-pitying line of the past. except. maybe not. because, i was so happy to feel that ache. it meant that i still really care. & that is priceless. because if i didn't hurt it would mean that i don't care that i'm not writing. that it doesn't matter if i have writing as a priority in my life. that really would have been the worst part of it all. if i had listened to my classmates talk about their several hours of writing that they do each day & it was no more than mild interest to me. then i would have had a problem. but, since i got so upset it's actually a very good sign for me.

i met with deborah, my advisor today. & we're putting in a plan of action. i'm going to graduate in 2008. planning on defending my thesis in december of 2008. & then i'll walk in may of 2009. & so i'm trying to get myself back to that obsessive girl that didn't go anywhere without her notebook & pen. the one who sneaked in writing time where ever she went. the girl that lived, breathed, & died by the written word, at all times. that's the beckah that i miss so much. & that's the one who can be everything else: sister, daughter, friend, lover.



*i do realize thesi is not a word, but i like it better than thesises which is a real word

thought of the week: september 30-october 6

you think for too long and then your chance is gone, the choice we're meant to make, is one we'll never take,

~jimmy eat world, jen lyrics

is there a time limit on a dream? on a wish? can years of inaction make any future action impossible? not that i'm in a dark place thinking that my time has passed me by, but these lyrics are somewhat haunting me none the less.

i've been resting on my laurels much too much lately. for instance, this is LAST WEEK'S thought of the week! & i'm just now getting it finished on october 9th! i've been in my master's program for six years come this february. i've been "working on losing weight" for, um, well, let's not talk about that one. my friend joey called me in june & i still haven't returned his call. just a lot of things that have been on my to-do list for far too long.

& it makes me wonder, what have i let slip through my fingers by my tendency towards inaction? or rather, delayed action? how has this impacted me? i don't know that i'll ever really know the true answer to that question. because you can imagine the road not taken, & postulate where those choices would have maybe led you, but there's no way to step out of this time that we're in & go live that parallel life. the one where i make decisions quickly & absolutely. where i'm a flutter of quick decisions & i don't look back on all the "maybe i should'ves" that are left behind me. & i don't think so long on something that my chance to make a choice is taken & i'm left with someone else's choice made for me.

so, here's to being decisive. to being on top of things. to not letting my to-do list pile up into an impossible task.

thought of the week: september 23-29

i see it around me, i see it in everything, i could be so much more than this, i said my goodbye's, this is my sundown, i'm gonna be so much more than this
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american

once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.

i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.

thought of the week: september 16-22

heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment .
~spill canvas, the tide, sunsets & car crashes

i think i've mentioned this recently in my blog, but spill canvas has become of my must listen to bands on a daily basis lately. they remind me quite a bit of jimmy eat world in the story telling nature of their songs & they also have a similar quality on their albums in a nice balance of rock & ballads. this song itself, the tide, is actually quite sad if you listen to it, but this little piece of it, is so beautiful & the words are so true that i just had to use it this week.

it's not as if i'm going to focus only on this moment in my life & not think towards my future because that is simply ludicrous, but i'm doing my very best to find the joy & beauty in every day, every moment if possible. & then when i find those moments of my day, my week, that make me feel that way, i'm going to try to make the most of them & to multiply them. it really is sometimes about those small things.

i've already starting identifying some of those things that make my senses hyper-aware. & one thing i've noticed is my workouts. which, incidently, i've been benched from for two weeks now. but i'm headed back to the Y tonight, lingering cough & all, just because i really miss it so badly. i may not be able to do very much tonight, but if i can even do just 20 minutes on the track i'll be one happy little camper. the upside is that, except for that small very annoying lingering cough, my bronchitis seems to have cleared up & i'm anticipating that by the time the weekend is over that my cough will be gone. i also really think getting back to the gym, getting back into my workout routine & reminding my body what it's like to have all those happy little endorphins swimming through my bloodstream will bring me back to that happy healthy place.

save the endorphins.

yes, cheesey, i know, but i couldn't resist. it's all those little endorphins rushing around that create that feeling of euphoria, that place in time where you really feel alive & zinging with energy that help keep your mind & body going (i'm sure that thrill junkies like skydivers & bungee cord jumpers can back me up on this one). i actually read somewhere that all of those little feel-good chemicals in your body really do help with mood, fighting depression, & even some illnesses. so everybody really should get behind the "save the endorphins" campaign, we'll make up t-shirts & buttons & have a fundraising dinner. i bet if we go green in the process we can get some hollywood celebs to make speeches & donate items for our silent auction.

it can be hard, when those blues set in to keep going out & finding those things that make you happy, alive & electric. but it's exactly those times when it's the most important to be dilligent in taking the best care of yourself as possible. so i'm going to the gym, curling up with a good book & cup of tea, playing with my puppy, & reconnecting with friends. so, those moments don't have to be huge earth shattering events, though they definitely can be.