obviously there's a lot going on in my life right now. there's been more flux & change in the last year than in a few of the previous years combined. not that i'm bitching by any means at all. & i DID tell miss jenn that 2007 was going to rock hard core. . . & it did with both of us being promoted & all the other cool things that happened, but i feel like that was just the start of many huge things to happen. & now it's barely into a new year & i'm moving & having surgery & planning to finish my master's degree & actually graduate. . . kinda thinking '08 is going to blow '07 to smithereens in the changes category.
within the next two weeks i'll be moving & having the surgery. which, i know is somewhat insane, even as i sit here typing it i kind of want to say "what the FUCK are you thinking, chica?!" not like i would expect a response or anything. but i also realized that my living situation really is very very unhealthy & it would not be a good place to recover from a major operation. & while i can stay at my parents' house recuperating as long as i want to/need to, i also wouldn't be at ease with doing that because i'd be worried what kind of situation i would face coming back to my apartment.
i'm actually very excited about my new place. it's very close to work. my own space. i can completely have it decorated how ever i want. & it will be clean. i like the clean part. A LOT. i have no clue how i'm going to get all this done in the next few days, but somehow i'll get it done, i always do. more to come later.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
a whole new world, er, wardrobe
i had the weirdest thought occur to me about a week ago. after the surgery i'll be losing weight pretty quickly, which means that i'm going to need to keep getting new clothes, just a piece as a time as needed until i level out. which is pretty much a "well d'uh" statement. & it really *IS* something that i had previously considered quite a bit (i'll get to the weird thought in a bit).
i've been going through my clothes & identifying the ones that are smaller, & of course the ones that are kinda tight & the ones that are just plain too small. taking a basic inventory. i have some gift cards for old navy that i plan on using to supplement my wardrobe as i need new items. i also figure with tshirts i can wear them for quite a while because they're a rather forgiving piece of clothing. so i'll need some new work clothes & then jeans. i'm guessing i'll also make great friends with the local good wills & consignment shops. & then i'll be passing on my clothes that are too big to someone else who could use them.
sounds like i have everything pretty much mapped out, eh? well i do now that i've had my weird thought. one thing i hadn't considered before was panties & bras. i'll definitely be in need of those post surgery. on occasion i've gone commando in the past, i mean, who hasn't? but the going braless thing, that's not something i'm too keen on. especially since one of my newest hobbies is running, it's just not an option.
now i'll be totally upfront & honest here, i really hope my tits don't get too much smaller. band size, sure, but cup size, oh god, please no. i like my boobies. they're not super huge, but they're quite lovely & i'm rather fond of them. they actually used to be quite a bit bigger when i was bigger (of course). totally unrelated to the underwear issue, but i am curious what my boobs will look like a year from now & i'm wondering if i'll want to get plastic surgery on them. only time will tell, eh?
so back to the panty issue. with jeans, skirts, shirts, & all of that i can always give away the clothes that are too big on me to a friend or family member in need. but you really can't give away underwear that's been worn, that's just on the nasty side of life. seriously. & even bras, you really can't just give those to someone. that's one of those things that you just want to buy brand new. seriously, who wants hand-me-down-panties? ew.
what will i do with these extra undergarments? it kinda seems like a waste to throw them out. but then again, they really aren't going to do me any good sitting in my closet. & i'm not going to hang onto my "fat panties" for posterity. i mean it's one thing to stand in one leg of a pair of jeans when you're skinny & it's another to pull out an old thong or bra & say: this used to fit me, let me show you how small i am now in comparison! i guess throwing them out kind of is my only option. unless i can get a creative suggestion for what to do with my soon to be cast aside bras & panties they'll be stuffed in a glad bag & thrown on the curb.
i've been going through my clothes & identifying the ones that are smaller, & of course the ones that are kinda tight & the ones that are just plain too small. taking a basic inventory. i have some gift cards for old navy that i plan on using to supplement my wardrobe as i need new items. i also figure with tshirts i can wear them for quite a while because they're a rather forgiving piece of clothing. so i'll need some new work clothes & then jeans. i'm guessing i'll also make great friends with the local good wills & consignment shops. & then i'll be passing on my clothes that are too big to someone else who could use them.
sounds like i have everything pretty much mapped out, eh? well i do now that i've had my weird thought. one thing i hadn't considered before was panties & bras. i'll definitely be in need of those post surgery. on occasion i've gone commando in the past, i mean, who hasn't? but the going braless thing, that's not something i'm too keen on. especially since one of my newest hobbies is running, it's just not an option.
now i'll be totally upfront & honest here, i really hope my tits don't get too much smaller. band size, sure, but cup size, oh god, please no. i like my boobies. they're not super huge, but they're quite lovely & i'm rather fond of them. they actually used to be quite a bit bigger when i was bigger (of course). totally unrelated to the underwear issue, but i am curious what my boobs will look like a year from now & i'm wondering if i'll want to get plastic surgery on them. only time will tell, eh?
so back to the panty issue. with jeans, skirts, shirts, & all of that i can always give away the clothes that are too big on me to a friend or family member in need. but you really can't give away underwear that's been worn, that's just on the nasty side of life. seriously. & even bras, you really can't just give those to someone. that's one of those things that you just want to buy brand new. seriously, who wants hand-me-down-panties? ew.
what will i do with these extra undergarments? it kinda seems like a waste to throw them out. but then again, they really aren't going to do me any good sitting in my closet. & i'm not going to hang onto my "fat panties" for posterity. i mean it's one thing to stand in one leg of a pair of jeans when you're skinny & it's another to pull out an old thong or bra & say: this used to fit me, let me show you how small i am now in comparison! i guess throwing them out kind of is my only option. unless i can get a creative suggestion for what to do with my soon to be cast aside bras & panties they'll be stuffed in a glad bag & thrown on the curb.
thought of the week: january 13-19th
it just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright, alright. ~jimmy eat world, the middle, bleed american
yes, i know, i've got a thing for jimmy eat world. i admit it. but they really are a fabulous band with just simply amazing lyrics. if you have not heard at least one of their albums i implore you to correct that over sight immediately. yes, i mean immediately. go to best buy, circuit city, cd warehouse, or cheapo, or any place that sells music & pick up something. i actually recommend the album clarity, it's the one jenn gave me for my birthday & it still makes me think every time that i hear it, just really flips my world. . . but i haven't found anything of theirs that i don't like. so go. shoo. get some jimmy. right now.
now that we all have jimmy. . .on with the blog. . .
this is a jimmy song that i actually fell in love with when i first heard it several years ago, but it's only been in the past couple weeks that i actually recalled that i've heard it before. & it's also been within the past couple weeks that i've become obsessed with it. the tempo is really upbeat, but it's listening to the lyrics that's the best part of it.
right now i've been struggling a bit with the overwhelming urge to scream at times. things at work have been pretty hectic because it's january. which, for anyone who doesn't work in the health insurance industry means: hella crazy busy! basically a bunch of people freak out as of the turn of the year about their new health insurance. & the most frustrating part is a lot of them signed up for the plans based on the cost per paycheck & not really actually paying attention to the plan they're signing up for. then with the bull shit at my apartment & having to find a new place , & then the surgery coming up basically right after i move into my new apartment. . . . .it's a lot to take in at one time & a short period of time.
& it's not like i'm really stressed out or depressed or anything. sometimes lately i just want to scream cause i think it may help. like if i could just go somewhere, yell really loudly, it may make the world slow down for a minute. & i do have a lot to be concerned about, but i'm doing my best not to worry, because that does absolutely no good for anyone. for my surgery i picked a wonderful doctor & a really respected hospital. as for my living situation i've found a new place, i'll be moving out of my current one in two weeks, so it's now just a matter of time passing & getting the keys to my new place. so nothing to really worry about there either.
so they lyrics are really right. i'm right in the middle of this whole crazy ride, too far in to go back, but not yet at the end. but i'll be all right in the end. & it's really helping with the surgery thing that i have so much support from my friends & my family. actually that is really helping with the move too. i have some volunteers all ready to brave the hell that is moving in the middle of winter because they love me so much. or they're looking forward to the lunch afterwards. or maybe they're just doing it so later, one day, when they come to me for a favor i will be unable too refuse.
yes, i know, i've got a thing for jimmy eat world. i admit it. but they really are a fabulous band with just simply amazing lyrics. if you have not heard at least one of their albums i implore you to correct that over sight immediately. yes, i mean immediately. go to best buy, circuit city, cd warehouse, or cheapo, or any place that sells music & pick up something. i actually recommend the album clarity, it's the one jenn gave me for my birthday & it still makes me think every time that i hear it, just really flips my world. . . but i haven't found anything of theirs that i don't like. so go. shoo. get some jimmy. right now.
now that we all have jimmy. . .on with the blog. . .
this is a jimmy song that i actually fell in love with when i first heard it several years ago, but it's only been in the past couple weeks that i actually recalled that i've heard it before. & it's also been within the past couple weeks that i've become obsessed with it. the tempo is really upbeat, but it's listening to the lyrics that's the best part of it.
right now i've been struggling a bit with the overwhelming urge to scream at times. things at work have been pretty hectic because it's january. which, for anyone who doesn't work in the health insurance industry means: hella crazy busy! basically a bunch of people freak out as of the turn of the year about their new health insurance. & the most frustrating part is a lot of them signed up for the plans based on the cost per paycheck & not really actually paying attention to the plan they're signing up for. then with the bull shit at my apartment & having to find a new place , & then the surgery coming up basically right after i move into my new apartment. . . . .it's a lot to take in at one time & a short period of time.
& it's not like i'm really stressed out or depressed or anything. sometimes lately i just want to scream cause i think it may help. like if i could just go somewhere, yell really loudly, it may make the world slow down for a minute. & i do have a lot to be concerned about, but i'm doing my best not to worry, because that does absolutely no good for anyone. for my surgery i picked a wonderful doctor & a really respected hospital. as for my living situation i've found a new place, i'll be moving out of my current one in two weeks, so it's now just a matter of time passing & getting the keys to my new place. so nothing to really worry about there either.
so they lyrics are really right. i'm right in the middle of this whole crazy ride, too far in to go back, but not yet at the end. but i'll be all right in the end. & it's really helping with the surgery thing that i have so much support from my friends & my family. actually that is really helping with the move too. i have some volunteers all ready to brave the hell that is moving in the middle of winter because they love me so much. or they're looking forward to the lunch afterwards. or maybe they're just doing it so later, one day, when they come to me for a favor i will be unable too refuse.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
well i'll be damn gobsmacked
yesterday i told my parents about my surgery. & that was the hardest part of this whole process. not because i'm scared of my parents, but because i was worried about how they would take the news. my parents are kind of "old school" people in that you don't have surgery unless it's absolutely necessary. as in your appendix is going to burst or you have pancreatitus & your gallbladder needs to come out or a tumor needs to be removed. that kind of thing. & when i was going through this process previously they were less than thrilled & considered the surgery a vanity thing & not necessary.
i told my mom in the morning before i went to work at the group home. i'll admit it, i cried a little when i told her. just because i was scared i was going to hurt her. & i try very hard not to ever intentionally inflict harm on someone i love (OK, i actually try never to inflict harm on anyone, even people i'm not so keen on). she was less than pleased when i told her, but her response really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. her exact words were, after a sigh of course:
"well, since you already have it scheduled i guess there's nothing i can do about it."
she also said she can't understand how any surgeon would be willing to do the operation on me & that she just doesn't think i'm that big. which i can see from her point of view since she's known me my whole life she remembers when i was 60 lbs bigger than i am now & a lot less physically fit.
but after a little bit, like ten to fifteen minutes of kinda processing it & thinking it over she went into MOM PLANNING MODE. she started asking me questions about the logistics of my surgery, asked to look at my info from HCMC, & then started planning. really hard core planning. as in where i'll be sleeping when i stay with them for the first couple of days post surgery, getting the time off work to stay with me, even starting to make a preliminary grocery list for me for the food i need pre-surgery & post-surgery.
my mom rocks.
& believe it or not she was the one that i was less worried about telling between my parents. i was really worried about telling my dad. here's the thing about my dad. except for my mom, my siblings, & myself my dad doesn't really have any family. ok, it's not like he crawled under a rock or out of a dickens novel or anything. he technically has family, but they've never BEEN a family to him or for him. they show up when they want money, something he owns, or help moving (basically all in all i don't have many warm fuzzies towards any of his living relatives). because he basically has just his immediate family, he's very protective of us. he tries to do everything in his power, & sometimes things out of his power, to make sure that we're safe & insulted from some of the ugliness of the world.
i was actually in kind of a panic mode most of the night at the group home. because i knew i had to tell my dad, i figured he would NOT take the news well, & i knew that on this one issue even though my mom was supporting me, she didn't agree with the decision & she wouldn't be my wingman on it. yeah, tough thing for a saturday night, eh? but i had to do it because it wouldn't be fair to wait until closer to the surgery, & since my mom knew, my dad had to know.
i'm proud of the fact that i didn't cry when i told my dad. i waited til he & my mom were done watching the ten o'clock news and just said, "on monday february 11th at 7:30am i'm having gastric bypass surgery & i would like you to be there for me." which, btw, hardest thing i've ever had to tell my dad. & i waited. really expecting him to yell or be upset or absolutely forbid it & tell me over his dead body. instead he asked me one question:
"is your doctor recommending this?"
when i told him yes she was & the reasons. that was all he needed. you could have pushed me over with a breath, not even a feather, but a breath. i was, & in a way still am, completely fucking gobsmacked over it. not that i wanted my dad to be upset in anyway, i'm actually really pleased that he's taking this so well, but i'm also kind of shocked still.
then again, people surprise you all the time. so four weeks & counting. & a lot of my fear has subsided now that my parents & my siblings know & are completely supportive of me. because while i love my friends, those are the people that matter most in the world to me. & having them there to hold my hand, watch over me, & just be with me, it makes it all a whole lot less frightening.
i told my mom in the morning before i went to work at the group home. i'll admit it, i cried a little when i told her. just because i was scared i was going to hurt her. & i try very hard not to ever intentionally inflict harm on someone i love (OK, i actually try never to inflict harm on anyone, even people i'm not so keen on). she was less than pleased when i told her, but her response really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. her exact words were, after a sigh of course:
"well, since you already have it scheduled i guess there's nothing i can do about it."
she also said she can't understand how any surgeon would be willing to do the operation on me & that she just doesn't think i'm that big. which i can see from her point of view since she's known me my whole life she remembers when i was 60 lbs bigger than i am now & a lot less physically fit.
but after a little bit, like ten to fifteen minutes of kinda processing it & thinking it over she went into MOM PLANNING MODE. she started asking me questions about the logistics of my surgery, asked to look at my info from HCMC, & then started planning. really hard core planning. as in where i'll be sleeping when i stay with them for the first couple of days post surgery, getting the time off work to stay with me, even starting to make a preliminary grocery list for me for the food i need pre-surgery & post-surgery.
my mom rocks.
& believe it or not she was the one that i was less worried about telling between my parents. i was really worried about telling my dad. here's the thing about my dad. except for my mom, my siblings, & myself my dad doesn't really have any family. ok, it's not like he crawled under a rock or out of a dickens novel or anything. he technically has family, but they've never BEEN a family to him or for him. they show up when they want money, something he owns, or help moving (basically all in all i don't have many warm fuzzies towards any of his living relatives). because he basically has just his immediate family, he's very protective of us. he tries to do everything in his power, & sometimes things out of his power, to make sure that we're safe & insulted from some of the ugliness of the world.
i was actually in kind of a panic mode most of the night at the group home. because i knew i had to tell my dad, i figured he would NOT take the news well, & i knew that on this one issue even though my mom was supporting me, she didn't agree with the decision & she wouldn't be my wingman on it. yeah, tough thing for a saturday night, eh? but i had to do it because it wouldn't be fair to wait until closer to the surgery, & since my mom knew, my dad had to know.
i'm proud of the fact that i didn't cry when i told my dad. i waited til he & my mom were done watching the ten o'clock news and just said, "on monday february 11th at 7:30am i'm having gastric bypass surgery & i would like you to be there for me." which, btw, hardest thing i've ever had to tell my dad. & i waited. really expecting him to yell or be upset or absolutely forbid it & tell me over his dead body. instead he asked me one question:
"is your doctor recommending this?"
when i told him yes she was & the reasons. that was all he needed. you could have pushed me over with a breath, not even a feather, but a breath. i was, & in a way still am, completely fucking gobsmacked over it. not that i wanted my dad to be upset in anyway, i'm actually really pleased that he's taking this so well, but i'm also kind of shocked still.
then again, people surprise you all the time. so four weeks & counting. & a lot of my fear has subsided now that my parents & my siblings know & are completely supportive of me. because while i love my friends, those are the people that matter most in the world to me. & having them there to hold my hand, watch over me, & just be with me, it makes it all a whole lot less frightening.
news from beckah's world
on monday february 11th i'll be having gastric bypass surgery.
i know i went down this whole surgery path about a year ago, put the brakes on with a squeal that could've shattered glass & said "um, i need a minute." & while i lost about a year as far as weight loss goes, i'm not unhappy that i decided to wait & think it over a bit more. i think that if i would've gone through with the surgery then i may have had some lingering doubts if i did the right thing. & right now i have no doubts.
that doesn't mean i'm not scared. because i am. i'm so damn petrified at times i can barely breathe. but i'm also excited & looking forward to the surgery. & i'm also really curious. because i know what to expect from the medical end. i have pamphlets & hand outs & information galore on possible complications. what i can expect to maybe feel physically post surgery. what i can eat. how much i can eat. & all of that.
i'm trying to wrap my mind around what i may wind up looking like. how i'll feel. how it will feel to lose a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time. i'm going to wind up weighing less than i ever have in my adult life. & that's basically about half my life right now. how do i prepare myself for that? because no matter how much you've thought about something, prepared for it, & considered it from every angle. you can't REALLY know how you're going to feel in any one situation until you're actually there.
but that's where i'm at right now. new apartment in the next few weeks, and then just after that, a surgery. once again, 2008 is a busy year.
i know i went down this whole surgery path about a year ago, put the brakes on with a squeal that could've shattered glass & said "um, i need a minute." & while i lost about a year as far as weight loss goes, i'm not unhappy that i decided to wait & think it over a bit more. i think that if i would've gone through with the surgery then i may have had some lingering doubts if i did the right thing. & right now i have no doubts.
that doesn't mean i'm not scared. because i am. i'm so damn petrified at times i can barely breathe. but i'm also excited & looking forward to the surgery. & i'm also really curious. because i know what to expect from the medical end. i have pamphlets & hand outs & information galore on possible complications. what i can expect to maybe feel physically post surgery. what i can eat. how much i can eat. & all of that.
i'm trying to wrap my mind around what i may wind up looking like. how i'll feel. how it will feel to lose a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time. i'm going to wind up weighing less than i ever have in my adult life. & that's basically about half my life right now. how do i prepare myself for that? because no matter how much you've thought about something, prepared for it, & considered it from every angle. you can't REALLY know how you're going to feel in any one situation until you're actually there.
but that's where i'm at right now. new apartment in the next few weeks, and then just after that, a surgery. once again, 2008 is a busy year.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
i'll always be a st. paul girl at heart
i'm taking control of my life, doing the adult thing, & moving to a new apartment. i really like my b-r, i'm going to be sad to not see him so often because we really do get along quite well. he's a lot of fun to have as a roommate. & just as a person i get along quite smashingly with him. i will say i think it's unfair that any one boy should be so skinny especially since he eats a lot of pizza. but it's one of those endearing things. just like my sister can tell someone to their face she thinks they're an ugly slut & they think she's joking, even though she's dead serious. it's one of those qualities to admire.
now, it's not that i don't like g-r, i just don't think we should live together. especially with the fact that we work together. (did i mention the fact that i referred her to my place of work? if i didn't, yeah, update, i referred her back in the summer & we now work at the same place). & there are so many things going on at the apartment that i'm just not cool with. BUT. i'm going to be an adult, not talk smack, & just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.
with that said. i found my new place & i'll be heading out to the burbs. i found a nice little place in plymouth, super close to work. it's just the right size for me, not too big, not too small. the perfect place for me to just tuck in & write & do the things i want to do with my life right now. i'll be able to move in february 1st, maybe a little earlier, which is just perfect. i'm hoping for a bit earlier.
once i make a decision about something i'm decided. which is both wonderful because it means that i'm really sure & it sucks because sometimes the rest of the world doesn't move as fast as i would like it to. & then typically in the mean time i've driven all my friends & family crazy with my indecisiveness & waffling on the issue. but i have a really good feeling about this place. it's going to be my very own space. & it'll be nice to not have to deal with someone else in my bathroom, making a mess in the kitchen, someone else's food crowding the fridge or freezer. or just dealing with the fact that someone else is living in the same apartment as me. like i said. it's not ALL bad having a roommate. but i'm ready to try it on my own for a while.
one thing that will take some time to adjust to is living in the suburbs. i realized today on my drive home that i've lived in st. paul for 27 years. i moved here ON my 3rd birthday from a tiny town in north dakota. & since then i've been a city girl through & through. i've lived in 3 houses in st. paul, one dorm, and two apartments. all WITHIN the city limits. before that i lived in the godforsaken middle of fucking nowhere, north dakota (btw, north dakota was not good to my family, so i'm not really a big fan). so for all the time i can remember i've lived in the city & been a city girl.
& i'm wondering how badly i'll miss it. i'm going to love being close to work, i already know that. but there is a lot i really like about the city. at my current apartment there is a 24-7 diner just down the road. & i mean LITERALLY 24-7. they don't even close on christmas. & i know of all these quaint little one of a kind stores. in the suburbs everything is all chains pretty much. there's no little mom & pop joints. . . .or, i haven't found any yet. oh, wait. there is the ham shop near work. but there are 2 of those, so technically kinda a chain.
but my parents still live in st. paul. & they still have custody of my "children" (meaning my 2 cats & my dog. . .i don't have any souvenirs). & there are enough things i like about st. paul that i'll make it a point to go there once every other week or so.
in the mean time, i need to start packing my apartment & sorting my stuff & getting ready for my big move. & other big things happening in my life, which i will update more later. but for now i'm super tired, this is a long posting, & the rest i can't go into explicit detail just yet.
now, it's not that i don't like g-r, i just don't think we should live together. especially with the fact that we work together. (did i mention the fact that i referred her to my place of work? if i didn't, yeah, update, i referred her back in the summer & we now work at the same place). & there are so many things going on at the apartment that i'm just not cool with. BUT. i'm going to be an adult, not talk smack, & just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.
with that said. i found my new place & i'll be heading out to the burbs. i found a nice little place in plymouth, super close to work. it's just the right size for me, not too big, not too small. the perfect place for me to just tuck in & write & do the things i want to do with my life right now. i'll be able to move in february 1st, maybe a little earlier, which is just perfect. i'm hoping for a bit earlier.
once i make a decision about something i'm decided. which is both wonderful because it means that i'm really sure & it sucks because sometimes the rest of the world doesn't move as fast as i would like it to. & then typically in the mean time i've driven all my friends & family crazy with my indecisiveness & waffling on the issue. but i have a really good feeling about this place. it's going to be my very own space. & it'll be nice to not have to deal with someone else in my bathroom, making a mess in the kitchen, someone else's food crowding the fridge or freezer. or just dealing with the fact that someone else is living in the same apartment as me. like i said. it's not ALL bad having a roommate. but i'm ready to try it on my own for a while.
one thing that will take some time to adjust to is living in the suburbs. i realized today on my drive home that i've lived in st. paul for 27 years. i moved here ON my 3rd birthday from a tiny town in north dakota. & since then i've been a city girl through & through. i've lived in 3 houses in st. paul, one dorm, and two apartments. all WITHIN the city limits. before that i lived in the godforsaken middle of fucking nowhere, north dakota (btw, north dakota was not good to my family, so i'm not really a big fan). so for all the time i can remember i've lived in the city & been a city girl.
& i'm wondering how badly i'll miss it. i'm going to love being close to work, i already know that. but there is a lot i really like about the city. at my current apartment there is a 24-7 diner just down the road. & i mean LITERALLY 24-7. they don't even close on christmas. & i know of all these quaint little one of a kind stores. in the suburbs everything is all chains pretty much. there's no little mom & pop joints. . . .or, i haven't found any yet. oh, wait. there is the ham shop near work. but there are 2 of those, so technically kinda a chain.
but my parents still live in st. paul. & they still have custody of my "children" (meaning my 2 cats & my dog. . .i don't have any souvenirs). & there are enough things i like about st. paul that i'll make it a point to go there once every other week or so.
in the mean time, i need to start packing my apartment & sorting my stuff & getting ready for my big move. & other big things happening in my life, which i will update more later. but for now i'm super tired, this is a long posting, & the rest i can't go into explicit detail just yet.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
courage & bravery
a lot is going on right now in my life. not like a lot isn't going on in every one's life, but right now, the past couple weeks, and the next couple months are going to be very hectic. already 2008 has been filled with so many ups & downs i really can't keep track of it, & i'd really rather have the rum without the honey, or the pickled rattlesnake (ok all you movie fans, name THAT obscure reference).
one thing that i want to do, though i didn't officially write it down in my 2008 goals, is to be a braver person. to be more courageous, even when it's tough to do. even when i run a very big risk of getting hurt. it's really easy to put on a bravado when you're fairly confident that whatever you're up against will go your way. but it's a whole lot harder when you're unsure. when you're pretty confident you're going to get hurt. or fail, or whatever the outcome may be. when you're not 100% that you're going to succeed it can be so much harder to put yourself out on the line.
& not even one week into the new year & already this is something that i'm doing in spades. i know i'm being fairly oblique right now, & i'm not doing so purposefully by any means, but there are certain things i'm not yet ready to put into blog-land. & other things that i know i won't be putting into blog land.
& once again, not even one week into the new year & i put myself out on a limb, in a very scary way for me, in a situation that didn't end up the best possible resolution. or, didn't end up the way i had hoped, it still wasn't horrible. & actually i'm happy i did it. of course, not happy things didn't go the way i had been hoping, but in spite of being a bit of a princess, i know that i can't always have things my way.
life is not burger king.
& yeah, disappointment can smart a little. or a lot. more than a mosquito bite, less than a bee sting, maybe? just depending. but i'm also really trying to take my own advice that i put on my blog on the first of : . . . taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. maybe at this exact moment in time i'm still a little too close to really be so fucking philosophical. cause things are still pretty fresh on one front.
but, on the other hand. my dad raised me to bounce back. shake it off. & do my absolute damnedest never to show any weakness. i'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it really just is what it is (& yes the language police will be coming after me for using such a trite overused phrase).
& at the very end of the day i just remember: i'm a writer. it's my passion. my joy. my soul. & anything i encounter: good, bad or indifferent is something i can use later in my novel, or a poem, or in some way to help make me that better at what i do. so it can't be all bad, right? it really is true that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger (if the language police are on their way may as well make it a god one, eh?).
not even a week in & i'm already doing scary brave things. 2008 will be a great year. & you can quote me on that.
one thing that i want to do, though i didn't officially write it down in my 2008 goals, is to be a braver person. to be more courageous, even when it's tough to do. even when i run a very big risk of getting hurt. it's really easy to put on a bravado when you're fairly confident that whatever you're up against will go your way. but it's a whole lot harder when you're unsure. when you're pretty confident you're going to get hurt. or fail, or whatever the outcome may be. when you're not 100% that you're going to succeed it can be so much harder to put yourself out on the line.
& not even one week into the new year & already this is something that i'm doing in spades. i know i'm being fairly oblique right now, & i'm not doing so purposefully by any means, but there are certain things i'm not yet ready to put into blog-land. & other things that i know i won't be putting into blog land.
& once again, not even one week into the new year & i put myself out on a limb, in a very scary way for me, in a situation that didn't end up the best possible resolution. or, didn't end up the way i had hoped, it still wasn't horrible. & actually i'm happy i did it. of course, not happy things didn't go the way i had been hoping, but in spite of being a bit of a princess, i know that i can't always have things my way.
life is not burger king.
& yeah, disappointment can smart a little. or a lot. more than a mosquito bite, less than a bee sting, maybe? just depending. but i'm also really trying to take my own advice that i put on my blog on the first of : . . . taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. maybe at this exact moment in time i'm still a little too close to really be so fucking philosophical. cause things are still pretty fresh on one front.
but, on the other hand. my dad raised me to bounce back. shake it off. & do my absolute damnedest never to show any weakness. i'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it really just is what it is (& yes the language police will be coming after me for using such a trite overused phrase).
& at the very end of the day i just remember: i'm a writer. it's my passion. my joy. my soul. & anything i encounter: good, bad or indifferent is something i can use later in my novel, or a poem, or in some way to help make me that better at what i do. so it can't be all bad, right? it really is true that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger (if the language police are on their way may as well make it a god one, eh?).
not even a week in & i'm already doing scary brave things. 2008 will be a great year. & you can quote me on that.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
meeting of the minds
they** say that old friends are the best. & it's one of those lessons that is so very true, & yet, very often forgotten. my "old" friends are the ones that i can always count on, & sometimes i think it's easy to forget that in the every day coming & going of regular life. & it's those "old" friends that know me the best. which is great & not always so great. it means that they see through all the bullshit, smoke & mirrors, & can't be faked out. a lot of them knew me from before i even had a driver's permit. & even though they can see behind the OZ curtain to the unglamorous, they still love me & stand by me like no others. it also means that they can make me feel good & laugh like no others.
last night/this morning, i was on the phone with sahara until after 1am. & then we IM-ed for another 30 minutes or so. she's the friend of mine that was born on d-day, just 9 days before me. she's a fellow gemini. & we totally share a brain. as in when we're together we really act as if we share a brain. in high school (GO MINUTEMEN. . .not really, i don't care that much) it was almost freaky. with her living half a country away on the east coast our brains have had to each grow a bit to accommodate for the missing other half, but it's still pretty funny when we're together, especially with us both being geminis, & of two minds anyway.
so we're talking about her maybe coming out to see me in a month or so & i'm asking if she knows how to drive a stick in case she needs to drive my car. & she says yeah, & we're talking about how each car with a standard transmission is different & etc. & i was telling her how my car has the "idiot shifting indicator" to tell the driver when to change gears, & the conversation went a little something like this:
me: but i don't like using it because it tells me to shift at 2,000 rpms & i feel the gears stick, my car wants to wait til more towards 2,500 rpms
sahara: well, do you have a manual?
me: uh, yeah, it's a stick?
sahara: well you should read it
me <----utterly confused at this point as to why i should read my car: uh, um, ok?
this was then followed by awkward silence while sahara wondered why i was confused & i wondered why i was supposed to read my car.
at almost the exact same moment we realized what the other one was saying & started laughing. & it has been such a long time since i've laughed that hard. & i know i'm a horrible friend for this, but it wasn't until we'd started talking on the phone that i realized how much i've really missed her.
it's sad how easy it is to let go of someone you love. or something you love. with each day it gets just a little bit easier to put off that phone call. that email. because there's too much other shit to do. the tps reports don't do themselves you know. then again. the tps reports also won't be there in a moment's notice to hold your hand when you're scared. or listen to you cry long distance. & they definitely won't give you that hug that says more than you could ever express with mere words.
so to all my friends out there that i haven't called. written. emailed. or visited. i still love you. i still care. & i miss you oodles & gobs.
**for the record: i fucking hate when anyone starts a phrase with they say, who is they? how did this mystical person/people become the absolute authority on anything? & why should i care what this fictional THEY says about anything?
last night/this morning, i was on the phone with sahara until after 1am. & then we IM-ed for another 30 minutes or so. she's the friend of mine that was born on d-day, just 9 days before me. she's a fellow gemini. & we totally share a brain. as in when we're together we really act as if we share a brain. in high school (GO MINUTEMEN. . .not really, i don't care that much) it was almost freaky. with her living half a country away on the east coast our brains have had to each grow a bit to accommodate for the missing other half, but it's still pretty funny when we're together, especially with us both being geminis, & of two minds anyway.
so we're talking about her maybe coming out to see me in a month or so & i'm asking if she knows how to drive a stick in case she needs to drive my car. & she says yeah, & we're talking about how each car with a standard transmission is different & etc. & i was telling her how my car has the "idiot shifting indicator" to tell the driver when to change gears, & the conversation went a little something like this:
me: but i don't like using it because it tells me to shift at 2,000 rpms & i feel the gears stick, my car wants to wait til more towards 2,500 rpms
sahara: well, do you have a manual?
me: uh, yeah, it's a stick?
sahara: well you should read it
me <----utterly confused at this point as to why i should read my car: uh, um, ok?
this was then followed by awkward silence while sahara wondered why i was confused & i wondered why i was supposed to read my car.
at almost the exact same moment we realized what the other one was saying & started laughing. & it has been such a long time since i've laughed that hard. & i know i'm a horrible friend for this, but it wasn't until we'd started talking on the phone that i realized how much i've really missed her.
it's sad how easy it is to let go of someone you love. or something you love. with each day it gets just a little bit easier to put off that phone call. that email. because there's too much other shit to do. the tps reports don't do themselves you know. then again. the tps reports also won't be there in a moment's notice to hold your hand when you're scared. or listen to you cry long distance. & they definitely won't give you that hug that says more than you could ever express with mere words.
so to all my friends out there that i haven't called. written. emailed. or visited. i still love you. i still care. & i miss you oodles & gobs.
**for the record: i fucking hate when anyone starts a phrase with they say, who is they? how did this mystical person/people become the absolute authority on anything? & why should i care what this fictional THEY says about anything?
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
2008 goals/resolutions
overall i'm not a big one for "new year's resolutions" anymore, because i think it's just a way of saying "make all these grand huge life changing plans because it's the first of the year not because you want to actually change anything." & while i am putting together these at the beginning of the year, i'm doing it because i want to, because these are things that i have been trying to do already, but i'm just formalizing my desire to make the changes.
i was rather fond of the five "f" categories, from last year, as noted in my blog of a few days past, so i'll do the same thing this time. the following are my goals for 2008. & i plan on checking in quarterly just to give a progress update & keep myself accountable. some of these i'm "ripping" off from '07 because i'm not yet as far along with those changes as i'd like to be.
i will make one "resolution" that doesn't really fit into any of these categories, & that is: to be the best possible person that i can, taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. this is something i strive for each day anyway in my life, just because i'm that kind of person, but i also think it helps sometimes to put something in writing & declare it to the whole world.
fitness
~be able to do 10 real push ups
~work out an average of 45 minutes a day at least 3 days a week
~start rollerblading again this spring/summer
finance
~put money into my savings with every check
~stop shopping as a hobby
~get my CD(s) to $4,000
future
~graduate from my MFA program
~submit to at least 5 publications
~create plans for the next year, five years, ten years
fun
~end the year with ZERO regrets (i did accomplish this in '07, but i think it's a great goal in general)
~take a road trip somewhere new
~do at least one fun/relaxing/recreational activity each week. . .even when i'm working the weekend at the group home
focus
~complete NaNoWriMo
~write everyday on one of my projects
~work up to meditating every day by year's end
i was rather fond of the five "f" categories, from last year, as noted in my blog of a few days past, so i'll do the same thing this time. the following are my goals for 2008. & i plan on checking in quarterly just to give a progress update & keep myself accountable. some of these i'm "ripping" off from '07 because i'm not yet as far along with those changes as i'd like to be.
i will make one "resolution" that doesn't really fit into any of these categories, & that is: to be the best possible person that i can, taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. this is something i strive for each day anyway in my life, just because i'm that kind of person, but i also think it helps sometimes to put something in writing & declare it to the whole world.
fitness
~be able to do 10 real push ups
~work out an average of 45 minutes a day at least 3 days a week
~start rollerblading again this spring/summer
finance
~put money into my savings with every check
~stop shopping as a hobby
~get my CD(s) to $4,000
future
~graduate from my MFA program
~submit to at least 5 publications
~create plans for the next year, five years, ten years
fun
~end the year with ZERO regrets (i did accomplish this in '07, but i think it's a great goal in general)
~take a road trip somewhere new
~do at least one fun/relaxing/recreational activity each week. . .even when i'm working the weekend at the group home
focus
~complete NaNoWriMo
~write everyday on one of my projects
~work up to meditating every day by year's end
Monday, December 31, 2007
thought of the week: december 30th, 2007-january 5th, 2008
i'll say it straight and plain, i know i've made mistakes, i've always been afraid, i've always been afraid . . . can you tell me, you say that love goes anywhere, in your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
~jimmy eat world, polaris, futures
so, if you look up the whole set of lyrics, this is a kind of sad song, but there is something beautiful & poignant. & i've been listening to it repeatedly over the last few days or so, & so what better lyrics to end one year & begin the next?
& it's true. i've made lots of mistakes. & i have been afraid, of SO fucking many things, it's semi pathetic when i think back. BUT here's the pay off gang: my past doesn't predict my future. & i'm not afraid anymore. isn't that grand?
& i know that i'm loved. i'm cherished. that there are at least four people on earth who would literally give their lives for mine because they love me that much. & ya know what, that is a pretty fucking cool place to be.
it can be hard in those super dark times to always remember that kind of love is there. but, i'm very fortunate in that i have family that loves me deeply. but even more fortunate that i have friends that feel the same way. i take it for granted that everyone has that kind of love & support in their lives. & i'm trying very hard not to take it for granted anymore.
so i've made my mistakes. & i'll make more. because that's the way this game is played. it's how you learn the rules & how you get better. but i'm not afraid anymore. & that's the best part.
so happy new year everyone. stay safe. be as good (or as bad) as you want.
much affection, beckah
~jimmy eat world, polaris, futures
so, if you look up the whole set of lyrics, this is a kind of sad song, but there is something beautiful & poignant. & i've been listening to it repeatedly over the last few days or so, & so what better lyrics to end one year & begin the next?
& it's true. i've made lots of mistakes. & i have been afraid, of SO fucking many things, it's semi pathetic when i think back. BUT here's the pay off gang: my past doesn't predict my future. & i'm not afraid anymore. isn't that grand?
& i know that i'm loved. i'm cherished. that there are at least four people on earth who would literally give their lives for mine because they love me that much. & ya know what, that is a pretty fucking cool place to be.
it can be hard in those super dark times to always remember that kind of love is there. but, i'm very fortunate in that i have family that loves me deeply. but even more fortunate that i have friends that feel the same way. i take it for granted that everyone has that kind of love & support in their lives. & i'm trying very hard not to take it for granted anymore.
so i've made my mistakes. & i'll make more. because that's the way this game is played. it's how you learn the rules & how you get better. but i'm not afraid anymore. & that's the best part.
so happy new year everyone. stay safe. be as good (or as bad) as you want.
much affection, beckah
Sunday, December 30, 2007
2007 goals: revisited
with 2007 coming to a close it's time to revisit the goals i set out at the *almost* beginning of the year. on january 1st i'm going to post my 2008 goals. i liked the categories of the goals for this year. i liked the fact that there were five & they all started with the letter f. i think i'm even going to keep the same categories for 2008, but obviously not the exact same goals. new year, new goals, right? right. & some of these, like the push ups under fitness, are already on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. so in a way it almost feels a bit like double dipping for using them in more than one place.
i'm also going to do my best to pick things that i want to do, but that are also attainable & meaningful to me. i think too often new year's resolutions are created just so that we can later break them & feel guilty about it. i may even limit myself to just three goals per category so that i can make sure that these are things that i can focus a lot of time and energy on in the next year.
fitness
~work out an average of 4 days/week for 60+min/day
i was doing excellent at the working out for a damn long time, then kind of lost my steam/my focus/my dedication. but i've been missing it so much lately that i am getting back to it & fitness is going to be at the top of my 2008 goals.
~be able to do 10 real push ups
not even close, not even gonna lie about it. but, tomorrow is another day. & tuesday is another YEAR. so i'll get this one onto my 2008 list.
~run for five minutes without dying
i think i came kinda close to this one when i was heavy into the jogging before i got the bronchitis in september. damn you bronchitis! *waving an angry fist* but once again, i KNOW i can do this in 2008.
~by year's end be able to do firm videos without dying
let's see. last time i did a firm video was. was. uh, um, can't recall? so i'll say no go on this one too.
~increase flexibility (for use in "fun" category)
i am more bendy now than i was a year ago. not as bendy as i'd like. but pretty dang bendy regardless.
finance
~pay off at least two of my credit cards
this is still a work in progress, but i'm miles ahead of where i was last year this time. so i'll keep trucking on it. i've also decided for 2008 that i hate shopping. please remind me of this if i tell you to the contrary.
~put money into my savings with every check
i did actually do this one religiously & i'm pretty pleased with myself about it. & i even most of the time put the money in my CD & not just my savings. my bank has a CD called a reward CD that you start with just $100 & then you can add to it. a lower interest rate than a traditional CD, but a great way to save money!
future
~finish my novel
no, not finished. but i've made a great deal of progress on it, most of that within the last four months. so i know i'll be all done with it very very soon.
~finish revising my poetry book
one again. nope. but this WILL be done in '08 because i plan on graduating a year from now.
~submit to at least 5 publications this year
uh, yeah. submitted to none. but, i'm not down on myself about it because sometimes there are things that just take more time. & while i have a ton of confidence in myself, in my writing, i'm still somewhat a tidge intimidated by the submission process. but i'll get over that by april 1st, 2008. why april 1st 2008 you say? because that's one third through the new year. & i'm a math geek & i like it.
fun
~get my 3rd tattoo
yup yup yup. june 15th, my 30th birthday, my 3rd tattoo was born of ink, sunburn, and a smidge of blood on my right upper arm.
~party like it's 1999 for my 30th
on my actual birthday i had sushi with dev & whit, wimpered from a sunburn, had sparkling cider & ice cream cake. the next day i DID party like it was 1999 at mr. floppy's flophouse with dev, mike, & whit and some absinthe. woot. so yeah, i did this one too.
~enjoy the last of my 20's & the start of my 30's
i really have enjoyed the end of my 20's start of my 30's. for all the ups & downs this past year has had for me, i really did enjoy it.
~end the year with ZERO regrets
there are things i would rather not have happened because they were not so fabulous. but i won't say i have any real regrets. because everything that i experienced has brought me to who i am at this exact moment. & i really like me. & i think everything that has happened this year has brought me greater knowledge, wisdom, & the ability to be a better person.
focus
~work up to meditating 5 times a week by years end
i am not formally meditating at all right now. but, i think when it comes to clearing my mind, my mental/emotional space, & taking inventory i am in a lot better place than i was in the beginning of 2007. but this is also a great thing for me to keep working on too.
i'm also going to do my best to pick things that i want to do, but that are also attainable & meaningful to me. i think too often new year's resolutions are created just so that we can later break them & feel guilty about it. i may even limit myself to just three goals per category so that i can make sure that these are things that i can focus a lot of time and energy on in the next year.
fitness
~work out an average of 4 days/week for 60+min/day
i was doing excellent at the working out for a damn long time, then kind of lost my steam/my focus/my dedication. but i've been missing it so much lately that i am getting back to it & fitness is going to be at the top of my 2008 goals.
~be able to do 10 real push ups
not even close, not even gonna lie about it. but, tomorrow is another day. & tuesday is another YEAR. so i'll get this one onto my 2008 list.
~run for five minutes without dying
i think i came kinda close to this one when i was heavy into the jogging before i got the bronchitis in september. damn you bronchitis! *waving an angry fist* but once again, i KNOW i can do this in 2008.
~by year's end be able to do firm videos without dying
let's see. last time i did a firm video was. was. uh, um, can't recall? so i'll say no go on this one too.
~increase flexibility (for use in "fun" category)
i am more bendy now than i was a year ago. not as bendy as i'd like. but pretty dang bendy regardless.
finance
~pay off at least two of my credit cards
this is still a work in progress, but i'm miles ahead of where i was last year this time. so i'll keep trucking on it. i've also decided for 2008 that i hate shopping. please remind me of this if i tell you to the contrary.
~put money into my savings with every check
i did actually do this one religiously & i'm pretty pleased with myself about it. & i even most of the time put the money in my CD & not just my savings. my bank has a CD called a reward CD that you start with just $100 & then you can add to it. a lower interest rate than a traditional CD, but a great way to save money!
future
~finish my novel
no, not finished. but i've made a great deal of progress on it, most of that within the last four months. so i know i'll be all done with it very very soon.
~finish revising my poetry book
one again. nope. but this WILL be done in '08 because i plan on graduating a year from now.
~submit to at least 5 publications this year
uh, yeah. submitted to none. but, i'm not down on myself about it because sometimes there are things that just take more time. & while i have a ton of confidence in myself, in my writing, i'm still somewhat a tidge intimidated by the submission process. but i'll get over that by april 1st, 2008. why april 1st 2008 you say? because that's one third through the new year. & i'm a math geek & i like it.
fun
~get my 3rd tattoo
yup yup yup. june 15th, my 30th birthday, my 3rd tattoo was born of ink, sunburn, and a smidge of blood on my right upper arm.
~party like it's 1999 for my 30th
on my actual birthday i had sushi with dev & whit, wimpered from a sunburn, had sparkling cider & ice cream cake. the next day i DID party like it was 1999 at mr. floppy's flophouse with dev, mike, & whit and some absinthe. woot. so yeah, i did this one too.
~enjoy the last of my 20's & the start of my 30's
i really have enjoyed the end of my 20's start of my 30's. for all the ups & downs this past year has had for me, i really did enjoy it.
~end the year with ZERO regrets
there are things i would rather not have happened because they were not so fabulous. but i won't say i have any real regrets. because everything that i experienced has brought me to who i am at this exact moment. & i really like me. & i think everything that has happened this year has brought me greater knowledge, wisdom, & the ability to be a better person.
focus
~work up to meditating 5 times a week by years end
i am not formally meditating at all right now. but, i think when it comes to clearing my mind, my mental/emotional space, & taking inventory i am in a lot better place than i was in the beginning of 2007. but this is also a great thing for me to keep working on too.
101 list: 1 year later
here's an update to the list i posted one year ago today. i've completed some things since my last update. i'm still optimistic that i can get the rest of this done before my 1001 days are up. i've only used 365 so far, just a bit over a third :)
now, since 2008 has 366 days, one year from now i'll be at 731. so i've also gone through & put a little * in front of the ones that i know i want to complete by this time next year. i've got 26 down as the top ones i want to complete withing a year from today. i didn't include any of the travel ones, but i do want to travel in '08.
the tally is:
9 completed
2 unable to be completed
4 pending completion upon further examination
i did not do too well in 2007 on this list. BUT, i did get some stuff done, & 1 year later i haven't forgotten about this list, which i think is a pretty wicked cool accomplishment.
*1 learn to play the guitar
2 re-learn french
*3 finish my novel
*4 finish my poetry book
*5 graduate with my mfa
6 see disney world
7 go to ireland
8 get my third tattoo (completed june 15, 2007: abbae my green faerie)
9 pierce my belly button
10 pierce my upper ears (pierced the tragus on both ears, 10.31.07, i'll call this one complete for now)
11 bungee jump
12 sky dive
*13 snowboard
*14 weigh less than 200lbs
15 learn to drive a stick (bought manual tranny car 10.11.07, can drive said car, complete)
16 fly first class (completed 6.13.07 msp to sfo)
*17 get out of credit card debt
18 buy a house
19 visit seattle
20 become a sophmore burner
*21 learn to swim
*22 get my passport
23 become an expert at reading tarot
24 complete the breast cancer 3 day
25 visit vermont (completed 12/30-31/06)
26 go to canada(completed 12/31/06-1/1/07)
*27 go roller blading again
28 visit & return from mexico
29 write a song
30 see the salt flats in utah
31 have a spa weekend
32 finish my bartending classes
33 make a quilt entirely by hand (made a quilt for my cousin adam's son riley, completed august '07)
34 celebrate mardi gras in new orleans
*35 go skiing
36 go to italy
*37 make my own candles
38 take swing dancing lessons
39 go scuba diving
40 get my 4th tattoo
41 get my 5th tattoo
42 go to the garlic festival in gilroy, ca
43 enter the pillsbury bake-off
45 make my own spaghetti sauce from scratch
46 spend a week in alaska
*47 complete NaNoWriMo (@ least 50k words)
48 pull taffy
49 spend a year being selfish (on jan 1 '08 i'm going to take a look at this past year, i'm leaning towards calling this complete)
50 learn another language (other than french)
51 do a past life regression
52 have at least one end game character on WoW (completed 1/14/07)
53 practice palmistry
54 play in the ocean
55 see new york city (not by plane)
56 go the grand canyon
57 tour hoover damn
*58 invent a cocktail
*59 try a REAL martini (not-a-freakin-fru-fru-it-ends-in-tini-so-it's-a-martini)
*60 find my spirituality
*61 become ambidextrous
62 run for more than a minute (i have done this several times pre-bronchitis at the Y, but my run is like someone else's leisurely jog, so i almost don't want to call this complete yet)
63 become lost
64 find myself
65 finish my james dean collage
*66 read "the inferno"
*67 write a fan letter to stephen king
*68 write a thank you letter to stephen thayor
69 send my mom flowers for no reason (completed 02/27/2007)
*70 take my dad to a movie for no reason
*71 surprise my grandma with lunch/dinner
*72 get up to enjoy the sunrise
*73 watch the sunset
74 get to at least 30 states on my list
75 go to hawaii
*76 make home made chili
77 rollar blade around lake phalen
78 win a game of cribbage against jenn-jenn (i did win a game of cribbage, but jenn said it didn't count because it was on a travel board. what do you think dear blog readers: does a travel board count? i'm thinking yes)
79 drive to california
80 dance on myrtle beach
81 make my parents proud of me (12.30.07 OK, so they CLAIM they're already & have always been proud of me. so i'm not sure what i'm waiting for to cross this one off)
*82 forgive grandma ginger
83 talk to my dad about vietnam
84 go to the top of the empire state building
85 have my dad teach me glass etching
86 make kuchen with my mom
87 have matt teach me how to change the oil in a car
88 help matt restore my dad's mustang
89 save $5,000 & keep it in the bank
90 write my dad's story
91 learn to lucid dream
92 create a garlic recipe to enter in the gilroy festival
93 take a photography class
94 become a pool shark (ok, reasonably good at pool will suffice)
95make a new year's resolution that i stick with for one whole year
96 go to a wild game with my dad
97 see a cirque de solel performance
98 interview grandpa caruso for a west 7th street book (sadly my grandpa caruso died this past spring so there is no way i can complete this item)
99 do 10 real push-ups without dying
100 let myself write at least 30 minutes a day
101 finish this entire list in 1001 days (because of my grandfather's death i will not be able to complete all 101 items. as of 12.30.07 i can still complete 99 of them)
now, since 2008 has 366 days, one year from now i'll be at 731. so i've also gone through & put a little * in front of the ones that i know i want to complete by this time next year. i've got 26 down as the top ones i want to complete withing a year from today. i didn't include any of the travel ones, but i do want to travel in '08.
the tally is:
9 completed
2 unable to be completed
4 pending completion upon further examination
i did not do too well in 2007 on this list. BUT, i did get some stuff done, & 1 year later i haven't forgotten about this list, which i think is a pretty wicked cool accomplishment.
*1 learn to play the guitar
2 re-learn french
*3 finish my novel
*4 finish my poetry book
*5 graduate with my mfa
6 see disney world
7 go to ireland
8 get my third tattoo (completed june 15, 2007: abbae my green faerie)
9 pierce my belly button
10 pierce my upper ears (pierced the tragus on both ears, 10.31.07, i'll call this one complete for now)
11 bungee jump
12 sky dive
*13 snowboard
*14 weigh less than 200lbs
15 learn to drive a stick (bought manual tranny car 10.11.07, can drive said car, complete)
16 fly first class (completed 6.13.07 msp to sfo)
*17 get out of credit card debt
18 buy a house
19 visit seattle
20 become a sophmore burner
*21 learn to swim
*22 get my passport
23 become an expert at reading tarot
24 complete the breast cancer 3 day
25 visit vermont (completed 12/30-31/06)
26 go to canada(completed 12/31/06-1/1/07)
*27 go roller blading again
28 visit & return from mexico
29 write a song
30 see the salt flats in utah
31 have a spa weekend
32 finish my bartending classes
33 make a quilt entirely by hand (made a quilt for my cousin adam's son riley, completed august '07)
34 celebrate mardi gras in new orleans
*35 go skiing
36 go to italy
*37 make my own candles
38 take swing dancing lessons
39 go scuba diving
40 get my 4th tattoo
41 get my 5th tattoo
42 go to the garlic festival in gilroy, ca
43 enter the pillsbury bake-off
45 make my own spaghetti sauce from scratch
46 spend a week in alaska
*47 complete NaNoWriMo (@ least 50k words)
48 pull taffy
49 spend a year being selfish (on jan 1 '08 i'm going to take a look at this past year, i'm leaning towards calling this complete)
50 learn another language (other than french)
51 do a past life regression
52 have at least one end game character on WoW (completed 1/14/07)
53 practice palmistry
54 play in the ocean
55 see new york city (not by plane)
56 go the grand canyon
57 tour hoover damn
*58 invent a cocktail
*59 try a REAL martini (not-a-freakin-fru-fru-it-ends-in-tini-so-it's-a-martini)
*60 find my spirituality
*61 become ambidextrous
62 run for more than a minute (i have done this several times pre-bronchitis at the Y, but my run is like someone else's leisurely jog, so i almost don't want to call this complete yet)
63 become lost
64 find myself
65 finish my james dean collage
*66 read "the inferno"
*67 write a fan letter to stephen king
*68 write a thank you letter to stephen thayor
69 send my mom flowers for no reason (completed 02/27/2007)
*70 take my dad to a movie for no reason
*71 surprise my grandma with lunch/dinner
*72 get up to enjoy the sunrise
*73 watch the sunset
74 get to at least 30 states on my list
75 go to hawaii
*76 make home made chili
77 rollar blade around lake phalen
78 win a game of cribbage against jenn-jenn (i did win a game of cribbage, but jenn said it didn't count because it was on a travel board. what do you think dear blog readers: does a travel board count? i'm thinking yes)
79 drive to california
80 dance on myrtle beach
81 make my parents proud of me (12.30.07 OK, so they CLAIM they're already & have always been proud of me. so i'm not sure what i'm waiting for to cross this one off)
*82 forgive grandma ginger
83 talk to my dad about vietnam
84 go to the top of the empire state building
85 have my dad teach me glass etching
86 make kuchen with my mom
87 have matt teach me how to change the oil in a car
88 help matt restore my dad's mustang
89 save $5,000 & keep it in the bank
90 write my dad's story
91 learn to lucid dream
92 create a garlic recipe to enter in the gilroy festival
93 take a photography class
94 become a pool shark (ok, reasonably good at pool will suffice)
95make a new year's resolution that i stick with for one whole year
96 go to a wild game with my dad
97 see a cirque de solel performance
98 interview grandpa caruso for a west 7th street book (sadly my grandpa caruso died this past spring so there is no way i can complete this item)
99 do 10 real push-ups without dying
100 let myself write at least 30 minutes a day
101 finish this entire list in 1001 days (because of my grandfather's death i will not be able to complete all 101 items. as of 12.30.07 i can still complete 99 of them)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
busted out at the Y
~note: this blog was started on december 11, 2007~
jenn & i were at the Y tonight, & yes, it's been a while since we've been there, since, obviously, there's been a lack of blogging about. (right before i got promoted so did jenn. & with promotion comes extra responsibilities & longer work hours & less time to go stare at pretty boys, i mean, workout).
so we were back at the gym tonight & it was packed, which was annoying. but we did half an hour on the machines that are like a gazelle, i have no idea what the name is, probably some kind of cross trainer. then as a cool down before we left we did a half mile walk around the track.
when we got done on the track we were just leaving when we heard a voice say "hey, where have you been?"
busted.
it was holly, the girl who teaches the boot camp classes & helps with the friday night kick box d'oh classes.
so jenn & i basically stammered & stuttered & somehow explained the past few months with my bronchitis, her promotion, my promotion, & all the adjusting that new jobs require. yeah, it was lame, but we didn't have to drop & do any push ups right then, so that was good.
by the time we left jenn wound up promising we'd be at the tuesday night as well as the saturday morning boot camp classes. d'oh! & not as in kick box. not that i'm opposed to hard work, because i'm not in anyway, but i had been struggling at the boot camp classes & that was before i'd taken a several month vacation from the gym. i do know that i need to make friends with my local Y once again. i always feel better when i work out.
jenn & i were at the Y tonight, & yes, it's been a while since we've been there, since, obviously, there's been a lack of blogging about. (right before i got promoted so did jenn. & with promotion comes extra responsibilities & longer work hours & less time to go stare at pretty boys, i mean, workout).
so we were back at the gym tonight & it was packed, which was annoying. but we did half an hour on the machines that are like a gazelle, i have no idea what the name is, probably some kind of cross trainer. then as a cool down before we left we did a half mile walk around the track.
when we got done on the track we were just leaving when we heard a voice say "hey, where have you been?"
busted.
it was holly, the girl who teaches the boot camp classes & helps with the friday night kick box d'oh classes.
so jenn & i basically stammered & stuttered & somehow explained the past few months with my bronchitis, her promotion, my promotion, & all the adjusting that new jobs require. yeah, it was lame, but we didn't have to drop & do any push ups right then, so that was good.
by the time we left jenn wound up promising we'd be at the tuesday night as well as the saturday morning boot camp classes. d'oh! & not as in kick box. not that i'm opposed to hard work, because i'm not in anyway, but i had been struggling at the boot camp classes & that was before i'd taken a several month vacation from the gym. i do know that i need to make friends with my local Y once again. i always feel better when i work out.
thought of the week december 9-15th
~note: this blog was originally started on december 14th, 2007~
oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can I sail through the changing ocean tides can I handle the seasons of my life? mmm mmm I don’t know, mmm mmm. . . but time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too ~ stevie nicks landslide
this song has had a special place in my heart for oh, four years now? i went to a dixie chicks concert with tina in the summer of 2003, i want to say it was june, but i can't recall off hand. i just know that it was summer. & i think it was before my nephew was born. which would be june or early july. not like the exact month makes much difference. so it was at the concert that i realized that i was not at all at a good place in my life. i was still seeing TSSOB at the time, & i was not happy in the relationship or doing what i wanted to do with my life.
all of this hit me suddenly while at the concert during the dixie chicks rendition of "landslide." it's also been a song that i turn to time after time when i need a soundtrack to think. something to help me focus as my thoughts swirl around me like a F5 tornado. this song is the thing that helps ground me & gives me something to hold onto.
so this song has come up again recently for me. i've been listening to it, the smashing pumpkins version mostly, & once again it helps me think. i'm not even sure where i'm going with this, except that once again i'm finding myself in that place of flux.
i'm also finding that life is very cyclical. i've recently started hanging out again with people that i first met back in 2004. not that i haven't had any contact with them since then, but we're just talking more now than we have since we first met. it's also sort of weird because of the changes that have happened in the past three years. so i'm finding myself in a similar place to where i was three years ago, but it's like i'm there with a better map of my surroundings.
oh mirror in the sky, what is love? can the child within my heart rise above? can I sail through the changing ocean tides can I handle the seasons of my life? mmm mmm I don’t know, mmm mmm. . . but time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too ~ stevie nicks landslide
this song has had a special place in my heart for oh, four years now? i went to a dixie chicks concert with tina in the summer of 2003, i want to say it was june, but i can't recall off hand. i just know that it was summer. & i think it was before my nephew was born. which would be june or early july. not like the exact month makes much difference. so it was at the concert that i realized that i was not at all at a good place in my life. i was still seeing TSSOB at the time, & i was not happy in the relationship or doing what i wanted to do with my life.
all of this hit me suddenly while at the concert during the dixie chicks rendition of "landslide." it's also been a song that i turn to time after time when i need a soundtrack to think. something to help me focus as my thoughts swirl around me like a F5 tornado. this song is the thing that helps ground me & gives me something to hold onto.
so this song has come up again recently for me. i've been listening to it, the smashing pumpkins version mostly, & once again it helps me think. i'm not even sure where i'm going with this, except that once again i'm finding myself in that place of flux.
i'm also finding that life is very cyclical. i've recently started hanging out again with people that i first met back in 2004. not that i haven't had any contact with them since then, but we're just talking more now than we have since we first met. it's also sort of weird because of the changes that have happened in the past three years. so i'm finding myself in a similar place to where i was three years ago, but it's like i'm there with a better map of my surroundings.
Monday, December 24, 2007
santa baby: a letter to santa
dear santa,
i know it's the last minute, with you well on your way & christmas having arrived in other places around the world already, but i hope i'm not too late, & please, just keep in mind, this wish is just for some time in 2008. i'd appreciate sooner rather than later, but i know i can't be pushy.
my christmas wish is for a boy. a super crazy smart boy, who's beautiful to boot. someone who loves the fact that i'm a writer & is willing to support me in the insane venture of becoming published. if he's artistic that would be a wonderful surprise, especially if he's a writer too, but not at all necessary.
he needs to be loving, sympathetic, generous, honorable, loyal, passionate, sensual, & confident. he should be close to his family & his friends. & he understands that i'm close to my family & friends. he needs to have his own life & can't expect me to drop mine just because he requests it. he wants to be independent with me (if that makes any sense at all).
my christmas boy should love me, pamper me, worship me, but all well within the normal bounds expected by any princess. he thinks it's cute that i have enough ego for three people but he also knows that i am generous, loving, compassionate. he knows that i'm the first one there to help when any of my friends really needs me.
i want a boy with goals, with drive, with ambition coming out his ears. someone who strives to make something of himself, of his life. someone who is NOT content to be pastel. a boy who wants to go to burning man if he hasn't already, cares about the impact he's making on the environment, knows what trader joe's is & shops there. he buys organic because it tastes better. supports local businesses. he's like me: both a yuppie & a hippie (he's a yippie).
my boy likes to work out & thinks it would be great to go to the gym with me. he encourages me to try new activities & shows an interest in my hobbies. he likes the art museum & the science museum & traveling. but he also likes those lazy nights on occasion, curled up together on the couch watching a bad movie, or a good movie, or a really good/bad movie.
he wants to, one day, have kids, but not right away. & when, in the future, we have kids. he wants to raise them as i do: globally. our kids will have passports as babies. they'll be multilingual & understand that our country is just one little corner of the big world. our kids will be like us: bright, vibrant people, not in anyway pastel.
i don't expect a prince charming with no flaws. i just want someone who will compliment me. someone who i want to see morning after morning before either of us has brushed our teeth.
i want a boy who challenges me & makes me think. someone to curl up with & listen to the thunderstorms.
so santa, that's my christmas wish this year. in the past i've wished on every star, eyelash, and pinch of salt. picked out the fortunes without breaking the cookie. done it all, & decided it's time to go to the big guy on this wish. so i don't expect him naked under my christmas tree with a big red bow. while that would be lovely i think it'd freak the fuck right out of my parents & siblings. if you'd like to deliver him christmas day i'll sign by the X & accept the delivery, but i'll look for him later in the year.
thanks much,
beckah
ps: i left you pineapple juice & rum, help yourself to the leftovers in the fridge. i figure you've had enough cookies for one bloody night.
i know it's the last minute, with you well on your way & christmas having arrived in other places around the world already, but i hope i'm not too late, & please, just keep in mind, this wish is just for some time in 2008. i'd appreciate sooner rather than later, but i know i can't be pushy.
my christmas wish is for a boy. a super crazy smart boy, who's beautiful to boot. someone who loves the fact that i'm a writer & is willing to support me in the insane venture of becoming published. if he's artistic that would be a wonderful surprise, especially if he's a writer too, but not at all necessary.
he needs to be loving, sympathetic, generous, honorable, loyal, passionate, sensual, & confident. he should be close to his family & his friends. & he understands that i'm close to my family & friends. he needs to have his own life & can't expect me to drop mine just because he requests it. he wants to be independent with me (if that makes any sense at all).
my christmas boy should love me, pamper me, worship me, but all well within the normal bounds expected by any princess. he thinks it's cute that i have enough ego for three people but he also knows that i am generous, loving, compassionate. he knows that i'm the first one there to help when any of my friends really needs me.
i want a boy with goals, with drive, with ambition coming out his ears. someone who strives to make something of himself, of his life. someone who is NOT content to be pastel. a boy who wants to go to burning man if he hasn't already, cares about the impact he's making on the environment, knows what trader joe's is & shops there. he buys organic because it tastes better. supports local businesses. he's like me: both a yuppie & a hippie (he's a yippie).
my boy likes to work out & thinks it would be great to go to the gym with me. he encourages me to try new activities & shows an interest in my hobbies. he likes the art museum & the science museum & traveling. but he also likes those lazy nights on occasion, curled up together on the couch watching a bad movie, or a good movie, or a really good/bad movie.
he wants to, one day, have kids, but not right away. & when, in the future, we have kids. he wants to raise them as i do: globally. our kids will have passports as babies. they'll be multilingual & understand that our country is just one little corner of the big world. our kids will be like us: bright, vibrant people, not in anyway pastel.
i don't expect a prince charming with no flaws. i just want someone who will compliment me. someone who i want to see morning after morning before either of us has brushed our teeth.
i want a boy who challenges me & makes me think. someone to curl up with & listen to the thunderstorms.
so santa, that's my christmas wish this year. in the past i've wished on every star, eyelash, and pinch of salt. picked out the fortunes without breaking the cookie. done it all, & decided it's time to go to the big guy on this wish. so i don't expect him naked under my christmas tree with a big red bow. while that would be lovely i think it'd freak the fuck right out of my parents & siblings. if you'd like to deliver him christmas day i'll sign by the X & accept the delivery, but i'll look for him later in the year.
thanks much,
beckah
ps: i left you pineapple juice & rum, help yourself to the leftovers in the fridge. i figure you've had enough cookies for one bloody night.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
& this was
ok, not exactly, but close enough.
& yes, i do wanna be a gansta.
& no, i didn't do my tps reports.
bad day
& yes, i do wanna be a gansta.
& no, i didn't do my tps reports.
bad day
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
& the play of the day goes to (language warning)
so, i'm going to preface this with there has been a lot of bullshit going on regarding my living situation. which i've not written about due to the fact that one of my roommates has my blog address. but. i've decided i am not going to stifle myself anymore.
& if i don't mention them by name in anyway, then why the fuck not write about the bullshit? it'll amuse someone, i'm sure. horrify others, but amuse at least some.
so, update: i have two roommates a boy & a girl. from here on known as b-r & g-r, for boy roommate & girl roommate, pretty obvious, then again, there are lots of pretty obvious things that need to be spelled out.
the bullshit revolves around g-r. (& for all of you curious about the boy drama: here's the cliff notes version) there have been a lot of little things that have made me shake my head & wonder out loud, more than once "what the fuck?" since i moved in here, but the thing that made me finally decide that things are completely & totally fucked & also completely irreparable is the boy situation.
i'll admit my boy free year wound up being more like nine months. but it was more than enough. so in september i started seeing a guy that i've been friends with for three years. we were dating & etc. one day both g-r & i happened to be home & she asked about the boy i'd been seeing, i foolishly showed her his online profile.
suddenly the two of them are flirting & IM-ing each other & becoming a little more involved than any girl should be with her roommate's boy, or any boy should be with the roommate of the girl he's dating. they both basically blamed the other one saying most of the culpability lay with the other party. (for the record i think they're both fucking lying & they're both more responsible than either will admit)
needless to say, not really seeing that boy anymore.
i was willing to write that off as a one time lapse in judgement on the part of g-r. & the boy was a huge flirt, so i could see him pushing things. & since i didn't have any delusions about keeping him around for a long term anything, i wasn't super broken up about it. i would have preferred to have more of a say in things, but, whatever.
SO. in the midst of all the bullshit with that boy going down, i was seeing another boy. who evidently g-r knew from online. according to her she didn't like him, he'd been pursuing her for years & she was horrified that he knew where she lived. she saw him leaving the apartment one day, but he didn't see her.
i took her at her word, once again, foolishly.
a few days after she saw second boy leaving the apartment he & i are talking & he says he can't see me anymore. he had no clue she was my roommate & he refused to step foot in my apartment again. he actually said it was best we not see each other at all. just cause i live with her. OH, and BTW: he mentions in passing she's talking shit about me behind my back.
i know.
i know.
i know.
& for all of you that have known me for years: yes, i did, & have thus far, resisted the urge to punch anyone in the face. i know. it is a fucking miracle.
so boy two wouldn't say what she said.
his story is she has been chasing him & he doesn't want anything to do with her. her story is the same but with him chasing her. once again, i don't completely believe either one.
but riddle me this, batman: now, how did the second boy know she was my roommate? because she fucking instant messaged him the second he left the apartment. (& she admitted this to me)
seriously. if there was someone you've been dodging for years, why would you instant message them the second they walked out of your apartment to tell them they were just in your apartment? that is completely illogical & asinine. so i'm more inclined to believe the boy on this one. because if my roommate brought someone home who creeped me out & i'd been dodging, i would tell them & ask them to not let that person know i live there.
yes, that is what anyone would do. you don't IM your creepy stalkerish boy & tell him "dude, you were just at my apartment."
i'm not even going to pretend that g-r & i are/were in anyway bestest buddies, but the whole boy drama basically assured that i will never be best buddies with her. it's just wrong on so many levels.
"so, beckah, after sitting on all of this information for two months, why suddenly go into it now?" very good question.
& this will seem bizarre to some: but the reason for tonight is all about the booze. i had an open bottle of tequila rose in the freezer. for anyone not familiar with this liquor, it's a cream based liquor. an open bottle needs to be kept cold (DUH). well i like to keep mine in the freezer. so i had it happily in the freezer chilling out until i wanted it.
tonight i was making dinner & i opened the freezer & noticed it was gone. & i don't deal well with people messing with my stuff. i happen to look up & the bottle is on top of the fridge. i feel it & it's fucking room temperature. which means the damn bottle has been out of the freezer for quite some time to lose all of the chill factor, because the thick black glass gets frosted when it's in the freezer.
how do i know it wasn't b-r? let's see: he's been gone for the majority of the past few weeks. & he has completely given up on attempting to use our freezer. & there was a package of frozen vegetables where my booze had been. hmmmm...yeah, that pretty much does add up to g-r.
SO, in addition to interfering with my social life, she's fucking with my booze. unacceptable.
i call: roommate foul, alcohol abuse, & intoxication interference.
& if i don't mention them by name in anyway, then why the fuck not write about the bullshit? it'll amuse someone, i'm sure. horrify others, but amuse at least some.
so, update: i have two roommates a boy & a girl. from here on known as b-r & g-r, for boy roommate & girl roommate, pretty obvious, then again, there are lots of pretty obvious things that need to be spelled out.
the bullshit revolves around g-r. (& for all of you curious about the boy drama: here's the cliff notes version) there have been a lot of little things that have made me shake my head & wonder out loud, more than once "what the fuck?" since i moved in here, but the thing that made me finally decide that things are completely & totally fucked & also completely irreparable is the boy situation.
i'll admit my boy free year wound up being more like nine months. but it was more than enough. so in september i started seeing a guy that i've been friends with for three years. we were dating & etc. one day both g-r & i happened to be home & she asked about the boy i'd been seeing, i foolishly showed her his online profile.
suddenly the two of them are flirting & IM-ing each other & becoming a little more involved than any girl should be with her roommate's boy, or any boy should be with the roommate of the girl he's dating. they both basically blamed the other one saying most of the culpability lay with the other party. (for the record i think they're both fucking lying & they're both more responsible than either will admit)
needless to say, not really seeing that boy anymore.
i was willing to write that off as a one time lapse in judgement on the part of g-r. & the boy was a huge flirt, so i could see him pushing things. & since i didn't have any delusions about keeping him around for a long term anything, i wasn't super broken up about it. i would have preferred to have more of a say in things, but, whatever.
SO. in the midst of all the bullshit with that boy going down, i was seeing another boy. who evidently g-r knew from online. according to her she didn't like him, he'd been pursuing her for years & she was horrified that he knew where she lived. she saw him leaving the apartment one day, but he didn't see her.
i took her at her word, once again, foolishly.
a few days after she saw second boy leaving the apartment he & i are talking & he says he can't see me anymore. he had no clue she was my roommate & he refused to step foot in my apartment again. he actually said it was best we not see each other at all. just cause i live with her. OH, and BTW: he mentions in passing she's talking shit about me behind my back.
i know.
i know.
i know.
& for all of you that have known me for years: yes, i did, & have thus far, resisted the urge to punch anyone in the face. i know. it is a fucking miracle.
so boy two wouldn't say what she said.
his story is she has been chasing him & he doesn't want anything to do with her. her story is the same but with him chasing her. once again, i don't completely believe either one.
but riddle me this, batman: now, how did the second boy know she was my roommate? because she fucking instant messaged him the second he left the apartment. (& she admitted this to me)
seriously. if there was someone you've been dodging for years, why would you instant message them the second they walked out of your apartment to tell them they were just in your apartment? that is completely illogical & asinine. so i'm more inclined to believe the boy on this one. because if my roommate brought someone home who creeped me out & i'd been dodging, i would tell them & ask them to not let that person know i live there.
yes, that is what anyone would do. you don't IM your creepy stalkerish boy & tell him "dude, you were just at my apartment."
i'm not even going to pretend that g-r & i are/were in anyway bestest buddies, but the whole boy drama basically assured that i will never be best buddies with her. it's just wrong on so many levels.
"so, beckah, after sitting on all of this information for two months, why suddenly go into it now?" very good question.
& this will seem bizarre to some: but the reason for tonight is all about the booze. i had an open bottle of tequila rose in the freezer. for anyone not familiar with this liquor, it's a cream based liquor. an open bottle needs to be kept cold (DUH). well i like to keep mine in the freezer. so i had it happily in the freezer chilling out until i wanted it.
tonight i was making dinner & i opened the freezer & noticed it was gone. & i don't deal well with people messing with my stuff. i happen to look up & the bottle is on top of the fridge. i feel it & it's fucking room temperature. which means the damn bottle has been out of the freezer for quite some time to lose all of the chill factor, because the thick black glass gets frosted when it's in the freezer.
how do i know it wasn't b-r? let's see: he's been gone for the majority of the past few weeks. & he has completely given up on attempting to use our freezer. & there was a package of frozen vegetables where my booze had been. hmmmm...yeah, that pretty much does add up to g-r.
SO, in addition to interfering with my social life, she's fucking with my booze. unacceptable.
i call: roommate foul, alcohol abuse, & intoxication interference.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
ok, funniest frickin thing at work this WHOLE week!
i'm on my lunch break right now & i happened to stroll by miss jenn's desk after i heated up my lunch. the sad part about us both being promoted is there is not really a chance any more of us having lunch together. because i'm on lunch from noon-1pm each day, and while i'm on lunch she's primary back-up on my helpline. so yeah, that unequivocally sucks, but i'll get over that & it's not really relevant to the story at hand anyway.
so i bounced by her desk with my lunch (grilled chicken cordon bleu along with cheese stuffed spinach tortellini with spray butter & a diet coke to drink). i was thinking if she was free i'd spend my lunch hour visiting with her. as it turns out she had one of the newbie reps there & was helping her with an issue. so i said hi anyway & jenn was kind of craning her neck & peeking & trying to see what was in my tupperware. so i set it down on her desk and she says to me "don't set that down or i'll eat the WHOLE thing."
well, i don't listen, do i? nope, hardly never. (yes that's a double negative & i'm ok with that. but i still don't listen much :) )
so i open it up and tell her & the newbie what i have for lunch & i tell jenn i have extra of the pasta & the spray butter in the fridge if she wants some. she declines but then reaches in & grabs a tortellini, which i'm fine with. & the newbie is asking me to make jenn take a lunch & actually eat some food. the newbie & i agreed jenn really should be taking a lunch & eating real food & she says to us "i'm fine. that will hold me over."
to which the newbie responds "that will hold you over? who are you, kate moss?"
i did laugh pretty hard about that one & even gave the newbie a high five. good newbie.
IN OTHER NEWS: at work we're doing the weight loss competition again. i'm corralling fifteen people. YES, fifteen people. jesus effing bobby. we've got three levels of winners & we're doing this for twelve weeks. so check the farm people blog again, i'll be updating it once more. & once more i'm getting my butt handed to me. after week one i'm in 4th place. yeah, 4th of 15 isn't bad, but it's still not enough to get me into the big money! so i shouldn't be gnoshing on the tortellini either. . .or the popcorn i had for a morning snack. . .or the wine i had with dinner last night. . .or the dark chocolate m&m's i had yesterday afternoon. . .ok. . .i'm in 4th place for a good reason. but more on the farm people blog!
Monday, December 10, 2007
last night of class
so tonight was the last night of my class, how to write a suspenseful novel. i loved the class & i'm actually kinda bummed it's over, i really can't believe it's finished already. it really does seem like i just started the class.
when the class started i only knew one other person in the class, a guy that was in my class last spring, who is, simply awesome. he's a fabulous writer, funny as hell, & just kind of the sorta laid back guy that it's just fun to talk to. & he always has the most interesting point of view on, well, everything. not like i didn't like my other classmates, cause i really do/did. but sometimes it's nice to have that one familiar face. it's one less name for me to remember : )
everyone in class was/is so talented i would read their work from week to week & i was just simply gobsmacked. as far as genres go we had everything from romance to fantasy to young adult to mystery to everything in between. i'm not sure where i would put my book, somewhere in th middle maybe?
one of my goals for the class was to finish my current novel to determine if i was going to do a thesis with concentrations in both fiction and poetry, or drop the fiction piece. basically i put the assignment on myself that i had to finish my novel by the end of this semester/calendar year in order to be able to finish thesis with both. i had the notion that if i didn't finish the novel by the end of this class i never would.
well. WELL. yeah, not so much finished. but i feel pretty damn good about it. which is a damn sight better than i was feeling back in september about this whole thing. so i'm not giving up on my novel, just yet. the class helped me get a really clear vision of what i want/need to happen. i also found out a lot about my character that i didn't know at the start of class (some day i'll write a blog: inside the mind of a writer. . . but for now i would rather stay outside a mental ward & unmedicated, thank you very much!).
i actually feel, just a wee bit, at peace with my writing right now. it's a good place.
when the class started i only knew one other person in the class, a guy that was in my class last spring, who is, simply awesome. he's a fabulous writer, funny as hell, & just kind of the sorta laid back guy that it's just fun to talk to. & he always has the most interesting point of view on, well, everything. not like i didn't like my other classmates, cause i really do/did. but sometimes it's nice to have that one familiar face. it's one less name for me to remember : )
everyone in class was/is so talented i would read their work from week to week & i was just simply gobsmacked. as far as genres go we had everything from romance to fantasy to young adult to mystery to everything in between. i'm not sure where i would put my book, somewhere in th middle maybe?
one of my goals for the class was to finish my current novel to determine if i was going to do a thesis with concentrations in both fiction and poetry, or drop the fiction piece. basically i put the assignment on myself that i had to finish my novel by the end of this semester/calendar year in order to be able to finish thesis with both. i had the notion that if i didn't finish the novel by the end of this class i never would.
well. WELL. yeah, not so much finished. but i feel pretty damn good about it. which is a damn sight better than i was feeling back in september about this whole thing. so i'm not giving up on my novel, just yet. the class helped me get a really clear vision of what i want/need to happen. i also found out a lot about my character that i didn't know at the start of class (some day i'll write a blog: inside the mind of a writer. . . but for now i would rather stay outside a mental ward & unmedicated, thank you very much!).
i actually feel, just a wee bit, at peace with my writing right now. it's a good place.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
the girl who knows it all
on friday october 12th the official word went out at work that i was given the newest QA (quality assurance) position at work. so i went from being a phone rep to being a QA. now instead of just being the girl who thinks she knows it all, they've officially made me the girl who really does know it all.
yeah.
SCARY.
don't get me wrong, it's awesome, but frightening at the same time too. i started my new position monday november 5th, so i've been doing it for about a month now. & so far so good.
basically being a QA involves two main components: doing call evaluations & manning a helpline. my helpline just officially opened last week, so i haven't been doing that too long. i'm the only QA for a select group of reps, so i have a separate helpline from the other QAs. yeah, no pressure there ; )
as for the evaluations, those are pretty easy to do. in a way it's a lot like when i was teaching. we have a rubric that phone reps are given that tells them what they need to do in order for the call to be perfect, just like when i was a teacher i gave my students rubrics letting them know what they had to do on their paper/project to get a perfect score. in theory everyone could always get perfect scores. doesn't happen, but in theory.
there are a couple things that i really love about my new job: i'm salaried so i have more flexibility in my hours & i like the fact that i'm able to help other reps with their issues. i like not being tied to a phone for every second of my day (just my helpline hours). i also like being able to help the other reps become more knowledgeable. i also get to help in the training classes with the newbies. which is really uber awesome.
so, as far as my work goes, that's the latest 411 from beckah world. exciting stuff, eh? i'll update on the other stuff soon. three blogs for one day is a lot :)
yeah.
SCARY.
don't get me wrong, it's awesome, but frightening at the same time too. i started my new position monday november 5th, so i've been doing it for about a month now. & so far so good.
basically being a QA involves two main components: doing call evaluations & manning a helpline. my helpline just officially opened last week, so i haven't been doing that too long. i'm the only QA for a select group of reps, so i have a separate helpline from the other QAs. yeah, no pressure there ; )
as for the evaluations, those are pretty easy to do. in a way it's a lot like when i was teaching. we have a rubric that phone reps are given that tells them what they need to do in order for the call to be perfect, just like when i was a teacher i gave my students rubrics letting them know what they had to do on their paper/project to get a perfect score. in theory everyone could always get perfect scores. doesn't happen, but in theory.
there are a couple things that i really love about my new job: i'm salaried so i have more flexibility in my hours & i like the fact that i'm able to help other reps with their issues. i like not being tied to a phone for every second of my day (just my helpline hours). i also like being able to help the other reps become more knowledgeable. i also get to help in the training classes with the newbies. which is really uber awesome.
so, as far as my work goes, that's the latest 411 from beckah world. exciting stuff, eh? i'll update on the other stuff soon. three blogs for one day is a lot :)
thought of the week: october 14-20 (late entry)
i've been away for so long (so long), i let you go for so long, it's a nice day to start again (come on), it's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again, (pick it up), take me back home, there is nothin' fair in this world, there is nothin' safe in this world, and there is nothin' sure in this world, and there is nothin' pure in this world, look for something left in this world, start again, come on
billy idol, white wedding
so, my older sister paulette got married on saturday october 20th in litchfield, connecticut. i was there along with my parents. some of paulette's family from her mother's side was there also, two of her aunts, two of her uncles, & her cousin. (for those not up to date on the beckah geneology, paulette has a different mom than i do, she's my dad's youngest daughter from his first marriage). it was a really beautiful wedding at a gorgeous location with lots of great food, free wine tastings, & lots of swag. you have to love east coast weddings.
i picked this quote for two reasons: the first being that paulette's older sister used to tell her that she always thought of paulette when she heard this song (they really WERE children of the 80's, paulette 7 years older than me & her sister 9 years older). the second reason is that when reading the lyrics they seemed oddly appropriate. & here are the reasons why, lyric line by lyric line:
~i've been away for so long (so long)
true story. when i pulled into paulette's driveway on wednesday the 17th it had been over four years since i'd seen her. the last time i had been out east to see her was right after her son died (the one who inspired my dragonfly tattoo)
~i let you go for so long
once again. true story. non fiction. i had let go of her. i was too wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, &, in a way, i feel guilty because i wonder if i did abandon her when she needed me the most. it's not like i came back to mn in the fall of 2003 & never called her again, cause i did call her. but while i was dealing with breaking up with TSSOB, redefining my life & bridesmaid-ing for tina, paulette was left with an empty house & her own SOB (logan's daddy was not nice). & eventually, over the months, she moved & i couldn't find her. i had to wait for her to get in touch with me. we actually didn't talk for probably well over a year, almost two years actually. & that makes me sad. really frickin sad. i missed her.
~it's a nice day to start again
& once again: true true story. it was a gorgeous day in connecticut on satruday the 20th. it started off a wee bit over cast, a little gloomy, but that didn't last long. she had an evening wedding & by the time it was time for her to leave the house the weather was perfect. gorgeous fall colors everywhere we looked. the sky was clear with just a few poofy little clouds. & on the way to the vineyard for the wedding i actually saw a rainbow. & not just a faint section, but we could see the whole rainbow over litchfield. wicked cool.
~take me back home
now, i'm not delusional, & i know paulette will never move back home to minnesota, but there's something about seeing her again that feels like home. i won't pretend that she & i were extremely close when i was growing up, 'cause we weren't. she is 7 years older than me, which can be a big age difference when it's 7 and 14. there were other mitigating circumstances too. but the point is, going to see her, be there for her wedding, it's taking me back to an emotional home, that i've really missed.
~there is nothin' sure in this world, there is nothin' pure in this world
ok, pessimistic view, thanks billy, but it's also kind of true. there isn't really much that you can count on besides yourself. friends & family will, usually if they're worth a damn, will do their best to do right by you, i mean, they won't deliberately screw you, once again, if they're worth anything as friends/family. now this has less to do with paulette & her wedding & more to do with me in general in my life. & i'm sure i'll go into this more in an upcoming post: but people in general can be major asses. & i've recently learned the hard way to keep more to myself & to not trust people further than i can throw them. & i can't throw most mother fuckers very far.
~look for something left in this world, start again
& this is what i'm trying to do. i think it's what we're all trying to do in a way. & there's not really much more i want to say at this point about this.
so, we'll call this done.
the oddest damn case of insomnia
so gang, i've been suffering from the oddest case of insomnia. for the past couple of days i haven't slept a single night straight through.
it started this past week, it was wednesday night, well, technically thursday morning. i work up thursday at a little before 5am. for no reason. no alarm, nothing. just dead asleep one second & then the widest of wide awake the next.
my first reaction, while staring at my ceiling in the dark was:
FUCK!
FUUUUCK!
I got up, went to the bathroom, crawled back into bed, curled up in the most comfiest bed in the world, and tried to go back to sleep.
NO DICE.
so i did what any insane girl living in minnesota would do at 5 in the morning when she can't sleep: i packed my bag for work, got dressed, went to the Y for an early morning workout, and then went to work.
of course.
my sleep has been pretty fragmented since then. i've been sleeping in small few hour at a time segments since then. saturday morning i woke up somewhere around 4:30-ish am, ok, PARTLY cause a boy from OZ (australia) called me & hung up after like a nanosecond cause he thought i was asleep. but even without that call, i would have been up much earlier than i intended.
& now, i'm typing this at almost half past five am. i've been awake for about an hour and a half. for no good reason. just am.
what do we say boys & girls?
yup:
FUUCK!
this sucks.
maybe it's the universe's way of telling me to use the quiet morning hours to work out? or better yet, write?
so if you're bored at 4:30am. call me. i'm probably awake already.
it started this past week, it was wednesday night, well, technically thursday morning. i work up thursday at a little before 5am. for no reason. no alarm, nothing. just dead asleep one second & then the widest of wide awake the next.
my first reaction, while staring at my ceiling in the dark was:
FUCK!
FUUUUCK!
I got up, went to the bathroom, crawled back into bed, curled up in the most comfiest bed in the world, and tried to go back to sleep.
NO DICE.
so i did what any insane girl living in minnesota would do at 5 in the morning when she can't sleep: i packed my bag for work, got dressed, went to the Y for an early morning workout, and then went to work.
of course.
my sleep has been pretty fragmented since then. i've been sleeping in small few hour at a time segments since then. saturday morning i woke up somewhere around 4:30-ish am, ok, PARTLY cause a boy from OZ (australia) called me & hung up after like a nanosecond cause he thought i was asleep. but even without that call, i would have been up much earlier than i intended.
& now, i'm typing this at almost half past five am. i've been awake for about an hour and a half. for no good reason. just am.
what do we say boys & girls?
yup:
FUUCK!
this sucks.
maybe it's the universe's way of telling me to use the quiet morning hours to work out? or better yet, write?
so if you're bored at 4:30am. call me. i'm probably awake already.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
yes, i am bragging
so, i am posting this blog from the group home via my iphone. i won't post like this very often cause touch screen typing can take me a while. but had to try it & see if I could & i can & that makes me a happy panda!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
bring the boys to the cities!
attention everyone!
number one fan is doing a farewell tour & to get them to come to the twin cites we need to request them! so please, click the link & bring the boys here. these guys are phenomenal. look them up on myspace or go out & buy their cd!
number one fan is doing a farewell tour & to get them to come to the twin cites we need to request them! so please, click the link & bring the boys here. these guys are phenomenal. look them up on myspace or go out & buy their cd!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
OKAY!
so i'm super freaking lame.
i've come to terms with this.
i know it was BEFORE my sister's wedding that i wrote anything substantial. & i feel i need to do so soon, i miss my blog, & i think my blog misses me.
here's the cliff notes version of my life in the last month:
~got a new car
~got promoted at work
~went to ct for my sister's wedding
~had lots of family drama in ct
~had LOTS OF BOY DRAMA back home in mn
~started nanowrimo
doesn't seem like much when i type it all out like that. but it's been very all consuming. i am still planning on doing my thought of the week segments. & plan on catching up on the past ones. how many is it now? one million? *winks* but. i miss blogging. a lot.
so harass me with comments when i get lazy.
is anyone still out there?
bueller?
bueller?
i've come to terms with this.
i know it was BEFORE my sister's wedding that i wrote anything substantial. & i feel i need to do so soon, i miss my blog, & i think my blog misses me.
here's the cliff notes version of my life in the last month:
~got a new car
~got promoted at work
~went to ct for my sister's wedding
~had lots of family drama in ct
~had LOTS OF BOY DRAMA back home in mn
~started nanowrimo
doesn't seem like much when i type it all out like that. but it's been very all consuming. i am still planning on doing my thought of the week segments. & plan on catching up on the past ones. how many is it now? one million? *winks* but. i miss blogging. a lot.
so harass me with comments when i get lazy.
is anyone still out there?
bueller?
bueller?
Friday, November 16, 2007
more work inappropriateness
once again, i /heart my friends! this was created for me by a friend who's moving on to a new job *tear* but she wanted to leave a little something to remember her by. & YES, once again, my friends are so work inappropriate, but i LOVE them for it!
now. there is a story as to why she drew me a pole dancing snow person. my new cube has a big frickin pole between my cube & my neighbor's cube, so we've been nicknamed the pole dancers of the team. awesome, eh? &, then there's the fact that i do have a pink feather boa in my cube just because, well, it's fun.
& YES, that is a snow man waving a dollar bill down in the "pit" for our lady in pink. . . ever seen a snow person in fishnets before?
Thursday, November 08, 2007
this says it all, yo
my friends are wholly inappropriate, even at work,
which is why we get along so well.
with that said: this pretty well sums up my life right now.
interpret that however you will.
i know i do.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
happy halloween!
i hope everyone had a great halloween. i wasn't able to post yesterday, but here's some pics of me in my costume & then me with my new ear piercing. cheers!
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