thought of the week: october 14-20 (late entry)

i've been away for so long (so long), i let you go for so long, it's a nice day to start again (come on), it's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again, (pick it up), take me back home, there is nothin' fair in this world, there is nothin' safe in this world, and there is nothin' sure in this world, and there is nothin' pure in this world, look for something left in this world, start again, come on

billy idol, white wedding

so, my older sister paulette got married on saturday october 20th in litchfield, connecticut. i was there along with my parents. some of paulette's family from her mother's side was there also, two of her aunts, two of her uncles, & her cousin. (for those not up to date on the beckah geneology, paulette has a different mom than i do, she's my dad's youngest daughter from his first marriage). it was a really beautiful wedding at a gorgeous location with lots of great food, free wine tastings, & lots of swag. you have to love east coast weddings.

i picked this quote for two reasons: the first being that paulette's older sister used to tell her that she always thought of paulette when she heard this song (they really WERE children of the 80's, paulette 7 years older than me & her sister 9 years older). the second reason is that when reading the lyrics they seemed oddly appropriate. & here are the reasons why, lyric line by lyric line:

~i've been away for so long (so long)

true story. when i pulled into paulette's driveway on wednesday the 17th it had been over four years since i'd seen her. the last time i had been out east to see her was right after her son died (the one who inspired my dragonfly tattoo)

~i let you go for so long

once again. true story. non fiction. i had let go of her. i was too wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, &, in a way, i feel guilty because i wonder if i did abandon her when she needed me the most. it's not like i came back to mn in the fall of 2003 & never called her again, cause i did call her. but while i was dealing with breaking up with TSSOB, redefining my life & bridesmaid-ing for tina, paulette was left with an empty house & her own SOB (logan's daddy was not nice). & eventually, over the months, she moved & i couldn't find her. i had to wait for her to get in touch with me. we actually didn't talk for probably well over a year, almost two years actually. & that makes me sad. really frickin sad. i missed her.

~it's a nice day to start again

& once again: true true story. it was a gorgeous day in connecticut on satruday the 20th. it started off a wee bit over cast, a little gloomy, but that didn't last long. she had an evening wedding & by the time it was time for her to leave the house the weather was perfect. gorgeous fall colors everywhere we looked. the sky was clear with just a few poofy little clouds. & on the way to the vineyard for the wedding i actually saw a rainbow. & not just a faint section, but we could see the whole rainbow over litchfield. wicked cool.

~take me back home
now, i'm not delusional, & i know paulette will never move back home to minnesota, but there's something about seeing her again that feels like home. i won't pretend that she & i were extremely close when i was growing up, 'cause we weren't. she is 7 years older than me, which can be a big age difference when it's 7 and 14. there were other mitigating circumstances too. but the point is, going to see her, be there for her wedding, it's taking me back to an emotional home, that i've really missed.

~there is nothin' sure in this world, there is nothin' pure in this world
ok, pessimistic view, thanks billy, but it's also kind of true. there isn't really much that you can count on besides yourself. friends & family will, usually if they're worth a damn, will do their best to do right by you, i mean, they won't deliberately screw you, once again, if they're worth anything as friends/family. now this has less to do with paulette & her wedding & more to do with me in general in my life. & i'm sure i'll go into this more in an upcoming post: but people in general can be major asses. & i've recently learned the hard way to keep more to myself & to not trust people further than i can throw them. & i can't throw most mother fuckers very far.

~look for something left in this world, start again
& this is what i'm trying to do. i think it's what we're all trying to do in a way. & there's not really much more i want to say at this point about this.

so, we'll call this done.