courage & bravery

a lot is going on right now in my life. not like a lot isn't going on in every one's life, but right now, the past couple weeks, and the next couple months are going to be very hectic. already 2008 has been filled with so many ups & downs i really can't keep track of it, & i'd really rather have the rum without the honey, or the pickled rattlesnake (ok all you movie fans, name THAT obscure reference).

one thing that i want to do, though i didn't officially write it down in my 2008 goals, is to be a braver person. to be more courageous, even when it's tough to do. even when i run a very big risk of getting hurt. it's really easy to put on a bravado when you're fairly confident that whatever you're up against will go your way. but it's a whole lot harder when you're unsure. when you're pretty confident you're going to get hurt. or fail, or whatever the outcome may be. when you're not 100% that you're going to succeed it can be so much harder to put yourself out on the line.

& not even one week into the new year & already this is something that i'm doing in spades. i know i'm being fairly oblique right now, & i'm not doing so purposefully by any means, but there are certain things i'm not yet ready to put into blog-land. & other things that i know i won't be putting into blog land.

& once again, not even one week into the new year & i put myself out on a limb, in a very scary way for me, in a situation that didn't end up the best possible resolution. or, didn't end up the way i had hoped, it still wasn't horrible. & actually i'm happy i did it. of course, not happy things didn't go the way i had been hoping, but in spite of being a bit of a princess, i know that i can't always have things my way.

life is not burger king.

& yeah, disappointment can smart a little. or a lot. more than a mosquito bite, less than a bee sting, maybe? just depending. but i'm also really trying to take my own advice that i put on my blog on the first of : . . . taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. maybe at this exact moment in time i'm still a little too close to really be so fucking philosophical. cause things are still pretty fresh on one front.

but, on the other hand. my dad raised me to bounce back. shake it off. & do my absolute damnedest never to show any weakness. i'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. it really just is what it is (& yes the language police will be coming after me for using such a trite overused phrase).

& at the very end of the day i just remember: i'm a writer. it's my passion. my joy. my soul. & anything i encounter: good, bad or indifferent is something i can use later in my novel, or a poem, or in some way to help make me that better at what i do. so it can't be all bad, right? it really is true that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger (if the language police are on their way may as well make it a god one, eh?).

not even a week in & i'm already doing scary brave things. 2008 will be a great year. & you can quote me on that.

2008 goals/resolutions

overall i'm not a big one for "new year's resolutions" anymore, because i think it's just a way of saying "make all these grand huge life changing plans because it's the first of the year not because you want to actually change anything." & while i am putting together these at the beginning of the year, i'm doing it because i want to, because these are things that i have been trying to do already, but i'm just formalizing my desire to make the changes.

i was rather fond of the five "f" categories, from last year, as noted in my blog of a few days past, so i'll do the same thing this time. the following are my goals for 2008. & i plan on checking in quarterly just to give a progress update & keep myself accountable. some of these i'm "ripping" off from '07 because i'm not yet as far along with those changes as i'd like to be.

i will make one "resolution" that doesn't really fit into any of these categories, & that is: to be the best possible person that i can, taking from each experience knowledge & lessons to help me in my future endeavors, not dwelling on the unpleasant, but rather looking with hope & anticipation of things to come. this is something i strive for each day anyway in my life, just because i'm that kind of person, but i also think it helps sometimes to put something in writing & declare it to the whole world.

fitness
~be able to do 10 real push ups
~work out an average of 45 minutes a day at least 3 days a week
~start rollerblading again this spring/summer

finance
~put money into my savings with every check
~stop shopping as a hobby
~get my CD(s) to $4,000

future
~graduate from my MFA program
~submit to at least 5 publications
~create plans for the next year, five years, ten years

fun
~end the year with ZERO regrets (i did accomplish this in '07, but i think it's a great goal in general)
~take a road trip somewhere new
~do at least one fun/relaxing/recreational activity each week. . .even when i'm working the weekend at the group home

focus
~complete NaNoWriMo
~write everyday on one of my projects
~work up to meditating every day by year's end