it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy, cuz every now and then i kick the living shit out of me
lit, my own worst enemy
sometimes i am my own worst enemy, i know that. & it's been pretty true in the past, but it's also something that i've worked hard to rectify in recent years. i know i'm kind of a weird girl in that i have been able to have physical relationships with guy friends & remain friends. not like i make a habit of sleeping with my friends, i'm really making myself sound worse than i am, but it's something that i've done in the past. i guess i always took a different view on it & i saw it as a good thing that after the physical relationship was done i was able to remain friends with my former lovers. i've always said that i'm unlike most girls out there. & i'm now starting to believe that i'm really unlike most people in general.
last night i got into a pretty heated argument with a guy because he has issues with the fact that i am still friends with former lovers & that there has been one that i've been with somewhat recently. my friend/former lover & i both know there is no chance of a relationship between us ever & we're both ok with that. we have a really awesome friendship. we can hang out & not be physical, but when we are it's satisfying for both of us & there's not guilt or complications or issues. so this guy i was talking to on the phone last night, we've been out a couple times & he basically told me that if there is a chance for a relationship between us that i would need to agree to never be alone or go out with my male friends that i've slept with. as in i couldn't even go to perkins for coffee. i retorted by saying no one will ever tell me who i can & can't be friends with.
i can understand a guy not wanting me to go hot tubbing with a former lover, or go away for a snowboarding weekend, or go to vegas, but perkins for coffee? the more i think about it the madder it makes me. seriously furious gang. when i am in a relationship with someone i am the most loyal person ever, more loyal than a german shepherd. right now i'm not in a relationship with anyone so the only person i really owe my loyalty to is myself.
after the phone argument i talked with a few of my friends about all of this & my friends consensus was basically: fuck him. if you're not even dating him exclusively & he's already trying to put limitations on your life & control you this will be a bad thing. now that's a composite of what i heard from a couple different friends, & some had a more eloquent way of saying it, but that was the basic sentiment. & it's not like i want to keep any kind of physical relationship with my friends when i'm dating someone, but i want to still be friends. in the past when i've ignored my friends relationship advice i've been burned. think i'm going to listen this time.
as for the quote, it had been suggested to me that maybe i'm being a bit self destructive. i don't think i'm being self destructive by remaining friends with former lovers. but since my surgery i haven't taken the best care of myself. i need to force myself to drink more water, make sure i'm having three meals a day, getting in all my vitamins, & getting enough sleep. i also have a long history of trying to do too much at once & stretching myself too thin. in that way i really am my own worst enemy. but i'm working on a truce.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
body check
after thinking about the reality of how much weight i've lost & after seeing jenn & crystal yesterday i started thinking about the differences that have been happening in my body. many of my clothes i still don't notice a huge difference in how they feel, but there are a few of my clothes, mainly shirts, that are becoming looser. i've also come to grips with the fact that i did previously wear most to all of my clothes pretty tight. not obscenely tight or anything, but i do lean towards fitted clothes when given a choice. i kinda think that comes from years of poor self image coupled with feeling like the ugly duckling with no chance of turning into a swan (i spent years wearing baggy clothes before they were made popular by rap) & then waking up one day & realizing i'm one sexy bi-atch & i shouldn't hide behind over-sized clothes.
one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.
my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.
there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.
it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.
one of the very first things i noticed, about two weeks ago, is that my knees knock together. when sleeping on my side the bones press into each other. even standing sometimes i can feel my knee joints knock against each other. this is a huge thing, i've never experienced it before in my life, well, probably when i was 7 before i started gaining weight, but who remembers those kind of details from when they were 7? i had no idea that i had fat knees before. maybe i didn't really have fat knees, maybe it's just there's less flesh above & below the knees. it's one i'll have to ponder more.
my wrists also seem to be getting smaller. i wear two bracelets on my left wrist & they slide further down my arm than they used to. i've actually become semi obsessed with my wrists & my hands lately. my wrists are SO tiny, i kind of can't believe that they're mine. obviously they are because they're attached to my arms. i know my wrists have always been small, i'm just now really noticing it. i've also been able to feel the bones in my hands. it's kinds of creepy & a little gross, but i can feel the bones through my skin when i run my fingers across the back of my hand.
there are other bones that i feel now that i hadn't previously felt: ribs, hips, shoulder joint, & jawbone. my clavicle is also more prominent now than it had been previously. now it's not like i spend my time feeling myself up or anything, it's just i've noticed these things by the everyday act of living in my body.
it has been pretty rough lately. i'm not going to sugar (or in my case, splenda) coat it at all. my recovery has been fucking rough as hell. but these little things i've noticed have helped me a lot.
& i know that these small differences are going to keep happening, one little thing at a time until a lot of big changes have happened.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
a week of doctor's appointments & medications
on monday i just wasn't feeling well so i called my clinic & begged to see my doctor. they managed to squeeze me in on wednesday. even though i had been on cipro since last tuesday, the night i went into urgent care, i just didn't feel like my urinary tract infection was recovering the way it should have. she ran some tests & confirmed what i figured. the good news is my UTI is no longer severe; it's been down graded to mild. the bad news is that in addition to the UTI i managed to get two more infections. jesus bobby. so another 7 day stint for the UTI, then a one dose antibiotic (yippee!), & then a 7 day stint on yet a third antibiotic because there isn't one that kills all three infections. i know. insane.
i had no problem with the one day antibiotic. it was one tiny pill, went down easy, no worries. the other pills have been, um, more difficult. the one for the UTI is a capsule, so pretty easy to swallow, but it is incredibly huge (i'll have to take some pictures, these are the biggest capsules i have ever seen in my life). the kicker is that i have to take it with food. so i have to take the pill with a small sip of water & then eat right away. the other antibiotic is the devil in the form of a pill, i swear to god. this one is also huge, it completely covers the pink part of my fingernail. it's a white tablet (once again, i need to get a picture, biggest tablet i have EVER seen in my life. . .& i handle medications at the group home so i've seen LOTS of meds!). the pill isn't coated & tastes horrible. not only is it the biggest pill on earth it is the nastiest tasting pill ever created. the pharmacist also said it can cause upset stomach so to take it with food. yeah, cause that'll work well.
wednesday night i took the capsule then the tablet then tried to eat & wound up vomiting. somehow i managed to keep the tablet down but lost the capsule. fabulous. thursday was a good day in that i was able to keep my pills down, both morning & night doses. but yesterday was not good at all. the second dose of the tablet didn't go well at all. it upset my stomach so bad that i threw up my dinner & kept gagging & retching until i threw up the entire tablet. not to be overly graphic, but i have never puked that hard in my entire life. i actually threw up so violently that i managed to burst blood vessels in my face around my eyes (above my eyes right under my eye brows & then under my eyes are dotted with small red bruises from the burst vessels). this morning i decided "fuck it" i'll take the capsule, call my doctor's office monday morning & find out if there is ANY other option to the tablet. it is just making me much too sick for me to keep taking it. i have to get my nausea under control & it's really aggravating my
system way too much.
yesterday morning, before the pill incident, i had two follow up appointments at HCMC. one with the internal medicine doctor & one with the dietician. those appointments went ok, but just driving out to minneapolis completely wore me out, not to mention the back to back appointments. the internal medicine dr was concerned about my nausea & lack of energy. he ordered a blood draw to see if they could indicate anything to point to my extreme fatigue.
the dietician is concerned because sometimes the nausea is causing me to skip meals. she wants me to have some slim fast or milk or another liquid meal if i can't eat. even though i'm supposed to be completely on solid foods & off of calorie liquids, she said it's really important for me to make sure i'm getting enough calories in. because i'm not eating any meat yet she also gave me some protein mixes & gave me some tips on how to get more protein into my diet. i really don't want to wind up with a protein deficiency. that would really really suck.
because i was so sick & this was my one month follow up they want to see me back again in a month. normally i'd be at the point where i wouldn't need to see them again until three months from now. i had kind of been telling myself that everyone has a rough time of it & i'm having a normal level of difficult. obviously i've been lying to myself. lying like a cheap rug. the truth is i'm having a much rougher recovery than most people. it sucks, but i'm glad to know that i'm not just being a whiny little bitch.
on the upside, my weight is at 229 according to HCMC (yesterday my home scale said 225). my BMI is officially under 40 which means i'm no longer considered morbidly obese, i'm now simply obese. who knew i'd be happy to be considered obese? but the most exciting news is that when i weighed myself this morning at home my weight was 222. why is this so significant? at my highest weight i was 323. so i've now officially lost over 100 pounds! 101 to be exact! while the surgery has contributed to that quite a bit, i had lost & kept off a little over 60 lbs on my own. it is such a monumental moment for me. according to HCMC i have a ways to go yet, they've figured my ideal weight to be around 137, but all of this is really now virgin territory to me. the lowest i'd ever been in my adult life was 229 prior to this. other than that, the lowest weight i remember being was 180 when i was 14.
i'm still not sure that i feel like i've lost that much weight. i still can't really tell the difference in my clothes, which makes me wonder if i was just wearing everything really fucking tight before. but other people can see the difference. jenn & crystal took me to trader joe's today (field trip!) & they both said they could see the difference. it's nice to get the external validation from other people. i'm sure in the weeks to come i'll see the differences myself. & i'll get some updated pics taken to post here.
i had no problem with the one day antibiotic. it was one tiny pill, went down easy, no worries. the other pills have been, um, more difficult. the one for the UTI is a capsule, so pretty easy to swallow, but it is incredibly huge (i'll have to take some pictures, these are the biggest capsules i have ever seen in my life). the kicker is that i have to take it with food. so i have to take the pill with a small sip of water & then eat right away. the other antibiotic is the devil in the form of a pill, i swear to god. this one is also huge, it completely covers the pink part of my fingernail. it's a white tablet (once again, i need to get a picture, biggest tablet i have EVER seen in my life. . .& i handle medications at the group home so i've seen LOTS of meds!). the pill isn't coated & tastes horrible. not only is it the biggest pill on earth it is the nastiest tasting pill ever created. the pharmacist also said it can cause upset stomach so to take it with food. yeah, cause that'll work well.
wednesday night i took the capsule then the tablet then tried to eat & wound up vomiting. somehow i managed to keep the tablet down but lost the capsule. fabulous. thursday was a good day in that i was able to keep my pills down, both morning & night doses. but yesterday was not good at all. the second dose of the tablet didn't go well at all. it upset my stomach so bad that i threw up my dinner & kept gagging & retching until i threw up the entire tablet. not to be overly graphic, but i have never puked that hard in my entire life. i actually threw up so violently that i managed to burst blood vessels in my face around my eyes (above my eyes right under my eye brows & then under my eyes are dotted with small red bruises from the burst vessels). this morning i decided "fuck it" i'll take the capsule, call my doctor's office monday morning & find out if there is ANY other option to the tablet. it is just making me much too sick for me to keep taking it. i have to get my nausea under control & it's really aggravating my
system way too much.
yesterday morning, before the pill incident, i had two follow up appointments at HCMC. one with the internal medicine doctor & one with the dietician. those appointments went ok, but just driving out to minneapolis completely wore me out, not to mention the back to back appointments. the internal medicine dr was concerned about my nausea & lack of energy. he ordered a blood draw to see if they could indicate anything to point to my extreme fatigue.
the dietician is concerned because sometimes the nausea is causing me to skip meals. she wants me to have some slim fast or milk or another liquid meal if i can't eat. even though i'm supposed to be completely on solid foods & off of calorie liquids, she said it's really important for me to make sure i'm getting enough calories in. because i'm not eating any meat yet she also gave me some protein mixes & gave me some tips on how to get more protein into my diet. i really don't want to wind up with a protein deficiency. that would really really suck.
because i was so sick & this was my one month follow up they want to see me back again in a month. normally i'd be at the point where i wouldn't need to see them again until three months from now. i had kind of been telling myself that everyone has a rough time of it & i'm having a normal level of difficult. obviously i've been lying to myself. lying like a cheap rug. the truth is i'm having a much rougher recovery than most people. it sucks, but i'm glad to know that i'm not just being a whiny little bitch.
on the upside, my weight is at 229 according to HCMC (yesterday my home scale said 225). my BMI is officially under 40 which means i'm no longer considered morbidly obese, i'm now simply obese. who knew i'd be happy to be considered obese? but the most exciting news is that when i weighed myself this morning at home my weight was 222. why is this so significant? at my highest weight i was 323. so i've now officially lost over 100 pounds! 101 to be exact! while the surgery has contributed to that quite a bit, i had lost & kept off a little over 60 lbs on my own. it is such a monumental moment for me. according to HCMC i have a ways to go yet, they've figured my ideal weight to be around 137, but all of this is really now virgin territory to me. the lowest i'd ever been in my adult life was 229 prior to this. other than that, the lowest weight i remember being was 180 when i was 14.
i'm still not sure that i feel like i've lost that much weight. i still can't really tell the difference in my clothes, which makes me wonder if i was just wearing everything really fucking tight before. but other people can see the difference. jenn & crystal took me to trader joe's today (field trip!) & they both said they could see the difference. it's nice to get the external validation from other people. i'm sure in the weeks to come i'll see the differences myself. & i'll get some updated pics taken to post here.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
staying home
i'm lonely. frustratingly lonely. staying home really bites. my life is in this horrible limbo right now that consists of bad day time tv, crippling nausea, & dehydration. i spent this past weekend at my parents' house just because it was a change of pace. i know that everyone else still has to work & keep going with their lives. i'm not so horribly vain to think that the world really DOES revolve around me. but it's hard to keep emailing, calling, IM-ing, & texting with no response. i'm starting to feel like maybe i should just tuck into my apartment & wait out the last week & a half of my medical leave.
i've contemplated trying to go back earlier, but i'm still incredibly weak. it's actually quite amazing how weak i am right now. & since i went to the doctor & extended my leave i need to relax & rest & do my best to feel better. i can't head back to work early just because i'm bored & lonely.
honest, i'm really trying hard not to bitch about about how i'm feeling because, like i keep reminding myself, i chose to do this. but it is hard. just drinking water is difficult. & i'm now a vegetarian, not by choice, my body just can't handle digesting meat yet. i tried chicken on monday & it was just ugly. i am such a carnivore it's seriously disturbing that i can't eat meat. *sighs* i know, it'll be worth it in the end. but today, lately even, has just been damn tough.
i've contemplated trying to go back earlier, but i'm still incredibly weak. it's actually quite amazing how weak i am right now. & since i went to the doctor & extended my leave i need to relax & rest & do my best to feel better. i can't head back to work early just because i'm bored & lonely.
honest, i'm really trying hard not to bitch about about how i'm feeling because, like i keep reminding myself, i chose to do this. but it is hard. just drinking water is difficult. & i'm now a vegetarian, not by choice, my body just can't handle digesting meat yet. i tried chicken on monday & it was just ugly. i am such a carnivore it's seriously disturbing that i can't eat meat. *sighs* i know, it'll be worth it in the end. but today, lately even, has just been damn tough.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
featured comic from xkcd
this is too sweet (& where's the person who will say this to me?!):
[this comic can be found here at xkcd]
[this comic can be found here at xkcd]
Monday, March 03, 2008
three weeks out of surgery: faqs
my surgery was three weeks ago today & i've come to realize that a lot of people have the same questions about my life now, the surgery, & what will come for me as i continue to live with this change. somethings i have answers to, but others i don't yet have the answers, but i know they'll come eventually.
will you ever be able to eat normally again?
~that depends on the definition of "normal." will i ever be able to get my money's worth at an all you can eat buffet? no. will i ever be able to eat a wide variety of food again? yes. right now while my body is still healing from surgery i am on a somewhat limited diet. when i was sent home from the hospital i was on a liquid diet for a week, & now i'm on a softer diet, slowing adding in new foods as i can tolerate them. i currently eat 1/2 cup of food three times a day. my dietician said that i will eventually eat up to 1 cup of food at each meal.
how much weight have you lost?
~i know that when people ask this question they mean "how much weight have you lost[since your surgery]?" but because i'm me & difficult i like to break it up. so this morning i weighed in at 227. at my highest weight i was 323. since my highest weight i've lost 96 lbs. since i started the liquid diet i've lost exactly 30 lbs. since my surgery i've lost 15 lbs. this is all on my home scale. i go back to HCMC on friday for some follow up appointments, so i'll have some "official" numbers then.
will you have loose skin?
~honestly, i have no idea. & the doctors have no idea. because i've been obese, ok, technically morbidly obese, for so long it is fairly likely. but the human body is also wonderful at adapting, & as i lose weight my skin should "tighten up" a bit too. & then of course exercising will also help too. but overall this is one of those things that i will just need to do a wait&see on.
will you still be able to have kids?
~in a word: yes. i need to wait until my weight stabilizes. the official word from the surgeon's office i need to wait at least 18 months. now, it's not like i have anyone waiting with baited breath to impregnate me, but it's still good to know i have to wait that long, for my health & the baby's health.
would you recommend this surgery to someone else?
~this is a tricky question because the decision to have weight loss surgery is SO personal. i would never tell someone they should or shouldn't have the surgery because each person needs to make that decision on their own because no one else lives in their body. if anyone i know is interested in having gastric bypass i am more than willing to talk to them about my experience & answer any questions that i can. for me this was the right choice.
i tried to cover all of the questions that i've been asked frequently about the surgery, but if there's a question i forgot to answer, please ask & i'll answer it.
will you ever be able to eat normally again?
~that depends on the definition of "normal." will i ever be able to get my money's worth at an all you can eat buffet? no. will i ever be able to eat a wide variety of food again? yes. right now while my body is still healing from surgery i am on a somewhat limited diet. when i was sent home from the hospital i was on a liquid diet for a week, & now i'm on a softer diet, slowing adding in new foods as i can tolerate them. i currently eat 1/2 cup of food three times a day. my dietician said that i will eventually eat up to 1 cup of food at each meal.
how much weight have you lost?
~i know that when people ask this question they mean "how much weight have you lost[since your surgery]?" but because i'm me & difficult i like to break it up. so this morning i weighed in at 227. at my highest weight i was 323. since my highest weight i've lost 96 lbs. since i started the liquid diet i've lost exactly 30 lbs. since my surgery i've lost 15 lbs. this is all on my home scale. i go back to HCMC on friday for some follow up appointments, so i'll have some "official" numbers then.
will you have loose skin?
~honestly, i have no idea. & the doctors have no idea. because i've been obese, ok, technically morbidly obese, for so long it is fairly likely. but the human body is also wonderful at adapting, & as i lose weight my skin should "tighten up" a bit too. & then of course exercising will also help too. but overall this is one of those things that i will just need to do a wait&see on.
will you still be able to have kids?
~in a word: yes. i need to wait until my weight stabilizes. the official word from the surgeon's office i need to wait at least 18 months. now, it's not like i have anyone waiting with baited breath to impregnate me, but it's still good to know i have to wait that long, for my health & the baby's health.
would you recommend this surgery to someone else?
~this is a tricky question because the decision to have weight loss surgery is SO personal. i would never tell someone they should or shouldn't have the surgery because each person needs to make that decision on their own because no one else lives in their body. if anyone i know is interested in having gastric bypass i am more than willing to talk to them about my experience & answer any questions that i can. for me this was the right choice.
i tried to cover all of the questions that i've been asked frequently about the surgery, but if there's a question i forgot to answer, please ask & i'll answer it.
Friday, February 29, 2008
so much for being a super hero
i made it exactly one day back at work & i'm back out on medical leave again. oh, who am i kidding, it wasn't even a whole day. i WORKED the whole day, but i was there barely an hour & i felt lousy & had people telling me, in a very nice work appropriate way that i looked like crap. awesome, eh? everyone from coworkers to my supervisor to my director to directors of OTHER departments & even the woman in human resources. it was also highly recommended that i leave early. of course, i stayed & did as much work as possible.
on tuesday night after work i did wind up in urgent care because i'm SO TALENTED that i managed to score myself a post-op UTI (urinary tract infection). not to be overly descriptive, but it felt like my bladder was filled with razor blades. & that morning i'd been up for an hour & a half having to pee every two minutes. LITERALLY every two minutes from 2:30am to 4am. the urgent care doc was lovely but told me that i have a very severe infection. awesome. i rock. but i did get some pretty frickin strong antibiotics, which is good.
but i went to HCMC wednesday morning & had an appointment with my surgeon. & i really did go back too soon. i WANTED to be super woman & go back strong after two weeks, but i just wasn't ready. i have been suffering from VERY intense & overwhelming nausea. basically pretty debilitating. on top of that i've been really weak. kinda sad, but weak to the point that i have a refill for my air freshner that i can't replace because i can't get the cap off. pathetic, i know. although, the nurse at the hospital had a pretty good point that with the nausea, my body still getting used to my new stomach, & a severe infection it's no wonder i felt like crap.
my medical leave has been extended to march 17th, so another two weeks basically past today, so another almost three weeks in total. if i feel better before the end of my leave i'll get medically cleared to go back early. but now that i've come to grips with the fact that i'm NOT back at work after two weeks i'm realizing how hard this really is on my body. i've taken an afternoon nap wednesday, thursday, & today. just trying to drink all my water, eat three meals a day, & just function really is exhausting. i know that sounds lame, but it really is.
to be honest, it's twenty to nine pm right now & i could go to sleep for the night right now & i just woke up a couple hours ago from a nap. i have talked to my doctor's office about the nausea & the exhaustion. they said that everyone's body is different & some people take longer to adjust. right now it is really just going to take some time. i also need to be very good to myself.
on tuesday night after work i did wind up in urgent care because i'm SO TALENTED that i managed to score myself a post-op UTI (urinary tract infection). not to be overly descriptive, but it felt like my bladder was filled with razor blades. & that morning i'd been up for an hour & a half having to pee every two minutes. LITERALLY every two minutes from 2:30am to 4am. the urgent care doc was lovely but told me that i have a very severe infection. awesome. i rock. but i did get some pretty frickin strong antibiotics, which is good.
but i went to HCMC wednesday morning & had an appointment with my surgeon. & i really did go back too soon. i WANTED to be super woman & go back strong after two weeks, but i just wasn't ready. i have been suffering from VERY intense & overwhelming nausea. basically pretty debilitating. on top of that i've been really weak. kinda sad, but weak to the point that i have a refill for my air freshner that i can't replace because i can't get the cap off. pathetic, i know. although, the nurse at the hospital had a pretty good point that with the nausea, my body still getting used to my new stomach, & a severe infection it's no wonder i felt like crap.
my medical leave has been extended to march 17th, so another two weeks basically past today, so another almost three weeks in total. if i feel better before the end of my leave i'll get medically cleared to go back early. but now that i've come to grips with the fact that i'm NOT back at work after two weeks i'm realizing how hard this really is on my body. i've taken an afternoon nap wednesday, thursday, & today. just trying to drink all my water, eat three meals a day, & just function really is exhausting. i know that sounds lame, but it really is.
to be honest, it's twenty to nine pm right now & i could go to sleep for the night right now & i just woke up a couple hours ago from a nap. i have talked to my doctor's office about the nausea & the exhaustion. they said that everyone's body is different & some people take longer to adjust. right now it is really just going to take some time. i also need to be very good to myself.
Monday, February 25, 2008
little rest for the wicked
so tomorrow it's back to work with my bad self. yeah, that time went pretty frickin fast. i kinda can't believe it myself. since i'm still not feeling completely better i really kinda don't want to go. i'll be completely upfront about that. i've had more than one person tell me i should try to extend my leave. & that taking only two weeks off work is crazy.
& i'll admit, yeah, it is sorta crazy. now that i'm faced with going back tomorrow i realize this is pretty mother fucking crazy. no two ways about that one. but i also feel that i can't really extend my leave. OK, if i really needed to, i probably could have. but it would have involved getting new paperwork from hcmc & getting that to work & then my team would have to pick up the slack on the work that i was assigned to do this week. & i just can't do that. if i would have originally taken three or four weeks then it would be one thing. but i would just feel really bad trying to extend it.
so yeah, lesson learned. if i ever know i'm having surgery in the future i'll plan my FMLA for a longer period of time & then i can always go back early. it's easier to change the dates that way than the other way. for the group home i'm supposed to go back in a few weeks. because that's lifting people & repositioning them i took more time. i have about five weeks off from there.
in the mean time i'm just going to do the best that i can each day. i'm not planning on doing anything in the evenings that i don't HAVE to do. this coming thursday will be a challenge. i'll be working all day & then i have class that night until 9pm. oy. wait. can i say that again? OY! i'm getting tired just thinking about that.
& i'll admit, yeah, it is sorta crazy. now that i'm faced with going back tomorrow i realize this is pretty mother fucking crazy. no two ways about that one. but i also feel that i can't really extend my leave. OK, if i really needed to, i probably could have. but it would have involved getting new paperwork from hcmc & getting that to work & then my team would have to pick up the slack on the work that i was assigned to do this week. & i just can't do that. if i would have originally taken three or four weeks then it would be one thing. but i would just feel really bad trying to extend it.
so yeah, lesson learned. if i ever know i'm having surgery in the future i'll plan my FMLA for a longer period of time & then i can always go back early. it's easier to change the dates that way than the other way. for the group home i'm supposed to go back in a few weeks. because that's lifting people & repositioning them i took more time. i have about five weeks off from there.
in the mean time i'm just going to do the best that i can each day. i'm not planning on doing anything in the evenings that i don't HAVE to do. this coming thursday will be a challenge. i'll be working all day & then i have class that night until 9pm. oy. wait. can i say that again? OY! i'm getting tired just thinking about that.
at least the girl has her priorities right (late posting)
~~so i started this on october 9th, 2007, just found it & realized i have to post it because, well, it's funny & so true of my life~~
on friday night i was just chilling at my apartment, watching house, eating some spinich linguine with seasoned chicken in a garlic alfredo sauce, just having a nice chillax night, which i was in desperate need of. my male roommate's smoke detector was beeping, as it has been for, oh, well over a month now. every minute, on the minute. a reminder to replace the battery. a reminder that has been ignored.
on friday night i was just chilling at my apartment, watching house, eating some spinich linguine with seasoned chicken in a garlic alfredo sauce, just having a nice chillax night, which i was in desperate need of. my male roommate's smoke detector was beeping, as it has been for, oh, well over a month now. every minute, on the minute. a reminder to replace the battery. a reminder that has been ignored.
beep.
beep.
beep.
then all of a sudden, a much louder more insistent beeping. more like, oh, an alarm. now for the briefest of moments i did actually think that my roommate's alarm had been ignored so long that it decided to be a bit more nosy. but i quickly realized that wasn't the case. yup, the alarm in the entire building went off. now i was having a pretty good time watching house, eating dinner, & i really didn't want to leave, but, i also couldn't really enjoy either of those things with the apartment sounding like i was in the middle of an air raid.
well, there was that & the fact that there was smoke in the hallway. so i decided getting out of the apartment would be the best course of action. now even though the alarm was going off & there was smoke in the hallway, i did take a moment to collect the things i absolutely couldn't live without, just in case the building was really going to burn to the ground. so i calmly, & yet with haste put my laptop, powercord, ipod, & cell phone in my backpack & the bag then on my back. only then did i make my way out of the building.
after quite a while the fire department gave us the go ahead to go back in the building. someone had burned, er, incinerated, er, tried to cremate a bag of popcorn in the microwave. so the hallway smelled just frickin terrific. but i was fairly pleased with myself that i did get myself & my important items out of the building. i'm sure not as quickly as the fire marshal would have liked, but out none the less. the bummer: cold food & i missed almost all of house.
then all of a sudden, a much louder more insistent beeping. more like, oh, an alarm. now for the briefest of moments i did actually think that my roommate's alarm had been ignored so long that it decided to be a bit more nosy. but i quickly realized that wasn't the case. yup, the alarm in the entire building went off. now i was having a pretty good time watching house, eating dinner, & i really didn't want to leave, but, i also couldn't really enjoy either of those things with the apartment sounding like i was in the middle of an air raid.
well, there was that & the fact that there was smoke in the hallway. so i decided getting out of the apartment would be the best course of action. now even though the alarm was going off & there was smoke in the hallway, i did take a moment to collect the things i absolutely couldn't live without, just in case the building was really going to burn to the ground. so i calmly, & yet with haste put my laptop, powercord, ipod, & cell phone in my backpack & the bag then on my back. only then did i make my way out of the building.
after quite a while the fire department gave us the go ahead to go back in the building. someone had burned, er, incinerated, er, tried to cremate a bag of popcorn in the microwave. so the hallway smelled just frickin terrific. but i was fairly pleased with myself that i did get myself & my important items out of the building. i'm sure not as quickly as the fire marshal would have liked, but out none the less. the bummer: cold food & i missed almost all of house.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
thought of the week: february 17th-23rd
i'm a bitch, i'm a tease, i'm a goddess on my knees, when you hurt, when you suffer, i'm your angel undercover, i've been numb, i'm revived, can't say i'm not alive, you know i wouldn't want it any other way
~meredith brooks, bitch
truer words have never been spoken about me. actually, for anyone who hasn't heard this song, the song in its entirety is very much a good explanation of me & my personality. there were actually several parts of this song that i almost pulled out to post, but i love these particular lines the most.
one of my favorite explanations is that i really AM a quintessential gemini. so i am a contradiction at times. i am a raging extrovert who is always flitting about work & talking to everyone & trying to get to know everyone. but sometimes i want nothing more than to tuck in on the couch at my apartment & curl up with my remote & just tell the world to fuck off for a while. i have a lot of confidence & i think very highly of myself, but not to the point that i can't see past the end of my nose. i always try to be VERY aware of my friends, their lives, & how they are doing & i'm always asking what i can do to help them.
i've had a lot of people telling me i'm going to change a lot now that i've had surgery. & i understand that there will be lots of things to change. the first of course being my physical body. but i've also been told that i most likely will have subtle changes to my personality. & i'm a bit afraid of that because i like who i am. i really don't want my personality to change at all. i like the fact that i have ego for three people, but also a deep compassion for others. i like being whimsical, as tina calls me. i like all my little ticks & habits & idiosyncrasies that make up me as a person. yeah, some people are probably annoyed by some of them (like the fact that i'm a blog whore & pimp by blog to all my friends) but i'm also ok with the fact that there are things about me that other people don't love whole heartedly. the world would be a very boring place if everyone loved 100% of everything about everyone they knew.
so here's praying that my personality doesn't change much. cause i like me. hell, i love me. that & the ghetto boo-tay. the votes are half & half on my butt. half say i'll lose it completely & half say the ass is genetic & it'll just get smaller. i'm hoping i keep my curvacious ass in a smaller size. hell, even white boys gotta shout on that one *winks*
~meredith brooks, bitch
truer words have never been spoken about me. actually, for anyone who hasn't heard this song, the song in its entirety is very much a good explanation of me & my personality. there were actually several parts of this song that i almost pulled out to post, but i love these particular lines the most.
one of my favorite explanations is that i really AM a quintessential gemini. so i am a contradiction at times. i am a raging extrovert who is always flitting about work & talking to everyone & trying to get to know everyone. but sometimes i want nothing more than to tuck in on the couch at my apartment & curl up with my remote & just tell the world to fuck off for a while. i have a lot of confidence & i think very highly of myself, but not to the point that i can't see past the end of my nose. i always try to be VERY aware of my friends, their lives, & how they are doing & i'm always asking what i can do to help them.
i've had a lot of people telling me i'm going to change a lot now that i've had surgery. & i understand that there will be lots of things to change. the first of course being my physical body. but i've also been told that i most likely will have subtle changes to my personality. & i'm a bit afraid of that because i like who i am. i really don't want my personality to change at all. i like the fact that i have ego for three people, but also a deep compassion for others. i like being whimsical, as tina calls me. i like all my little ticks & habits & idiosyncrasies that make up me as a person. yeah, some people are probably annoyed by some of them (like the fact that i'm a blog whore & pimp by blog to all my friends) but i'm also ok with the fact that there are things about me that other people don't love whole heartedly. the world would be a very boring place if everyone loved 100% of everything about everyone they knew.
so here's praying that my personality doesn't change much. cause i like me. hell, i love me. that & the ghetto boo-tay. the votes are half & half on my butt. half say i'll lose it completely & half say the ass is genetic & it'll just get smaller. i'm hoping i keep my curvacious ass in a smaller size. hell, even white boys gotta shout on that one *winks*
post-op follow up, weight check, & the like
i had my post-op follow up appointment on wednesday & i was cleared to head back to work on tuesday. according to hcmc my weight is at 240 lbs, which is about five down from surgery, so five down in nine days, not too bad at all. as far as my home scale goes, this morning it said 229.8, which is .8 lbs more than the lowest weight i have ever been, to my knowledge, as an adult. granted, there is also a few days between those numbers (on wednesday my home scale said 234.8, so it is a bit off from the doctor's office). that's pretty exciting, i will admit. i'm guessing that by the time i head back to work on tuesday i'll be lower than i've been in my adult life. the lowest i remember being as an adult is 229 even, so i'm really close to that.
it's a very trippy thing. especially since people are telling me i look a lot thinner, but i'm not feeling it. & it may be because i've been not feeling well most of this week. i have been struggling pretty hard core with intense nausea. i've been so nauseous that my iphone knows that word after i've entered "nau" & it suggests the word nauseous. there are a couple of possible causes for not feeling well. it could be i'm dehydrated, which, evidently can cause nausea. i had no idea on that one. or my body could be having a reaction to the vicodin. or could be i need to eat something (which i don't feel like doing because i feel like vomiting). it's also been suggested that my body is still getting over the anesthesia. or that my body is still in shock over the trauma of surgery.
i did talk to my doctor's office about it. they said the nausea is pretty common. recommended that i take vitamin b-1, so i've been doing that religiously. & then they said to do everything possible to get my 60 oz of water in everyday. which is SO much tougher than i ever imagined it would be. that is NOT that much water. especially for someone who would routinely drink a gallon a day. but pretty much every day i'm battling the urge to gag. it really blows. but i'm doing my best. i'm making sure to take my multivitamins & my calcium (the past couple days in the form of tums hoping that'll help).
i really had wanted to blog more while i had this time off work. but i just haven't been able to sit at my computer for too long because it just makes me sick. i've been doing a lot of laying on the couch with my eyes closed. which, i'm going to do now as soon as i post this.
it's a very trippy thing. especially since people are telling me i look a lot thinner, but i'm not feeling it. & it may be because i've been not feeling well most of this week. i have been struggling pretty hard core with intense nausea. i've been so nauseous that my iphone knows that word after i've entered "nau" & it suggests the word nauseous. there are a couple of possible causes for not feeling well. it could be i'm dehydrated, which, evidently can cause nausea. i had no idea on that one. or my body could be having a reaction to the vicodin. or could be i need to eat something (which i don't feel like doing because i feel like vomiting). it's also been suggested that my body is still getting over the anesthesia. or that my body is still in shock over the trauma of surgery.
i did talk to my doctor's office about it. they said the nausea is pretty common. recommended that i take vitamin b-1, so i've been doing that religiously. & then they said to do everything possible to get my 60 oz of water in everyday. which is SO much tougher than i ever imagined it would be. that is NOT that much water. especially for someone who would routinely drink a gallon a day. but pretty much every day i'm battling the urge to gag. it really blows. but i'm doing my best. i'm making sure to take my multivitamins & my calcium (the past couple days in the form of tums hoping that'll help).
i really had wanted to blog more while i had this time off work. but i just haven't been able to sit at my computer for too long because it just makes me sick. i've been doing a lot of laying on the couch with my eyes closed. which, i'm going to do now as soon as i post this.
Monday, February 18, 2008
one week out of surgery
i wish i could give a weight update right now, how much i've gone down in the last week out of surgery, but i'm still at my parents' house & they don't have a scale here. i know. bizarre. so that'll have to wait until tuesday or wednesday when i'm back at my own place. i can say that when i was admitted to hcmc last monday i was 245.2 according to their scale.
as for how i'm feeling: doing pretty well. i was so sleepy earlier today that i basically woke up, drank my "breakfast," watched maybe half an hour of tv, & then decided a nap was in order. may as well take plenty of naps if i'm tired & i have the time off work. pretty soon, in just a week, i'll be back to work & back to my chaotic life.
looking forward to being over the liquid diet, but i've also been told that my "first meal" will most likely be fairly disappointing. *shrugs* just something different will be nice. & something that is progress & shows that i'm healing & getting better & progressing, which, solid food fills all of those qualifications.
i'm also looking forward to just getting on with my life. getting back to the Y & back to (mis)adventures with miss jenn. trying to re-focus my life & just get things back into my normal sense of (dis)order. i don't like having to be on the sidelines or to be out sick from work. makes me fidgety to get back into the mix of things.
as for how i'm feeling: doing pretty well. i was so sleepy earlier today that i basically woke up, drank my "breakfast," watched maybe half an hour of tv, & then decided a nap was in order. may as well take plenty of naps if i'm tired & i have the time off work. pretty soon, in just a week, i'll be back to work & back to my chaotic life.
looking forward to being over the liquid diet, but i've also been told that my "first meal" will most likely be fairly disappointing. *shrugs* just something different will be nice. & something that is progress & shows that i'm healing & getting better & progressing, which, solid food fills all of those qualifications.
i'm also looking forward to just getting on with my life. getting back to the Y & back to (mis)adventures with miss jenn. trying to re-focus my life & just get things back into my normal sense of (dis)order. i don't like having to be on the sidelines or to be out sick from work. makes me fidgety to get back into the mix of things.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
field trip
i finally got out of the house today. i've been going SO stir crazy. not that i don't like my parents & my brother & my cats & dog. . . but i'm sorta a social person & i really need to go out & see people. my mom is the kind that can tuck in & stay at home for weeks & it doesn't bother her at all not to see other people. i've been so frickin bored, even when i was nauseous on friday i was sick of seeing the same walls.
ok, josh visited me on wednesday & tina stopped by with baby lucas on friday, so that helped me get through until today. but today i got out & about in the community. yippee! my mom had some stuff to get at target & i had a small list myself, so we went & picked some stuff up. i also got a new copy of pretty in pink since the one i bought last week skipped towards the end :(
while it was awesome getting out of the house for a bit, it really did tire me out. it's not even 9pm & i'm kinda nodding off at my computer. the only reason i'm even staying conscious is that i have to wait another hour before i can take anything else for pain & i really don't feel like nodding off & then waking up an hour later with stabby pains in my side. stabby pains are not good at all.
i know i've been bitching a lot about the pain & i try not to be the whiny complainer type, but this is pretty uncomfortable. then again, that is to be expected with surgery of any kind. it's still not as bad as when i had my gallbladder out back in the spring of 2000. so, i guess that's an upside?
ok, josh visited me on wednesday & tina stopped by with baby lucas on friday, so that helped me get through until today. but today i got out & about in the community. yippee! my mom had some stuff to get at target & i had a small list myself, so we went & picked some stuff up. i also got a new copy of pretty in pink since the one i bought last week skipped towards the end :(
while it was awesome getting out of the house for a bit, it really did tire me out. it's not even 9pm & i'm kinda nodding off at my computer. the only reason i'm even staying conscious is that i have to wait another hour before i can take anything else for pain & i really don't feel like nodding off & then waking up an hour later with stabby pains in my side. stabby pains are not good at all.
i know i've been bitching a lot about the pain & i try not to be the whiny complainer type, but this is pretty uncomfortable. then again, that is to be expected with surgery of any kind. it's still not as bad as when i had my gallbladder out back in the spring of 2000. so, i guess that's an upside?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
speaking of food network
have i mentioned that food network is now porn to me? i spent the whole weekend before my surgery watching food network. right now i'm sitting in front of: diners, drive-ins, & dives drooling. . .& slightly aroused. ok, well, maybe not aroused, but definitely drooling. yeah, still on my post surgery liquid diet. i get to start on real food this coming wednesday, just three more days.
i didn't think i'd miss food. i've been SO over eating for such a long time now. it's been such a pain in the ass. figuring out what i was going to have for lunch, for dinner. breakfast was always oatmeal & coffee, so that didn't cause any extra thought. i tried for so long to eat healthy & eat the right things & nothing seemed to make any difference in my trying to lose weight. but i was really actually looking forward to post surgery just being able to plan my little meals, pack my little half cup tupperware with my meal for work & be on my way. no need to worry, fret, fantasize.
& now, five days out of surgery i'm watching tv & thinking: goddamn i'd love to have some eggs benedict right now. or a burger. or pizza. or cheesecake. or. . .um, how about just something that has chewable parts?
then again, at this moment my pain level is pretty high because of my afore mentioned lack of narcotics post surgery. i really must call my doctor on monday & discuss this, because i don't like sharp pains. & i want a quick recovery but i think it's a bit soon for me to be totally off the narcotics. i think i'll go take two of my precious vicodin, crawl into bed, & dream of tasty treats passing my lips.
i didn't think i'd miss food. i've been SO over eating for such a long time now. it's been such a pain in the ass. figuring out what i was going to have for lunch, for dinner. breakfast was always oatmeal & coffee, so that didn't cause any extra thought. i tried for so long to eat healthy & eat the right things & nothing seemed to make any difference in my trying to lose weight. but i was really actually looking forward to post surgery just being able to plan my little meals, pack my little half cup tupperware with my meal for work & be on my way. no need to worry, fret, fantasize.
& now, five days out of surgery i'm watching tv & thinking: goddamn i'd love to have some eggs benedict right now. or a burger. or pizza. or cheesecake. or. . .um, how about just something that has chewable parts?
then again, at this moment my pain level is pretty high because of my afore mentioned lack of narcotics post surgery. i really must call my doctor on monday & discuss this, because i don't like sharp pains. & i want a quick recovery but i think it's a bit soon for me to be totally off the narcotics. i think i'll go take two of my precious vicodin, crawl into bed, & dream of tasty treats passing my lips.
interesting phrases
so i'm watching food network with my mom, a sugar competition having to do with nature themed pieces. & each competitor is going through saying what their piece is about & why they chose it. & one guy says:
"i realized i'd never blown a giraffe & i'd like to."
omg. i laughed so hard it hurt. seriously. the things people say on cable tv.
"i realized i'd never blown a giraffe & i'd like to."
omg. i laughed so hard it hurt. seriously. the things people say on cable tv.
thought of the week: february 10th-16th
this time i think i'm to blame, it's harder to get through the days, we get older and blame turns to shame, 'cause everything inside it never comes out right
~buckcherry, sorry
so, welcome to one of my new ringtones. i created it sunday night before my surgery. i heard the song exactly once on the radio, fell in love with it, & hunted it down on itunes. right now it's my default, so if you aren't lucky enough to be assigned a ringtone, it's what my phone will play when you call me *grins*
all last week when the liquid diet was getting tough. & this week through the pain & the nausea & the fear i never took it out, even once, on another person. the only time i even raised my voice was last week when my mom picked a fight with me. i just kept telling myself "this is my choice, my own decision made of free will." yeah, not much of a consolation when my cube smelled like bbq-ed meat for a whole day. or chinese food another. or the food network was like porn all weekend.
the days before my surgery were hard to get through. not just because i wasn't eating, but because my nerves were getting to me. & i felt like i had to be brave. especially with my mom, as we're walking into HCMC the morning of my surgery saying to my sister: "i really wish she wouldn't do this." i know. talk about a kick in the balls. she really does love me, so please don't hold any ill will towards her. but that kind of negativity is pretty fucking hard to deal with. especially in the off chance that there's something bad that happens.
& i've felt like no matter how much i say, i just can't make it come out right to those people who are/were doubting me. no matter what i say it's not the right thing, or said the right way. & i still come away sorta feeling like i'm in the wrong somehow. or like i'm committing some kind of felony against someone else. hard to describe exactly at this moment. i'd say blame it on the narcotics, but they didn't give me that many, so right now i'm just trying to make them last the weekend. so, uh, let's blame it on the pain?
~buckcherry, sorry
so, welcome to one of my new ringtones. i created it sunday night before my surgery. i heard the song exactly once on the radio, fell in love with it, & hunted it down on itunes. right now it's my default, so if you aren't lucky enough to be assigned a ringtone, it's what my phone will play when you call me *grins*
all last week when the liquid diet was getting tough. & this week through the pain & the nausea & the fear i never took it out, even once, on another person. the only time i even raised my voice was last week when my mom picked a fight with me. i just kept telling myself "this is my choice, my own decision made of free will." yeah, not much of a consolation when my cube smelled like bbq-ed meat for a whole day. or chinese food another. or the food network was like porn all weekend.
the days before my surgery were hard to get through. not just because i wasn't eating, but because my nerves were getting to me. & i felt like i had to be brave. especially with my mom, as we're walking into HCMC the morning of my surgery saying to my sister: "i really wish she wouldn't do this." i know. talk about a kick in the balls. she really does love me, so please don't hold any ill will towards her. but that kind of negativity is pretty fucking hard to deal with. especially in the off chance that there's something bad that happens.
& i've felt like no matter how much i say, i just can't make it come out right to those people who are/were doubting me. no matter what i say it's not the right thing, or said the right way. & i still come away sorta feeling like i'm in the wrong somehow. or like i'm committing some kind of felony against someone else. hard to describe exactly at this moment. i'd say blame it on the narcotics, but they didn't give me that many, so right now i'm just trying to make them last the weekend. so, uh, let's blame it on the pain?
thought of the week: february 3rd-9th (late edition)
~i actually started this a while ago, during the above titled week, but i haven't had a chance to finish it until now~
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
~red hot chili peppers, scar tisssue
this song has been running through my head a lot lately. & i don't know if it's because the closer i get to surgery the more i need to defend myself. or, the more i feel i need to defend myself. some of the people who i had hoped would not question me are continuing to fight me every step of the way, one of them being my mom. i'll be honest, the thing with my mom hurts the worst. she actually picked a fight with me on the evening of the 5th when i stopped by my parents house. i hadn't eaten solid food for two days & she was telling me she thinks i'm making a mistake. & my mom is one of the people who's seen the most of how much my weight problem has effected me.
this has been the hardest decision that i've ever made & i really just wish that i could open my memories & my heart & thrust people into my body, myself, my mind & emotions at those times. i wish i could make them feel everything i've gone through over the past 23 years of being obese. i want them to feel the cuts. all the things over the years that have compounded one of top of another that helped me come to the point where i decided surgery was the path i needed to take.
i made this decision for my health. will i lie & say that i haven't thought of some of the vanity advantages? no, i won't be a hypocrite. it will be nice to wear smaller clothes. to not always be the fattest girl, well, anywhere i go. it's going to be nice to have other people see the bright, vibrant, intelligent, funny, sweet person that i am & not be looked over because i'm pudgy. but i made this decision because i want to be healthy. i don't want to have to be on a c-pap machine because i stop breathing when i sleep. or on dozens of medications to treat different medical conditions that have arisen. i want to have kids in the semi near future & i want to be an active parent. i want to run around with my kids. take them hiking, snow tubing, swimming, biking, roller blading. . .all those things that are good for kids.
i want to be a good example to my kids, to my nephews & nieces. will i lie about my surgery? no, i won't. haven't figured out how i'm going to explain it to the little ones who are in my life now, but i'll figure it out along the way. the biggest thing is that i'm going through this pain now to have a better life later on.
as for the scars from the past. i'm sure they'll fade, a bit, with time. but they run very deep, too deep for me to ever forget them completely. & i don't want to forget them. because even though they stung, & still sting if i think too hard on them, they've brought me to who i am today.
i'd started this blog with the intention of sharing some of those scars, the things that have cut me over the years, but now, as i get into this, i'm not sure that i can. it's not that i don't want to share. it's that i don't know how. & what would be the point of doing so at this time? i'm not asking for pity. & i'm semi afraid that would be the response that i would get. so maybe, for now, we'll leave those scars where they are, healing.
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
~red hot chili peppers, scar tisssue
this song has been running through my head a lot lately. & i don't know if it's because the closer i get to surgery the more i need to defend myself. or, the more i feel i need to defend myself. some of the people who i had hoped would not question me are continuing to fight me every step of the way, one of them being my mom. i'll be honest, the thing with my mom hurts the worst. she actually picked a fight with me on the evening of the 5th when i stopped by my parents house. i hadn't eaten solid food for two days & she was telling me she thinks i'm making a mistake. & my mom is one of the people who's seen the most of how much my weight problem has effected me.
this has been the hardest decision that i've ever made & i really just wish that i could open my memories & my heart & thrust people into my body, myself, my mind & emotions at those times. i wish i could make them feel everything i've gone through over the past 23 years of being obese. i want them to feel the cuts. all the things over the years that have compounded one of top of another that helped me come to the point where i decided surgery was the path i needed to take.
i made this decision for my health. will i lie & say that i haven't thought of some of the vanity advantages? no, i won't be a hypocrite. it will be nice to wear smaller clothes. to not always be the fattest girl, well, anywhere i go. it's going to be nice to have other people see the bright, vibrant, intelligent, funny, sweet person that i am & not be looked over because i'm pudgy. but i made this decision because i want to be healthy. i don't want to have to be on a c-pap machine because i stop breathing when i sleep. or on dozens of medications to treat different medical conditions that have arisen. i want to have kids in the semi near future & i want to be an active parent. i want to run around with my kids. take them hiking, snow tubing, swimming, biking, roller blading. . .all those things that are good for kids.
i want to be a good example to my kids, to my nephews & nieces. will i lie about my surgery? no, i won't. haven't figured out how i'm going to explain it to the little ones who are in my life now, but i'll figure it out along the way. the biggest thing is that i'm going through this pain now to have a better life later on.
as for the scars from the past. i'm sure they'll fade, a bit, with time. but they run very deep, too deep for me to ever forget them completely. & i don't want to forget them. because even though they stung, & still sting if i think too hard on them, they've brought me to who i am today.
i'd started this blog with the intention of sharing some of those scars, the things that have cut me over the years, but now, as i get into this, i'm not sure that i can. it's not that i don't want to share. it's that i don't know how. & what would be the point of doing so at this time? i'm not asking for pity. & i'm semi afraid that would be the response that i would get. so maybe, for now, we'll leave those scars where they are, healing.
first post-op blog
so i've come out of surgery ok. my surgeon actually said the surgery went really well. i'll admit, i was SO fucking nauseous when i woke up from the anesthesia. i really wanted to vomit. & i hate throwing up. that went away after a little while though. my family stayed for a bit, but then left because i was going in & out of consciousness & the chairs at the hospital aren't too comfy for too long.
but i had three visitors besides my family. Q stopped by for a bit to chat with me & give me a really cute get well card that has a guy hooked up to all kinds of IVs that have "real" food names on them (i'll put pics up later of my cards & such). he said i looked pretty good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. i was a bit sleepy & a bit nauseous when he was there, not because of him, but just because i'd been under general anesthesia that morning & had a pretty major surgery.
then about half an hour after Q left jenn & crystal came by to visit me. they both said i looked good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. & they made me laugh, ok, smile because laughing hurt, with some stories from work. i had to shake my head over the work stuff because nothing more i can do than that until i get back. but those two are so frickin funny, it was definitely great to see them. they also brought by some balloons for me & two cards: a get well card with a half nekkid boy (yipp-ie!) & a birthday card.
it was so nice getting visitors. i'm definitely a social kind of girl, even right out of surgery i was pretty chatty with every nurse, aide, doctor, and med student that crossed my path. it's just the way i bounce.
i did get sprung from HCMC on tuesday, i almost didn't & was pretty close to having to spend a second night in the hospital. D'OH! first they didn't want to give me narcotics because over a year ago i'd had vicodin for a back injury. yeah, so they wanted to release me from the hospital without any pain meds. then, once they found a dr to prescribe them they had trouble with my insurance. so they needed a new copy of my insurance card to run the meds through. by then i was in pain & nauseous & running a slight fever. so they checked my temp, decided to recheck it in half an hour, it was up again at the second check. so then they called a doctor to see if i had to stay or could go. by this time it was after 5pm. the word finally came back that it was up to me if i wanted to stay or leave.
i really almost decided to spend another night in the hospital because i was really nauseous & sometimes, god love him, my dad's driving makes me car sick even when i'm completely healthy. but i decided to go home because my back really hurt, not from the surgery but from sleeping on the hospital bed. & because i thought i'd feel better if i was home. granted, my parents' is not my HOME, but it's way better than the hospital. so my dad & brother picked me up around 7pm & i was off to recover at home.
i've been pretty good here at the 'rents place. i wanted to blog earlier this week, but my mom has been bogarting my computer. she supposedly took the week off work to stay home with me, but she was into the office for a meeting on wednesday & has been on my computer the rest of the time. as for me: i was in great spirits & feeling well wednesday & thursday. yesterday was really rough all day. i woke up nauseous & just got worse as the day went on. i didn't have any of my "liquid" meals. didn't have anything except water. & spent a good deal of the day gagging. yeah, not fun at all.
but today i'm 150% better. i wanted to go home today, but my parents have taken a vote & over ruled me & said i'm not allowed to go home until i'm able to drive myself. so, yeah, i'll be here for another few days. i pretty much scared the shite out of them yesterday. ooops.
but i'm back in blog land. back in the land of the living. & back to text messaging. so hit me up. i'm bored out of my gourd & looking for social interaction.
but i had three visitors besides my family. Q stopped by for a bit to chat with me & give me a really cute get well card that has a guy hooked up to all kinds of IVs that have "real" food names on them (i'll put pics up later of my cards & such). he said i looked pretty good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. i was a bit sleepy & a bit nauseous when he was there, not because of him, but just because i'd been under general anesthesia that morning & had a pretty major surgery.
then about half an hour after Q left jenn & crystal came by to visit me. they both said i looked good for someone who had just had surgery that morning. & they made me laugh, ok, smile because laughing hurt, with some stories from work. i had to shake my head over the work stuff because nothing more i can do than that until i get back. but those two are so frickin funny, it was definitely great to see them. they also brought by some balloons for me & two cards: a get well card with a half nekkid boy (yipp-ie!) & a birthday card.
it was so nice getting visitors. i'm definitely a social kind of girl, even right out of surgery i was pretty chatty with every nurse, aide, doctor, and med student that crossed my path. it's just the way i bounce.
i did get sprung from HCMC on tuesday, i almost didn't & was pretty close to having to spend a second night in the hospital. D'OH! first they didn't want to give me narcotics because over a year ago i'd had vicodin for a back injury. yeah, so they wanted to release me from the hospital without any pain meds. then, once they found a dr to prescribe them they had trouble with my insurance. so they needed a new copy of my insurance card to run the meds through. by then i was in pain & nauseous & running a slight fever. so they checked my temp, decided to recheck it in half an hour, it was up again at the second check. so then they called a doctor to see if i had to stay or could go. by this time it was after 5pm. the word finally came back that it was up to me if i wanted to stay or leave.
i really almost decided to spend another night in the hospital because i was really nauseous & sometimes, god love him, my dad's driving makes me car sick even when i'm completely healthy. but i decided to go home because my back really hurt, not from the surgery but from sleeping on the hospital bed. & because i thought i'd feel better if i was home. granted, my parents' is not my HOME, but it's way better than the hospital. so my dad & brother picked me up around 7pm & i was off to recover at home.
i've been pretty good here at the 'rents place. i wanted to blog earlier this week, but my mom has been bogarting my computer. she supposedly took the week off work to stay home with me, but she was into the office for a meeting on wednesday & has been on my computer the rest of the time. as for me: i was in great spirits & feeling well wednesday & thursday. yesterday was really rough all day. i woke up nauseous & just got worse as the day went on. i didn't have any of my "liquid" meals. didn't have anything except water. & spent a good deal of the day gagging. yeah, not fun at all.
but today i'm 150% better. i wanted to go home today, but my parents have taken a vote & over ruled me & said i'm not allowed to go home until i'm able to drive myself. so, yeah, i'll be here for another few days. i pretty much scared the shite out of them yesterday. ooops.
but i'm back in blog land. back in the land of the living. & back to text messaging. so hit me up. i'm bored out of my gourd & looking for social interaction.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
liquid diet: day #7
this'll be short because i've been awake since just past 7am saturday & i'm sleepy. my surgery is in just 7 1/2 hours & my family & i have to leave the house in just under 6 hours. so i should get some sleep.
day 7 went ok. i was so busy getting ready that i almost forgot one of my liquid meals! grand total weight loss for the liquid diet is somewheres around 15 pounds, give or take.
so i'm off to pass out.
more blogging will come in the next few days, this time it'll be blogging on prescription drugs. awesome.
day 7 went ok. i was so busy getting ready that i almost forgot one of my liquid meals! grand total weight loss for the liquid diet is somewheres around 15 pounds, give or take.
so i'm off to pass out.
more blogging will come in the next few days, this time it'll be blogging on prescription drugs. awesome.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
liquid diet: day #6
IT'S BACON! (this will be explained)
day 6 started off pretty uneventfully. i woke up god-awful early at a bit past 7am. partially because i heard a text message come in on my phone, but partially just because i wasn't really deeply asleep anymore. because if i really am totally asleep, i don't hear my phone, or, it doesn't wake me up. now, i will say that i have, in the past, sleep text messaged. but that really doesn't count as being awake.
i had some coffee with splenda in it, my chocolate instant breakfast, just started the day out normally. or, as normally as one can when their sole source of nutrition is drinkable. i know, enough with the whole "oh, wah me, i'm drinking my meals." i know, i did make this decision, it's something i put on myself, so i'm really not whining. just saying. & thank god it's only a week instead of more. at the surgical consult at HCMC they were saying some people have to do FOUR WEEKS! my friend josh that had gastric bypass had to do two weeks. although, to be honest, now that i'm in my routine, i could do another week if i had to. it wouldn't be preferable, but i could do it.
the upside to doing a liquid diet is the rapid weight loss. now, I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE GO ON A LIQUID DIET WITHOUT DOCTOR'S ORDERS. however, as a pre-surgery prep, it does make you lose weight rather rapidly. i've lost about 13 pounds since monday. i know, it's like two pounds a day! the reason for the liquid diet is not to lose weight prior to surgery, at least, not according to the information i was given, the purpose is to shrink the size of my liver & go into surgery with a healthy liver.
so i went to my parents' house today to get some stuff that i wanted to bring to my new apartment. basically i have the space & i've been really missing my books. so i packed up six boxes of books(which is not even all of my books) & the last of my "smaller" clothes that were at their place to bring them back home. my mom was asleep when i got there (she hasn't been feeling well) so i packed my stuff up & started loading my car. & i didn't want to just grab stuff & run, so i hung out, watched some tv, drank some water.
when my mom finally woke up she was hungry & decided to make bacon, eggs, & toast. oy. i now REALLY know what the dog feels like on that commercial. while my mom was having her yummy breakfast i was having an instant breakfast, heated up for a little change of pace so it was sorta like a hot chocolate. so i'm smelling this absolutely heavenly bacon. & it was done so nice & crispy, but not too much so that it was burnt. yeah, i almost cried a wee bit. but i smiled & told my mom "no, of course it doesn't bother me, please, please eat your breakfast." meanwhile a strange hybrid between the beggin strips commercial & the trix commercial was running through my head:
irrational inner voice: "IT'S BACON!"
rationale inner voice: "silly beckah, it's carnation instant breakfast."
yeah, so, life is interesting. carnation instant breakfast is yummy when heated. not as yummy as bacon. but pretty palatable.
day 6 started off pretty uneventfully. i woke up god-awful early at a bit past 7am. partially because i heard a text message come in on my phone, but partially just because i wasn't really deeply asleep anymore. because if i really am totally asleep, i don't hear my phone, or, it doesn't wake me up. now, i will say that i have, in the past, sleep text messaged. but that really doesn't count as being awake.
i had some coffee with splenda in it, my chocolate instant breakfast, just started the day out normally. or, as normally as one can when their sole source of nutrition is drinkable. i know, enough with the whole "oh, wah me, i'm drinking my meals." i know, i did make this decision, it's something i put on myself, so i'm really not whining. just saying. & thank god it's only a week instead of more. at the surgical consult at HCMC they were saying some people have to do FOUR WEEKS! my friend josh that had gastric bypass had to do two weeks. although, to be honest, now that i'm in my routine, i could do another week if i had to. it wouldn't be preferable, but i could do it.
the upside to doing a liquid diet is the rapid weight loss. now, I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE GO ON A LIQUID DIET WITHOUT DOCTOR'S ORDERS. however, as a pre-surgery prep, it does make you lose weight rather rapidly. i've lost about 13 pounds since monday. i know, it's like two pounds a day! the reason for the liquid diet is not to lose weight prior to surgery, at least, not according to the information i was given, the purpose is to shrink the size of my liver & go into surgery with a healthy liver.
so i went to my parents' house today to get some stuff that i wanted to bring to my new apartment. basically i have the space & i've been really missing my books. so i packed up six boxes of books(which is not even all of my books) & the last of my "smaller" clothes that were at their place to bring them back home. my mom was asleep when i got there (she hasn't been feeling well) so i packed my stuff up & started loading my car. & i didn't want to just grab stuff & run, so i hung out, watched some tv, drank some water.
when my mom finally woke up she was hungry & decided to make bacon, eggs, & toast. oy. i now REALLY know what the dog feels like on that commercial. while my mom was having her yummy breakfast i was having an instant breakfast, heated up for a little change of pace so it was sorta like a hot chocolate. so i'm smelling this absolutely heavenly bacon. & it was done so nice & crispy, but not too much so that it was burnt. yeah, i almost cried a wee bit. but i smiled & told my mom "no, of course it doesn't bother me, please, please eat your breakfast." meanwhile a strange hybrid between the beggin strips commercial & the trix commercial was running through my head:
irrational inner voice: "IT'S BACON!"
rationale inner voice: "silly beckah, it's carnation instant breakfast."
yeah, so, life is interesting. carnation instant breakfast is yummy when heated. not as yummy as bacon. but pretty palatable.
Friday, February 08, 2008
liquid diet: day #5
day five is now history too. & today was not such a bad day. first off: i really have the best coworkers. i want to put that right up front. on the QA team we have one guy who's a QA & the rest of the team is female. well it was his turn to bring treats for the team on friday, & i hadn't really thought much about it at all, to be honest. i was guessing it would be donuts or bagels or something along those lines that was on my list of unedible foods, for now.
so he rolls in, puts the treats on a desk down the row & then goes back to his desk, which is right across from mine, & he tells me that he got something for me because i couldn't eat the other treats. he got me a naked juice (& yes, there were a few jokes later in the day about the fact that he got me naked). he actually got two, one for him & one for me & he let me pick which one i wanted (i picked blue machine so he got mighty mango). & the best part was that the bottle was almost 16 oz, so i was able to divide it in half & drink half for breakfast & half for lunch. rock on. i just have to say: isn't that SO sweet?
since today was my last day at work before my surgery it was all kind of surreal. & it wasn't tough at all for me to stick to my liquid diet. two of my fellow female QAs went out to eddinton's for lunch, which is kind of a soup & sandwich joint, & i asked them to pick up some wisconsin cheddar soup for me to have for dinner tonight. sadly enough there were too many chunks in it (little bits of carrots, celery, & onions) so i wound up only having a little bit before it drove me crazy & i wound up throwing the rest away because i didn't want to break the rules & eat ANYTHING. but even that wasn't too tragic.
now i just have the weekend to get through. & theoretically i can lock myself in my apartment until sunday night & not go anywhere near another living being, which will mean i will not be near food either. ok, i really DO have actual food in my apartment right now, but i've been resisting the urge to have any of it. i'm doing everything i can to make my surgery a success.
so he rolls in, puts the treats on a desk down the row & then goes back to his desk, which is right across from mine, & he tells me that he got something for me because i couldn't eat the other treats. he got me a naked juice (& yes, there were a few jokes later in the day about the fact that he got me naked). he actually got two, one for him & one for me & he let me pick which one i wanted (i picked blue machine so he got mighty mango). & the best part was that the bottle was almost 16 oz, so i was able to divide it in half & drink half for breakfast & half for lunch. rock on. i just have to say: isn't that SO sweet?
since today was my last day at work before my surgery it was all kind of surreal. & it wasn't tough at all for me to stick to my liquid diet. two of my fellow female QAs went out to eddinton's for lunch, which is kind of a soup & sandwich joint, & i asked them to pick up some wisconsin cheddar soup for me to have for dinner tonight. sadly enough there were too many chunks in it (little bits of carrots, celery, & onions) so i wound up only having a little bit before it drove me crazy & i wound up throwing the rest away because i didn't want to break the rules & eat ANYTHING. but even that wasn't too tragic.
now i just have the weekend to get through. & theoretically i can lock myself in my apartment until sunday night & not go anywhere near another living being, which will mean i will not be near food either. ok, i really DO have actual food in my apartment right now, but i've been resisting the urge to have any of it. i'm doing everything i can to make my surgery a success.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
liquid diet: day #4
i won't say it's a total lie that after day 3 on a liquid diet it's easy sailing, because it does get a little bit better. especially when the math geek in me can say at lunch time "at least i'm 50% done." but it's still pretty tough to be constantly surrounded by food & not able to eat any of it. i am still sticking to it though, neurotically so because, well, that's just the way i roll.
a few people have jokingly asked me if i could take some spaghetti & liquify it in a blender, or throw some steak and potatoes into a cuisinart & let it rip until it's smooth & technically a liquid. & while it sounds disgusting (& to be honest, it really looks disgusting too, i know this first hand from working at the group home) i did actually ponder it for a half a second, but i have not liquified anything that was previously solid.
& then there's the fact that while nothing chewable is passing my lips, the rest of the world is not stopping. & god help them, i'm surrounded by people who like to share. today i was at work on a helpline call when one of my fellow QAs, offered me some honey roasted peanuts. a pretty benign act on it's own, except, by offering i mean she put a huge (by huge i mean like 2-3 pound tin) of honey roasted peanuts under my nose, literally. luckily i was on a call with a phone rep so i couldn't say anything, but i just looked at her, & i must have given her the EVIL evil eye or something because all of a sudden she goes "oh, i'm SO sorry" and ran off. & then 2 seconds later i got an email from her telling me she was so sorry for forgetting & she felt horrible. & i responded to her that she really SHOULDN'T feel bad, i don't expect the rest of the world to stop for me (yeah, i know, SHOCKING, i think my princess tiara may be in jeopardy for that one).
& it's not the first time this week. on tuesday i was talking with miss cz at work regarding miss jenn's bday & she said that she was making low fat angel food cupcakes for jenn's birthday so that i wouldn't have to bake anything because she thought it would be torture being on a liquid diet & having to bake a cake. & yeah, that would've been hell on earth, no licking the beaters, bowl, or spatula. then, in the next breath she told me to make sure i stopped by jenn's desk to grab one & some lite cool whip. & i just stopped, looked at her. i wound up telling her *maybe* i'd come grab a teensy bit of cool whip for my jello. i was a good girl & resisted it all together.
then, last night Q & i went out to see the eye. before we went to the movie i gave him his birthday gift, which included two 1/2 pound bags of candy from candyland (one the raspberry hearts & the other the red & black berry jelly candies). i'd been talking to him about how day three of the liquid diet was blowing pretty hard core & i really wanted to gnaw my own arm off for a piece of garlic cheese bread. then about half a second later, he's munching on the candy, and offers me a piece. really, Q is a sweet guy & very smart. . . .i just surround myself with people who like to share & it's hard to break that habit, i get that.
today i almost did jump a fellow QA for her chinese food. i have no idea what she got except that it smelled divine. i'm guessing chicken something with rice. i actually had to walk away from my desk during my lunch & wander the call center to get away from the smell & the temptation.
all & all though, even with class tonight, day 4 much better than day three.
a few people have jokingly asked me if i could take some spaghetti & liquify it in a blender, or throw some steak and potatoes into a cuisinart & let it rip until it's smooth & technically a liquid. & while it sounds disgusting (& to be honest, it really looks disgusting too, i know this first hand from working at the group home) i did actually ponder it for a half a second, but i have not liquified anything that was previously solid.
& then there's the fact that while nothing chewable is passing my lips, the rest of the world is not stopping. & god help them, i'm surrounded by people who like to share. today i was at work on a helpline call when one of my fellow QAs, offered me some honey roasted peanuts. a pretty benign act on it's own, except, by offering i mean she put a huge (by huge i mean like 2-3 pound tin) of honey roasted peanuts under my nose, literally. luckily i was on a call with a phone rep so i couldn't say anything, but i just looked at her, & i must have given her the EVIL evil eye or something because all of a sudden she goes "oh, i'm SO sorry" and ran off. & then 2 seconds later i got an email from her telling me she was so sorry for forgetting & she felt horrible. & i responded to her that she really SHOULDN'T feel bad, i don't expect the rest of the world to stop for me (yeah, i know, SHOCKING, i think my princess tiara may be in jeopardy for that one).
& it's not the first time this week. on tuesday i was talking with miss cz at work regarding miss jenn's bday & she said that she was making low fat angel food cupcakes for jenn's birthday so that i wouldn't have to bake anything because she thought it would be torture being on a liquid diet & having to bake a cake. & yeah, that would've been hell on earth, no licking the beaters, bowl, or spatula. then, in the next breath she told me to make sure i stopped by jenn's desk to grab one & some lite cool whip. & i just stopped, looked at her. i wound up telling her *maybe* i'd come grab a teensy bit of cool whip for my jello. i was a good girl & resisted it all together.
then, last night Q & i went out to see the eye. before we went to the movie i gave him his birthday gift, which included two 1/2 pound bags of candy from candyland (one the raspberry hearts & the other the red & black berry jelly candies). i'd been talking to him about how day three of the liquid diet was blowing pretty hard core & i really wanted to gnaw my own arm off for a piece of garlic cheese bread. then about half a second later, he's munching on the candy, and offers me a piece. really, Q is a sweet guy & very smart. . . .i just surround myself with people who like to share & it's hard to break that habit, i get that.
today i almost did jump a fellow QA for her chinese food. i have no idea what she got except that it smelled divine. i'm guessing chicken something with rice. i actually had to walk away from my desk during my lunch & wander the call center to get away from the smell & the temptation.
all & all though, even with class tonight, day 4 much better than day three.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
liquid diet: day #3
ok, day three blows. hard core. in every way. i'm so hungry right now i would gnaw off my own arm for a piece of garlic cheese bread. & it's only half past noon. someone at work had some really yummy smelling chinese food & it took all my will power not to flood my desk with drool as i salivated over the smell. jello is not a suitable replacement for garlic cheese bread. taking 30-45 minutes to enjoy 8oz of cream of tomato soup is torture, especially when, to quote jenn "i could enjoy that in 30-45 seconds." tru dat.
i keep reminding myself:
~just four more days after today.
~i'm almost half done.
~i chose to do this to myself.
~it will be worth it.
~i really am smarter than food.
~i can resist temptation.
~it's a character building experience
~this will make great writing for my memoir on this whole thing.
on the upside, for giggles i stepped on the scale at work (the one that we've been losing or our own little biggest loser competition) & i've lost 3.5 pounds since monday morning. & this was after i had drank my 8oz of breakfast, some water, & some coffee. so it may have actually been closer to 4 pounds. that's kind of nice to see.
so i think it's pretty safe to say that i have forever left the 260's behind me. my primary doctor actually thinks that i will fairly easily lose 100 pounds after the surgery, which is just mind boggling to me. because, that means that i could make it down to 160, which, to be honest, i don't ever remember being that weight. EVER. & i have no clue how to even try to process that.
it's a really mixed up emotional time for me right now. i'm owning that. & knowing that after monday it won't all go away. i'm still going to have my bad days. i'm going to have those days that i wonder what i did to myself. having surgery is not going to magically change everything in my life. it's going to change a lot of things, but it's not an end all be all easy fix by any means. i know this. i'll never go to an all-you-can-eat buffet again; what would be the point? & i'm sure that there will be times that i cry in frustration because of. . .because of reasons i can't even identify right now.
as of this exact moment: i'm hungry, i'm cold, i'm tired. i need a nap with my teddy bear in my big cozy bed with my fuzzy blanket pulled up around me. if i could have that right now all would be so much better.
***i would also like to apologize in advance for any crankiness i may aim at anyone in the next month. i do sincerely apologize & i'm sure that i didn't mean it***
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
liquid diet: day #2
interestingly enough, today was tougher than yesterday. i'd really been expecting the first day to be the hardest for me. i sort of thought that going from eating normally to eating a very limited liquid diet would cause me to gnaw on my cube walls. but yesterday wasn't too tough at all. i had some sugar free jello, a couple popsicles, broth, my liquid meals, water. . .all those things on my approved list. i had a couple dodgey moments, especially when one of my fellow QAs set up a crockpot filled with bbq meatballs & mini weinnies, but i somehow blocked it out.
today i've been a lot more hungry. maybe it's just the second day thing, i don't know. what i've been told is that the first three days are the hardest, so i'm basically two thirds done. once tomorrow is over the hardest part should be done of the liquid diet.
i really could use a cheeseburger right now. with fries. & some pizza. & a nice big glass of orange juice. . . . i should probably stop thinking about this. & should definitely stay away from the food network right now. it's like porn.
today i've been a lot more hungry. maybe it's just the second day thing, i don't know. what i've been told is that the first three days are the hardest, so i'm basically two thirds done. once tomorrow is over the hardest part should be done of the liquid diet.
i really could use a cheeseburger right now. with fries. & some pizza. & a nice big glass of orange juice. . . . i should probably stop thinking about this. & should definitely stay away from the food network right now. it's like porn.
Monday, February 04, 2008
liquid diet: day #1
things i've learned day #1:
~i can resist the urge to dive face first into a crock pot full of bbq mini weinnies & meatballs
~jello actually will quell hunger
~it's not a good idea to watch food network while on a liquid diet
~april is the bestest friend EVER for doing this with me
~i have WAY MORE will power than i ever knew
~i can resist the urge to dive face first into a crock pot full of bbq mini weinnies & meatballs
~jello actually will quell hunger
~it's not a good idea to watch food network while on a liquid diet
~april is the bestest friend EVER for doing this with me
~i have WAY MORE will power than i ever knew
Saturday, February 02, 2008
thought of the week: january 27th-february 2nd
i can’t stand to fly, i'm not that naive, i’m just out to find, the better part of me/i’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane, i'm more than some pretty face beside a train, it’s not easy to be me.
~five for fighting, superman
this song haunts me & gives me hope for the future at the same time. the melody is soft, sad, soulful. but it's also realistic while being optimistic at the same time. & that's the part that i really love about it. i heard this the other day when i was driving, um, somewhere, & it occurred to me that this really sums up the way i'm feeling right now.
it's been tough lately. & i don't know how much of it is because i'm a little over sensitive/over emotional lately, or if it's because some people really have been less than supportive lately.
my grandmother (who, since i was 7 has told me i'm too big & i need to lose weight) is adamantly against the surgery & i wound up having to essentially tell her, in a nice way, to shut up because she wasn't going to change my mind. i don't like having to fight with my family & friends.
the thing that i find interesting, if i look at this clinically, is how personally other people are taking my decision to have surgery. i have some people that have acted like my decision is a personal affront against them. like i'm trying to hurt them, or abandon them, or make them look bad, or. . . i don't even know what. which is kind of a really odd thing, in my opinion, because i'm doing this for me because i want to have a long healthy life. it has nothing to do with anyone else at all.
& i'm really just trying to get a better life for myself. i want to be healthy. & right now, except for being, oh, around 100 lbs + overweight, i'm very healthy. & one day i'll probably have demon spawn, i mean, children, & i really don't want to be that mom that tells her kids to go outside & play on their own because i don't have the energy to be active with them.
i do know that getting surgery isn't a "magic pill." it's also not the easy way out. it's the toughest thing that i've done so far, & i'm not even at the surgery part. i'm sure there are going to be plenty of times that i'm pissy & cranky because i hurt or something else. but i need to just remember why i'm doing all of this.
~five for fighting, superman
this song haunts me & gives me hope for the future at the same time. the melody is soft, sad, soulful. but it's also realistic while being optimistic at the same time. & that's the part that i really love about it. i heard this the other day when i was driving, um, somewhere, & it occurred to me that this really sums up the way i'm feeling right now.
it's been tough lately. & i don't know how much of it is because i'm a little over sensitive/over emotional lately, or if it's because some people really have been less than supportive lately.
my grandmother (who, since i was 7 has told me i'm too big & i need to lose weight) is adamantly against the surgery & i wound up having to essentially tell her, in a nice way, to shut up because she wasn't going to change my mind. i don't like having to fight with my family & friends.
the thing that i find interesting, if i look at this clinically, is how personally other people are taking my decision to have surgery. i have some people that have acted like my decision is a personal affront against them. like i'm trying to hurt them, or abandon them, or make them look bad, or. . . i don't even know what. which is kind of a really odd thing, in my opinion, because i'm doing this for me because i want to have a long healthy life. it has nothing to do with anyone else at all.
& i'm really just trying to get a better life for myself. i want to be healthy. & right now, except for being, oh, around 100 lbs + overweight, i'm very healthy. & one day i'll probably have demon spawn, i mean, children, & i really don't want to be that mom that tells her kids to go outside & play on their own because i don't have the energy to be active with them.
i do know that getting surgery isn't a "magic pill." it's also not the easy way out. it's the toughest thing that i've done so far, & i'm not even at the surgery part. i'm sure there are going to be plenty of times that i'm pissy & cranky because i hurt or something else. but i need to just remember why i'm doing all of this.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
window shopping & the like
yesterday i got the keys to my new apartment, but between the time i left work & the time i was able to pick them up i had some time to spare, so i ran some errands that i haven't been able to get to recently. i actually got quite a bit accomplished. stopped by sports authority, then i got new glasses (i'll post pics later) & i stopped at hot topic to pick up some hair dye.
one thing that struck me at the mall is that VERY soon i'll be able to go there & my choices in where to shop for clothing are going to be so much greater. right now i can shop at lane bryant & torrid. sometimes i can get stuff at department stores like kohl's & sears if i want lovely clothes made from polyester floral prints marketed mainly for the medicare set.
it was an odd sensation to walk out of hot topic with my hair dye in hand, see some cute totally sexy/dirty lingerie & know that a year from now i'll be able to walk in & buy it. how can i wrap my head around that? it's one things to know something in the abstract, the clinical, the academic sense. but it's another to know something physically & literally in the flesh. & i can't know the in the flesh feeling because i'm not there yet.
this morning i had my pre-op education with becki at HCMC. basically she asked me a bunch of questions to help the pre-op nurses with my registration (just stuff like verifying medications, family history, that kind of thing). she gave me a run down on what i can expect the day of my surgery & the next day when i'll be released from the hospital. i was also able to ask her some questions. & i'm very happy that while my nose ring & tongue ring have to come out for the surgery, i can leave in my newest piercings, the ones in my tragus (the little flap of skin right next to your head in the middle of your ear). i was hoping i would get to leave those in because they're the newest ones & not completely healed.
so it's all coming together. my surgery. my move. it's just moving fast, but that's good. if i stand still too long i'll think & over think everything. right now i have SO much to keep my mind occupied (just started my spring semester class tonight too) that i can't worry too about my surgery.
lately i have a million thoughts running through my head every day. & a million emotions too. last week i was pretty upset most of the week. just super over emotional. i was over thinking things too much. freaking out a little bit about the fact that my surgery was just a little over two weeks away. & i was kind of feeling a bit under attack at the time too. i was feeling like some of my close friends were thinking i hadn't done enough before resorting to gastric bypass. & then when i started contacting some of my family on my mom's side they were, um, less than enthusiastic for me. or, at least, that's the way it felt to me.
because this is such a deeply personal & emotional decision, & i'm making it pretty public despite that it's so personal, i also feel very exposed. & so when someone that i really trust & think knows me well enough to know i did this with lots of thought questions my motivations i take it to heart more than i really should.
last week jenn actually told me that she didn't believe that i'd accepted for myself that i was having the surgery. & i did think on that for while. i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much, but i had to ponder this one. & i think at the time, she was right. i was excited & nervous about the surgery, but i had not really accepted it & owned it. & i can't even say why i hadn't. maybe because it all still seemed so unreal? i had really thought i would need to redo the nutritional consultations & even the psych eval. i didn't think i'd be having surgery until closer to may or maybe even june. so i think my head is still spinning a wee bit. but it is slowing down some. with my official move just over 30 hours away & my surgery just TEN DAYS AWAY (because i can't really count the 11th since my surgery is the first one of the day) things are really falling into place.
one thing that struck me at the mall is that VERY soon i'll be able to go there & my choices in where to shop for clothing are going to be so much greater. right now i can shop at lane bryant & torrid. sometimes i can get stuff at department stores like kohl's & sears if i want lovely clothes made from polyester floral prints marketed mainly for the medicare set.
it was an odd sensation to walk out of hot topic with my hair dye in hand, see some cute totally sexy/dirty lingerie & know that a year from now i'll be able to walk in & buy it. how can i wrap my head around that? it's one things to know something in the abstract, the clinical, the academic sense. but it's another to know something physically & literally in the flesh. & i can't know the in the flesh feeling because i'm not there yet.
this morning i had my pre-op education with becki at HCMC. basically she asked me a bunch of questions to help the pre-op nurses with my registration (just stuff like verifying medications, family history, that kind of thing). she gave me a run down on what i can expect the day of my surgery & the next day when i'll be released from the hospital. i was also able to ask her some questions. & i'm very happy that while my nose ring & tongue ring have to come out for the surgery, i can leave in my newest piercings, the ones in my tragus (the little flap of skin right next to your head in the middle of your ear). i was hoping i would get to leave those in because they're the newest ones & not completely healed.
so it's all coming together. my surgery. my move. it's just moving fast, but that's good. if i stand still too long i'll think & over think everything. right now i have SO much to keep my mind occupied (just started my spring semester class tonight too) that i can't worry too about my surgery.
lately i have a million thoughts running through my head every day. & a million emotions too. last week i was pretty upset most of the week. just super over emotional. i was over thinking things too much. freaking out a little bit about the fact that my surgery was just a little over two weeks away. & i was kind of feeling a bit under attack at the time too. i was feeling like some of my close friends were thinking i hadn't done enough before resorting to gastric bypass. & then when i started contacting some of my family on my mom's side they were, um, less than enthusiastic for me. or, at least, that's the way it felt to me.
because this is such a deeply personal & emotional decision, & i'm making it pretty public despite that it's so personal, i also feel very exposed. & so when someone that i really trust & think knows me well enough to know i did this with lots of thought questions my motivations i take it to heart more than i really should.
last week jenn actually told me that she didn't believe that i'd accepted for myself that i was having the surgery. & i did think on that for while. i know i'm not supposed to be thinking so much, but i had to ponder this one. & i think at the time, she was right. i was excited & nervous about the surgery, but i had not really accepted it & owned it. & i can't even say why i hadn't. maybe because it all still seemed so unreal? i had really thought i would need to redo the nutritional consultations & even the psych eval. i didn't think i'd be having surgery until closer to may or maybe even june. so i think my head is still spinning a wee bit. but it is slowing down some. with my official move just over 30 hours away & my surgery just TEN DAYS AWAY (because i can't really count the 11th since my surgery is the first one of the day) things are really falling into place.
thought of the week: january 20th-26th
*note: this blog was originally accidentally posted under the title: "thought of the weeek: january 27th-february 2nd"*
she gotta pack much back, so, fellas! (yeah!) fellas! (yeah!), has your girlfriend got the butt? (hell yeah!), tell 'em to shake it! (shake it!) shake it! (shake it!), shake that healthy butt!, baby got back!
~sir mix-a-lot, baby got back
ok, before i lose you all, i know sir mix-a-lot isn't on the top of anyone's thought provoking lyricists list, at least, he's not on the top of mine. but i've been thinking a lot about my body & how it will be changing & i've always had a thing for this song. actually, one of my friends in cali sings this at karaoke & i serve as one of his back up dancers when i'm out there.
now, for people who haven't seen me live & in person, i happen to be one of those white girls blessed with a ghetto booty. or rather, a ghe-tto booh-tay. when i was young, like a teenager i really kind of hated it. then again, i was pretty big & not happy in general with my body. but i've grown to really love the fact that i've got an ass. & a really nice one at that. my butt is made just perfect to fill out a pair of apple bottom jeans.
which got me wondering how my surgery will effect my butt. i know i'll get smaller all over, which is good cause if the rest of me got smaller & my ass stayed THE EXACT SAME i would look pretty frickin weird. but will i still have a nice, thought smaller version, of my ghetto booh-tay? i have to say, i really hope my ass still looks phenomenal in a pair of apple bottoms, because i will be still buying them. they are really nice jeans. i am guessing that because i already have the right body type to support a ghetto booty that i'll keep that post surgery.
maybe i should do some before & after ass shots to post on my blog. hmmm...maybe not. i'll have to think on that one.
she gotta pack much back, so, fellas! (yeah!) fellas! (yeah!), has your girlfriend got the butt? (hell yeah!), tell 'em to shake it! (shake it!) shake it! (shake it!), shake that healthy butt!, baby got back!
~sir mix-a-lot, baby got back
ok, before i lose you all, i know sir mix-a-lot isn't on the top of anyone's thought provoking lyricists list, at least, he's not on the top of mine. but i've been thinking a lot about my body & how it will be changing & i've always had a thing for this song. actually, one of my friends in cali sings this at karaoke & i serve as one of his back up dancers when i'm out there.
now, for people who haven't seen me live & in person, i happen to be one of those white girls blessed with a ghetto booty. or rather, a ghe-tto booh-tay. when i was young, like a teenager i really kind of hated it. then again, i was pretty big & not happy in general with my body. but i've grown to really love the fact that i've got an ass. & a really nice one at that. my butt is made just perfect to fill out a pair of apple bottom jeans.
which got me wondering how my surgery will effect my butt. i know i'll get smaller all over, which is good cause if the rest of me got smaller & my ass stayed THE EXACT SAME i would look pretty frickin weird. but will i still have a nice, thought smaller version, of my ghetto booh-tay? i have to say, i really hope my ass still looks phenomenal in a pair of apple bottoms, because i will be still buying them. they are really nice jeans. i am guessing that because i already have the right body type to support a ghetto booty that i'll keep that post surgery.
maybe i should do some before & after ass shots to post on my blog. hmmm...maybe not. i'll have to think on that one.
Monday, January 28, 2008
the gown is on the other. . . cheek?
tonight after i got off from my full time job i headed out to regions hospital in down town st. paul. one of my residents from the group home had surgery there today. she's ok & it's nothing serious. but i just think it's kind of ironic that two weeks before my own surgery i'm sitting in a hospital watching over someone else who just had surgery.
i've been so self absorbed with getting myself ready for my move, for my surgery, for all the changes that are going on in my life that i haven't really stopped to consider how all of this is impacting the people that i love. for instance, in the space of a week and a half my dad is taking off three days from work for me. one to help me move and one to come to my surgery. my brother had to take two days off. my mom is taking the entire week of my surgery off work to take care of me while i stay at their house.
as i sat visiting with my resident this evening i kept thinking in the back of my head in two weeks i'll be the one in the hospital bed. it'll be my family crowded into the room making nervous inane chatter. it was a very bizarre thought for me. & it's almost like her surgery made things more real for me & my surgery. not like i haven't known that this is all just around the corner, but the closer it gets the more vivid it all becomes. if that makes any sense.
i've been so self absorbed with getting myself ready for my move, for my surgery, for all the changes that are going on in my life that i haven't really stopped to consider how all of this is impacting the people that i love. for instance, in the space of a week and a half my dad is taking off three days from work for me. one to help me move and one to come to my surgery. my brother had to take two days off. my mom is taking the entire week of my surgery off work to take care of me while i stay at their house.
as i sat visiting with my resident this evening i kept thinking in the back of my head in two weeks i'll be the one in the hospital bed. it'll be my family crowded into the room making nervous inane chatter. it was a very bizarre thought for me. & it's almost like her surgery made things more real for me & my surgery. not like i haven't known that this is all just around the corner, but the closer it gets the more vivid it all becomes. if that makes any sense.
evidently a name tag is in order
these are the names/nicknames that i answer to: rebecca, beckah, becks, beck, becker, beckers, b, jeckah, jecks, becky (but ONLY at the group home), chica, princess, angel, sweetie, hun, honey, goddess, & kitten.
no where in the above list is the name cassie.
so friday night i went out with a friend of mine Q (the name has been changed to protect the innocent, er, the guilty, er, well, to keep the boy from blushing redder than rudolph on christmas eve). so Q is a friend of mine who just so happens to be a boy. & we're pretty good friends. we're sort of friends with some extra benefits. (is everyone reading between the lines here?) ok, so Q & i sometimes get nekkid & have some fun. he's a boy. he's my friend. but he's not a boyfriend.
i had a really rough week last week (more on that to come in a subsequent post), so Q & i went to see a movie & then we just kinda talked. it was really nice being able to hang out & kind of just talk & have someone listen without judging what i was saying or telling me how i should be feeling. like i said, it's been a rough few days, especially the closer my move date & my surgery get.
so at one point we're talking & Q tells me this story about how this other girl that he's seeing (one again, are we all on the same PAGE?) accidentally said, er moaned, someone else's name during a not very cool moment. yeah, awkward. i'll be honest, i felt bad for the boy because that is a horribly sucky & super uncomfortable situation. i'm guessing. i, for one, have never said the wrong name in that kind of position, nor have i been called the wrong name in that situation. so yeah, felt bad for the boy.
a few minutes later i wound up telling him that after the last time we "hung out" i woke up with a really odd bruise that i couldn't figure out how it got there. the conversation went something like this:
Q: do you bruise easily or are you anemic?
me: sometimes i bruise easily, but i'm not anemic.
Q: are you sure it wasn't a hickey?
me (with an eyeroll): it was a bruise. i think i know the difference between a bruise & a hickey.
Q (after a pause clapped his hands & said in a funny voice): i gave cassie a bruise.
me (not really believing my ears): what did you say?
Q: nothing
me: what did you say?
Q: what do you think i said?
me (grasping at straws): um, "i give gas and bruises"?
Q: no
me: what did you say
so this went on for a bit & i'll save you all of the back & forth, but the upshot was, the boy DID INDEED say "i gave cassie a bruise." now, as is evidenced by my name/nickname list above, cassie is not a name i go by. & he did mean to say "i gave beckah a bruise."
yup, kinda a fucker face thing to say considering i'd been an emotional wreck all week & barely resisting the urge to cry most days. & then the fact that i was crying before he picked me up. & at the beginning of the movie (& it was a horror movie for god's sake). but i didn't let him see me crying in the movie. so given how upset i'd been for a while you'd think this would've pushed me straight over the fucking brink & caused me to start really bawling. but it didn't. somehow, all i could do was kinda laugh at the whole thing.
now that doesn't mean that i didn't tease him about it. & here's the debate: Q says it'd be worse if we'd both been semi clothed & he called me the wrong name. i say it's worse when there's no fooling around because at least with fooling around you can claim temporary insanity from ecstasy. fully clothed just talking & no hanky panky at all & there's no excuse.
he asked if it made a difference that he'd just hung out with her recently. i told him nope didn't make a difference or make it better. & my rationale is that he'd been hanging out with me for the past few hours before he called me by the wrong name. so, i'm taking votes, which is worse? to be called the wrong name in the middle of flagrante delecto? or when taking emotional shelter in a friend?
i'm thinking of getting a t-shirt made up, black with hot pink across my tits with my name on it. possibly with glitter. maybe then there won't be confusion? or maybe it's just another way for me to get attention focused on my boobs. only time will tell.
no where in the above list is the name cassie.
so friday night i went out with a friend of mine Q (the name has been changed to protect the innocent, er, the guilty, er, well, to keep the boy from blushing redder than rudolph on christmas eve). so Q is a friend of mine who just so happens to be a boy. & we're pretty good friends. we're sort of friends with some extra benefits. (is everyone reading between the lines here?) ok, so Q & i sometimes get nekkid & have some fun. he's a boy. he's my friend. but he's not a boyfriend.
i had a really rough week last week (more on that to come in a subsequent post), so Q & i went to see a movie & then we just kinda talked. it was really nice being able to hang out & kind of just talk & have someone listen without judging what i was saying or telling me how i should be feeling. like i said, it's been a rough few days, especially the closer my move date & my surgery get.
so at one point we're talking & Q tells me this story about how this other girl that he's seeing (one again, are we all on the same PAGE?) accidentally said, er moaned, someone else's name during a not very cool moment. yeah, awkward. i'll be honest, i felt bad for the boy because that is a horribly sucky & super uncomfortable situation. i'm guessing. i, for one, have never said the wrong name in that kind of position, nor have i been called the wrong name in that situation. so yeah, felt bad for the boy.
a few minutes later i wound up telling him that after the last time we "hung out" i woke up with a really odd bruise that i couldn't figure out how it got there. the conversation went something like this:
Q: do you bruise easily or are you anemic?
me: sometimes i bruise easily, but i'm not anemic.
Q: are you sure it wasn't a hickey?
me (with an eyeroll): it was a bruise. i think i know the difference between a bruise & a hickey.
Q (after a pause clapped his hands & said in a funny voice): i gave cassie a bruise.
me (not really believing my ears): what did you say?
Q: nothing
me: what did you say?
Q: what do you think i said?
me (grasping at straws): um, "i give gas and bruises"?
Q: no
me: what did you say
so this went on for a bit & i'll save you all of the back & forth, but the upshot was, the boy DID INDEED say "i gave cassie a bruise." now, as is evidenced by my name/nickname list above, cassie is not a name i go by. & he did mean to say "i gave beckah a bruise."
yup, kinda a fucker face thing to say considering i'd been an emotional wreck all week & barely resisting the urge to cry most days. & then the fact that i was crying before he picked me up. & at the beginning of the movie (& it was a horror movie for god's sake). but i didn't let him see me crying in the movie. so given how upset i'd been for a while you'd think this would've pushed me straight over the fucking brink & caused me to start really bawling. but it didn't. somehow, all i could do was kinda laugh at the whole thing.
now that doesn't mean that i didn't tease him about it. & here's the debate: Q says it'd be worse if we'd both been semi clothed & he called me the wrong name. i say it's worse when there's no fooling around because at least with fooling around you can claim temporary insanity from ecstasy. fully clothed just talking & no hanky panky at all & there's no excuse.
he asked if it made a difference that he'd just hung out with her recently. i told him nope didn't make a difference or make it better. & my rationale is that he'd been hanging out with me for the past few hours before he called me by the wrong name. so, i'm taking votes, which is worse? to be called the wrong name in the middle of flagrante delecto? or when taking emotional shelter in a friend?
i'm thinking of getting a t-shirt made up, black with hot pink across my tits with my name on it. possibly with glitter. maybe then there won't be confusion? or maybe it's just another way for me to get attention focused on my boobs. only time will tell.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
is it insanity or motivation?
obviously there's a lot going on in my life right now. there's been more flux & change in the last year than in a few of the previous years combined. not that i'm bitching by any means at all. & i DID tell miss jenn that 2007 was going to rock hard core. . . & it did with both of us being promoted & all the other cool things that happened, but i feel like that was just the start of many huge things to happen. & now it's barely into a new year & i'm moving & having surgery & planning to finish my master's degree & actually graduate. . . kinda thinking '08 is going to blow '07 to smithereens in the changes category.
within the next two weeks i'll be moving & having the surgery. which, i know is somewhat insane, even as i sit here typing it i kind of want to say "what the FUCK are you thinking, chica?!" not like i would expect a response or anything. but i also realized that my living situation really is very very unhealthy & it would not be a good place to recover from a major operation. & while i can stay at my parents' house recuperating as long as i want to/need to, i also wouldn't be at ease with doing that because i'd be worried what kind of situation i would face coming back to my apartment.
i'm actually very excited about my new place. it's very close to work. my own space. i can completely have it decorated how ever i want. & it will be clean. i like the clean part. A LOT. i have no clue how i'm going to get all this done in the next few days, but somehow i'll get it done, i always do. more to come later.
within the next two weeks i'll be moving & having the surgery. which, i know is somewhat insane, even as i sit here typing it i kind of want to say "what the FUCK are you thinking, chica?!" not like i would expect a response or anything. but i also realized that my living situation really is very very unhealthy & it would not be a good place to recover from a major operation. & while i can stay at my parents' house recuperating as long as i want to/need to, i also wouldn't be at ease with doing that because i'd be worried what kind of situation i would face coming back to my apartment.
i'm actually very excited about my new place. it's very close to work. my own space. i can completely have it decorated how ever i want. & it will be clean. i like the clean part. A LOT. i have no clue how i'm going to get all this done in the next few days, but somehow i'll get it done, i always do. more to come later.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
a whole new world, er, wardrobe
i had the weirdest thought occur to me about a week ago. after the surgery i'll be losing weight pretty quickly, which means that i'm going to need to keep getting new clothes, just a piece as a time as needed until i level out. which is pretty much a "well d'uh" statement. & it really *IS* something that i had previously considered quite a bit (i'll get to the weird thought in a bit).
i've been going through my clothes & identifying the ones that are smaller, & of course the ones that are kinda tight & the ones that are just plain too small. taking a basic inventory. i have some gift cards for old navy that i plan on using to supplement my wardrobe as i need new items. i also figure with tshirts i can wear them for quite a while because they're a rather forgiving piece of clothing. so i'll need some new work clothes & then jeans. i'm guessing i'll also make great friends with the local good wills & consignment shops. & then i'll be passing on my clothes that are too big to someone else who could use them.
sounds like i have everything pretty much mapped out, eh? well i do now that i've had my weird thought. one thing i hadn't considered before was panties & bras. i'll definitely be in need of those post surgery. on occasion i've gone commando in the past, i mean, who hasn't? but the going braless thing, that's not something i'm too keen on. especially since one of my newest hobbies is running, it's just not an option.
now i'll be totally upfront & honest here, i really hope my tits don't get too much smaller. band size, sure, but cup size, oh god, please no. i like my boobies. they're not super huge, but they're quite lovely & i'm rather fond of them. they actually used to be quite a bit bigger when i was bigger (of course). totally unrelated to the underwear issue, but i am curious what my boobs will look like a year from now & i'm wondering if i'll want to get plastic surgery on them. only time will tell, eh?
so back to the panty issue. with jeans, skirts, shirts, & all of that i can always give away the clothes that are too big on me to a friend or family member in need. but you really can't give away underwear that's been worn, that's just on the nasty side of life. seriously. & even bras, you really can't just give those to someone. that's one of those things that you just want to buy brand new. seriously, who wants hand-me-down-panties? ew.
what will i do with these extra undergarments? it kinda seems like a waste to throw them out. but then again, they really aren't going to do me any good sitting in my closet. & i'm not going to hang onto my "fat panties" for posterity. i mean it's one thing to stand in one leg of a pair of jeans when you're skinny & it's another to pull out an old thong or bra & say: this used to fit me, let me show you how small i am now in comparison! i guess throwing them out kind of is my only option. unless i can get a creative suggestion for what to do with my soon to be cast aside bras & panties they'll be stuffed in a glad bag & thrown on the curb.
i've been going through my clothes & identifying the ones that are smaller, & of course the ones that are kinda tight & the ones that are just plain too small. taking a basic inventory. i have some gift cards for old navy that i plan on using to supplement my wardrobe as i need new items. i also figure with tshirts i can wear them for quite a while because they're a rather forgiving piece of clothing. so i'll need some new work clothes & then jeans. i'm guessing i'll also make great friends with the local good wills & consignment shops. & then i'll be passing on my clothes that are too big to someone else who could use them.
sounds like i have everything pretty much mapped out, eh? well i do now that i've had my weird thought. one thing i hadn't considered before was panties & bras. i'll definitely be in need of those post surgery. on occasion i've gone commando in the past, i mean, who hasn't? but the going braless thing, that's not something i'm too keen on. especially since one of my newest hobbies is running, it's just not an option.
now i'll be totally upfront & honest here, i really hope my tits don't get too much smaller. band size, sure, but cup size, oh god, please no. i like my boobies. they're not super huge, but they're quite lovely & i'm rather fond of them. they actually used to be quite a bit bigger when i was bigger (of course). totally unrelated to the underwear issue, but i am curious what my boobs will look like a year from now & i'm wondering if i'll want to get plastic surgery on them. only time will tell, eh?
so back to the panty issue. with jeans, skirts, shirts, & all of that i can always give away the clothes that are too big on me to a friend or family member in need. but you really can't give away underwear that's been worn, that's just on the nasty side of life. seriously. & even bras, you really can't just give those to someone. that's one of those things that you just want to buy brand new. seriously, who wants hand-me-down-panties? ew.
what will i do with these extra undergarments? it kinda seems like a waste to throw them out. but then again, they really aren't going to do me any good sitting in my closet. & i'm not going to hang onto my "fat panties" for posterity. i mean it's one thing to stand in one leg of a pair of jeans when you're skinny & it's another to pull out an old thong or bra & say: this used to fit me, let me show you how small i am now in comparison! i guess throwing them out kind of is my only option. unless i can get a creative suggestion for what to do with my soon to be cast aside bras & panties they'll be stuffed in a glad bag & thrown on the curb.
thought of the week: january 13-19th
it just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright, alright. ~jimmy eat world, the middle, bleed american
yes, i know, i've got a thing for jimmy eat world. i admit it. but they really are a fabulous band with just simply amazing lyrics. if you have not heard at least one of their albums i implore you to correct that over sight immediately. yes, i mean immediately. go to best buy, circuit city, cd warehouse, or cheapo, or any place that sells music & pick up something. i actually recommend the album clarity, it's the one jenn gave me for my birthday & it still makes me think every time that i hear it, just really flips my world. . . but i haven't found anything of theirs that i don't like. so go. shoo. get some jimmy. right now.
now that we all have jimmy. . .on with the blog. . .
this is a jimmy song that i actually fell in love with when i first heard it several years ago, but it's only been in the past couple weeks that i actually recalled that i've heard it before. & it's also been within the past couple weeks that i've become obsessed with it. the tempo is really upbeat, but it's listening to the lyrics that's the best part of it.
right now i've been struggling a bit with the overwhelming urge to scream at times. things at work have been pretty hectic because it's january. which, for anyone who doesn't work in the health insurance industry means: hella crazy busy! basically a bunch of people freak out as of the turn of the year about their new health insurance. & the most frustrating part is a lot of them signed up for the plans based on the cost per paycheck & not really actually paying attention to the plan they're signing up for. then with the bull shit at my apartment & having to find a new place , & then the surgery coming up basically right after i move into my new apartment. . . . .it's a lot to take in at one time & a short period of time.
& it's not like i'm really stressed out or depressed or anything. sometimes lately i just want to scream cause i think it may help. like if i could just go somewhere, yell really loudly, it may make the world slow down for a minute. & i do have a lot to be concerned about, but i'm doing my best not to worry, because that does absolutely no good for anyone. for my surgery i picked a wonderful doctor & a really respected hospital. as for my living situation i've found a new place, i'll be moving out of my current one in two weeks, so it's now just a matter of time passing & getting the keys to my new place. so nothing to really worry about there either.
so they lyrics are really right. i'm right in the middle of this whole crazy ride, too far in to go back, but not yet at the end. but i'll be all right in the end. & it's really helping with the surgery thing that i have so much support from my friends & my family. actually that is really helping with the move too. i have some volunteers all ready to brave the hell that is moving in the middle of winter because they love me so much. or they're looking forward to the lunch afterwards. or maybe they're just doing it so later, one day, when they come to me for a favor i will be unable too refuse.
yes, i know, i've got a thing for jimmy eat world. i admit it. but they really are a fabulous band with just simply amazing lyrics. if you have not heard at least one of their albums i implore you to correct that over sight immediately. yes, i mean immediately. go to best buy, circuit city, cd warehouse, or cheapo, or any place that sells music & pick up something. i actually recommend the album clarity, it's the one jenn gave me for my birthday & it still makes me think every time that i hear it, just really flips my world. . . but i haven't found anything of theirs that i don't like. so go. shoo. get some jimmy. right now.
now that we all have jimmy. . .on with the blog. . .
this is a jimmy song that i actually fell in love with when i first heard it several years ago, but it's only been in the past couple weeks that i actually recalled that i've heard it before. & it's also been within the past couple weeks that i've become obsessed with it. the tempo is really upbeat, but it's listening to the lyrics that's the best part of it.
right now i've been struggling a bit with the overwhelming urge to scream at times. things at work have been pretty hectic because it's january. which, for anyone who doesn't work in the health insurance industry means: hella crazy busy! basically a bunch of people freak out as of the turn of the year about their new health insurance. & the most frustrating part is a lot of them signed up for the plans based on the cost per paycheck & not really actually paying attention to the plan they're signing up for. then with the bull shit at my apartment & having to find a new place , & then the surgery coming up basically right after i move into my new apartment. . . . .it's a lot to take in at one time & a short period of time.
& it's not like i'm really stressed out or depressed or anything. sometimes lately i just want to scream cause i think it may help. like if i could just go somewhere, yell really loudly, it may make the world slow down for a minute. & i do have a lot to be concerned about, but i'm doing my best not to worry, because that does absolutely no good for anyone. for my surgery i picked a wonderful doctor & a really respected hospital. as for my living situation i've found a new place, i'll be moving out of my current one in two weeks, so it's now just a matter of time passing & getting the keys to my new place. so nothing to really worry about there either.
so they lyrics are really right. i'm right in the middle of this whole crazy ride, too far in to go back, but not yet at the end. but i'll be all right in the end. & it's really helping with the surgery thing that i have so much support from my friends & my family. actually that is really helping with the move too. i have some volunteers all ready to brave the hell that is moving in the middle of winter because they love me so much. or they're looking forward to the lunch afterwards. or maybe they're just doing it so later, one day, when they come to me for a favor i will be unable too refuse.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
well i'll be damn gobsmacked
yesterday i told my parents about my surgery. & that was the hardest part of this whole process. not because i'm scared of my parents, but because i was worried about how they would take the news. my parents are kind of "old school" people in that you don't have surgery unless it's absolutely necessary. as in your appendix is going to burst or you have pancreatitus & your gallbladder needs to come out or a tumor needs to be removed. that kind of thing. & when i was going through this process previously they were less than thrilled & considered the surgery a vanity thing & not necessary.
i told my mom in the morning before i went to work at the group home. i'll admit it, i cried a little when i told her. just because i was scared i was going to hurt her. & i try very hard not to ever intentionally inflict harm on someone i love (OK, i actually try never to inflict harm on anyone, even people i'm not so keen on). she was less than pleased when i told her, but her response really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. her exact words were, after a sigh of course:
"well, since you already have it scheduled i guess there's nothing i can do about it."
she also said she can't understand how any surgeon would be willing to do the operation on me & that she just doesn't think i'm that big. which i can see from her point of view since she's known me my whole life she remembers when i was 60 lbs bigger than i am now & a lot less physically fit.
but after a little bit, like ten to fifteen minutes of kinda processing it & thinking it over she went into MOM PLANNING MODE. she started asking me questions about the logistics of my surgery, asked to look at my info from HCMC, & then started planning. really hard core planning. as in where i'll be sleeping when i stay with them for the first couple of days post surgery, getting the time off work to stay with me, even starting to make a preliminary grocery list for me for the food i need pre-surgery & post-surgery.
my mom rocks.
& believe it or not she was the one that i was less worried about telling between my parents. i was really worried about telling my dad. here's the thing about my dad. except for my mom, my siblings, & myself my dad doesn't really have any family. ok, it's not like he crawled under a rock or out of a dickens novel or anything. he technically has family, but they've never BEEN a family to him or for him. they show up when they want money, something he owns, or help moving (basically all in all i don't have many warm fuzzies towards any of his living relatives). because he basically has just his immediate family, he's very protective of us. he tries to do everything in his power, & sometimes things out of his power, to make sure that we're safe & insulted from some of the ugliness of the world.
i was actually in kind of a panic mode most of the night at the group home. because i knew i had to tell my dad, i figured he would NOT take the news well, & i knew that on this one issue even though my mom was supporting me, she didn't agree with the decision & she wouldn't be my wingman on it. yeah, tough thing for a saturday night, eh? but i had to do it because it wouldn't be fair to wait until closer to the surgery, & since my mom knew, my dad had to know.
i'm proud of the fact that i didn't cry when i told my dad. i waited til he & my mom were done watching the ten o'clock news and just said, "on monday february 11th at 7:30am i'm having gastric bypass surgery & i would like you to be there for me." which, btw, hardest thing i've ever had to tell my dad. & i waited. really expecting him to yell or be upset or absolutely forbid it & tell me over his dead body. instead he asked me one question:
"is your doctor recommending this?"
when i told him yes she was & the reasons. that was all he needed. you could have pushed me over with a breath, not even a feather, but a breath. i was, & in a way still am, completely fucking gobsmacked over it. not that i wanted my dad to be upset in anyway, i'm actually really pleased that he's taking this so well, but i'm also kind of shocked still.
then again, people surprise you all the time. so four weeks & counting. & a lot of my fear has subsided now that my parents & my siblings know & are completely supportive of me. because while i love my friends, those are the people that matter most in the world to me. & having them there to hold my hand, watch over me, & just be with me, it makes it all a whole lot less frightening.
i told my mom in the morning before i went to work at the group home. i'll admit it, i cried a little when i told her. just because i was scared i was going to hurt her. & i try very hard not to ever intentionally inflict harm on someone i love (OK, i actually try never to inflict harm on anyone, even people i'm not so keen on). she was less than pleased when i told her, but her response really wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. her exact words were, after a sigh of course:
"well, since you already have it scheduled i guess there's nothing i can do about it."
she also said she can't understand how any surgeon would be willing to do the operation on me & that she just doesn't think i'm that big. which i can see from her point of view since she's known me my whole life she remembers when i was 60 lbs bigger than i am now & a lot less physically fit.
but after a little bit, like ten to fifteen minutes of kinda processing it & thinking it over she went into MOM PLANNING MODE. she started asking me questions about the logistics of my surgery, asked to look at my info from HCMC, & then started planning. really hard core planning. as in where i'll be sleeping when i stay with them for the first couple of days post surgery, getting the time off work to stay with me, even starting to make a preliminary grocery list for me for the food i need pre-surgery & post-surgery.
my mom rocks.
& believe it or not she was the one that i was less worried about telling between my parents. i was really worried about telling my dad. here's the thing about my dad. except for my mom, my siblings, & myself my dad doesn't really have any family. ok, it's not like he crawled under a rock or out of a dickens novel or anything. he technically has family, but they've never BEEN a family to him or for him. they show up when they want money, something he owns, or help moving (basically all in all i don't have many warm fuzzies towards any of his living relatives). because he basically has just his immediate family, he's very protective of us. he tries to do everything in his power, & sometimes things out of his power, to make sure that we're safe & insulted from some of the ugliness of the world.
i was actually in kind of a panic mode most of the night at the group home. because i knew i had to tell my dad, i figured he would NOT take the news well, & i knew that on this one issue even though my mom was supporting me, she didn't agree with the decision & she wouldn't be my wingman on it. yeah, tough thing for a saturday night, eh? but i had to do it because it wouldn't be fair to wait until closer to the surgery, & since my mom knew, my dad had to know.
i'm proud of the fact that i didn't cry when i told my dad. i waited til he & my mom were done watching the ten o'clock news and just said, "on monday february 11th at 7:30am i'm having gastric bypass surgery & i would like you to be there for me." which, btw, hardest thing i've ever had to tell my dad. & i waited. really expecting him to yell or be upset or absolutely forbid it & tell me over his dead body. instead he asked me one question:
"is your doctor recommending this?"
when i told him yes she was & the reasons. that was all he needed. you could have pushed me over with a breath, not even a feather, but a breath. i was, & in a way still am, completely fucking gobsmacked over it. not that i wanted my dad to be upset in anyway, i'm actually really pleased that he's taking this so well, but i'm also kind of shocked still.
then again, people surprise you all the time. so four weeks & counting. & a lot of my fear has subsided now that my parents & my siblings know & are completely supportive of me. because while i love my friends, those are the people that matter most in the world to me. & having them there to hold my hand, watch over me, & just be with me, it makes it all a whole lot less frightening.
news from beckah's world
on monday february 11th i'll be having gastric bypass surgery.
i know i went down this whole surgery path about a year ago, put the brakes on with a squeal that could've shattered glass & said "um, i need a minute." & while i lost about a year as far as weight loss goes, i'm not unhappy that i decided to wait & think it over a bit more. i think that if i would've gone through with the surgery then i may have had some lingering doubts if i did the right thing. & right now i have no doubts.
that doesn't mean i'm not scared. because i am. i'm so damn petrified at times i can barely breathe. but i'm also excited & looking forward to the surgery. & i'm also really curious. because i know what to expect from the medical end. i have pamphlets & hand outs & information galore on possible complications. what i can expect to maybe feel physically post surgery. what i can eat. how much i can eat. & all of that.
i'm trying to wrap my mind around what i may wind up looking like. how i'll feel. how it will feel to lose a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time. i'm going to wind up weighing less than i ever have in my adult life. & that's basically about half my life right now. how do i prepare myself for that? because no matter how much you've thought about something, prepared for it, & considered it from every angle. you can't REALLY know how you're going to feel in any one situation until you're actually there.
but that's where i'm at right now. new apartment in the next few weeks, and then just after that, a surgery. once again, 2008 is a busy year.
i know i went down this whole surgery path about a year ago, put the brakes on with a squeal that could've shattered glass & said "um, i need a minute." & while i lost about a year as far as weight loss goes, i'm not unhappy that i decided to wait & think it over a bit more. i think that if i would've gone through with the surgery then i may have had some lingering doubts if i did the right thing. & right now i have no doubts.
that doesn't mean i'm not scared. because i am. i'm so damn petrified at times i can barely breathe. but i'm also excited & looking forward to the surgery. & i'm also really curious. because i know what to expect from the medical end. i have pamphlets & hand outs & information galore on possible complications. what i can expect to maybe feel physically post surgery. what i can eat. how much i can eat. & all of that.
i'm trying to wrap my mind around what i may wind up looking like. how i'll feel. how it will feel to lose a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time. i'm going to wind up weighing less than i ever have in my adult life. & that's basically about half my life right now. how do i prepare myself for that? because no matter how much you've thought about something, prepared for it, & considered it from every angle. you can't REALLY know how you're going to feel in any one situation until you're actually there.
but that's where i'm at right now. new apartment in the next few weeks, and then just after that, a surgery. once again, 2008 is a busy year.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
i'll always be a st. paul girl at heart
i'm taking control of my life, doing the adult thing, & moving to a new apartment. i really like my b-r, i'm going to be sad to not see him so often because we really do get along quite well. he's a lot of fun to have as a roommate. & just as a person i get along quite smashingly with him. i will say i think it's unfair that any one boy should be so skinny especially since he eats a lot of pizza. but it's one of those endearing things. just like my sister can tell someone to their face she thinks they're an ugly slut & they think she's joking, even though she's dead serious. it's one of those qualities to admire.
now, it's not that i don't like g-r, i just don't think we should live together. especially with the fact that we work together. (did i mention the fact that i referred her to my place of work? if i didn't, yeah, update, i referred her back in the summer & we now work at the same place). & there are so many things going on at the apartment that i'm just not cool with. BUT. i'm going to be an adult, not talk smack, & just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.
with that said. i found my new place & i'll be heading out to the burbs. i found a nice little place in plymouth, super close to work. it's just the right size for me, not too big, not too small. the perfect place for me to just tuck in & write & do the things i want to do with my life right now. i'll be able to move in february 1st, maybe a little earlier, which is just perfect. i'm hoping for a bit earlier.
once i make a decision about something i'm decided. which is both wonderful because it means that i'm really sure & it sucks because sometimes the rest of the world doesn't move as fast as i would like it to. & then typically in the mean time i've driven all my friends & family crazy with my indecisiveness & waffling on the issue. but i have a really good feeling about this place. it's going to be my very own space. & it'll be nice to not have to deal with someone else in my bathroom, making a mess in the kitchen, someone else's food crowding the fridge or freezer. or just dealing with the fact that someone else is living in the same apartment as me. like i said. it's not ALL bad having a roommate. but i'm ready to try it on my own for a while.
one thing that will take some time to adjust to is living in the suburbs. i realized today on my drive home that i've lived in st. paul for 27 years. i moved here ON my 3rd birthday from a tiny town in north dakota. & since then i've been a city girl through & through. i've lived in 3 houses in st. paul, one dorm, and two apartments. all WITHIN the city limits. before that i lived in the godforsaken middle of fucking nowhere, north dakota (btw, north dakota was not good to my family, so i'm not really a big fan). so for all the time i can remember i've lived in the city & been a city girl.
& i'm wondering how badly i'll miss it. i'm going to love being close to work, i already know that. but there is a lot i really like about the city. at my current apartment there is a 24-7 diner just down the road. & i mean LITERALLY 24-7. they don't even close on christmas. & i know of all these quaint little one of a kind stores. in the suburbs everything is all chains pretty much. there's no little mom & pop joints. . . .or, i haven't found any yet. oh, wait. there is the ham shop near work. but there are 2 of those, so technically kinda a chain.
but my parents still live in st. paul. & they still have custody of my "children" (meaning my 2 cats & my dog. . .i don't have any souvenirs). & there are enough things i like about st. paul that i'll make it a point to go there once every other week or so.
in the mean time, i need to start packing my apartment & sorting my stuff & getting ready for my big move. & other big things happening in my life, which i will update more later. but for now i'm super tired, this is a long posting, & the rest i can't go into explicit detail just yet.
now, it's not that i don't like g-r, i just don't think we should live together. especially with the fact that we work together. (did i mention the fact that i referred her to my place of work? if i didn't, yeah, update, i referred her back in the summer & we now work at the same place). & there are so many things going on at the apartment that i'm just not cool with. BUT. i'm going to be an adult, not talk smack, & just chalk it up to irreconcilable differences.
with that said. i found my new place & i'll be heading out to the burbs. i found a nice little place in plymouth, super close to work. it's just the right size for me, not too big, not too small. the perfect place for me to just tuck in & write & do the things i want to do with my life right now. i'll be able to move in february 1st, maybe a little earlier, which is just perfect. i'm hoping for a bit earlier.
once i make a decision about something i'm decided. which is both wonderful because it means that i'm really sure & it sucks because sometimes the rest of the world doesn't move as fast as i would like it to. & then typically in the mean time i've driven all my friends & family crazy with my indecisiveness & waffling on the issue. but i have a really good feeling about this place. it's going to be my very own space. & it'll be nice to not have to deal with someone else in my bathroom, making a mess in the kitchen, someone else's food crowding the fridge or freezer. or just dealing with the fact that someone else is living in the same apartment as me. like i said. it's not ALL bad having a roommate. but i'm ready to try it on my own for a while.
one thing that will take some time to adjust to is living in the suburbs. i realized today on my drive home that i've lived in st. paul for 27 years. i moved here ON my 3rd birthday from a tiny town in north dakota. & since then i've been a city girl through & through. i've lived in 3 houses in st. paul, one dorm, and two apartments. all WITHIN the city limits. before that i lived in the godforsaken middle of fucking nowhere, north dakota (btw, north dakota was not good to my family, so i'm not really a big fan). so for all the time i can remember i've lived in the city & been a city girl.
& i'm wondering how badly i'll miss it. i'm going to love being close to work, i already know that. but there is a lot i really like about the city. at my current apartment there is a 24-7 diner just down the road. & i mean LITERALLY 24-7. they don't even close on christmas. & i know of all these quaint little one of a kind stores. in the suburbs everything is all chains pretty much. there's no little mom & pop joints. . . .or, i haven't found any yet. oh, wait. there is the ham shop near work. but there are 2 of those, so technically kinda a chain.
but my parents still live in st. paul. & they still have custody of my "children" (meaning my 2 cats & my dog. . .i don't have any souvenirs). & there are enough things i like about st. paul that i'll make it a point to go there once every other week or so.
in the mean time, i need to start packing my apartment & sorting my stuff & getting ready for my big move. & other big things happening in my life, which i will update more later. but for now i'm super tired, this is a long posting, & the rest i can't go into explicit detail just yet.
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