& the play of the day goes to (language warning)

so, i'm going to preface this with there has been a lot of bullshit going on regarding my living situation. which i've not written about due to the fact that one of my roommates has my blog address. but. i've decided i am not going to stifle myself anymore.

& if i don't mention them by name in anyway, then why the fuck not write about the bullshit? it'll amuse someone, i'm sure. horrify others, but amuse at least some.

so, update: i have two roommates a boy & a girl. from here on known as b-r & g-r, for boy roommate & girl roommate, pretty obvious, then again, there are lots of pretty obvious things that need to be spelled out.

the bullshit revolves around g-r. (& for all of you curious about the boy drama: here's the cliff notes version) there have been a lot of little things that have made me shake my head & wonder out loud, more than once "what the fuck?" since i moved in here, but the thing that made me finally decide that things are completely & totally fucked & also completely irreparable is the boy situation.

i'll admit my boy free year wound up being more like nine months. but it was more than enough. so in september i started seeing a guy that i've been friends with for three years. we were dating & etc. one day both g-r & i happened to be home & she asked about the boy i'd been seeing, i foolishly showed her his online profile.

suddenly the two of them are flirting & IM-ing each other & becoming a little more involved than any girl should be with her roommate's boy, or any boy should be with the roommate of the girl he's dating. they both basically blamed the other one saying most of the culpability lay with the other party. (for the record i think they're both fucking lying & they're both more responsible than either will admit)

needless to say, not really seeing that boy anymore.

i was willing to write that off as a one time lapse in judgement on the part of g-r. & the boy was a huge flirt, so i could see him pushing things. & since i didn't have any delusions about keeping him around for a long term anything, i wasn't super broken up about it. i would have preferred to have more of a say in things, but, whatever.

SO. in the midst of all the bullshit with that boy going down, i was seeing another boy. who evidently g-r knew from online. according to her she didn't like him, he'd been pursuing her for years & she was horrified that he knew where she lived. she saw him leaving the apartment one day, but he didn't see her.

i took her at her word, once again, foolishly.

a few days after she saw second boy leaving the apartment he & i are talking & he says he can't see me anymore. he had no clue she was my roommate & he refused to step foot in my apartment again. he actually said it was best we not see each other at all. just cause i live with her. OH, and BTW: he mentions in passing she's talking shit about me behind my back.

i know.
i know.
i know.

& for all of you that have known me for years: yes, i did, & have thus far, resisted the urge to punch anyone in the face. i know. it is a fucking miracle.

so boy two wouldn't say what she said.

his story is she has been chasing him & he doesn't want anything to do with her. her story is the same but with him chasing her. once again, i don't completely believe either one.

but riddle me this, batman: now, how did the second boy know she was my roommate? because she fucking instant messaged him the second he left the apartment. (& she admitted this to me)

seriously. if there was someone you've been dodging for years, why would you instant message them the second they walked out of your apartment to tell them they were just in your apartment? that is completely illogical & asinine. so i'm more inclined to believe the boy on this one. because if my roommate brought someone home who creeped me out & i'd been dodging, i would tell them & ask them to not let that person know i live there.

yes, that is what anyone would do. you don't IM your creepy stalkerish boy & tell him "dude, you were just at my apartment."

i'm not even going to pretend that g-r & i are/were in anyway bestest buddies, but the whole boy drama basically assured that i will never be best buddies with her. it's just wrong on so many levels.

"so, beckah, after sitting on all of this information for two months, why suddenly go into it now?" very good question.

& this will seem bizarre to some: but the reason for tonight is all about the booze. i had an open bottle of tequila rose in the freezer. for anyone not familiar with this liquor, it's a cream based liquor. an open bottle needs to be kept cold (DUH). well i like to keep mine in the freezer. so i had it happily in the freezer chilling out until i wanted it.

tonight i was making dinner & i opened the freezer & noticed it was gone. & i don't deal well with people messing with my stuff. i happen to look up & the bottle is on top of the fridge. i feel it & it's fucking room temperature. which means the damn bottle has been out of the freezer for quite some time to lose all of the chill factor, because the thick black glass gets frosted when it's in the freezer.

how do i know it wasn't b-r? let's see: he's been gone for the majority of the past few weeks. & he has completely given up on attempting to use our freezer. & there was a package of frozen vegetables where my booze had been. hmmmm...yeah, that pretty much does add up to g-r.

SO, in addition to interfering with my social life, she's fucking with my booze. unacceptable.

i call: roommate foul, alcohol abuse, & intoxication interference.

ok, funniest frickin thing at work this WHOLE week!

i'm on my lunch break right now & i happened to stroll by miss jenn's desk after i heated up my lunch. the sad part about us both being promoted is there is not really a chance any more of us having lunch together. because i'm on lunch from noon-1pm each day, and while i'm on lunch she's primary back-up on my helpline. so yeah, that unequivocally sucks, but i'll get over that & it's not really relevant to the story at hand anyway.

 

so i bounced by her desk with my lunch (grilled chicken cordon bleu along with cheese stuffed spinach tortellini with spray butter & a diet coke to drink). i was thinking if she was free i'd spend my lunch hour visiting with her. as it turns out she had one of the newbie reps there & was helping her with an issue. so i said hi anyway & jenn was kind of craning her neck & peeking & trying to see what was in my tupperware. so i set it down on her desk and she says to me "don't set that down or i'll eat the WHOLE thing."

 

well, i don't listen, do i? nope, hardly never. (yes that's a double negative & i'm ok with that. but i still don't listen much :) )

 

so i open it up and tell her & the newbie what i have for lunch & i tell jenn i have extra of the pasta & the spray butter in the fridge if she wants some. she declines but then reaches in & grabs a tortellini, which i'm fine with. & the newbie is asking me to make jenn take a lunch & actually eat some food. the newbie & i agreed jenn really should be taking a lunch & eating real food & she says to us "i'm fine. that will hold me over."

 

to which the newbie responds "that will hold you over? who are you, kate moss?"

 

i did laugh pretty hard about that one & even gave the newbie a high five. good newbie.

 

IN OTHER NEWS: at work we're doing the weight loss competition again. i'm corralling fifteen people. YES, fifteen people. jesus effing bobby. we've got three levels of winners & we're doing this for twelve weeks. so check the farm people blog again, i'll be updating it once more. & once more i'm getting my butt handed to me. after week one i'm in 4th place. yeah, 4th of 15 isn't bad, but it's still not enough to get me into the big money! so i shouldn't be gnoshing on the tortellini either. . .or the popcorn i had for a morning snack. . .or the wine i had with dinner last night. . .or the dark chocolate m&m's i had yesterday afternoon. . .ok. . .i'm in 4th place for a good reason. but more on the farm people blog!

last night of class

so tonight was the last night of my class, how to write a suspenseful novel. i loved the class & i'm actually kinda bummed it's over, i really can't believe it's finished already. it really does seem like i just started the class.

when the class started i only knew one other person in the class, a guy that was in my class last spring, who is, simply awesome. he's a fabulous writer, funny as hell, & just kind of the sorta laid back guy that it's just fun to talk to. & he always has the most interesting point of view on, well, everything. not like i didn't like my other classmates, cause i really do/did. but sometimes it's nice to have that one familiar face. it's one less name for me to remember : )

everyone in class was/is so talented i would read their work from week to week & i was just simply gobsmacked. as far as genres go we had everything from romance to fantasy to young adult to mystery to everything in between. i'm not sure where i would put my book, somewhere in th middle maybe?

one of my goals for the class was to finish my current novel to determine if i was going to do a thesis with concentrations in both fiction and poetry, or drop the fiction piece. basically i put the assignment on myself that i had to finish my novel by the end of this semester/calendar year in order to be able to finish thesis with both. i had the notion that if i didn't finish the novel by the end of this class i never would.

well. WELL. yeah, not so much finished. but i feel pretty damn good about it. which is a damn sight better than i was feeling back in september about this whole thing. so i'm not giving up on my novel, just yet. the class helped me get a really clear vision of what i want/need to happen. i also found out a lot about my character that i didn't know at the start of class (some day i'll write a blog: inside the mind of a writer. . . but for now i would rather stay outside a mental ward & unmedicated, thank you very much!).

i actually feel, just a wee bit, at peace with my writing right now. it's a good place.

the girl who knows it all

on friday october 12th the official word went out at work that i was given the newest QA (quality assurance) position at work. so i went from being a phone rep to being a QA. now instead of just being the girl who thinks she knows it all, they've officially made me the girl who really does know it all.

yeah.

SCARY.

don't get me wrong, it's awesome, but frightening at the same time too. i started my new position monday november 5th, so i've been doing it for about a month now. & so far so good.

basically being a QA involves two main components: doing call evaluations & manning a helpline. my helpline just officially opened last week, so i haven't been doing that too long. i'm the only QA for a select group of reps, so i have a separate helpline from the other QAs. yeah, no pressure there ; )

as for the evaluations, those are pretty easy to do. in a way it's a lot like when i was teaching. we have a rubric that phone reps are given that tells them what they need to do in order for the call to be perfect, just like when i was a teacher i gave my students rubrics letting them know what they had to do on their paper/project to get a perfect score. in theory everyone could always get perfect scores. doesn't happen, but in theory.

there are a couple things that i really love about my new job: i'm salaried so i have more flexibility in my hours & i like the fact that i'm able to help other reps with their issues. i like not being tied to a phone for every second of my day (just my helpline hours). i also like being able to help the other reps become more knowledgeable. i also get to help in the training classes with the newbies. which is really uber awesome.


so, as far as my work goes, that's the latest 411 from beckah world. exciting stuff, eh? i'll update on the other stuff soon. three blogs for one day is a lot :)

thought of the week: october 14-20 (late entry)

i've been away for so long (so long), i let you go for so long, it's a nice day to start again (come on), it's a nice day for a white wedding, it's a nice day to start again, (pick it up), take me back home, there is nothin' fair in this world, there is nothin' safe in this world, and there is nothin' sure in this world, and there is nothin' pure in this world, look for something left in this world, start again, come on

billy idol, white wedding

so, my older sister paulette got married on saturday october 20th in litchfield, connecticut. i was there along with my parents. some of paulette's family from her mother's side was there also, two of her aunts, two of her uncles, & her cousin. (for those not up to date on the beckah geneology, paulette has a different mom than i do, she's my dad's youngest daughter from his first marriage). it was a really beautiful wedding at a gorgeous location with lots of great food, free wine tastings, & lots of swag. you have to love east coast weddings.

i picked this quote for two reasons: the first being that paulette's older sister used to tell her that she always thought of paulette when she heard this song (they really WERE children of the 80's, paulette 7 years older than me & her sister 9 years older). the second reason is that when reading the lyrics they seemed oddly appropriate. & here are the reasons why, lyric line by lyric line:

~i've been away for so long (so long)

true story. when i pulled into paulette's driveway on wednesday the 17th it had been over four years since i'd seen her. the last time i had been out east to see her was right after her son died (the one who inspired my dragonfly tattoo)

~i let you go for so long

once again. true story. non fiction. i had let go of her. i was too wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, &, in a way, i feel guilty because i wonder if i did abandon her when she needed me the most. it's not like i came back to mn in the fall of 2003 & never called her again, cause i did call her. but while i was dealing with breaking up with TSSOB, redefining my life & bridesmaid-ing for tina, paulette was left with an empty house & her own SOB (logan's daddy was not nice). & eventually, over the months, she moved & i couldn't find her. i had to wait for her to get in touch with me. we actually didn't talk for probably well over a year, almost two years actually. & that makes me sad. really frickin sad. i missed her.

~it's a nice day to start again

& once again: true true story. it was a gorgeous day in connecticut on satruday the 20th. it started off a wee bit over cast, a little gloomy, but that didn't last long. she had an evening wedding & by the time it was time for her to leave the house the weather was perfect. gorgeous fall colors everywhere we looked. the sky was clear with just a few poofy little clouds. & on the way to the vineyard for the wedding i actually saw a rainbow. & not just a faint section, but we could see the whole rainbow over litchfield. wicked cool.

~take me back home
now, i'm not delusional, & i know paulette will never move back home to minnesota, but there's something about seeing her again that feels like home. i won't pretend that she & i were extremely close when i was growing up, 'cause we weren't. she is 7 years older than me, which can be a big age difference when it's 7 and 14. there were other mitigating circumstances too. but the point is, going to see her, be there for her wedding, it's taking me back to an emotional home, that i've really missed.

~there is nothin' sure in this world, there is nothin' pure in this world
ok, pessimistic view, thanks billy, but it's also kind of true. there isn't really much that you can count on besides yourself. friends & family will, usually if they're worth a damn, will do their best to do right by you, i mean, they won't deliberately screw you, once again, if they're worth anything as friends/family. now this has less to do with paulette & her wedding & more to do with me in general in my life. & i'm sure i'll go into this more in an upcoming post: but people in general can be major asses. & i've recently learned the hard way to keep more to myself & to not trust people further than i can throw them. & i can't throw most mother fuckers very far.

~look for something left in this world, start again
& this is what i'm trying to do. i think it's what we're all trying to do in a way. & there's not really much more i want to say at this point about this.

so, we'll call this done.

the oddest damn case of insomnia

so gang, i've been suffering from the oddest case of insomnia. for the past couple of days i haven't slept a single night straight through.

it started this past week, it was wednesday night, well, technically thursday morning. i work up thursday at a little before 5am. for no reason. no alarm, nothing. just dead asleep one second & then the widest of wide awake the next.

my first reaction, while staring at my ceiling in the dark was:
FUCK!
FUUUUCK!

I got up, went to the bathroom, crawled back into bed, curled up in the most comfiest bed in the world, and tried to go back to sleep.

NO DICE.

so i did what any insane girl living in minnesota would do at 5 in the morning when she can't sleep: i packed my bag for work, got dressed, went to the Y for an early morning workout, and then went to work.

of course.

my sleep has been pretty fragmented since then. i've been sleeping in small few hour at a time segments since then. saturday morning i woke up somewhere around 4:30-ish am, ok, PARTLY cause a boy from OZ (australia) called me & hung up after like a nanosecond cause he thought i was asleep. but even without that call, i would have been up much earlier than i intended.

& now, i'm typing this at almost half past five am. i've been awake for about an hour and a half. for no good reason. just am.

what do we say boys & girls?

yup:

FUUCK!

this sucks.

maybe it's the universe's way of telling me to use the quiet morning hours to work out? or better yet, write?

so if you're bored at 4:30am. call me. i'm probably awake already.

yes, i am bragging

so, i am posting this blog from the group home via my iphone. i won't post like this very often cause touch screen typing can take me a while. but had to try it & see if I could & i can & that makes me a happy panda!

bring the boys to the cities!

attention everyone!

number one fan is doing a farewell tour & to get them to come to the twin cites we need to request them! so please, click the link & bring the boys here. these guys are phenomenal. look them up on myspace or go out & buy their cd!

OKAY!

so i'm super freaking lame.

i've come to terms with this.

i know it was BEFORE my sister's wedding that i wrote anything substantial. & i feel i need to do so soon, i miss my blog, & i think my blog misses me.

here's the cliff notes version of my life in the last month:
~got a new car
~got promoted at work
~went to ct for my sister's wedding
~had lots of family drama in ct
~had LOTS OF BOY DRAMA back home in mn
~started nanowrimo

doesn't seem like much when i type it all out like that. but it's been very all consuming. i am still planning on doing my thought of the week segments. & plan on catching up on the past ones. how many is it now? one million? *winks* but. i miss blogging. a lot.

so harass me with comments when i get lazy.

is anyone still out there?

bueller?

bueller?

more work inappropriateness

once again, i /heart my friends! this was created for me by a friend who's moving on to a new job *tear* but she wanted to leave a little something to remember her by. & YES, once again, my friends are so work inappropriate, but i LOVE them for it!

now. there is a story as to why she drew me a pole dancing snow person. my new cube has a big frickin pole between my cube & my neighbor's cube, so we've been nicknamed the pole dancers of the team. awesome, eh? &, then there's the fact that i do have a pink feather boa in my cube just because, well, it's fun.

& YES, that is a snow man waving a dollar bill down in the "pit" for our lady in pink. . . ever seen a snow person in fishnets before?

this says it all, yo

my friends are wholly inappropriate, even at work,
which is why we get along so well.

with that said: this pretty well sums up my life right now.

interpret that however you will.

i know i do.

happy halloween!

i hope everyone had a great halloween. i wasn't able to post yesterday, but here's some pics of me in my costume & then me with my new ear piercing. cheers!

thought of the week: october 28-november 3

and i say oh...seems like i'm always on my own, seems like i'm never coming home, seems like i'm always on my...ohhhhhhh, all the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...
~augustana, stars and boulevards, all the stars and boulevards

there are some days that end & i think to myself, that i really wish i could get a do over because i feel that i didn't do myself right by the end of it. today, is one of those days. ok, well, maybe not TECHNICALLY today, cause it's technically 4am on sunday & i haven't really done enough to royally fuck up the day.

but saturday. for saturday i wish i could have a do over.

not that anything significant really happened: good or bad. but i just got home & realized that when all was said & done, the checks measured against the balances, everything weighed out & measured: i really did myself a disservice. the exact details are not even really that important, so i won't even mention them, but the general tone & over arching path of the night are what is the important part. & what happened was, once again, in the end i acquiesced to someone else's wishes & gave up too easily on what i wanted to do, what was the best for me.

like i said previously, nothing bad happened, nothing good either. but i don't feel good about the path of the events of my night. i allowed myself to be persuaded from my plans to do something that, in the end, was not nearly as enjoyable or satisfying, to my mind, as what i could have been doing. of course, i can't say for certain that things would have been better had i stuck to my original plans, but i do feel i wouldn't have this feeling of discontent with myself.

how does augustana & the above lyrics fit in? there are a couple of ways the lyrics fit into this rambling rant. for one, the first actually, is that i was sitting curled up in bed with my lappy & that song was playing on my ipod. & i caught those lyrics as i was listening to my ipod & the tone of the song & the lyrics peaked my attention & i realized the song is doing a great job of mimicking my emotional & mental state right now.

i just suddenly realized how disappointed i am for not following through on my original plan, what i wanted to do, & letting myself be taken along on this ride. & i also realized for me, it's not just the big battles, but the everyday small ones that actually seem to matter the most. & it's those small little issues daily, or every other day, or how ever often they happen, that are the things that will shape the arch of my life the most.

jenn was right when she texted me earlier: i was "not happy" tonight. it's not that i was sad per se, or depressed, or even upset; but i was not happy either. i was at that point where i was not happy, but not really anything else either. a sort of emotional limbo zone. partly because there was something in my brain that knew i would not be ok by the end of the night if i continued on with the way things were, but the feeling wasn't well formed enough for me to vocalize it to jenn, much less to my self.

it's the small things i need to stand up for.

getting glimpses of my home, but i just can't quite get there. it's like which brings me to the second reason for the lyric choice for today's writing. coming home is not just a physical place. it's a mental & emotional state of being. & lately i do feel that i'm on a track & i roll through my home town, but something keeps preventing me from getting off the train, so i see home, i'm there for a moment, & then i'm rolling through it, away from it, having to wait to circle around again to try to hop off the train & finally go home for good.

i guess that's progress, a bit anyway, to start to identify my problem. according to AA, (from what i've been told anyway, i'm not actually in AA), the first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one. this is nothing new either. just different packaging on the same thoughts. except, previously the lament had been mn beckah vs cali beckah, so in a way it's much simpler now. as sinead put it in her comments to me on a previous blog: i've always been both of those people, they're the same person, just different facets, & i'm both all the time always. which means, even while i'm not being true to myself, on nights like tonight, i still have that stubborn girl inside me who is standing with her feet planted, eyes steady & serious, saying: NO, i will do what i want, i will do what's best for me, & you can fuck off if you try to interfere.

this is NOT to say that i am opposed to compromise, because i'm not in anyway opposed to a little give & take. when it's appropriate for the situation. but i can't always be the one to give on what i want. if i am always going to bend the most on my opinions, feelings, plans, everything, then i may have well stayed with TSSOB & i know that's not a place that i would have been ok. i'm smart enough that usually i can tell what issues are worth dying for (to quote my mother).

each day is a new chance to turn it all around again, right? right. so i'm going to bed now, for a while. then, when i wake up. it's my new chance, once again. & i'll keep reminding myself, through every action of my day, that i need to be good to myself & put myself first. because, gods know, if i don't put myself first, no one else is going to. just the rules of the game, fats. & ya can't win the game if ya don't know the rules of the game.

a wee quick note

i am currently in connecticut, my older sister got married yesterday. now that the wedding is over i'm hoping to post two thoughts of the week later today & get back to blogging. this has been one long strange trip this week.

oi.

& i /heart my friends because:

~going through my email tonight at work & i found the following message from miss april & it seems so appropriate, just had to share, this was in response to this blog posting (& yes, i do realize lately i've been spinning around the same few topics. i'll try to be more well rounded & whine about being fat more often)~



Yep.


I don’t really know how to respond to your post! *l*


It sounds like you want to be this person who


You were when you were coming back from the Playa, and


You’re stuck being MN Beckah. Seriously? You keep


Approaching this theme in your blogs…and you keep


Outlining plans of attack (YAY!!) but again, it’s like the


Same conversation you keep having with Kat and John…


It’s not going too far ….


Be selfish and cling to your alone time to write and ponder


Those wondrous ideas and thoughts I know you have. Make some


Headway with your goals. :-) You’ll feel better.


Goal 1) Work


Goal 2) Work Out


Goal 3) Write


Goal 4) Travel!


Simplify the way you live your life. :-)

thought of the week: october 7-13

hey now now, don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
~counting crows, big yellow taxi

i heard this song this morning & i've always loved it, even though it's kind of sad, despite the upbeat tempo. for all of you that have heard it before i'm pretty sure you're humming it now, right? i'm right, aren't i?



the reason i've picked this song is that while it's not outwardly deep, ie jimmy eat world or some of the other lyrics i've been posting recently, it does make me think, which is always a good thing. & this is something that seems to be fairly prevalent at times, taking away the beautiful & replacing it with something more utilitarian, more ugly, with a whole lot less soul. near my parents' house recently several wooded areas have been bulldozed & replaced with town homes stacked upon each other. changing the face of st. paul, one block at a time from a city full of neighborhoods to house upon house upon house with no green space.


it's not that i'm against progress, because, really i'm not. but sometimes we each need to identify the things in our lives that speak the truest to us, the most beautiful, the most sacred, the things that we are absolutely unwilling to part with at any cost. & when we find those, we need to shield them, shelter them, protect them at any cost. & that's where i find myself at this exact moment.


i'm back in class right now. my very LAST in classroom class for my master's degree. i know i've thought that before, probably even said it, but this really is it. after this i won't take another one. this is the do or die moment for me. i'm taking a class called writing the suspenseful novel. by the time the class ends in december i will have made a decision. i will either a: give up the idea of doing two thesi* (one in poetry & one in fiction) & come to terms with the fact that i am not superwoman & settle for an mfa with just a poetry book or b: i'll have enough progress done on my novel to finish it up & go ahead with the insane plan on writing & defending two thesi. i've been told by plenty of people, miss sinead the loudest (with lots of love of course) to quit messing around & finish the damn degree already. & i really want to. finally. i'm ready to be done with school.


but, this isn't about school. it isn't even about being in a holding pattern. it's about me. beckah. beckah the good little worker in her cube. beckah the writer. beckah the sister. beckah the daughter. beckah the friend. beckah the lover. & how do i combine all of these into a person that i love completely every day? someone that i'm proud to be? not that i'm ashamed of who i am now, because i am not in anyway. i've done things that i would rather not have flashed across the front pages of the strib or the pioneer press, but everyone has those things in their past. anyone who doesn't is either very boring or a filthy liar.


what this is about is the fact that last night during class while listening to one of my classmates talk about working just part time & being mainly a full time student i wanted to cry. not just cry, but sob. that deep down cry that settles so deep in your chest it feels like it will never be gone. the kind of cry that leaves a wound in the center of your chest on your sternum. the kind of cry that lingers because even when the tears are gone, the hurt is far from being gone & you're left with an ache & a longing & a pain so deep it defies definition. that's how i felt.

cause.

cause.

i miss it so so bad. at that moment, listening too my classmate talk about waking up at noon and still getting to write for four or more hours before class i was so envious for a moment. not the deep seated dangerous green jealousy that come from money, power, or lust. but the envy of the freedom of that life style. the passion & the dedication. the drive & desire. the fact that somehow i've lost that in my life. i'm trying to remember when the last time was that i really made my writing a priority. & there's moments when i wonder, have i traded all that in for someone else's dream? i never strove to be white collar, that was my sister. how have i found myself at this point?

yes. yes. yes. yes. i know. same self centered self-pitying line of the past. except. maybe not. because, i was so happy to feel that ache. it meant that i still really care. & that is priceless. because if i didn't hurt it would mean that i don't care that i'm not writing. that it doesn't matter if i have writing as a priority in my life. that really would have been the worst part of it all. if i had listened to my classmates talk about their several hours of writing that they do each day & it was no more than mild interest to me. then i would have had a problem. but, since i got so upset it's actually a very good sign for me.

i met with deborah, my advisor today. & we're putting in a plan of action. i'm going to graduate in 2008. planning on defending my thesis in december of 2008. & then i'll walk in may of 2009. & so i'm trying to get myself back to that obsessive girl that didn't go anywhere without her notebook & pen. the one who sneaked in writing time where ever she went. the girl that lived, breathed, & died by the written word, at all times. that's the beckah that i miss so much. & that's the one who can be everything else: sister, daughter, friend, lover.



*i do realize thesi is not a word, but i like it better than thesises which is a real word

thought of the week: september 30-october 6

you think for too long and then your chance is gone, the choice we're meant to make, is one we'll never take,

~jimmy eat world, jen lyrics

is there a time limit on a dream? on a wish? can years of inaction make any future action impossible? not that i'm in a dark place thinking that my time has passed me by, but these lyrics are somewhat haunting me none the less.

i've been resting on my laurels much too much lately. for instance, this is LAST WEEK'S thought of the week! & i'm just now getting it finished on october 9th! i've been in my master's program for six years come this february. i've been "working on losing weight" for, um, well, let's not talk about that one. my friend joey called me in june & i still haven't returned his call. just a lot of things that have been on my to-do list for far too long.

& it makes me wonder, what have i let slip through my fingers by my tendency towards inaction? or rather, delayed action? how has this impacted me? i don't know that i'll ever really know the true answer to that question. because you can imagine the road not taken, & postulate where those choices would have maybe led you, but there's no way to step out of this time that we're in & go live that parallel life. the one where i make decisions quickly & absolutely. where i'm a flutter of quick decisions & i don't look back on all the "maybe i should'ves" that are left behind me. & i don't think so long on something that my chance to make a choice is taken & i'm left with someone else's choice made for me.

so, here's to being decisive. to being on top of things. to not letting my to-do list pile up into an impossible task.

my milkshake, er, bandana?

after work today i got all changed into my work out clothes, put my bandana in my hair & was leaving the building when this guy who never says anything to me even though i always smile & say hi gave me this huge smile & said something along the lines of "you have yourself a good night."

so when i got out to my car i realized i couldn't find my ipod. i was not too happy, mentally dropped an f-bomb & everything. went back into work to check my desk for it. on my way back into the building i passed by two guys, both so hot you just bite your lip & go mmm-mmm-mmm. & with each of them they gave me a HUGE smile said good night/good bye in some fashion & went on their way. now, yes, on the one hand, maybe they were just being polite? but seriously, their mouths were saying good night, but their eyes were saying hey baby, you look bendy. true story.

now, i'll be honest. by this time, i was a bit freaked out that i had nipple showing or something that i couldn't see. i did a covert full body check & i seemed to be properly covered. who knew yoga pants & a black&white camo bandana brought out the randy in boys? so, this is now my new favorite bandana cause evidently it makes boys drool. hard core.

&, i love this picture of me cause, well, i look totally hot in it.

thought of the week: september 23-29

i see it around me, i see it in everything, i could be so much more than this, i said my goodbye's, this is my sundown, i'm gonna be so much more than this
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american

once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.

i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.

100 things about me

for the record, i'm totally ripping this idea off from a blog, bleeding espresso, that i've recently discovered. i read exactly one of her posts & realized that i need to read more of them. & that i totally have to make a list of my own.

1. i'm a writer

2. first & foremost: see #1

3. i'm the oldest of 3 or the middle of 5, depending on how you count my siblings

4. i'm 30

5. i feel like i'm 21

6. i look about 21

7. my favorite band is bon jovi

8. i won't apologize for #7

9. my parents are still married

10. i've always had a pet since i was born

11. my parents currently have custody of my pets due to my living situation

12. my dog worships me

13. one of my cats loves me but doesn't show it

14. the other worships me. . .& is plotting my demise

15. i'm happier now being alone than when i was engaged

16. at least once a year i re-read the book "the face on the milk carton"

17. i refuse to re-read "where the red fern grows" because i cried too hard

18. when i get furious i need to hit someone or cry

19. i usually cry when i'm furious

20. star wars geek i am

21. i miss my grandpa paul

22. i never met my grandpa paul, he died 16 years before i was born

23. the only bone i've ever broken is the tip of my middle finger on my right hand

24. my favorite tv show as a kid was dukes of hazard

25. i used to want to be a barker's beauty when i was a kid

26. my mother regulated our tv time with coupons. 30min on a school night, an hour on the weekend

27. i had to cooperate with my siblings to watch a movie

28. if my dad was watching tv i could watch with him & not use a coupon

29. chips was my other favorite tv show

30. i still have a crush on the duke boys (the duke boys then, not now)

31. i've been boy crazy since birth

32. my dad reminds me of the father in my big fat greek wedding

33. he did actually say to me once "why you want to lea-ave me?!"

34. i randomly quote obscure movies

35. i love everything orange flavored

36. i really don't like the color orange, at all

37. when my mom was pregnant with me she ate a bag of oranges a day

38. the last time the vikings made it to the super bowl i was a fetus

39. my favorite numbers are 13 & 69 & 77

40. i was supposed to be born on june 13th

41. my birth was delayed by 2 days because 4 other babies had the audacity to want to show up

42. i am so happy that i don't have kids at this time (see #11)

43. two of my best friends had baby boys exactly three weeks apart

44. i still buy happy meals, for myself, sometimes just for the toy

45. my favorite color is pink

46. my second favorite color is black

47. i'm addicted to the mc-crack

48. i /heart going to the Y

49. i hated gym class when i was a kid

50. i loved playing outside & running around until i was 7

51. when i was a kid i wanted to play hockey

52. my mom said "no daughter of mine is growing up without teeth."

53. hockey is the only professional sport that i even semi follow

54. they'll always be the north stars to me

55. i never cried when my grandma ginger died & still haven't

56. i cried when we put my dog anastasia down & went to class drunk that night

57. once in a while i still look for my cat tommy who ran away 14 years ago

58. i still miss my white german shepherds snow & tillie

59. i really don't miss my ex-fiance, at all, in the slightest

60. i like creating acronyms

61. guys with vast vocabularies & large intellects are a turn on

62. #61 is not a euphemism

63. i'm slightly dyslexic

64. i'm a gemini

65. i'm a gemini

66. 64 & 65 repeating was deliberate

67. i believe in reincarnation

68. i've had memories of a past life

69. in case you missed #39 this is my FAVORITIST number

70. i was raised catholic

71. technically now, i'm a recovering catholic

72. my mother doesn't find #71 funny

73. i have 3 tattoos

74. the plan is to do all my back & full sleeves on both arms. . .& maybe more

75. my family hates my tattoos

76. i fly to pleasent hill, cali just to get tattooed

77. my first tattoo is in memory of my baby nephew, logan, who passed away in 2003

78. logan's death saved my life

79. going to the dixie chicks with tina was one of my pivotal life moments

80. i rarely listen to country music much any more

81. recently i was described as "an alternative chick"

82. people THINK i'm a good girl from minnesota. until they see my nose. my tongue. & my tats

83. i loathe being called a good girl from minnesota

84. i totally have a crush on eminem (it's my dirty little secret)

85. anyone who calls my phone between 8pm-8am hears dirty little secret while they're waiting for me to pick up

86. my voicemail is completely ridiculous, but completely based on a true story

87. most of the true stories in my life are completely ridiculous

88. i'm so happy my life is not pastel & boring

89. nothing in my life is pastel & boring

90. i shop at victoria secret. . . for make-up

91. tyra banks is one of my role models

92. my mom is one of my heros

93. this list is harder to write than i thought it would be

94. i'm confident enough to tell my friend "i love you"- - -to their face, on the phone, in writing

95. i did not inhale, true story

96. i actually got grad school credit for going to burning man

97. wikipedia is my new favorite website

98. now that i know how to create hyperlinks i hyperlink all over the joint

99. i like turning nouns into verbs (ie i should've thesaurused that word)

100. i have enough ego for three people, but i'm not egotistical (& that's why i will one day rule the world)

if i'd've known i'd've built an arc

we had a bit of a storm today. ok, that's like saying there was a little leak in the titanic. we had a huge frickin rager of a storm here today in the twin cities. i really WAS going to head to the Y tonight with the fabulous miss jenn, but i was wiped out by the end of the day. i had a second interview for a new job at work. & that is always a bit of an adrenaline rush, going through the interview process, trying to do your best to impress & hoping that it was good enough. along with the fact that i 've been up late most days this week for one reason or another. & the cough is still hanging on like i'm its new best friend (even though i have SO told the cough we're breaking up, it's kinda like when your 3rd cousin twice removed on your dad's side comes to visit for a weekend & three months later he's become one with your couch & your remote control & the local liquor store is sending you thank you notes for the vast amount of natural ice he's buying on a daily basis. extreme measures may need to be taken, for both cousin chuck & the cough).

so i wound up hijacking miss jenn for some mc-crack. & a happy meal. the sky seemed to be getting a little dark as i was eating my cone, but i really didn't think much of it because we've been getting a lot of thunderstorms here lately. & i seemed to recall something during the day about a chance of rain, so i really didn't think much of it. & as we rolled out of mickey d's & headed back to work it started sprinkling a bit, but nothing too extreme. well, for about a minute & a half nothing too extreme. but the closer we got to work the harder the rain started to fall & i knew we were in trouble when the temp dropped ten degrees in the space of a minute & the light poles in the parking lot were swaying wildly as the rain fell sideways in sheets. yup, houston, we had a problem.

i really thought it was one of those flare ups where the rain heightens, beats down, & then just lifts a bit. but it wasn't. by the time jenn was getting into her truck the rain was heavy, hard, & cold. . .first figuratively & then literally. she opened her truck & tossed her purse in, 20 seconds later when she was opening my car door to get her gym bag hail started to fall. like acorn-ish pieces of hail beating the crap out of her, she actually almost fell into my car with the first one slammed into her lower back. after being pelted by mother nature jenn made it safely back into her truck, but she did look kind of like one of those sad little kittens left out in the rain, just completely drenched from head to toe. i felt super bad for making her go get the mc-crack with me.

i was actually worried that i was soon to have a moon roof & a hole in my windshield because the hail was so vicious. i could barely see anything & i was presented with three options: head to the highway & try to get home, drive to the covered parking at work & wait the storm, or find somewhere else to hole up & wait. i drove towards the underground parking thinking that i didn't want to go much farther than that, knowing that i was not going to get on the highway because i somewhat value my health, & i wasn't sure where else i would go. & there was a small part of me that was freaked about my car getting beat to little bits.

jenn pulled up next to me & asked me what i was going to do. almost instantly the tornado sirens went off. since i was raised in minnesota i know not only what a tornado siren sounds like, but that they only sound them when absolutely necessary (& the first wednesday of every month at 1pm). i asked her what she thought i should do & this was her response:

"i've never seen a tornado before, i come from a state that doesn't offer them. i don't know the protocol."

i have to say, even in a potentially life threatening situation jenn is frickin hilarious. if i WAS ever to be in a situation like the titanic where the shit was not only hitting the fan, but being pushed through as a steady stream, i'd like jenn to be there with me because i know that some how she'd make me laugh & make the situation just a little bit better.

now, i do come from a state that offers tornadoes & i've had the protocol drilled into my head ever since i can remember: don't go out chasing them, don't stand near a wall of windows, get to an interior room or a basement, make sure you have a flashlight, & for god's sake stay eff-ing put! so, the smart part of me thought we should park our cars & get into work fast as can be even though we were technically off work & jenn's house was only a mile away, give or take a couple yards. & then there was that OTHER part of me that figured we should just head to jenn's house in the hail & zero visibility because we were only a mile away & we'd both be more comfy, her especially since it's her digs. so, that's what we did, leave the shelter of the parking garage & head out into the storm. awesome. sometimes i'm a frickin genius i tell you what.

with the whole zero visibility thing & the fact that i drive a little saturn sports car it just seemed like a recipe for trouble, & it was. the whole way to jenn's apartment i drove as carefully as i could & just kept praying that i wouldn't stall out or hit any big puddles. & i made it all the way to her complex without doing either one. i did manage to stall out in her parking lot though, which was awesome. jenn was a bit ahead of me in her truck & i didn't see her go through the water because of where i was at, but she said she just barely made it through in her truck. my car, to give him credit, made it most of the way through, & by the time i realized how much water i was actually in, he stalled out. i know jenn has told me in the past that the bottom lot floods with a lot of water or a fast spring melt, but i think i just spaced it.

to her credit jenn did try to call me to warn me, but by the time the call came through to my phone my car was dead in the water, literally. jenn was able to help me push my car out, she waded into the water, shoes & everything to get behind my saturn & help me get it out. now, i was in my interview clothes, if you recall, so i wound up taking off my shoes & socks & trying in vain to roll my pants legs up to get out & push. a little aside, once again, jenn is crazy strong & i wouldn't want to get into a street fight with her. i put my car in neutral & before i was out of my car i realized the car was moving in a forwardly direction & jenn was pushing me in my car out of the water. jesus bobby. i did hop out & do the whole push-on-the-door-frame-of-the-car-with-one-hand-while-steering -the-car-with-the-other schtick. & we had almost cleared the puddle/pond when a guy ran out into the rain to help us get the car out. by then we didn't need any help. but, thank you dude, that was quite kind of you. my car did wind up starting once it was out of the water, but it was not happy with me by any means & kind of gave me a few scares on the way home just as payback. so, lucky i own a small car, eh? it i had something huge like a navigator, well, probably would have cleared the water, but, IF i got stranded & had to push something like a navigator i would just curl up in the backseat & take a nap.

while things turned out ok with me, jenn, our cars & the storm, back home my parents had a few problems of their own. as it turns out, the rain was so fast & so heavy that it flooded the basement, coming in along the walls on the southeast corner so quickly that the water brought silt along with it. yeah, lovely. evidently at one point my brother looked down the stairs & saw actually flowing water. oh, jesus bobby. luckily my brother can be a super awesome person & he went into the basement & got everything up off the floor & got the water up too. which, for those unfamiliar, my parents' basement is where i have some of my stuff still. i have a small room there for when i go home & hang out just to get away from my roommates. so i was a lot not happy when i learned that it was my room was now playing the theme song "i am a rock, i am an island." but, thanks to my brother's quick action nothing of value was ruined. still need to go clean it all up, but he did the hard part.

but, in the end. me, my family, & my friends are all safe & sound, which is the biggest concern. so, just 'cause it's fall in minnesota doesn't mean we've left the severe weather behind. & in the words of the weatherman on the news in regards to storms like this, here is my sage advice: "for your sake, for your next of kin's sake, if you're safe & protected stay there!"

thought of the week: september 16-22

heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment .
~spill canvas, the tide, sunsets & car crashes

i think i've mentioned this recently in my blog, but spill canvas has become of my must listen to bands on a daily basis lately. they remind me quite a bit of jimmy eat world in the story telling nature of their songs & they also have a similar quality on their albums in a nice balance of rock & ballads. this song itself, the tide, is actually quite sad if you listen to it, but this little piece of it, is so beautiful & the words are so true that i just had to use it this week.

it's not as if i'm going to focus only on this moment in my life & not think towards my future because that is simply ludicrous, but i'm doing my very best to find the joy & beauty in every day, every moment if possible. & then when i find those moments of my day, my week, that make me feel that way, i'm going to try to make the most of them & to multiply them. it really is sometimes about those small things.

i've already starting identifying some of those things that make my senses hyper-aware. & one thing i've noticed is my workouts. which, incidently, i've been benched from for two weeks now. but i'm headed back to the Y tonight, lingering cough & all, just because i really miss it so badly. i may not be able to do very much tonight, but if i can even do just 20 minutes on the track i'll be one happy little camper. the upside is that, except for that small very annoying lingering cough, my bronchitis seems to have cleared up & i'm anticipating that by the time the weekend is over that my cough will be gone. i also really think getting back to the gym, getting back into my workout routine & reminding my body what it's like to have all those happy little endorphins swimming through my bloodstream will bring me back to that happy healthy place.

save the endorphins.

yes, cheesey, i know, but i couldn't resist. it's all those little endorphins rushing around that create that feeling of euphoria, that place in time where you really feel alive & zinging with energy that help keep your mind & body going (i'm sure that thrill junkies like skydivers & bungee cord jumpers can back me up on this one). i actually read somewhere that all of those little feel-good chemicals in your body really do help with mood, fighting depression, & even some illnesses. so everybody really should get behind the "save the endorphins" campaign, we'll make up t-shirts & buttons & have a fundraising dinner. i bet if we go green in the process we can get some hollywood celebs to make speeches & donate items for our silent auction.

it can be hard, when those blues set in to keep going out & finding those things that make you happy, alive & electric. but it's exactly those times when it's the most important to be dilligent in taking the best care of yourself as possible. so i'm going to the gym, curling up with a good book & cup of tea, playing with my puppy, & reconnecting with friends. so, those moments don't have to be huge earth shattering events, though they definitely can be.

aargh, shiver me timbers!

for all ye scallywags not in the know, today is international talk like a pirate day.

 

pull out yer eye patch, polish that peg leg, & do it up right with a bottle of rum.

 

yo ho ho.

 

 

sometimes, my dad is right (but i'll never admit it to him)

i am continually amazed by people.

& rarely in a good way.

i have recently had, we'll call it an interaction, with someone who made me shake my head in utter disgust. now by interaction i mean emails & one conversation over coffee folks, nothing more than that.

& some how he seemed to not only think it was some how more serious than that, but also that he had the right to not only try to comment on my life, but try to control my life in his own warped passive aggressive way.

yeah, the response you're looking for is: what?!

so my dad is right, the internet is full of crazies. &, my friends are often right. miss april told me about two weeks ago to just stop responding to his emails, block him, & pretend that i never ever met him. well, i tend to be too nice so i didn't do that. & i feel like, in retrospect, i should have listened to april & two weeks ago just said "thanks, but no thanks." & if that didn't work, pull a chandler & say "i'm moving to yemen."

so for those that are keeping track: no j-boys, no addicts, & no crazies.

damn bronchitis: i spit in your general direction

so, i'm a very sad panda right now *pouts* i was, at this exact moment, supposed to be in a rental car cruising my way towards yosemite, or possibly at the front desk of a hotel checking in late after leaving LAX & heading in the general direction of yosemite, with my fabulous pal julian, fellow burner. instead, i'm coughing & trying with all my might to convince my lungs that they really are happy inside my body & there is no need to jump ship & battling a severe case of acidy stomach brought on by the generic robitussin with codeine prescribed to suppress the a fore mentioned cough.

no, i'm not bitter. not at all.

ok, well, maybe a little bitter. i was diagnosed with the bronchitis last week thursday when i spent some time in urgent care. fabulous. the doc put me through my paces including an EKG & a chest xray because i made the mistake of saying the chest pressure & breathing problems set in the night before after my workout. . . .i did tell her i knew it was bronchitis, but she must have had to CYA so my family couldn't sue if i dropped dead later. so i was sent on my way with antibiotics, told to stay away from the gym for a while, take it easy, have a cookie, you'll be fine in no time.

right.

so on tuesday afternoon at the end of my shift at work i suddenly got dizzy, light headed, lost my balance & nearly fell over. jenn had to drive me to urgent care. she then sat with me. & sat. & sat. & sat. we waited so long generations of fruit flies were born, died, & reincarnated. examination & blood tests later, the conclusion: a virus causing my cough, related to the bronchitis, was causing the symptoms. more meds for the cough. an order to start eating & drinking (since i hadn't felt much like either over the previous days) & an offer for a note to get out of work later & i was off for a mc-crack before heading home.

before my tuesday urgent care visit i really thought i would make it to LA. i was even hopeful wednesday, even though julian was super concerned that i would keel over on the way to yosemite & he'd be stuck driving my corpse to the nearest hospital & then frantically convincing the authorities that i really did die of natural causes. meanwhile, back in the bat cave in minnesota, april was concerned that if i went to LA i would wind up hospitalized next week. . .which could have been the case, the world will never know. yesterday though *sighs* i knew i wouldn't make it. i barely made it through the day at work. i almost passed out driving home because i was so exhausted. so i officially told julian i wouldn't make it, canceled my ticket, & cried a little bit. ok, not really on the crying, but i did a pretty good pout & wanted to cry.

in the end i guess it's ok that i'm home this weekend. i do need the rest. & i don't plan on doing a damn thing more than i abso-fucking-lutely have to over the next 48hrs. & i plan on spending as much time passed out, er, sleeping, as possible. or at least in bed with bad tv on in the background curled up with a book. i have class monday, which, i thought i was going to miss because i wasn't scheduled to land in MSP until tuesday morning, so i have to make sure i get my stuff done for class. & i feel like a first class ASS cause i told my prof i wouldn't be in class, i had to even switch project days with someone because i thought i was going to be gone. BUT, i'm going to be in town with no reason to miss class, & with as much as i pay for school i should drag my butt to campus & get my money's worth, right? right.

so that's my life right now. but it's all good. it's all a learning experience right? & i'll make it to yosemite another time. maybe i'm meant to win the power ball tomorrow night? i better get out of my jammies & into jeans long enough to go get a ticket. in the mean time, i think i'll listen to a bit more spill canvas & pass out for the night.

thought of the week september 9-15th

the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
miss jenn, text message, june 18th, 2006 (from "if i am" by nine days)

there are definitely some song lyrics that have been borrowing their way into my head recently, especially jimmy eat world & spill canvas, but, this quote from the fabulous miss jenn seemed the most apropos to my state of mind today, &, as it turns out, she was quoting me song lyrics *winks*.

as i was cleaning out my cell text messages i found this one that i've had saved for well over a year now & i realized that it is SO true. which is part of the infuriating beauty that is this thing we call life. it is also reminiscent of that lovely old adage "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or "man plans, god laughs." except, this is a little sweeter, gives us a little more credit in the script writing of this crazy play.

my life today is nothing that i would have guessed or planned when i was younger. do i regret that? it really is hard to regret or morn something that you never had in the first place. what i can say, is, even though lately it occurs to me: what a long, strange trip it's been (yes, i did sneak some more song lyrics in *winks* can you id the artist?) i kind of like the place that i'm at right now.

i won't even lie & say that if i could go back & do it all again that i'd do it the same way. cause i can't say that i would. i do love the person that i am & the people that are in my life. i am friends with some of the best people in the world. the universe even. & i guess if i was told that changing everything would mean i wouldn't have them in my life, THEN i may reconsider. but, there is a selfish part of me that wishes i could change some things about my past. the events that still cut like fresh wounds. the ones that have scarred, but never really healed. that sometimes still haunt me in restless nights.

the flip side of that thought is that, aside from losing the wonderful people in my life, i would most likely not be the same person if i were able to erase those painful parts of my past. i have honestly tried to learn from everything in my life. & what i've learned is so much greater than the sum of those individual lessons. does that really mean i'd do it the same all over again? i still don't know.

so i keep fumbling & doing my best to not repeat the same stupid mistakes of my past. but i've also stopped dwelling on those mistakes. & every day i try to ignore the itching & throbbing of those old scars. i pay enough attention so i don't have to go through that again, but not so much attention that i'm not able to look forward. focusing too much on past misdeeds is a sure way to never move forward.

even at this exact moment i'm making it up as i go along. i'm starting another class tonight at school, even though i probably have enough credits for two masters degrees. trying once again to finally finish my damn novel. finally get my masters completed & move on with my life. not that i don't love school, because i really do, but as i was headed home from work last night at the group home i realized, i'm over school. & i'm ready to be done with it.

does that mean that i'll never go back. uh, yeah, probably not. i love learned way too much, & i'll most likely eventually go for a phd so i can legitimately have people call me doctor. *winks* i also may wind up taking guitar lessons just to jump start my re-learning the guitar goal (since i'm almost a third through my 1001 days & i still haven't made any progress in that direction).

maybe that's what makes some people more "successful" than others. their ability to adapt. which, also brings to mind, the saying "it's not a sin to fall, it's a sin to stay down." i'm definitely not staying down, because that's just ludicrous, not as in the rapper. & totally a waste of time, to spend your time wallowing in the dirt because things aren't going the way you planned. so, i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down (name those lyrics & artist).

as always, from the dark side of the moon, with much love, beckah.

thought of the week: september 2-8

and i don't know, this could break my heart or save me, nothing's real until you let go completely, so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving, so here i go with all my fears weighing on me. three months and i'm still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
~kelly clarkson, sober, my december

yes, we're on a kick with the song lyrics. & i thought briefly about not doing lyrics just because i used them last week & the week before, but this is another song that i've been listening to a lot lately & has taken on special meaning to me.

right now i am in that transition place. a year ago on this exact date i was engaged, planning my wedding, i had my wedding dress on order & was freaking out because i had to find another bride's maid since i all of a sudden had four boys & three girls lined up for the wedding. now i'm single & so much happier, like night & day between the two. i have a gorgeous wedding dress hanging in my parents' house. i have my own apartment & i'm actually getting along with my parents again.

i have gotten rid of a lot of elements in my life that were strangling me, keeping out the sun from my heart. the biggest is that not only did i break off my engagement, i broke off the relationship, & i haven't spoken to my ex in a couple of months now. he owes me money & so he's avoiding me. & for my part, i'm trying to surround myself with positive uplifting people & he is very negative & so i want absolutely no part of that kind of state of mind. i have decided that instead of being upset about the money he owes me & will not pay back, i see it as a small price to pay for a very valuable life lesson.

it can be lonely, going from a relationship to being single again. especially when two of my best friends are not only happily married, but just gave birth to beautiful baby boys in the past month. & there is a small part of me that is sometimes afraid that maybe i won't find that one person that i want to spend my life with. the one person that makes me trust them completely & unequivocally with my heart & soul. & it was one of the hardest things ever, to say that "yes, i've made a mistake, yes i need to call this off, i cannot marry this person, i will not spend the rest of my life with them." i am still very happy that i did not get married, but it's still one of those tough things, to admit on such a large scale that you were wrong. to have to face everyone in your life saying, "i made a huge mistake, but i'm fixing it."

even though it can be lonely at times, i'm enjoying my year of freedom, my year of being selfish & doing what i want to do. last night i stayed out until after 4am because i was having fun with my friends & i wanted to stay out that late. & i'm not willing to just jump into another relationship just because some nights it sucks being alone. i would rather do what i'm doing now, loving life & enjoying myself alone, than compromise who i am for the sake of being able to say that i have a boyfriend.

this song is one that is not only beautiful, but makes me remember why i am doing all of this. i'm stumbling along a bit, i have my tough days, but i'm getting there. each day it's a little bit easier, & each day i learn something more about myself that i didn't know before. the song also reaffirms something that i've been saying for the last nine or ten months, that i need to surround myself with positive people with beautiful souls. in my life i really have picked the weeds & kept the flowers.

it's hard at times, cutting people out of your life that are negative, that you realize are dragging you down. there are a few people that i have not been able to completely cut out simply because of the fact that they are related to me, but i have been fairly successful at, mostly, cutting down the time spent with those people. this is something that i have learned in the past: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they are poison to you & so you need to distance yourself in order to keep living every day.

the wild birds at the triple rock

i have recently fallen in love with the album golden daze, which is evidenced by the fact that my blog has recently been inundated with talk of the wildbirds. last night i was actually able to see the boys play live & in person at the triple rock in minneapolis. & my first response is, wow. jenn was completely right in that they are really powerful & even more phenomenal in person.

it is one thing to be able to put together a beautiful album, it's another to be able to go live in front of an audience & deliver better than on the album. last night i saw not only better than the album, but a performance that enthralled me from start to finish. now, granted, i know the songs by heart, so after the first couple of seconds i knew what they were going to play, but i really watched the band, not just listening to the music but watching them play, perform. & i was so impressed from start to finish.

while the wildbirds played i tried to watch all of them simultaneously & take the entire thing in, which was completely impossible, but i was able to focus during different songs on the artistry of the band as a whole & on each member as an individual. what i can say is that they are each very talented in their own right & as a band they are completely magical.

i was especially in awe of the energy & power that nick, the lead singer, put into each & every song, from the very start to the very end of their set. i was also equally intrigued watching jon, the drummer, through out the show. matt, on lead guitar, & hugh, on bass, were also awesome ( i don't want to leave anyone out), but it really was nick & jon that kept repeatedly grabbing my attention.

the great part about the show at the triple rock last night was that it was a small venue. we were close to the stage, i could lean against the wall & feel the music. i know that one day these guys are going to be huge, playing places like the xcel or the target center, so i am going to take every chance i get to see them in small venues while i still have the chance. i said it once & i'll say it again, watch the wildbirds, get their album, go see them next time they roll through town. you don't want to miss this chance.

burn, baby, burn

last night was the burning of the man out in the black rock desert in nevada at the burning man art festival. some burners (people who are now, or have in the past, attended burning man) see the burning of the man on saturday night as the celebration of a new year. that's how it was explained to me back in 2004 & it's always stuck with me. it's celebrating the end of one year & looking forward to the beginning of a new year.

i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.

even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.

somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.

tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.

so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.

come play with the cool kids

well gang, tonight the wildbirds will be playing in minneapolis at the triple rock social club. it's a late show, but, tomorrow's labor day, so i don't have to work, so my ass is totally going to be there! (along with the rest of me, of course).

i have yet to see the wildbirds live & in person, but i have fallen in love with golden daze & expect tonight to be fantastic. so i'll be the cute brunette in the dark blue applebottoms.

see ya there.