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today was my six month surgical follow up out at HCMC. the surgical follow ups aren't really anything too intensive. i go in, the nurse takes my blood pressure & asks me a bunch of questions: any changes to your medication? do you drink, smoke, or do drugs? do you feel safe at home? are you being threatened? (the last two they ask as one question, which i, being a cheeky girl pointed out, because if you answer yes, is that yes to the first, the last, or both? so i said "yes the the first & no to the last one") can you dress, feed, & care for yourself?.....i shit you not on the last one gang, i've really been asked that, several times in fact. then after all that i talk to the residents/interns/students....whatever they are. they ask me how i'm doing, any pain, yada yada yada.....then they tell dr. lederer what i said. he comes in, sees me for a minute or two, then bam, i'm out & on my way.

& that's how it went yesterday. i was in & out pretty quickly once i was taken back to the exam room. dr. lederer said i was doing really well, my weight is lower than they would have anticipated at this juncture. i'm down to 171.4 according to their scale (which tends to be 5-ish lbs off my home scale). so according to HCMC i've lost over 100 lbs since they first saw me in october 2006. my BMI is something like 29.3. which means i'm now officially overweight & not obese. go me! that is a nice feeling to have the doctor's office show that i'm just overweight & not obese. it's one thing to see it on my home scale, but another to see it there.

i've got my february follow up scheduled with dr. hartley already, so i probably won't be seeing dr. lederer again unless he happens to be in clinic when i'm there. i'm just about to the point where my visits to HCMC will be every year. except i will be seeing christine again in december. on the one hand i felt pretty good leaving HCMC, knowing that my weight loss itself is going really well, my abdominal pain is gone, & the surgeons are really pleased with my progress. but. when walking out of the building i admitted to myself that i do have a really big problem with food. & i need to deal with it now before it gets bad because i can tell it's getting more serious the more time that passes.

tonight i tried calling my mental health vendor. for my insurance the mental health is handled by a separate department. well, i tried calling at 5:30pm & they were closed. the hours are 8am-5pm m-f. yup, shut out. so then i tried calling the emily program just to see what i would have to do on that end to see someone. & no one answered. they were supposed to be open until 7pm. they had an answering machine/voicemail option, but i didn't know what i would say so i hung up. i called them again, still no answer. i waited & then around twenty til 7pm i called again & actually left a message this time. that voicemail was one of the single hardest things i've had to do. it's one thing for me to vocalize this to my friends, but admit it to someone else, i kind of felt physically ill afterwards.

this is all still pretty scary for me. i really don't want to be at this place. but, i also know that denying i have a problem with food would be completely idiotic of me. my friends have been a good support over the past week & a half. & the one thing i've really learned is that even though
this is something i kind of suspected about myself, i thought i'd been doing a good job of hiding it, but i was doing a crap job of that. guess i'm not as good a liar as i thought i was.

there hasn't been a single person that i've told that has been surprised. Z actually told me that if i would've denied it she would've slapped me. she's in the cube next to me at work & she said i do talk about food too much, i obsess about it...& i'm bad for her diet (i love the fact that my friends have dark humor, & i really mean that. laughter & the macabre is a good combo). jenn has been super fantastic too about listening to me. she's a very insightful & deep person. steph has also been great about letting me know that i can lean on her if i need to. she's been the one that i've been leaning on the most lately. i just hope one day i'll be able to return the favor to all of my friends that have been here for me through this entire thing. i feel i have a lot of debts to repay.

right now i'm really petrified. & while i'm not ashamed of all this, i'm not necessarily ready to shout it from the roof tops, even though i'm blogging about it. i've told my close friends (well, most of them, it's a hard thing to tell someone over email, though i did tell jenn & steph via text message), & i've told E, but i haven't told my parents yet. i haven't told my sisters or brother. & i have no clue how many of my friends from other parts of the country are going to find out via my blog. i do realize it's semi absurd to be reticent about telling my parents & siblings, yet put it out on a blog for any one with a computer & internet access to find. but it's kind of safer admitting it to strangers.

i really don't like this at all. i'm supposed to be the strong one. i'm the person that others can lean on when they need help. i don't want to be broken or weak or damaged. & that's how i feel right now: broken, damaged, weak. i want the emily program to call me back. but, then again, i almost want them to lose my voicemail. damn gemini mind. i want help, but i don't. i want to be able to do this on my own. & i don't want to have a problem at all. maybe it's normal. i don't know.