being an adult

i've come to realize that being an adult is so much more than working a full time job, getting married, buying a house, having kids, investing in a 401K, watching CNN & giving a damn, or not being carded when you buy booze. being an adult is, in a way, all of those things, but even more than that, part of it is simply knowing yourself well enough that you can learn from the mistakes of your past, listen to that voice inside your head, & ask for help when you really need it.

my mantra since i was about 13 has always been "i don't wanna grow up, 'cause baby if i did, i couldn't be a toys 'r us kid." & in many ways i don't want to grow up, i don't want to lose that playful, idealistic, completely random & whimsical person that i've been since birth. but at the same time i want to be a woman in control of my life, my destiny, & the trajectory that i take in the upcoming years.

the biggest thing is i don't want to look back from old age with regret. true enough, all of us will have some regret in our lives, but i don't want to be consumed by the ghosts of my what-ifs. i want to stand firm in the convictions of my decisions & say that yeah, i made some mistakes, but i stand by them for what they taught me about myself, others, & the greater world that i live in.

i know i'm being oblique right now, speaking in generalizations & the foggy shadows of the unsaid. but suffice to say, i'm standing at a much more than a cross roads now, i've come into a field with many possibilities & so many directions in which my life can branch off, & i need to consider the next few steps carefully. i don't want to be overly cautious & miss out on a great life adventure, but i also don't want to be reckless & find myself regretting my impatience & short sighted view.

so please say a prayer, or a chant, or just think happy thoughts for me over the next few weeks & months.