Thursday, November 01, 2007
happy halloween!
i hope everyone had a great halloween. i wasn't able to post yesterday, but here's some pics of me in my costume & then me with my new ear piercing. cheers!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
thought of the week: october 28-november 3
and i say oh...seems like i'm always on my own, seems like i'm never coming home, seems like i'm always on my...ohhhhhhh, all the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...
~augustana, stars and boulevards, all the stars and boulevards
there are some days that end & i think to myself, that i really wish i could get a do over because i feel that i didn't do myself right by the end of it. today, is one of those days. ok, well, maybe not TECHNICALLY today, cause it's technically 4am on sunday & i haven't really done enough to royally fuck up the day.
but saturday. for saturday i wish i could have a do over.
not that anything significant really happened: good or bad. but i just got home & realized that when all was said & done, the checks measured against the balances, everything weighed out & measured: i really did myself a disservice. the exact details are not even really that important, so i won't even mention them, but the general tone & over arching path of the night are what is the important part. & what happened was, once again, in the end i acquiesced to someone else's wishes & gave up too easily on what i wanted to do, what was the best for me.
like i said previously, nothing bad happened, nothing good either. but i don't feel good about the path of the events of my night. i allowed myself to be persuaded from my plans to do something that, in the end, was not nearly as enjoyable or satisfying, to my mind, as what i could have been doing. of course, i can't say for certain that things would have been better had i stuck to my original plans, but i do feel i wouldn't have this feeling of discontent with myself.
how does augustana & the above lyrics fit in? there are a couple of ways the lyrics fit into this rambling rant. for one, the first actually, is that i was sitting curled up in bed with my lappy & that song was playing on my ipod. & i caught those lyrics as i was listening to my ipod & the tone of the song & the lyrics peaked my attention & i realized the song is doing a great job of mimicking my emotional & mental state right now.
i just suddenly realized how disappointed i am for not following through on my original plan, what i wanted to do, & letting myself be taken along on this ride. & i also realized for me, it's not just the big battles, but the everyday small ones that actually seem to matter the most. & it's those small little issues daily, or every other day, or how ever often they happen, that are the things that will shape the arch of my life the most.
jenn was right when she texted me earlier: i was "not happy" tonight. it's not that i was sad per se, or depressed, or even upset; but i was not happy either. i was at that point where i was not happy, but not really anything else either. a sort of emotional limbo zone. partly because there was something in my brain that knew i would not be ok by the end of the night if i continued on with the way things were, but the feeling wasn't well formed enough for me to vocalize it to jenn, much less to my self.
it's the small things i need to stand up for.
getting glimpses of my home, but i just can't quite get there. it's like which brings me to the second reason for the lyric choice for today's writing. coming home is not just a physical place. it's a mental & emotional state of being. & lately i do feel that i'm on a track & i roll through my home town, but something keeps preventing me from getting off the train, so i see home, i'm there for a moment, & then i'm rolling through it, away from it, having to wait to circle around again to try to hop off the train & finally go home for good.
i guess that's progress, a bit anyway, to start to identify my problem. according to AA, (from what i've been told anyway, i'm not actually in AA), the first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one. this is nothing new either. just different packaging on the same thoughts. except, previously the lament had been mn beckah vs cali beckah, so in a way it's much simpler now. as sinead put it in her comments to me on a previous blog: i've always been both of those people, they're the same person, just different facets, & i'm both all the time always. which means, even while i'm not being true to myself, on nights like tonight, i still have that stubborn girl inside me who is standing with her feet planted, eyes steady & serious, saying: NO, i will do what i want, i will do what's best for me, & you can fuck off if you try to interfere.
this is NOT to say that i am opposed to compromise, because i'm not in anyway opposed to a little give & take. when it's appropriate for the situation. but i can't always be the one to give on what i want. if i am always going to bend the most on my opinions, feelings, plans, everything, then i may have well stayed with TSSOB & i know that's not a place that i would have been ok. i'm smart enough that usually i can tell what issues are worth dying for (to quote my mother).
each day is a new chance to turn it all around again, right? right. so i'm going to bed now, for a while. then, when i wake up. it's my new chance, once again. & i'll keep reminding myself, through every action of my day, that i need to be good to myself & put myself first. because, gods know, if i don't put myself first, no one else is going to. just the rules of the game, fats. & ya can't win the game if ya don't know the rules of the game.
~augustana, stars and boulevards, all the stars and boulevards
there are some days that end & i think to myself, that i really wish i could get a do over because i feel that i didn't do myself right by the end of it. today, is one of those days. ok, well, maybe not TECHNICALLY today, cause it's technically 4am on sunday & i haven't really done enough to royally fuck up the day.
but saturday. for saturday i wish i could have a do over.
not that anything significant really happened: good or bad. but i just got home & realized that when all was said & done, the checks measured against the balances, everything weighed out & measured: i really did myself a disservice. the exact details are not even really that important, so i won't even mention them, but the general tone & over arching path of the night are what is the important part. & what happened was, once again, in the end i acquiesced to someone else's wishes & gave up too easily on what i wanted to do, what was the best for me.
like i said previously, nothing bad happened, nothing good either. but i don't feel good about the path of the events of my night. i allowed myself to be persuaded from my plans to do something that, in the end, was not nearly as enjoyable or satisfying, to my mind, as what i could have been doing. of course, i can't say for certain that things would have been better had i stuck to my original plans, but i do feel i wouldn't have this feeling of discontent with myself.
how does augustana & the above lyrics fit in? there are a couple of ways the lyrics fit into this rambling rant. for one, the first actually, is that i was sitting curled up in bed with my lappy & that song was playing on my ipod. & i caught those lyrics as i was listening to my ipod & the tone of the song & the lyrics peaked my attention & i realized the song is doing a great job of mimicking my emotional & mental state right now.
i just suddenly realized how disappointed i am for not following through on my original plan, what i wanted to do, & letting myself be taken along on this ride. & i also realized for me, it's not just the big battles, but the everyday small ones that actually seem to matter the most. & it's those small little issues daily, or every other day, or how ever often they happen, that are the things that will shape the arch of my life the most.
jenn was right when she texted me earlier: i was "not happy" tonight. it's not that i was sad per se, or depressed, or even upset; but i was not happy either. i was at that point where i was not happy, but not really anything else either. a sort of emotional limbo zone. partly because there was something in my brain that knew i would not be ok by the end of the night if i continued on with the way things were, but the feeling wasn't well formed enough for me to vocalize it to jenn, much less to my self.
it's the small things i need to stand up for.
getting glimpses of my home, but i just can't quite get there. it's like which brings me to the second reason for the lyric choice for today's writing. coming home is not just a physical place. it's a mental & emotional state of being. & lately i do feel that i'm on a track & i roll through my home town, but something keeps preventing me from getting off the train, so i see home, i'm there for a moment, & then i'm rolling through it, away from it, having to wait to circle around again to try to hop off the train & finally go home for good.
i guess that's progress, a bit anyway, to start to identify my problem. according to AA, (from what i've been told anyway, i'm not actually in AA), the first step to solving your problem is admitting that you have one. this is nothing new either. just different packaging on the same thoughts. except, previously the lament had been mn beckah vs cali beckah, so in a way it's much simpler now. as sinead put it in her comments to me on a previous blog: i've always been both of those people, they're the same person, just different facets, & i'm both all the time always. which means, even while i'm not being true to myself, on nights like tonight, i still have that stubborn girl inside me who is standing with her feet planted, eyes steady & serious, saying: NO, i will do what i want, i will do what's best for me, & you can fuck off if you try to interfere.
this is NOT to say that i am opposed to compromise, because i'm not in anyway opposed to a little give & take. when it's appropriate for the situation. but i can't always be the one to give on what i want. if i am always going to bend the most on my opinions, feelings, plans, everything, then i may have well stayed with TSSOB & i know that's not a place that i would have been ok. i'm smart enough that usually i can tell what issues are worth dying for (to quote my mother).
each day is a new chance to turn it all around again, right? right. so i'm going to bed now, for a while. then, when i wake up. it's my new chance, once again. & i'll keep reminding myself, through every action of my day, that i need to be good to myself & put myself first. because, gods know, if i don't put myself first, no one else is going to. just the rules of the game, fats. & ya can't win the game if ya don't know the rules of the game.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
a wee quick note
i am currently in connecticut, my older sister got married yesterday. now that the wedding is over i'm hoping to post two thoughts of the week later today & get back to blogging. this has been one long strange trip this week.
oi.
oi.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
& i /heart my friends because:
~going through my email tonight at work & i found the following message from miss april & it seems so appropriate, just had to share, this was in response to this blog posting (& yes, i do realize lately i've been spinning around the same few topics. i'll try to be more well rounded & whine about being fat more often)~
Yep.
I don’t really know how to respond to your post! *l*
It sounds like you want to be this person who
You were when you were coming back from the Playa, and
You’re stuck being MN Beckah. Seriously? You keep
Approaching this theme in your blogs…and you keep
Outlining plans of attack (YAY!!) but again, it’s like the
Same conversation you keep having with Kat and John…
It’s not going too far ….
Be selfish and cling to your alone time to write and ponder
Those wondrous ideas and thoughts I know you have. Make some
Headway with your goals. :-) You’ll feel better.
Goal 1) Work
Goal 2) Work Out
Goal 3) Write
Goal 4) Travel!
Simplify the way you live your life. :-)
Yep.
I don’t really know how to respond to your post! *l*
It sounds like you want to be this person who
You were when you were coming back from the Playa, and
You’re stuck being MN Beckah. Seriously? You keep
Approaching this theme in your blogs…and you keep
Outlining plans of attack (YAY!!) but again, it’s like the
Same conversation you keep having with Kat and John…
It’s not going too far ….
Be selfish and cling to your alone time to write and ponder
Those wondrous ideas and thoughts I know you have. Make some
Headway with your goals. :-) You’ll feel better.
Goal 1) Work
Goal 2) Work Out
Goal 3) Write
Goal 4) Travel!
Simplify the way you live your life. :-)
thought of the week: october 7-13
hey now now, don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot
~counting crows, big yellow taxi
i heard this song this morning & i've always loved it, even though it's kind of sad, despite the upbeat tempo. for all of you that have heard it before i'm pretty sure you're humming it now, right? i'm right, aren't i?
the reason i've picked this song is that while it's not outwardly deep, ie jimmy eat world or some of the other lyrics i've been posting recently, it does make me think, which is always a good thing. & this is something that seems to be fairly prevalent at times, taking away the beautiful & replacing it with something more utilitarian, more ugly, with a whole lot less soul. near my parents' house recently several wooded areas have been bulldozed & replaced with town homes stacked upon each other. changing the face of st. paul, one block at a time from a city full of neighborhoods to house upon house upon house with no green space.
it's not that i'm against progress, because, really i'm not. but sometimes we each need to identify the things in our lives that speak the truest to us, the most beautiful, the most sacred, the things that we are absolutely unwilling to part with at any cost. & when we find those, we need to shield them, shelter them, protect them at any cost. & that's where i find myself at this exact moment.
i'm back in class right now. my very LAST in classroom class for my master's degree. i know i've thought that before, probably even said it, but this really is it. after this i won't take another one. this is the do or die moment for me. i'm taking a class called writing the suspenseful novel. by the time the class ends in december i will have made a decision. i will either a: give up the idea of doing two thesi* (one in poetry & one in fiction) & come to terms with the fact that i am not superwoman & settle for an mfa with just a poetry book or b: i'll have enough progress done on my novel to finish it up & go ahead with the insane plan on writing & defending two thesi. i've been told by plenty of people, miss sinead the loudest (with lots of love of course) to quit messing around & finish the damn degree already. & i really want to. finally. i'm ready to be done with school.
but, this isn't about school. it isn't even about being in a holding pattern. it's about me. beckah. beckah the good little worker in her cube. beckah the writer. beckah the sister. beckah the daughter. beckah the friend. beckah the lover. & how do i combine all of these into a person that i love completely every day? someone that i'm proud to be? not that i'm ashamed of who i am now, because i am not in anyway. i've done things that i would rather not have flashed across the front pages of the strib or the pioneer press, but everyone has those things in their past. anyone who doesn't is either very boring or a filthy liar.
what this is about is the fact that last night during class while listening to one of my classmates talk about working just part time & being mainly a full time student i wanted to cry. not just cry, but sob. that deep down cry that settles so deep in your chest it feels like it will never be gone. the kind of cry that leaves a wound in the center of your chest on your sternum. the kind of cry that lingers because even when the tears are gone, the hurt is far from being gone & you're left with an ache & a longing & a pain so deep it defies definition. that's how i felt.
cause.
cause.
i miss it so so bad. at that moment, listening too my classmate talk about waking up at noon and still getting to write for four or more hours before class i was so envious for a moment. not the deep seated dangerous green jealousy that come from money, power, or lust. but the envy of the freedom of that life style. the passion & the dedication. the drive & desire. the fact that somehow i've lost that in my life. i'm trying to remember when the last time was that i really made my writing a priority. & there's moments when i wonder, have i traded all that in for someone else's dream? i never strove to be white collar, that was my sister. how have i found myself at this point?
yes. yes. yes. yes. i know. same self centered self-pitying line of the past. except. maybe not. because, i was so happy to feel that ache. it meant that i still really care. & that is priceless. because if i didn't hurt it would mean that i don't care that i'm not writing. that it doesn't matter if i have writing as a priority in my life. that really would have been the worst part of it all. if i had listened to my classmates talk about their several hours of writing that they do each day & it was no more than mild interest to me. then i would have had a problem. but, since i got so upset it's actually a very good sign for me.
i met with deborah, my advisor today. & we're putting in a plan of action. i'm going to graduate in 2008. planning on defending my thesis in december of 2008. & then i'll walk in may of 2009. & so i'm trying to get myself back to that obsessive girl that didn't go anywhere without her notebook & pen. the one who sneaked in writing time where ever she went. the girl that lived, breathed, & died by the written word, at all times. that's the beckah that i miss so much. & that's the one who can be everything else: sister, daughter, friend, lover.
*i do realize thesi is not a word, but i like it better than thesises which is a real word
~counting crows, big yellow taxi
i heard this song this morning & i've always loved it, even though it's kind of sad, despite the upbeat tempo. for all of you that have heard it before i'm pretty sure you're humming it now, right? i'm right, aren't i?
the reason i've picked this song is that while it's not outwardly deep, ie jimmy eat world or some of the other lyrics i've been posting recently, it does make me think, which is always a good thing. & this is something that seems to be fairly prevalent at times, taking away the beautiful & replacing it with something more utilitarian, more ugly, with a whole lot less soul. near my parents' house recently several wooded areas have been bulldozed & replaced with town homes stacked upon each other. changing the face of st. paul, one block at a time from a city full of neighborhoods to house upon house upon house with no green space.
it's not that i'm against progress, because, really i'm not. but sometimes we each need to identify the things in our lives that speak the truest to us, the most beautiful, the most sacred, the things that we are absolutely unwilling to part with at any cost. & when we find those, we need to shield them, shelter them, protect them at any cost. & that's where i find myself at this exact moment.
i'm back in class right now. my very LAST in classroom class for my master's degree. i know i've thought that before, probably even said it, but this really is it. after this i won't take another one. this is the do or die moment for me. i'm taking a class called writing the suspenseful novel. by the time the class ends in december i will have made a decision. i will either a: give up the idea of doing two thesi* (one in poetry & one in fiction) & come to terms with the fact that i am not superwoman & settle for an mfa with just a poetry book or b: i'll have enough progress done on my novel to finish it up & go ahead with the insane plan on writing & defending two thesi. i've been told by plenty of people, miss sinead the loudest (with lots of love of course) to quit messing around & finish the damn degree already. & i really want to. finally. i'm ready to be done with school.
but, this isn't about school. it isn't even about being in a holding pattern. it's about me. beckah. beckah the good little worker in her cube. beckah the writer. beckah the sister. beckah the daughter. beckah the friend. beckah the lover. & how do i combine all of these into a person that i love completely every day? someone that i'm proud to be? not that i'm ashamed of who i am now, because i am not in anyway. i've done things that i would rather not have flashed across the front pages of the strib or the pioneer press, but everyone has those things in their past. anyone who doesn't is either very boring or a filthy liar.
what this is about is the fact that last night during class while listening to one of my classmates talk about working just part time & being mainly a full time student i wanted to cry. not just cry, but sob. that deep down cry that settles so deep in your chest it feels like it will never be gone. the kind of cry that leaves a wound in the center of your chest on your sternum. the kind of cry that lingers because even when the tears are gone, the hurt is far from being gone & you're left with an ache & a longing & a pain so deep it defies definition. that's how i felt.
cause.
cause.
i miss it so so bad. at that moment, listening too my classmate talk about waking up at noon and still getting to write for four or more hours before class i was so envious for a moment. not the deep seated dangerous green jealousy that come from money, power, or lust. but the envy of the freedom of that life style. the passion & the dedication. the drive & desire. the fact that somehow i've lost that in my life. i'm trying to remember when the last time was that i really made my writing a priority. & there's moments when i wonder, have i traded all that in for someone else's dream? i never strove to be white collar, that was my sister. how have i found myself at this point?
yes. yes. yes. yes. i know. same self centered self-pitying line of the past. except. maybe not. because, i was so happy to feel that ache. it meant that i still really care. & that is priceless. because if i didn't hurt it would mean that i don't care that i'm not writing. that it doesn't matter if i have writing as a priority in my life. that really would have been the worst part of it all. if i had listened to my classmates talk about their several hours of writing that they do each day & it was no more than mild interest to me. then i would have had a problem. but, since i got so upset it's actually a very good sign for me.
i met with deborah, my advisor today. & we're putting in a plan of action. i'm going to graduate in 2008. planning on defending my thesis in december of 2008. & then i'll walk in may of 2009. & so i'm trying to get myself back to that obsessive girl that didn't go anywhere without her notebook & pen. the one who sneaked in writing time where ever she went. the girl that lived, breathed, & died by the written word, at all times. that's the beckah that i miss so much. & that's the one who can be everything else: sister, daughter, friend, lover.
*i do realize thesi is not a word, but i like it better than thesises which is a real word
thought of the week: september 30-october 6
you think for too long and then your chance is gone, the choice we're meant to make, is one we'll never take,
is there a time limit on a dream? on a wish? can years of inaction make any future action impossible? not that i'm in a dark place thinking that my time has passed me by, but these lyrics are somewhat haunting me none the less.
i've been resting on my laurels much too much lately. for instance, this is LAST WEEK'S thought of the week! & i'm just now getting it finished on october 9th! i've been in my master's program for six years come this february. i've been "working on losing weight" for, um, well, let's not talk about that one. my friend joey called me in june & i still haven't returned his call. just a lot of things that have been on my to-do list for far too long.
& it makes me wonder, what have i let slip through my fingers by my tendency towards inaction? or rather, delayed action? how has this impacted me? i don't know that i'll ever really know the true answer to that question. because you can imagine the road not taken, & postulate where those choices would have maybe led you, but there's no way to step out of this time that we're in & go live that parallel life. the one where i make decisions quickly & absolutely. where i'm a flutter of quick decisions & i don't look back on all the "maybe i should'ves" that are left behind me. & i don't think so long on something that my chance to make a choice is taken & i'm left with someone else's choice made for me.
so, here's to being decisive. to being on top of things. to not letting my to-do list pile up into an impossible task.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
my milkshake, er, bandana?
after work today i got all changed into my work out clothes, put my bandana in my hair & was leaving the building when this guy who never says anything to me even though i always smile & say hi gave me this huge smile & said something along the lines of "you have yourself a good night."so when i got out to my car i realized i couldn't find my ipod. i was not too happy, mentally dropped an f-bomb & everything. went back into work to check my desk for it. on my way back into the building i passed by two guys, both so hot you just bite your lip & go mmm-mmm-mmm. & with each of them they gave me a HUGE smile said good night/good bye in some fashion & went on their way. now, yes, on the one hand, maybe they were just being polite? but seriously, their mouths were saying good night, but their eyes were saying hey baby, you look bendy. true story.
now, i'll be honest. by this time, i was a bit freaked out that i had nipple showing or something that i couldn't see. i did a covert full body check & i seemed to be properly covered. who knew yoga pants & a black&white camo bandana brought out the randy in boys? so, this is now my new favorite bandana cause evidently it makes boys drool. hard core.
&, i love this picture of me cause, well, i look totally hot in it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
thought of the week: september 23-29
i see it around me, i see it in everything, i could be so much more than this, i said my goodbye's, this is my sundown, i'm gonna be so much more than this
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american
once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.
i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american
once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.
i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.
Monday, September 24, 2007
100 things about me
for the record, i'm totally ripping this idea off from a blog, bleeding espresso, that i've recently discovered. i read exactly one of her posts & realized that i need to read more of them. & that i totally have to make a list of my own.
1. i'm a writer
2. first & foremost: see #1
3. i'm the oldest of 3 or the middle of 5, depending on how you count my siblings
4. i'm 30
5. i feel like i'm 21
6. i look about 21
7. my favorite band is bon jovi
8. i won't apologize for #7
9. my parents are still married
10. i've always had a pet since i was born
11. my parents currently have custody of my pets due to my living situation
12. my dog worships me
13. one of my cats loves me but doesn't show it
14. the other worships me. . .& is plotting my demise
15. i'm happier now being alone than when i was engaged
16. at least once a year i re-read the book "the face on the milk carton"
17. i refuse to re-read "where the red fern grows" because i cried too hard
18. when i get furious i need to hit someone or cry
19. i usually cry when i'm furious
20. star wars geek i am
21. i miss my grandpa paul
22. i never met my grandpa paul, he died 16 years before i was born
23. the only bone i've ever broken is the tip of my middle finger on my right hand
24. my favorite tv show as a kid was dukes of hazard
25. i used to want to be a barker's beauty when i was a kid
26. my mother regulated our tv time with coupons. 30min on a school night, an hour on the weekend
27. i had to cooperate with my siblings to watch a movie
28. if my dad was watching tv i could watch with him & not use a coupon
29. chips was my other favorite tv show
30. i still have a crush on the duke boys (the duke boys then, not now)
31. i've been boy crazy since birth
32. my dad reminds me of the father in my big fat greek wedding
33. he did actually say to me once "why you want to lea-ave me?!"
34. i randomly quote obscure movies
35. i love everything orange flavored
36. i really don't like the color orange, at all
37. when my mom was pregnant with me she ate a bag of oranges a day
38. the last time the vikings made it to the super bowl i was a fetus
39. my favorite numbers are 13 & 69 & 77
40. i was supposed to be born on june 13th
41. my birth was delayed by 2 days because 4 other babies had the audacity to want to show up
42. i am so happy that i don't have kids at this time (see #11)
43. two of my best friends had baby boys exactly three weeks apart
44. i still buy happy meals, for myself, sometimes just for the toy
45. my favorite color is pink
46. my second favorite color is black
47. i'm addicted to the mc-crack
48. i /heart going to the Y
49. i hated gym class when i was a kid
50. i loved playing outside & running around until i was 7
51. when i was a kid i wanted to play hockey
52. my mom said "no daughter of mine is growing up without teeth."
53. hockey is the only professional sport that i even semi follow
54. they'll always be the north stars to me
55. i never cried when my grandma ginger died & still haven't
56. i cried when we put my dog anastasia down & went to class drunk that night
57. once in a while i still look for my cat tommy who ran away 14 years ago
58. i still miss my white german shepherds snow & tillie
59. i really don't miss my ex-fiance, at all, in the slightest
60. i like creating acronyms
61. guys with vast vocabularies & large intellects are a turn on
62. #61 is not a euphemism
63. i'm slightly dyslexic
64. i'm a gemini
65. i'm a gemini
66. 64 & 65 repeating was deliberate
67. i believe in reincarnation
68. i've had memories of a past life
69. in case you missed #39 this is my FAVORITIST number
70. i was raised catholic
71. technically now, i'm a recovering catholic
72. my mother doesn't find #71 funny
73. i have 3 tattoos
74. the plan is to do all my back & full sleeves on both arms. . .& maybe more
75. my family hates my tattoos
76. i fly to pleasent hill, cali just to get tattooed
77. my first tattoo is in memory of my baby nephew, logan, who passed away in 2003
78. logan's death saved my life
79. going to the dixie chicks with tina was one of my pivotal life moments
80. i rarely listen to country music much any more
81. recently i was described as "an alternative chick"
82. people THINK i'm a good girl from minnesota. until they see my nose. my tongue. & my tats
83. i loathe being called a good girl from minnesota
84. i totally have a crush on eminem (it's my dirty little secret)
85. anyone who calls my phone between 8pm-8am hears dirty little secret while they're waiting for me to pick up
86. my voicemail is completely ridiculous, but completely based on a true story
87. most of the true stories in my life are completely ridiculous
88. i'm so happy my life is not pastel & boring
89. nothing in my life is pastel & boring
90. i shop at victoria secret. . . for make-up
91. tyra banks is one of my role models
92. my mom is one of my heros
93. this list is harder to write than i thought it would be
94. i'm confident enough to tell my friend "i love you"- - -to their face, on the phone, in writing
95. i did not inhale, true story
96. i actually got grad school credit for going to burning man
97. wikipedia is my new favorite website
98. now that i know how to create hyperlinks i hyperlink all over the joint
99. i like turning nouns into verbs (ie i should've thesaurused that word)
100. i have enough ego for three people, but i'm not egotistical (& that's why i will one day rule the world)
Thursday, September 20, 2007
if i'd've known i'd've built an arc
we had a bit of a storm today. ok, that's like saying there was a little leak in the titanic. we had a huge frickin rager of a storm here today in the twin cities. i really WAS going to head to the Y tonight with the fabulous miss jenn, but i was wiped out by the end of the day. i had a second interview for a new job at work. & that is always a bit of an adrenaline rush, going through the interview process, trying to do your best to impress & hoping that it was good enough. along with the fact that i 've been up late most days this week for one reason or another. & the cough is still hanging on like i'm its new best friend (even though i have SO told the cough we're breaking up, it's kinda like when your 3rd cousin twice removed on your dad's side comes to visit for a weekend & three months later he's become one with your couch & your remote control & the local liquor store is sending you thank you notes for the vast amount of natural ice he's buying on a daily basis. extreme measures may need to be taken, for both cousin chuck & the cough).
so i wound up hijacking miss jenn for some mc-crack. & a happy meal. the sky seemed to be getting a little dark as i was eating my cone, but i really didn't think much of it because we've been getting a lot of thunderstorms here lately. & i seemed to recall something during the day about a chance of rain, so i really didn't think much of it. & as we rolled out of mickey d's & headed back to work it started sprinkling a bit, but nothing too extreme. well, for about a minute & a half nothing too extreme. but the closer we got to work the harder the rain started to fall & i knew we were in trouble when the temp dropped ten degrees in the space of a minute & the light poles in the parking lot were swaying wildly as the rain fell sideways in sheets. yup, houston, we had a problem.
i really thought it was one of those flare ups where the rain heightens, beats down, & then just lifts a bit. but it wasn't. by the time jenn was getting into her truck the rain was heavy, hard, & cold. . .first figuratively & then literally. she opened her truck & tossed her purse in, 20 seconds later when she was opening my car door to get her gym bag hail started to fall. like acorn-ish pieces of hail beating the crap out of her, she actually almost fell into my car with the first one slammed into her lower back. after being pelted by mother nature jenn made it safely back into her truck, but she did look kind of like one of those sad little kittens left out in the rain, just completely drenched from head to toe. i felt super bad for making her go get the mc-crack with me.
i was actually worried that i was soon to have a moon roof & a hole in my windshield because the hail was so vicious. i could barely see anything & i was presented with three options: head to the highway & try to get home, drive to the covered parking at work & wait the storm, or find somewhere else to hole up & wait. i drove towards the underground parking thinking that i didn't want to go much farther than that, knowing that i was not going to get on the highway because i somewhat value my health, & i wasn't sure where else i would go. & there was a small part of me that was freaked about my car getting beat to little bits.
jenn pulled up next to me & asked me what i was going to do. almost instantly the tornado sirens went off. since i was raised in minnesota i know not only what a tornado siren sounds like, but that they only sound them when absolutely necessary (& the first wednesday of every month at 1pm). i asked her what she thought i should do & this was her response:
"i've never seen a tornado before, i come from a state that doesn't offer them. i don't know the protocol."
i have to say, even in a potentially life threatening situation jenn is frickin hilarious. if i WAS ever to be in a situation like the titanic where the shit was not only hitting the fan, but being pushed through as a steady stream, i'd like jenn to be there with me because i know that some how she'd make me laugh & make the situation just a little bit better.
now, i do come from a state that offers tornadoes & i've had the protocol drilled into my head ever since i can remember: don't go out chasing them, don't stand near a wall of windows, get to an interior room or a basement, make sure you have a flashlight, & for god's sake stay eff-ing put! so, the smart part of me thought we should park our cars & get into work fast as can be even though we were technically off work & jenn's house was only a mile away, give or take a couple yards. & then there was that OTHER part of me that figured we should just head to jenn's house in the hail & zero visibility because we were only a mile away & we'd both be more comfy, her especially since it's her digs. so, that's what we did, leave the shelter of the parking garage & head out into the storm. awesome. sometimes i'm a frickin genius i tell you what.
with the whole zero visibility thing & the fact that i drive a little saturn sports car it just seemed like a recipe for trouble, & it was. the whole way to jenn's apartment i drove as carefully as i could & just kept praying that i wouldn't stall out or hit any big puddles. & i made it all the way to her complex without doing either one. i did manage to stall out in her parking lot though, which was awesome. jenn was a bit ahead of me in her truck & i didn't see her go through the water because of where i was at, but she said she just barely made it through in her truck. my car, to give him credit, made it most of the way through, & by the time i realized how much water i was actually in, he stalled out. i know jenn has told me in the past that the bottom lot floods with a lot of water or a fast spring melt, but i think i just spaced it.
to her credit jenn did try to call me to warn me, but by the time the call came through to my phone my car was dead in the water, literally. jenn was able to help me push my car out, she waded into the water, shoes & everything to get behind my saturn & help me get it out. now, i was in my interview clothes, if you recall, so i wound up taking off my shoes & socks & trying in vain to roll my pants legs up to get out & push. a little aside, once again, jenn is crazy strong & i wouldn't want to get into a street fight with her. i put my car in neutral & before i was out of my car i realized the car was moving in a forwardly direction & jenn was pushing me in my car out of the water. jesus bobby. i did hop out & do the whole push-on-the-door-frame-of-the-car-with-one-hand-while-steering -the-car-with-the-other schtick. & we had almost cleared the puddle/pond when a guy ran out into the rain to help us get the car out. by then we didn't need any help. but, thank you dude, that was quite kind of you. my car did wind up starting once it was out of the water, but it was not happy with me by any means & kind of gave me a few scares on the way home just as payback. so, lucky i own a small car, eh? it i had something huge like a navigator, well, probably would have cleared the water, but, IF i got stranded & had to push something like a navigator i would just curl up in the backseat & take a nap.
while things turned out ok with me, jenn, our cars & the storm, back home my parents had a few problems of their own. as it turns out, the rain was so fast & so heavy that it flooded the basement, coming in along the walls on the southeast corner so quickly that the water brought silt along with it. yeah, lovely. evidently at one point my brother looked down the stairs & saw actually flowing water. oh, jesus bobby. luckily my brother can be a super awesome person & he went into the basement & got everything up off the floor & got the water up too. which, for those unfamiliar, my parents' basement is where i have some of my stuff still. i have a small room there for when i go home & hang out just to get away from my roommates. so i was a lot not happy when i learned that it was my room was now playing the theme song "i am a rock, i am an island." but, thanks to my brother's quick action nothing of value was ruined. still need to go clean it all up, but he did the hard part.
but, in the end. me, my family, & my friends are all safe & sound, which is the biggest concern. so, just 'cause it's fall in minnesota doesn't mean we've left the severe weather behind. & in the words of the weatherman on the news in regards to storms like this, here is my sage advice: "for your sake, for your next of kin's sake, if you're safe & protected stay there!"
thought of the week: september 16-22
heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment .
~spill canvas, the tide, sunsets & car crashes
i think i've mentioned this recently in my blog, but spill canvas has become of my must listen to bands on a daily basis lately. they remind me quite a bit of jimmy eat world in the story telling nature of their songs & they also have a similar quality on their albums in a nice balance of rock & ballads. this song itself, the tide, is actually quite sad if you listen to it, but this little piece of it, is so beautiful & the words are so true that i just had to use it this week.
it's not as if i'm going to focus only on this moment in my life & not think towards my future because that is simply ludicrous, but i'm doing my very best to find the joy & beauty in every day, every moment if possible. & then when i find those moments of my day, my week, that make me feel that way, i'm going to try to make the most of them & to multiply them. it really is sometimes about those small things.
~spill canvas, the tide, sunsets & car crashes
i think i've mentioned this recently in my blog, but spill canvas has become of my must listen to bands on a daily basis lately. they remind me quite a bit of jimmy eat world in the story telling nature of their songs & they also have a similar quality on their albums in a nice balance of rock & ballads. this song itself, the tide, is actually quite sad if you listen to it, but this little piece of it, is so beautiful & the words are so true that i just had to use it this week.
it's not as if i'm going to focus only on this moment in my life & not think towards my future because that is simply ludicrous, but i'm doing my very best to find the joy & beauty in every day, every moment if possible. & then when i find those moments of my day, my week, that make me feel that way, i'm going to try to make the most of them & to multiply them. it really is sometimes about those small things.
i've already starting identifying some of those things that make my senses hyper-aware. & one thing i've noticed is my workouts. which, incidently, i've been benched from for two weeks now. but i'm headed back to the Y tonight, lingering cough & all, just because i really miss it so badly. i may not be able to do very much tonight, but if i can even do just 20 minutes on the track i'll be one happy little camper. the upside is that, except for that small very annoying lingering cough, my bronchitis seems to have cleared up & i'm anticipating that by the time the weekend is over that my cough will be gone. i also really think getting back to the gym, getting back into my workout routine & reminding my body what it's like to have all those happy little endorphins swimming through my bloodstream will bring me back to that happy healthy place.
save the endorphins.
yes, cheesey, i know, but i couldn't resist. it's all those little endorphins rushing around that create that feeling of euphoria, that place in time where you really feel alive & zinging with energy that help keep your mind & body going (i'm sure that thrill junkies like skydivers & bungee cord jumpers can back me up on this one). i actually read somewhere that all of those little feel-good chemicals in your body really do help with mood, fighting depression, & even some illnesses. so everybody really should get behind the "save the endorphins" campaign, we'll make up t-shirts & buttons & have a fundraising dinner. i bet if we go green in the process we can get some hollywood celebs to make speeches & donate items for our silent auction.
it can be hard, when those blues set in to keep going out & finding those things that make you happy, alive & electric. but it's exactly those times when it's the most important to be dilligent in taking the best care of yourself as possible. so i'm going to the gym, curling up with a good book & cup of tea, playing with my puppy, & reconnecting with friends. so, those moments don't have to be huge earth shattering events, though they definitely can be.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
aargh, shiver me timbers!
for all ye scallywags not in the know, today is international talk like a pirate day.
pull out yer eye patch, polish that peg leg, & do it up right with a bottle of rum.
yo ho ho.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
sometimes, my dad is right (but i'll never admit it to him)
i am continually amazed by people.
& rarely in a good way.
i have recently had, we'll call it an interaction, with someone who made me shake my head in utter disgust. now by interaction i mean emails & one conversation over coffee folks, nothing more than that.
& some how he seemed to not only think it was some how more serious than that, but also that he had the right to not only try to comment on my life, but try to control my life in his own warped passive aggressive way.
yeah, the response you're looking for is: what?!
so my dad is right, the internet is full of crazies. &, my friends are often right. miss april told me about two weeks ago to just stop responding to his emails, block him, & pretend that i never ever met him. well, i tend to be too nice so i didn't do that. & i feel like, in retrospect, i should have listened to april & two weeks ago just said "thanks, but no thanks." & if that didn't work, pull a chandler & say "i'm moving to yemen."
so for those that are keeping track: no j-boys, no addicts, & no crazies.
& rarely in a good way.
i have recently had, we'll call it an interaction, with someone who made me shake my head in utter disgust. now by interaction i mean emails & one conversation over coffee folks, nothing more than that.
& some how he seemed to not only think it was some how more serious than that, but also that he had the right to not only try to comment on my life, but try to control my life in his own warped passive aggressive way.
yeah, the response you're looking for is: what?!
so my dad is right, the internet is full of crazies. &, my friends are often right. miss april told me about two weeks ago to just stop responding to his emails, block him, & pretend that i never ever met him. well, i tend to be too nice so i didn't do that. & i feel like, in retrospect, i should have listened to april & two weeks ago just said "thanks, but no thanks." & if that didn't work, pull a chandler & say "i'm moving to yemen."
so for those that are keeping track: no j-boys, no addicts, & no crazies.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
damn bronchitis: i spit in your general direction
so, i'm a very sad panda right now *pouts* i was, at this exact moment, supposed to be in a rental car cruising my way towards yosemite, or possibly at the front desk of a hotel checking in late after leaving LAX & heading in the general direction of yosemite, with my fabulous pal julian, fellow burner. instead, i'm coughing & trying with all my might to convince my lungs that they really are happy inside my body & there is no need to jump ship & battling a severe case of acidy stomach brought on by the generic robitussin with codeine prescribed to suppress the a fore mentioned cough.
no, i'm not bitter. not at all.
ok, well, maybe a little bitter. i was diagnosed with the bronchitis last week thursday when i spent some time in urgent care. fabulous. the doc put me through my paces including an EKG & a chest xray because i made the mistake of saying the chest pressure & breathing problems set in the night before after my workout. . . .i did tell her i knew it was bronchitis, but she must have had to CYA so my family couldn't sue if i dropped dead later. so i was sent on my way with antibiotics, told to stay away from the gym for a while, take it easy, have a cookie, you'll be fine in no time.
right.
so on tuesday afternoon at the end of my shift at work i suddenly got dizzy, light headed, lost my balance & nearly fell over. jenn had to drive me to urgent care. she then sat with me. & sat. & sat. & sat. we waited so long generations of fruit flies were born, died, & reincarnated. examination & blood tests later, the conclusion: a virus causing my cough, related to the bronchitis, was causing the symptoms. more meds for the cough. an order to start eating & drinking (since i hadn't felt much like either over the previous days) & an offer for a note to get out of work later & i was off for a mc-crack before heading home.
before my tuesday urgent care visit i really thought i would make it to LA. i was even hopeful wednesday, even though julian was super concerned that i would keel over on the way to yosemite & he'd be stuck driving my corpse to the nearest hospital & then frantically convincing the authorities that i really did die of natural causes. meanwhile, back in the bat cave in minnesota, april was concerned that if i went to LA i would wind up hospitalized next week. . .which could have been the case, the world will never know. yesterday though *sighs* i knew i wouldn't make it. i barely made it through the day at work. i almost passed out driving home because i was so exhausted. so i officially told julian i wouldn't make it, canceled my ticket, & cried a little bit. ok, not really on the crying, but i did a pretty good pout & wanted to cry.
in the end i guess it's ok that i'm home this weekend. i do need the rest. & i don't plan on doing a damn thing more than i abso-fucking-lutely have to over the next 48hrs. & i plan on spending as much time passed out, er, sleeping, as possible. or at least in bed with bad tv on in the background curled up with a book. i have class monday, which, i thought i was going to miss because i wasn't scheduled to land in MSP until tuesday morning, so i have to make sure i get my stuff done for class. & i feel like a first class ASS cause i told my prof i wouldn't be in class, i had to even switch project days with someone because i thought i was going to be gone. BUT, i'm going to be in town with no reason to miss class, & with as much as i pay for school i should drag my butt to campus & get my money's worth, right? right.
so that's my life right now. but it's all good. it's all a learning experience right? & i'll make it to yosemite another time. maybe i'm meant to win the power ball tomorrow night? i better get out of my jammies & into jeans long enough to go get a ticket. in the mean time, i think i'll listen to a bit more spill canvas & pass out for the night.
no, i'm not bitter. not at all.
ok, well, maybe a little bitter. i was diagnosed with the bronchitis last week thursday when i spent some time in urgent care. fabulous. the doc put me through my paces including an EKG & a chest xray because i made the mistake of saying the chest pressure & breathing problems set in the night before after my workout. . . .i did tell her i knew it was bronchitis, but she must have had to CYA so my family couldn't sue if i dropped dead later. so i was sent on my way with antibiotics, told to stay away from the gym for a while, take it easy, have a cookie, you'll be fine in no time.
right.
so on tuesday afternoon at the end of my shift at work i suddenly got dizzy, light headed, lost my balance & nearly fell over. jenn had to drive me to urgent care. she then sat with me. & sat. & sat. & sat. we waited so long generations of fruit flies were born, died, & reincarnated. examination & blood tests later, the conclusion: a virus causing my cough, related to the bronchitis, was causing the symptoms. more meds for the cough. an order to start eating & drinking (since i hadn't felt much like either over the previous days) & an offer for a note to get out of work later & i was off for a mc-crack before heading home.
before my tuesday urgent care visit i really thought i would make it to LA. i was even hopeful wednesday, even though julian was super concerned that i would keel over on the way to yosemite & he'd be stuck driving my corpse to the nearest hospital & then frantically convincing the authorities that i really did die of natural causes. meanwhile, back in the bat cave in minnesota, april was concerned that if i went to LA i would wind up hospitalized next week. . .which could have been the case, the world will never know. yesterday though *sighs* i knew i wouldn't make it. i barely made it through the day at work. i almost passed out driving home because i was so exhausted. so i officially told julian i wouldn't make it, canceled my ticket, & cried a little bit. ok, not really on the crying, but i did a pretty good pout & wanted to cry.
in the end i guess it's ok that i'm home this weekend. i do need the rest. & i don't plan on doing a damn thing more than i abso-fucking-lutely have to over the next 48hrs. & i plan on spending as much time passed out, er, sleeping, as possible. or at least in bed with bad tv on in the background curled up with a book. i have class monday, which, i thought i was going to miss because i wasn't scheduled to land in MSP until tuesday morning, so i have to make sure i get my stuff done for class. & i feel like a first class ASS cause i told my prof i wouldn't be in class, i had to even switch project days with someone because i thought i was going to be gone. BUT, i'm going to be in town with no reason to miss class, & with as much as i pay for school i should drag my butt to campus & get my money's worth, right? right.
so that's my life right now. but it's all good. it's all a learning experience right? & i'll make it to yosemite another time. maybe i'm meant to win the power ball tomorrow night? i better get out of my jammies & into jeans long enough to go get a ticket. in the mean time, i think i'll listen to a bit more spill canvas & pass out for the night.
Monday, September 10, 2007
thought of the week september 9-15th
the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
miss jenn, text message, june 18th, 2006 (from "if i am" by nine days)
there are definitely some song lyrics that have been borrowing their way into my head recently, especially jimmy eat world & spill canvas, but, this quote from the fabulous miss jenn seemed the most apropos to my state of mind today, &, as it turns out, she was quoting me song lyrics *winks*.
as i was cleaning out my cell text messages i found this one that i've had saved for well over a year now & i realized that it is SO true. which is part of the infuriating beauty that is this thing we call life. it is also reminiscent of that lovely old adage "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or "man plans, god laughs." except, this is a little sweeter, gives us a little more credit in the script writing of this crazy play.
my life today is nothing that i would have guessed or planned when i was younger. do i regret that? it really is hard to regret or morn something that you never had in the first place. what i can say, is, even though lately it occurs to me: what a long, strange trip it's been (yes, i did sneak some more song lyrics in *winks* can you id the artist?) i kind of like the place that i'm at right now.
i won't even lie & say that if i could go back & do it all again that i'd do it the same way. cause i can't say that i would. i do love the person that i am & the people that are in my life. i am friends with some of the best people in the world. the universe even. & i guess if i was told that changing everything would mean i wouldn't have them in my life, THEN i may reconsider. but, there is a selfish part of me that wishes i could change some things about my past. the events that still cut like fresh wounds. the ones that have scarred, but never really healed. that sometimes still haunt me in restless nights.
the flip side of that thought is that, aside from losing the wonderful people in my life, i would most likely not be the same person if i were able to erase those painful parts of my past. i have honestly tried to learn from everything in my life. & what i've learned is so much greater than the sum of those individual lessons. does that really mean i'd do it the same all over again? i still don't know.
so i keep fumbling & doing my best to not repeat the same stupid mistakes of my past. but i've also stopped dwelling on those mistakes. & every day i try to ignore the itching & throbbing of those old scars. i pay enough attention so i don't have to go through that again, but not so much attention that i'm not able to look forward. focusing too much on past misdeeds is a sure way to never move forward.
even at this exact moment i'm making it up as i go along. i'm starting another class tonight at school, even though i probably have enough credits for two masters degrees. trying once again to finally finish my damn novel. finally get my masters completed & move on with my life. not that i don't love school, because i really do, but as i was headed home from work last night at the group home i realized, i'm over school. & i'm ready to be done with it.
does that mean that i'll never go back. uh, yeah, probably not. i love learned way too much, & i'll most likely eventually go for a phd so i can legitimately have people call me doctor. *winks* i also may wind up taking guitar lessons just to jump start my re-learning the guitar goal (since i'm almost a third through my 1001 days & i still haven't made any progress in that direction).
maybe that's what makes some people more "successful" than others. their ability to adapt. which, also brings to mind, the saying "it's not a sin to fall, it's a sin to stay down." i'm definitely not staying down, because that's just ludicrous, not as in the rapper. & totally a waste of time, to spend your time wallowing in the dirt because things aren't going the way you planned. so, i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down (name those lyrics & artist).
as always, from the dark side of the moon, with much love, beckah.
miss jenn, text message, june 18th, 2006 (from "if i am" by nine days)
there are definitely some song lyrics that have been borrowing their way into my head recently, especially jimmy eat world & spill canvas, but, this quote from the fabulous miss jenn seemed the most apropos to my state of mind today, &, as it turns out, she was quoting me song lyrics *winks*.
as i was cleaning out my cell text messages i found this one that i've had saved for well over a year now & i realized that it is SO true. which is part of the infuriating beauty that is this thing we call life. it is also reminiscent of that lovely old adage "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or "man plans, god laughs." except, this is a little sweeter, gives us a little more credit in the script writing of this crazy play.
my life today is nothing that i would have guessed or planned when i was younger. do i regret that? it really is hard to regret or morn something that you never had in the first place. what i can say, is, even though lately it occurs to me: what a long, strange trip it's been (yes, i did sneak some more song lyrics in *winks* can you id the artist?) i kind of like the place that i'm at right now.
i won't even lie & say that if i could go back & do it all again that i'd do it the same way. cause i can't say that i would. i do love the person that i am & the people that are in my life. i am friends with some of the best people in the world. the universe even. & i guess if i was told that changing everything would mean i wouldn't have them in my life, THEN i may reconsider. but, there is a selfish part of me that wishes i could change some things about my past. the events that still cut like fresh wounds. the ones that have scarred, but never really healed. that sometimes still haunt me in restless nights.
the flip side of that thought is that, aside from losing the wonderful people in my life, i would most likely not be the same person if i were able to erase those painful parts of my past. i have honestly tried to learn from everything in my life. & what i've learned is so much greater than the sum of those individual lessons. does that really mean i'd do it the same all over again? i still don't know.
so i keep fumbling & doing my best to not repeat the same stupid mistakes of my past. but i've also stopped dwelling on those mistakes. & every day i try to ignore the itching & throbbing of those old scars. i pay enough attention so i don't have to go through that again, but not so much attention that i'm not able to look forward. focusing too much on past misdeeds is a sure way to never move forward.
even at this exact moment i'm making it up as i go along. i'm starting another class tonight at school, even though i probably have enough credits for two masters degrees. trying once again to finally finish my damn novel. finally get my masters completed & move on with my life. not that i don't love school, because i really do, but as i was headed home from work last night at the group home i realized, i'm over school. & i'm ready to be done with it.
does that mean that i'll never go back. uh, yeah, probably not. i love learned way too much, & i'll most likely eventually go for a phd so i can legitimately have people call me doctor. *winks* i also may wind up taking guitar lessons just to jump start my re-learning the guitar goal (since i'm almost a third through my 1001 days & i still haven't made any progress in that direction).
maybe that's what makes some people more "successful" than others. their ability to adapt. which, also brings to mind, the saying "it's not a sin to fall, it's a sin to stay down." i'm definitely not staying down, because that's just ludicrous, not as in the rapper. & totally a waste of time, to spend your time wallowing in the dirt because things aren't going the way you planned. so, i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down (name those lyrics & artist).
as always, from the dark side of the moon, with much love, beckah.
Monday, September 03, 2007
thought of the week: september 2-8
and i don't know, this could break my heart or save me, nothing's real until you let go completely, so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving, so here i go with all my fears weighing on me. three months and i'm still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
~kelly clarkson, sober, my december
yes, we're on a kick with the song lyrics. & i thought briefly about not doing lyrics just because i used them last week & the week before, but this is another song that i've been listening to a lot lately & has taken on special meaning to me.
right now i am in that transition place. a year ago on this exact date i was engaged, planning my wedding, i had my wedding dress on order & was freaking out because i had to find another bride's maid since i all of a sudden had four boys & three girls lined up for the wedding. now i'm single & so much happier, like night & day between the two. i have a gorgeous wedding dress hanging in my parents' house. i have my own apartment & i'm actually getting along with my parents again.
i have gotten rid of a lot of elements in my life that were strangling me, keeping out the sun from my heart. the biggest is that not only did i break off my engagement, i broke off the relationship, & i haven't spoken to my ex in a couple of months now. he owes me money & so he's avoiding me. & for my part, i'm trying to surround myself with positive uplifting people & he is very negative & so i want absolutely no part of that kind of state of mind. i have decided that instead of being upset about the money he owes me & will not pay back, i see it as a small price to pay for a very valuable life lesson.
it can be lonely, going from a relationship to being single again. especially when two of my best friends are not only happily married, but just gave birth to beautiful baby boys in the past month. & there is a small part of me that is sometimes afraid that maybe i won't find that one person that i want to spend my life with. the one person that makes me trust them completely & unequivocally with my heart & soul. & it was one of the hardest things ever, to say that "yes, i've made a mistake, yes i need to call this off, i cannot marry this person, i will not spend the rest of my life with them." i am still very happy that i did not get married, but it's still one of those tough things, to admit on such a large scale that you were wrong. to have to face everyone in your life saying, "i made a huge mistake, but i'm fixing it."
even though it can be lonely at times, i'm enjoying my year of freedom, my year of being selfish & doing what i want to do. last night i stayed out until after 4am because i was having fun with my friends & i wanted to stay out that late. & i'm not willing to just jump into another relationship just because some nights it sucks being alone. i would rather do what i'm doing now, loving life & enjoying myself alone, than compromise who i am for the sake of being able to say that i have a boyfriend.
this song is one that is not only beautiful, but makes me remember why i am doing all of this. i'm stumbling along a bit, i have my tough days, but i'm getting there. each day it's a little bit easier, & each day i learn something more about myself that i didn't know before. the song also reaffirms something that i've been saying for the last nine or ten months, that i need to surround myself with positive people with beautiful souls. in my life i really have picked the weeds & kept the flowers.
it's hard at times, cutting people out of your life that are negative, that you realize are dragging you down. there are a few people that i have not been able to completely cut out simply because of the fact that they are related to me, but i have been fairly successful at, mostly, cutting down the time spent with those people. this is something that i have learned in the past: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they are poison to you & so you need to distance yourself in order to keep living every day.
~kelly clarkson, sober, my december
yes, we're on a kick with the song lyrics. & i thought briefly about not doing lyrics just because i used them last week & the week before, but this is another song that i've been listening to a lot lately & has taken on special meaning to me.
right now i am in that transition place. a year ago on this exact date i was engaged, planning my wedding, i had my wedding dress on order & was freaking out because i had to find another bride's maid since i all of a sudden had four boys & three girls lined up for the wedding. now i'm single & so much happier, like night & day between the two. i have a gorgeous wedding dress hanging in my parents' house. i have my own apartment & i'm actually getting along with my parents again.
i have gotten rid of a lot of elements in my life that were strangling me, keeping out the sun from my heart. the biggest is that not only did i break off my engagement, i broke off the relationship, & i haven't spoken to my ex in a couple of months now. he owes me money & so he's avoiding me. & for my part, i'm trying to surround myself with positive uplifting people & he is very negative & so i want absolutely no part of that kind of state of mind. i have decided that instead of being upset about the money he owes me & will not pay back, i see it as a small price to pay for a very valuable life lesson.
it can be lonely, going from a relationship to being single again. especially when two of my best friends are not only happily married, but just gave birth to beautiful baby boys in the past month. & there is a small part of me that is sometimes afraid that maybe i won't find that one person that i want to spend my life with. the one person that makes me trust them completely & unequivocally with my heart & soul. & it was one of the hardest things ever, to say that "yes, i've made a mistake, yes i need to call this off, i cannot marry this person, i will not spend the rest of my life with them." i am still very happy that i did not get married, but it's still one of those tough things, to admit on such a large scale that you were wrong. to have to face everyone in your life saying, "i made a huge mistake, but i'm fixing it."
even though it can be lonely at times, i'm enjoying my year of freedom, my year of being selfish & doing what i want to do. last night i stayed out until after 4am because i was having fun with my friends & i wanted to stay out that late. & i'm not willing to just jump into another relationship just because some nights it sucks being alone. i would rather do what i'm doing now, loving life & enjoying myself alone, than compromise who i am for the sake of being able to say that i have a boyfriend.
this song is one that is not only beautiful, but makes me remember why i am doing all of this. i'm stumbling along a bit, i have my tough days, but i'm getting there. each day it's a little bit easier, & each day i learn something more about myself that i didn't know before. the song also reaffirms something that i've been saying for the last nine or ten months, that i need to surround myself with positive people with beautiful souls. in my life i really have picked the weeds & kept the flowers.
it's hard at times, cutting people out of your life that are negative, that you realize are dragging you down. there are a few people that i have not been able to completely cut out simply because of the fact that they are related to me, but i have been fairly successful at, mostly, cutting down the time spent with those people. this is something that i have learned in the past: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they are poison to you & so you need to distance yourself in order to keep living every day.
the wild birds at the triple rock
i have recently fallen in love with the album golden daze, which is evidenced by the fact that my blog has recently been inundated with talk of the wildbirds. last night i was actually able to see the boys play live & in person at the triple rock in minneapolis. & my first response is, wow. jenn was completely right in that they are really powerful & even more phenomenal in person.
it is one thing to be able to put together a beautiful album, it's another to be able to go live in front of an audience & deliver better than on the album. last night i saw not only better than the album, but a performance that enthralled me from start to finish. now, granted, i know the songs by heart, so after the first couple of seconds i knew what they were going to play, but i really watched the band, not just listening to the music but watching them play, perform. & i was so impressed from start to finish.
while the wildbirds played i tried to watch all of them simultaneously & take the entire thing in, which was completely impossible, but i was able to focus during different songs on the artistry of the band as a whole & on each member as an individual. what i can say is that they are each very talented in their own right & as a band they are completely magical.
i was especially in awe of the energy & power that nick, the lead singer, put into each & every song, from the very start to the very end of their set. i was also equally intrigued watching jon, the drummer, through out the show. matt, on lead guitar, & hugh, on bass, were also awesome ( i don't want to leave anyone out), but it really was nick & jon that kept repeatedly grabbing my attention.
the great part about the show at the triple rock last night was that it was a small venue. we were close to the stage, i could lean against the wall & feel the music. i know that one day these guys are going to be huge, playing places like the xcel or the target center, so i am going to take every chance i get to see them in small venues while i still have the chance. i said it once & i'll say it again, watch the wildbirds, get their album, go see them next time they roll through town. you don't want to miss this chance.
it is one thing to be able to put together a beautiful album, it's another to be able to go live in front of an audience & deliver better than on the album. last night i saw not only better than the album, but a performance that enthralled me from start to finish. now, granted, i know the songs by heart, so after the first couple of seconds i knew what they were going to play, but i really watched the band, not just listening to the music but watching them play, perform. & i was so impressed from start to finish.
while the wildbirds played i tried to watch all of them simultaneously & take the entire thing in, which was completely impossible, but i was able to focus during different songs on the artistry of the band as a whole & on each member as an individual. what i can say is that they are each very talented in their own right & as a band they are completely magical.
i was especially in awe of the energy & power that nick, the lead singer, put into each & every song, from the very start to the very end of their set. i was also equally intrigued watching jon, the drummer, through out the show. matt, on lead guitar, & hugh, on bass, were also awesome ( i don't want to leave anyone out), but it really was nick & jon that kept repeatedly grabbing my attention.
the great part about the show at the triple rock last night was that it was a small venue. we were close to the stage, i could lean against the wall & feel the music. i know that one day these guys are going to be huge, playing places like the xcel or the target center, so i am going to take every chance i get to see them in small venues while i still have the chance. i said it once & i'll say it again, watch the wildbirds, get their album, go see them next time they roll through town. you don't want to miss this chance.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
burn, baby, burn
last night was the burning of the man out in the black rock desert in nevada at the burning man art festival. some burners (people who are now, or have in the past, attended burning man) see the burning of the man on saturday night as the celebration of a new year. that's how it was explained to me back in 2004 & it's always stuck with me. it's celebrating the end of one year & looking forward to the beginning of a new year.
i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.
even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.
somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.
tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.
so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.
i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.
even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.
somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.
tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.
so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.
come play with the cool kids
well gang, tonight the wildbirds will be playing in minneapolis at the triple rock social club. it's a late show, but, tomorrow's labor day, so i don't have to work, so my ass is totally going to be there! (along with the rest of me, of course).
i have yet to see the wildbirds live & in person, but i have fallen in love with golden daze & expect tonight to be fantastic. so i'll be the cute brunette in the dark blue applebottoms.
see ya there.
i have yet to see the wildbirds live & in person, but i have fallen in love with golden daze & expect tonight to be fantastic. so i'll be the cute brunette in the dark blue applebottoms.
see ya there.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
thought of the week: august 26-september 1
here, you can be anything, anything that scares you, i think that scares you
~jimmy eat world, clarity, "just watch the fireworks"
since june i've been on a big jimmy kick, listening to the album clarity every night as i fall asleep, while working out, while driving, just about all the time. jenn gave me the cd for my birthday & it's one of the best gifts i've ever received. sometimes there are things that come to you at just the right point in your life: a book, a movie, a song/cd. & this cd came into my life at just the right time.
right before my birthday i was definitely feeling out of sorts, on the outside, & like i didn't have any sense of grounding in my life. i really am concentrating now on moving forward with my life & not dwelling on my past: my mistakes, the things i wish i would have said, would have done, the time i wasted doing anything but what makes me happy. but at that time i was in a pretty dark, dusty place.
while in cali, incidentally on the way up to pleasant hell where i crisped like chicken in a pan of hot oil on my way to be tattooed, i had a jimmy epiphany, my first jimmy epiphany. to quote miss jenn "you can't avoid having a jimmy epiphany in cali with the top down." TRUE STORY. i did have the top down, bandanna in my hair, shades on, the top down, going faster than i'll admit with jimmy eat world on the stereo, & " just watch the fire works came on." the song starts off with my quote of the week, & all of a sudden something hit me, as if the song had been written for me for that moment in my life, driving from campbell to pleasant hill on I-680 north in a blue convertible. i had heard the song at least a dozen times from receiving the cd on wednesday & my birthday on friday. but there was something about that moment in time that just touched me.
& i realized that, i really can be anything. & it does scare me. i'm scared by the possibility of it all. because i don't want to live my life in the normal pastel shades of life. i want to color my days in the thick, heady, deep shades of bold pigment: glittering emerald green, sparkling pacific ocean blue/green, passionate dragon eye red, the purest virgin white & deepest sinful coal black. the tones that are scary because they don't whisper for approval, they shout their intentions to the whole world, no matter what. i want to be the kind of person that is so utterly phenomenal that everyone wants to know her because she's just that magnetic. (well, ok, i already kinda think i am that person. . . . but i want to be even more so).
where does that leave me? same place i started. looking straight at the fact that i can be anything i want, anything at all, even something scary. & to be honest, while it's my greatest dream, being a writer is something that IS scary. being an artist is most definitely not walking the same worn path. it's outside the norm. it's sexy, elusive, mysterious, uncertain, scary, & surreal. for a chick who grew up in subsidised housing, my parents scraping by & working hard to give me a chance at something better. to give me a chance to have financial stability, free of their same worry. for me, it's the most frightening thing in the world, because, while i know i can make it. i know that i can, will, be financially successful at writing. it's also doing the exact opposite of what my parents dreamed for me. they wanted me doing what i am right now: working a full time job, with good health insurance, a 401K, the chance for something better. but, at the same time, they also told me the same thing as my quote this week, that i can be ANYTHING. talk about a bit of a mixed message.
but, i stand by what both my myspace & yahoo IM say "talk to me now before i'm famous." i'll make it. & it's the scariest thing in the world. but thrilling & well worth the work & everything i will give to live my dream.
where does that leave me? same place i started. looking straight at the fact that i can be anything i want, anything at all, even something scary. & to be honest, while it's my greatest dream, being a writer is something that IS scary. being an artist is most definitely not walking the same worn path. it's outside the norm. it's sexy, elusive, mysterious, uncertain, scary, & surreal. for a chick who grew up in subsidised housing, my parents scraping by & working hard to give me a chance at something better. to give me a chance to have financial stability, free of their same worry. for me, it's the most frightening thing in the world, because, while i know i can make it. i know that i can, will, be financially successful at writing. it's also doing the exact opposite of what my parents dreamed for me. they wanted me doing what i am right now: working a full time job, with good health insurance, a 401K, the chance for something better. but, at the same time, they also told me the same thing as my quote this week, that i can be ANYTHING. talk about a bit of a mixed message.
but, i stand by what both my myspace & yahoo IM say "talk to me now before i'm famous." i'll make it. & it's the scariest thing in the world. but thrilling & well worth the work & everything i will give to live my dream.
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