my milkshake, er, bandana?

after work today i got all changed into my work out clothes, put my bandana in my hair & was leaving the building when this guy who never says anything to me even though i always smile & say hi gave me this huge smile & said something along the lines of "you have yourself a good night."

so when i got out to my car i realized i couldn't find my ipod. i was not too happy, mentally dropped an f-bomb & everything. went back into work to check my desk for it. on my way back into the building i passed by two guys, both so hot you just bite your lip & go mmm-mmm-mmm. & with each of them they gave me a HUGE smile said good night/good bye in some fashion & went on their way. now, yes, on the one hand, maybe they were just being polite? but seriously, their mouths were saying good night, but their eyes were saying hey baby, you look bendy. true story.

now, i'll be honest. by this time, i was a bit freaked out that i had nipple showing or something that i couldn't see. i did a covert full body check & i seemed to be properly covered. who knew yoga pants & a black&white camo bandana brought out the randy in boys? so, this is now my new favorite bandana cause evidently it makes boys drool. hard core.

&, i love this picture of me cause, well, i look totally hot in it.

thought of the week: september 23-29

i see it around me, i see it in everything, i could be so much more than this, i said my goodbye's, this is my sundown, i'm gonna be so much more than this
~jimmy eat world, my sundown, bleed american

once again: jimmy epiphanies. i've been listening to this song a lot lately. for maybe the past week or so. first off, besides amazing words, it has a beautiful melody to it. gives me chills just listening to it as i write. then again, that may be my oscillating fan, no, wait, it is the song.

i really want to write something profound. something with endless depth & meaning that conveys everything i'm feeling right now. but for once, i can't find the words. so. i'll let the lyrics do the work for me on this one.

100 things about me

for the record, i'm totally ripping this idea off from a blog, bleeding espresso, that i've recently discovered. i read exactly one of her posts & realized that i need to read more of them. & that i totally have to make a list of my own.

1. i'm a writer

2. first & foremost: see #1

3. i'm the oldest of 3 or the middle of 5, depending on how you count my siblings

4. i'm 30

5. i feel like i'm 21

6. i look about 21

7. my favorite band is bon jovi

8. i won't apologize for #7

9. my parents are still married

10. i've always had a pet since i was born

11. my parents currently have custody of my pets due to my living situation

12. my dog worships me

13. one of my cats loves me but doesn't show it

14. the other worships me. . .& is plotting my demise

15. i'm happier now being alone than when i was engaged

16. at least once a year i re-read the book "the face on the milk carton"

17. i refuse to re-read "where the red fern grows" because i cried too hard

18. when i get furious i need to hit someone or cry

19. i usually cry when i'm furious

20. star wars geek i am

21. i miss my grandpa paul

22. i never met my grandpa paul, he died 16 years before i was born

23. the only bone i've ever broken is the tip of my middle finger on my right hand

24. my favorite tv show as a kid was dukes of hazard

25. i used to want to be a barker's beauty when i was a kid

26. my mother regulated our tv time with coupons. 30min on a school night, an hour on the weekend

27. i had to cooperate with my siblings to watch a movie

28. if my dad was watching tv i could watch with him & not use a coupon

29. chips was my other favorite tv show

30. i still have a crush on the duke boys (the duke boys then, not now)

31. i've been boy crazy since birth

32. my dad reminds me of the father in my big fat greek wedding

33. he did actually say to me once "why you want to lea-ave me?!"

34. i randomly quote obscure movies

35. i love everything orange flavored

36. i really don't like the color orange, at all

37. when my mom was pregnant with me she ate a bag of oranges a day

38. the last time the vikings made it to the super bowl i was a fetus

39. my favorite numbers are 13 & 69 & 77

40. i was supposed to be born on june 13th

41. my birth was delayed by 2 days because 4 other babies had the audacity to want to show up

42. i am so happy that i don't have kids at this time (see #11)

43. two of my best friends had baby boys exactly three weeks apart

44. i still buy happy meals, for myself, sometimes just for the toy

45. my favorite color is pink

46. my second favorite color is black

47. i'm addicted to the mc-crack

48. i /heart going to the Y

49. i hated gym class when i was a kid

50. i loved playing outside & running around until i was 7

51. when i was a kid i wanted to play hockey

52. my mom said "no daughter of mine is growing up without teeth."

53. hockey is the only professional sport that i even semi follow

54. they'll always be the north stars to me

55. i never cried when my grandma ginger died & still haven't

56. i cried when we put my dog anastasia down & went to class drunk that night

57. once in a while i still look for my cat tommy who ran away 14 years ago

58. i still miss my white german shepherds snow & tillie

59. i really don't miss my ex-fiance, at all, in the slightest

60. i like creating acronyms

61. guys with vast vocabularies & large intellects are a turn on

62. #61 is not a euphemism

63. i'm slightly dyslexic

64. i'm a gemini

65. i'm a gemini

66. 64 & 65 repeating was deliberate

67. i believe in reincarnation

68. i've had memories of a past life

69. in case you missed #39 this is my FAVORITIST number

70. i was raised catholic

71. technically now, i'm a recovering catholic

72. my mother doesn't find #71 funny

73. i have 3 tattoos

74. the plan is to do all my back & full sleeves on both arms. . .& maybe more

75. my family hates my tattoos

76. i fly to pleasent hill, cali just to get tattooed

77. my first tattoo is in memory of my baby nephew, logan, who passed away in 2003

78. logan's death saved my life

79. going to the dixie chicks with tina was one of my pivotal life moments

80. i rarely listen to country music much any more

81. recently i was described as "an alternative chick"

82. people THINK i'm a good girl from minnesota. until they see my nose. my tongue. & my tats

83. i loathe being called a good girl from minnesota

84. i totally have a crush on eminem (it's my dirty little secret)

85. anyone who calls my phone between 8pm-8am hears dirty little secret while they're waiting for me to pick up

86. my voicemail is completely ridiculous, but completely based on a true story

87. most of the true stories in my life are completely ridiculous

88. i'm so happy my life is not pastel & boring

89. nothing in my life is pastel & boring

90. i shop at victoria secret. . . for make-up

91. tyra banks is one of my role models

92. my mom is one of my heros

93. this list is harder to write than i thought it would be

94. i'm confident enough to tell my friend "i love you"- - -to their face, on the phone, in writing

95. i did not inhale, true story

96. i actually got grad school credit for going to burning man

97. wikipedia is my new favorite website

98. now that i know how to create hyperlinks i hyperlink all over the joint

99. i like turning nouns into verbs (ie i should've thesaurused that word)

100. i have enough ego for three people, but i'm not egotistical (& that's why i will one day rule the world)

if i'd've known i'd've built an arc

we had a bit of a storm today. ok, that's like saying there was a little leak in the titanic. we had a huge frickin rager of a storm here today in the twin cities. i really WAS going to head to the Y tonight with the fabulous miss jenn, but i was wiped out by the end of the day. i had a second interview for a new job at work. & that is always a bit of an adrenaline rush, going through the interview process, trying to do your best to impress & hoping that it was good enough. along with the fact that i 've been up late most days this week for one reason or another. & the cough is still hanging on like i'm its new best friend (even though i have SO told the cough we're breaking up, it's kinda like when your 3rd cousin twice removed on your dad's side comes to visit for a weekend & three months later he's become one with your couch & your remote control & the local liquor store is sending you thank you notes for the vast amount of natural ice he's buying on a daily basis. extreme measures may need to be taken, for both cousin chuck & the cough).

so i wound up hijacking miss jenn for some mc-crack. & a happy meal. the sky seemed to be getting a little dark as i was eating my cone, but i really didn't think much of it because we've been getting a lot of thunderstorms here lately. & i seemed to recall something during the day about a chance of rain, so i really didn't think much of it. & as we rolled out of mickey d's & headed back to work it started sprinkling a bit, but nothing too extreme. well, for about a minute & a half nothing too extreme. but the closer we got to work the harder the rain started to fall & i knew we were in trouble when the temp dropped ten degrees in the space of a minute & the light poles in the parking lot were swaying wildly as the rain fell sideways in sheets. yup, houston, we had a problem.

i really thought it was one of those flare ups where the rain heightens, beats down, & then just lifts a bit. but it wasn't. by the time jenn was getting into her truck the rain was heavy, hard, & cold. . .first figuratively & then literally. she opened her truck & tossed her purse in, 20 seconds later when she was opening my car door to get her gym bag hail started to fall. like acorn-ish pieces of hail beating the crap out of her, she actually almost fell into my car with the first one slammed into her lower back. after being pelted by mother nature jenn made it safely back into her truck, but she did look kind of like one of those sad little kittens left out in the rain, just completely drenched from head to toe. i felt super bad for making her go get the mc-crack with me.

i was actually worried that i was soon to have a moon roof & a hole in my windshield because the hail was so vicious. i could barely see anything & i was presented with three options: head to the highway & try to get home, drive to the covered parking at work & wait the storm, or find somewhere else to hole up & wait. i drove towards the underground parking thinking that i didn't want to go much farther than that, knowing that i was not going to get on the highway because i somewhat value my health, & i wasn't sure where else i would go. & there was a small part of me that was freaked about my car getting beat to little bits.

jenn pulled up next to me & asked me what i was going to do. almost instantly the tornado sirens went off. since i was raised in minnesota i know not only what a tornado siren sounds like, but that they only sound them when absolutely necessary (& the first wednesday of every month at 1pm). i asked her what she thought i should do & this was her response:

"i've never seen a tornado before, i come from a state that doesn't offer them. i don't know the protocol."

i have to say, even in a potentially life threatening situation jenn is frickin hilarious. if i WAS ever to be in a situation like the titanic where the shit was not only hitting the fan, but being pushed through as a steady stream, i'd like jenn to be there with me because i know that some how she'd make me laugh & make the situation just a little bit better.

now, i do come from a state that offers tornadoes & i've had the protocol drilled into my head ever since i can remember: don't go out chasing them, don't stand near a wall of windows, get to an interior room or a basement, make sure you have a flashlight, & for god's sake stay eff-ing put! so, the smart part of me thought we should park our cars & get into work fast as can be even though we were technically off work & jenn's house was only a mile away, give or take a couple yards. & then there was that OTHER part of me that figured we should just head to jenn's house in the hail & zero visibility because we were only a mile away & we'd both be more comfy, her especially since it's her digs. so, that's what we did, leave the shelter of the parking garage & head out into the storm. awesome. sometimes i'm a frickin genius i tell you what.

with the whole zero visibility thing & the fact that i drive a little saturn sports car it just seemed like a recipe for trouble, & it was. the whole way to jenn's apartment i drove as carefully as i could & just kept praying that i wouldn't stall out or hit any big puddles. & i made it all the way to her complex without doing either one. i did manage to stall out in her parking lot though, which was awesome. jenn was a bit ahead of me in her truck & i didn't see her go through the water because of where i was at, but she said she just barely made it through in her truck. my car, to give him credit, made it most of the way through, & by the time i realized how much water i was actually in, he stalled out. i know jenn has told me in the past that the bottom lot floods with a lot of water or a fast spring melt, but i think i just spaced it.

to her credit jenn did try to call me to warn me, but by the time the call came through to my phone my car was dead in the water, literally. jenn was able to help me push my car out, she waded into the water, shoes & everything to get behind my saturn & help me get it out. now, i was in my interview clothes, if you recall, so i wound up taking off my shoes & socks & trying in vain to roll my pants legs up to get out & push. a little aside, once again, jenn is crazy strong & i wouldn't want to get into a street fight with her. i put my car in neutral & before i was out of my car i realized the car was moving in a forwardly direction & jenn was pushing me in my car out of the water. jesus bobby. i did hop out & do the whole push-on-the-door-frame-of-the-car-with-one-hand-while-steering -the-car-with-the-other schtick. & we had almost cleared the puddle/pond when a guy ran out into the rain to help us get the car out. by then we didn't need any help. but, thank you dude, that was quite kind of you. my car did wind up starting once it was out of the water, but it was not happy with me by any means & kind of gave me a few scares on the way home just as payback. so, lucky i own a small car, eh? it i had something huge like a navigator, well, probably would have cleared the water, but, IF i got stranded & had to push something like a navigator i would just curl up in the backseat & take a nap.

while things turned out ok with me, jenn, our cars & the storm, back home my parents had a few problems of their own. as it turns out, the rain was so fast & so heavy that it flooded the basement, coming in along the walls on the southeast corner so quickly that the water brought silt along with it. yeah, lovely. evidently at one point my brother looked down the stairs & saw actually flowing water. oh, jesus bobby. luckily my brother can be a super awesome person & he went into the basement & got everything up off the floor & got the water up too. which, for those unfamiliar, my parents' basement is where i have some of my stuff still. i have a small room there for when i go home & hang out just to get away from my roommates. so i was a lot not happy when i learned that it was my room was now playing the theme song "i am a rock, i am an island." but, thanks to my brother's quick action nothing of value was ruined. still need to go clean it all up, but he did the hard part.

but, in the end. me, my family, & my friends are all safe & sound, which is the biggest concern. so, just 'cause it's fall in minnesota doesn't mean we've left the severe weather behind. & in the words of the weatherman on the news in regards to storms like this, here is my sage advice: "for your sake, for your next of kin's sake, if you're safe & protected stay there!"

thought of the week: september 16-22

heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment .
~spill canvas, the tide, sunsets & car crashes

i think i've mentioned this recently in my blog, but spill canvas has become of my must listen to bands on a daily basis lately. they remind me quite a bit of jimmy eat world in the story telling nature of their songs & they also have a similar quality on their albums in a nice balance of rock & ballads. this song itself, the tide, is actually quite sad if you listen to it, but this little piece of it, is so beautiful & the words are so true that i just had to use it this week.

it's not as if i'm going to focus only on this moment in my life & not think towards my future because that is simply ludicrous, but i'm doing my very best to find the joy & beauty in every day, every moment if possible. & then when i find those moments of my day, my week, that make me feel that way, i'm going to try to make the most of them & to multiply them. it really is sometimes about those small things.

i've already starting identifying some of those things that make my senses hyper-aware. & one thing i've noticed is my workouts. which, incidently, i've been benched from for two weeks now. but i'm headed back to the Y tonight, lingering cough & all, just because i really miss it so badly. i may not be able to do very much tonight, but if i can even do just 20 minutes on the track i'll be one happy little camper. the upside is that, except for that small very annoying lingering cough, my bronchitis seems to have cleared up & i'm anticipating that by the time the weekend is over that my cough will be gone. i also really think getting back to the gym, getting back into my workout routine & reminding my body what it's like to have all those happy little endorphins swimming through my bloodstream will bring me back to that happy healthy place.

save the endorphins.

yes, cheesey, i know, but i couldn't resist. it's all those little endorphins rushing around that create that feeling of euphoria, that place in time where you really feel alive & zinging with energy that help keep your mind & body going (i'm sure that thrill junkies like skydivers & bungee cord jumpers can back me up on this one). i actually read somewhere that all of those little feel-good chemicals in your body really do help with mood, fighting depression, & even some illnesses. so everybody really should get behind the "save the endorphins" campaign, we'll make up t-shirts & buttons & have a fundraising dinner. i bet if we go green in the process we can get some hollywood celebs to make speeches & donate items for our silent auction.

it can be hard, when those blues set in to keep going out & finding those things that make you happy, alive & electric. but it's exactly those times when it's the most important to be dilligent in taking the best care of yourself as possible. so i'm going to the gym, curling up with a good book & cup of tea, playing with my puppy, & reconnecting with friends. so, those moments don't have to be huge earth shattering events, though they definitely can be.

aargh, shiver me timbers!

for all ye scallywags not in the know, today is international talk like a pirate day.

 

pull out yer eye patch, polish that peg leg, & do it up right with a bottle of rum.

 

yo ho ho.

 

 

sometimes, my dad is right (but i'll never admit it to him)

i am continually amazed by people.

& rarely in a good way.

i have recently had, we'll call it an interaction, with someone who made me shake my head in utter disgust. now by interaction i mean emails & one conversation over coffee folks, nothing more than that.

& some how he seemed to not only think it was some how more serious than that, but also that he had the right to not only try to comment on my life, but try to control my life in his own warped passive aggressive way.

yeah, the response you're looking for is: what?!

so my dad is right, the internet is full of crazies. &, my friends are often right. miss april told me about two weeks ago to just stop responding to his emails, block him, & pretend that i never ever met him. well, i tend to be too nice so i didn't do that. & i feel like, in retrospect, i should have listened to april & two weeks ago just said "thanks, but no thanks." & if that didn't work, pull a chandler & say "i'm moving to yemen."

so for those that are keeping track: no j-boys, no addicts, & no crazies.

damn bronchitis: i spit in your general direction

so, i'm a very sad panda right now *pouts* i was, at this exact moment, supposed to be in a rental car cruising my way towards yosemite, or possibly at the front desk of a hotel checking in late after leaving LAX & heading in the general direction of yosemite, with my fabulous pal julian, fellow burner. instead, i'm coughing & trying with all my might to convince my lungs that they really are happy inside my body & there is no need to jump ship & battling a severe case of acidy stomach brought on by the generic robitussin with codeine prescribed to suppress the a fore mentioned cough.

no, i'm not bitter. not at all.

ok, well, maybe a little bitter. i was diagnosed with the bronchitis last week thursday when i spent some time in urgent care. fabulous. the doc put me through my paces including an EKG & a chest xray because i made the mistake of saying the chest pressure & breathing problems set in the night before after my workout. . . .i did tell her i knew it was bronchitis, but she must have had to CYA so my family couldn't sue if i dropped dead later. so i was sent on my way with antibiotics, told to stay away from the gym for a while, take it easy, have a cookie, you'll be fine in no time.

right.

so on tuesday afternoon at the end of my shift at work i suddenly got dizzy, light headed, lost my balance & nearly fell over. jenn had to drive me to urgent care. she then sat with me. & sat. & sat. & sat. we waited so long generations of fruit flies were born, died, & reincarnated. examination & blood tests later, the conclusion: a virus causing my cough, related to the bronchitis, was causing the symptoms. more meds for the cough. an order to start eating & drinking (since i hadn't felt much like either over the previous days) & an offer for a note to get out of work later & i was off for a mc-crack before heading home.

before my tuesday urgent care visit i really thought i would make it to LA. i was even hopeful wednesday, even though julian was super concerned that i would keel over on the way to yosemite & he'd be stuck driving my corpse to the nearest hospital & then frantically convincing the authorities that i really did die of natural causes. meanwhile, back in the bat cave in minnesota, april was concerned that if i went to LA i would wind up hospitalized next week. . .which could have been the case, the world will never know. yesterday though *sighs* i knew i wouldn't make it. i barely made it through the day at work. i almost passed out driving home because i was so exhausted. so i officially told julian i wouldn't make it, canceled my ticket, & cried a little bit. ok, not really on the crying, but i did a pretty good pout & wanted to cry.

in the end i guess it's ok that i'm home this weekend. i do need the rest. & i don't plan on doing a damn thing more than i abso-fucking-lutely have to over the next 48hrs. & i plan on spending as much time passed out, er, sleeping, as possible. or at least in bed with bad tv on in the background curled up with a book. i have class monday, which, i thought i was going to miss because i wasn't scheduled to land in MSP until tuesday morning, so i have to make sure i get my stuff done for class. & i feel like a first class ASS cause i told my prof i wouldn't be in class, i had to even switch project days with someone because i thought i was going to be gone. BUT, i'm going to be in town with no reason to miss class, & with as much as i pay for school i should drag my butt to campus & get my money's worth, right? right.

so that's my life right now. but it's all good. it's all a learning experience right? & i'll make it to yosemite another time. maybe i'm meant to win the power ball tomorrow night? i better get out of my jammies & into jeans long enough to go get a ticket. in the mean time, i think i'll listen to a bit more spill canvas & pass out for the night.

thought of the week september 9-15th

the answers we find are never what we had in mind so we make it up as we go along
miss jenn, text message, june 18th, 2006 (from "if i am" by nine days)

there are definitely some song lyrics that have been borrowing their way into my head recently, especially jimmy eat world & spill canvas, but, this quote from the fabulous miss jenn seemed the most apropos to my state of mind today, &, as it turns out, she was quoting me song lyrics *winks*.

as i was cleaning out my cell text messages i found this one that i've had saved for well over a year now & i realized that it is SO true. which is part of the infuriating beauty that is this thing we call life. it is also reminiscent of that lovely old adage "life is what happens when you're busy making plans," or "man plans, god laughs." except, this is a little sweeter, gives us a little more credit in the script writing of this crazy play.

my life today is nothing that i would have guessed or planned when i was younger. do i regret that? it really is hard to regret or morn something that you never had in the first place. what i can say, is, even though lately it occurs to me: what a long, strange trip it's been (yes, i did sneak some more song lyrics in *winks* can you id the artist?) i kind of like the place that i'm at right now.

i won't even lie & say that if i could go back & do it all again that i'd do it the same way. cause i can't say that i would. i do love the person that i am & the people that are in my life. i am friends with some of the best people in the world. the universe even. & i guess if i was told that changing everything would mean i wouldn't have them in my life, THEN i may reconsider. but, there is a selfish part of me that wishes i could change some things about my past. the events that still cut like fresh wounds. the ones that have scarred, but never really healed. that sometimes still haunt me in restless nights.

the flip side of that thought is that, aside from losing the wonderful people in my life, i would most likely not be the same person if i were able to erase those painful parts of my past. i have honestly tried to learn from everything in my life. & what i've learned is so much greater than the sum of those individual lessons. does that really mean i'd do it the same all over again? i still don't know.

so i keep fumbling & doing my best to not repeat the same stupid mistakes of my past. but i've also stopped dwelling on those mistakes. & every day i try to ignore the itching & throbbing of those old scars. i pay enough attention so i don't have to go through that again, but not so much attention that i'm not able to look forward. focusing too much on past misdeeds is a sure way to never move forward.

even at this exact moment i'm making it up as i go along. i'm starting another class tonight at school, even though i probably have enough credits for two masters degrees. trying once again to finally finish my damn novel. finally get my masters completed & move on with my life. not that i don't love school, because i really do, but as i was headed home from work last night at the group home i realized, i'm over school. & i'm ready to be done with it.

does that mean that i'll never go back. uh, yeah, probably not. i love learned way too much, & i'll most likely eventually go for a phd so i can legitimately have people call me doctor. *winks* i also may wind up taking guitar lessons just to jump start my re-learning the guitar goal (since i'm almost a third through my 1001 days & i still haven't made any progress in that direction).

maybe that's what makes some people more "successful" than others. their ability to adapt. which, also brings to mind, the saying "it's not a sin to fall, it's a sin to stay down." i'm definitely not staying down, because that's just ludicrous, not as in the rapper. & totally a waste of time, to spend your time wallowing in the dirt because things aren't going the way you planned. so, i get knocked down, but i get up again, you're never gonna keep me down (name those lyrics & artist).

as always, from the dark side of the moon, with much love, beckah.

thought of the week: september 2-8

and i don't know, this could break my heart or save me, nothing's real until you let go completely, so here i go with all my thoughts i've been saving, so here i go with all my fears weighing on me. three months and i'm still sober, picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
~kelly clarkson, sober, my december

yes, we're on a kick with the song lyrics. & i thought briefly about not doing lyrics just because i used them last week & the week before, but this is another song that i've been listening to a lot lately & has taken on special meaning to me.

right now i am in that transition place. a year ago on this exact date i was engaged, planning my wedding, i had my wedding dress on order & was freaking out because i had to find another bride's maid since i all of a sudden had four boys & three girls lined up for the wedding. now i'm single & so much happier, like night & day between the two. i have a gorgeous wedding dress hanging in my parents' house. i have my own apartment & i'm actually getting along with my parents again.

i have gotten rid of a lot of elements in my life that were strangling me, keeping out the sun from my heart. the biggest is that not only did i break off my engagement, i broke off the relationship, & i haven't spoken to my ex in a couple of months now. he owes me money & so he's avoiding me. & for my part, i'm trying to surround myself with positive uplifting people & he is very negative & so i want absolutely no part of that kind of state of mind. i have decided that instead of being upset about the money he owes me & will not pay back, i see it as a small price to pay for a very valuable life lesson.

it can be lonely, going from a relationship to being single again. especially when two of my best friends are not only happily married, but just gave birth to beautiful baby boys in the past month. & there is a small part of me that is sometimes afraid that maybe i won't find that one person that i want to spend my life with. the one person that makes me trust them completely & unequivocally with my heart & soul. & it was one of the hardest things ever, to say that "yes, i've made a mistake, yes i need to call this off, i cannot marry this person, i will not spend the rest of my life with them." i am still very happy that i did not get married, but it's still one of those tough things, to admit on such a large scale that you were wrong. to have to face everyone in your life saying, "i made a huge mistake, but i'm fixing it."

even though it can be lonely at times, i'm enjoying my year of freedom, my year of being selfish & doing what i want to do. last night i stayed out until after 4am because i was having fun with my friends & i wanted to stay out that late. & i'm not willing to just jump into another relationship just because some nights it sucks being alone. i would rather do what i'm doing now, loving life & enjoying myself alone, than compromise who i am for the sake of being able to say that i have a boyfriend.

this song is one that is not only beautiful, but makes me remember why i am doing all of this. i'm stumbling along a bit, i have my tough days, but i'm getting there. each day it's a little bit easier, & each day i learn something more about myself that i didn't know before. the song also reaffirms something that i've been saying for the last nine or ten months, that i need to surround myself with positive people with beautiful souls. in my life i really have picked the weeds & kept the flowers.

it's hard at times, cutting people out of your life that are negative, that you realize are dragging you down. there are a few people that i have not been able to completely cut out simply because of the fact that they are related to me, but i have been fairly successful at, mostly, cutting down the time spent with those people. this is something that i have learned in the past: sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they are poison to you & so you need to distance yourself in order to keep living every day.

the wild birds at the triple rock

i have recently fallen in love with the album golden daze, which is evidenced by the fact that my blog has recently been inundated with talk of the wildbirds. last night i was actually able to see the boys play live & in person at the triple rock in minneapolis. & my first response is, wow. jenn was completely right in that they are really powerful & even more phenomenal in person.

it is one thing to be able to put together a beautiful album, it's another to be able to go live in front of an audience & deliver better than on the album. last night i saw not only better than the album, but a performance that enthralled me from start to finish. now, granted, i know the songs by heart, so after the first couple of seconds i knew what they were going to play, but i really watched the band, not just listening to the music but watching them play, perform. & i was so impressed from start to finish.

while the wildbirds played i tried to watch all of them simultaneously & take the entire thing in, which was completely impossible, but i was able to focus during different songs on the artistry of the band as a whole & on each member as an individual. what i can say is that they are each very talented in their own right & as a band they are completely magical.

i was especially in awe of the energy & power that nick, the lead singer, put into each & every song, from the very start to the very end of their set. i was also equally intrigued watching jon, the drummer, through out the show. matt, on lead guitar, & hugh, on bass, were also awesome ( i don't want to leave anyone out), but it really was nick & jon that kept repeatedly grabbing my attention.

the great part about the show at the triple rock last night was that it was a small venue. we were close to the stage, i could lean against the wall & feel the music. i know that one day these guys are going to be huge, playing places like the xcel or the target center, so i am going to take every chance i get to see them in small venues while i still have the chance. i said it once & i'll say it again, watch the wildbirds, get their album, go see them next time they roll through town. you don't want to miss this chance.

burn, baby, burn

last night was the burning of the man out in the black rock desert in nevada at the burning man art festival. some burners (people who are now, or have in the past, attended burning man) see the burning of the man on saturday night as the celebration of a new year. that's how it was explained to me back in 2004 & it's always stuck with me. it's celebrating the end of one year & looking forward to the beginning of a new year.

i do wish i would have been able to go to burning man this year, but i'm also ok with the fact that i didn't go this year. i plan on going again next year, but i've made that decision now that when the man burns in 2008 that i will be there. & that feels right.

even though i wasn't able to be on the playa watching the man burn last night, i did have a little celebration of my own. my dad & i had a small burn last night in my parents back yard in their fire pit. nothing big or ostentatious, but it was really nice anyway. i fed the fire with letters i had left from my relationship with the southerner, even though we broke up four years ago, i still had the letters. i sipped some hard cider & we talked while watching the fire flare up & die down again, over & over, finally melting into just burning red embers tinged with black soot.

somehow, that was the perfect way to end this past year. a year that was full of heartache & hardships. a year that saw the disintegration of my engagement, but the rebuilding of myself. a year in which i found myself distancing myself from my family, but in the end i am closer to them for all the events of the past 365 days.

tonight is the temple burn on the playa. a night of reflection & introspection. quiet contemplation & spiritual growth. tonight i'll be in a club in minneapolis, but i think it's the right way for me to start off my new year.

so to all you burners out there: past, present, & future, happy new year.

come play with the cool kids

well gang, tonight the wildbirds will be playing in minneapolis at the triple rock social club. it's a late show, but, tomorrow's labor day, so i don't have to work, so my ass is totally going to be there! (along with the rest of me, of course).

i have yet to see the wildbirds live & in person, but i have fallen in love with golden daze & expect tonight to be fantastic. so i'll be the cute brunette in the dark blue applebottoms.

see ya there.

thought of the week: august 26-september 1

here, you can be anything, anything that scares you, i think that scares you

~jimmy eat world, clarity, "just watch the fireworks"

since june i've been on a big jimmy kick, listening to the album clarity every night as i fall asleep, while working out, while driving, just about all the time. jenn gave me the cd for my birthday & it's one of the best gifts i've ever received. sometimes there are things that come to you at just the right point in your life: a book, a movie, a song/cd. & this cd came into my life at just the right time.

right before my birthday i was definitely feeling out of sorts, on the outside, & like i didn't have any sense of grounding in my life. i really am concentrating now on moving forward with my life & not dwelling on my past: my mistakes, the things i wish i would have said, would have done, the time i wasted doing anything but what makes me happy. but at that time i was in a pretty dark, dusty place.

while in cali, incidentally on the way up to pleasant hell where i crisped like chicken in a pan of hot oil on my way to be tattooed, i had a jimmy epiphany, my first jimmy epiphany. to quote miss jenn "you can't avoid having a jimmy epiphany in cali with the top down." TRUE STORY. i did have the top down, bandanna in my hair, shades on, the top down, going faster than i'll admit with jimmy eat world on the stereo, & " just watch the fire works came on." the song starts off with my quote of the week, & all of a sudden something hit me, as if the song had been written for me for that moment in my life, driving from campbell to pleasant hill on I-680 north in a blue convertible. i had heard the song at least a dozen times from receiving the cd on wednesday & my birthday on friday. but there was something about that moment in time that just touched me.

& i realized that, i really can be anything. & it does scare me. i'm scared by the possibility of it all. because i don't want to live my life in the normal pastel shades of life. i want to color my days in the thick, heady, deep shades of bold pigment: glittering emerald green, sparkling pacific ocean blue/green, passionate dragon eye red, the purest virgin white & deepest sinful coal black. the tones that are scary because they don't whisper for approval, they shout their intentions to the whole world, no matter what. i want to be the kind of person that is so utterly phenomenal that everyone wants to know her because she's just that magnetic. (well, ok, i already kinda think i am that person. . . . but i want to be even more so).

where does that leave me? same place i started. looking straight at the fact that i can be anything i want, anything at all, even something scary. & to be honest, while it's my greatest dream, being a writer is something that IS scary. being an artist is most definitely not walking the same worn path. it's outside the norm. it's sexy, elusive, mysterious, uncertain, scary, & surreal. for a chick who grew up in subsidised housing, my parents scraping by & working hard to give me a chance at something better. to give me a chance to have financial stability, free of their same worry. for me, it's the most frightening thing in the world, because, while i know i can make it. i know that i can, will, be financially successful at writing. it's also doing the exact opposite of what my parents dreamed for me. they wanted me doing what i am right now: working a full time job, with good health insurance, a 401K, the chance for something better. but, at the same time, they also told me the same thing as my quote this week, that i can be ANYTHING. talk about a bit of a mixed message.

but, i stand by what both my myspace & yahoo IM say "talk to me now before i'm famous." i'll make it. & it's the scariest thing in the world. but thrilling & well worth the work & everything i will give to live my dream.

the rules of kindergarten don't apply here

my first comment is: jesus bobby!

so jenn totally kicked my ass at kick boxing! twice now! on wednesday we were practicing "elbows" which is basically using your forearm in a sweeping motion to smack the shit out of your opponent. well, at one point she hit the target pad with pretty intense force & i was caught off guard & the target pad i was holding with my left hand bounced back, hitting me in the face & nearly knocking my glasses off my face. awesome. to jenn's credit, she felt really bad about hitting me in the face with my own arm. luckily i didn't bruise at all, & other than being a bit startled & kinda sheepish about hitting myself in the face, with jenn's help, no harm no foul.

so i figured that was a one time fluke accident. bizarre, but nothing that could happen again, right? WELL, not so much. two days later, once again at kick box d'oh at the Y, jenn punches me in the face, with my own hand, again. jesus bobby.

it was the same thing, practicing elbows, i was the target she was punching. she's also left handed, which means her left hand & arm are stronger than her right. & since i'm right handed the exact opposite is true for me. SO, when she is using all of her strength & putting her whole body into her left elbows, she's making contact with my left hand holding the target pad. but, i also think that i need to hold the target a bit lower, more toward my chest, that way, if something gets bruised it's my boobies & not my face.

the lesson in all this? don't piss jenn off, cause she can elbow the crap outta you.

thought of the week

welcome to a new feature here in my corner of blogsphere: thought/quote of the week. over the past few days i've been listening to the wildbirds golden daze quite a bit, as evidenced by my recent blog. & i've been doing a lot of thinking. one thing i realized is that very often a day, or a week, or even a phase, of my life is framed by the music, books, or movies that i am immersed with, & very often a quote that takes on special meaning to me. so i've decided to share the love (& the voices in my head) by posting a quote a week along with my personal musings. because of my recent infatuation with the wildbirds, the quote of the week for this first week is from their song "slow down," which is currently one of my favorites on the album.

 

hold on, this ain't gonna be easy

slow down, you've been moving too fast

~the wild birds~ golden daze

 

lately i do feel as if i've been moving at warp speed. i've been flitting from one thing to the next like a freakin hummingbird, not taking time to settle & do any one thing with the intensity or voracity to which i think is required. i do know quite a few people that seem to thrive on that kind of momentum (my sis, my dad, & the fabulous dev to name three). & while i do sometimes thrive on stress & the rush of the adrenaline & i push myself to do just one more thing, just one more mile, just one more book, just one more blog, just one more errand, before the sun sets again. it wears on me at the same time. i think even the above trio of speed would agree that sometimes a person needs to stop, take a deep breath, & re-evaluate. that's the place that i'm at right now, trying to put the brakes on without tripping or crashing into a tree so that i can stop, take stock of where i find myself.

 

right now i'm trying to do some major things all at once. i'm trying to (once again) lose weight, get back into my fanatical (some might say) work out routine, & finish my master degree with not one but TWO thesis (yeah, i'll admit that one is pretty mother effin psychotic). any one of those things would drive a normal person insane. but i'm doing it while living in st. paul, working in minnetonka (read 21.2 miles each way) & actually working two jobs, not just one. now i'm not asking for a pity party (but if i WERE to ask for one, would you come? bring me a pressie wrapped in a pink bow? we'd have punch & pie. . .cause more people will come if we have punch & pie ).

 

thankfully losing weight goes very well with my fanatical workout schedule, so once i find my exercise mojo i'll be in like flynn. & by fanatical i mean that i was working out a minimum of two hours a day, every day of the week, a combination of yoga/pilates & cardio/weight lifting. this was back in spring of 2005. granted, when i was working out that much i was taking one class & only working part time (read 24 hours every other week). so working out that much was no thang. it kept me out of trouble & off the streets. & you know what happens when poets are allowed to run the streets wild. there's nothing worse than poets run amok, it's like girls gone wild meets sylvia plath, without the oven, but with the booze. true story.

 

the two thesis, well, even in a perfect world that is no small task. once again, not asking for a pity party, jus statin' da facts mac. i will readily admit that doing a book of poetry & a novel would be MUCH easier if i was only working part time again, ah those days of minimal work hours! & if i didn't live so far away from work. & if i wasn't trying to lose an olson twin (there will be a future blog on this subject, stay tuned!) but that's not the case. & i am by no means bound to finish both projects. hamline did not require me to sign anything in blood (i was grandfathered in before they started doing that for thesis candidates). by now it's a matter of pride. i've told everyone & their grandmother that i'm doing two projects for my thesis. my parents, especially my mom, have been bragging me up to anyone who will listen, & several people who really didn't want to listen. & i feel like i would be a colossal failure if i gave up on this. to their credit, my advisers at hamline have been very supportive of me no matter what i want to do, although, i have been given that look that says "say what?! you crazy wench!" which i totally deserve. cause here's the dirty little secret: it doesn't affect my actual degree in the slightest if i finish two masters projects or if i decide i'm satisfied with just one. one is all that's required. the WORST part gang, is that i have enough poems that i could finish my poetry book & be done with everything by december & all set to graduate (read walk) in may. *eye roll* i know. completely idiotic. i should just "finish the book of poetry & be the feck done with it" to quote miss sinead.

 

but, hrm, i went into this program saying i wanted to write fiction, that i want to be a novelist. & i really feel that i NEED to finish the novel for my own soul. there is something inside me (once again, those voices) that says if i don't finish a novel now, i may never finish one. & i know that i have it in me. i just KNOW it. i love my poetry too, my poems are like my babies, little pieces of me that i send out into the world to make their way & revolutionize society. but a novel, the thought of a novel feels bigger, more substantial, a novel has heft to it. even though it is most certainly NOT true, i sometimes get the feeling that the thought runs rampant that anyone if they have a general grasp of written language & the ability to rhyme can write poetry. for the record i strongly assert that is more definitely NOT the case. just because you can make cart & fart rhyme does not mean that you are compelled to do so & call it poetry. yes i'm kind of a snob when it comes to writing, i never deliberately hurt anyone's feelings, but that's just the way i feel. i won't apologize for it. but, writing a novel, that's something that takes time & dedication to finish, even a crap novel is an accomplishment of sorts. yes yes, twisted logic, i know.

 

& while i have a lot that i want to get done, that i feel like i need to get done, i also feel that going at a frantic pace every day of the week is not going to bring me any kind of lasting joy, satisfaction, or enjoyment. so here we go, *deep breath* cause really,  hold on, this ain't gonna be easy. slow down, you've been moving too fast true story. & while toys, gadgets, & status are really nice amenities to life, how can you enjoy the journey if you never go anywhere?

the wildbirds-golden daze : a music review

i was first introduced to the wildbirds by jenn, who is good friends with "the boys." i recall hearing about them all the way back in our training days at our previous company, in the wintery cold of january 2006. back then what i recall most was her shock that they were officially dismantling their band, number one fan, going back to the drawing board, and re-inventing themselves: as a band, as a group, & their style. well, maybe not so much shock as kind of a grieving process. she loved the boys as number one fan & was, & still is, extremely sad to know that her beloved band is no more. i was also with jenn through the process as she, friend & fan, was privy to the evolution of the new band: new songs, new name, the whole shebang as she hung out with the boys on their frequent trips through the cities here. & as she ventured on a few occasions to appleton, wisconsin just to see them play. on a personal note, i have to say it was quite thrilling to see an artist make that transformation & see how it affects those who love them, on a personal & professional level.

so, onto the music review portion. i'd like to note that jenn is not twisting my arm, nor is she in anyway prompting me to post this. BUT, as someone who has gained a genuine affection for the wildbirds music (& their previous incarnation, number one fan) i want to be out front & promote these guys, maybe gain them a fan or two. i genuinely feel honored that i've been given the privilege of hearing many of their songs before the full album release through jenn's ipod over my cube wall when she got the EP at its release & introduced me to the songs that she had been raving about for months & months. (for anyone who, like me, has no clue what the eff an EP is, basically, it is a teaser of the music to come on the full album. it has some of the songs, but not all of them. according to jenn, EP stands for extended play. now, why, a shorter teaser version of an album is called an EXTENDED PLAY i have no fricken clue, just sharin' the knowledge, sharin' the love.)

the wildbirds music, in a way, reminds me of music from bands gone past. they have a bit of a tom petty feel for me (ala the wildflowers album), also a bit of some 60's & 70's rock. there is even a track that is slightly tarantino-eque, as in quentin. since i am a complete music history novice i won't pretend to be able to speak with supreme musical sophistication on the exact genre that they fall into, nor would i try to classify their music into any one spot. the album is, from start to finish, an emotional journey, that, depending on the mindset of the listener, can drastically change the emotions the songs illicit. it consists of eleven tracks, but they flow together so well that it seems that there are both more than eleven songs, and less than eleven songs, if that makes sense. when you listen intently to the songs you, of course, can tell the change from one to the next, but if you have the cd playing in the background as you drive or work or are otherwise distracted from active listening, it feels like an opera with many different scenes.

i have listened quite intently to the album since i got it on wednesday, hoping to do it justice as i try my hand at a music review. with each listen through i find something different that i love, that intrigues me, that makes me think, & that surprises me. at this exact moment i have four songs that are my favorites, but my favorites have also changed several times through out my first days with this album. currently my favorites are "it's alright now," "where has all the goodness gone?" "slow down," & "suzanna."

"it's alright now" is the song that is somewhat tarantino-eque, it was actually used in a commercial that won a contest for vegas.com (the commercial itself starts at about 6:08 on the player). i know it sounds a bit bizarre to say that a song is tarantino-esque, just have a listen & you'll see what i mean. the second one, "where has all the goodness gone" is the slowest song of the album, almost a ballad, but i hate to pigeon hole any of the songs into a specific genre. but, it is definitely a welcome interlude in the otherwise mainly fast paced album, it allows the listener to stop, take a deep breath, & refocus. "slow down" is a song that i can't stop playing, even as i blog it's playing on my itunes. the chorus is one that, in jenn's words, i can see being really catchy. but it's also really profound & simple at the same time, & is suited perfectly for the place that i am at right now. the last song listed, "suzanna" is the last track on the album, but is definitely a strong track in it's own right. it's the kind of song that you almost HAVE to listen to with the top down, or, at the least, your windows. it is a beautiful song with a wonderfully strong bass beat while at the same time feeling like a rock ballad/love song. each time i hear it i try to focus on a different element: lyrics, drums, guitar.

the wildbirds are definitely a band to watch. they'll be coming through the twin cities again on september 2 at the triple rock social club. i have heard that while their album is phenomenal that it pales in comparison to seeing the band live. the show that night is super cheap, according to the website only $6, it is a 21+ event. but if you're in the cites & free that night, i highly recommend seeing the show. unless you have a personal in with the guys i doubt you'll ever be able to see them play for less. besides, you can't even see a movie for $6 anymore, & this is live in person entertainment.

a whole new world

this will be short & sweet, but all i have to say is:

hallelujah & thank the gods for fire fox!

i've been having trouble blogging from home since blogger upgraded, for some reason when i was blogging using safari i was having horrible connectivity issues. i was only able to post via html, when i tried spell checking i got a mesh of incomprehensible mess & it was just ugly & inconvenient to the max.

i've used firefox over at miss jenn's & miss april's & i decided it couldn't be any worse than the issues i've been having using safari. (yes, i know, i theoretically could have been using internet explorer, but i can't stand it, so no IE for me.

so i googled firefox, found the free down load & then. . . .

& then. . . .

& then. . . .

well, that brings us to now, i'm blogging on firefox, my dashboard is showing beautifully. i'm so happy i could dance.

blogging is made easy at home again for me. yippee!

no wonder marines are so cranky

last night was another fabulous new experience at the y, & that is not at all meant with the dripping sarcasm that one may intuit, honest injun! so jenn & i finally attended the famed boot camp class led by the intimidating holly. honestly, holly is one of those women that is beautiful, fit, & looks like she could totally kick your arse from one side of the planet to the other & barely break a sweat. she's definitely not someone i would want to cross. incidentally, jenn & i first met holly in the kick box d'oh class, she was a co-instructor one night. after class she told us we should come & see her at boot camp class. jenn immediately said "will do" & looked too peppy for someone who had just finished kick boxing class, & my response was "yeah, i'll work on that" meanwhile shooting jenn the you are mother frickin crazy daggers with my eyes.



well, oddly enough, i was the one that pushed jenn to go to the class last night with me. i think i just heard a thud, someone must have passed out from shock. well, they'll rejoin us again very soon. typically jenn is the one that takes me kicking & screaming, almost literally, to the classes (like body pump & kick box d'oh) but, for some strange reason, last night i was feeling particularly energetic & i told her that we should take the class. that was after we did some laps around the track, about a mile and a third, the last half of it we alternated between walking a lap & then jogging a lap. don't worry, i won't break my arm patting myself on the back, BUT, i am pretty flippin pleased with myself that not only did i make myself go to boot camp, but i got jenn to go along with me.



now, i will admit, i was having some serious shooting pain in my left ankle & my right hip was twinging a bit after the jogging, but there was something inside me that said i just had to go to boot camp last night, it was like a life or death pinnacle moment for me. usually i can't tell those pivotal moments in my life until they're in the past, the ones on which an entire future turn, but i know that last night was one of those moments, & going to that class would be, IS, the event that changes everything. i can't see what it is changing for me, but i know it is. to quote a song miss jenn & i listened to last night during our mc-crack fix: "the past is just the future with the lights on." btw, i /heart that line & i think it's really a motto to live by. it's deep man, super deep.



i'm not even going to pretend that boot camp was a cake walk. mmmm, cake. but, i'm also not going to say that it was impossible, because it wasn't! it was a challenge. since neither of us had been to the class we didn't know all of the moves. & our bodies are still not at the michelle kwan flexibility stage yet, but they're getting there. so one move, the garbage picker, neither of us did very successfully. basically you start a couple feet away from a stepper, you hop in, put your hands on it, hop just your feet back keeping your hands on the step, do two push ups, then hop your feet forward & stand up. yeah. i know. read it a second time. my reaction when holly showed it to us was: WHAT?!



&, at one point, mentally, i did pull out the "homey don't bend that way." much like last week at power down, holly very calmly said (while everyone was sitting on their step): "put your right ankle up on your left knee, ok, now put your hands behind you on the step, & slide yourself forward off the step, feel that wonderful glute & hamstring stretch." now, to my credit, i held in the snorted laugh that i was tempted to let loose, but i did give her my patented homey-don't-bend-that-way-look. & i did do my best regardless. i crossed my ankle over my left leg, i leaned back, & i scooted my butt forward as far as i could. i knew that if i moved my butt off that step that i would proceed to fall & crack my head on the studio floor. which is bad for business. interestingly enough, the staff at the Y don't like their members passed out & bleeding all over their floor. i know, how rude.



once again, this is a class that i would like to attend again. the big down fall of boot camp is that on tuesdays it is from 5:30pm-6:35pm & the power down class i like is on tuesdays from 6:00pm-6:40pm. yeah, that makes me a bit of a sad panda :( there is a yoga class after boot camp called power yoga, so once i feel a little less awkward from boot camp i'll have to try that also. luckily, boot camp is offered twice a week, so i could always drag my butt the 25 miles from my apartment to minnetonka to go to that some morning with the fabulous miss jenn.

boot camp did live up to its name, definitely! today i am one hurting unit. interestingly enough i have found glute/thigh muscles i didn't know exist. & my chest is hurting in ways it never has before, all of which is very good. if your local Y has a boot camp, i highly recommend it. holly was great about pushing everyone in class (we even got an extra set of running steps because no one told her their glutes were hurting. . .i won't make that mistake twice!), but she was also great about showing everyone adaptations of some of the tougher exercises so that those of us who aren't yet able to do all of the exercises, could keep pushing along. she also came up to jenn & i at the end of class & made a point of telling us that we did a really good job for our first time at boot camp *beaming*

with that said, boot camp gets an over all grade of an A from me. a really great workout, i can feel it the next day, but also very adaptable for different skill levels, & not nearly as intimidating as it sounds.

auntie em, auntie em, it's a twister, it's a twister, oh wait, no it's not

so i'm a wee bit north of tornado alley, that's typically the area of the united states also known as the bible belt (short aside: is it a coincidence that the area of the country known for bible-thumping-tent-revival-fire&brimstone-jeZUS-died-for-your-sins is also plagued by the majority of tornadoes? hrm, that's a noggin scratcher. . .not that i have anything against bible thumpers, i'm related to a few) so, even though we're a bit north from that infamous area of the country, we've been getting hit by some major storms over the past few days. this past satruday morning, in the early wee hours, or late friday night depending on your perspective, we got hit pretty hard. there were large tree branches, & in some cases, entire trees, downed by the storm. quite a few people lost power for a few hours, & some people even lost their power for a few days, actually, i think a select few are still without power from the saturday storm.

 

well, mother nature decided that we needed a little more of the wet stuff here in the twin cities. last night during the eight o'clock hour the meteorologist kept cutting in on hell's kitchen to give updates of the impending storms descending, quite literally, on the twin cities. normally i am a really huge fan of storms, i love curling up in a comfy chair or on the couch with a fuzzy squishy blanket & a book & just let the rain beat a beautiful rhythm on the roof while i lose myself in the wonderful world of fiction. but last night was the season finale of hell's kitchen.

 

as of late i have been trying very hard to distance myself from tv, watch less tv, read more, that whole schtick. i really believe that tv is making me dumber. this realization came after the fact that i was watching the simple life & actually enjoying it. yes, i was watching it willingly, i was not in anyway tied to my chair & there was not a gun pointed at my head. now, i had not yet gotten to the point where i was willingly hunting down the simple life, but while i was at the group home, my second job, i was watching it because another staff person turned it on for the residents (they like comedies). so after i woke myself out of the reality tv induced mental coma, i decided tv was sucking my life away & i have too much i want to accomplish to just sit & let my life & soul be sucked out of me by the boob tube. i actually don't even have a tv in my room at my apartment, my roommate has one in the living room, but i left my tv snugly at my parents' house.

 

one of the few exceptions to my personal ban on the one eyed monster, is chef ramsay night. my mom & i will get together on monday nights, watch hell's kitchen, have a spot of supper, & converse during commercials & laugh as chef ramsay tells chef after chef to "fuck off" or quit trying to serve up "baby shit." now she & my dad are on their two week anniversary get away up north in da-lut, so i had to go it alone for chef ramsay night last night, which was fine, i was recording it for her, & i plan on taunting her by saying "neener neener neener, i know who wo-on." the one wrench in my was mother nature & her sudden appearance of storm *angrily shaking my fist skyward*

 

just before nine pm, about quarter til-ish, the storm was really kicking up, the station rearranged some commercials & kept breaking in, they were kind enough to at least give us some of the show, & they did let us see the moment when rock & bonnie turned the handles of their doors, rock's opened, bonnie's didn't, so he was the winner, and then- back to the weather. to which i had my own little profanity break. ok, now granted, there were three storms converging, all with "tornado ripe situations" & they were bearing down on blaine & coon rapids, both of which have some fairly large trailer parks, but seriously, if there's a tornado knocking on your door & you live in a trailer & you're STILL sitting watching tv, well, you have bigger problems.

 

i'm not necessarily saying that fox 9 should have ignored the whole situation, but would it have really killed them to give us the last couple minutes of hell's kitchen? just another two minutes so we could see rock get all teary eyed (i'm guessing) & see bonnie's graceful admission that rock is the better chef (once again, just guessing). who knows, maybe there was a major knock down drag out between the two finalists. maybe bonnie found out that julia, while on her team, was rooting for rock & POSSIBLY not doing her best job for the blond nanny? seriously, anyone who's come up with a pink plus sign on a pregnancy test when they were hoping for a minus knows that A LOT can happen in a minute, or less even. true story.

 

so alas & aleck, i know that rock won, but not the nitty-gritties. as far as i know we didn't actually get any tornadoes in the cities here. we got some pretty fierce winds, some more power outages, quite a bit of rain, & one hell of an ass kicking my mother nature, but luckily she saved the big guns for another day. but i am still very disgruntled regarding the season finale of hell's kitchen. i publicly petition fox 9 to rebroadcast the season finale for all of us who really wanted to see the entire show. i feel gypped. once again, i feel like everything was building to this wonderful climax & it was rudely yanked away. like someone falling asleep a minute too early. true story, a lot can happen in sixty seconds.