it's not news to anyone who has been around me lately that my life has been full of events, emergencies, & basically one emotionally draining bizarre event after another. yeah, i know, wake up & smell the espresso, that's life. & yeah, it is life. & i need to learn how to balance all that bullshit with my writing. because i've been a major slacker when it comes to my writing. not only my blog, but everything else too.
just so we're all reading the same book here. this is a short sum-up of recent events:
~april 9th my dad had rotator cuff surgery (so he's now off of work for 6 months & driving every one crazy)
~april 28th my grandma died in arizona
~may 12th last day of class & final paper due (i had to beg an extension to turn it in on monday the 14th)
~may 12th tina's baby shower, which i was hosting
~may 12th becky's bachelorette, which i was hosting
~may 18th grandma's funeral
~may 18th marty & becky's wedding
~may 18th tina's grandma died
~today tina's grandma's funeral
there's been lots of other little stuff in there & lots of inner drama, but that's the main listing of the external events that have been on my list of challenging items.
in the midst of all the trauma/drama i have been doing a lot of thinking, mostly over thinking, but some plain ol regular thinking too. & i've come to two pretty important conclusions. one of which i'm ept sure that i've mentioned on here, the other which i'm ept sure i haven't mentioned on here.
so the first conclusion is that no matter how completely insane my life gets i need to keep writing & keep working on that dream. because it's not going to happen on my own. & one thing i've noticed is that the times when my life is the most insane, when tons of outside shits keeps intruding, that is the time when i should be writing the most. not because writing is therapeutic, because my "therapeutic" writing sucks ass most of the time. but because i need to learn to write all the time, no matter what is happening in my life. & i have totally said that before. i know that i have. but life is one big long lesson. & some times you have to fail the tests a couple times before the lesson sticks.
the second conclusion is a lot harder to verbalize. it has to do more with my spirit. just like i've been neglecting my writing, i've been neglecting my spirit. & i think the two are most definitely related. back when i was eighteen i came to a realization, that i needed to follow a different path. i feel the best when i do lots of meditation, when i'm at peace with myself and the world around me. i really believe that i need to be in tune with nature. this is what i've been neglecting. i've been SO concerned with making sure that i'm not disappointing anyone, letting anyone down, or in any other fashion fucking up that i've been neglecting that internal maintenance on my soul. if that makes any sense at all. when i was really at peace with myself i was doing lots of meditation, inner soul searching, & just spirit maintenance. basically i've been letting my spirituality lapse. there's not really a better way to say that. but i may go into it deeper in a later blog.
& that's basically what i need to do i need to write more & regain my spirituality.
nuff said.
Showing posts with label meditation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meditation. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Thursday, September 21, 2006
a tisket a tasket, a candle filled basket
at work we've been having events all of last week & this week, an employee giving campaign to benefit some local charities. we've had a walk-a-thon, candy gram sales, loose change donation, clothing drive, smoothie bar, & the most recent one was a silent auction, named k-bay. no, i have no idea what the "k" stands for, but my guess is that i really should know.
the items were donated by individuals in the company, or businesses in the area, we then had a
link on our intranet site so that we could go & bid on the items. the bidding ended yesterday & ta-da, i won my bid on this candle basket! i'm uber happy, it has a big ceramic jar candle, three filled square glass candles, a lantern, & 9 dozen party lite tealight candles! & i got it for the bargain price of $53, which was a decent amount under the value of all the items combined. & yeah, a bit extravagant, but i /heart candles, as you all know, often prompting my father to yell "watch those goddamn candles or one day we're all gonna wake up part of the ashes." & besides, the lantern candle is simply adorable & it'll look really nice at my wedding reception on one of the tables. & then later in my house just because it's that uber cool looking. each of the nine dozen tealights are also a different scent, so the aroma is heavenly here at my desk right now.
mmmmm....makes me want to go home, burn some cedar & meditate. you know what? i really think that's what i'm missing right now. some bonefide beckah time, spent meditating, relaxing, taking care of my mind & my body. burning cedar incense is very cleansing for me, very much a spiritual experience. i think it goes back to memories of a time before my birth. i very much believe in reincarnation, that you carry the souls of your ancestors with you, in a collective memory. i'm also very much starting to believe that time is more circular than linear.
all this talk of candles, incense, & fire takes me back to labor day weekend. it was the weekend of the burn. for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, it's burning man, check it out, wickedly cool. & i was bummed. i didn't get to the burn last year due to money, i had even bought my tickets & everything. then this year finances were bad enough i didn't even contemplate the burn at all. but saturday september 2nd, i sat out by the fire pit in my back yard, made a fire, got drunk, looked at the stars, the fire, breathed in the smoke. & thought, a lot. about life, the universe, & everything. the meaning, or lack there of. & came to a conclusion.
weight loss, & in a way, life in general, is a lot like a burning fire. at some points the fire goes out, or so you think, there's ash there, black & smoky as if it's all done, but if you stir it up just right, embers splash out of that darkness, the fire roars again, & suddenly there's light once again where before it was just pitch. the main thing is to keep in mind that even though you can't see the flames, that doesn't mean that they aren't there, lingering beneath the residue of events past just waiting to be stoked & freed to once again fuel a new blaze.
the items were donated by individuals in the company, or businesses in the area, we then had a
link on our intranet site so that we could go & bid on the items. the bidding ended yesterday & ta-da, i won my bid on this candle basket! i'm uber happy, it has a big ceramic jar candle, three filled square glass candles, a lantern, & 9 dozen party lite tealight candles! & i got it for the bargain price of $53, which was a decent amount under the value of all the items combined. & yeah, a bit extravagant, but i /heart candles, as you all know, often prompting my father to yell "watch those goddamn candles or one day we're all gonna wake up part of the ashes." & besides, the lantern candle is simply adorable & it'll look really nice at my wedding reception on one of the tables. & then later in my house just because it's that uber cool looking. each of the nine dozen tealights are also a different scent, so the aroma is heavenly here at my desk right now.mmmmm....makes me want to go home, burn some cedar & meditate. you know what? i really think that's what i'm missing right now. some bonefide beckah time, spent meditating, relaxing, taking care of my mind & my body. burning cedar incense is very cleansing for me, very much a spiritual experience. i think it goes back to memories of a time before my birth. i very much believe in reincarnation, that you carry the souls of your ancestors with you, in a collective memory. i'm also very much starting to believe that time is more circular than linear.
all this talk of candles, incense, & fire takes me back to labor day weekend. it was the weekend of the burn. for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, it's burning man, check it out, wickedly cool. & i was bummed. i didn't get to the burn last year due to money, i had even bought my tickets & everything. then this year finances were bad enough i didn't even contemplate the burn at all. but saturday september 2nd, i sat out by the fire pit in my back yard, made a fire, got drunk, looked at the stars, the fire, breathed in the smoke. & thought, a lot. about life, the universe, & everything. the meaning, or lack there of. & came to a conclusion.
weight loss, & in a way, life in general, is a lot like a burning fire. at some points the fire goes out, or so you think, there's ash there, black & smoky as if it's all done, but if you stir it up just right, embers splash out of that darkness, the fire roars again, & suddenly there's light once again where before it was just pitch. the main thing is to keep in mind that even though you can't see the flames, that doesn't mean that they aren't there, lingering beneath the residue of events past just waiting to be stoked & freed to once again fuel a new blaze.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
meditation & other hokey new age stuff
a year ago i was fairly at peace with myself. dare i say, even happy? i was at the lowest weight of my adult life, i had a fabulous new guy in my life who treated me (& still treats me) like a goddess, i had found joy in writing again, & i felt like i finally- really & truly honest injun- had a good handle on my life.
the last time before then that i can recall having peace in my life was winter of '95/spring of '96. at that time i had begun researching wicca & i was meditating on a regular basis. i was giving myself the cosmic space that my physical self needed. my meditations got to the point where i was verging on the edge of energy play & lucid dreaming. if i would've kept it up i'd probably be an expert at both of them.
these are the only two times that i can remember not waking up most days with some sense of self loathing. now back in the 1990's i was still a pretty big gal, but i was a happy big gal. i let people take pictures of me, & when i looked at those pictures at the time i thought i was cute. now it makes me want to vomit, but that's another issue. so the disconnect between the physical space that my being took up makes me think that my happiness is most likely not weight related. i was definitely pushing 300 in the mid-nineties, but it was still a good time for me.
the two things these things have in common is meditation & giving my mind the chance to wander where it will. how did i come to this conclusion? please refer to the posting wwskd. i was just reading on writing (seriously, if you haven't read it you really really should) & he was talking about a mental space that he had built for his writing. & it made me pause & say to myself "self, maybe i need to create a mental space for writing." ok, yeah, a total duh moment, but not all epiphanys are light bulb moments.
somewhere at home i still have my cedar incense that i burned nearly every day last year. i used the smell of cedar to help transport me away from my apartment, my monetary worries, all the other little bullshit in life that interferes. i won't be trite & say it took me to a happy place, but it took me to where i needed to be. & maybe that's not such a bad thing.
routine can be a powerful tool when it comes to the human mind. in a way we can condition our selves in a similar way to that of pavlov's dogs. one action will automatically make us primed for another action. for myself, brushing my teeth makes me want to go to the bathroom. probably because every night before i go to bed i a) brush my teeth & then b) go to the bathroom. so routine has ingrained in me a desire to pee after brushing my teeth. sorry if that was a tmi, but it illustrates this point beautifully.
now extend that. when i used to meditate i would often burn incense too. so it became an olfactory trigger for my brain. cedar burning=relax=write. i could have worse habits, ala hemingway or hunter s. thompson, who took the chemical route to writing enlightenment. i'm not saying that's necessarily wrong, although definitely not endorsed by the medical association or your friendly neighborhood doctor.
at a time where i know very little i do have a few known factors. #1 i can't continue with this depression #2 at this time i'm wasting my writing talent #3 something needs to be done to fix #1 & #2. like any historian will tell you "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." in this case my history has some good things to teach me, so there's no reason for me to take the hard way if i can take myself back to what has worked for me before.
the last time before then that i can recall having peace in my life was winter of '95/spring of '96. at that time i had begun researching wicca & i was meditating on a regular basis. i was giving myself the cosmic space that my physical self needed. my meditations got to the point where i was verging on the edge of energy play & lucid dreaming. if i would've kept it up i'd probably be an expert at both of them.
these are the only two times that i can remember not waking up most days with some sense of self loathing. now back in the 1990's i was still a pretty big gal, but i was a happy big gal. i let people take pictures of me, & when i looked at those pictures at the time i thought i was cute. now it makes me want to vomit, but that's another issue. so the disconnect between the physical space that my being took up makes me think that my happiness is most likely not weight related. i was definitely pushing 300 in the mid-nineties, but it was still a good time for me.
the two things these things have in common is meditation & giving my mind the chance to wander where it will. how did i come to this conclusion? please refer to the posting wwskd. i was just reading on writing (seriously, if you haven't read it you really really should) & he was talking about a mental space that he had built for his writing. & it made me pause & say to myself "self, maybe i need to create a mental space for writing." ok, yeah, a total duh moment, but not all epiphanys are light bulb moments.
somewhere at home i still have my cedar incense that i burned nearly every day last year. i used the smell of cedar to help transport me away from my apartment, my monetary worries, all the other little bullshit in life that interferes. i won't be trite & say it took me to a happy place, but it took me to where i needed to be. & maybe that's not such a bad thing.
routine can be a powerful tool when it comes to the human mind. in a way we can condition our selves in a similar way to that of pavlov's dogs. one action will automatically make us primed for another action. for myself, brushing my teeth makes me want to go to the bathroom. probably because every night before i go to bed i a) brush my teeth & then b) go to the bathroom. so routine has ingrained in me a desire to pee after brushing my teeth. sorry if that was a tmi, but it illustrates this point beautifully.
now extend that. when i used to meditate i would often burn incense too. so it became an olfactory trigger for my brain. cedar burning=relax=write. i could have worse habits, ala hemingway or hunter s. thompson, who took the chemical route to writing enlightenment. i'm not saying that's necessarily wrong, although definitely not endorsed by the medical association or your friendly neighborhood doctor.
at a time where i know very little i do have a few known factors. #1 i can't continue with this depression #2 at this time i'm wasting my writing talent #3 something needs to be done to fix #1 & #2. like any historian will tell you "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." in this case my history has some good things to teach me, so there's no reason for me to take the hard way if i can take myself back to what has worked for me before.
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