wwskd

wwskd=what would stephen king do

so anyone who knows me in the least little bit knows that stephen king is my idol. there are lots of other writers that i admire (keep checking my profile, i'll add more), but king is by far the one who i most idolize. i hesitate to use the word idolize because there are so many negative associations with that word. hero is kind of close, but also not accurate. maybe it's best to say that when i grow up i want to be stephen king, except, not male. & i don't want to grow up.

i admire his honesty & candor. i won't give away the whole story, but if you've read on writing you know what i mean, & if you haven't read on writing you need to. go out & get the book. i'll wait.

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so what'd you think of the book, pretty good, eh? i'm a huge fan of his & i can list off a few other must reads. one of them is the eyes of the dragon. good good stuff there. but enough advertising, i'm not getting paid for the promotion : )

it's that brutal honesty that i applaud. but beyond that it's his tenacious nature. in the book he talks about being so flat busted that he & his wife didn't even have a phone because they couldn't afford the bill. he talks about living on that edge of poverty that is such a scary place to exist. i remember that place from my childhood. i fear that place.

he also talks about continuing to write despite having a family to feed & real grown up obligations. that he worked so that he could write. now that last sentence is a paraphrase, but the general gist that i got from those sections of his book. he made the time to write because it was something that mattered to him, that drove him.

i claim to be a writer. & i claim to have that same driving passion. & i really believe i do. but all of that is tempered by fear. at this point i can't even put a voice to all of the fears that i have rolling around inside of my head. like i've said before, fear is an awful awful thing. sure, it can keep us from that infamous dark alley & unknown horrors. but it can also keep us from doing. it's this latter part that's giving me the problems right now.

which takes me back to my blog title, wwskd. seriously, i need that on a tshirt. & a bumper sticker. the answer to that one is simple. he'd write. a simple answer, but not such a simple solution for me. it's something i've been having a lot of trouble with as of late.

what does all of this have to do with weight loss? well like a very wise person said to me today, "self image, self esteem, eating, weight loss, writing, it's all tied up together." once again, a paraphrase, but the general meaning is there. & right now i'm struggling with all of those. i am such a typical gemini in that i'm flighty & a lot of my actions are mood dependent. & right now my mood is in the crapper. so that tells you where all of the rest of that is at this time. once again, seems like a simple solution. but it's not as easy as it seems. it's pretty tough to simultaneously work on all the things that you need to make yourself feel better.

i guess it's back to one day at a time, or hour, or minute. whatever helps me get through. not like i'm trying to sound like a twelve step program or anything. but i've been told by some of the people closest to me that i'm scaring them. & that was never my intention. & it bothers me that that is the effect that my dark moods have been having on the people that i love the most. & while i'm having a hard time believing in myself & caring about me right now, i do still care about them. at least that's something to work towards.