forgiveness

i've been doing a bunch of reading lately on losing weight, getting healthy, & decreasing your stress levels. & one thing that has been popping up more & more in my reading is the necessity of forgiveness for a persons overall mental well being. & i'm not sure if i'm consciously seeking this out due to nigglings at the back of my brain, or if it's the universe's way of telling me that in order to really move forward i need to, in one clean swipe, free myself from those sticky webs of the past that are still clinging to me as i refuse to completely, with my whole heart, forgive those who have wronged me. at this moment in time there are three main people that i'm holding grudges against that i really must let go of.

& so

i forgive ms. petch for being a heinous bitch & essentially ruining my childhood. i entered her classroom a bright, happy, extroverted, vivacious child. full of energy, spirit, creativity, & an inner light that defied my years on earth. i left her classroom at the end of second grade a sullen painfully introverted kid who turned to books & food for comfort. i forgive her for the abuse & mental torture she put me through. as she bounced me from the "dummy" reading group, to the average, to the advanced. as she taught me the definition of humiliation by repeatedly making me a laughing stock in front of my classmates. i forgive her for instilling in me doubt that i was: smart, capable, valuable. i forgive her for stealing from me years of being an outgoing bubbly person while i hid behind that scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to blend forever into the orange & brown walls of the classroom.

i forgive my parents for not coming to my defense & pulling me out of that second grade hell hole. i forgive them for being too wrapped up in their own problems while i was growing up to notice the food missing from the cupboards as i ate my emotions away in secret. i forgive them for not being the role models that i needed them to be. for not modeling a healthy relationship with food. for not teaching me at a young age that fitness was something to be enjoyed, not dreaded. i forgive them for not seeing me for the miserable depressed teenager who tried to take her own life because she'd rather be dead than fat. i forgive them for seeing me as who they wanted me to be, instead of who i really was.

i forgive tssob (the southern son of a bitch) for stealing seven years of my life. i forgive him for telling me in one breath that he loved me & that i was damn lucky he did because no one else would want me. i forgive him for making me believe that was true. for hurting me so deeply that i can never completely trust another human being again. i forgive him for making me doubt that: i'm smart, talented, beautiful, & a force to be reckoned with. i forgive him for turning me into that pathetic girl that let an abusive guy rule her life because she really & honestly believed that one day he would come through on his promises. for being the kind of person who is only happy when he's holding someone else down. i forgive him for the lies he told me, that i foolishly believed. & i forgive him for the years of abuse in which he never laid a hand on me, but still left deep scars, none the less.

i had really thought that as i drove away from the playa in september of 2004 that i had left all of this behind me in the ashes of the temple. that i had let it go up in the flames that day, scratched onto scrap pieces of wood. but sometimes symbolism is just that. & while i thought i was ready to wipe all of this from my mind, my heart wasn't quite as ready to let go. & the hatred is weighing me down. so with this blog, i release my hatred & blame from my soul. letting the dark holes left behind fill with the positive people & blessings in my life. fall into winter is a season of death, but also a season of rebirth, & another chance to start again & hopefully get it right.