a vanilla sky & star-spangled brownies

i was watching vanilla sky on bravo yesterday & i happened upon a pearl of wisdom "every second is another moment to turn it all around." now this may or may not be an exact quote from the movie, i don't travel with a steno pad, but it's a very close approximation. this came to me at a very opportune moment in that i had been scarfing brownies with chocolate frosting & patriotic stars ever since they had cooled & been frosted.

while i don't typically take advice from movies, this was a particularly good turn of phrase. & it's also very true. why wait until the next morning, next week, next month until you change your habits to make your life what you dream that it could be. sometimes the cliche is the most true: there's no time like the present, seize the day, tomorrow is today, [insert tired cliche here], . . . .

while it shames me to say, i will readily admit that my compulsive eating has gotten way out of control lately. my depression is a daily struggle. as is my home environment. & i really feel that so much of what's going on around me is completely & totally out of my control. BUT, i can control what i eat. & instead of becoming anorexic & not eating anything i binge & indulge myself because i can. yes, i do realize the behavior is just as destructive. & i know it's a good thing that i realize it. but i still feel like i'm light years away of getting a handle on it. how can i know, i mean really by-god fucking know that i'm killing myself with these actions & yet i feel unable to do anything about it? it just doesn't make sense.

it doesn't even follow the chewbacca defense. that's how seriously messed up it is. i'm a sad panda.

& i don't have an answer. a year & some change ago i was doing fabulous. i moved back into my parents house & that seemed to be the beginning of this awful down slide. i hesitate to blame it on them, but the environment that i live in is extremely dysfunctional & less than healthy. if i had the money i'd move out, right now, this minute. well, maybe not this minute 'cause i'm at work, but asap most definitely.

anyone out there want to hire me starting at $65,000/year minimum? come on, you know you want to : ) maybe not the best job hunting tactic, my comments may be quite interesting over the next few days.

i guess i'll just have to work to change what i can & not fight what's out of my control. no, not in AA, never been, but it seems to be the mantra to a lot of twelve-step programs which seem to be all over. i've also watched lots & lots of nypd blue which often featured the end of AA meetings. it also falls into the above mentioned category of cliche, but also just into plain old common sense.