an apple a day: blog worthy jeans

last week i had this family get together to attend. ok, technically 50th bday shin-ding for my aunt cathy, but none the less it falls into the greater category of FAMILY GATHERING. especially since usually i only see my extended family once a year.

now as you all know, my faithful readers, my fat tush has not only NOT lost weight over the past month or so, but my weight & waist, along with other things, have been getting bigger. & while i have some cute jeans at home, i can't wear them without feeling like i'm auditioning for oscar myer for the role of "guest wennie." & to top it all off, last week my levi's waved a white flag & surrendered. they have officially given up the fight & are ready to be retired.

interesting side note: there are toothbrushes that have that blue band in the middle, & when that half fades away you know it's time to replace your toothbrush. now for all of these years i thought that those leather patches on the back of levi's were just for decoration. something to say "hey dude, these are levi's!" believe it or not they actually serve a functional purpose, much like the blue toothbrush bristles, it indicates when it's time to buy a new pair of jeans. last week, the leather patch ripped clean in half, all the way through. no warning, no inkling, nothing. just fine one day & two sad little pieces the next.

i had arranged to work the way-to-early-in-the-morning shift so that i could get off work early & get to my aunt's party at a decent hour. i actually clocked out at 3:30pm, then didn't get out to the car until almost 4pm, & decided i had to zing over to moa to see about some new blue jeans. & this wicked cute hello kitty shirt i saw on the torrid website. i was feeling fat & frumpy & in need of a new pary outfit. by the time i got to the mall i was mucho cranky, tired, hot & so not in the mood to a: shop b: go to a party or c: do anything that didn't involve a nice soothing shower followed by bed-lounging-tv-watching.

once i got to torrid that changed. i took some clothes into the dressing room, three t-shirts & two pairs of jeans. one random pair that was greyish, & a pair of medium blue apple bottoms. now i'll admit, ever since i first heard of these jeans i've been curious about them & very tempted to hunt down a pair. shhhh....i'm huntin' wa-er, i mean jeans. they are designed to fit those of us blessed/cursed with an ample posterior better than any other jeans. now considering most jeans have this obnoxious puker in the back because they just can't accommodate the junk in my trunk, i was really happy when i heard nelly was releasing this clothing line.

typically i'm not big into fashion, trends, what's hot or not, but these jeans are seriously the best pair of jeans i have ever worn in my life! they're wicked comfy, not restricting or ill fitting in anyway, & the best thing, they have enough room for my "b-dunk-a-dunk." most of the time i'm flashing my thong at someone, unknowingly, because my jeans just aren't cut right for my body shape. no more, i say, no more! i have found the jeans to fit my ghetto booty, dare i even say, my apple bottom?

finally, blog worthy jeans.

new wardrobe, party of fat please? (take two)

**note, i had this post written & was trying to post it when blogger freaked out, errored, & erased it & i couldn't recover it& now i have to rewrite it. SO not a happy camper right now**

summer is here & it's the time of year when the sun comes out, humidity rises, sweaty skin sticks to itself, & jeans are too hot to wear for casual gear. shorts, capris, tank tops, & whatever exposes the most skin to whatever breezes happen to wander. closets are gone through to pick out the cutest of last year's clothes as the new summer approaches. this is one of those stories {law & order da-dunk-dunk}

tonight i'm going out with jack & the whole gang to celebrate josh's birthday, happy 28th dude! we're planning on heading into down town to a bar that has a $5 cover & then we get to drink free for an hour. yesterday i had been telling jenn about this wicked cute outfit that i have, a black & white plaid mini skirt, black bustier, & fish nets. so last night i went rummaging through my dresser to find it & yippee! i found it, then i tried it on & it doesn't fit, not so yippee. the last time i wore the skirt was in august when i was in vegas on the fated night that i went to club vivid. what happens in vegas most definitely stays in vegas, so that's all you'll get of that story. suffice to say i was smokin' sexy hot looking & it was a night to remember. so fast forward about eight months & bingo-bango the skirt won't even come up over my ghetto booty, despite all those ass checks & "oh yeah, your butt is getting smaller" comments! blech. talk about feeling crummy about yourself. & that does beg the question, if my ass is getting smaller than a month or so ago, then how shamu have i gotten since last summer?

there are two main ways that i could react to this wardrobe malfunction. plan a: pass the goddamn chocolate, please?! & while your at it grab me a pizza too. or plan b: pilates, crunches, & cardio OH-MY! the first plan has definite appeal. some yummy chocolate, maybe with a carmel center, to soothe my spirit while i crawl in a hole & lick my wounds. then again, that's kind of behavior that got me to this place. the other plan seems less appealing at first. intellectually i know that by exercising every day & monitoring what i eat not only will i lose weight, which is my paramount goal right now, but i will also feel loads better, with more energy & able to do more activities, which is also really important to me. even while actually knowing all the benefits, sweating & all that hard work seems like a real buzz kill.

& yet, i do want to be around to harass my family & friends for a long time to come, so i'll take plan b, dammit. i will give myself kudos for the fact that yesterday i did get in all of my 96oz of water. i also did over an hour of exercise yesterday. & this morning, despite my disappointment & feeling horrible about my skirt fiasco last night, i got up before 5 am today to work out. i also had to be to work before 8am, so i'm pretty proud of that one. not super fantabulous, but it's a good move in the right direction.

on top of the whole skirt fiasco, last week i discovered that all of the wicked cute capris that i bought last year are much too tight for me to comfortably wear right now. so this gives me an opportunity to set a new goal. that is for me to, by the end of the summer, be able to fit into my mini skirt & capris. with that said, from here on forward end of summer will mean the last day of the minnesota state fair which is labor day & fit will mean being able to wear said clothing without feeling like i'm impersonating a polish sausage.

some motivation would be nice right now. on the one hand i can visualize myself working out & being the picture of miss health in what i eat everyday. & the devil on my other shoulder is saying that being bad is so good. & wouldn't i really like some cheesecake right now? i think i need a montage. a weight loss montage. eye of the tiger, anyone?