today

today is one of those days. one of those days i can't get the radio loud enough. can't get my car going fast enough. one of those days i just can't stand the thought of eating anything. it's one of those days i feel everything is spinning too fast. i can't slow it down. i can't stop it. i can't control anything at all. except.

that's just it:

except food.

that's 100% in the scope of what i can control. what i do (or in the case of today) do not eat. that's something that i actually have influence over.

i'm pretending again. that i'm ok. that i am tough. but not really. i'm not that way at all.

& right now i wish i could be vulnerable & really let someone know. but i can't. so i sit.

at work.

silent tears cutting down my cheeks.

my voice on the other end of the phone not nearly as cheery as normal. but close.

no hint of the dark gray spots caused by fallen tears on my hoodie.
no hint that inside i'm shredded to bits smaller than grains of sand.
no hint at all that i'm sitting in my fish bowl of a desk starving.

chatter around me of diets & golf & weddings. evidently the crane in the pond caught a fish. & i sit, one leg tucked up under me, crying. careful. so no one will hear. no one will see.